Category Archives: blogging

Just When You’ve Lost the Will to Live You’ll See the Shore

(Drifting – Plumb)

 

As I continue to grieve, some days are definitely a lot harder than usual.

 

Monday was one of those harder days. My guess would be that spending a few hours at my old job Sunday was enough to remind me of what I have had to give up.

 

Grief is like an open wound, making things that should be of minimal consequence seem so painful as to derail my day. I checked my mailbox and had a bill for $435 from my new employer. This is not how working is supposed to work. I was so upset that I immediately started crying and screaming about how much I hated my new job and wanted to quit. I know it would be career suicide to quit at this point, but it doesn’t really seem like that big of a deal when I’m in a position that I like so little with no hope of getting what I really want. There was a simple answer to this problem: call and ask about it, and once I calmed down enough to figure that out and then enough to make the call the problem was solved…the bill was a mistake and they’d delete the charges from my account if I brought the bill to their office…but once I’m that far gone my communication abilities are definitely affected enough that I really didn’t want to go to the office and really didn’t want to have to talk to the receptionist about what I needed. It was another overwhelming hurdle to jump.

 

As my shift started out, it was actually at least a little better than last week – there were at least more than like the same 4 drugs at the exact same doses to verify over and over…but the person I was assigned to work with was not easy to work with. I felt really frustrated and was very ready to leave. There were a lot of issues like getting yelled at over how I sorted my home med list which makes absolutely no difference one way or the other because how I default sort it does not in any way shape or form affect your default sort and if I am comfortable the way I like it then it doesn’t matter…and it wasn’t like this was a good teacher either. Yelling at me that I am doing it wrong isn’t very helpful if when I ask what I’m doing wrong your response is that the dose I’m typing can’t be given…especially when I know for a fact that it can and your protocol that I am working off of also says that this is an appropriate dose. If you always do it differently than the protocol then first, I think the protocol should be changed to reflect that, and second, it would be more helpful to tell me how you always do it than to just tell me I am doing it all wrong. I wish I were a little more bold so I could request someone else to work with instead of just dealing with it. Also, there is one particular protocol that while I am definitely not going to try to change it as the new girl, I definitely do not like it and don’t think it is a very safe practice. I hear in all my pharmacy practice groups that standardization is very important and there should very rarely be more than one concentration made of the same product because it leads to errors. In this hospital, pretty much every single pediatric dose of certain antibiotics is a different concentration. That really scares me because it leads to such a wide opening for errors. Especially in kids it is important to have a standard concentration and they are doing the opposite of that.

 

And of course because it is me, I got lost on the way home from work…I live about a mile away, but I didn’t get home until almost midnight…I understand random other people still awake that late not stopping to get my attention and ask if I need anything – I know I learned somewhere that you are supposed to be careful because single girls could be bait to attract you so bad guys can hurt you…but I would have thought that a police officer would notice a very obviously lost girl and at least ask if she wanted help…and I was desperate enough at that point I would have said yes…but nope, saw me, turned around, and went the other way…I miss the city I went to school in. It is questionable whether it is actually a safer place to wander or not, but there are a lot more street lights and a lot fewer trees which makes it FEEL a whole lot safer and less scary. Also, people there are super friendly and I am 98% certain that I had I been wandering around there SOMEONE would have said something to me. I was always so amazed how friendly people are there. You can walk through a neighborhood and people you have never before seen in your life will wave and say hello or people driving with their windows down will say hello to people on the sidewalk.

 

And in the process of not being fully unpacked, I realized I had no idea where my passport was. I opened every box looking for it before remembering that a signed credit card is an acceptable substitute (something that still boggles my mind…) and switching my attention towards finding something that will write on the back of my credit card…clearly though I finished that and then thought of a few more places to look and finally found the passport…

 

And I seem to lose a sock every time I do laundry and this week it was one of my favorites that didn’t come back out of the wash. I wish I knew where these socks went because I had the socks paired up in the laundry basket, brought the basket over to the laundry closet, put everything in, moved everything to the dryer, and then took everything out and put it away and so there really isn’t anywhere they could go except into thin air…

I’m holding on. Minute by minute. It’s so hard.

 

Totally unrelated, but I take the NAPLEX Friday and IDK if I am ready.

The best laid plans can go upside down if that’s lady luck’s intent

 

(Accidents Happen – Thomas and Friends)

 

Things don’t always go how they go inside my head.

 

I was going to do a video with a teacher…instead I got pulled into a meeting about background checks and discovered that it is finally going to be a lot less expensive for students now than it has been for me. Then I got pulled into helping with looking through preceptor of the year awards.

 

I got out of my last event of the day super early and I had the great idea that I would go swing on a swingset….umm…yeah…it was thunderstorming and I didn’t get very far on my way to my car before I realized swinging in a thunderstorm was a Very Bad Idea.

