(Unbroken – Stephanie Pauline)
I love this song. And it is very true. I know who my friends are and am SOOOOO thankful for them.
If you hate numbers talk then don’t read this paragraph. I’ve gained 8 pounds since Easter. That is an awesome thing. I still have 7 more to go to reach the weight on my driver’s license, but 8 pounds in a week is a lot…and possibly not the safest way to gain weight, but whatever, I didn’t exactly lose it safely either…I think what worked is that throughout the week I had contact every day with people who really care about me. And I mean, those last 7 pounds would still put me net negative 5-10 pounds from when this all started, but I am okay with that. Although the number on my driver’s license was a completely random number because they had us filling out the paperwork in school in 10th grade and I hadn’t a clue what I weighed so I made it up, and then when I renewed my license I subtracted 15 pounds because the weight I had originally selected was nowhere close to what I actually weighed…but anyway, that number has become my goal. I gained plenty of weight spending lots of time at the buffet in South Dakota, so staying a little net negative is not a problem. I am a stress eater…and a boredom eater…and maybe just an eater in general…so I have no concerns about whether the rest of the weight that I want back will be back. It’s a matter of when, not if. Remember that I am a girl who had no problem putting away half of a dominos large 8-topping pizza in one sitting. Sure, I am still struggling with meals sometimes right now when the grief catches up with me (okay fine, a raspberry and a single bite of chicken is not an appropriate dinner even if the chicken is breaded), but the times that I am eating far make up for it…and I will definitely admit that eating WITH people continues to make my meals a lot more successful, but even alone I might be eating junk, but most meals I am eating something and most meals at least part of that something has nutritional value (umm, hashtag today’s dinner was a cookie sandwich, skittles, and ice cream…I totally did pack an awesome and nutritious breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I only ate the breakfast).
I finally have reached the point where I am able to be numb maybe 80% of the time and only feel the hurt 20% of the time. Sure, that means I still cry sometimes and still have a hard time with things, but it is so much better than the initial 99-100% of the time struggling I was living at before. I haven’t gotten to the 99-100% numb stage yet, and I don’t think I’ve ever come to a point where it was really a choice when the emotions will be turned on vs turned off, but I will definitely take what I can get at this point. If I can hang out painting all day and feel okay, that is awesome. I love not crying and not using inordinate amounts of energy that I really don’t have to hold in tears. I don’t need to feel excited if it also means I am not using up all my energy pretending everything is awesome nor am I crying uncontrollably when asked about graduation and placement. Some people say that going numb is bad, but I am not one of those people right now. I would rather have both pain and excitement muted than to feel nearly constant overwhelming pain. Does that mean that sometimes as the emotions get turned back on I am surprised when years later I still am upset about something I thought I was totally over…ummm…okay fine, yes indeed it does, but I am still totally thankful for the longer stretches of time that I didn’t have to feel it. I am also thankful that I am finally averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night. It still isn’t quite enough, but it is so much better than the three I was getting. I will survive. This is awful, and there really isn’t any way that it can be fixed, and I almost cried in church today, but at least physically things are better. If things are better physically I am going to be okay. I don’t have a job. I have plenty of other problems, but physically I am doing SO much better.
“‘Cause when life gets shipped from here to there…”
Yep, totally story of my life right now. It is crazy to think about how many beds I have slept in this year and how many different states I have been in. I am a girl who lives for the status quo, and have definitely had to learn the art of constant change. Umm…yeah…of location a zillion times and of losing the constant of my dreams and my wonderful job.
“Some things are too heavy for even friends to lift.”
Sometimes I feel like I am too much. I don’t think my friends will want to deal with me. And so I isolate. And feel lonely. But my friends have shown me that they are willing to help me and hold me together when I am falling apart. My friends have each done way more than their share to serve me and I appreciate them so much.
Mostly unrelated side note: I’m not sure if my phone only saves messages for a certain period of time or if I somehow managed to accidentally delete one of my messages, but I definitely had a whiney scream-fest at my phone for a couple minutes this morning when the message I wanted to hear wasn’t there…