Hold on tight a little longer

(Hard Life – NEEDTOBREATHE)

I feel like I’ve been holding on forever. I was holding on for graduation and then graduation lost most of its thrill when my dreams died. The light at the end of the tunnel burned out and there wasn’t even a train to replace it and keep me company in the darkness of the empty tunnel. No one wants me and no one will. Now I’m holding on just trying to find my way through the pain that tries to drown me every day. It’s hard. I wake up every day having to face another day of failure. I am not enough. I will never be enough. I can’t. It hurts.

I can’t do anything right.

I keep getting emails about the pharmacy weight loss challenge. It rubs salt in the wounds. They are the reason I already lost too much weight because they didn’t want me. I am trying so hard to gain weight, not lose it, and I am failing at it. Yesterday I freaked out because I hadn’t gained any weight since Saturday…in fact I’d lost half a pound. Fail. So I did what any person with only about half a brain functioning secondary to emotional pain; I continued with my general plan except I also had about 40 chicken nuggets and filled my cup three times with lemonade for lunch. My stomach hurt so good after eating all that. But it didn’t do anything. I weighed the same this morning as I did yesterday. I think this is why the experts say that you shouldn’t weigh yourself more than once a week. Fail. I can’t do anything right.

I always fail. Yesterday I cried in front of people again. Fail. Why can’t I stay numb at the right times? Fail.

I can’t parallel park to save my life. I tried really hard this morning and gave up. Then I almost forgot where I was going and figuring it out any more minutes later probably would have ended me up at church wondering why I was there. Not that I wouldn’t far prefer to be there rather than school, but that’s not where I was supposed to be.

Where am I supposed to be? No one wants me. I just want to be alone…well, alone but with friends. And I can’t. I haven’t ever lived in a shared space except in a hotel, and it always leads to high stress levels…and now I’ve been assigned to a group of three in one room with three more people sharing the adjoining room…definitely no space to be alone in a room full of people I barely know. I do at least recognize the names of the people I am with though…so at least I’m not living with strangers. I also don’t know how long I can live there. I hate change and I hate unknowns.

There’s this song I like called all you do is whine. Some lyrics are “All you do is whine, no matter what. It’s your bedtime lights out doors shut…we’ll do it again you’re up. You don’t stay down…you’re up down up down.” Except I’ve been doing it “All you do is fail, no matter what.” It feels a lot more true that way. I can’t I can’t I can’t. When does this end?

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