(Breathin’ to Death – Lecrae)
So, what I said yesterday about hope…yeah, never mind. Hope just creates more ways to get hurt. It is definitely not worth it. I want to give up, but I’ve gone too far to just quit now. The clock says it is past lunch time…my mouth says I’m not eating ever. Ever ever. I know I have to eat. I worked so hard and finally recently started getting to the point of eating normally again…and I know that even a few days of slipping is just going to make it harder. When you lose weight really fast you luckily can also gain it back really fast without even eating completely normally again, but obviously losing over 25 pounds (closer to 35) over just a couple weeks and then gaining most of it back in a month isn’t healthy and it definitely isn’t healthy to start losing it all again…not to mention that aside from calorie intake, my body probably needs some nutrition. For a while I was taking 2-3 multivitamins every day to make up some of the lost nutrition, but as I started eating better (and got busy) I went down to just one a day and now I only get around to one every few days…and I do know that multivitamins are not a substitute for eating actual food.
So yeah, all that to say I am super determined to not fall all the way back to the bottom functionally. Emotionally I might be at the bottom and stuff, but if I’m gonna have to stay alive then I am going to work harder than I’ve ever worked before to shove food in my face and not be a bad friend. I don’t want to be alive, but that is God’s choice, not mine, and it won’t make life as a whole easier to give up on eating. Not eating and drinking eventually leads to exacerbating the physical exhaustion of grief. It’ll probably help that I don’t have to worry about homework and studying and stuff anymore, so if it takes three hours or more of concentrated focused effort to get food inside my body then I can do that (although it does mean most of lunch will become dinner since I can’t have three hours off to try to get a bag of chips in my mouth…and that might make dinner even harder…but I’m going to try). And with that I am taking a break to try to get some food in my mouth. I am very glad I had some snacks before finding out I lost my job though (not the full time one, I lost the one I like) so this doesn’t have to be a full meal yet.