Category Archives: happy thoughts

I’ve tasted hopelessness. I know what heartache is…I’ve lived through brokenness…but all that matters is that I matter to you

(Colton Dixon – All That Matters)

 

It is super easy to see lots of problems in my life…but this evening I have also felt a lot of gratitude. People have reached out to me and made me feel like I mattered. Being around people is super helpful for me. I don’t necessarily need to talk, in fact sometimes I can’t talk, but presence is such a huge gift to me. Presence is so healing.

 

I can be annoyed that my car turned into like a sauna because my dress and other articles of clothing that couldn’t go in the dryer were laid out in the car…in addition to the moisture left over from Friday afternoon, or I can be thankful that I have clean laundry.

 

I can be frustrated that it was about to start raining again so I couldn’t air out my car long enough to really get the insane humidity to go away, or I can be thankful I recognized in time that the rain was about to come down really hard and got the doors closed and myself inside before I was soaked.

 

I can berate myself for not having the ability to ask anyone if I can sit with them this evening, or I can be thankful that the majority of the time now that isn’t a problem and recognize that once there are fewer things adding to my overwhelm, I will probably quickly regain consistency in that skill.

 

I can be disappointed in myself that I almost cried in church in front of people, or I can be super grateful that I pushed it away before it happened…even if it was probably noticeable to the people I was talking with that I was a lot less okay than my words said I was.

 

I can be annoyed that it is raining while I am trying to move in, or I can be thankful for the fact that a cart was available that allowed me to get all my stuff to my room in only a couple quick trips which meant I ended up a lot less soaked than when I got home yesterday…yesterday’s shoes have had plenty of paper towels in them and still are soaked and now that I packed them in a plastic bag in my car all day kinda stink…

 

I can be frustrated that being the first person to move into my room means there is no one to help me raise the height of my bed before putting the sheets on and no one to talk me down when I am getting really frustrated because bed-making is not one of my skills, or I can be happy that I get to pick which bed I want and that at least for this first night I’ll get to use my music to fall asleep and can sleep with the light on if I want to…lol…apparently the outlets in this room aren’t shaped right for my nightlight. It does work on battery, but it seems easier to just leave the lights on and call it a day…Probably I should unpack…but I think Imma just go to bed and do that tomorrow…and I gotta do more applying…and try to figure out how to back up my computer…

 

Good lyrics of the day:

I should follow the word but I guess I’d rather be murdered. Excuse me I mean martyred ’cause I’m killin’ myself. My sin conceived a baby, and we gon’ name her death. Breath taken. She takes my breath away. Replaces it with poison. (Killa – Lecrae)

There are days when I’m okay

(Courage – Superchic[k])

Okay, so maybe not days, maybe only moments…and maybe only okay by my standards of still having a heart pumping oxygenated blood around my body, but there are some good reasons to be proud.

At like the middle of the night (which is actually more like early this morning) when I was using up the last 7% of my phone battery life without texting people in the middle of the night because that is rude to wake people up in case they have their ringtone turned on (not that I don’t forget sometimes…sincere apologies to those I have texted while sleeping), I found this really awesome article on the internet of things to say to answer how are you…

  1. I’m awesome from the ankles down (not true of me though…my right ankle is sore…like always happens when I’m stressed out ever since I fell on it in ninth grade and didn’t tell anyone even though it was bruised for over 3 months)
  2. I didn’t read my name in the obituaries today, so I figure I’m not too bad. (yep, it is important to read the obituaries when you get a chance to make sure you didn’t die and nobody told you).
  3. Good, but I’ll get over it (kinda true…I pretty much always answer with good, fine, or okay, regardless of what is actually going on…but eventually the mask will wear off, probably when I’m alone, and I won’t be okay anymore)
  4. I hear good things, but you should never trust rumors (Lol…which reminds me that I love being a Christian because Christians care about each other, but I don’t like the gossip disguised as a prayer request).
  5. My lawyer says I don’t have to answer that question!! (I don’t have a lawyer, but if I did, I would love to use this and see what people say).

I am so proud of me!! If I weren’t in class constantly yesterday I would have been giving myself so many high fives!!

First instead of the Dominos I was expecting, there was Panda Express. I am not a fan of change. Eating is already hard, so changing the food I am going to have to try to get in my mouth can be challenging. That could very easily have pushed me into the absolutely not category of eating…which would have been a problem since all there is in my lunchbox is candy, a hot chocolate mix packet, and an egg. (Yeah, I know, that still isn’t an appropriate dinner…but this week is stressful enough without worrying about nutrition. I finally am at least usually moderately interested in candy now, so right now I’m working on calories this week and next week will go back to nutrition that doesn’t rely on multivitamins).

