Category Archives: blogging

Though the world doesn’t care it matters to me

(It Happened – Stephanie Pauline)

 

I’ve seen blog posts after the owner has not written for a long time that simply say something along the lines of “Y’all, I am doing so much better” and that is the end of the post and often the end of the blog. I don’t think I have been away long enough to warrant that and I think I want to keep blogging…and I feel like as a blogger I have always been way too verbose to have a one-liner post…but I am doing a lot better.

 

Four years (ish) ago I claimed that I had absolutely no OCD issues anymore. At the time it was true…but OCD is a sneaky beast. Since then there have certainly been times when the OCD came back…usually it’s just been a few hours or maybe a day and then it is gone again. Considering the sleeplessness and poor intake over the past months since not matching the first time, I probably shouldn’t be that surprised that a more protracted relapse entered my life even though I am doing a lot better with the grief than I was. My body and mind are still recovering even if I want to claim that I am fine. I still cry sometimes. I gained weight to my goal (not all of it back) and kept the weight on long enough to say okay unless there is a concern it doesn’t matter whether or not I keep this weight on. I did lose some of the weight again, but having a lower set point is okay as long as I am actually eating reasonable meals three times a day and not using up excessive amounts of energy without replacing it.

 

OCD makes it hard to be at work sometimes because people call in sick sometimes and the internet says shared pens are disgusting and dangerous and so are phones. OCD makes me vulnerable to computer viruses, because if I need to search the internet for stomach flu stories, I need to click on every single link…which means potentially clicking on dangerous sites…I am fairly certain that is how my yahoo email account started sending out spam emails on its own which I only discovered when it sent one to me…I was so embarrassed because I have no idea how many people it may have fraudulently sent emails to since the emails are not archived in my sent mail folder…and I don’t know whether proper etiquette is to pretend it never happened or to email absolutely everyone I know to make sure I don’t miss anyone in letting them know it wasn’t really me…but then that would be basically another pointless email clogging up people’s inbox…and I really hope they know it wasn’t really me. Speaking of my obsessive searches…I am very much aware that the more I search the more fear I feel, but when the OCD strikes, the need to know overrides all logic, and it *feels* like reading all the things will make me safer…luckily, so far, although I had a bit of a protracted relapse, it never got to a really bad point at all, more of just a very mild hovering just above a normal point for a long time. Just in case though, after getting home from Target to buy my Christmas tree, I allowed myself to wash my hands because I was at a point where I wasn’t touching things and I knew that if the anxiety didn’t calm soon it would be a lot easier to cope if I washed my hands and kept my apartment at least relatively clean than if I forced myself to horribly contaminate my entire apartment…shopping can be hard. Partly because the internet also says that shopping carts are dirty and because people on the internet admit to going shopping while sick (STAY IN YOUR HOME PEOPLE) so all the stuff in the store might be contaminated. Also, there are times when I want to buy bleach, and I know that I am not quite ready to be responsible with bleach. There have been times I would have been ready to go shopping but didn’t because I was afraid I might come home with a bottle of bleach.

 

Sometimes “just relax” or “what’s the worst that could happen” are unhelpful words that show a lack of understanding, because trust me, if I could “just relax” I would. But sometimes I have to remind myself that it doesn’t have to be perfect…case in point: Thanksgiving. It came into my head that I *was* bringing something to Thanksgiving, so I asked and asked until I finally became in charge of bringing rolls. Easy, right? Well, first I kinda fell asleep after lunch and woke up and realized I intended to start getting the rolls ready a while ago…then I realized the directions were super confusing/vague. As I finally get to the let rise at least 45 minutes I look at the clock and realize that I am falling hopelessly behind the timeline. Remember that not only am I taking extra time trying to understand, the area in which I still wash almost excessively is when cooking…washing your hands doesn’t take a lot of time but do it enough times and it adds up. And I am also realizing that even if I skip half of the rise time I still have nowhere near enough time to re-use the same pan for two batches and I only have one pan that is really intended for making rolls so I’m going to need to come up with a creative improvised solution ASAP to get everything into the oven at one time. So this is the perfect time to spill and/or splatter most of a stick of butter all over my microwave. I don’t know the importance of butter in this recipe – I might just try skipping it altogether next time and see what happens instead of getting stressed out. Trying to make up time while shaking from anxiety makes it hard to get a new stick of butter unwrapped. Just sayin.’ And of course I spill flour all over too. To speed things up I try mixing the bread dough with a mixer…and pretty quickly realize it is a bad idea but for a few seconds freeze which is long enough for the dough to get up into the holes to the point that the eject button doesn’t work and I have to yank the stick things off of the mixer base…so after skipping a few steps I didn’t have time for I tried all sorts of things to get the dough out of the inside of the mixer and am hoping it’ll work again next time I have an appropriate use for it. Anyway, at this point you have to either laugh or cry…so I announced to myself that I now have the most well-greased microwave ever. And as I am looking for more towels to try to clean it up because soaking up some of the drips before they got to the floor with paper towel and napkins was good, but real towels are the only match for the explosion in the microwave, I relax and realize that it doesn’t have to be perfect and my worth as a person is not dependent upon my ability to make rolls. I might feel embarrassed if they turn out bad, but it is not the end of the world if there aren’t rolls for thanksgiving. In fact, I have been at thanksgiving celebrations where there intentionally was not rolls.

 

So yeah. The rolls weren’t perfect and some of them were falling apart. I ended up with a hard to clean microwave and almost every bowl in my kitchen dirty (thank God for dishwashers). I burned my serving tray by pouring the rolls from the pan directly out of the oven into the towel-lined tray. And I was still late to Thanksgiving…but I also still had a wonderful time. Thanksgiving can be hard for me because of my social skills or lack thereof, but I had such a good time. No one made me feel awkward for what I did or didn’t eat or for what I did or didn’t say. It was okay to just be me. I was accepted and included and LOVED it!!

