Take one breath and then take another

(Mallary Hope – Now)

I’ve been checking every day for the past almost 4 weeks on Spotify for the song Now by Mallary Hope. I couldn’t find it on youtube, on Mallary’s website, or anywhere else on the internet. The only place I could find it was the radio which obviously means I couldn’t choose when I wanted to listen. Finally today it showed up on Spotify. When I first heard it in the car (while already crying) on March 25 I stared screaming at the radio that no, God isn’t there. I wasn’t ready to hear those truths, but somehow my soul knew that I needed this song and I kept searching for it. Now I believe again, and the song is even more meaningful as I am ready to admit that God does care. It is becoming a beacon of hope. Maybe someday it’ll be okay. Maybe someday it won’t hurt so much.

Last night, I listened to the audiobook of “Please be Patient, I’m Grieving” by Gary Roe. While I didn’t agree with every single thing (and that’s okay), there was a lot of it that was really validating. I feel so alone. I sense that the biggest thing I need is someone to just be there. You don’t need the perfect thing to say or have some tangible action to perform to serve me. I don’t need your words, I need you. I see people feel uncomfortable around me and I see my relationships change. I connect to the frustration of being asked what I need and having no idea. I understand that grief lasts longer than sympathy. I so agree that thinking is hard and I am deeply tired and it doesn’t feel like this will ever end. I don’t want to be a burden.

On the more positive side, I am starting to be able to remember the deep open wounds of some of my past hurts. Eventually they faded. Not completely away, and definitely not quickly, but over the course of the years the pain became less acute, less sharp, less overwhelming. I have to believe that someday the same will be true of this. Someday the pain will not be a constant companion stabbing me all day and night, never really leaving me alone.

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