Then everyone agreed I should go first because I was presenting. And everyone was watching me and encouraging me to take more. God did good in this circumstance by making me a people pleaser. I ended up with a full plate of Panda Express and the whole thing was eaten. If I had been with friends or in some other socially appropriate situation, I would have been so thrilled I would have been making my excited gestures and maybe happy-screaming. Yep, this girl who has been struggling to get through half a snack pack of crackers and a teeny container of peanut butter for dinner Monday night ate an entire plate of Panda Express!! So proud!!

And I finished my whole entire water bottle by 2pm!! And by the end of the day I’d had probably almost 5 cups of water! Words seem insufficient to describe the pride that I have for myself about that. Way back when this started I decided that the rules were 2 cups of fluids every day, and if I am being honest, I try really hard to meet the rules I set for myself, but they aren’t as important to me as the rules that other people make, so I didn’t necessarily always hit the 2 cup mark…in fact I can think of at least one day I barely hit the 2 ounce mark…

I am so proud!!

Although I was proud a little too soon about getting six hours of sleep…I was back down to three last night…but on the positive side, the sleep part of the time was more restful than it has been and I didn’t get up this morning feeling immediately like it was time to go back to bed, so there’s that.

Also, I would totally be an ambulance chaser if that were a real job. Today I saw a firetruck and an ambulance. They were a block away from where I was. I really really wanted to go see what was up. I didn’t primarily because if I drove over there I might get lost because I don’t have directions from some random corner to school…but I did try really hard to see what was going on as I turned left and almost forgot for too long that driving requires facing forward…lol…I couldn’t see anything because it was too far away…that was kinda sad…except I am smart enough to recognize that crowd control is kinda important in emergencies so it would not have been appreciated if any extra people stopped to gawk…

Also, I have awesome friends. Part of me says to be safe it is better to keep other people out, but the other part of me says that it is not good for girl to be alone. My friends are like my oxygen mask. I hold my breath counting down the minutes until the flow is turned on to let me breathe again. I am an extremely introverted extravert. I need people, I just don’t know how to find them.

And so to have a silver lining there must be clouds

(Every Cloud has a Silver Lining – Thomas and Friends)

I am sorry for being such a Debbie Downer. It is okay to be sad, but I shouldn’t bring everyone else down with me.

So let’s talk about all the good things.

Passover was not as scary as it seemed. I don’t like horseradish and apples, but I liked the other things. And strawberries are awesome.

I have incredible friends. Friends who care about me a lot. I might be really good at talking myself in circles, but stick a good friend into the middle and suddenly I am breaking free of the cycle and can come up with enough logical thought to (for example yesterday) figure out how all my needs can work together safely. I have friends who very obviously have more important things to do who will take the time to talk with me.

I have somewhere to live the whole time I am in this state. That is awesome!

I was starting to get crabby last night and said I didn’t like politics because it is just a bunch of people whining or yelling at each other about how stupid other people are. Luckily, the people I was talking with were like yeah, (insert name here) does that a lot…they didn’t realize I was pretty much talking about them at the moment. Yep, I am very protective, so I don’t like when people say hurtful things about other people even if the other people probs won’t find out.

My stats on my blog went way up last night…that usually means the bad people are back…but I have a choice; I can either be upset that they are back and thus limiting what I can say, or I can be thrilled that I am currently being successful!! Might as well choose being thrilled…’cause I mean, I probably should be careful ALL the time anyway…

I can be frustrated that my journal and Bible and pens are most likely at church since I couldn’t find them anywhere else…or I can be thrilled that in the process of looking for them I found a metal butter knife in one of my boxes that I didn’t know that I had. Metal knives are better at getting lemonade mix out of the container without making a mess. Plus, now I could show up with just my keys and have everything I needed next week (although a new pen color would be helpful it would certainly not be necessary)…

I woke up at 2 this morning, which as a stand alone fact is not good, but in context, it is great. Two is the time I woke up for water before, and that is what I wanted this morning. At baseline I would have gone back to sleep after water time, but even just that the timing of the water break lines up with “normal” times seems like a positive sign.