 

Probably a week-ish later I had some time scheduled to hang out with a new friend. Maybe an hour or so before it is time to go I read a text from her that she hadn’t thought to tell me but her kids had been sick. And the way it was worded definitely sounded like the vomiting kind of sick. Full stop. This is basically how I lose friends. Anyone in the home sick pretty much means the person is going to be contaminated for a LONG time. I was determined not to lose my brand new friend. I was terrified because clearly if I hadn’t already been told this is not a contamination-aware home. I am strong. My plan was bring as little as possible in and only things that can be cleaned easily. In my car was a towel to protect my car from germs and spray hand sanitizer. Of course one of the first things that happens as I come in is she is preparing food that my passive can’t reject…and one potentially sick kiddo was helping. So, long story short, I ate throughout the day even with toddler fingers in the bowl. That is not something I really ever expected to be able to do. I don’t know if it would be a big deal for “normal” people, but it was a big deal for me. Yes, I did come home and wiped my flip flops with a sanitizer wipe, stripped all my clothes off into the washer with the towel and my watch band, ran a quick wash cycle while showering, found a new towel and clothes, ran a *real* wash cycle, and worked on cleaning my watch itself, my phone, and the floor where I walked before showering…yes, excessive, but after that I was totally fine again, and that is a huge accomplishment for me. I CAN challenge myself and I CAN do it without falling apart.

 

Do I still have OCD fears? Sometimes. Do I still at times struggle with the grief? Definitely, but I can live life okay with minor contamination sometimes and accept minor risks…and even challenge myself with big risks. And I no longer get up every single morning wishing I weren’t alive. I might not be thrilled with where I am in life, but I am doing so much better than before.

 

I don’t recall where this quote came from, but it’s been on my list of things for awhile… “I needed to live, not live better.” It is easy to be frustrated with myself and see all the perceived failure, but that misses the fact that one of my major success stories is that I lived. There are a lot of really hard things that I have faced in the past year, and even before that, but I survived. Sure, in retrospect it is easy to see how maybe there is some way I could have fought harder and lost less weight for example, but starving short term wasn’t going to kill me. I needed to live, not live better. It took all the power I had to get something in my mouth every day and to keep on making it through each day on almost no sleep. I did my best, and I survived. It really is only by God’s power that I am still here. Barely functioning I didn’t necessarily always remember even the basics of driving like gas vs brake, much less the intricacies…and I was often trying to get where I needed to be while struggling to see through the storm of tears. It wasn’t the best way to live, but I needed to live, not live better…

 

It is crazy to think that at this time last year I was finishing up and submitting the applications to the nine places I expected to interview including the one place I intended to end up. Now I am finally in a job that I do not like, but that I am learning to be thankful for because it pays the bills and has allowed me to grow not professionally, but personally as I learn how to make new friends and stuff…’cause as a resident in a lot of places you get a built in friend of your co-residents who also have just graduated and are in need of friends and with whom you will spend lots of time, so being a real pharmacist I skipped over that hand holding step into the real world.

 

I am really proud of myself. I might have challenges to overcome, but I am a fighter and no one will take away my shine.

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11 Days of Brave

Every October, a lot of bloggers commit to writing a post every day on a particular topic. That is a lot more commitment than I am able to give, but I think maybe I could handle 11 days if each day was a few sentences rather than an entire post.

So here are my eleven days of brave.

10/21: I am going to start opening up my heart to hope again. It is terrifying, but I have to believe that hope will be good in the end even if it just feels like a way to be hurt more right now. I am a fighter.

10/22: I completed my first marathon…not as a runner…I was on the medical team. The reason pharmacy is the best fit in the medical profession for me is because brief face to face communication with patients is not my forte. I am fine communicating with other providers as needed and I prefer most to work independently, but today I had to talk to patients directly with some brief interactions. I wasn’t really *supposed* to have to do that, but a lot of times all the nurses would be outside cheering for runners leaving me the only one available to triage new arrivals and start helping them. Luckily each time that happened someone realized I was way out of my comfort zone and jumped in to help before I totally imploded…But I tried, and that was a big brave thing. I was stressed out enough that I started getting enough dehydrated that I was a little dizzy, but I did it and really enjoyed it.

10/23: Today, for the first time since losing my job again, I wore logo wear. Sure, it was “just” a jacket that I have loved for the style rather than for the logo anyway, and the jacket was like my security blanket all last winter, but losing my job and coworkers and dreams was an incredibly painful experience and the simple presence of that logo was too much. A couple weeks ago the best I could do was realize it was way too cold to be outside without a jacket or something and put my jacket in my purse in case I really needed it. Sounds reasonable-ish, right? Well, except for that really needing it was probably not going to happen until my all of me was getting frost bitten. Luckily I figured out later that for most things a jacket wasn’t as necessary as SOMETHING warm that was comfortable enough to not make me whiney…Thinking back to winter storm Decima where I had to get a little creative to stay warm and ended up wearing a pair of dirty pajama bottoms around my shoulders for warmth, I realized that a soft sweatshirt would work too, so I haven’t been freezing the days that it was cold out. Being able to wear the jacket is a huge step in the right direction.

10/24: Today I was having a hard  time. On the way home I felt like I should sing the song God Rocks (here there everywhere better believe that God rocks! Not a doubt, check it out, gotta believe that God rocks…). I really didn’t want to, because it sure doesn’t seem like God rocks. It seems like God is sitting back relaxing when I need help. I feel left alone. I know intellectually that God won’t throw me away, but right now I don’t know it in my heart. Right about the time I stopped singing, the narrator on the audiobook I was listening to said sometimes we ask so many questions that they pile up on top of the answer. It made me think, maybe I have spent so much time asking God where he is and why it hurts to much and why he won’t take it away that I haven’t shut up long enough to hear an answer. I don’t actually know if this one is a Christian based book – I was drawn in by the pretty picture on the cover – so maybe this isn’t the “right” or “Christian” approach, but I feel like I’ve tried everything else and at this point I would be willing to try practically anything if it might help heal my pain.

