Category Archives: happy thoughts

Lord I Find You in the Doubt

(Oh how I need you – All Sons and Daughters)

 

This song has been stuck in my head today and I really love it. Admitting need is hard, but this song is a really good reminder that it is okay to be vulnerable. It is okay to admit that we have needs. It is okay to reveal that we are broken and need help putting everything back together…and it is very true. “And to know you is to love you.” I’ve struggled with God these past few months. When life is intensely painful it is hard to understand God as good. It is hard to believe he even exists or cares. I had held on for years of hard things and this was just the last straw where I really didn’t feel like God was good or cared anymore. It felt, to quote Britt Nicole’s song World that Breaks “like life is only pain.” When that is the case, it is so difficult to go on believing. Everyone seems so happy. Everyone has their life figured out…and you are drowning and no one cares. No one sees you as the waves crash high above your head. (Yes, there were people who reached out, and for that I am profoundly grateful, but for the most part, you walk the halls and streets with people who don’t even notice your pain or if they do either shy away or pretend it isn’t there).

 

I have healed a lot, but there are still a lot of moments that are hard. There are a lot of times when I just feel frustrated. And all the people who walked through the worst of it with me are miles away, so now it is even more true that I need God, because he is the only one I have who is still accessible and understands what I’m going through. I do still have moments of doubt – it’s a lot easier to dump out the package of glitter than to get all the glitter back in the package – but I no longer have a totally empty bottle in front of me while I stare at an enormous pile of glitter with nothing but myself to try to clean it up or make it go away. There is a lot further I could go with that analogy, but that wasn’t what I set out to write…

 

Where I am now wasn’t plan A. It wasn’t plan B. It wasn’t even plan Z or plan ZZ…maybe we went through the alphabet three times all the way to ZZZ…I don’t even know anymore. Suffice it to say that a lot of things that should have been exciting have been things I’ve attended or done out of necessity and going through the motions but haven’t really been thrilled. I have been able to experience a few moments of joy or at least calm but the overarching unescapable feeling has been the loss. I’ve frequently been barely surviving day to day when I wanted to be thriving.

 

I desperately longed for death for months…and even now if given the choice I do not think I’d choose to keep living though there’d at least be a question in my mind now. It is hard when you’ve prayed every day for God to take you home and he hasn’t. When you’ve learned that no one wants you and you’re not good enough, not worth it, not going to make it, that feels like the piece de resistance. Even God doesn’t want you. Ouch.

 

Well, at one point in August I was really really trying to make the best of what I had, but was frustrated and told my friend that life was still super hard and it was hard to think it would ever really be okay, but there were three things at least kinda sorta in the realm of possibility that would make life easier…a friend, somewhere to serve, and choosing a church. I saw my friend on Monday. Tuesday I went back to my new home and went to an event at one of the two churches I was still deciding between. I made a new friend, got invited to help serve at an event that was coming up, and I decided that was going to be my church. God was good.

 

Life was getting better slowly and I started considering hope again. Then I packed up some work clothes and went to my parents’ house expecting a phone call from my manager inviting me to come in to process the job title change to pharmacist…and found out instead that I lost my job. I was crushed again. I had been doing so good not crying in front of people, but the tears were pouring down while I was on that call…I was really upset because the one thing I felt like I had left was gone. I was officially losing my coworkers and my job and the place that had started becoming my home in elementary school. Maybe a couple weeks later, still really upset, I told God this place would never feel like home because there were no babies for me here…backstory, I adore small children, particularly the first few weeks of life and at the church I went to at my parents’ house, I spent five hours every Sunday in the nursery. Not necessarily working with infants the whole time, but loving any time I did get with the infants. Well, that day, God brought me into a situation in which I got maybe 2 minutes with a small child. The kid was kind of on the border of really still being an infant, but that time was an amazing reminder that God was still there and still listening even when life was so hard…but at the same time I was thinking if God was going to give me the one thing I exploded about this morning, I wish I could take that back and ask for something about my work situation to improve…I don’t really complain as much about that anymore because it became hopeless and if you put so much energy in and can’t change it, eventually you give up…but anyway, like one or two days later, I hear from my manager that she finally got a position open that I could apply for. God is so good. I was ecstatic!! I was literally jumping up and down once I was alone. I went home that evening and finished that application so fast. I was thrilled!!

And then on Friday October 6th, I got a voicemail from my manager letting me know that she wasn’t able to hire me. I’ve probably written about that already, but I was done with life again, struggling to eat again, not sleeping well again. And burned out on hope – again it seemed like hope was just a way to be hurt more deeply. It wouldn’t have been a big deal to not have the job if I hadn’t known it was a possibility…and it wouldn’t have been such a big deal to find out I didn’t get it if there were any question in my mind whether I would get the job…but in my head, I already was ten steps ahead. In my head I already had this job and finding out I didn’t get it was taking away that lifeline I’d built for myself. It hurt so much and was one more set back in my healing process. I miss my coworkers and my job so bad.

 

But I want to believe in hope again. I want to believe that someday I will be happy again. And if I am being really honest, there is one way in which this extended period of grief has been beneficial. Grief messes with your hormones. The first big hit was in March, and I think since then I have had two or *maybe* three periods, and they have all been super light. That has been a huge blessing. One of the things I had been worried about before all this happened was the difficulty in adequate functioning and the potential embarrassment the first time I was on the first day of a period with new coworkers who barely knew me. I have been sent home early from work when I wasn’t needed, and more than once people have asked if they should call someone from the emergency room to help me, because I have trouble breathing and staying upright and might be non-responsive to people talking to me or waving their hands in my face until I can get enough energy to say something…so not having to deal with that with brand new coworkers is a huge blessing. If I could choose having everything I wanted back or having this, I’m pretty sure I would still choose having everything I wanted back, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t rejoice in the little miracles along the way…and maybe if I’m lucky even after the grief is totally over I’ll get to keep it this way. I could totally dig having only one light period every four months or so…being a girl sucks even aside from the whole being less diverse thing… #firstworldwhitegirlproblems…

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Ready to Smile and Love Life

(Fully Alive – Flyleaf)

 

Grief, loss, and trauma all change you. I will never again be the person I was before, but gradually who I am now becomes a more fully healed person. Oh, I am definitely not saying that I am fully healed, that word “more” is still in there as an indicator that I am better than before but still broken, but it’s a (long, hard) process, not perfection. I have worked hard and come such a long way.

 

God is good. He is not good because I am doing better. He was not not good (pardon the double negative) when I was doing less well. Good is part of God’s being, it is just a lot harder to see and understand when I am on the bottom. Even now I certainly do not understand why God would let my life unfold this way and I really don’t get how a good God who has power wouldn’t have intervened and rescued me from so many hard things I have experienced, but I am learning how to let go of understanding and just cling to the knowledge that God *is* good. God *does* have a plan and has chosen me and will not throw me away.

