(This is another linkup with Holley Gerth…and it might be a little messy because my life is a little messy sometimes…)
Yep, I definitely have moved back to Christmas music…
Have you ever wondered if Bible characters were sassy in real life?
Gabe: I’m going to strike you dumb.
Eli: *How* dumb?!
Gabe: No, dumb as in silent, you know, can’t speak?
Yeah…I’m glad we don’t generally call mutism being dumb anymore. That is hurtful. I guess I kinda understand why dumb became associated with stupid though…when you don’t talk usually people get that there is a lot more going on behind the scenes (Things aren’t always what they seem, you’re only seeing part of me, there’s so much more that’s going on behind the scenes – Francesca Battistelli), but I think maybe once in a while they assume that if you can’t verbally show that you know that you must not know. And I did label myself stupid…it mostly became ingrained in my identity when Certain Someone labelled me that way and did everything in her power to make sure I knew how stupid I was and that if I were smart I wouldn’t be struggling with anxiety…now even though it is stuck in my identity, I know cognitively that being able or unable to speak is not indicative of intelligence. Having anxiety was NOT my fault and NOT something I chose. I was working hard to overcome and not being able to snap my fingers and no longer have any social difficulties didn’t make me stupid, it made me normal. No one gets over anxiety instantaneously by just deciding not to have it anymore. It doesn’t work like that. I am not a complete failure. I am a resilient survivor. And broken people are strong because they know they can survive…even if sometimes they aren’t sure they really wanna survive. Okay, well maybe I am a failure, but not directly because of anxiety.
So anyway, the topic this week is: Living fully Loving bravely.
I know these things are supposed to be hopeful. Hope is so hard. So you’re going to have to get all the way to the end of this one to find the hope…I really am doing a lot better…and in a few more hours I’ll have made it two days in a row with no tears, but my world is still in little pieces waiting to be put back together with some shards too small to be able to even think about putting back together.
But I am going to learn to hope again. I will. I even already have some friends and I even know their names!! And I will learn to trust again.
Trust and hope both are incredibly difficult…and make living fully more difficult. When all you can see is your pain and your loss it is hard to go on with life. Sure, I go through the motions, and I am getting really good at pretending I am fine, but underneath I am not really living.
I don’t remember where I heard it, but sometime recently I heard that wounds in our lives usually come from relationship and can only be healed by relationship…and I think it is very true. I don’t think it is just because I am an extravert that I crave relationship and have felt the best while with other people and the first few minutes or so after being with people. I believe there is a lot of power in *with.* We were not made to live this life alone. It is sometimes small comments that weren’t even much a part of the conversation that make the biggest difference. Sometimes just someone else understanding is huge. It means a lot when someone can identify connections that really get at my heart. Being brave and making friends is the biggest step I can take towards continued healing.
I am never really alone…’cause God made me and he loves me so and he is my friend forever…