Off topic, but I was thinking this evening about why today was feeling so hard – there wasn’t really any particular trigger I could think of besides wearing the jacket starting yesterday. I realized that maybe the problem is that I have been so focused on achieving my goal weight. I think it kind of became like a marker of when the grieving is over…but as it turns out, reaching a particular number on the scale does not mean that the grief is automatically over. I can work really hard and achieve the physical goal while emotionally I am still far behind. And this morning I was no longer at the goal. To be honest, in the morning I was able to just brush it off and realize the goal was not some biologically based number and if I am eating appropriately every day the exact number doesn’t really matter. The goal is a healthy weight that can fuel my body. For a while I wasn’t fueling my body. I was exhausted not just from grief-induced insomnia but because I wasn’t putting the proper nutrition and hydration in my body to effectively create energy. But I am a morning person, so everything tends to seem better in the morning. By the afternoon that was just one more reminder of failure. Another indicator that I am not good enough. I don’t want to cry anymore. I just want this nightmare to end. I want to wake up and find out this was all a dream. For that matter, I would be perfectly happy to die in my sleep tonight and never wake up. That might be the best option.

10/25: So this is kind of lame, but the brave thing I did was attempt to ask someone to hang out with me…except I failed because for some reason facebook won’t load right now and that is the only way  I know how to contact this person. But trying is step one and something I usually wouldn’t attempt because I am more of the find community as you osmosis into it kind of way than an actively seeking people out kind of way…

Also, off topic, but I wish that more problems could be solved the way one problem was solved today…my guitar wouldn’t work at all. The computer said it sensed one guitar connected, and the lights on the USB remote thing were lit up and the switch was in the on position…and the buttons were doing nothing. Eventually after frustratedly pressing every single button a few times and realizing nothing was doing anything and there definitely weren’t any steps in turning the game on I was missing, I got the idea to try changing out the batteries…so a screwdriver and four double A’s and a little bit of problem solving and it worked again. But screwdrivers and batteries do not fix ALL of life’s problems…which is probably good because I don’t have another four AA’s to use to fix the next problem…

10/26: I actually did contact someone on facebook today…is it cheating to use that as my brave thing since I kinda used it yesterday? IDK…Speaking of facebook, I also got challenged to take pictures and post them, so I’m doing that…today: the mess under my bed left over from yesterday…

And, off topic, but I do not like Hy-Vee… #annoyed… so it isn’t actually Hy-Vee’s fault for the most part… but I had 5 cents off/gallon on my Hy-Vee Perks card…and the only place anywhere near here that accepts that card is like across town. Gas Buddy and Google both agreed that the price of gas was the same there as everywhere else…so I figured that I’d probably save more than I spent in getting there and back, so I went. Yeah, so I actually passed a Hy-Vee on my way there when I got mildly lost. I figured I’d stop and try to find what I wanted, ’cause I’ve been driving with the gas light on for a while and figured it was time, but I was pretty sure I had enough to stop and get to the gas station…and I got SO frustrated. So disorganized. Found nothing I wanted. Struggled so hard to even figure out how to get out of the stupid store…it’s like a maze in there. So yeah…then I finally figured out how to get to the gas station and got that figured out…and got super lost on the way home…let’s just say if I ever tell myself that I don’t need directions I should probably know by now that I am lying to myself…yep, any potential savings most definitely lost and then some…and then on the way home, I discover that a gas station much closer to me was 4 cents less/gallon than the gas station I went to… #fail…

10/27: So someone at work complained that they felt like they were going to throw up and were going home early and kept talking about how she wasn’t sure if she was going to make it all the way home. So lets just say that even before that my OCD was starting to creep back in just a little and that was enough to push me from creeping in to totally drowning. But I still ate lunch and dinner including going to a restaurant (Panera) where I can’t control what happened to the food before I got it and it is sitting out without being sealed so like anything airborne could be on it or bugs could carry stuff to it…and it almost certainly has had at least indirect contact with human hands if not direct contact…yeah, all that to say that restaurants are already a little scary even before you add in the social aspects…and I am okay.

10/28: So yeah…I already shortened the commitment to 11 days instead of 31 days…and I failed anyway yesterday…but I’m not deleting this and pretending it never happened. I am getting back on the horse and continuing the ride.

10/29: I made a new friend in the garage today…you should probably know that by made a new friend I really just mean I managed enough one to two word responses to keep a conversation going for a couple minutes and said conversation ended in someone inviting me to knock on his door to borrow his bike sometime…but anyway, that is something that isn’t always easy for me…now whether or not I will ever be brave enough to knock on someone’s door is a totally different story, but getting far enough in conversation for that to come up is pretty sweet!

10/30: yeah…I kinda forgot and/or gave up…lol…whatev…

10/31: On my way home from work late at night, someone on the sidewalk started talking to me. It would have been easy to barely acknowledge them and go on towards my apartment, but I paused to exchange a few words…funniest thing ever though, the person said “isn’t it kinda late for walking outside?” That was the point at which I lost interest in talking when I could be sleeping, but I laughed because that lady was obviously also walking outside late at night.

Just When You’ve Lost the Will to Live You’ll See the Shore

(Drifting – Plumb)

 

As I continue to grieve, some days are definitely a lot harder than usual.

 

Monday was one of those harder days. My guess would be that spending a few hours at my old job Sunday was enough to remind me of what I have had to give up.