 

So instead I decided to go find someone to talk to…except everyone was busy…

 

It is easy to forget me…especially when I never made it known I needed anything…

 

But some things do go right. Sometimes God answers prayer with yes. There was a garbage truck that happened to turn onto the road in front of me. Oh c**p oh c**p oh c**p are the last words coming out of my mouth before trying to hold my breath as long as possible…then I forced myself to breathe while thinking about if there was anywhere I could get some bleach and clean myself and all my things. And I was frustrated because clearly if I can barely touch the steering wheel while I drive because everything is contaminated then eating is going to be super difficult…so I did the only thing left to do. I prayed my heart out the rest of the way to school…usually I’m also singing myself songs (usually inside my head…), but not today, and shortly after getting to school I was actually doing okay again!! Maybe I don’t have a job and I’m still alive because I’m not a good enough Christian.

 

I’ve been listening to the book “In the Water they can’t see you cry.” As a former swimmer and loving the title SO much, it was totally worth the fact that it was like 10 hours long. Amanda Beard was the topic of my french paper in seventh grade. I was a little disappointed at first because the book wasn’t like I thought it would be, but it actually is pretty good. It is so familiar that I feel like I’ve read it before in like actual words, but I’m pretty sure based on the publication date that I haven’t read it before…I suppose there is probably a good chance that the majority of the story I read from the Splash magazines a little at a time. I read those things religiously cover to cover until they stopped coming. Anyway, I am so glad I read the book this week. It was something I could totally connect with. Someone else who had very similar problems to my own and experienced it similarly…and she got through it and ended up with a BABY!! Mostly it was just me having someone to commiserate with who wasn’t going to be overwhelmed or anything seeing as how it was only a person on a recording, but there were tiny bits of hope that if she could do it maybe I could too.

 

Sometimes life is frustrating. I wanted to go to yoga today. I had lab until 6:30, so even worst case scenario I’d make it to the second half. Then the teacher for the class I had before lab said unless I wanted to be in class that I might as well leave because there wasn’t going to be anything useful for me in class. I took that invitation and left. I probably should have done something useful with my life, but instead I went on a walk…a five-mile walk. Yeah…that was stupid. And that is why I am unable to go to yoga. I don’t think it is safe for me to be there. Either it will be slow stretching yoga in which case I will be tempted to pretend I am totally able to do what everyone else seemingly can and intentionally do things that will leave me in physical pain to drown some of the emotional pain, or it will be some type of fitness yoga that will similarly be bad for me because I really shouldn’t be doing anything that is going to burn extra calories when I am trying to gain weight…especially seeing as how I am already having trouble with my dinner today. I was super efficient in lab moving people around and grading papers and alphabetizing at top speed so that I’d have plenty of time and I was pretty proud of myself for finishing at 5pm. But then I realized that it wasn’t a good idea to go to yoga. But I also couldn’t go home. I already said I wasn’t going to be home for dinner and it is always awkward when I say that then show up at home…especially because a lot of times dinner when I’m not there is fish and so people feel bad that I can’t eat with them, because that is one of the things they are aware that I do not eat. Besides, I had enough food for two meals in my lunch box and extra snacks in my car. So I started getting dinner ready, but I didn’t really want to eat it. So I went to my happy place so that I wouldn’t be tempted to show up to show up at yoga. Now I am trying really hard to finish dinner. It is frustrating, because I feel like I should be over this by now. But I’m still struggling. How long does this last? I’m tired of holding on.

 

Umm yeah…so we’ll just end with some good lyrics:

“When does a scar become a tattoo? When does the sky turn back to blue? When will this heart that’s broken and bleeding beat again? When do I stop feeling this burn? When will it stop? When will I learn?…I’m right here, standing in the pouring rain; tick tock hours all feel the same.” (Say your name – Plumb)

Like a Blaze I Can’t Contain

(Krystal Meyers – Fire)

 

So, umm, yeah…this might be the dumbest thing I ever did in my whole life (wild exaggeration). So I accidentally set a metaphorical fire last week. It was an accident. Stupid words came out of my mouth that I didn’t intend to say…

 

And then it blew up in my face today…and because I was scared I pretty much just shot the messenger. Now instead of one fire I have two; the original oops and then the breaking of the messenger’s relationship.

 

So yeah…I left school ready to do homework and got home and very quickly was pulled into firefighting mode for the next three hours…and no homework got done.

 

On the positive side, although I did stay up late sending texts, the result was that both fires were put out and the train is back on the tracks…lol…and I think everyone has learned a lesson…don’t break news to Wiggle Worm via text in the afternoon if there is a possibility of the meaning being misinterpreted into a terrifying scenario that she feels like needs to immediately fixed…and for me, get all the information BEFORE you freak out and assume the worst…

 

So to keep from setting anymore metaphorical fires I’m just gonna share random lyrics that I like, because I am pretty sure there is no way that can get me in trouble or anything…

 

To go on living when all you’ve lived for is gone…this is the Courage to make a light

(Superchick – 5 minutes at a time)

This song is really encouraging and has gotten a lot of listens in my life…unfortunately.

