(Sound of Surviving – Nichole Nordeman)
They told me I’d never get to tell my story, too many bullet holes, it would take a miracle…trying to steal my hope, silencing my soul. This is the sound of surviving…I’m still here. I’m still here….I’m still here – say it to the tears, say it to the ache.
I’ve felt lately like “I’m still here” is my flag. But I’m not sure if that is a resilient proud “I’m still here,” or a resigned defeated “I’m still here.”
Some moments there is a sense of accomplishment that I am still here. Still alive and now feeding myself appropriately, sleeping, trying to make a life from the ruins even if it kind of mostly is hard and frustrating and lonely and disappointing. I don’t cry all day every day. I go to work every day and am the pharmacist I was told I’d never be. Maybe not the kind of pharmacist I want to be, but nonetheless, a pharmacist who made it through school, and was hired into a full time position.
A lot of times though, it is more of an expression of defeat. After another year I am still stuck in a dead end. I am still struggling with the pain of loss. I still feel alone, especially now that I am not the new kid that everyone needs to meet. I don’t want to be here anymore, but I’m still here.
I don’t really know what to do. Last year I learned to be active to make the pain go away. That stopped working. For a long time there was a direct correlation of movement with how I was feeling, but somehow eventually it stopped making a difference…maybe because I am so active that it doesn’t really matter anymore…idk…I tried again today. Walking the mall sorta kinda gave me purpose, but that’s about it. It kinda also reminded me of the time spent walking around and around the block last year in my free-ish time during that last rotation, which caused a reflection of that pain, which was not helpful.
But whether good or bad, I’m still here…like the quote in one of the books I listened to said, “I’m not trying to save my ministry, I’m trying to save my life.” My focus needs to be on doing whatever it takes to continue to survive.