 

Grief is like an open wound, making things that should be of minimal consequence seem so painful as to derail my day. I checked my mailbox and had a bill for $435 from my new employer. This is not how working is supposed to work. I was so upset that I immediately started crying and screaming about how much I hated my new job and wanted to quit. I know it would be career suicide to quit at this point, but it doesn’t really seem like that big of a deal when I’m in a position that I like so little with no hope of getting what I really want. There was a simple answer to this problem: call and ask about it, and once I calmed down enough to figure that out and then enough to make the call the problem was solved…the bill was a mistake and they’d delete the charges from my account if I brought the bill to their office…but once I’m that far gone my communication abilities are definitely affected enough that I really didn’t want to go to the office and really didn’t want to have to talk to the receptionist about what I needed. It was another overwhelming hurdle to jump.

 

As my shift started out, it was actually at least a little better than last week – there were at least more than like the same 4 drugs at the exact same doses to verify over and over…but the person I was assigned to work with was not easy to work with. I felt really frustrated and was very ready to leave. There were a lot of issues like getting yelled at over how I sorted my home med list which makes absolutely no difference one way or the other because how I default sort it does not in any way shape or form affect your default sort and if I am comfortable the way I like it then it doesn’t matter…and it wasn’t like this was a good teacher either. Yelling at me that I am doing it wrong isn’t very helpful if when I ask what I’m doing wrong your response is that the dose I’m typing can’t be given…especially when I know for a fact that it can and your protocol that I am working off of also says that this is an appropriate dose. If you always do it differently than the protocol then first, I think the protocol should be changed to reflect that, and second, it would be more helpful to tell me how you always do it than to just tell me I am doing it all wrong. I wish I were a little more bold so I could request someone else to work with instead of just dealing with it. Also, there is one particular protocol that while I am definitely not going to try to change it as the new girl, I definitely do not like it and don’t think it is a very safe practice. I hear in all my pharmacy practice groups that standardization is very important and there should very rarely be more than one concentration made of the same product because it leads to errors. In this hospital, pretty much every single pediatric dose of certain antibiotics is a different concentration. That really scares me because it leads to such a wide opening for errors. Especially in kids it is important to have a standard concentration and they are doing the opposite of that.

 

And of course because it is me, I got lost on the way home from work…I live about a mile away, but I didn’t get home until almost midnight…I understand random other people still awake that late not stopping to get my attention and ask if I need anything – I know I learned somewhere that you are supposed to be careful because single girls could be bait to attract you so bad guys can hurt you…but I would have thought that a police officer would notice a very obviously lost girl and at least ask if she wanted help…and I was desperate enough at that point I would have said yes…but nope, saw me, turned around, and went the other way…I miss the city I went to school in. It is questionable whether it is actually a safer place to wander or not, but there are a lot more street lights and a lot fewer trees which makes it FEEL a whole lot safer and less scary. Also, people there are super friendly and I am 98% certain that I had I been wandering around there SOMEONE would have said something to me. I was always so amazed how friendly people are there. You can walk through a neighborhood and people you have never before seen in your life will wave and say hello or people driving with their windows down will say hello to people on the sidewalk.

 

And in the process of not being fully unpacked, I realized I had no idea where my passport was. I opened every box looking for it before remembering that a signed credit card is an acceptable substitute (something that still boggles my mind…) and switching my attention towards finding something that will write on the back of my credit card…clearly though I finished that and then thought of a few more places to look and finally found the passport…

 

And I seem to lose a sock every time I do laundry and this week it was one of my favorites that didn’t come back out of the wash. I wish I knew where these socks went because I had the socks paired up in the laundry basket, brought the basket over to the laundry closet, put everything in, moved everything to the dryer, and then took everything out and put it away and so there really isn’t anywhere they could go except into thin air…

I’m holding on. Minute by minute. It’s so hard.

 

Totally unrelated, but I take the NAPLEX Friday and IDK if I am ready.

The best laid plans can go upside down if that’s lady luck’s intent

 

(Accidents Happen – Thomas and Friends)

 

Things don’t always go how they go inside my head.

 

I was going to do a video with a teacher…instead I got pulled into a meeting about background checks and discovered that it is finally going to be a lot less expensive for students now than it has been for me. Then I got pulled into helping with looking through preceptor of the year awards.

 

I got out of my last event of the day super early and I had the great idea that I would go swing on a swingset….umm…yeah…it was thunderstorming and I didn’t get very far on my way to my car before I realized swinging in a thunderstorm was a Very Bad Idea.

 

So instead I decided to go find someone to talk to…except everyone was busy…

 

It is easy to forget me…especially when I never made it known I needed anything…

 

But some things do go right. Sometimes God answers prayer with yes. There was a garbage truck that happened to turn onto the road in front of me. Oh c**p oh c**p oh c**p are the last words coming out of my mouth before trying to hold my breath as long as possible…then I forced myself to breathe while thinking about if there was anywhere I could get some bleach and clean myself and all my things. And I was frustrated because clearly if I can barely touch the steering wheel while I drive because everything is contaminated then eating is going to be super difficult…so I did the only thing left to do. I prayed my heart out the rest of the way to school…usually I’m also singing myself songs (usually inside my head…), but not today, and shortly after getting to school I was actually doing okay again!! Maybe I don’t have a job and I’m still alive because I’m not a good enough Christian.

 

I’ve been listening to the book “In the Water they can’t see you cry.” As a former swimmer and loving the title SO much, it was totally worth the fact that it was like 10 hours long. Amanda Beard was the topic of my french paper in seventh grade. I was a little disappointed at first because the book wasn’t like I thought it would be, but it actually is pretty good. It is so familiar that I feel like I’ve read it before in like actual words, but I’m pretty sure based on the publication date that I haven’t read it before…I suppose there is probably a good chance that the majority of the story I read from the Splash magazines a little at a time. I read those things religiously cover to cover until they stopped coming. Anyway, I am so glad I read the book this week. It was something I could totally connect with. Someone else who had very similar problems to my own and experienced it similarly…and she got through it and ended up with a BABY!! Mostly it was just me having someone to commiserate with who wasn’t going to be overwhelmed or anything seeing as how it was only a person on a recording, but there were tiny bits of hope that if she could do it maybe I could too.