 

We learn how to identify and correctly label other people’s sick neurotic pathetic behavior…what does this prove? The rats are totally insane!

(Psychology 101 – Ten Minute University)

I adore ten-minute university, and this is probably my favorite lecture. All the lectures are good, but this one makes me smile the most. Like seriously, if you haven’t heard it you need to. It is hilarious with zero knowledge of psychology, but once you know some psychology the humor level goes up like a million fold.

 

You’ll stand through the pain. You won’t drown.

(Stand in the Rain – Superchic[k])

Good reminder.

 

My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word, and I can’t seem to remember anything I’ve learned

(Sleep – Plumb)

This one is a good crying song if I’m not already crying but am in a safe place to cry. I lean towards sensory seeking to numb out so a slow song takes away some of the sensory stimulation which lets the tears pour down my face.

 

Are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls to hide our weakness and smiles to hide our pain? But the invitation’s open to any heart that has been broken…is there anyone who fails? Is there anyone who falls? Am I the only one in church today feeling so small?

(Stained Glass Masquerade – Casting Crowns)

This is another oldy but goody…mostly I hate music without words, but this song is so pretty that I might even be happy with this song without the words…and that is saying a lot because usually the words are the part of the song that matters to me.

 

I could keep going, but as mentioned above, my homework needs to get done…

Try to put the pieces together

(Free to be Me – Francesca Battistelli)

That title seemed fitting because this post is a bunch of random thoughts that don’t really fit together…but writing even just seemingly random thoughts helps clear my brain space to be able to think logically enough and sit still enough to write more than three words without getting distracted and doing something else in the middle…it helps a lot in coherency of my homework.

This is good because as I worked on my homework this morning it is extremely obvious that I am a morning person and also which parts I worked on in the morning versus later in the day…the questions, answers and explanations make sense and then suddenly partway through the page the grammar and logic seem to just vaporize and disappear…

I think I finally put into words the lesson I learned through the issues at school: Just because hurt people hurt people doesn’t mean that loved people love people. I can’t love people out of hurting me. I shouldn’t protect people who are hurting me to create a safe place so that they’ll be nice. It won’t work. But I still feel the guilt and shame that I should have been able to fix it. I mean, yeah, in retrospect I should have stopped loving and started tattling and gotten out of the relationship, but the fact that I care too much about protecting that person to create a no doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. It just means that as an adolescent with a not fully developed brain I didn’t yet have the capacity to fix it myself nor did I have the capacity to share enough hints that the other adults in the situation had enough to have reasonably figured out what was happening…if I hadn’t been the unpaid secretary helping students when they were super frustrated maybe someone would have gone to someone who could have changed things. So maybe it is my fault that this still happens. Okay, time for this paragraph to shut up because clearly I am not able to write about this AND be nice to myself…

Sometimes you just know what you need is a break in a safe place. I tried that at lunch time on Friday and couldn’t find it…got close until the person whose office and company I was borrowing realized she had something she really needed to do…and so I left to go have lunch even though I was having a rough day and food was sounding like too much. Success: I ate lunch. Fail: and then I tried to do homework but never actually got it all the way out because I started crying and ended up spending the rest of my 2.5 hours lunch break trying to calm down and compose myself to be able to go to class.

I made it to class. I should have been more focused but just being there was the level of energy I had to give right then. I knew that it was time when class was over to take some time for myself…I went to the place I have always run (well, always driven) for a sense of safety and due to the fact that I don’t want certain people to know where I go and follow me there thus taking away my hideout, I am going to refrain from mentioning where said place is…plenty of people probably have a pretty good guess, but right now I am worried about being found and having nowhere so I ain’t makin’ it easy. In reality, the person I am worried about has actually been pretty respectful recently, but I can’t afford to take chances. Usually I go sit in a chair or on a swing, or my first week back in this state I went and walked around the block to create distraction to make it easier to meet my water goals, but today even walking as far as a chair seemed overwhelming, so I sat down in the back of my car, turned on Spotify, and took a short nap. When I woke up the world wasn’t beautiful or anything, but at least I felt a little less pressed into a pancake. I then did feel like I could go to the swing and sit and release some energy. It was good…until I had to get back in the car and go home and I barely made it five blocks before I hit traffic and undid all the unwinding I’d just done.

Oh, you know, just napping in the back of the car…

But luckily once I got home things went pretty well. I intended to finish some homework tonight since I am feeling very much like the hurrier I go the behinder I get…so both of my major projects are barely started and both of my projects are due Tuesday…instead I had a delicious dinner and somehow my mouth kept saying yes I would like more thank you and I actually ended up finishing the day with a complete calorie load despite the jolly rancher subbing in for part of breakfast and the struggle to get through lunch…and then I learned about Passover since that is happening this weekend, and I learned about grieving and some other stuff in Judaism. I will admit that this non-change-loving girl is a little nervous about her first Passover celebration, but she is also excited to be learning…and is happy to do anything that makes her little six and a half year old buddy happy.

