Just look up know you are loved

(You are loved – Stars go dim)

While I am still grieving, and rightfully so, things are starting to look up. I think Saturday was a struggle because I was completely alone all day with nothing to take me away from the negative thoughts and nothing to provide enough distraction to create a motivation to eat and drink. I have a choice. I can be mad at myself for grieving which isn’t going to change the fact that I am, or I can realize that I lost my chance at my long term dream and the light at the end of my tunnel burned out and I graduate in 49 days and have nothing to which to look forward and it is okay to be sad. I am learning to pick the latter, because being angry with myself about grieving isn’t helping anyone.

Sleep is still crazy – but dehydration is partly to blame for that. Some of the nighttime awakenings now are probably thirst driven. With more time I am realizing that even working casual at my job and supplementing with a job at Caribou and maybe taking or teaching some classes on the side wouldn’t be the end of the world. I could make it work and try again next year with a year of experience as a pharmacist.

It is frustrating that while back in October I was being pursued by residency programs in which I had no interest, I now am applying to residency programs where the lack of interest appears to be mutual.

No one wants real me. They only want paper me, and when they find out in the interview they get real me they aren’t interested.

One thing someone said to me came back to memory though, and makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. Someone told me that later when the interview is over and I am hired we’ll look at who you really are and make plans from there…umm…the only difference between me in an interview and me in real life is that in real life you aren’t going to see me wearing make-up, and I will most definitely be wearing socks, not tights. After seven interviews, wearing tights isn’t AS uncomfortable as it was at the beginning, but I will still wear socks or bare feet over that any day. Am I supposed to lie in interviews? I am not a liar. I am honest to a fault (but I am smart enough to know not to tell people they look pregnant even if it is just their hair that I am looking at). I am not capable of lying even when it would be the smart thing to do. For me, a little white lie is essentially a big fat no. And besides, if someone hired me on the basis of a lie, that wouldn’t bode well for the future of my employment…especially since I’d probably guiltily admit my lie sooner rather than later and they’d know they weren’t getting what they thought they were getting.

I am not a quitter. I refuse to let everyone be right that I can’t do it. I might not get my dream job right away, but I am going to get there eventually. I definitely have plans to continue to get closer to my dream job the best I can.

I saw this quote on a blog “I’m always OK, especially when I’m not.” Yep…that’s so me. I just finished crying and some people asked me how I was and I said I was okay. Not totally convinced considering the wet red eyes, they asked again, and okay was still my answer…(so there might be one area where I am slightly less than truthful, but in reality I am okay as long as you define okay as that my heart is pumping oxygenated blood)…Part of my problem is that the less okay I am the more my ability to communicate decreases and therefore the more I need the scripting of being “okay.” The other part of the problem is that I am a chronic people-pleaser…

I am still drowning, but I am doing better…at least a little…a candy package in my box said good source of protein…it became my lunch…if it is something I am interested in eating then it counts as a meal at this point. I want to get back to balanced appropriately sized meals, but for now hitting one of those criteria is the goal…I should probs buy some jolly ranchers, because my manager gave me one on Friday and it was so perfect because I could put it in my mouth and with zero effort get calories…and it tasted awesome…I love sugar…and considering the last time I did a blood glucose screening I was at 56mg/dL, I don’t think sugar is a problem…

Side note that it is starting to get super frustrating that my phone never has service. At my parents house I had service in most places in the house even if I didn’t have it anywhere else, but in the state I am currently living in, I wander around trying to find a signal long enough to send a text and for every text that sends there are multiple that failed or even that look on my phone like they sent but never hit the recipient’s phone.

Today’s big success: starting to believe again that maybe God cares just a teeny tiny little bit…I still agree with Jonah that even death would be better than this, but yesterday there was no way you could have gotten me to even pretend to agree that God cared about me. It might not sound like much, but it is a huge step right now.


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