 

Sometimes life is frustrating. I wanted to go to yoga today. I had lab until 6:30, so even worst case scenario I’d make it to the second half. Then the teacher for the class I had before lab said unless I wanted to be in class that I might as well leave because there wasn’t going to be anything useful for me in class. I took that invitation and left. I probably should have done something useful with my life, but instead I went on a walk…a five-mile walk. Yeah…that was stupid. And that is why I am unable to go to yoga. I don’t think it is safe for me to be there. Either it will be slow stretching yoga in which case I will be tempted to pretend I am totally able to do what everyone else seemingly can and intentionally do things that will leave me in physical pain to drown some of the emotional pain, or it will be some type of fitness yoga that will similarly be bad for me because I really shouldn’t be doing anything that is going to burn extra calories when I am trying to gain weight…especially seeing as how I am already having trouble with my dinner today. I was super efficient in lab moving people around and grading papers and alphabetizing at top speed so that I’d have plenty of time and I was pretty proud of myself for finishing at 5pm. But then I realized that it wasn’t a good idea to go to yoga. But I also couldn’t go home. I already said I wasn’t going to be home for dinner and it is always awkward when I say that then show up at home…especially because a lot of times dinner when I’m not there is fish and so people feel bad that I can’t eat with them, because that is one of the things they are aware that I do not eat. Besides, I had enough food for two meals in my lunch box and extra snacks in my car. So I started getting dinner ready, but I didn’t really want to eat it. So I went to my happy place so that I wouldn’t be tempted to show up to show up at yoga. Now I am trying really hard to finish dinner. It is frustrating, because I feel like I should be over this by now. But I’m still struggling. How long does this last? I’m tired of holding on.

 

Umm yeah…so we’ll just end with some good lyrics:

“When does a scar become a tattoo? When does the sky turn back to blue? When will this heart that’s broken and bleeding beat again? When do I stop feeling this burn? When will it stop? When will I learn?…I’m right here, standing in the pouring rain; tick tock hours all feel the same.” (Say your name – Plumb)

Like a Blaze I Can’t Contain

(Krystal Meyers – Fire)

 

So, umm, yeah…this might be the dumbest thing I ever did in my whole life (wild exaggeration). So I accidentally set a metaphorical fire last week. It was an accident. Stupid words came out of my mouth that I didn’t intend to say…

 

And then it blew up in my face today…and because I was scared I pretty much just shot the messenger. Now instead of one fire I have two; the original oops and then the breaking of the messenger’s relationship.

 

So yeah…I left school ready to do homework and got home and very quickly was pulled into firefighting mode for the next three hours…and no homework got done.

 

On the positive side, although I did stay up late sending texts, the result was that both fires were put out and the train is back on the tracks…lol…and I think everyone has learned a lesson…don’t break news to Wiggle Worm via text in the afternoon if there is a possibility of the meaning being misinterpreted into a terrifying scenario that she feels like needs to immediately fixed…and for me, get all the information BEFORE you freak out and assume the worst…

 

So to keep from setting anymore metaphorical fires I’m just gonna share random lyrics that I like, because I am pretty sure there is no way that can get me in trouble or anything…

 

To go on living when all you’ve lived for is gone…this is the Courage to make a light

(Superchick – 5 minutes at a time)

This song is really encouraging and has gotten a lot of listens in my life…unfortunately.

 

We learn how to identify and correctly label other people’s sick neurotic pathetic behavior…what does this prove? The rats are totally insane!

(Psychology 101 – Ten Minute University)

I adore ten-minute university, and this is probably my favorite lecture. All the lectures are good, but this one makes me smile the most. Like seriously, if you haven’t heard it you need to. It is hilarious with zero knowledge of psychology, but once you know some psychology the humor level goes up like a million fold.

 

You’ll stand through the pain. You won’t drown.

(Stand in the Rain – Superchic[k])

Good reminder.

 

My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word, and I can’t seem to remember anything I’ve learned

(Sleep – Plumb)

This one is a good crying song if I’m not already crying but am in a safe place to cry. I lean towards sensory seeking to numb out so a slow song takes away some of the sensory stimulation which lets the tears pour down my face.

 

Are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls to hide our weakness and smiles to hide our pain? But the invitation’s open to any heart that has been broken…is there anyone who fails? Is there anyone who falls? Am I the only one in church today feeling so small?

(Stained Glass Masquerade – Casting Crowns)

This is another oldy but goody…mostly I hate music without words, but this song is so pretty that I might even be happy with this song without the words…and that is saying a lot because usually the words are the part of the song that matters to me.

 

I could keep going, but as mentioned above, my homework needs to get done…

Try to put the pieces together

(Free to be Me – Francesca Battistelli)

That title seemed fitting because this post is a bunch of random thoughts that don’t really fit together…but writing even just seemingly random thoughts helps clear my brain space to be able to think logically enough and sit still enough to write more than three words without getting distracted and doing something else in the middle…it helps a lot in coherency of my homework.

