I’ve stood on this stage night after night reminding the broken it’ll be alright but right now…right now I just can’t

(Even If – MercyMe)

This lyric is a good image of how I’m doing right now.

I’m starting to be able to remember times when I’ve been doing well enough to encourage others at the bottom. I’m still having trouble believing the words I’ve said to others so many times. It is hard to believe this ever gets better when it is so hard right now. I still feel like I just can’t.

On the positive side, there are a few positions that while not my preference I am now able to see as good options even if they aren’t exactly what I wanted. I still feel discouraged. I still feel like if the people I’ve been working with for years didn’t want me that no one will. I still feel a deep sense of betrayal, disappointment, and sorrow.

I’m eating just fine now, and I’m sleeping a lot better…I suppose I could have ended that statement a couple words sooner. I am sleeping a lot. Maybe I am catching up…maybe I am just avoiding living in a world that is so painful…either way, it is nice not to wake up crying.

On Saturday when I was doodling in my notebook at church, I made a good breakthrough. I was able to write “What if God really is good? What if God really does care? What if the pain now doesn’t mean God left me alone?” It might not sound like much, but being able to get past feeling that God is definitely not good to a point of admitting a maybe exists is a big step.

I am really praying that I get a job in phase II. I’ve had a few more very brief glimpses of hope, but I still primarily feel that no one will want me. Hope is like tiny droplets of water on a hot day; what doesn’t slip through my fingers is dried up almost before it registers that it is there. Sure, it might take away a tiny amount of the heat momentarily, but the sun beating down on my burning me up is so much stronger than those tiny droplets. I really need a job in phase II. Besides the fact that options will narrow even further in the scramble, I don’t know if I can handle not matching again…especially now that I’m in a different state with a less well developed support system for acute crisis. Living across multiple states is hard. I think my support system here is good for long term crisis management in a way that my home system doesn’t always do as well, but for the acute crisis it doesn’t perform as well. At home I have my parents very accessible. I have a wonderful best friend who would welcome me into her life at a moment’s notice if I really need it. I don’t have that here. I have wonderful teachers who do a LOT to support me, but would almost definitely not appreciate me showing up at their homes rather than their offices. They clock out at the end of the day and their availability ends. I have a mentor/advisor/friend who is wonderful, but from whom I am physically separated at school. I have other friends in the city, but they have full time jobs and families that do not include me and I just haven’t had the time to get close enough to insert myself into those places. I don’t have anywhere to run for help. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but it has never been by choice. I am trying really hard to catch up on all the things that fell by the wayside in the wake of phase I…I can’t afford to fall even further behind…I already do feel like the harder I try to catch up the further behind I fall…Not to mention I was all interviewed out before the first interview even started and I am so over interviewing…Let’s see…19 applications to 17 positions and 13 completed interviews…maybe God really is out there somewhere…the interviews might not have all been amazing, but I did it! I completed six of those interviews WHILE GRIEVING! Maybe they weren’t perfect, but just doing it is good…I guess.

Prayers certainly appreciated that this all works out somehow…and the pain dulls a little.

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