 

When you are someone like me who worked really hard to be able to use conversational language, it is hard to get past the “fine, good, okay” responses to ‘how are you’ that you have learned from years of observation. Sure, there are occasionally other responses, but when you are building a vocabulary library through imitation, the predominant words and phrases are the ones that you are going to catalog. When you have been in an emotionally abusive counseling relationship in which showing emotion was a way to invite further hurtful interactions, you learn emotion isn’t safe and that takes a long time to unlearn. When your school’s response to the abuse is to punish you because your abuser plays her well-connected princess card to get out of jail free and you are not allowed to talk about the abuse or the punishment and are not allowed to tell anyone you aren’t allowed to talk about it, you work even harder on hiding your heart because if anyone starts to see a glimpse of your pain or starts asking questions about your life you are stuck. You can’t answer and you can’t say why because that stupid piece of paper says you won’t graduate if you do. When you are grieving you don’t want to bring anyone else down and you don’t really have the energy to really reach out anyway. All that leads to a girl who is ready to be known but doesn’t really know how to get past “hello my name is _____ . I work at ______ . It is okay.” Sometimes it really isn’t as okay as I want it to be.

 

Today I long to be back in the city of my school. Yesterday, with no cheating, I was back to 5 pounds away from my goal weight. I am so proud and excited, but I don’t have anyone here to share with. When you barely have told your story, and even when you have it has remained bookended in reassurances that it’s okay, you don’t really create any way to share the successes that to anyone else are either way weird or just normal parts of everyday life. If I were back near school I’d be going to church this evening. Would I have said anything about what’s going on in my life, maybe or maybe not, but there are people there that I might sit next to in silence and just having a close friend right next to me is healing even if words are not exchanged. I have fantasies about just picking everything up and going there on a whim. If I left right now, by the time I got there I bet there’d be at least a few people still hanging out at church, and if I hung out with them a little while then drove all night back here I would be exhausted, but probably not late to work tomorrow. That would not be the greatest idea though, because if none of the people I know were around I would be disappointed, and even if they were, an all-nighter is not something that my body is made for. I dream of just happening to show up in the middle of another work day and getting to be included again. That day this spring is one of the very few times I was able to escape the grief for a while and immerse myself in something enjoyable. By the end of the day I wasn’t just distracted enough to make it through the day, but was really living in a happy inner world…and it is the perfect environment for me because I was objectively helping which feels good for me, and I was surrounded by friends but without the pressure to use my words to interact with them. In the morning I was offered food and pretended to go eat but really just disappeared a couple minutes and came back. By the afternoon, I ate lunch without too much difficulty. At a time when every bite was a success, that is a big deal 🙂

 

It has been a long road. You can’t really ignore the past because it has been so intertwined with the present, but starting from a few months ago, there was not matching in phase I. There was just under a month of hard work and partial recovery when I didn’t match in phase II. Then I lost my job on August 24th…and then almost got it back again but didn’t. Each time I have been pushed underwater again and fought to reach the surface again. I’ve learned to eat because it is the right thing to do even when every bite feels like a marathon, but I’ve also learned grace for when I just can’t. I’ve learned to celebrate the little success when dinner is just apple juice instead of frustratedly seeing the failure of the rest of the meal.

 

Grief isn’t a streamlined journey from point A to point B. Yesterday I was so excited and that joy made me feel on top of the world, ready to just enjoy life as it comes. This morning hasn’t been quite so awesome, but I know that I will do my best and that is enough. God’s love for me isn’t dependent on the number on the scale or on my current mood.. He loves me just as I am.

 

I’ve kinda always put Holley Gerth on a pedestal and didn’t really think she could really get it because she had some hard things but they’d always ended up at the end wrapped in a nice package with a bow. I was listening to her book Fiercehearted this week, and realized that maybe she does get it…”every Christmas song I heard that day felt like a lie, every present I opened seemed empty…I wanted to stop hoping, because hope is what breaks your heart, splits it wide open…and you’re there bare and exposed for everyone to see your loss and disappointment and the cavern of almost abandoned dreams…you want to slip it into the trash and slam the lid forever. But at the end of the day you fall asleep with a stack of tissues by your bed and wake up to hope again tomorrow and if you do this long enough it changes you…it is also not the end.” I guess it is a good reminder that I shouldn’t be so disappointed comparing my middle to someone else’s end.

 

I think I am ready to give hope another chance. I’m not jumping all in yet, but I am ready to dip in a toe…or maybe just a pinky finger.

I won’t give up I refuse

 

(Not gonna die – Skillet)

 

So, I there was something I was going to write about…I can’t remember what it was anymore…yes, I do sometimes write blog posts in my head and then try to remember them to write down later. So I guess I’ll just write about something else and see where it takes me…

 

I decided a few days ago that considering my ability to quote large portions of the Healing Path by Dan Allender, it was time to pick a different audiobook. I picked to re-listen to the Essence of Resilience by Tanya Lauer and Kathleen Parrish. There were a few quotes that stood out to me.

 

The most painful part of any story occurs in the middle – never the end. This is in the introduction of the book. I guess it is probably why this book got listened all the way through this spring and was downloaded again…it is a good reminder that someday the pain will fade. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow or even next week, month, or year, but someday. This doesn’t always feel like a true statement, and I don’t always even want to believe it is true because it feels like too much pressure to heal faster or because even that tiny bit of hope that someday it will be better seems like too much of an invitation to be crushed again. If I am being really honest though, it is true – although life is really painful right now, it is less painful than it was immediately following the loss. And I haven’t given up. I will not give up. I still am working as hard as I can on gaining weight and taking my life back.

 

Hope is having unconditional belief in our self…a bird sitting on a tree is never scared of the branch breaking because its trust is not in the branch but in its own wings…the experience of trauma includes feeling trapped, inert, and powerless. Sometimes there is nowhere to turn and no one to turn to…Hope can become a lifeline…there are times when hope seems unattainable. Well, that pretty much sums up why I need to learn how to hope again even though it seems like that is just opening myself up for further hurt. Hope is terrifying. Hope is believing in our own strength – but our strength is what we felt was taken away in trauma, so I guess it is understandable that hoping again is a challenge. For me, hoping means believing someday someone will want me – even though I did everything in my power and was faced with mountains of rejection this year. It is believing that the words and feelings thrown at me by certain someone are not true assessments of my worth but rather were intended to bring me down and it is letting her win to continue to feel that way. Not that it is a contest.

