(Thank God For Country Radio – Stephanie Pauline)
This video showed up on my facebook feed today. This is so wrong. I was thinking…If I were the family of that girl I wouldn’t trust that entire school district…for that matter the girl’s teammates were involved in the abuse and hurt her and videoed her being hurt instead of getting help or trying to stop her from being hurt. It was a team effort to assault her. I’d be interested in moving somewhere far far away.
But would I, really? My track record doesn’t exactly show that I know how to escape; It shows that I get stuck and let people continue to hurt me.
It is a good reminder that there are a lot of things that keep people from escaping really difficult situations. I couldn’t just leave because at the beginning of third year I was two years into school but had really only taken one class that I hadn’t come into college with because the rest of my classes were repeats of credits that hadn’t transferred in. After third year? Well, pharmacy oriented classes are unlikely to transfer because each school’s curriculum is so different. Additionally, even if they did, because of the differences in curriculum it would likely make little to no difference in the continuation of my studies somewhere else. Outside of the lost years of schoolwork, I had made connections to people in the area. After third year a lot of people chose sides and weren’t my friends anymore, but I still had a lot of incredible friends that I couldn’t have gotten through it without. And while leaving may have protected me from the continuation of the abuse, it wouldn’t have taken away the abuse that had already occurred.
So yeah, if you caught it in my last post, I lost my pediatric job and all the incredible coworkers I had there. It is really hard. That was the one little light I was holding on for and now that is gone too. Sure, I *knew* there was a possibility I wouldn’t be able to move into a pharmacist position and couldn’t legally keep a job title as an intern without an intern license, but I didn’t really think it would happen. I really honestly thought the reason I was talking with my manager was to figure out scheduling things. I got to my parents’ house and spread out all my schedules across the table and waited for the phone to ring…and waited…and waited…and discovered another loss. It hurts so much. The positive part of doing it over the phone instead of in person is that I could hide the fact that I was crying for a long time…although obviously the façade fades when I have to say more than one word and can’t control my voice enough to hide it, but I think she didn’t know I was crying for a while.
Speaking of crying, I would rather have someone overhear me repeating to myself that we don’t cry outside than for someone see me cry. I have a waterbottle that I thought back in March held like 3 or 4 cups but have since discovered is approximately two cups…anyway, I hadn’t re-filled it since Wednesday and it was still mostly full when I left work today…so I decided before I went home that it had to be empty…so I wandered the streets of my current city until it was finally empty…being in motion and outside does really help not cry, but it would have been nice if I had maybe thought about where I was and where I lived so that I didn’t run out about a mile from my apartment. I almost cried when I realized it was now time to go home (because excessive activity is also not ideal when you aren’t eating and drinking well…) and I didn’t know where I was and wasn’t 100% sure how to get from where I was to my apartment. Luckily I guessed right and took a relatively direct route home, but you know your head isn’t screwed on quite right when you see a sign that says Missouri and you almost sit down right there because you definitely can’t walk all the way from Missouri to your apartment. Umm, yeah, no, you didn’t wander across a few states after work.
There are a lot of really hard things in life and sometimes it seems like God doesn’t really doing a good job, but I can’t help but admit that he did a really good job today. The blender I ordered arrived today. I thought about doing a facebook live because it seems like all the cool people are doing that, but I decided probably no one wanted to watch me open a box and take out a blender. You’re welcome. But the novelty having a blender took away some of the hurt long enough that I was able to wash the pieces and attempt to make Nice Cream. Apparently “enough liquid to blend well” is a lot less chocolate almond milk than filling up the container so I ended up with a smoothie instead, but again the novelty was enough that I drank a pretty good amount of it. Yep, probably a serving and a half of fruit/vegetable and a serving of milk without a fight. That was such a blessing. Not everything me and God do is a fail. Kinda like last night. It would be pretty obvious to an outside observer that I failed to actually clean my car in the 45 or more minutes I was “washing” it. I actually had a very successful time. The goal wasn’t necessarily a clean car. It was more like giving my car a shower and using up plenty of time in semi-public not crying to that maybe I wouldn’t be crying quite as hard when I was trying to fall asleep. And it worked. More of the soapy water probably ended up on my feet and the ground than on my car, but I at least went to bed not soaked in tears and crying but not gasping for air.
And yeah, speaking of my car, it wasn’t the safest thing in the world for me to be driving back to my apartment, but it was a lot safer than some other times I have driven, and it wasn’t like I had a lot of other options. And more importantly, since I am writing this, I made it in one piece.
If I could have stayed overnight I would have because I know that the early morning is when I am at my best, but while there were extra clothes in my car, I can’t go to work wearing a logo t-shirt for a different hospital (Especially when it has salty stains on the sleeves from wiping off tears), and I also currently work somewhere that doesn’t allow sleeveless tops even if the straps are super close to being sleeves, and having to be at work at 7am doesn’t give a lot of extra time to go get a clean shirt from my apartment…and I didn’t have like a toothbrush or any other toiletries for spending the night. But I made it. The first almost accident I got in was only like 57% my fault. See, someone next to me was messin’ with his phone and totally not paying attention and started driving like straight towards me and I luckily happened to be looking out the passenger side window rather than the windshield (See, distraction can also be useful), and so I reacted by moving out of the way…without looking to see where I was going. Luckily the person driving where I was moving towards was actually paying enough attention to see what was happening and give me plenty of space. The next almost accident was, okay, maybe 61% my fault. Some brainchild in front of me came to a complete and final stop on the freeway for no apparent reason. And I didn’t…well, at least not until I was dangerously close. Apparently I screamed “What the he*k” loud enough that the person who had his/her windows rolled down heard me and made some gesture that seemed to be saying sorry. And then I felt bad because I shouldn’t use bad language and if I was going to talk disrespectfully I shouldn’t have said it so loud…and yeah, I remember there being more almost incidents, but I don’t remember them…but I didn’t run into anything, and that’s gotta count for something.
I was looking forward to seeing my coworkers one more time on Monday for another goodbye party, but then I got a facebook this evening that it doesn’t work after all. I still gotta drive most of the way there though because I already told my parents that was when I was coming home to work on my laptop.
And when life was getting better I was okay with a new laptop, but now that the world is falling apart again I don’t want a new laptop. It is way too different and I don’t really like it that much. Fujitsu makes laptops with incredible features that no one else can replicate…and they can’t be purchased at micro center. I know that you are supposed to buy a new laptop before your old one dies so you don’t lose information and that the fact that a couple keys stopped working wasn’t a good sign for my laptop, and I know buying used laptops isn’t the right approach, but it is frustrating that that is one more thing to deal with when my emotional plate is already overflowing and flooding the floor. I can’t do this. I know it isn’t the appropriate choice to just bring it back to the store and pay whatever re-stocking fee they charge if it is even allowed to be returned, but just having it in existence while I continue using my current laptop is just one more thing on my plate. I don’t even want to be alive. Why won’t God just take me home? I’ve been asking for so long. It doesn’t seem like there is anything left worth staying alive for. I know I have worked way too hard to just walk away, but I don’t know if I care. It hurts too much.