I’m on my knees begging you please

(Alone – Hollyn)


Sometimes things don’t go well and you have to learn to just go with it.


If we want to stay super surface level, my mom and I are VERY different people and therefore don’t get along very well and also I find her extremely embarrassing. She likes to make a scene. I like to fade into the background. It isn’t a good combination…but I didn’t start writing to stay on the surface.


More to the point, last night was graduation rehearsal…that is something that shouldn’t have been a big deal for me…and it wouldn’t have been, except that the first thing we did was fill out a survey with a zillion questions…about the job I don’t have…thanks…can we rub it in any more that I failed? They are going to wish I didn’t fill out a survey when they see my answers. I’m kinda going to mess up the statistics they wanted to perform. Yep, lots of applications, no offers, no job. Yep, not only is there a line for what job(s) you signed on with, there is also a line for job offers…because some people actually have choices of where to work while I’m still over here rejected and unwanted. I almost cried, but I didn’t because I am not a baby.


I made it through the rest of the rehearsal. Once I got outside I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide. I wanted anything but to be where I was. Certain someone was there. Certain someone wasn’t supposed to be there. I haven’t seen her at previous graduation events, but there she was in the open area in front of the doors as if she’d just been waiting for me to emerge. That pretty much ended any possibility of having a positive attitude about being there. I found my parents and wanted to go home right then and just explain to the people I didn’t see that something came up (true statement – a bully came up). My parents weren’t keen on that idea…I don’t really know if there were other people I promised to say hi to and didn’t, but I found a chair in the crowd and wasn’t going anywhere.


Award ceremonies are already not really my thing. Ginormous social events are not my thing. I don’t like winning and I don’t like sitting still and watching other people win. Award ceremonies are pretty much lose-lose for me. So even without the situation I wouldn’t have wanted to be there, so you can imagine that my tolerance for annoyance was greatly decreased, particularly as the thing was going on super late at night. Like could we not do this at a time I wouldn’t rather be sleeping? It would be a lot more special to have a small group hang out time at a more reasonable hour than to force us to stay up late in a jumbo crowd. Just open a bunch of classrooms and enforce a maximum of maybe 5-10 people per room and then one classroom with bigger groups allowed to make sure people don’t make the hallway a hang out spot making it impossible to get from one room to the next.


The event ended with everyone having to hold a stinky cup of alcohol. I love the smell of cleaning alcohol, but the drinking kind is one of the smells that I can’t handle. I wanted to skip it but my parents wouldn’t let me. I stood there and by the time it was over I was SO done. My parents agreed that we could finally go home, but they just wanted to dump the nastiness out of the cup and go home that way. I said no and was again out-voted…but I did end up getting my way. I was so in over my head by the ridiculously late night and the earlier situation and having to be surrounded by that smell and it still kinda stunk in the car like the alcohol and I started crying and screaming and I half asked permission and half just did it. I pulled into a parking spot and went back inside and rinsed the gross out of the cup. My parents weren’t happy, but they should just be glad I didn’t throw the cup out the window. Besides, what is the point of a single cup? I don’t have any cups in that style at home so it isn’t like I can ever use it anyway. What a waste of my tuition dollars. A mug is something we could actually use. Speaking of my tuition dollars, we have a perfectly good auditorium and many other large spaces on campus but instead the school is renting another facility for graduation so that we all have to go to some random place downtown that we’ve never been before.


Also, why would you put something so disgusting in the cups? Fill them with lemonade. Everyone likes lemonade, and there is already as much free alcohol as you want at the event, so if it’s not like by filling the cups with something yummy you’d be depriving anyone of their opportunity to be even more over-served. Plus, like my parents noted, there are some people for whom drinking alcohol is opposed to their cultural beliefs and therefore not very inclusive to make us all hold it. Yep, my school found a way to make me hate them even more on the way out. I overheard when I was like a first or second year that the school doesn’t understand why their recent alumni are so angry…well it doesn’t seem like rocket surgery to me. Stop pulling this kind of stuff on us and maybe we will be more willing to engage with you once we have our diplomas and are no longer obligated to do so. I fully acknowledge that not all of the issues at school were completely the fault of the school, but I also acknowledge that there are a lot of things that once brought to their attention they could have quickly and easily remedied but chose not to, and many situations that they did directly create or were the primary contributor.


Speaking of diplomas, my school also plans to give diplomas to three students who didn’t even take most of the professional courses and certainly didn’t graduate. What a way to diminish the value of a diploma! I’d be cool with recognizing other students, but it is completely inappropriate and disrespectful to the work that the rest of us have done to give those students diplomas. If they can have them then I want some of my other friends to have them too. If all you have to do is make it to third year to get a diploma then I know plenty of people who also deserve diplomas. Why did I need to do six YEARS to earn my diploma when they get one for only getting 5-6 SEMESTERS through the program?


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