 

Speaking of certain someone, I am struggling with forgiveness. I realized that I don’t really know what forgiveness means. I want to forgive, but I don’t really know what that entails. Some say it means forgetting as if it never happened. People far smarter than me on the internet agree that it is neither important nor advisable to forget the pain of abuse. Our culture sometimes links forgiveness with accepting the other’s actions as admissible. But sometimes what we need to forgive is an action or a pattern of behavior that is completely inadmissible and it would be doing neither party a favor to consider it okay. Conflict avoidance feels good in the short term, but is destructive in the long term. But empty words of forgiveness are also not the goal, so what is really behind that word?

 

Resilience is found in the intersection between pain and hope…you may think that you are not resilient and that you don’t have the capacity to recover. Perhaps you’ve been lost…for a long time…you may feel that you are broken or that you have no value. Those beliefs are only manifestations of the trauma and do not reflect the truth about you. If you survived trauma, you have resilience. You have resilience because you survived and because you are searching for something to heal your wounds. Accept your resilience as a fact and embrace your strength. Wow. Another one that really hit me with a bucket of truth. The intersection of pain and hope. Hope is exactly what I have been terrified to hold as I tried to run from the pain. Hope seemed (seems) like a butterfly net, catching me and holding me closer to the pain that I long to escape…and I do feel like I can’t really recover. It has felt hopeless for a long time. When you are so deep down in grief, yet cannot trust anyone for a hand up, it is really difficult, Trust is hard following abuse. Whereas a natural response is for people to suggest turning to mental health professionals, when much of your trauma came from a mental health “professional,” engaging with that field becomes more painful than ignoring it, and can be dangerous. Should I eventually figure out how to disengage that automatic response, yes, certainly, but right now I think it is more adaptive to recognize it as a self-protective mechanism and pride myself for my preservation instincts. When I am doing better, I am considering how I can safely process through that fear and do some safety-learning to adopt a more normal response, but right now, survival is priority number one, and I don’t have the energy to spare to do everything at once, so that is something that will continue to simmer on the back burner. It isn’t an emergency. That aspect of the pain didn’t enter my life overnight and won’t leave overnight either. It was something I was immersed in deeply for a long time and lived with for years, so clearly even if I was ready to tackle it head on, it wouldn’t be realistic to expect it to end like blowing out a candle, rather it will likely end more like a trick candle or the deepest embers of a long-burning fire that just when you think it is out for good starts to burn again. Feeling broken and worthless were taught to me, and I think they are things that are a lot easier to learn than to un-learn. God has placed some wonderful people in my life to help me try to re-build and see some value in myself, but my worthlessness is so deeply rooted in my belief about myself that it is like building a home during an earthquake. Creating a structurally sound dwelling is nearly impossible and the walls keep crashing back down.

 

That last part is really the key. I survived. Third year, because of what was going on, I at one point described myself as leaning against a fence separating life from death, unsure whether the fence could hold my weight, but not fully sure I cared. I think what I meant by this was while certainly not in any acute danger, and pretty sure I was in a safe place, I didn’t have concerns about staying safe not because I was so clearly safe but because I didn’t really know if I wanted to stay alive or die. That summer, when everything exploded, I crossed the line and walked into the realm of no longer feeling there was any reason for me to be alive. I was not actively suicidal…for that matter I wasn’t really active at all. I spent all day laying flat on the floor in front of my laptop. While usually even being on the laptop put the “activ” in activity, my emotional deadness translated to physical deadness as if my body was weighted down with heavy magnets, pulling me down. I may not have had any interest in killing myself, but for the first time, I really knew I wanted to die, because it seemed from my perspective that I had nothing left to live for and it would be easier for everyone if I was dead. I didn’t think anyone would miss me. But I am still alive. I made it through and even experienced joy again. And after failing to match, I began to pray for God to take me home. I stopped for a while, but with the most recent blow started again…but God has kept me here and like it or not I am still alive. I have made it day by day. I have survived some really hard things and I guess maybe that does show resilience. I am strong. I am brave. I will not give up. I will continue to work towards recovery. And I am working towards recovery. Today, without cheating, I was five pounds away from my goal…yes, I will admit that sometimes I cheat. If  am afraid the number is going to be too low and I don’t want to deal with that, I have no problem with picking up a pile of dirty clothes or soaking a towel and holding it to add weight. I figure it is aiding my mental health even if it is not helping my physical health. I don’t consider it cheating to water load or stuff like that, because for a while getting water in my mouth was a major struggle, so if I am drowning myself in water to see a higher number then at least there is water entering my body.

 

Speaking of eating and drinking, a few days ago one of my friends encouraged me to order a caffeine free pumpkin spice drink if it was on the online menu even if it wasn’t on the menu in the store. I am so proud of myself for doing it!! The pumpkin pie coffeeless cooler from Caribou is so amazing!!!!! It looks absolutely nothing like the picture on the website, in fact, it looks nearly identical to Starbucks’ vanilla bean crème frappuccino, but it literally tastes like pumpkin pie in liquid form (without the crust, which is also awesome, because except for like graham cracker or cookie crusts, my opinion of pie crusts is that they are kind of a bummer). I was delighted!! With my quiet personality I wouldn’t have said anything if it was missing the pumpkin flavoring…and I might not have even said anything if it was accidentally made with coffee, so I was really excited to have a pumpkin flavored drink that was safe for me to drink!

 

Wanna know something else fall themed? The tree picture at the beginning of the post! It looks SOOO much better in person than on my cell phone pictures, but the colors are just incredible in real life.

 

You wanna know what else is incredible? My friends :). But I learned this week that trying to fit in and being open to making friends with every single person regardless of whether they realistically could be a good friend for me is not always the right option. I am awful at saying no. I am super passive…and so I realized that there were some people I was halfway friends with that were making me feel frustrated and annoyed rather than feeling good about having friends. It isn’t anything against them, just that there was a mismatch in interests and personalities that led to a disconnect that didn’t make me happy. I decided that it is hard enough work to make friends that it doesn’t make sense to force myself into a round hole when I am a square peg. Everyone knows from the traditional children’s shape sorter activity that the square hole is the biggest and the square, circle, and rectangle all fit through the square hole, so trying to fit anything except the circle into the circle hole isn’t going to work. You can put anything in the square hole, so really it is the most useful hole and I need to stop seeking out that round hole that is evidently too small.