Also on like Thursday-ish…The awkward moment of checking your phone between classes to see a text “are you coming to the wedding this weekend?” Umm…crap…I forgot that I said I might do that…I legitimately have too much homework to make that even a remote possibility, but I really should have at least remembered enough to have said that I wasn’t going without being asked…

I’ve never been to a wedding before, and it doesn’t really seem that exciting to me. I’ve been to a funeral and both are pretty much the same thing as far as I’m concerned. Something is changing for eternity and therefore we will all get dressed up and sit still while someone reads the same Bible passage as always and some people walk around. Then we will eat. It is really only the and then we will eat part that has any interest points for me.

Also, I have the most amazingest friends ever. You should be jealous…actually you shouldn’t, because that is a sin…but you should totally find friends as awesome as mine.

Also, I’m kinda nervous about my first Passover celebration tomorrow. But damaged people are powerful. They know they can SURVIVE!

Yeah this year was hard but a lot went right so we’re in our yard singing silent night because all is calm and ’cause all is right when you end the year singing silent night.

(Holderni Christmas 2016)

 

I heard this song a few days ago and loved it because it is so true. This year and really a lot of the past years have been really hard, but in the midst of the chaos and stress, there totally were things going right. I have met some awesome people that I might not have met without the struggles that pushed me to reach out.

 

Sure, school is not really a good place for me to be, but because I will already be in town for the last rotation block (and at school), I have a good reason not to live in the res hall the last week before graduation…sure, it’s free, but safety is something without a price tag, and I’m pretty sure I’d rather drive back and forth and stay somewhere else even if it is a significant time/money/effort commitment, because driving back and forth to school is likely less stressful than being trapped on campus would be.

 

Anyway, check out the before, during, and after pictures of the car wash. Yes, I did go to the expensive car wash…my mom told me to, and I try to obey…and besides, I figure I don’t spend much money on myself, so it is okay to splurge once in a while…

20161220_110934
during

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Totally unrelated, but today my water bottle leaked in my lunch box…I mean, it always leaks, but today about half of the water was not longer contained in the bottle. It is approximately a 3-cup water bottle. My phone, wallet/keys, paper towels, and everything else in my lunchbox was dripping…including the candy in my lunchbox. There were some jolly ranchers in there…let’s just say that I’ve never really liked the idea of candy wrappers that don’t actually seal due to the germ component, but this is another reason that non-sealing candy wrappers are frustrating…now everything from my lunchbox is sticky from dissolved jolly rancher…on the positive side, my phone has never smelled so delicious!

Caught up in the halls of introspection

(House of Mirrors- Tenth Avenue North)

Can I just say that I adore children…except for when one of them decides my toothbrush is awesome and plays with it…Kids outside of an elementary school setting have never been a germ problem for me—even in situations it probably isn’t very safe I am happy to share with kids…and right now I am at a place where it is relatively hard to ruffle my germ feathers even though I always live life with a little bit of protection just in case to soften the fall if anything does happen. I will say though that someone playing with my toothbrush went pretty close to the zone of not okay with me. It’s a good thing she’s cute…and that it didn’t actually go in her mouth.

I think I finally identified what it is that bothers me so much about people bashing Trump…see, I knew there was more to it than just that people were being incredibly rude, because while I reacted to people bashing Hillary, internally I reacted more to Trump bashing. The difference is that the core complaint hits a little too close to home. The difference is that the main thing people seem to complain about is that he isn’t the greatest speaker (okay, that might have been putting it a bit too softly…he is a lousy public speaker). I get that he isn’t eloquent, but there are worse things at which to be lousy. TBH, it is my opinion that it doesn’t take eloquence to run a country. I, too, am not eloquent, not a good speaker. If I were judged solely on my social communication skills, people would probably have a lot of fuel for bashing me, too. Yes, I did tell someone a few months ago “maybe you should dance by yourself.” It was intended to be a positive comment, and you can probably tell that it doesn’t sound so positive when spoken. I do say a lot of dumb things when I don’t think before I start talking. The point I was trying to convey is easy to ignore, instead making fun of the way I expressed my opinion. I am lucky enough to be able to usually surround myself with people who will clarify and take a moment to understand what I am trying to say, and to not be surrounded by the media. Everyone has flaws, and not being well-spoken doesn’t make me or Trump a bad person. It just takes a little bit of being polite and listening to understand our hearts. Am I saying that I agree with every one of Trump’s policies? No, I am not, and I do not. (Note that I also do not agree with all of Hillary’s policies or all of Gary’s policies. They each had policies I liked as well as policies I disliked). I didn’t vote, and I can honestly say that the more I looked into the issues, the more the decision of the “best” candidate for presidency as well as the “best” candidate for whom to vote became foggy. I know I’ve talked about a few of the issues already, but based on the hate-speech I am still hearing about the candidates, I think further sharing of my opinion is probably not a prudent choice at this time. Like I heard on the radio one day, America desperately needed change and change is what we got. Regardless of the candidate filling the White House next year, it was going to be a change. Only time will tell exactly what that change will be. Because we are adults, we can show respect to our leader without agreeing with every one of their opinions.

