(Press on – building 429)
I need people so badly. Sure, I was in a room with my entire class, but I was essentially alone and in that room all day. It’s hard. I want out…and I didn’t realize how much I rely on my laptop until I had to turn it in. Part of the issue was the possibility of losing significant amounts of my information, but a bigger part of it is the computer itself.
I didn’t realize how much that laptop was how I self-regulated. I need it for music to calm myself or to distract. I need videos for a human connection. I need my keyboard to provide my voice…even if most of the words are deleted without being shared. Texting this blog post isn’t quite the same. I need the company of the junk emails popping into my inbox all day. I need the community of social media. I need the pages that are familiar and the random stream of Google searches.
And with the intense loneliness and pain of grief I was (am) drowning by the end of the day. I wish I had my bike or inline skates. Even just like two minutes on my skates was enough to help me eat something that first week. It was raining…and my feet are kinda raw from yesterday, so it isn’t a good idea to take a walk. I am working really hard and struggling through dinner. I am frustrated. And IT doesn’t know when I can have the shell of my computer back and they don’t have a loaner for me. I either need some people to help me or I need my computer.
I know partly I’m struggling because I was working on applications yesterday and that is an emotionally taxing activity, but regardless of cause, I’m struggling. It probably doesn’t help that I am also sleep deprived.
Sometimes I need people to make life feel normal and sometimes I need people to let me talk, but always I need people. I really really need people but I’m really really alone. Why won’t God answer my prayer with a yes and let me go to forever home? I’m tired of holding on. It’s too much.
And I can’t figure out how to categorize my post from my phone.