 

‘kay, one more thing. Someone was talking about if you could choose five songs to listen to before you died, what would they be. Knowing me, you probably wouldn’t be surprised that the first song I thought of was Not gonna die – skillet…and then Breathin’ to Death – LeCrae. After that it took a little more thought. In case my death was maybe something preventable, I thought perhaps Another one Bites the Dust would be a good one because that one helps you do CPR correctly…although I don’t actually really know that song so maybe another one rides the bus by Weird Al would be better…then in case it was a gun-related incident with bystanders who could intervene, Take the Bullets Away – Lacey Sturm. So now I was down to needing one more song. Umm…Never be Rested – Josh Stearns?? Because if you are dead you’ll never be rested?? I have no idea…that fifth song was pretty much where I got stuck. So…what songs would you choose before you died?

I was ruined by the world but I blamed it on the Son

(Take the bullets away – We As Human)

 

I absolutely love this song…I found when I was pretty close to the bottom, and it was a good empathetic cry song. Now I adore it because it is also SO hopeful. I was resistant to the hopeful message at first because from my perspective, hoping was just a way to be hurt more deeply. It felt safer and less painful to separate myself inasmuch as possible from hope. Now I am ready to slowly give hope a chance again. It is scary, but I think it is good and necessary. Being hopeless is also difficult.

 

I also really connect to the screamed demand in the refrain “Take the bullets away.” Once a bullet is shot it cannot be taken back. It cannot change course. The pain cannot be simply ended. Yet I ask God and pray that he will take it away. I so badly want to go back in time to that Friday in March and open my email to something that doesn’t hurt so much. I want my dreams back. I want hope back. I think it would cause more problems than it would solve for me to die right now, so I am no longer praying every day for God to take me home, but I so desperately long for God to come back so that I can leave this place of pain. But I can’t have what I want. The train left the station without me leaving behind only my now impossible desires and plans. I know God works all things to his glory, but I don’t understand how putting me in this place could ever be for his glory. How could the deep pain of loss work for good? How could rejection be his plan? How could completely severing all ties connecting me to my dreams be something he allowed to happen? I feel so hopeless, helpless, frustrated, and alone.

 

Today in my frustration I screamed that maybe God doesn’t even want me to pray. Maybe God really doesn’t want me. I know it is really bad to think that and totally not the Sunday morning Christian thing to admit it, but y’all know I’ve never really been very competent at playing the social game and believe that sometimes it is okay to just be myself. So what prompted this outburst besides just the grief that I can’t outrun? Well…I was listening to the VBS tape “Treasure Hunt Sing and Play” and had just flipped the tape over to side 2. The first song on that side is “Let us Pray.” (Let us pray let us pray, everywhere and everyway. Every moment of the day it is the right time. For the father above, he is listening in love and he wants to answer us so let us pray). Except it only got a couple lines in when it suddenly stopped. At first I thought maybe something had accidentally gotten recorded over the top of the tape or something, but when nothing was happening a few minutes later I investigated further and this is what I found:

20170820_155002.jpg

 

Yep, it’s broken. And I got frustrated. Sometimes it seems like everything I want gets taken away from me.

 

But I need to believe that God cares. I need to believe that he loves me and has power to work his plans in my life. He really has done a lot even though I still really hurt. Maybe I do still cry more days than I don’t, but most of the time now after a couple minutes I can calm down and be okay. And last week I was writing about how I wanted three things that logically shouldn’t be THAT big of a deal, but seemed just as impossible as everything else in life. Those three things were a decision on a church to attend, a friend in or near the city in which I live, and an opportunity to serve. I am now 97% sure I have chosen a church. I kinda sorta have a friend and I don’t think I am just her little charity project. I had an opportunity to serve. It might have only been a couple hours rather than a continuing relationship like I’ve had elsewhere, but considering God did all those things that seemed so overwhelming in a week, I can’t be too picky about how he did it. I am so thankful for what he did do even though it is super easy to see all that he didn’t do.

 

I am definitely still struggling and two hours on a Saturday of almost fitting in isn’t really enough to totally eliminate loneliness from my life and certainly doesn’t fix the grief, but when you are fighting to get through every day, sometimes even the littlest things can seem really big. A kind word on a hard day can make an enormous difference. Also, today I saw a baby who I would approximate at around 6-9 weeks old. Super adorable. Although I longed to hold her, even just getting a chance to see her made my heart feel good. Birth to 3 months is really my most favorite age, especially the first few days and weeks of life. I would love if someone wanted to share their infant with me. I super miss my infants in the nursery.

My aching heart tries to hang the stars alone

(Renovate – Christa Wells)

 

Linkup from: http://holleygerth.com/setting-down/ on traveling light

 

Recently I saw a post about waiting until 8th grade to give kids a cell phone and heard about it on the radio too. That seemed crazy to me. What in the world does an eighth grader need with a cell phone? They go to school…which is equipped with phones, generally with at least one or two dedicated solely to student use. They go to friends’ houses and their friends’ parents should either call when the kid is ready for a ride home, or show the kid where a phone is to make the call. They go to sports practices where there is a definite end point where the parent should show up to pick them up or if there is an emergency the coach can call for help. Until someone is driving alone frequently there really is no need for a phone…I know I am not exactly typical in terms of my communication skills and preferences – yesterday I forgot my phone at my apartment all day (7:30am to 11pm) and I really didn’t miss it…but either way I have always used observation of other people communicating to learn how to do it, and via observation I know that a phone isn’t really useful earlier than driving…I kinda wanted one sooner, but my reason for wanting it was really more of an avoidance of communication than a desire for communication. I thought maybe if I had my own phone I wouldn’t ever have to answer any other phone and I could talk on the phone at school without anyone looking at me.

 

There are a lot of things I don’t really need…lol, I travel light. When I go somewhere overnight, all I really need is clean clothes for the morning, a toothbrush and toothpaste, shampoo and conditioner…the deodorant that stays in my car…and my laptop (and usually my phone if I remember and maybe my journal)…

 

But I don’t need to do it on my own. Monday I was crying and stopped to rollerblade because I needed a break (and I was smart enough to not go up any hills I wouldn’t be able to get back down…yay!!). Tuesday I was writing about how in addition to the grief itself I was struggling because I didn’t have any friends or community or anything within an hour of where I lived…Then later on Tuesday God finally brought me some community. It is amazing how two people taking at least a little interest in including me can make such a big difference. I am not yet ready to share with them about what is going on in my life, but having someone include me meant so much to me. It was exciting.

 

There are lots of other things going on in life right now, but there was at least a couple really awesome positives in my week. (Other one was seeing my super awesome amazing incredible best friend who is the best thing that ever happened to me).

 

Hey Girl in the Back of the Classroom, JUST BE STRONG

(Better – Britt Nicole)

So yeah, like I mentioned before, being still alive at the end of the day on June 30th was really hard. That had been a defined endpoint to work towards and even though I knew that God says no a lot and probably would say no, losing that was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Every remnant of hope was once again lost. It was a bit of a setback. There no longer seems like there is any way out and that is hard.