This is good because as I worked on my homework this morning it is extremely obvious that I am a morning person and also which parts I worked on in the morning versus later in the day…the questions, answers and explanations make sense and then suddenly partway through the page the grammar and logic seem to just vaporize and disappear…

I think I finally put into words the lesson I learned through the issues at school: Just because hurt people hurt people doesn’t mean that loved people love people. I can’t love people out of hurting me. I shouldn’t protect people who are hurting me to create a safe place so that they’ll be nice. It won’t work. But I still feel the guilt and shame that I should have been able to fix it. I mean, yeah, in retrospect I should have stopped loving and started tattling and gotten out of the relationship, but the fact that I care too much about protecting that person to create a no doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. It just means that as an adolescent with a not fully developed brain I didn’t yet have the capacity to fix it myself nor did I have the capacity to share enough hints that the other adults in the situation had enough to have reasonably figured out what was happening…if I hadn’t been the unpaid secretary helping students when they were super frustrated maybe someone would have gone to someone who could have changed things. So maybe it is my fault that this still happens. Okay, time for this paragraph to shut up because clearly I am not able to write about this AND be nice to myself…

Sometimes you just know what you need is a break in a safe place. I tried that at lunch time on Friday and couldn’t find it…got close until the person whose office and company I was borrowing realized she had something she really needed to do…and so I left to go have lunch even though I was having a rough day and food was sounding like too much. Success: I ate lunch. Fail: and then I tried to do homework but never actually got it all the way out because I started crying and ended up spending the rest of my 2.5 hours lunch break trying to calm down and compose myself to be able to go to class.

I made it to class. I should have been more focused but just being there was the level of energy I had to give right then. I knew that it was time when class was over to take some time for myself…I went to the place I have always run (well, always driven) for a sense of safety and due to the fact that I don’t want certain people to know where I go and follow me there thus taking away my hideout, I am going to refrain from mentioning where said place is…plenty of people probably have a pretty good guess, but right now I am worried about being found and having nowhere so I ain’t makin’ it easy. In reality, the person I am worried about has actually been pretty respectful recently, but I can’t afford to take chances. Usually I go sit in a chair or on a swing, or my first week back in this state I went and walked around the block to create distraction to make it easier to meet my water goals, but today even walking as far as a chair seemed overwhelming, so I sat down in the back of my car, turned on Spotify, and took a short nap. When I woke up the world wasn’t beautiful or anything, but at least I felt a little less pressed into a pancake. I then did feel like I could go to the swing and sit and release some energy. It was good…until I had to get back in the car and go home and I barely made it five blocks before I hit traffic and undid all the unwinding I’d just done.

Oh, you know, just napping in the back of the car…

But luckily once I got home things went pretty well. I intended to finish some homework tonight since I am feeling very much like the hurrier I go the behinder I get…so both of my major projects are barely started and both of my projects are due Tuesday…instead I had a delicious dinner and somehow my mouth kept saying yes I would like more thank you and I actually ended up finishing the day with a complete calorie load despite the jolly rancher subbing in for part of breakfast and the struggle to get through lunch…and then I learned about Passover since that is happening this weekend, and I learned about grieving and some other stuff in Judaism. I will admit that this non-change-loving girl is a little nervous about her first Passover celebration, but she is also excited to be learning…and is happy to do anything that makes her little six and a half year old buddy happy.

Also on like Thursday-ish…The awkward moment of checking your phone between classes to see a text “are you coming to the wedding this weekend?” Umm…crap…I forgot that I said I might do that…I legitimately have too much homework to make that even a remote possibility, but I really should have at least remembered enough to have said that I wasn’t going without being asked…

I’ve never been to a wedding before, and it doesn’t really seem that exciting to me. I’ve been to a funeral and both are pretty much the same thing as far as I’m concerned. Something is changing for eternity and therefore we will all get dressed up and sit still while someone reads the same Bible passage as always and some people walk around. Then we will eat. It is really only the and then we will eat part that has any interest points for me.

Also, I have the most amazingest friends ever. You should be jealous…actually you shouldn’t, because that is a sin…but you should totally find friends as awesome as mine.

Also, I’m kinda nervous about my first Passover celebration tomorrow. But damaged people are powerful. They know they can SURVIVE!

Yeah this year was hard but a lot went right so we’re in our yard singing silent night because all is calm and ’cause all is right when you end the year singing silent night.

(Holderni Christmas 2016)

 

I heard this song a few days ago and loved it because it is so true. This year and really a lot of the past years have been really hard, but in the midst of the chaos and stress, there totally were things going right. I have met some awesome people that I might not have met without the struggles that pushed me to reach out.

 

Sure, school is not really a good place for me to be, but because I will already be in town for the last rotation block (and at school), I have a good reason not to live in the res hall the last week before graduation…sure, it’s free, but safety is something without a price tag, and I’m pretty sure I’d rather drive back and forth and stay somewhere else even if it is a significant time/money/effort commitment, because driving back and forth to school is likely less stressful than being trapped on campus would be.

 

Anyway, check out the before, during, and after pictures of the car wash. Yes, I did go to the expensive car wash…my mom told me to, and I try to obey…and besides, I figure I don’t spend much money on myself, so it is okay to splurge once in a while…

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during

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Totally unrelated, but today my water bottle leaked in my lunch box…I mean, it always leaks, but today about half of the water was not longer contained in the bottle. It is approximately a 3-cup water bottle. My phone, wallet/keys, paper towels, and everything else in my lunchbox was dripping…including the candy in my lunchbox. There were some jolly ranchers in there…let’s just say that I’ve never really liked the idea of candy wrappers that don’t actually seal due to the germ component, but this is another reason that non-sealing candy wrappers are frustrating…now everything from my lunchbox is sticky from dissolved jolly rancher…on the positive side, my phone has never smelled so delicious!

Caught up in the halls of introspection

(House of Mirrors- Tenth Avenue North)

Can I just say that I adore children…except for when one of them decides my toothbrush is awesome and plays with it…Kids outside of an elementary school setting have never been a germ problem for me—even in situations it probably isn’t very safe I am happy to share with kids…and right now I am at a place where it is relatively hard to ruffle my germ feathers even though I always live life with a little bit of protection just in case to soften the fall if anything does happen. I will say though that someone playing with my toothbrush went pretty close to the zone of not okay with me. It’s a good thing she’s cute…and that it didn’t actually go in her mouth.

