(Invisible – Skylar Grey)
I work so hard to put on my brave face every day, but it is so exhausting. With people I feel safe with I, usually fortunately, but in this case unfortunately, no longer am frozen enough that I can necessarily keep the tears from coming, but with strangers around, I can usually be pretty successful. I suppose that happens after lots of practice. “Only when no one is watching, can we really fall apart.” (Stained Glass Masquerade) I do fairly well in front of people, then I have alone time and I crash and burn. But I am thankful for the ability to put on the mask and pretend the world isn’t falling apart beneath my feet. The ability to most of the time be able to show up and at least LOOK like everything is fine is such a blessing.
And there is now a lot to be joyful about. No, I don’t have a job. And that hurts a LOT. But last night I got almost 6 hours of sleep. It might still not be enough, but it is SO much better than the 0 to 3 I was getting. And I’ve already finished breakfast. There might have been cheerios spilled all over the floor and table when I was done, but an entire serving’s worth of cheerios also made it to my mouth, so that is a success. And last night skittles started sounding good again, so maybe things will get at least a little easier. It was really hard when even things like skittles and jolly ranchers didn’t sound good. I’m willing to sacrifice a little nutrition to get the calories in right now since I know I need them, but when even candy doesn’t sound good it starts feeling impossible. I’ve been fighting for over 4 weeks now, so I’ll take whatever breakthrough I can find.
Sometimes the success is that I bleached a spot on the floor under the table but I didn’t bleach the whole house or even the whole floor and I didn’t bleach any part of myself…just going to say that I will definitely never own the kind of pet that can throw up if I ever have a pet of my own. Even when I am doing fine, it absolutely terrifies me cleaning up cat vomit…and not going to lie, the biggest reason I never leave my room in the dark without my nightlight is not to avoid running into things and being loud. It is in case there is cat vomit on the floor, because touching it would be like the worst thing ever. (moderate exaggeration). Yep, the reason I asked for a nightlight was partially a germ thing…but now I have the most amazing nightlight like ever…so…you should be jealous…but not really because that’s a sin.
Someone was talking about people being emotional burn victims. I don’t remember the context of the comment, like what kind of people are emotional burn victims, but I had to admit that it made a lot of sense with where I am right now. I saw on facebook a quote “when a door closes, open it again, that’s how doors work.” Previously that would have just made me comment verbally to myself but not in writing “you just don’t get it” and then I would have moved on. This morning I read it and I wanted to drop kick my computer and scream that the door is too heavy and it is locked and I don’t have the key and I am too tired. I can’t. I am way too old to throw a temper tantrum like that, so obviously I didn’t actually do it, but yeah, not an age appropriate response.
Okay…and the fact that I started getting frustrated with people asking me to let them know what I need…Like I’m kinda busy putting my energy into getting food and water in my mouth. I ain’t got the energy to spare to figure out what I need. I could say I need a job, but we both know you can’t give that to me.
And…apparently I met someone at church this weekend. Hashtag fail at life. I haven’t got a clue who it is.