 

I hit a dead end. It is hard to let go of long-held dreams. There is truly no way to fully get my life back on track and that is really hard and frustrating. I worked so hard for so long for something that I can’t have.

 

But God hasn’t put a period at the end of the sentence. There continue to be secondary losses and hard times, but I have to believe that someday life will be less difficult and less painful.

 

Even with no hope and no end in sight, I am still working really hard at recovering and making the most out of the rubble. Slowly, life is getting easier. I’ve had to let go of my forever dream of working in pediatric critical care probably NICU or maybe emergency at a dedicated pediatric institution. I’ve had to let go of a lot of friendships. I’ve shed a lot of tears. I might have failed, but God doesn’t see me as a failure. God sees my success. I am eating okayish now. I am sleeping more than a couple hours at night. As a driver I am less often on the relying on other people to keep me safe and more on the watching out for everyone else side.

 

I still feel a profound sense of loss and there are still days that are so incredibly difficult, but gradually I am more and more able to experience little glimmers of joy sparkling underneath the heavy blanket woven of pain and sorrow that has been covering me.

 

People say that you should only own things that bring you joy and not own things that make you sad or don’t elicit any emotional response. I think that is dumb because by that logic I shouldn’t own a toothbrush and toothpaste because brushing my teeth is most definitely not fun and at times in my life has been downright overwhelming. I am willing to admit that when the OCD was at its worst, there were significant periods of time I didn’t brush my teeth because it was too scary. Anyway, most residency related stuff has been thrown in the recycle (with a few perfectly good books going to the goodwill)…and as I was sorting through piles of things, I found a thank you note that every time I come across makes me feel a surge of anger. I wrote a physical thank you note to every place I interviewed in person in phase I. One of the places rejected the note without even opening it and sent it back to me. It showed up at my house again about a month or so later. It wasn’t a place I was super thrilled about so at the time it was frustrating but not a huge deal because if they didn’t want me then I didn’t want them and I had no reason to believe I wasn’t going to be selected for a job I’d love more than that one anyway. It wasn’t until I was rejected from every job to which I applied that I was angry. I spent a considerable amount of time, money, and effort to apply for and interview for that job. If you disliked me enough to not even read my thank you note then you should have let go and cut my losses before dragging me out to an interview. I poured my heart and soul into phase I and was treated like a child’s toy, played with and then discarded without a glance behind. Everyone has always told me how much of a community the world of pharmacy is with everyone supporting each other. Instead, it feels like everyone is against me. Sure, there are some pharmacists who care about me, but they seem to be outnumbered by the ones who don’t really care. Whether you liked me enough to hire me or not, I would appreciate a response to my emails even just to say sorry not interested, especially if I am following up after already submitting my application. I think that is a respect thing. I might not be a good communicator, but I am a real live human who deserves respect.

 

On the other hand, there have been some really caring people in my life, primarily outside of the pharmacy setting. Life hurts so much, but over the past few months I have been shown more love than I ever could feel worthy of. I am so thankful for people who have been willing to enter into my life and love on me when I had minimal to no ability to give anything back. People have cared about me while I was hurting so much that they were at risk of becoming collateral damage. Despite the penetrating loneliness and isolation of grief, people have shown me that I am never really alone. They could have given up on me and ignored my pain, but people have chosen to love me way more than I deserve.

 

Making friends isn’t my forte and neither is letting people in, but the people I do have in my life have gone way beyond the call of duty to show that they accept the itty bitty approximations that I attempt.

 

With time to cool off and think, I have come up with a new way to soften the blow. I am ready for God to come back. Yeah, I know it isn’t the ideal solution for me to be thinking about, but even that solution didn’t seem like an option originally and if making that feel like an option is able to give me a less hopeless existence then I am pleased. God coming back would mean that there wouldn’t be any loose ends to worry about because no one would be left trying to tie them up…plus it means immediate heaven, and I definitely believe that heaven is a place where the pain of my earthly existence will melt away and I will be purely joyful.

 

So realistically, I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I do have one career-related dream left that isn’t AS impossible anymore, but I know it is not a great idea…I had only wanted one thing since early elementary school…until second year when my counselor (the good one, not the abusive one) challenged me to come up with something I could do if I wasn’t able to be a pharmacist. The other thing I want to do is be a social worker and work with kids. I’m not even totally sure what a social worker does outside of clinical social workers who do counseling…I think at the time I made the decision I had just watched a video on the internet where a person identified as a social worker was hugging a child and that sounded good to me. I know the phrase social worker is used in the foster care system and I am kinda interested in fostering. Also, on the counseling side, I have loved my psych classes, so I mean maybe it is a fit, but I see myself very quickly running into the same roadblock in social work as I have in pharmacy – who is going to want to take a risk on a girl who is way behind on learning communication skills? In fact, that is probably a field in which my lack of skills might be even more apparent and more likely to interfere with my potential for success…but maybe that is a field where the studying and training might actually teach me how to communicate…and working with kids doesn’t need to involve a lot of words. I mean, I really think some of why I am so skilled at calming kids is because I don’t usually start with the same method as everyone else of trying to talk to the kid until they can’t help but respond…I now do have enough communication ability to use that method if I am running low on options, but I start with physical comfort, distraction, and parallel play before I jump to that option.

 

I am still alive. I am still hurting, but I am not defeated. I will keep fighting until either God ends the fight by coming back to Earth or I come out on top and am able to spend much of most days happy. I am strong. I might have been dealt a lousy hand, but I am still playing the game.

sanity

Also, I’m not sure what happened to my other results, because I know I have taken this quiz a zillion times before, but it is pretty incredible to see how my score has moved from the edge where you just about as insane as it gets to where I am now hovering around the “average” score. The bottom score is from when I was in an active “relationship” with my abuser (aka, before everything blew up and the abuse became public). The middle is from when I was about three months from phase I, so around 2 months from phase II and was still actively grieving. The last one is from a few days ago…I am certainly still grieving, but it isn’t affecting me as severely. The physical effects of the grief are significantly better, and emotionally I am sometimes making it through entire days without tears. I like taking quizzes…that’s why before the MMPI as removed from the internet I took it a ridiculous number of times…at first trying to approximate my original answers because my counselor at the time never talked about it after I finished it, and then just with who I really saw myself as at that particular moment in time…

 

I may have almost cried in Panera last week because I couldn’t find on their menu the item I always order for actual meals at panera (vs just snacks), but that is possibly a good thing…it means that I cared enough…and I definitely did not have the bravery right then to try ordering something they might not have…

 