And now I really need to comb my hair and find some socks and pack up my stuff and bring myself to school…and then hurry up and get some words in the boxes on my assignment so if I am asked about progress it doesn’t look like I did basically nothing but look for the most awesome picture of the little mermaid and smokey the bear for my project…’cause I think my preceptor cares a little more about the words on the page than the pretty pictures…

Try to put the pieces together

(Free to be Me – Francesca Battistelli)

That title seemed fitting because this post is a bunch of random thoughts that don’t really fit together…but writing even just seemingly random thoughts helps clear my brain space to be able to think logically enough and sit still enough to write more than three words without getting distracted and doing something else in the middle…it helps a lot in coherency of my homework.

This is good because as I worked on my homework this morning it is extremely obvious that I am a morning person and also which parts I worked on in the morning versus later in the day…the questions, answers and explanations make sense and then suddenly partway through the page the grammar and logic seem to just vaporize and disappear…

I think I finally put into words the lesson I learned through the issues at school: Just because hurt people hurt people doesn’t mean that loved people love people. I can’t love people out of hurting me. I shouldn’t protect people who are hurting me to create a safe place so that they’ll be nice. It won’t work. But I still feel the guilt and shame that I should have been able to fix it. I mean, yeah, in retrospect I should have stopped loving and started tattling and gotten out of the relationship, but the fact that I care too much about protecting that person to create a no doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. It just means that as an adolescent with a not fully developed brain I didn’t yet have the capacity to fix it myself nor did I have the capacity to share enough hints that the other adults in the situation had enough to have reasonably figured out what was happening…if I hadn’t been the unpaid secretary helping students when they were super frustrated maybe someone would have gone to someone who could have changed things. So maybe it is my fault that this still happens. Okay, time for this paragraph to shut up because clearly I am not able to write about this AND be nice to myself…

Sometimes you just know what you need is a break in a safe place. I tried that at lunch time on Friday and couldn’t find it…got close until the person whose office and company I was borrowing realized she had something she really needed to do…and so I left to go have lunch even though I was having a rough day and food was sounding like too much. Success: I ate lunch. Fail: and then I tried to do homework but never actually got it all the way out because I started crying and ended up spending the rest of my 2.5 hours lunch break trying to calm down and compose myself to be able to go to class.

I made it to class. I should have been more focused but just being there was the level of energy I had to give right then. I knew that it was time when class was over to take some time for myself…I went to the place I have always run (well, always driven) for a sense of safety and due to the fact that I don’t want certain people to know where I go and follow me there thus taking away my hideout, I am going to refrain from mentioning where said place is…plenty of people probably have a pretty good guess, but right now I am worried about being found and having nowhere so I ain’t makin’ it easy. In reality, the person I am worried about has actually been pretty respectful recently, but I can’t afford to take chances. Usually I go sit in a chair or on a swing, or my first week back in this state I went and walked around the block to create distraction to make it easier to meet my water goals, but today even walking as far as a chair seemed overwhelming, so I sat down in the back of my car, turned on Spotify, and took a short nap. When I woke up the world wasn’t beautiful or anything, but at least I felt a little less pressed into a pancake. I then did feel like I could go to the swing and sit and release some energy. It was good…until I had to get back in the car and go home and I barely made it five blocks before I hit traffic and undid all the unwinding I’d just done.

Oh, you know, just napping in the back of the car…

But luckily once I got home things went pretty well. I intended to finish some homework tonight since I am feeling very much like the hurrier I go the behinder I get…so both of my major projects are barely started and both of my projects are due Tuesday…instead I had a delicious dinner and somehow my mouth kept saying yes I would like more thank you and I actually ended up finishing the day with a complete calorie load despite the jolly rancher subbing in for part of breakfast and the struggle to get through lunch…and then I learned about Passover since that is happening this weekend, and I learned about grieving and some other stuff in Judaism. I will admit that this non-change-loving girl is a little nervous about her first Passover celebration, but she is also excited to be learning…and is happy to do anything that makes her little six and a half year old buddy happy.

Also on like Thursday-ish…The awkward moment of checking your phone between classes to see a text “are you coming to the wedding this weekend?” Umm…crap…I forgot that I said I might do that…I legitimately have too much homework to make that even a remote possibility, but I really should have at least remembered enough to have said that I wasn’t going without being asked…

I’ve never been to a wedding before, and it doesn’t really seem that exciting to me. I’ve been to a funeral and both are pretty much the same thing as far as I’m concerned. Something is changing for eternity and therefore we will all get dressed up and sit still while someone reads the same Bible passage as always and some people walk around. Then we will eat. It is really only the and then we will eat part that has any interest points for me.