I think I finally identified what it is that bothers me so much about people bashing Trump…see, I knew there was more to it than just that people were being incredibly rude, because while I reacted to people bashing Hillary, internally I reacted more to Trump bashing. The difference is that the core complaint hits a little too close to home. The difference is that the main thing people seem to complain about is that he isn’t the greatest speaker (okay, that might have been putting it a bit too softly…he is a lousy public speaker). I get that he isn’t eloquent, but there are worse things at which to be lousy. TBH, it is my opinion that it doesn’t take eloquence to run a country. I, too, am not eloquent, not a good speaker. If I were judged solely on my social communication skills, people would probably have a lot of fuel for bashing me, too. Yes, I did tell someone a few months ago “maybe you should dance by yourself.” It was intended to be a positive comment, and you can probably tell that it doesn’t sound so positive when spoken. I do say a lot of dumb things when I don’t think before I start talking. The point I was trying to convey is easy to ignore, instead making fun of the way I expressed my opinion. I am lucky enough to be able to usually surround myself with people who will clarify and take a moment to understand what I am trying to say, and to not be surrounded by the media. Everyone has flaws, and not being well-spoken doesn’t make me or Trump a bad person. It just takes a little bit of being polite and listening to understand our hearts. Am I saying that I agree with every one of Trump’s policies? No, I am not, and I do not. (Note that I also do not agree with all of Hillary’s policies or all of Gary’s policies. They each had policies I liked as well as policies I disliked). I didn’t vote, and I can honestly say that the more I looked into the issues, the more the decision of the “best” candidate for presidency as well as the “best” candidate for whom to vote became foggy. I know I’ve talked about a few of the issues already, but based on the hate-speech I am still hearing about the candidates, I think further sharing of my opinion is probably not a prudent choice at this time. Like I heard on the radio one day, America desperately needed change and change is what we got. Regardless of the candidate filling the White House next year, it was going to be a change. Only time will tell exactly what that change will be. Because we are adults, we can show respect to our leader without agreeing with every one of their opinions.

Have you ever been spontaneously invited into the middle of a party and not known how to escape when it is almost midnight and you usually go to bed at 9? Yeah, that happened. It was probably good because I realized about the time I got in my car that I hadn’t made very good nutrition choices all day…hmm: cheerios for breakfast, noodles bread chips and skittles for lunch, crackers and cookies for dinner…what’s missing? Parties aren’t really the best for me getting nutrition in either, but I did at least add some protein to that list. I just had a little hard time trying to figure out how to excuse myself to go to bed. Like I unsuccessfully tried to explain to someone first year, knowing potential words to say and watching interactions has never really been enough in some areas of communication to pick up on the skills I need, because there are some situations that are just seem so different every single time that I can’t figure out how to properly imitate them or modify them to meet my needs. Leaving a conversation is one of those areas…and it is a problem both in person and on the phone. It is one that I really need to figure out though, because being at a party until almost midnight isn’t good when I have a ton of homework I really need to be doing…and sleep I really need to be getting…I was really proud of myself for staying in bed until almost six, but when I was most definitely awake by 3, it just isn’t quite enough. I have been trying to do homework but ending up staring at the screen or at my paper in a half asleep daze…so tired…

Speaking of nutritional choices…it was becoming obvious there was a problem right about the time I got in my car to go home. I knew the gas light had been on for a while. I knew the closest gas station was the opposite direction as home. I knew I had 10 miles left before completely empty. I went around the block to go to that closest gas station…then immediately realized that the closest one in the direction I actually needed to be heading to get home was definitely within 10 miles…so instead of turning left with a light like I could have done, I ended up turning left onto a busy road without a light…yep, I am an idiot sometimes. I did make it to the gas station without running out or getting lost…and then promptly drove past another gas station I totally could have made it to that was selling the gas for 20 cents cheaper per gallon…you can’t be picky when you live about 15 miles from church and are forgetful (and/or lazy) about keeping your car full of gas…especially when you are directionally challenged and never really know how far you’ll actually end up going in the process of getting from point A to point B. (Lol, people think when I am willing to try going somewhere myself that I must know what I’m doing—in reality, I have just gotten really comfortable with being super lost). Yeah, there are a lot of things about myself I would change if I could, but sometimes those same things can be positive. There’s always two sides to every coin, you just have to flip it over. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_hK6YG3jjI )

I had another paragraph written. I deleted it because it was probably going to offend someone. You’re welcome.

every little thing

(Giants Fall—francesca battistelli)

Sometimes you just gotta take a weekend to relax and be stupid…So…the house I am in has completely separate heating and cooling systems…which means if I am messing around and turn the heat one way up but leave the cooling one alone it’ll get really warm by my bed against where the heat comes out in my room, and most of the house’ll stay pretty much the same temperature, but the bathroom and kitchen where there are no heat vents will be freezing because the cooling will be going crazy trying to keep up with the heat. Yeah…someone designed this house so there is cooling in every room, but heat only in the bedrooms and living room.

