(Dreaming Jacobs Dream – Michael Card)
I am resilient. I am strong. I am brave. I am alive,..but I am so overwhelmed.
The continued questions about post-graduation plans are hard and don’t go away any more quickly as graduation comes closer. I have been holding on for graduation so long but the glow disappeared what is now almost two months ago. And applying is SO hard…and today was the first day there weren’t “normal life” plans. And that was hard too. Going through the motions of life gets me through the day. Sometimes I have to have life feel normal just a little bit. It is so hard. I need people so much.
In motion I am okay, but stopping I am not. It doesn’t hurt as much when I am in motion. So I was okay-ish most of the day until I had to sit still without music on to get more sunscreen on. Then I was crashing. I knew I needed to be in motion, so I didn’t even stop to get my shoes back on my feet. I just picked everything up and started walking. At this point I only had 20 minutes to be calm enough to use my big girl words with my friends. When there were five minutes left, I stopped and put my shoes on and like immediately got a text from my friends and could hold on for a few more minutes.
I did a really good job. I tried really hard to use my big girl words with my friends…It helps so much, SO much, but I was already so worked up that as soon as I was alone again I was back to falling apart and knew I couldn’t be safe going home. There are a lot of ways that going home could go wrong if I’d tried right then, so I didn’t.
And sometimes I’m a baby. Thumb in mouth, audiobook on my headphones, Sleep Sound in Jesus album playing on the laptop, skittles sharing the mouth with my thumb. In another hour I was okay…but so exhausted. There isn’t anywhere to sleep here. I looked. Well, okay, there is multiple somewheres I know about to sleep, but it would take too many social skills that I can’t access to go there.
But now IDK what to do. My thumb came out of my mouth like 5 minutes ago, so I can go anywhere without people finding out that I am not okay, but I’m so tired. I don’t really want to go back to school…partly because of the tiredness, but also because once I am back at school I will be alone again…but I guess without any other ideas I should probably go back…all I have left in my bag in terms of feeding my face is skittles and water, so it is probably time to head back to get some food. I will be okay. A few minutes at a time I will make it. I wish I could just go to forever home. Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why can’t it all end? Will anyone ever want me? Why did God take me to this place for the past approximately 15 years just to crush everything? Why is it so hard? I want so badly to go to forever home.
Lol yeah, so that was written maybe an hour and a half ago or so…I made it back…obviously…I did stop and admire the carseat graveyard, but I had enough sense to not try climbing the fence to get a closer look. I also apparently didn’t do a good job with the sunscreen and now have a beautiful imprint of my bra strap on my shoulder…and that is the real reason why your bra straps shouldn’t show…
Sometimes I wish people in this city weren’t quite so nice…so today someone stopped to offer me a ride when I was walking to the fancy gas station because I needed to go potty and didn’t want to have to have any conversations on the way and have to try to explain anything…and it wasn’t like I was dressed in such a way that I felt like I could get away with just wandering in anywhere and not being noticed…so anyway, single man in a car like I said yesterday is not something with which I am comfortable. Not to mention how awkward it would be to explain that I was wandering to go to the gas station…and given how I was doing emotionally, it was a really proud moment that I had words to say no thank you. It is great when my friends offer help, but random strangers on the street are a different story…plus I can’t apologize later for my poor behavior when it is some random stranger I’ve never met before.