And I almost cried at the Honda dealership when my email dinged with a notification that I didn’t get the position I interviewed for in Bemidji, MN. I know I currently have a full-time job and should be thankful, but so far I’m kinda bored because the parts of my position I’ve been shown are kinda easy and brainless for me…and even if I didn’t want the job, rejection hurts. I’m hoping it gets better where I am and I hope that as the position gets better that maybe it will help decrease the pain of loss and soften the blows of the secondary losses. Like this one blog post I read recently said, wasn’t one loss enough?! But loss never stops at the primary loss; it always leads to some kind of secondary loss whether relatively minor like loss of a routine that you kinda wanted to change anyway or more major like loss of sense of safety…there are so many things that continue to come up as further losses. It is hard to put into words how much it still hurts and how these secondary losses continue to rub salt into the still very raw wounds, but I have to believe that God can and God will heal the wounds somehow whether I have to keep waiting for more time to run its course or whether the world ends and I get to go to heaven. Someday, somehow life won’t be so hard. I think. I just want to let go and drown. Sometimes I wonder if maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to stop fighting and just let myself stop eating when I don’t want to and end up malnourished in the hospital where maybe I’d have enough disruption in my life in a different way to shock my body and mind into not hurting about this loss anymore and even if that didn’t happen at least I’d be with someone 24/7 who was paid to at least pretend to care and would never be alone.

 

I’m still holding on and know that is a bad idea, but it is hard when there is no end in sight and no visible hope. As much as I really WANT to enjoy this position, I can’t force myself to like it. To really enjoy my position I think I would need to either feel challenged, be able to stay busy, or be passionate about what I am doing. I think I probably don’t need all of those things – maybe just one would be enough – but right now I don’t have any. What I do have right now is that I do feel at least mostly wanted, but that is very confusing. I don’t understand why this position for which my qualifications certainly did not make me an ideal candidate wanted me when no one else wanted me. Other places where I was much more qualified for the offered position turned me down. The other problem is that being wanted is great, but I would prefer to have a sense of being needed. Even if no one really realizes what I am doing and doesn’t know how much they need me, I feel fulfilled when I feel useful. That is also not happening. I feel like I do a lot of sitting around waiting for something to do…and because I am in training and therefore always paired with someone else, I don’t really feel like what I am doing is worthwhile because if I am doing something then the person I am paired with is just sitting there watching me…the other problem with this job is that everyone is sick…a lot of them it sounds like with real sickness like vomiting and strep throat sick. I am doing amazingly well considering the circumstances, but that also doesn’t make the transition easier or make me look forward to showing up in the morning.

 

I really want to like this job, but I am still counting down the minutes every day until I can leave and thinking about how long I might be stuck here. I really think that if nothing changes then I am going to need to find some way to get back to my dreams. There is talk of perhaps adding an emergency department pharmacist and if that happened and I could get into the position maybe I could stay a little longer, but that addition if it even happens is likely years into the future and even when it does, the chances of being selected as someone with no formal training is very slim. But so are my chances of getting anywhere else. Without going directly into a residency from school it will be even more difficult now to get into a residency, and without a residency even decades of experience is often considered irrelevant. No one wants a pediatric pharmacist without a residency and no one wants a critical care/emergency pharmacist without a residency, and I want into the very crevice of those two specialties; I want either NICU in a dedicated pediatric institution preferably with a mother-baby partnership, or pediatric emergency in a level one pediatric trauma center in a dedicated pediatric institution. I don’t know how I can break into that field, but I do know that right now it feels like I will never be happy again and never really work past this smothering grief without a change. I can’t keep living this way forever with the feeling that weights are strapped onto my mind and body weighing every part of me down.

image

I found this image that sort of explains what life has been like. That person is in the middle of the ocean, attempting to stay afloat, but a very heavy animal is standing on the person’s body, and there is a hand under the water also pulling the person down. Yet the person must stay above water to breath. Forward progress, while necessary, is not the focus. The focus is just staying above water. While getting to shore would make this better, it is a difficult proposal when just staying above water is so challenging…this image and explanation I hope explains to more than just me what life has been like and why I have been such a lousy friend and very likely may seem to not really be trying hard enough to recover. I am trying…but most of my energy out of necessity has gone into staying above water.

 

I don’t want to be a debbie downer though. I feel really bad that I continue to be so negative. I really am functioning a lot better than at first. I am back to being a little more dehydrated than I should be, but I am trying really hard. Although thinks are still really difficult, they are significantly better than they were a few months ago. While it is easy to look at where I am now and think that I should try harder or that I should be further than I am by now, I think (hope?) that where I am is understandable and put into perspective by where I came from. Sure, I am not rocking it at eating, but I am for the most part having three somewhat balanced meals every day. Much better than the solitary chicken strip and strawberry that could very well have somehow been considered breakfast lunch and dinner in the early days…and far better than the less than a handful of cereal and a couple sips of water that passed my lips on the second match day when in retrospect I really was doing a lot worse than I even let on which is scary considering how much emotion spilled through the mask I was trying to put on. I hid as much as I could, but it is really by God’s grace that I didn’t get into any car accidents. At the time I was driving to school for that last rotation I was pretty upset and driving through tears that were certainly not being adequately replaced by the miniscule amount of water I drank…and when the second phase came around I honestly don’t even know how I got from point A to point B. I could barely see where I was going. I certainly couldn’t think. It took everything I had in me to remember how to stop and start and not run into anything and really I totally would have run into other cars if they hadn’t been doing a good job of avoiding me. If anyone really knew what was going on I would have most likely ended up in a locked behavioral health unit because I know how I was living was threatening the safety of myself and others. I am so lucky and so thankful that no one knew what life was like. Now I am able to be mostly back to my usual self, giving other people plenty of space on the road and sometimes being a little too considerate in my driving (yes I am that jerk who feels bad for people waiting to turn and will stop so that people who have been patiently waiting at a not-four-way-stop sign can have a turn…). I actually slept reasonably well the past few nights – still not back to normal sleep, but sleeping hours at a time rather than minutes is a huge improvement. I still have a long way to go, but I am super thankful for all the way I have already come. I am so so thankful for the people who have helped me get this far. I don’t even know how to express how deeply I appreciate the people in my life who have been supporting me through this. I would very much like a support system where I am right now, but I wouldn’t be able to function as well as I am right now without one if I didn’t have all the people at school and back home who have poured so much into me.

 

And now it is time to stop writing because I haven’t been doing a very good job of studying and in six days at this time I will be getting ready for bed in a different city so that I can be ready to take the NAPLEX in the morning that I am not feeling ready for…that is an expensive test to fail…prayer appreciated 🙂

I’ve tasted hopelessness. I know what heartache is…I’ve lived through brokenness…but all that matters is that I matter to you

(Colton Dixon – All That Matters)

 

It is super easy to see lots of problems in my life…but this evening I have also felt a lot of gratitude. People have reached out to me and made me feel like I mattered. Being around people is super helpful for me. I don’t necessarily need to talk, in fact sometimes I can’t talk, but presence is such a huge gift to me. Presence is so healing.

