Category Archives: ADHD

I just wanna be worthy of love

(Beautiful – Bethany Dillon)

 

So yeah, I scribble or doodle a lot while I am work because I run out of things to do, and especially on evening shifts I need SOMETHING to do to keep myself from going completely crazy. Mostly it is literally scribbling across the paper. Random lines filling my papers in with bright red color…but yesterday one of my papers didn’t have any PHI on the back and I started drawing real pictures and words. Stupid stuff I found on the internet like “happiness is a piece of cake.” I followed that with a drawing of a piece of cake. Happiness is not a piece of cake as in easy though. Happiness is hard. Happiness is often a mask that I wear. Happiness is a disguise I put on while trying to run from myself and my pain, hoping it’ll all go away. Maybe that is why people discount my pain. I found something on the internet yesterday and it really well described what a lot of my life has been like. I have been going through a lot of life with duck syndrome. A duck looks like it is gliding across the water, but underneath it is frantically relentlessly paddling. I worked SO hard in school throughout middle and high school and college. I guess from the outside it looked easy because form the outside you weren’t with me much so you didn’t see that nearly every waking minute not consumed by the essentials of life was spent doing homework and studying. Even if I tried to access support, even if I tried to explain that I was struggling, even if I wanted to let people in that this was really really hard for me, they wrote me off. People expected me to do well, but refused to believe that my success was dependent upon actual hard work. They refused to believe that anything I did actually required any effort. Y’all, that is a huge pressure to carry. Sure, the world didn’t end when things happened and I got my first final grade that wasn’t an A, but the year that first non-A happened was the year the abuse was up front in my face for an hour every week. That first failure was partly an unfair teacher who (seriously) would randomly add points to certain student’s grades and take points away from others for no real reason, and partly because my ability to focus and stuff was inhibited by the abuse…but at the time I mostly blamed myself. I had been hearing over and over that no one would ever want me and I wasn’t good enough and here was some tangible proof that nothing I did would ever be enough. I was being told in counseling that I was lazy and didn’t want to learn, so what conclusion could I draw than that I clearly hadn’t tried hard enough and this was my punishment. I was a failure. It wasn’t something I did, it was who I was. I was paddling for everything I was worth, frantically trying not to drown. I didn’t need to be perfect, I just wanted to be worthy of love.

 

So imagine how much worse the pain when my failure is not just being one question away from an A, but the fact that not a single residency program wanted me. The crushing and reversal of shalom when every program that had told me what a strong candidate I was turned around and decided they didn’t want me. The betrayal when even my friends at the hospital I was currently working at didn’t want me and wouldn’t even give me a reason why. Those words that I would never make it as a pharmacist, that no one would ever want me felt like truth. The light at the end of the tunnel I had been reaching for was gone. This was all I had really wanted since early childhood. And graduation and residency was when I would finally be free of that abuse. Instead, the abuse took the forefront with all the chaos making it more real. And then it happened again in phase II. And I tried the Scramble and got zero response. Which meant I could live in denial for a long time, while still realistically looking for other options…looking, as in crying tears that were nearly dry while attempting to apply to positions.

 

And now I am trying to do it again. I wasn’t going to put any more details out there, but I just really need to write and I guess I am just going to have to hope my online anonymity plays in my favor and keeps me from oversharing with anyone who maybe shouldn’t know yet…so yeah, I got one robo-email thanking me for my application. Two complete non-responses. And the place I currently work giving me an interview. Tomorrow. Is it a pity-interview? Maybe. No one else wanted me. Why would they? But they were the only people that wanted me last year. But that was a different position. I don’t know if I want the position. I don’t know if I can take the rejection again. Applying only in phase II sped up the process. Not only WAY fewer programs, but also way less time to think about it. That was/is probably helpful to not extend the process too much, but it also means that I planned to get ready for the interview on my days off and so far absolutely nothing has happened. I did nothing last Thursday and I have done nothing today.

 

I don’t have an ADHD diagnosis. I got teased about having ADHD in school, and mostly just brushed it off, but once in a while I wonder…like how my plans for today was to prepare to interview. It is currently 12:30. I am in the middle of 4 different youtube videos. I haven’t started thinking about the interview yet besides putting tomorrow’s outfit in the bathroom so I remember what to wear. This is not to make light of the diagnosis or whatever and I know if I want to actually know I need to get over my anxiety surrounding the mental health profession…Plus, chances are that this part of it anyway is at least partly grief and anxiety and avoidance driven.

 

Pain makes us do stupid stuff…lol…umm…so it takes a LOT of preparation to figure out interviewing, especially for someone like me who works a lot harder than most other people for social situations. So, consider that a lot of “learned” “remembered” information from my interview preparation and experience last year is no longer in my memory because grief and trauma can break the connections that allow memories to be remembered or to even be formed. No problem, right, the vast majority of the information was written down as a backup anyway. Yeah, umm, in the pain following the loss, I threw away almost everything related to residency. I kept a few interviewing questions pages a little longer until I had a job, but once I had a job, it was all gone, because it was all too painful. Life was incredibly painful, and any reminder of what happened was another insult to the injury. I kind of knew I would one day do residency again, but mostly life was over. No one would ever want me, and I didn’t want to be alive. I had given God a date on which he should make sure I was no longer alive. It was all too painful.

 

I guess remembering that, I realize that I really am doing a lot better. Last year, Good Friday was really painful. I needed to be at church because I desperately needed community, but it was also hard because at church they talk about how God died on the cross and stuff, and I felt so deeply isolated because I felt so jealous that God got to die when I was stuck still alive. It still feels very painful, but remembering that, I realize that while the progress might seem slow while I am going through it, that there has been a crazy insane amount of progress since then.

 

It feels like the rejection was yesterday and at the same time it feels like I have been living in this hopelessness forever. I know the abuse ended when I graduated, but just because the abuse ended doesn’t mean the pain doesn’t still cut deep or that the words have been forgotten. Wounds don’t heal as quickly as I would like. And it still feels like no matter what I do I will still be stuck here forever. I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t even know anymore if I even want this position. I am terrified of making the wrong decision. I am caught in the web of ambivalence. The gaslighting and powerlessness taught me to not trust even myself to know what the right thing is, and so add to that a decision that would be difficult for anyone and I am completely in over my head. I am learning trust again slowly. I am learning to trust myself and I am learning to trust others, but even before the abuse, decisions were hard for me. I just feel like I can’t. I can’t interview. I can’t. They aren’t going to want me anyway so why should I try? I know that is a horrible attitude. It just hurts too much. I just want everything to be over. I would be happier dead. Sometimes I do still think maybe I should abandon pharmacy and do social work instead. Maybe I would finally find somewhere that someone would want me. Or maybe I’d just find more rejection. IDK. It just hurts so much and I really just want a way out of the pain. I want to feel good. I want to be happy. I want to be worthy of love. Grief hurts so much. I just want everything to go away. But I can’t. It won’t. I’m stuck. I feel so isolated and alone. I want to go back to where there are people who care. Maybe I should go to that school with the pretty commercial that makes everyone look so happy. And I could volunteer again at church and the counseling center. And I would be around my awesome community again and maybe I would feel okay again. I don’t know how to keep going when it feels like my heart has been burned to charred crumbs.

