I have done my best but still I miss the mark

(unedited as being in survival mode for over a month now means minimal time for non-necessities and I already wasted too much time writing the post in the first place)

(Come Rest – Lindsey McCaul)

That lyric pretty much sums up how I feel about life. I do my best but all I do is fail.

I attended resident prep series classes.

I read two books about getting residencies.

I read the residency prep workbook.

I went to midyear.

I attended the residency showcase.

I applied to an insane number of jobs with well-researched personalized letters of intent.

I prepared for and completed a zillion interviews.

And I didn’t get a residency.

I did all the applying and interviewing stuff again.

And I didn’t get a residency.

I tried again.

I still don’t have a residency.

I try to force feed myself every day, but until this week my weight just kept dropping. I couldn’t keep up with the calories I was burning.

Now I’m eating but the things I am best at eating are skittles, cake, goldfish crackers, noodles, cookies, donuts…and so I continue to supplement with at least two multivitamins every day. On the positive side, I now rock at swallowing meds (at least the ones the size of the multivitamin anyway), but it doesn’t feel like enough. Sure, today’s lunch (which was 90% of yesterday’s lunch) had a reasonable number of calories and hit the fruit/veg and carbohydrate groups, and building off a breakfast with protein counted in my books as a real meal, I am already overwhelmed thinking about my next meals. Eating isn’t as big of a challenge as it was, but it definitely isn’t easy. If I had the funds to have someone assigned to ordering me dominos every day I think I could do it, but remember how this girl doesn’t have a job…yeah…daily pizza isn’t practical. Besides, where do you go to hire someone to order you daily pizza? The process of ordering and obtaining pizza is way too overwhelming at this point for me to be able to do that myself…it might not even have to be pizza…basically anything that is finger food is the most likely to be consumed if there isn’t a social factor to eating.

And you know how I don’t have a job? Well, that means I should probably apply for a job, right? Yeah, easier said than done. Every time I try the pain intensifies and I decide to do it later. I finally had to give in Sunday morning and just do it. It is currently past 5pm. The sleeves of my Despicable Me t-shirt are soaked in tears. I have one application submitted. TBH, the only option that sounds good at this point is death. It doesn’t seem like there is any way to fix this situation and make it okay. And that is another failure. I am not supposed to want to be dead. Clarification to keep me out of trouble: I have no intention of doing anything to end my life. I want to be dead, but I don’t want to kill myself. That would just mess more things up. I can’t do anything right. But I do like that real job applications don’t cost $40 each plus $150 for the privilege of applying at all…

And I’m pretty much the worst friend ever even though my best friend says that’s not true.

I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer…so let’s see, on the positive side, I think I am going to get an A on this rotation. Pretty sure it is basically a gift, because it sounds like my preceptor read my self-evaluations where I was honest about how I know my work kinda isn’t so good given the lack of sleep and other situations surrounding this rotation…but at least that is one less thing to worry about. Now if only there were some way to get breaks inserted into my day without seeming ungrateful or lazy or something…’cause I almost peed my pants on Friday because I had to be ready for my first thing by 7:30am and didn’t get any opportunities for even a 5 minute breather until like 2pm. Also positive: I did get to leave by 5pm on Friday which was awesome because I was starting to get frustrated with my work and the stuff I was doing is stuff that can only be done at school and there is no defined amount I have to get done so the time I leave does not impact my work load.

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