Have you ever been spontaneously invited into the middle of a party and not known how to escape when it is almost midnight and you usually go to bed at 9? Yeah, that happened. It was probably good because I realized about the time I got in my car that I hadn’t made very good nutrition choices all day…hmm: cheerios for breakfast, noodles bread chips and skittles for lunch, crackers and cookies for dinner…what’s missing? Parties aren’t really the best for me getting nutrition in either, but I did at least add some protein to that list. I just had a little hard time trying to figure out how to excuse myself to go to bed. Like I unsuccessfully tried to explain to someone first year, knowing potential words to say and watching interactions has never really been enough in some areas of communication to pick up on the skills I need, because there are some situations that are just seem so different every single time that I can’t figure out how to properly imitate them or modify them to meet my needs. Leaving a conversation is one of those areas…and it is a problem both in person and on the phone. It is one that I really need to figure out though, because being at a party until almost midnight isn’t good when I have a ton of homework I really need to be doing…and sleep I really need to be getting…I was really proud of myself for staying in bed until almost six, but when I was most definitely awake by 3, it just isn’t quite enough. I have been trying to do homework but ending up staring at the screen or at my paper in a half asleep daze…so tired…

Speaking of nutritional choices…it was becoming obvious there was a problem right about the time I got in my car to go home. I knew the gas light had been on for a while. I knew the closest gas station was the opposite direction as home. I knew I had 10 miles left before completely empty. I went around the block to go to that closest gas station…then immediately realized that the closest one in the direction I actually needed to be heading to get home was definitely within 10 miles…so instead of turning left with a light like I could have done, I ended up turning left onto a busy road without a light…yep, I am an idiot sometimes. I did make it to the gas station without running out or getting lost…and then promptly drove past another gas station I totally could have made it to that was selling the gas for 20 cents cheaper per gallon…you can’t be picky when you live about 15 miles from church and are forgetful (and/or lazy) about keeping your car full of gas…especially when you are directionally challenged and never really know how far you’ll actually end up going in the process of getting from point A to point B. (Lol, people think when I am willing to try going somewhere myself that I must know what I’m doing—in reality, I have just gotten really comfortable with being super lost). Yeah, there are a lot of things about myself I would change if I could, but sometimes those same things can be positive. There’s always two sides to every coin, you just have to flip it over. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_hK6YG3jjI )

I had another paragraph written. I deleted it because it was probably going to offend someone. You’re welcome.

every little thing

(Giants Fall—francesca battistelli)

Sometimes you just gotta take a weekend to relax and be stupid…So…the house I am in has completely separate heating and cooling systems…which means if I am messing around and turn the heat one way up but leave the cooling one alone it’ll get really warm by my bed against where the heat comes out in my room, and most of the house’ll stay pretty much the same temperature, but the bathroom and kitchen where there are no heat vents will be freezing because the cooling will be going crazy trying to keep up with the heat. Yeah…someone designed this house so there is cooling in every room, but heat only in the bedrooms and living room.

Today is apparently my WordPress anniversary…wordpress alerted me to that about an hour and a half ago…I feel like I should celebrate or something…too tired though…plus, I’ve been stuffing my face with snacks and candy and stuff all day trying to stay awake and hold myself over until meal times and really the only way I know how to celebrate is to shove good food in my face…

Have I mentioned how much I hate daylight savings…see, the clock said three, but my stomach said 5 and therefore way past time to eat, so I had a ridiculous amount of snacks and candy trying to wait until a more normal time to eat…also since staying up late is super hard for me, it means that the transition is really hard, because while I don’t bother changing my schedule much when I change time zones, I do for daylight savings since for one, it lasts half a year, and for two, it is hard enough to adapt to a world of night owls as an early bird without becoming an even earlier bird. Going to bed at 7 and getting up at 3 doesn’t work in the real world, and even once I leave this time zone, going to bed at 8 and getting up at 4 isn’t a long term solution—especially considering how many events I already attend that keep me up late. So anyway, even though I am over-tired and crabby for a while, it is better in the longterm for now to change with the clock…just sayin’ that I didn’t sign up to vote this year, and even if I had I wouldn’t be voting for Hillary or Trump, because both of them seem kinda wacked out, (Gary Johnson would have been my vote because he at least is pretty normal and since he doesn’t really have much of a partisan backing he won’t be able to do anything unless it is actually a good idea). If one of them was going to get rid of all these dumb clock changes though, I would make sure I found a way to vote. I hate losing an hour in the spring because I feel cheated out of my study time, but in all honestly, I probably lose more than an hour in the fall because it is so hard for me to adjust to staying up an extra hour later. Actually, I don’t “probably” lose more than an hour, I definitely lose more than an hour. I tried to make the change Saturday night instead of Sunday morning in hopes of being at least marginally more adjusted and less exhausted by Monday, and because I do so poorly with staying up late, I used up most if not all of the hour this morning attempting to sleep in because I was too tired to get up…I still wake up way too early, but now it is even longer to wait before it is a normal waking time…not fun…and since I need about three times as long or so in the morning to make up for staying up late, that is even longer to wait…whoever invented all these clock changes was an idiot.