 

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I know you said you’d never ever leave me and I know you never ever lie

(Here – Jamie Grace)

 

I wish I could say that I prayed and shared and suddenly everything was awesome…people who speak fluent Christian-ese like to talk as if that is exactly what happens every time we pray. I really don’t like when people act like that, because it is incredibly naïve. God promises to give us everything we NEED, not everything we want, or even everything we THINK we need. He also doesn’t promise to give it to us here on Earth. All we truly need is salvation, so in reality, God has kept his end of the promise if we eventually die and get to go to heaven. God never promises that life will be easy. He never promises that the answer to all our prayer requests will be yes. He actually tells us that in this world there will be trouble…but people want a vending machine Jesus…and I have to admit that when I hear that theory enough times and I am so desperate for what I really want, it is easy to want so badly to believe it that the fact that God doesn’t deal in plea bargains is forgotten. You can’t buy what you want with good deeds, fasting, prayer, reading the Bible, or any other good thing. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do any of those things if they are what God is calling you to do, but it just means that you can’t expect to get to cash in your “goodness” for what you want.

 

So with that in mind, the sermon at church today was exactly what I needed to hear. It was about living in God’s love, but not experiencing God’s love. A good reminder that yes, God is good, even if life here on Earth is sometimes so very bad. The speaker explained how trying to be really good makes us either a failure or a jerk. He talked about how sometimes we are dealing with so much brokenness, loneliness, and/or loss that eventually God can only protect us and give us refuge in two ways – either by healing our circumstances or by taking us home. Another way God is showing me his presence – another normalizing influence on my desire sometimes to just go home to heaven where there will be no more pain. And speaking of pain, the speaker also reminded us that God’s love is bigger than whatever anyone has done to us. As someone who has been abused by someone who should have been protecting me, forgiveness has been something I have struggled with. At times I feel like I really do forgive her, but at other times the hurt wells up and cuts off my ability to forgive. God’s love covers me and all the pain I have endured.

 

I know God is with me. Last year it felt so much like maybe he gave up on helping me through life, that I was ready to believe it. It took a long time to be ready to believe again that God does care about me. He does love me. Yes, it started with maybe it is possible and slowly progressed to maybe he does before I think he does and then yes, I know he cares…but the whole time I was struggling to keep my head above water, God was there helping keep the water from drowning me. God is there and God cares even when life is incredibly difficult. The first resident interview at my current place of employment was Friday and that was hard, but I have to remember that God is with me even when it is hard. I was thankful for in exchange for being one of two pharmacists not getting to attend the interview I got to trade into the first available lunch time even though my position that day is supposed to have to wait. That let me have the breather I definitely needed after being face to face (literally and figuratively) with the resident candidates.

 

I’ve been listening to the Healing Path by Dan Allender again. Found another quote that I am thinking about “Faith is hope regarding our past. Hope is faith regarding our future.” Faith means I know that despite my painful experiences that God is there working all things together for good. Hope means I believe that one day I will be living in paradise with my eternal daddy. It is a good reminder that although hope is really really hard, if I have faith then I am already succeeding at hope in at least a small way.

 

Totally unrelated, but I was teased in college about having ADHD. I do not have an ADHD diagnosis. Most of the time I think there is absolutely no way that I have ADHD. I did fine in school. Externally until the past year anyway, I was super organized even if my room was sometimes a disaster zone. Surely if I really had ADHD someone would have noticed way sooner than a group of study buddies halfway through college. But once in a while I wonder if they might be right. I know I have heard statistics that only like 25% of ADHD diagnoses are in females, but it is suspected that ADHD is equally common in males and females and simply less well-recognized in females. Add that to times like when I forgot I was making pancakes only to be reminded by the smell of burning pancake…three times in a row, and I start questioning. I followed a series of links today (don’t even ask where I started…) and ended up on a paged talking about women with ADHD. While I still am not totally convinced that I fall into that category, there were definitely some parallels. Girls with ADHD tend to learn coping mechanisms to hide their differences. They become perfectionists who spend hours taking notes and double triple quadruple check everything. Umm, yep, for a long time I strived (strove?) for perfection, not that I wanted to be perfect, but that the closer to perfect you are the more space you have to screw up later without it causing major problems, so basically, what looked like fear of failure was really preparation to make potential failure less damaging. The article talked about how whereas a boy is disruptive by constantly tapping his foot, the girl is forgotten while she twirls her hair…yep, I definitely am the person whose hair is a fidget device and has to be tight against my head if you want me to remember not to touch it. The article also discussed that male friendships tend to be instantaneous via a shared activity whereas girl friendships require noticing and acting on social cues, which girls with ADHD struggle with. I don’t know exactly where my social struggles come from, but I like the idea that it isn’t all my fault 🙂 . The other thing in the article I connected with is that ADHD often comes at a significant emotional price for females which makes medication less tolerable by exacerbating anxiety-like symptoms…if I am being really honest, that is one of the things that makes me not even want to get formally tested for ADHD. I am terrified of the side effects of the first line medications…

 

Of course, then there’s this afternoon/evening that makes me wonder if those people were right. Somewhere around 2:30 or 3 I tried to start getting some chicken cooked. If you were wondering, it is a bad idea to put an entire tray of refrigerated chicken breast in the freezer, because not only does it stick together, but it sticks to something that appears to basically be a cross between a pad and a diaper in the bottom of the tray. Once you have successfully separated them once, it is an even worse idea to throw them all back in a plastic bag (wet) in the freezer. Now instead of a row of stuck together pieces of chicken along a diaper, you have one big ball of chicken uniboob. I tried really hard to re-separate it and even tried cooking it just a teeny tiny bit, but those stubborn things were not coming apart, so the only way to cook them was going to be the oven since it was the only place this monstrosity was going to fit. So somewhere between 4 and 5 I put the chicken in the oven at 350ish degrees…I started at 375, but the internet told me quite definitively that chicken cooked at either 350 OR 400, not 375. So anyway, I set a timer and go back to my laptop. Y’know, the oven does the same thing that they say is the reason you should get a dog – it reminds you of what you should be doing. The oven faithfully went off every like 5 or 10 minutes after the timer went off to let me know to go give it some attention, and I was in my own little world ignoring that beeping…and suddenly it was 7:08 and it beeped again and I was like uh oh, I was making chicken. Luckily the fact that there was like 3-4 pounds of meat there meant it didn’t have time to burn, but just get overcooked. And that explains why I was so hungry and snacky and consumed so much candy and still wanted to eat my brain out – chicken was supposed to be the main course for dinner and I hadn’t eaten it yet. Lol, it is times like this that make me claim I am no good at adulting.