 

I can be annoyed that my car turned into like a sauna because my dress and other articles of clothing that couldn’t go in the dryer were laid out in the car…in addition to the moisture left over from Friday afternoon, or I can be thankful that I have clean laundry.

 

I can be frustrated that it was about to start raining again so I couldn’t air out my car long enough to really get the insane humidity to go away, or I can be thankful I recognized in time that the rain was about to come down really hard and got the doors closed and myself inside before I was soaked.

 

I can berate myself for not having the ability to ask anyone if I can sit with them this evening, or I can be thankful that the majority of the time now that isn’t a problem and recognize that once there are fewer things adding to my overwhelm, I will probably quickly regain consistency in that skill.

 

I can be disappointed in myself that I almost cried in church in front of people, or I can be super grateful that I pushed it away before it happened…even if it was probably noticeable to the people I was talking with that I was a lot less okay than my words said I was.

 

I can be annoyed that it is raining while I am trying to move in, or I can be thankful for the fact that a cart was available that allowed me to get all my stuff to my room in only a couple quick trips which meant I ended up a lot less soaked than when I got home yesterday…yesterday’s shoes have had plenty of paper towels in them and still are soaked and now that I packed them in a plastic bag in my car all day kinda stink…

 

I can be frustrated that being the first person to move into my room means there is no one to help me raise the height of my bed before putting the sheets on and no one to talk me down when I am getting really frustrated because bed-making is not one of my skills, or I can be happy that I get to pick which bed I want and that at least for this first night I’ll get to use my music to fall asleep and can sleep with the light on if I want to…lol…apparently the outlets in this room aren’t shaped right for my nightlight. It does work on battery, but it seems easier to just leave the lights on and call it a day…Probably I should unpack…but I think Imma just go to bed and do that tomorrow…and I gotta do more applying…and try to figure out how to back up my computer…

 

Good lyrics of the day:

I should follow the word but I guess I’d rather be murdered. Excuse me I mean martyred ’cause I’m killin’ myself. My sin conceived a baby, and we gon’ name her death. Breath taken. She takes my breath away. Replaces it with poison. (Killa – Lecrae)

There are days when I’m okay

(Courage – Superchic[k])

Okay, so maybe not days, maybe only moments…and maybe only okay by my standards of still having a heart pumping oxygenated blood around my body, but there are some good reasons to be proud.

At like the middle of the night (which is actually more like early this morning) when I was using up the last 7% of my phone battery life without texting people in the middle of the night because that is rude to wake people up in case they have their ringtone turned on (not that I don’t forget sometimes…sincere apologies to those I have texted while sleeping), I found this really awesome article on the internet of things to say to answer how are you…

  1. I’m awesome from the ankles down (not true of me though…my right ankle is sore…like always happens when I’m stressed out ever since I fell on it in ninth grade and didn’t tell anyone even though it was bruised for over 3 months)
  2. I didn’t read my name in the obituaries today, so I figure I’m not too bad. (yep, it is important to read the obituaries when you get a chance to make sure you didn’t die and nobody told you).
  3. Good, but I’ll get over it (kinda true…I pretty much always answer with good, fine, or okay, regardless of what is actually going on…but eventually the mask will wear off, probably when I’m alone, and I won’t be okay anymore)
  4. I hear good things, but you should never trust rumors (Lol…which reminds me that I love being a Christian because Christians care about each other, but I don’t like the gossip disguised as a prayer request).
  5. My lawyer says I don’t have to answer that question!! (I don’t have a lawyer, but if I did, I would love to use this and see what people say).

I am so proud of me!! If I weren’t in class constantly yesterday I would have been giving myself so many high fives!!

First instead of the Dominos I was expecting, there was Panda Express. I am not a fan of change. Eating is already hard, so changing the food I am going to have to try to get in my mouth can be challenging. That could very easily have pushed me into the absolutely not category of eating…which would have been a problem since all there is in my lunchbox is candy, a hot chocolate mix packet, and an egg. (Yeah, I know, that still isn’t an appropriate dinner…but this week is stressful enough without worrying about nutrition. I finally am at least usually moderately interested in candy now, so right now I’m working on calories this week and next week will go back to nutrition that doesn’t rely on multivitamins).

Then everyone agreed I should go first because I was presenting. And everyone was watching me and encouraging me to take more. God did good in this circumstance by making me a people pleaser. I ended up with a full plate of Panda Express and the whole thing was eaten. If I had been with friends or in some other socially appropriate situation, I would have been so thrilled I would have been making my excited gestures and maybe happy-screaming. Yep, this girl who has been struggling to get through half a snack pack of crackers and a teeny container of peanut butter for dinner Monday night ate an entire plate of Panda Express!! So proud!!

And I finished my whole entire water bottle by 2pm!! And by the end of the day I’d had probably almost 5 cups of water! Words seem insufficient to describe the pride that I have for myself about that. Way back when this started I decided that the rules were 2 cups of fluids every day, and if I am being honest, I try really hard to meet the rules I set for myself, but they aren’t as important to me as the rules that other people make, so I didn’t necessarily always hit the 2 cup mark…in fact I can think of at least one day I barely hit the 2 ounce mark…

I am so proud!!

Although I was proud a little too soon about getting six hours of sleep…I was back down to three last night…but on the positive side, the sleep part of the time was more restful than it has been and I didn’t get up this morning feeling immediately like it was time to go back to bed, so there’s that.

Also, I would totally be an ambulance chaser if that were a real job. Today I saw a firetruck and an ambulance. They were a block away from where I was. I really really wanted to go see what was up. I didn’t primarily because if I drove over there I might get lost because I don’t have directions from some random corner to school…but I did try really hard to see what was going on as I turned left and almost forgot for too long that driving requires facing forward…lol…I couldn’t see anything because it was too far away…that was kinda sad…except I am smart enough to recognize that crowd control is kinda important in emergencies so it would not have been appreciated if any extra people stopped to gawk…

Also, I have awesome friends. Part of me says to be safe it is better to keep other people out, but the other part of me says that it is not good for girl to be alone. My friends are like my oxygen mask. I hold my breath counting down the minutes until the flow is turned on to let me breathe again. I am an extremely introverted extravert. I need people, I just don’t know how to find them.

And so to have a silver lining there must be clouds

(Every Cloud has a Silver Lining – Thomas and Friends)

I am sorry for being such a Debbie Downer. It is okay to be sad, but I shouldn’t bring everyone else down with me.