Also, I have the most amazingest friends ever. You should be jealous…actually you shouldn’t, because that is a sin…but you should totally find friends as awesome as mine.

Also, I’m kinda nervous about my first Passover celebration tomorrow. But damaged people are powerful. They know they can SURVIVE!

A Radiant Light

(Rise – Danny Gokey)

I have worked harder on this rotation than on any other rotation…but I don’t feel like I really have anything to show for it, because this rotation I worked really hard on communication skills. I kinda wish when I was trying to decide between the difficult conversations and the emergency medicine sessions at Midyear that I’d picked difficult conversations, because in reality, that is what I have really worked on.

I gave a journal club presentation to which I was late without a full lunch, much less any skittles. I advocated for myself when my grade didn’t reflect the comments on the evaluation.

Today I conducted two phone visits ALL BY MYSELF!!

I am so proud of me.

I might be half asleep right now because the past few nights this has been bedtime in order to get as much sleep as possible in to catch up from Midyear, but I am alert enough to know that what I’ve done is really awesome and deserves some recognition.

This is the girl who just a few years ago carried her computer with her everywhere to allow her to write any necessary communication that couldn’t be handled with pointing, nodding, and shaking my head in asking teachers questions. This is a girl who in an emergency probably would have stretched her comfort zone attempting to text 911 even once she did become a more fluent speaker, because talking on the phone was still too hard.

This is a girl who had never been completely in control of a patient visit in person, and has now been in control of two visits over the phone! Two successful visits over the phone. Was I scared and praying the whole time the phone was ringing that no one would pick up…umm…okay fine, definitely yes, but bravery isn’t not being scared. Bravery is doing it, scared. And I did.

If I had any energy left, I would be jumping up and down.

Also, I still don’t agree with the apparent mismatch between positive comments and negative grade, but after advocating for myself (one of my goals first year) and talking with my preceptor (using my words) it sounds like my grade might actually be an A at the end of all this.

Take that all those people who thought I couldn’t do it! Just watch me do it!

You might have tried to convince me I couldn’t, but I’m proving to you and to me that you were wrong!

Where there’s a will there’s a way, and you better believe this bull-headed girl has a will! My classroom grades may not be perfect, but I am going to do whatever I can to make my rotation grades as close to perfect as they possibly can be. I am good enough, and I deserve it!

Stones inside your hand might be small

(Giants Fall–Francesca Battistelli)

Y’all, my brain is spinning with the list of things I need to do in the next day/week or so…so it seemed like a good time to take a break…before I actually started anything…umm…someone (me) didn’t think this through very well…

So this is going to be a series of short thoughts about a variety of things so that I don’t spend too long writing on any one thing since I don’t have time for that.

Sometimes in hindsight I can recognize that I didn’t make the best choice. A few days ago, I saw a bag of capsules in the parking lot as I walked to my car. I was in a hurry. I pretended I didn’t see them and kept walking. They were in an unlabeled Ziploc bag. They were pretty non-descript. I didn’t know to whom I would bring them. I was afraid if I picked them up they might be an illicit substance and then it would be in my possession and I would be in trouble. I walked away. In retrospect, I should have brought someone’s attention to it. Someone might have been looking for them and by the time they found them perhaps they had already been destroyed by being run over. Or maybe they were illicit but if I’d brought attention to it I could have prevented someone from obtaining illicit substances. I know that ignoring it is almost definitely the wrong choice.

I think I have now seen like everything. A couple days ago I saw a man walking along the sidewalk pushing a stroller. The stroller contained a…watermelon. Strapped into the 5-point harness as if it were a child. I did a double-take and then laughed my head off (jk…I did laugh, but my head remained firmly attached to my neck).

I was sad on Tuesday when I found out that there was no Cru, but it ended up not being a bad night. I didn’t do the homework I was planning on doing, but I did spend some time with someone who needed a friend to hang out with, and I wasn’t up nearly as late as I would have been had I stayed for Cru. Also I learned what mochi (sp?) is, and it is good.

Also today I had a lot of adventures. First this morning I stopped at a gas station and it took forever to figure out how to get out of the parking lot when I was done. I don’t think I have ever seen a parking lot with so many one way signs. Then about a block down the road I saw another gas station that would have been easier to get in and out of and was 10 cents less per gallon. Fail. Well, kinda, because I also really did need to stop ASAP because I was getting really low and didn’t want to be a hypermiling jerk. Then on the way to school it was a Very Good Thing that I got to leave way earlier than I asked. Because in about half an hour or so I went about a mile on the freeway. I could have missed my turn and taken a different road and gotten to school in half the time or I could have walked and gotten down the road faster. So that was unfortunate and frustrating. But on the positive side, I did arrive at school on time.