 

These Scars are Not For Life

The Skies Alive – Remedy Drive)

 Note that this was composed from my phone as Mr. Lappy Pants was left behind last night…so there might be more typos then usual…or maybe less because I swipe to type on my phone so there is a lot lower chance of flipped around letters…

There has been a lot of hurt in my life, and sometimes it seems like no sooner does one wound heal but another cut comes deeper. I fight and fight and keep going through life…

Remember when I started a happy journal because of an idea in a book that sounded awesome…and wasn’t so awesome in real life? Well, the new awesome idea is that maybe I’ll make more friends if I don’t let anyone in on the pain and do a better job pretending everything is awesome…yeah…pretty sure that is not going to work very well. There are a few things that are legitimately signs that God is still present even if it doesn’t always *feel* that way.

Something I heard today is sorta related. “Disengagement is a refusal to risk any future loss.” I don’t think that is exactly what I do – a lot of my pretending is more related to my social prowess, or lack thereof. I do, however, stay super busy if I can as a way of warding off the pain. If I can manage to get engaged enough in other things the pain is much more dull and manageable.

But disengagement doesn’t completely take away the possibility of further hurt. Having no or low to negative expectations does decrease how much bad things hurt, but it isn’t fool proof. Some things are completely unexpected and just catch you really off guard. Like finding out today about someone I know in ICU trying to be stabilized enough to make it to a bigger trauma center. A few states away, I feel totally helpless, unable to do anything. I want to be able to help, but there is nothing I can do from a few states away, and even if I was closer, there’d be little to nothing I could do, because I am pretty sure at this point visitors would just be more bodies in the way.

It reminded me, though, about something someone said to me last winter about why he preferred pediatrics. His reasoning was that a lot of adult issues are at least partially self-inflicted and that it often seems like in adults we are sustaining life in circumstances in which living might not even be in the patient’s best interest because of what their quality of life will look like. I do agree for the most part on the second point with reservations regarding determining the patient’s opinion about what kind of life is worth it since I don’t think we as medical professionals can claim to know enough about any patient to make that decision for them. I don’t totally agree on the first point. Maybe it’s because I’m one of those look for the good in everyone and give lots of chances kind of people, but I really value treating people who brought their condition on themselves. I believe that for the most part people don’t wake up in the morning thinking about how they can harm themselves and ends up in the hospital, rather, it is more a breakdown of trying to do whatever it takes to get through life and not quite hitting the target. I really empathize with that struggle. I do strongly prefer treating children, but clearly it is not for exactly the same reason. And that is something really cool about this world. We all are totally different people who come from diverse backgrounds that shape us in such a way that even if we outwardly appear similar, our raison d’être can be utterly different.

So anyway, that wasn’t at all what I planned to write about and just became a kinda long tangent…but what else would you expect of me?!

So anyway, a few years ago when the word resilient was used to describe me, I was internally screaming “don’t you see what I am going through? Don’t you understand how hard this is? Do you think this is okay?” As the years have gone by, however, I have realized that I am resilient. I struggle, but I keep running towards the light. Although it seems to me like it I am just doing what I have to for survival, I guess I discounted that it is possible to stop doing even that. Recently, I have learned to be super proud of myself for how resilient I am. Resilience doesn’t mean not getting hurt; it means continuing to get up when you fall to the ground.

Y’know, I never thought I’d say this, but there are some jobs that I am kinda glad I didn’t get. I interviewed for a residency in Texas and it was one of my top choices at the time. I also applied for some jobs in Texas I didn’t get interviews for. And shortly after accepting the job I currently have, I was contacted by a recruiter from Texas to apply for some open positions. As enjoyable as those jobs may have been, I am so thankful I did not move to Texas and ends up losing everything. I may not be totally satisfied here, but I don’t think flooding is much of a threat…although I do live kinda at the bottom of a hill…so…who knows.

Yesterday I was driving to my parents’ house yet again and was thinking about the major contrast from the last time I’d driven up. Last time I was practically bouncing off the walls of my car with excitement. I could not sit still and literally more than once had to tell myself stuff like get your foot out of your face and watch where you’re going. I was thrilled to be about to get a call from my manager and reconnect and talk about scheduling and when I can come back (and see all my friends in person). This time the mood was much more sorrowful. I was still because the emotional exhaustion translates to physical exhaustion. I cried. But on the positive side, I did complete another life goal…taking a picture of this house…

20170828_100328.jpg

 Yeah, the front of that house is painted “blessed us he who comes in the name of the Lord.” Aside from how that reminds me of the donut man, I think that is really awesome. I’d I were talented, I’d love to have that painted on my house someday.

Speaking of driving, I think I’ve driven more miles in the past two months than I usually drive in like a year…and I don’t even usually drive to work or really anywhere except back and forth from my parents house to my apartment. I walk to the grocery store and almost everywhere else…except the gas station. I almost did that one day before realizing I couldn’t fill a car with gas from across town…but you know what, I am thankful that I have a car that gets me from point a to point b. I was just thinking about how everyday life is very doable without a car, but I can’t even imagine in some extenuating circumstances how difficult not having a car could be…yet people do it. (Though, mostly people who are a lot bolder than I am and don’t worry so much about burdening people by asking for help when it could make things easier).

I am very sad about losing my pediatric job. That has been hard, but I am so glad that I am getting used to the hurt. I think it is a definite sign of some healing from the grief that I am back to eating pretty normally again already, and so far anyway, I haven’t yet cried today! Score! That is not to say it doesn’t so hurt, but just that God is good and had provided some of the healing relief I needed so badly.

Also, God can be funny sometimes. I love how he is always working in such weird ways. I have now met two people in non-threatening friendship-inviting ways that are planning on becoming some type of counselor type person. I guess God knew that I maybe never was going to break the skepticism of people in that field by my attempts at exposure. It was always going to be too much. Instead, God seems to be sending people to me in a lot more manageable way that feels almost positive rather than terrifying. That is such a blessing.

