Like it or not no matter how hard we can’t change all the damage

(Starting Over – Plumb)

Not really edited seeing as how I really need to get my computer turned in and I’ve had so many issues trying to copy enough of my files to feel comfortable saying goodbye…at this point I’m not sure how much or what is copied and there is half a chance that I have almost nothing…I hate that school completely clears our laptops…they say we can’t have personally identifiable information on there, but seriously? The information identifies ME!! Why can’t I have information identifying ME on MY laptop?? So frustrating!!

Since it needs to get turned in ASAP, I don’t have much of a choice in the matter at this point. It is going to have to go in God’s hands to hope that nothing crucial is missing. I guess I should be happy that there is a good chance I at least have SOME files. That was not true back in July when there were like 3 files left on my computer when it had a booboo…luckily that time the computer was fixable and I got everything back. This time it will be gone forever…plus that time my email was still fine…this time I’m also not so sure about my emails…sad day…we’ll just have to let go and hope for the best…

I was listening to a video yesterday, and the person on the video said “It’s okay to go numb. It’s helping you survive. It’s too much for our brain to process and we’re tired because we’re mentally and emotionally maxed out.” It felt really validating…I mean, she did say that being numb was normal for about two months from when the event occurred and if you only count from phase I my two months are up, but I didn’t go numb right away, so I think probably I get more time…and I know myself…it can take years…

Sometimes grief looks like a foot covered in blood…apparently there was something in the puddles I walked through on my way to church that irritated my skin…but I didn’t really notice much because of the much deeper hurt in my heart…as it turns out, by the time I got home the skin was so irritated that some areas had started bleeding and my whole right foot was red from blood…I didn’t even really notice until I looked down and didn’t think it looked right…yeah…sometimes the world in my head is so overwhelming that physical things get less notice. Oops…

I am still at a point where if I am interested in eating I am going to eat…not going to worry about whether it is a “good” time to eat or if what I want is balanced…when I am not actively trying to gain weight, snacks are something I really think about if I need before eating, but right now: if I want it and procure it relatively easily then I’m going to eat it.

It’s a really good thing that at the moment my OCD has gone away…I have no dish towels or wash clothes…so washing dishes is being gone with just some soap and my hands…are they perfect? No, but I’m the only one eating off of them, and that means it is good enough.

I keep telling people I am “applying”…AKA I wrote the letters of intent then went to church then tried to take a nap then watched videos. Then realized my CV needed updating before continuing…but by the time I went to bed I did have five more applications submitted than when I got up Saturday morning. It is a hard stressful process, but little by little I am getting through it.

A long long time ago when I was a first year I did the Strengthsfinders survey. Includer was not in my top 5. My guess would be that is probably because at that time I barely talked to my very closest friends, so clearly I wasn’t going to positively endorse any question about talking with a new person…but I think it is pretty clear to me that I am an includer. Lol…so what started as a quick special note to a few close friends to thank them for the difference they made in my life has turned into a huge insane project…when you are trying to figure out how to send a thank you note to someone who has lived in at least three states since the last time you saw her and you currently have no idea what state she is in much less have an address, email, or phone number, you know you might have started going overboard on this project…good thing I still have like 480 black and white prints left on my account…

I started with 2-3 people from the place I volunteer, 1 more person from church, 2 from school, and 1 from back home. Quick project to be easily completed sitting in the many many airports and airplanes I visited while interviewing in February, right? Yeah…then the list went up to 40 people to definitely do and a list of other people to be included if I have time…I think a good half of the list is people I haven’t seen in years and for whom I will struggle to find contact info…I might not be good at making friends, but living between two states gives you lots of opportunities to meet a lot of people…

Sometimes I am ashamed of my grief. The thought seriously went through my head last night that I should set up a make-shift bed in the closet so that if my roommates started moving in they wouldn’t see me crying…because at bedtime I was crying and not just like tears falling, but like body shaking crying. I go through most of the day numb and/or pretending…but the hurt is still very real more often than I’d like to admit. I haven’t truly gotten to the stage of numbness where the pain is 100% gone, but the light ache for parts of the day is so appreciated when the rest of the day is spent in agonizing deeply acute pain. I didn’t set up in the closet, and I calmed down without anyone seeing me…besides, it would probably be super awkward if someone had tried to move in and decided to open the closet only to discover someone sleeping and/or crying inside…

They did move in last night…in the middle of the night…side note, 24 hour quiet hours are anything but quiet…also side note, I now am very aware of why I have never shared a room before…umm, yeah not being able to turn on the lights makes getting ready in the morning hard. Not to mention I’m guessing they won’t appreciate if I want to turn my music on to sleep.

This morning I finished my cheerios and was still doing okay so I decided to capitalize that and went to get myself a chocolate chip bagel bread sliced please from Panera. It is kinda nice that now I live close enough to Panera that walking both there and back is less far than I walked one direction before I got my parking pass on Saturday. I have some rewards on my card, so that will probably help with the weight gain journey…I only gained half of a pound from last Saturday to this Saturday. I feel like a failure…Anyway, that’s not the point…so as I was walking to Panera, some lady comes up to me and goes “Why are you wearing that?” I looked down to make sure my shirt wasn’t inside out or backwards or anything, but all my clothes were on correctly and even fit appropriately. I just kinda stare at her like what is wrong with you and she says “well I just don’t know why anyone would wear anything like that?” Umm…it’s a Cru shirt and a pair of shorts…I just walked quickly away from her…

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