Today is apparently my WordPress anniversary…wordpress alerted me to that about an hour and a half ago…I feel like I should celebrate or something…too tired though…plus, I’ve been stuffing my face with snacks and candy and stuff all day trying to stay awake and hold myself over until meal times and really the only way I know how to celebrate is to shove good food in my face…

Have I mentioned how much I hate daylight savings…see, the clock said three, but my stomach said 5 and therefore way past time to eat, so I had a ridiculous amount of snacks and candy trying to wait until a more normal time to eat…also since staying up late is super hard for me, it means that the transition is really hard, because while I don’t bother changing my schedule much when I change time zones, I do for daylight savings since for one, it lasts half a year, and for two, it is hard enough to adapt to a world of night owls as an early bird without becoming an even earlier bird. Going to bed at 7 and getting up at 3 doesn’t work in the real world, and even once I leave this time zone, going to bed at 8 and getting up at 4 isn’t a long term solution—especially considering how many events I already attend that keep me up late. So anyway, even though I am over-tired and crabby for a while, it is better in the longterm for now to change with the clock…just sayin’ that I didn’t sign up to vote this year, and even if I had I wouldn’t be voting for Hillary or Trump, because both of them seem kinda wacked out, (Gary Johnson would have been my vote because he at least is pretty normal and since he doesn’t really have much of a partisan backing he won’t be able to do anything unless it is actually a good idea). If one of them was going to get rid of all these dumb clock changes though, I would make sure I found a way to vote. I hate losing an hour in the spring because I feel cheated out of my study time, but in all honestly, I probably lose more than an hour in the fall because it is so hard for me to adjust to staying up an extra hour later. Actually, I don’t “probably” lose more than an hour, I definitely lose more than an hour. I tried to make the change Saturday night instead of Sunday morning in hopes of being at least marginally more adjusted and less exhausted by Monday, and because I do so poorly with staying up late, I used up most if not all of the hour this morning attempting to sleep in because I was too tired to get up…I still wake up way too early, but now it is even longer to wait before it is a normal waking time…not fun…and since I need about three times as long or so in the morning to make up for staying up late, that is even longer to wait…whoever invented all these clock changes was an idiot.

Anyway, I was reading the back of a bottle of sanitizer and there was a warning that if used on the floor it might be slippery while wet…hahaha…no kidding…

Also, the song “wouldn’t want me” by the wonderful Stephanie Pauline has been on my mind. Such powerful imagery. Also, I drew a really awesome picture of a park bench on my church bulletin this morning. I was really proud of myself and am considering whether I should cut it out and put it in my journal 🙂

I could tell she’d been a beauty as far as beauties go, long before the light had ever left her soul

Hey! Do you want to go to heaven? Do you want to be set free?

She just looked at me and said with a smile, God wouldn’t want me. She thought, God wouldn’t want me.

Maybe God wants me yet.

The Wind is on Your Side

(Little Arrow–Stephanie Pauline)

Since yesterday’s post which I posted this morning was kind of negative, I thought I should probably make sure to post something a little more positive today.

I am doing so much better. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were not wonderful days, but I made it, and am on the other side. In reality, compared to how bad things got a few years ago, that was hardly bad at all—reflection is a good reminder of how far I’ve come. Yeah, they definitely weren’t good days, but they were a lot better than they could have been.

Today I did just fine. Did I use bottled water to wash my hands despite that supposedly being safe? Umm yeah, but it makes no sense to me if I am going to eat with my hands why it is okay to eat with hands that were washed with tap water if it wasn’t okay to eat with a spoon that was washed with tap water…not sayin’, just sayin’. Is it a waste of bottled water? Umm probably, but I needed to hurry up and get my bottom out the door, and over-analyzing the situation wasn’t going to benefit anyone much. It is one of those situations where you just have to realize that your sanity and/or time is worth more than the couple bucks that you supposedly wasted, so it isn’t really wasted.

I woke up plenty early…’cause that’s what I’m good at, but my problem is the actually getting up part. In today’s case, I was very much aware of what time it was but had no desire to get up, because I was tired. My body seems to think that sleep only counts if it is had prior to 5am…so I am exhausted and plan to go to bed early tonight if I can get enough done to feel comfortable with where things stand despite not getting up until 6:30. This is why I avoid staying up late if it is practical. Getting up at 6:30 meant that the entire morning was a race to get everything ready to go for the day, especially since last night I pretty much just got home and collapsed in bed so my stuff was in so semblance of ready for the day or anything.

I won the race and made it to my rotation just in time. Well, actually, I arrived in the parking lot 15 minutes early, but by the time I started walking towards the building, realized I hadn’t locked my car, turned around to go back and lock it, then returned to walking to the building, I arrived in the pharmacy just barely right on time. Luckily my suggested arrival time appeared to assume I would be late, so I still had like 15 minutes to put up yesterday’s post, find a pencil, and spin in my chair a few times waiting for something to do.

So far this rotation, I am learning about patience and trying really hard to sit still for extended periods of time. Good lessons I suppose. I think if I can focus long enough I will be able to enjoy this rotation. I am a little nervous because I have no idea what kind of projects I am going to be working on, and, it seems, neither does my preceptor. I felt like today when I wasn’t in meetings, it was pretty much like being a volunteer again, but luckily I loved being a volunteer, so even though it was activity that even a monkey could be trained to do, I had a reasonably good time doing it.

I try really hard, but I think I am still coming off as a dumb blonde because my lack of communication skills and lack of ability to sit still combined with the fact that I understand most of what is going on around me and therefore don’t have really profound questions to ask means that while I don’t have much assigned to me yet that I end up pretty much in my own little world.

Aside from my current rotation stuff, I am kind of stressed out because I spent many hours filling out forms for my next rotation, and I don’t even know if I did them right because they were so complicated and confusing. Also my next rotation wants me fingerprinted twice. I am a little stressed out about it because I have no idea when or where to go to get it done—and I don’t have a lot of flexibility to do it, nor do I have the luxury of time since they want it ASAP or else…Also, a few years ago when I was fingerprinted the person doing it noted that I didn’t have very good fingerprints…I am afraid that even though visibly I do have better fingerprints now than I did then that my fingerprints still will look a lot older than I am and have to be explained again. I hate the extra attention from having to explain that. I don’t like being different. Lol, for that matter, you don’t want to know the number of times in the past day or so I have screamed at myself that I just want to be like everyone else.

In reality, I think in some ways I am pretty awesome. There are just a few things I don’t like about me—mostly my communication and navigation abilities or lack thereof. And the fact that sitting still and quietly is my arch-nemesis.

Is it bedtime yet? Pretty please?