Also, I just looked out the window and I can see the moon even though it is still bright and sunny. And also, here are links to two blog posts that are super awesome and I can’t remember exactly why I copied them here…so there’s that… Pretty sure the first one is about how it is okay to be hurting and need help and the second one is about learning to let go.

http://www.incourage.me/2017/08/youre-drowning-honest-motherhood.html

http://www.incourage.me/2017/08/the-house-that-built-me.html

 So yeah. I’m pretty sure there was a lot me that I wanted to say, but typing a blog post from a phone is a very long process so I’m signing off.

Love y’all.

Sincerely,

Wiggle Worm

Here’s the key to my front door

(You’ve got a home – Christa Wells)

So this week on one of the bible study facebook groups I am in, Holley Gerth (yes, the same Holley Gerth to whom I have looked up for years because she is so incredible) challenged everyone to identify how we are wired.

 

First: energy setting. So the options are one on one, one on few, or one on many. So we started out with a hard one. If you want to actually get me to let you in, your best chance for success is one on one. If you can find the key to unlock the things that I hide away inside, it makes me feel a lot better about myself…so in that way, one on one is great for me. Then there is one on few. As long as they are all people that I feel safe with, this is probably my favorite for more hangout type settings. Because I will be the first to admit that conversation is not where I am gifted, putting me in a group of people who will include me lets me be part of the conversation without ever needing to contribute more than the introductory return of a hello upon joining the group, and even that can be substituted for a smile or just a glance in someone’s direction…and then there is one on many. While for the most part I would label this as very not me, I have to admit that I have an inner desire to be surrounded with the lots and lots of people I love – but I know that while in this fantasy I absolutely love it, in reality even with my sense of inclusion and not wanting to leave anyone out, I know that huge groups of people are something that doesn’t make me feel good. The energy setting is something where if you spend a lot of time in other settings you’ll need to replace your energy, so I think overall I’d have to pick one on few. As much as I absolutely adore and really probably NEED one on one, the fact that one on one necessitates eventually using my words means that eventually it will require a recharge, so one on few is probably my choice…

 

Second: Is your style leading, partnering, or serving? At first I was torn…but after some thought I realized while I do have some strong traits of leadership and some traits of partnering, the way in which I lead and the way in which I partner is by serving. Even when not leading or partnering, I am happiest when I can find a way to serve. If you offer me a chance to help out, you will win your way into my heart.

 

Third: sensing views. Are you external – first looking around and asking how things are going, or internal – first thinking and asking how people are feeling? I think my nickname of Specks makes it pretty clear that I am not external in the sense of looking around. I often miss very obvious things that are right in front of my face because if it isn’t what I am focusing on I am probably not seeing it at all. It is nothing about my vision itself, but is about the way I am wired. On the other hand, I am a very concrete thinker, and am not likely to ask how someone is feeling, rather I will observe and find out what is going on and use those puzzle pieces to identify emotion words. I do the same thing for myself sometimes. So I decided between the two of them that internal is probably dominant because I am using thinking to identify feelings even if I am not directly asking feeling questions…well, I suppose a few times in my life I have asked feeling questions, but I quickly figured out that if I wanted to fit in and be “normal” I couldn’t ask in casual conversation whether people had been mad at me…

 

Next, are you an introvert or an extravert? Another hard one. Behaviorally I fall more into the category of introvert, but I think emotionally I really am primarily an extravert. I do not do well in large groups, but I do a lot better in small groups than completely alone. I long to be with people. I crave community. While I will go hide in a bathroom if I have to in order to escape a very large group after a while, I would actually love if someone else came with me. I don’t REALLY want to be alone in those situations – I just need to be away from the chaos of the large group. I think that is why when I think about being in the hospital I actually associate it with positive things. Sure, the reason you get admitted to the hospital is never a good thing, but although I am always learning in school how awful it is to be in a room with someone always sitting right outside checking if you need anything, that actually sounds pretty awesome to me…not sayin’ just sayin’. Obviously the being sick part would be super un-fun and negate the positives of the situation, but being in the hospital itself wouldn’t be so bad from my perspective. Although it could totally be a problem for me if I were assigned someone whose personality was like having a crowd around. There are some people in the world who in a group of 3-4 make the group feel like it has like 50 people in it, and that is not good for me. Some people say they like something because they can be a part of something bigger…I prefer to be a part of something that might be big but feels small and intimate. Sure, there might be a very large number of people on the welcome team at my church at school, but I am only on a team of about seven-ish people at a time which is a very manageable group.

 

Okay, fifth and last but not least: your sphere of need, practical, emotional, intellectual, or relational. At first I went to emotional, because I do feel drawn to rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep, but after a minute or so more thought, I quickly realized that while this is true, the way in which I do it is more with presence than with mirroring emotion and using my words. So my answer for this one is relational. Presence means a lot to me, and is what I would like to be able to give to other people. Really, it isn’t so much about having the right words to say, but about being there. Me and my friends silently sitting next to each other or working alongside each other is meaningful to me. It doesn’t matter if no words have been exchanged. I want the presence.

 

Also, completely unrelated to Holley’s activity aside from that both are videos, I was watching How to ADHD this morning while making some oatmeal for breakfast. Side note that I do not have a diagnosis of ADHD despite the fact that I have been teased extensively in school about having it. IDK. Sometimes I agree that there is a possibility, but a lot of the time I am not so sure and think perhaps the attention side of it is a lot more related to my anxiety and abuse history than a pure deficit of attention. Anyway, there was something in this particular video that I really related with. The video commented on how people with ADHD (“brains” as How to ADHD refers to them) are often highly sensitive and have low self-confidence. Brains focus in on the negative. For example, a large crowd might be giving a standing ovation, but the brain is so focused in on the one person towards the back who appears to be scowling that he or she hardly notices the rest of the room, and labels the entire experience as a failure. Yes, I can be black and white and make that decision based solely on one detail that may not be indicative of the whole. If my attention is drawn towards the overall picture I may be able to see it, but as I have put it for years, I am a trees girl, so it is really hard for me to find the forest. Brains have an insight that seems to be different from other people. Brains see into people. This means they see the good stuff in people that others miss and that they can make connections that are not apparent to other people. I totally see this in myself, which I think is related to my strengthsquest top 5 strength of developer. I see the teeny tiny eensy weensy bits of good in people and want to help grow those bits of good that no one else sees. On the other side, brains also see the negative more easily and can therefore quickly sense rejection and even tiny bits of unwantedness or annoyance, so brains can be hurt rather easily and accidentally at times. I do sometimes sense that I am unwanted even when I cannot place a finger on exactly what someone did or said that clued me in on this feeling. Like most attributes of people, it is both a blessing and a curse…