Also, I found out today I am presenting tomorrow, so that should be interesting with exactly zero preparation so far.

I love life. I love rotations. I love me, and I love you 🙂

‘Cause you’ve been layin’ a foundation

(Ryan Stevenson—All Yours)

“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.”

This quote opened a blog post I read recently about ambient abuse. This article contained a list of traits that make someone an easier victim and therefore more likely to be abused. Wow. Most of that list characterized me pretty well. I know that it doesn’t describe everyone who has been abused (and that certainly doesn’t negate the fact that the abuse happened or make it any more or less their fault—it is NEVER the victim’s fault. No one asks to be abused). It does, however, describe me for the most part, and reading the list made me feel like maybe it wasn’t my fault that I got abused. Yes, I know I just got done saying it is never the victim’s fault, but it is infinitely easier to say that and believe that cognitively than to believe it at the heart level. I know intuitively and logically that it is SO not my fault. I know that being abused is not a reflection on who I am as a person. It is a scar I bear, but is not a self-inflicted wound. Sure, we could go through if then statements until the cows come home that all point to something I could have done differently that would have changed things, but at the end of the day, I did what I did, and what happened in the past cannot be taken back. A lot of the things that could have changed are just not who I am. I do let people take advantage of me. I do overlook people’s issues and try to find the good in them. I do value developing others more than I value my own comfort…I guess that developer part of my strengths is pretty accurate. So basically, yes, if I were someone else I might not have been abused, or it might not have been so bad, but I am not someone else. I am me, and I like me.

I also read another post recently that resonated with me. (http://pro.psychcentral.com/art-private-practice/2016/09/the-1-factor-in-private-practice-success/)

“Picture this: You’ve just finished a grueling work day…You’ve not driven far before your car starts sputtering and eventually rolls to a stop…Like any normal person, you assess your options. I mean, your back seat would make a pretty decent bed. You realize you could maybe fit a nice cooler in your trunk and fill it with ice purchased from the gas station across the street. You figure, there must be a library nearby, so you could get a new book first thing in the morning. Who needs that dirty ole bath anyways? Your car would make a perfectly reasonable home…Wait? WHAT?! No, no, no. You wouldn’t do that…Yet, when it comes to [our lives], we so often get discouraged, confused, frustrated, impatient and simply give up.”

The article goes on to assert that it all comes down to perseverance. In the car we have a clear achievable goal in mind, making it easy to persevere, because we know our time, money, and intention will ultimately get us where we would like to be. In life, however, it is easier to settle for the side of the road because we don’t know what is ahead. We don’t know if all the effort we put in is going to do absolutely nothing but frustrate us. The going gets hard and we decide we didn’t really want what was ahead anyway.

Maybe it is just me, but while I am stubborn up to a point, eventually I give up and just accept where I am as where I’ll always be. I loved that analogy—so true and really makes you evaluate where you’ve been giving up. I have to admit I am not always ready to jump right back in, but acknowledging the problem is the first step in solving it.

Just to know

(Trust—Kristene DiMarco)

Look what this brave girl ate for breakfast yesterday!

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So in elementary school, lunchables were super cool, especially the pizza ones. As far as I can remember, my first lunchable was a few months ago, because those things tend to cost way more than the ingredients themselves. (Yes, this girl in her 20’s was still excited to jump at the chance for a lunchable the two times they went on sale this summer. Stop judging).

The first time the store only had the Ham and the Turkey varieties. I had the ham one and it was pretty good. As a kid the cheese wouldn’t have gotten eaten, and it is questionable if much of the ham would have eaten (so yeah, I totally get that $1.25 is excessive for a few crackers and a mini candy bar). I am way less picky than I used to be so I was willing to eat the cheese in the name of not just throwing it away as long as it was totally covered by either cracker or ham. It was kind of fun.

The next time I went they had the pizza ones and I was thrilled. Mistake number one was being so excited that when I saw that the cheese was just regular shredded and not finely shredded I didn’t rethink my choice. I think there is a definite taste difference between regular shredded and finely shredded cheese and I only like finely shredded…also, the cheese wasn’t orange. I get that the color of the cheese has more to do with the food coloring or bleach used, but I think the sensory experience of cheese is much more appealing when the cheese has the characteristic orange coloration.

