Will you catch every tear or will you just leave me here?

(I have this hope – tenth avenue north)

The title of the song isn’t very true for me right now. I am surviving, but just barely clinging to the edge.

Friday I wanted water for the first time in a week and I was working on catching up on calories as best as I could when food still didn’t sound good. I had my second ever performance review. It was very positive and this time the focus was on how awesome I was doing rather than on here is a pile of forms to sign and I’m really sorry but I tried to give you a raise and instead had to fight to let your pay only decrease a little because they audited and found out you cancelled your tech license…not that I didn’t like my first review, but that time coming from a really frustrating appointment, while I was glad to get to sit down with my manager because she was (is) awesome, I just wanted to get it over with…this time I really needed SOMETHING positive. Thankfully even though I had a new manager I wasn’t asked about my career path plans…we kinda all already know that what I want and what is going to happen are impossible to reconcile and that I have no idea what I am doing right now. So, all that to say that Friday was definitely still challenging, but there was a tiny bit of hope that maybe things get better.

Saturday was not so good. So, umm, I pretty much failed. Okay, so I shouldn’t say that. I did keep my car on the road all day without running into other big iron things or getting lost, but in terms of eating and drinking I definitely didn’t meet the arbitrary rules that I set for myself. I told myself that I could go to church but I couldn’t serve unless I’d eaten a reasonable amount and had at least 1 cup of water. Well, this girl decided she needed something positive in life and decided to serve anyway. I justified that I had eaten a bag of apple slices. Yeah, since getting up before 4:30am until getting ready to serve around 4:30pm my intake consisted of MAYBE 2 ounces of water and a bag of apple slices. I mean, at like 11:30 that night I’d had around a cup of water so if you count that into the daily intake even though it technically belongs to the previous day then I met the water requirement.

A friend invited me to come to an event. I decided I might as well go because I figured maybe a distraction would be enough to get SOMETHING in my mouth whether it was a little water or some food or even just a flavorRx sucker. I am so thankful for that. I was an awful conversational partner and definitely acting clingy, but God knew what he was doing. I think. I don’t know. It is hard right now to believe God cares about anything about me. Anyway, at first I was overwhelmed being in a room of strangers and not feeling very social, and it took a while, but eventually I finally found enough motivation to eat a piece of pizza and an oreo and to have some juice. I can’t deny that was a God-thing. Anything else being served I would have probably continued to refuse, but Domino’s pizza is one of my favorite foods and it took an hour or maybe more, but I finally ate. And I’m guessing that was probably not that much lower in calorie count than the peanut butter and jelly corn tortilla sandwich I was originally going to force feed myself. And it was really good to be surrounded by people and laughing. I might still not be sleeping well and struggling to eat and drink appropriately, but at least there are tiny positive mixed in to the overall negative.

The light at the end of the tunnel may have burnt out, but it feels like it was smashed and God is laughing at my pain. If my tangible lightbulb changing skills in the past at my apartment are any indication, it’s going to be really challenging and I might need some help, but once it is done I will realize it could have been a lot easier. I have to hope that metaphorical lightbulbs are enough similar to physical lightbulbs. But hope is hard.


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