 

Lol, and then stemming off from what is going on in Wiggle Worm’s mind…I almost always carry around some form of hand sanitizer with me. It functions a bit like a security blanket. OCD, in some ways, is unpredictable, and to avoid being caught unprepared, I keep hand sanitizer with me in case of crisis. When OCD was at its worst, even hand sanitizer didn’t really take away much fear, but it made life at least a bit more livable. So I continue to carry around hand sanitizer, which sometimes is rather convenient even without any OCD thoughts…but anyway, on occasion I have thoughts like today when I touched a public trash can and wanted to use hand sanitizer. I am not totally sure if this is something that everyone thinks or is a remnant of OCD, but in any case, it led me to thinking that it was probably a good thing that I was having thoughts like this. Being completely unaware or uncaring about germs at all is a possible sign that I am quite far gone emotionally. When my world is falling apart, germs are not likely to get a lot of mind-space. Clearly, getting as far as being upset about germs is not healthy and not something I strive for, but with the turmoil in my life, it seemed like a good sign to me that I was able to be just a bit worried and have something to think about yet not something that consumed my mind. Just knowing my hand sanitizer was right there is my pocket was enough for me to happily walk home and wait to wash my hands there.

 

Also, totally unrelated, but today I made 10 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and put them in the freezer. The original plan was the refrigerator but then I was wondering if I could put them in the freezer and remembered the ever popular uncrustables in elementary school and decided that although my sandwiches clearly had a crust that I would put them in the freezer. The real uncrustables might be a little fancier, but I bet the real ones don’t have blackberry jelly with extra crunchy peanut butter as an option.

No Way I Can Get This Start Finished

(Procrastinating–Stellar Kart)

Umm…lol…wanna know why I am laying on the couch watching a video that isn’t even that interesting?

Well, because I know I am no good at interviewing, but I haven’t figured out how to fix that. Being a second year armed with a list of the potential questions I got through it memorizing the answers to each of the questions…I also had months to write and memorize said answers. And cultural heritage was over so it wasn’t like I actually had much of anything to study…(yay for repeating a zillion classes…thanks school…not complaining…but…it’d be really nice to have graduated last year…yes, I do know that promises mean nothing if they are verbal rather than written–just hadn’t figured it out at 18 years old–…not that a written promise will necessarily be honored at school either)

As a sixth year faced with residency interviews there isn’t a list of questions…I mean, I can totally find questions on the internet or whatevs, but there is basically no limit to what I could be asked…and on top of that I have to be able to come up with my own questions to ask.

Wanna know how I tend to handle being overwhelmed? By not knowing where to start and giving up until it feels like an emergency. Luckily being a chronically early person, the idea of emergency starts appearing in enough time that I can totally still get things done…but basically, I am watching a video so I don’t have to figure out how to get ready for an interview…

On the positive side, I pretty much have been promised an interview at two places that I would really really like to be!! On the negative side, it will be happening very soon and have I mentioned that I have absolutely no idea how to interview?? And how in the world am I supposed to have questions when I’ve been friends with a very high percentage of the residents at those two programs and have therefore already had a venue for my questions starting like 6 years ago…hashtag one of the previous residents has also co-precepted me…she’s the one who I will never forget because of what happened the first day I met her…she’s hilarious.

I did have an online interview…which I’m pretty sure that the program that was for gives to every candidate…but umm…it was a good wake-up call that ignoring interviews doesn’t make them go away or make me any better at it. Let’s just say that the computer said the interview would take about 65-80 minutes…I pressed the pause button so many times that it took me around 4 hours…and I almost gave up and made my answer to what is one thing you’d change about yourself that I’d be done with this interview…I was just so done…oh yeah, I started preparing for that interview the morning before I filmed it which was two days before it was due…yep, procrastination is totally my M.O. for a coping mechanism.

And the last words you’ll hear tonight will be ‘I love you.’ Love takes us all of a lifetime to tell

(For he grants sleep to those he loves—Michael Card)

(written at church as an excuse to stay where I feel loved a little longer…posted at home after using the drive time to make sure I wasn’t posting something that was going to get me into trouble later)

I’m not as think as you dumb I am…lol

So last night I wrote on my to do list, “directions.” This morning I saw that and was like no problem, I totally know where I am going, I probably just was super tired and needed to remind myself to bring my directions notebook to my car in case I need it.

Lol, story of my life, as it turns out, I remembered why that was on my list about the same time that I noticed the “road closed” sign. Oh no…so yeah…and that is how I got lost…and how I ended up running down the sidewalks as I realized that I had parked a mile away from where I was currently sitting and could not apparate into the drivers seat…

Luckily, I miscalculated how long it took to get to church from where I was parked, and it worked out. All is well that ends well.

Except, now I should leave church, but leaving is hard because I have friends Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday, but Sunday and Monday and Wednesday and Friday I am alone. I know that changes starting tomorrow, but that is more stressful than a relief of stress, because I tried really hard to be an adventurous eater, but the most adventurous I got was mandarin oranges. And even that was still a challenge as of last week when I was eating them not to cringe each time one went in my mouth.

And then in a week I will be driving to another state where there aren’t any days that I have friends.

I get to have a million friends here at church, and I never want to leave, because I go home to no friends.

In the past, I was still going home alone but it was a needed break after having friend time all day 6 days of the week and I was totally ready to go home and have Sunday all to myself. But then I became a big girl who doesn’t spend all her time at school anymore. I don’t like the real world. Actually, I probably do like the real world—I don’t like moving every five weeks and therefore not having friends at the place I spend most of my time. I miss going to work in the morning and having a million friends there and stuff.

Finally, two quotes that have been sitting on my list of ideas for a while.

“It’s like being on the 100th floor of a building with only stairs and needing to sign an important document. The problem is, all the pens are on the first floor. You know you need a pen, and you know how to use one, but when you’re up at the top, it’s difficult for you the access the pen and therefore, the skill of using it.”

