(Tears – Matt Hammitt)
I can’t keep doing this. I can’t do it. I am tired. I am tired of success being measured by how long it’s been since crying in front of someone and how difficult it is to eat and drink. I am just so tired. Sure, today was a big success because I made it through church and only almost got caught crying. I found a quiet corner at church to cry then made it to my car to really fall apart…and I know I can’t yet safely drive home which is why I am in an outside corner on my own trying to calm and hide my emotion enough to safely bring myself home. I want to be happy. I want to be good enough. I really just want anything but this. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. Sure, I’m eating and drinking. Sure, sleep is getting a little better. Sure, I am not crying in front of people…but the pain is still there. The pain still tears me apart. I can’t. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay while I die on the inside.
On the outside I laugh and smile like everything is cool. I pretend it is funny that I have seven tubes of toothpaste but no headphones and no jacket. I pretend it is funny I wrapped a towel around myself instead of using an umbrella because it didn’t occur to me I might need one until I was driving through pouring rain and didn’t want to turn around.
It has rained all week, and the rain reflects what’s on the inside. Does this ever get easier? Does the rain ever end? Will there ever be a rainbow marking the end of the hard season?
Science says that tears cleanse the body to physically improve emotionally well being, so you’d think with all these tears I’d be rocking it by now, but instead I’m still here, still crying…My bracelet says I’m strong. I don’t know. If I were strong wouldn’t I be able to not have car seats wet with tears?
I keep going to church partly because I have friends there and partly because the radio has always told me to fake it until I make it, to when you’re not sure anymore what you believe to keep listening and let the words pour over your soul until you can believe them again. So far though, it is hard. It is one more place to put on a smile and pretend that life is awesome. Pretend I want to be alive. It is hard to see everyone having a good time and talking about how awesome God is when I still feel like God doesn’t care. I know that by surrounding myself with the truth it might help getting the truth to sink in, but I’m still struggling. I want to believe God is good. I want to believe God cares. I want to believe God has a plan for good. I want to believe that God won’t throw me away, but after over two weeks of pain that doesn’t seem like it will ever end it is hard. Sure, I’ve gotten a new close friend out each of the two biggest bad things that happened before this, but I have a lot of friends and as much as I love each and every one of them, I’d have rather found them in joy or even had one fewer friend than have to go through this pain to have them. Besides, if I can make awesome friends without having so much pain in the process then what is the point in going through all the pain for another friend? It hurts too much. I can’t do this.
Also, totally unrelated, but I have under a month now until I am functionally homeless…and I haven’t really looked very hard for somewhere to stay. I mean, I kinda tried. I checked into if I could live in the res hall at school and the answer was no…but beyond that as far as I’ve gotten is maybe I should look up directions to Walmart…yeah, my friend probably shouldn’t have told me about how easy it is to just park in a Walmart parking lot to sleep and find places with free showers when traveling…it seems way more overwhelming to find somewhere to live and move again than to just live at Walmart. I know when the time comes to move out I will likely feel differently, and I know my parents would not be happy to find out I was living in the Walmart parking lot, but right now I just don’t have the energy to put into looking for a place to stay…and with that, it is time to get some sleep and then do some homework and start working on figuring out where I am living next…