(Piece of Heaven – Go Fish)
I try to remind myself that with an eternity in heaven in front of me the time I spend in pain on Earth will be so small in comparison, but that is little consolation when it is hard right now.
When I am staying busy I can almost forget how much it hurts…but inevitably I cannot stay busy 24 hours a day 365 days a year. When I slow down the pain comes flooding back in. The pain tears me up inside and the pain overflows my body until I cry.
I took the NAPLEX today. I probably failed. I kind of care, but mostly right now the pain is so intense that I don’t care that much. I am basically in a dead end career-wise and every day is a reminder that chances are no matter what I do, I’ll never get to do pediatric critical care. On my NICU rotation I looked forward every day to coming to the hospital. Now I dread going every day and think all day about how much longer until I get to leave. I pretty much only treat adults – something that has never interested me. And when I interviewed they were all like everyone is equal and everyone rotates through every role…then I found out yesterday that isn’t quite true. There are two tiers and I will probably never be on the “clinical” tier. So once I finish training the extent of my code involvement will be making sure the cart gets to the right location.
I got a recruitment email from a children’s hospital today. I don’t know if the recruiter actually read my CV and understood enough to know if I actually have a chance at a position and I don’t know if the position would be something that is exactly what I want, but considering it would be working in pediatrics it would certainly be a LOT better than this. But I am stuck. I am responsible for a 1-year lease on an apartment a few states away from this hospital. I can’t take PTO which makes having an interview, especially out of state, nearly impossible. And it would be a big deal to quit a position within a month of being hired.
I want out, but there is nowhere to go. There isn’t any way to fix this. I can’t keep doing this. The hurt makes all the littler frustrations in life grow out of proportion. On Wednesday I worked a few hours at my old job in the morning and had a discount voucher for parking. The thing didn’t work. I know that the policy in that situation is that the lot attendant or security should let me out. The reason I have a voucher is that I pay for parking through the timeclock whether I park or not and I don’t have ID scan access at that hospital. Knowing this, the attendant should have let me out even if I hadn’t had a voucher (the voucher just makes it easier). Instead he demanded cash which I didn’t have. He acted like I was a criminal and an idiot for having a voucher that wasn’t working. After 15 minutes of back and forth of you need to give me cash and my countering that I didn’t have any over and over he finally wrote me a bill for eight dollars. Yes, I know logically that eight dollars isn’t enough to be angry over and that some people are just jerks because they can be and 15 minutes won’t kill me (unfortunately…) but I was seething by the time I got out of there. I had half a mind to find a way show up to the talk to the president of the organization time to express how upset I was. In retrospect, what I should have been incensed over was that this same thing could happen to a patient or family. That is completely unacceptable. Today at the NAPLEX as soon as I got to my seat I slipped off my sandals and then sat down to start my test. Two thirds of the way through I got a tap on my shoulder and the whispered command to put my shoes on. A million things were going through my head and I had to stop close my eyes and breathe to keep from crying. To feel safe I often need to be curled up in a small space and they took that away. Also, why in the world does it matter if I am wearing shoes…especially when it was totally fine for the first 2/3 of the exam?? Another thing that should have been a small annoyance rather than something that brought me close to tears.
I just want my life to be over. Why can’t God come back and take me home? Why won’t God make this hurt less? Why did God separate me from my dreams? Why do I have to keep being alive when it hurts so much? Maybe I could get into an accident on the way back to my apartment this evening and not have to be alive tomorrow. That would be preferable to living like this for the foreseeable future. Why didn’t anyone want me? Why can’t I ever be good enough? I just want to go home and be with my eternal daddy where there isn’t any pain forever and ever. I can’t do this. I don’t want to be alive.