Anyway, I was reading the back of a bottle of sanitizer and there was a warning that if used on the floor it might be slippery while wet…hahaha…no kidding…

Also, the song “wouldn’t want me” by the wonderful Stephanie Pauline has been on my mind. Such powerful imagery. Also, I drew a really awesome picture of a park bench on my church bulletin this morning. I was really proud of myself and am considering whether I should cut it out and put it in my journal 🙂

I could tell she’d been a beauty as far as beauties go, long before the light had ever left her soul

Hey! Do you want to go to heaven? Do you want to be set free?

She just looked at me and said with a smile, God wouldn’t want me. She thought, God wouldn’t want me.

Maybe God wants me yet.

The Wind is on Your Side

(Little Arrow–Stephanie Pauline)

Since yesterday’s post which I posted this morning was kind of negative, I thought I should probably make sure to post something a little more positive today.

I am doing so much better. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were not wonderful days, but I made it, and am on the other side. In reality, compared to how bad things got a few years ago, that was hardly bad at all—reflection is a good reminder of how far I’ve come. Yeah, they definitely weren’t good days, but they were a lot better than they could have been.

Today I did just fine. Did I use bottled water to wash my hands despite that supposedly being safe? Umm yeah, but it makes no sense to me if I am going to eat with my hands why it is okay to eat with hands that were washed with tap water if it wasn’t okay to eat with a spoon that was washed with tap water…not sayin’, just sayin’. Is it a waste of bottled water? Umm probably, but I needed to hurry up and get my bottom out the door, and over-analyzing the situation wasn’t going to benefit anyone much. It is one of those situations where you just have to realize that your sanity and/or time is worth more than the couple bucks that you supposedly wasted, so it isn’t really wasted.

I woke up plenty early…’cause that’s what I’m good at, but my problem is the actually getting up part. In today’s case, I was very much aware of what time it was but had no desire to get up, because I was tired. My body seems to think that sleep only counts if it is had prior to 5am…so I am exhausted and plan to go to bed early tonight if I can get enough done to feel comfortable with where things stand despite not getting up until 6:30. This is why I avoid staying up late if it is practical. Getting up at 6:30 meant that the entire morning was a race to get everything ready to go for the day, especially since last night I pretty much just got home and collapsed in bed so my stuff was in so semblance of ready for the day or anything.

I won the race and made it to my rotation just in time. Well, actually, I arrived in the parking lot 15 minutes early, but by the time I started walking towards the building, realized I hadn’t locked my car, turned around to go back and lock it, then returned to walking to the building, I arrived in the pharmacy just barely right on time. Luckily my suggested arrival time appeared to assume I would be late, so I still had like 15 minutes to put up yesterday’s post, find a pencil, and spin in my chair a few times waiting for something to do.

So far this rotation, I am learning about patience and trying really hard to sit still for extended periods of time. Good lessons I suppose. I think if I can focus long enough I will be able to enjoy this rotation. I am a little nervous because I have no idea what kind of projects I am going to be working on, and, it seems, neither does my preceptor. I felt like today when I wasn’t in meetings, it was pretty much like being a volunteer again, but luckily I loved being a volunteer, so even though it was activity that even a monkey could be trained to do, I had a reasonably good time doing it.

I try really hard, but I think I am still coming off as a dumb blonde because my lack of communication skills and lack of ability to sit still combined with the fact that I understand most of what is going on around me and therefore don’t have really profound questions to ask means that while I don’t have much assigned to me yet that I end up pretty much in my own little world.

Aside from my current rotation stuff, I am kind of stressed out because I spent many hours filling out forms for my next rotation, and I don’t even know if I did them right because they were so complicated and confusing. Also my next rotation wants me fingerprinted twice. I am a little stressed out about it because I have no idea when or where to go to get it done—and I don’t have a lot of flexibility to do it, nor do I have the luxury of time since they want it ASAP or else…Also, a few years ago when I was fingerprinted the person doing it noted that I didn’t have very good fingerprints…I am afraid that even though visibly I do have better fingerprints now than I did then that my fingerprints still will look a lot older than I am and have to be explained again. I hate the extra attention from having to explain that. I don’t like being different. Lol, for that matter, you don’t want to know the number of times in the past day or so I have screamed at myself that I just want to be like everyone else.