I love this quote. I can’t remember where I found it or to what it was originally referring. I love the analogy. It is so true that sometimes I have the skills and knowledge but not the ability to use them. There are a lot of directions I could go with this. I think the biggest one that I run into on an unfortunately somewhat regular basis is in the arena of communication. Because I was a little late to the game in learning these things, a lot of the time I am completely at a loss as to how to handle things that are in that arena. I studied really hard on the mechanistics of conversation, but studying for one, didn’t tell me the details that I really needed, and two, flies out the window when I am faced with a situation that feels over my head, because I can’t really take five minutes working on my “correct response” to a friend’s wave or conversational comment. A lot of the time once the instance of needing to respond right now is over, I know exactly what the right thing to do would have been, but in the moment I was on the 100th floor, and the pen was on the first floor. I didn’t know how to get myself there.

“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

This quote was channeled from Kati Morton youtube’s best online therapist and just a really awesome and caring person whom I would love to meet in person some day…not in the context of therapy, but she is actually awesome enough that I could probably feel safe in therapy with her without a warm up period to make sure she wasn’t another one out to hurt me. She got the quote from Mark Suster who has adult ADHD. And probably child ADHD he just didn’t know about it yet.

Oh yeah. I hate the term damaged people. I just think it sounds kind of derogatory. Damaged things get discounted because they aren’t worth as much—no one will pay full price for damaged goods. The pain in my life doesn’t make me worth any less than anyone else. Being hurt deeply by someone doesn’t mean that I deserved it or was less than in any way. Fighting my way out of severe OCD, and social anxiety that bordered on selective mutism means that I do some things a little differently in life, but different isn’t wrong. Experiencing how people responded to the girl who was often on the sidelines but not often by choice gave me a lot of opportunity to learn how to do the same for others. I might not reach everyone, but I can reach someone. Like that starfish story, I might not be able to make a difference for each of the millions of people who need someone, each one counts. “It made a difference for that one.”

So anyway, the point is, at first I looked at that and was like, what?! As I thought about it, it is true. I totally do know that I can survive. I can’t be destroyed by hurtful words and actions or other adversity because I know I have made it through some pretty tough stuff (things way worse than anxiety disorders). I know I can survive. Bravery isn’t not being scared, it is doing it, scared. Because I know I can, I have developed tenacity and resilience. I still see more trees than forests, but I know when I see the tree that a forest is out there. Lol, speaking of forests and trees, I can recognize first that my rows of straightened chairs have a little zig and zag in them, but I can also recognize that when I walk into church I absolutely do not notice the chairs that aren’t quite straight until I see someone straightening them, because I don’t come to church for the chairs, I come to church for the people and to worship my wonderful Father. Doesn’t mean the church should look like a tornado came through, because in the eyes of a visitor that would probably be super confusing, but also doesn’t mean that I am a failure of a volunteer because I can’t make the chairs look perfect like everyone else does.

Whatever Comes Our Way

(Walking Like Giants–Stars Go Dim)

Pre-tip: if you actually hit post, the whole blogging thing works better…not that I wrote this around lunch time and never hit post or anything…

Also, September 7th was my best day for likes. Yay! It’s the little things.

Here are some tips for life…taken and/or modified from a video on how to use a journal that I just watched. I have no intention of actually using those directions on how to use a journal, because that would probably last all of about 3 days before I quit…cross that out…make that about 18 hours at the most. I tried really hard to use a planner for a long time. It worked really well for a few years. It pretty much stopped working somewhere in the past year and a half-ish when putting things in the calendar kept getting put off too many times to the point I was putting the event or assignment in the calendar right about the time I was supposed to be turning it in and/or getting myself to the event…and because things weren’t necessarily in the planner I stopped really looking at the planner…which meant I was even less likely to put things in it…which led to not getting things into the calendar until they were over…maybe even over for weeks…at which point I eventually gave up and am now 99% calendar free. Calendar free seemed really awesome until I realize I have very little concept of time and something four days away can feel like forever away so I forget about it and suddenly forever away is “I need to be ready in 42.3 seconds!” Or maybe I should have been ready last week. On the other hand, next month feels like 10 minutes from now and I might have next month planned right now…although by the time the time comes the plans will likely either no longer be practical or be completely forgotten. So yeah…giving me ideas on how to use a journal that requires I actually know where it is every day AND open it up to write stuff is probably not that practical…but I do really love the pretend friendship of the person who made the video so I watch it. (See, I am able to differentiate people I don’t know in real life from people who are real life friends…I just choose to think about online people as just as much my friends as the ones I do know in real life. I love having friends, and the more there are the merrier!)

So anyway…

  1. If you force yourself to use a single page for every to-do list for a month you won’t have much space. STOP. You don’t need a bigger page or to write smaller. Your space is limited, because you know what else is limited? Your time! (I thought this was super profound…because on the rare occasions on which I actually make a to do list like I should, I definitely am a culprit of the million-ty item long to do list that there is no way I could possibly complete).
  2. Something that works super awesome when you are hyperfocusing on it (which isn’t really focusing, it is really an inability to effectively switch one’s focus) is not something that is likely to work in every day life. So I have deleted a lot of pictures of my car…that were pretty much a waste of time. See, I had this great idea to take a picture of my car when I got out so I could look at it when I’m ready to leave to find my car again. On the surface this sounds like a rocking awesome idea…in reality, it was an epic fail. See, this relies on a lot of remembering. First, one must remember to take a picture of the car. For this step to work, one must also remember to leave enough time to take said picture, know where one’s phone is, and have remembered an umbrella to protect the phone if it is raining. Next, one must remember that the goal of this picture is not to remember what color the car is or that the car has wheels. That is, the picture must actually identify where the car is. Third, one must remember upon wanting to leave that the picture exists. This tends to be more useful when one remembers prior to getting off the parking garage elevator on four different floors and wandering around for a while on each or before walking three blocks one direction only to remember that the car is parked in the complete opposite direction. Side note that it is actually a time saver sometimes to park where no one else wants to, because you can park in the exact same spot every time and not have to wonder where you may have misplaced your car. On the other hand, if you are already running late, parking in the first available spot that everyone else wants is usually faster in the short term…soo…you might have to pick your battles.
  3. And then something silly that was also in the video: then put your contact information and a promise of a reward on it in case you lose it…but not your address unless you really want it returned. In person. At 3am. Lol…that wouldn’t bother me, but I also do not tend to have the best “safety skills.” Online safety, check, offline safety, umm nahh.

And ADD’s been chasing me all day, wait what did you just say?

