Better be Ready

(Written primarily during breaks in class…lol…that’s why we get potty breaks right? So we can skip them to write blog posts?)

 

(Believe what the lord says to you – FearNOT)

 

I feel like my brain is spinning in so many directions and I can’t keep up with any of them. So this post is probably going to be super disorganized and running in a million directions…Sorrynotsorry…

 

Life is all about balance…so for lunch on Wednesday I put my 7 pieces of pizza on two plates…yep, I ate almost an entire large Dominos pizza. I might have some meals that I still don’t do a great job on, but right now I am mostly balancing out to a level of calories that I think is going to get me where I want to be. It is certainly still frustrating when things aren’t going as well like last night when I gave away my drink tickets because I didn’t even want sprite, but it is really encouraging when things are going okay. It feels like maybe a tiny glimmer of hope when at least the physical symptoms are residing. I am so thankful for that.

 

Funny quote I heard this week: “People are just extended donuts.” Yeah, I don’t think I’ll ever look at a person the same way again…donuts are so yummy…I could totally go for a donut right now…I wanted a donut so bad yesterday and most times there are free donuts during finals week, but I couldn’t locate any donuts…sad day…

 

So, living in the res hall is wonderful in some ways. It solved my homelessness. It means I am never too far separated from any of my things so wanting or needing something different isn’t a huge deal. It is awesome to once again have access to water at any time of day. It is nice to not need to commute.

 

But there are also some things that are not so nice. I have never lived with other people in my same sleeping space before, and it is really intimidating and makes me feel like I can’t be me in my room, because I am afraid of bothering other people. It also means that I am constantly on campus. Despite the lack of major problems in a while, I am still always on alert to some extent while on campus. It is exhausting. I need time to turn off.

 

It is probably also why the germ issues have snuck back in a little bit. That’s what high levels of stress do. All of my things are in a corner to segregate them from anyone else’s germs. All of my things are in plastic bags before going in the community refrigerator. I cringed when one of my friends sat on my bed. I can’t explain it, but some people in my world seem dirty, and others don’t and this particular friend falls into the dirty category. Luckily, it was on the far side of my bed where my head doesn’t go, so I was able to continue to sleep on the bed each night. So far it hasn’t gotten out of hand, but it is frustrating to have worked through all of this same stuff so many times.

 

I went to IT yesterday because outlook won’t let my email account get set up. They couldn’t fix it. Their solution was that I should just delete all my emails and have people email me somewhere else so it wouldn’t matter. Umm, yeah. Deleting all my emails is not an appropriate solution to outlook not working. Yet this is what IT always does. However, it did give me the idea eventually that even though my email wasn’t working on my laptop that it does work in the library and I could therefore get my emails that way by utilizing the ones I did have saved (which was not all of them…good thing I didn’t rely on that TOO much). It also let me know that a lot of my emails that I thought were saved on my usb were not…good thing I was spot checking occasionally so I didn’t lose everything…I have no doubt that I lost a lot, and that is a bit unfortunate, and I’ll probably lose more later, but I am certainly happy to have whatever I can get.

 

I am overwhelmed. I don’t actually know if I have somewhere to live after tonight. I need to figure out how to register to take my board and law exams. I need to find a job. I need a lot of things…lol…I am so overwhelmed.

 

There are some times when I probably shouldn’t have been driving. Last night was one of those times. So, last night was an alumni association event that I figured I should probably go to. Despite knowing I should go, I was totally going to skip out anyway except for the promise of a drawing for $100. I went. It was immediately obvious upon arriving that it was not a good idea. On the way in there were a series of people and each one asked where I was going to be working next year and what my plans were. Ouch. Within the first 15 minutes I just wanted to yell EVERYBODY SHUT UP!! Even without that, I would have had a hard time…even if I weren’t struggling with grief it was an event with which I would have had a hard time. The venue would have been wonderful…if there were about a fifth as many people there. There were people and voices and movement everywhere. It was pretty much the entire space shoulder to shoulder. They originally said by like 6:20 we could leave…in reality the main program didn’t even start until 6:30…I was not a happy camper.

 

And then I went to church. I really thought that by going there I’d be able to calm down and recharge a little. I didn’t intentionally go so that I could be dangerous. I had a reasonably good time, but without really being surrounded by people I know, and by spending my time in an area that wasn’t as familiar to me, it didn’t really bring me to where I was hoping it would. Even if I had been with my favorite people and in a more familiar area, it might not have been enough anyway since I was so far gone after the ironically named event “Happy Hour.” Between exhaustion and the emotional pain I was in, I was definitely not a safe driver on the way home. My car and I made it in one piece, but TBH, I wasn’t because of anything I was doing. Like I got to school, walked around my car, and was relieved to note that there wasn’t any evidence of running into anything. I tried…All you can get from me is my best, and I did that.

 

Also, I have a lot of opinions…sometimes you learn to keep your mouth shut because if everyone is cheering about how excited they are about something you probably shouldn’t let them know how much you don’t like it…particularly since I am someone who would be thrilled to not go to the graduation ceremony anyway, so making it marginally better for me probably isn’t worth it…my opinions don’t matter that much.

 

Now that IT has re-imaged my computer, I can’t access the old wordpress anymore…I’m not really a fan of the new wordpress formats…so confusing. It takes forever to find what I’m looking for.

 

Everyone has been painting for hours and I finally was convinced to try it…so now I have two mini flower pots…so if you want one, let me know, because they are most likely not coming home with me…and no, I’m not quite sure what that white and red blob on the back of the one is…I accidentally got white paint on my hands that then got on the first pot I was painting and so I tried to make it look intentional but wasn’t quite sure what to make it into…

 

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