In reality, I think in some ways I am pretty awesome. There are just a few things I don’t like about me—mostly my communication and navigation abilities or lack thereof. And the fact that sitting still and quietly is my arch-nemesis.

Is it bedtime yet? Pretty please?

And if Everyone Was Stuck but us We’d be the Ones Not Stuck

(Sports Utility Vehicle—Veggie Tales)

There is nothing like sitting in the car forever and ever (okay, or like 9 hours) to make you notice how many songs mention something about driving…or how Francesca Battistelli seems to have a lot of driving issues…’cause she’s written more than one song about her driving incidents. Not that I am one to judge considering I will be the first to admit that I can’t park to save my life, but it’s nice to know other people will also bravely admit their faults.

Also, it doesn’t seem to matter what I put in my driving playlist on my laptop. It seems no matter what I include there is something different I actually wanted to listen to, and for the most part I do not search for the songs I want while I am driving, because that tends to take my eyes off the road a little too much…which is why maybe my laptop is singing Wordless Ones by Michael Card, which is a great song, but my mouth is singing “I am the colony queen, I know that I look like a dream, I am always a mother to be such responsibility!” (L-A-Z-Y, Discovery at Camp Wise’n’up)…and making up new verses to the lady who swallowed a fly…and singing the song that actually does end (because once I was singing the song that never ends on my way home from school during second year and my dad said he knew how the song ended—when he drove off the road into a tree if I didn’t shut up…this is why small easily portable items that can be played with in a confined space in my lap were very useful when I was not the one driving).

I used to not understand why my mom didn’t like driving. I mean, getting my license did take away some of my freedom—no more was it acceptable to bike everywhere—but driving wasn’t bad. Well, driving gets really old really fast when you spend as much time in the car as you do when you are no longer a high school student…and you have to stop when the lights or signs say so and drive the speed they tell you to and always face forward and follow the yellow brick road…no creativity allowed…well…usually.

This morning there was a traffic jam at like 6 in the morning. I was not a happy camper. I specifically leave early to avoid traffic (okay, and because what else am I going to do when all my stuff is packed, plus it gives me time at home to unwind and unpack)…I was at a complete stop for like 10 minutes…like not even creeping forward. The people in front of me were talking and started going up the entrance ramp…so now I can say that probably the most perfectly executed three-point turn I’ve ever made in my life was on a freeway entrance ramp…usually my three point turns are more like 7 or 9 point turns…but when you have to get out of the way of all the people behind you and also don’t want to be that person right in the middle when someone unsuspectingly tries to go down the ramp, you have like one chance and you don’t want to mess it up. If you are in the middle of like nowhere, it also means that while everyone else seems to know exactly where they are going that you get to pull over long enough to pull up a map and figure out how you plan on getting home without that one road that is on the laminated directions you’ve been using the past three years…

Speaking of traffic, there was also a traffic jam just before my exit on the freeway…there were two cars stopped along the side of the road, and one stopped in the middle lane…okay, seriously people? I might not know a lot about what to do in an accident/emergency—my go to is freak out and call my daddy—but even I know that if it is possible you are supposed to get to the side of the road so that you aren’t blocking the rest of traffic…so yeah there was a traffic jam because all four lanes had to squish over to the left two lanes right in the spot where everyone usually works really hard to get merged into the furthest right lane to get off (it is seriously work, and occasionally despite driving the one lane over don’t make it and have to take the next exit). So yeah…that was a mess…I’m very glad I’ve never gotten into an accident on the freeway…because now that I think about it, I might get so freaked out that I’d become that idiot everyone hates who stops in the middle of the road because my brain tells me that I need to stop and my logic system isn’t working well enough to figure out how to do so appropriately. I mean, I did figure out to pull over ONE of the times I got a flat tire (the other time I drove to school…because I had no idea what to do).

Trash bags in the car work better if you can actually reach them wile driving…which is why I was glad there was a wash cloth on the top of my laundry basket to line the cup holder to create a place to set down apple cores besides in my pockets…yeah, I totally think things through in advance. Well, I guess occasionally I do! I went searching for a gas station last night because I knew I would be super annoyed at myself if I got to the dangerously low level in the middle of nowhere in the morning. I prefer to stop at gas stations when there is at least a moderate amount of light outside so driving aimlessly at 5pm is better than panicking that there are no gas stations anywhere at 6am…speaking of yesterday, I think I got my workout for the year going up and down the stairs at my apartment building packing up the car…I have a lot of stuff.