So let’s talk about all the good things.

Passover was not as scary as it seemed. I don’t like horseradish and apples, but I liked the other things. And strawberries are awesome.

I have incredible friends. Friends who care about me a lot. I might be really good at talking myself in circles, but stick a good friend into the middle and suddenly I am breaking free of the cycle and can come up with enough logical thought to (for example yesterday) figure out how all my needs can work together safely. I have friends who very obviously have more important things to do who will take the time to talk with me.

I have somewhere to live the whole time I am in this state. That is awesome!

I was starting to get crabby last night and said I didn’t like politics because it is just a bunch of people whining or yelling at each other about how stupid other people are. Luckily, the people I was talking with were like yeah, (insert name here) does that a lot…they didn’t realize I was pretty much talking about them at the moment. Yep, I am very protective, so I don’t like when people say hurtful things about other people even if the other people probs won’t find out.

My stats on my blog went way up last night…that usually means the bad people are back…but I have a choice; I can either be upset that they are back and thus limiting what I can say, or I can be thrilled that I am currently being successful!! Might as well choose being thrilled…’cause I mean, I probably should be careful ALL the time anyway…

I can be frustrated that my journal and Bible and pens are most likely at church since I couldn’t find them anywhere else…or I can be thrilled that in the process of looking for them I found a metal butter knife in one of my boxes that I didn’t know that I had. Metal knives are better at getting lemonade mix out of the container without making a mess. Plus, now I could show up with just my keys and have everything I needed next week (although a new pen color would be helpful it would certainly not be necessary)…

I woke up at 2 this morning, which as a stand alone fact is not good, but in context, it is great. Two is the time I woke up for water before, and that is what I wanted this morning. At baseline I would have gone back to sleep after water time, but even just that the timing of the water break lines up with “normal” times seems like a positive sign.

And now I really need to comb my hair and find some socks and pack up my stuff and bring myself to school…and then hurry up and get some words in the boxes on my assignment so if I am asked about progress it doesn’t look like I did basically nothing but look for the most awesome picture of the little mermaid and smokey the bear for my project…’cause I think my preceptor cares a little more about the words on the page than the pretty pictures…

Try to put the pieces together

(Free to be Me – Francesca Battistelli)

That title seemed fitting because this post is a bunch of random thoughts that don’t really fit together…but writing even just seemingly random thoughts helps clear my brain space to be able to think logically enough and sit still enough to write more than three words without getting distracted and doing something else in the middle…it helps a lot in coherency of my homework.

This is good because as I worked on my homework this morning it is extremely obvious that I am a morning person and also which parts I worked on in the morning versus later in the day…the questions, answers and explanations make sense and then suddenly partway through the page the grammar and logic seem to just vaporize and disappear…

I think I finally put into words the lesson I learned through the issues at school: Just because hurt people hurt people doesn’t mean that loved people love people. I can’t love people out of hurting me. I shouldn’t protect people who are hurting me to create a safe place so that they’ll be nice. It won’t work. But I still feel the guilt and shame that I should have been able to fix it. I mean, yeah, in retrospect I should have stopped loving and started tattling and gotten out of the relationship, but the fact that I care too much about protecting that person to create a no doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. It just means that as an adolescent with a not fully developed brain I didn’t yet have the capacity to fix it myself nor did I have the capacity to share enough hints that the other adults in the situation had enough to have reasonably figured out what was happening…if I hadn’t been the unpaid secretary helping students when they were super frustrated maybe someone would have gone to someone who could have changed things. So maybe it is my fault that this still happens. Okay, time for this paragraph to shut up because clearly I am not able to write about this AND be nice to myself…

Sometimes you just know what you need is a break in a safe place. I tried that at lunch time on Friday and couldn’t find it…got close until the person whose office and company I was borrowing realized she had something she really needed to do…and so I left to go have lunch even though I was having a rough day and food was sounding like too much. Success: I ate lunch. Fail: and then I tried to do homework but never actually got it all the way out because I started crying and ended up spending the rest of my 2.5 hours lunch break trying to calm down and compose myself to be able to go to class.

I made it to class. I should have been more focused but just being there was the level of energy I had to give right then. I knew that it was time when class was over to take some time for myself…I went to the place I have always run (well, always driven) for a sense of safety and due to the fact that I don’t want certain people to know where I go and follow me there thus taking away my hideout, I am going to refrain from mentioning where said place is…plenty of people probably have a pretty good guess, but right now I am worried about being found and having nowhere so I ain’t makin’ it easy. In reality, the person I am worried about has actually been pretty respectful recently, but I can’t afford to take chances. Usually I go sit in a chair or on a swing, or my first week back in this state I went and walked around the block to create distraction to make it easier to meet my water goals, but today even walking as far as a chair seemed overwhelming, so I sat down in the back of my car, turned on Spotify, and took a short nap. When I woke up the world wasn’t beautiful or anything, but at least I felt a little less pressed into a pancake. I then did feel like I could go to the swing and sit and release some energy. It was good…until I had to get back in the car and go home and I barely made it five blocks before I hit traffic and undid all the unwinding I’d just done.

Oh, you know, just napping in the back of the car…

But luckily once I got home things went pretty well. I intended to finish some homework tonight since I am feeling very much like the hurrier I go the behinder I get…so both of my major projects are barely started and both of my projects are due Tuesday…instead I had a delicious dinner and somehow my mouth kept saying yes I would like more thank you and I actually ended up finishing the day with a complete calorie load despite the jolly rancher subbing in for part of breakfast and the struggle to get through lunch…and then I learned about Passover since that is happening this weekend, and I learned about grieving and some other stuff in Judaism. I will admit that this non-change-loving girl is a little nervous about her first Passover celebration, but she is also excited to be learning…and is happy to do anything that makes her little six and a half year old buddy happy.

Also on like Thursday-ish…The awkward moment of checking your phone between classes to see a text “are you coming to the wedding this weekend?” Umm…crap…I forgot that I said I might do that…I legitimately have too much homework to make that even a remote possibility, but I really should have at least remembered enough to have said that I wasn’t going without being asked…

I’ve never been to a wedding before, and it doesn’t really seem that exciting to me. I’ve been to a funeral and both are pretty much the same thing as far as I’m concerned. Something is changing for eternity and therefore we will all get dressed up and sit still while someone reads the same Bible passage as always and some people walk around. Then we will eat. It is really only the and then we will eat part that has any interest points for me.

Also, I have the most amazingest friends ever. You should be jealous…actually you shouldn’t, because that is a sin…but you should totally find friends as awesome as mine.

Also, I’m kinda nervous about my first Passover celebration tomorrow. But damaged people are powerful. They know they can SURVIVE!