I did a really stupid thing

(Cage – Plumb)


So yeah…I did do a really stupid thing… so I’m too short to be able to see the numbers on my combination lock on my storage unit. So…ummm…my solution to that issue was to climb up and use the front of my car as a step stool…I am so stupid. Umm, yeah, I felt it kinda fold under my weight…I guess the more even pressure of wind or whatever is what cars are made to support, not the uneven weight of my feet. I am an idiot.


But, it is not the end of the world…there are a lot worse things in life than a slightly dented car…like having to stand next to someone who’s nametag says social worker on rounds…I really do know cognitively that I am not under any threat during rounds, but my body and mind don’t understand that. It was not an ideal first experience with rounds at my new job. I can say that while this job is not my favorite that the clinical shifts are definitely a LOT better than the order entry shifts though even if I do sometimes have to stand next to a social worker…I guess that kinda tells you how frustrating the order entry shifts are…if I could do only clinical it would be a lot easier to hold on…but anyway, I guess that was one more reminder that I can’t put the whole abuse thing behind me without actually doing some work to really get over it. I guess it really isn’t something I can just avoid forever.


Also, speaking of really stupid things…here are some of the things I have done today that were stupid…leaving bubble wrap with big bubbles on the floor in the kitchen – when you are walking to the shower in the morning and suddenly here “breaking” sounds it is a bit disconcerting and concerning. Also, skating while pulling a wagon behind me – it doesn’t give me much ability to slow down without running into something…lol…Also, standing on the hinges of said wagon to reach the lock since clearly I have now learned that I really really shouldn’t be standing on my car…


So, I guess that moves either a step stool or a lock with a key instead of numbers up the wish list so that I can stop being so dangerous…but on the positive side, I was smart enough to remove my skates and socks before trying to stand on the wagon, and I also was smart enough to not try to skate under the garage door as it closed…


Further in the song Cage, there are lyrics that say “why you tryna pretend that I’m fine that everything’s okay someday I’ll be alright.” I feel like every day I put on a mask and play my part in the play of everything is awesome, but it feels like it will never be true, that I will never feel okay again. I want to be happy. Not just superficial like momentary happiness from like a really awesome one-time event, but deep down life-happy.


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