And all that stuff is now inside my house. There are a lot of things that out of convenience I either have multiple copies of to avoid having to pack them to go back and forth or have an excessive amount because I would rather have too much than constantly worry about not having enough…which is why after getting all my clothes clean and in my room I decided that once I located my toothbrush the rest of the unpacking might wait for a VERY long time…so much stuff…and there is still more in my apartment. I am starting to regret my impulse purchase of a red and white dish set in like January or February when I found it online and fell in love…how many dishes does one girl need?! I already packed what felt like an insane amount of dishes and there are still plenty more dishes at my apartment. I do not look forward to eventually completely moving out of my parents house…although more closet and dresser space would solve a lot of the issues, since the biggest problem is that there are clothes everywhere because I have a tiny dresser at home and my closet is overrun by piles of paperwork that perhaps I need to let go of…after doing so much work moving all my stuff once I should maybe capitalize on the momentum and just throw away anything I do not need right here right now before it becomes an emotional battle to do so.

At a gas station this afternoon someone asked me if I was a runner. My brain was so confused. I actually just said no and left it at that and the lady didn’t ask more questions, but inside my head I was like aren’t runners supposed to be like skinny or something? Yeah, I am definitely not skinny anymore…probably because of days like today where I ate an entire frozen pizza (after cooking it, I’m not a cave girl) because that was easier than figuring out how to put it away appropriately…okay fine, my size might have a lot to do with the fact that food makes me happy and so especially when a lot of things are not happy, I eat…a lot. I am not opposed to eating many more than the traditional three meals per day and supplementing in between with snacks and candy and dessert…yeah, you kinda know either something is wrong or that my pickiness is getting in the way if I ever refuse food—particularly sugary food…I may have gotten distracted for over an hour upon arriving home analyzing the food options…and briefly declaring there was nothing to eat because there were no prepared bowls of ramen and peanut butter in the fridge…college taught me to be lazy…the idea of having to do more than get out a spoon and possibly put food in the microwave when I get hungry seems like so much work…kinda like how my next semester starts Monday…I kinda feel burnt out and ready for a break. I’m not so sure I’m ready to jump in to yet another semester…but I don’t really get a choice. I need to find my intern license and all the papers I need signed…and it would be way too easy if they could give us a list of our assignments in like a checklist or some other form besides a hundreds of slides long powerpoint and nearly 100 page syllabus…it feels like I must be missing something—I don’t feel like I have any idea what I am supposed to be doing, You’d think in that many pages you’d really know, but somehow they managed to write like the worlds longest syllabi without ever giving a really good definition of the assignments they wanted us to do…and I’m too mentally exhausted to deal with that right now. The part of school I am currently missing is that at school I am never 100% alone for an extended period of time…there is always someone at least passing by besides Annie inside my phone reading her book to me.

And sensorily I want to scream. The carpet might have been itchy, but at least I could be barefoot on it…my feet feel so claustrophobic inside my socks and I hate it and it makes me want to have a meltdown. Not a tantrum, a meltdown. A tantrum is a choice for attention seeking and communication to express frustration. A meltdown is an unchosen uncontrollable release of desperation. Like if someone wanted to cut my feet off right now I’d tell them to go ahead.

Dear Younger Me It’s Not Your Fault

(Dear Younger Me—MercyMe)

Apparently, I should write more posts while half asleep. I got more likes on my post yesterday than I think I’ve ever gotten on a single post before. Lucky for me, I am still half asleep today! That’s what happens when leaving is something with which you struggle…and add that to the fact that you not only have to leave yourself but pack up and bring home the other person you brought, because like in many other situations, it is generally looked down upon to not leave with the same number of seats filled as you came with…

Half asleep I make a lot of strange decisions…which is why I try not to make big decisions while half asleep. Apparently it was really important this morning that I reorganize and unpack the few things I had actually already gotten round to packing before I could go to school…yeah…so I swear I am not losing my mind even though I just dumped out my entire wallet to reorganize it…’cause that is definitely something sane people do…I gotta find out when the bank is open, because I like to have less than 10 dollars in my wallet because I never spend real money, so I go to the bank and dump out my coins into the machine that spits out a little piece of paper that I have a zillionty pennies that I can now deposit into my account…so yeah, I can’t go to an ATM, because I don’t think you can shove a pile of $5 in pennies into an ATM…and the ATM probably also doesn’t want $10 in ones…sorry to the bank people who have to deal with my $15 deposit…that’s your payback for that one time like a year or two ago when you made me verify my name and account number…actually, I didn’t mind doing that, because it is better than if when you didn’t remember me you just deposited into some random person’s account…and dealing with whatever size deposit I come in with is kind of your job as long as I don’t do it like every day…

I am really sad to leave behind my incredible friends in athletics when I go home. I got to have good conversations with two of my favorites over the past couple days and I really like them so much.

I’m tired and one of the things on my to do list for the past month and a half or so is watch patch movie. It is a movie one of the KK people told me I should watch when she found out I was interested in pediatric pharmacy. She qualified that it wasn’t really about pharmacy but it was good. After some searching I am pretty sure I meant Patch Adams…so yeah, I’m just going to hit publish and not actually get to writing about what I was thinking when I titled the post.