She Wonders Why

(Britt Nicole – When She Cries)

 

So, being real honest here…today was an especially rough day in my world, and I told myself I needed to communicate somewhere instead of just living inside my head…so I decided blogging was easiest…

 

I know I need to trust God’s plans, but sometimes it is hard.

 

Sometimes when I’m struggling I start to isolate myself because despite how deeply I yearn for community, it feels so hard sometimes to do anything but just get through the day.

 

I’m a fighter. I will get through it.

 

There’s that phrase I heard somewhere a long time ago, if a tree falls in a deserted forest does it make a sound…I mean, considering the laws of physics, I would have to say yes…but anyway, yesterday I accidentally cried at work, and was wondering if no one was around to see does it really count as crying in a public place?

 

Sunday is world suicide prevention day. Sometimes I wish I believed in suicide, because that would be so much easier than continuing through all the pain…but I don’t believe in suicide, and I have to believe that God will help get me through. It may be true that prayer changes people more than it changes situations, but even if I am stuck here, being more able to cope with it emotionally will still be good. The residency cruise ship has sailed, and I have to learn how to live on this rowboat in a stormy ocean that God put me on instead and just hold on, trying not to go under.

 

Most days I am doing a lot better…okay, all days I am doing a lot better…but some days are a lot better than others. Today was another day I was struggling to eat dinner. But I am strong. I asked myself what I wanted to eat and the resounding answer was nothing…not even skittles sounded good…but I knew nothing wasn’t a dinner option. It took all evening, but dinner was eaten. I did it. I have to remember, like in Estherday, “the very last minute isn’t late when God is in it.”

 

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