(With you—Jamie Grace)

Yeah…although a lot of people have asked me if I have ADHD, or otherwise hinted at it, I still either don’t have it or am living in blissful ignorance. As far as I know, I do not have it…but I do admit that I have attention issues…attention issues does not equal ADHD in a 1:1 ratio in my opinion…but I did watch a video on ADHD and laughed super hard on Saturday…”if you interrupt people, give yourself a point, if you interrupt yourself, give yourself 3 points, if you don’t interrupt people but you don’t wait until they finish talking to say what you are thinking before you forget, give yourself 10 points” “If you have over 100 points and are still watching this video, give yourself 500 points”…I also watched a video on why fidgeting is good…and I was obvi fidgeting while watching the video…and over the course of a 3-minute video, I fell off of my chair twice…and therefore determined that actually fidgeting is bad…on the positive side, I didn’t knock the desk over on top of myself, so there is that…yeah…I did decide that after the last student left my tutoring session I could watch videos until the time was up because I was too tired to study…

Oh my…I have had issues with numbers for as long as I can remember, but I have always been able to hide it because I worked hard enough that I got enough right answers that my issues weren’t obvious based on sheer numbers of wrong answers. My parents often checked my work, which meant that the teachers never had to know that 256 became 526 halfway through my problem on the first attempt because I did all the work in my head and didn’t stop to check what number was supposed to be there instead relying on my memory and making my best guess if I didn’t remember with certainty. That is also how I almost ended up in special ed math in middle school because I did so poorly on the math part of fifth grade standardized testing. See, there was a choice for none of these, and I picked that one too much…hand-scoring picked up on that and proved I needed to slow down when I was working, not slow down the material…I was also the girl who refused to sit down and read until my parents found me with a book a few levels ahead of the one I was supposed to be reading…I wasn’t disinterested, I was just bored out of my mind and didn’t yet have the discipline to sit still and do what I was asked when I was so bored.

Until the past few years, however, I cannot remember ever having any issues with letters. Now, it seems that if I am not concentrating, letters end up backwards and/or upside down…it is super frustrating with d, b, p, q, and g, which when going fast, can all look identical if they face the wrong way…it is also super frustrating when you are trying to doodle out a word art and realize that the nice bold black letter you just finished coloring in is backwards. I know it is an attention issue and not an intelligence issue, because I definitely know what direction the letters go, and I definitely can write my letters the right direction. They only end up wrong when I am tired or stressed out or otherwise just not paying enough attention to what my hands are doing.

I kind of wonder if it has to do with my infancy…I know, that sounds super weird…but I was reading an article yesterday about how there is a material in medical tubing that allows the tubing to be flexible. That material is found in very high concentration in children in the hospital, particularly those children with indwelling devices. The levels quickly fall back to normal once all devices are removed, but this study found that when those children grew up they at some point had more attention problems as compared to their peers who had not spent time in the hospital even after attempts at correcting for any attention issues that may have been caused by the illness. I am fairly certain I had some hospital time as an infant…

Yesterday, over the course of more hours than I would like to admit, I got about two slides of like 10 words each read…see, I would decide I was going to read over the powerpoint, so I would get it open and find my place. Right about that time, I would decide I really should be studying EBM so I would close out of powerpoint and spend too much time deciding which part of EBM to study. About the time I chose and opened up my selection I would decide I really should be studying econ and open that up…only to realize that therapeutics is probably more important because my grade is so low in that class, but maybe I should check my email first, and then there was this one thing I wanted to read…and then it cycles over and over again and nothing gets done…well, except for the hour I spent reading about when children with spina bifida should be taught to self-cath rather than having mom or dad do it…yeah, super productive, but really random research topics like that draw me in and I can easily be lost in the web for hours without realizing the passage of time (see…I can pay attention…just not to anything of value)…the only reason I was pulled out sooner this time was because it was getting to be dinner time and my stomach was reminding me to stop what I was doing and eat…and I just happened to only have one tab open at that point so it wasn’t SO hard to tell myself ONE more thing then you are done, because by the time I finished eating I wasn’t hooked anymore because there were once again a million other things competing for my attention.

Also, last night I almost drove off the road, because I notice that my school had lit it up blue like that one building in new york and I was looking at it and really excited and forgot I was driving. Yep…attention is a little bit important when in the drivers seat of a big iron thing…and Saturday night I almost ran into another car because I put the car in reverse instead of drive…oops…

And sometimes I annoy even myself with all the sound effects that I add to my life…which probably has very little to do with attention but a lot to do with that there are a lot of things besides my goldfish-like attention span that annoy me…like how people will stand in front of a no-smoking sign sucking on a cancer stick. Gross. Don’t pollute my breathing air. If you wanna suck butt then go to your car or residence and close the doors and windows so you are only polluting the air that you have to continue to smell and don’t pollute the entire world…also, I hate when there are assigned seats for a test and the person next to me smells so strongly of smoke and BO that I can’t breathe…word to the wise, please shower and put on clean clothing before showing up to school, particularly on exam days…Kthxbai…

All that to say, sometimes I wonder if my friends are right about this whole ADHD thing and meds could fix my problems…but mostly I don’t want to know if that is the case, because I feel like I have enough things to worry about without adding a disorder on top. That might just be the last straw that broke Wiggle Worm’s back. …but anyway, computers solve most of my problems in the real world (Except for driving) so it doesn’t really matter…and I believe someday technology will produce self-driving cars so all I have to do is be physically present…and showing up is one of my strengths. 🙂 There aren’t a lot of things I am good at, but showing up is one of them.

You Won’t Know Until You Try

(Never ever ever give up—Thomas & Friends)

I thought I was ready to focus in class Tuesday. Then a stupid truck with a flashy light on top decided to park in front of the window for the entirety of the class. The truck won. Amount of antibiotic resistance material Wiggle Worm learned: minimal…Amount of time spent looking out the window and watching the light go on and off: umm, well, a lot? I tried really hard to focus, but even if I turned so it wasn’t even in my peripheral vision, I still knew it was there and besides, everyone knows I can’t sit still in class, so it wasn’t that long before I was once again facing the window and therefore was drawn into watching the lights again. Someone please explain to me why anyone thought a building with windows in pretty much every room was a good idea for a school. Also, please explain why the blinds for the windows are 100% see through—what is even the point of that?!?!? Also, people should recognize that I am trying really hard to learn and not do distracting things like have a flashy light right outside the window…sorry, but this is a school, and there are certain things that just aren’t okay at schools…kinda like how some schools send girls home if they forgot that they were supposed to wear clothes they didn’t outgrow ten years ago…

I thought I was totally 100% recovered from an incident last week…until I wasn’t wearing my headphones…It probably isn’t a good idea right now to go into details, but basically last week Tuesday ensured that my week would be from my nightmares. I thought that I was doing totally fine aside from a little frustration from the academic setbacks resulting from the fallout. And, I mean, I was doing REALLY well, but really well does not equal 100% recovery. I thought I was rocking it—I could see BPG* and it was annoying but didn’t really hugely negatively impact my day, and I didn’t feel all my muscles tighten to make me as small as possible (as if this girl who likes vibrant colors could really shrink down and be unseen…lol…literally). Yay! Progress! Until I was not wearing my headphones and heard The Voice…without even the visual I was once again hiding. Luckily, I was doing well enough that it wasn’t a major setback, but it definitely was not comfortable…so I guess we’ll go with that I am 96% recovered from that particular incident. Still, I am thankful for how much better baseline is than it was a year ago, because a year ago I might not have been doing this well even without an incident.

*no, I will not tell you what BPG stands for…trust me, you don’t really want to know…I will throw out there that the B definitely does not stand for the B-word though…I might not always be nice inside my head, but I definitely don’t use swear words to refer to things, because I have a vocabulary of real words.

Annoying is a snow day when I can look and even go outside and see that people are still speeding way too fast outside on the roads and don’t appear to be having any difficulty stopping and turning…well, aside from the fact that about 50% of people seem to have difficulty understanding what those big red octagonal signs are for regardless of the weather…

Speaking of idiotic drivers, yesterday someone WATCHED me make a three point turn so that I could park behind them…and then got back in her car and scooted back so that there was a space precisely the size of my car behind her (which obviously means I wasn’t going to be able to get into it), and a space just slightly smaller than my car in front of her. Oh my…if I hadn’t been busy turning around to look again for a place to leave my big iron thing, I would have given her a piece of my mind…so it is good that I was busy, because my mind is valuable, so I shouldn’t be giving it away to undeserving people 🙂

Also, I really appreciate that school no longer waits until everyone is seated in class to cancel classes for the day—that is super obnoxious and something they did repeatedly a few years ago…but it would be nice if they could cancel it before I pack my back pack and lunch box and walk out the door. I did check my email as soon as I got up AND before I finished packing up…luckily, my mom saw the email immediately when it was sent and texted me so I got the memo prior to arriving at school and potentially discovering a half-full water bottle without any way to fill it up on my own…which meant a detour to the lobby to turn in homework, send emails, and finish this post before throwing everything from my backpack onto my bed to have a do-over on today’s plans…frustrated, but All Things…

10-year V-v-v-v-v-veterans serving up the medicine

(Loud’n’Clear—TobyMac)

 

I got an email a couple days ago with the subject line of: silence kills so we speak. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. The actual email wasn’t so exciting, but I so agree with the sentiment in the subject line. Silence is the worstest thing ever. There are two reasons. 1. Like the video I have pinned on pinterest elucidates, being excluded hurts just as much as being physically and verbally bullied if not more because no one can really see how you are being mistreated. 2. Shame breeds in silence and silence drives away connection. The very worst thing for someone who has experienced something difficult is to be unable to talk about it. Words are powerful and by association, lack of words is similarly powerful.

 

Thank you guys! I reached 50 likes this week! IDK if that is a current prevalence estimate or an incidence (that is, whether it includes people who clicked like and then unliked a post, or if it only includes people who actually currently like one of my posts), but either way that was kind of exciting! My stats stopped being useful back in June/July 2014 when a bunch of views was really more likely to mean one particular group of people were looking for anything they could twist than that there were really people liking what I was writing, but I feel that likes are a more reliable way of measuring if I am having an impact, because I read a LOT of blog posts, but I click like on very few of them. (although I also don’t go looking for posts I won’t like…unless you count the germ stories I compulsively read when struggling)…

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I am really proud of this ice cream cup. It turned out so pretty (well at least until I dropped the plastic bag I was carrying it in a few times on the way out the door this morning). It still wasn’t too messed up at lunch time though as you can see…haha, not pictured: the mess of drips on my kitchen counter involved in creating this particular bowl of ice cream with pretzel flavored magic shell on top…magic shell does not harden on the kitchen counter…

 

Today (Tuesday) I took a field trip to stupid new building to get my quizzes both to find out what my score was and to make sure I was doing the problems in such a way as to earn points…I came back without a quiz, but I wouldn’t say it was completely a failure, because I did come back with cake with Christmas tree sprinkles on it in my stomach…right after I re-listened to the video about how sugar and carbohydrates are the enemies of concentration…but how could I possibly say no to cake?! Someday I’ll get my quizzes…and even if I get a D in all my classes I’ll still eventually become a pharmacist even if I can’t get my ideal job, I still have my whole life ahead of me and can work my way up to where I really wanna be…

 

It’s one of those weeks where I really don’t have time for a bunch of extra things even like my favorite Bible study…which basically means that I really need to make the time, because if I am going to lose study time, I’d rather lose it to something that makes me happy than to an OCD flare.

 

One of my aunts called with a medicine question. I really like playing pharmacist…except, I am one of those people who prefer not to hurt anyone’s feelings…which makes it hard when someone wants to argue over whether a particular disease actually exists…Do I believe it is real? Yes. Do I believe that it is often over-medicated or over-diagnosed? Yes. But do I want to tell you that I disagree with your opinion that this is a made-up disorder? No way…the drug-info I am very happy to impart, but I’ll leave you to make your own decision on whether or not the disorder exists…

 

This rocks my socks: http://www.today.com/parents/university-president-blasts-students-being-too-sensitive-not-daycare-t58811 . True that! Are there some things that are true injustices on college campuses? Yes, but do people freak out at things that are completely fine? Also, definitely yes. Like the blog I wrote for a project first year said, blessed are the flexible for they will not be broken in two. I can’t remember what the point of that statement was in the project, but I know that it fits here pretty well…listening to the video I was outraged. Every person deserves respect. Students were screaming at reporters in the video. To the reporters credit, they remained calm and either dusted it off their shoulders and ignored it or calmly responded to the students, but that is completely unacceptable behavior on the part of the students. Another part of the video showed students screaming in the hall of what appears to be an academic building. Also, completely 100% unacceptable. There are acceptable ways to show your positive and negative emotions and screaming is not one of them…unless your child is about to walk into traffic and you need to immediately get their attention…

 

I have a final tomorrow. I hate finals. I really do know stuff right now…but I know that when I am there it is really a roll of the dice whether or not I’ll know it…Story of my life…which is why I try really hard to study to the point that I know my notes inside and out to minimize the chance of forgetting everything…yeah, when I say I know nothing, sometimes that might be true, but more often it means I know the material but not yet to the point I will still know it and be able to recall it fast enough when faced with a big scary exam that makes the downstairs brain kick out the upstairs brain (yes, this is an analogy I learned when I totally wasn’t on pinterest this morning…)