I was still ready to give it a try at breakfast yesterday. Mistake number two was tasting a piece of cheese before putting the pizza together. Maybe all cheese tastes like that when eaten alone—I’m not a good person to evaluate that—but it tasted like foam. Yuck. I considered discarding the cheese and eating the pizza sans cheese, but I am a big girl, and big girls don’t have pizzas without cheese. Even though pizza hut will make kid coupon pizzas without cheese and as a high schooler I still peeled all the cheese off of pizza before eating, I have learned to get through the cheese to get the pizza. Another instance of that I’ve gotten significantly less picky as I’ve gotten older. So I continued and made and ate my two pizzas…and my well-deserved crunch bar! It might be more of an inch-stone than a mile-stone, but every little bit of progress counts. You don’t have to be perfect to acknowledge that you have done something noteworthy. Yes, this comment is directed at my experience with one particular person. My perspective that I tried and failed to share (due to resistance, not due to lack of repeated explanation), is that just like we congratulate a 7-month-old for competent crawling rather than shaming her for being unable to run, every other victory in life whether an end-point or an intermediary goal is similarly worth celebration. Sure, I may not have a professional job yet, but that doesn’t take away from my accomplishment of finishing the first 5.25 years of pharmacy school.

Also, completely unrelated, but I wanted ice cream and decided to make peanut butter cookies instead…but then the recipe that I know inside my head doesn’t use flour, and my dad said we should make something with flour because people are all on the gluten-free craze right now…lol…just a side note, but gluten-free actually tends to be a much less nutritious way to eat, so unless it is legitimately medically necessary (that is, you have celiac disease) it is not a good way to eat. Obviously a recipe that just happens to be gluten free isn’t inherently unhealthy, but it was more of the political statement we were going for…although I think you aren’t supposed to talk about politics…

Finding a peanut butter cookie recipe that used flour but not weird ingredients I couldn’t find led me to a recipe for buttercream frosting which sounded really good, but probably not on cookies…so then I changed my mind and decided to make peanut butter cake. Side note that it is important to change both you mind and your underwear on occasion. Changing the former keeps life from getting boring, and the latter pretty much does the same, because I think people probably wouldn’t want to be your friend if you smelled like dirty underwear. It is also hard to find a recipe for peanut butter cake that doesn’t tell you to dump the cake mix into a bowl…umm, if I was going to use a cake mix then I wouldn’t need to use the internet to find a recipe, now would I?!

So I made a peanut butter two layer cake with vanilla buttercream frosting…yum!

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The streusel was supposed to be an inside layer, but that would have required a lot more visuospatial skills than I possess…and besides, once the cake was baked the streusel ended up a lot more covered since the cake part expanded and the streusel part didn’t…the part where I had a problem was where the recipe for the frosting said it made enough to generously fill and frost a nine inch round two layer cake, which is what I made. I knew that I usually have issues with the outside of the cake so used as little as possible in the middle and top…and still failed to have enough to cover the whole outside…it was a valiant effort

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…but the top more than made up for it. I probably should have stopped while I was ahead and left off the demented smiley face, but I didn’t realize in advance how difficult smiley faces are when you can’t erase to fix parts that don’t look right…but it is the thought that counts sometimes and I thought it would look awesome.

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(Yes, I should be preparing for rotation and stuff…I’m trying to forget that…and/or drown my sorrows in sugar…sugar makes everything better…except things like hamburgers. I have not tried sugaring a burger, but in my imagination it tastes disgusting, and my imagination tends to be fairly accurate on which things are going to be very good versus very not good).

Too many leaders. You asked for followers. So take the lead now, ’cause your my father.

(What You Want—Tenth Avenue North)

This is kind of halfway between brain dumping for finals and a legit post…

You know you are distractible and have a moderately selective (but not choice-ful selection) memory when: you forget to take ibuprofen and then wonder why everything you took did absolutely nothing for you…and then look in your pill case to take more things and realize that umm, no, you didn’t take any ibuprofen because you packed three red (200mg non-flavored) and 2 orange (100mg flavored) which is the same number as is left in there…oops…well that explains why it didn’t work. I actually did take the tums and vitamins, but I did not take the ibuprofen. Let’s just say when I was on antibiotics in high school the only way I knew if I had taken it was by counting how many were left in the bottle based on the days I remembered skipping it…yeah, I am a really lousy example…don’t get your drug taking modeling from me…although in my defense, I didn’t want to be on antibiotics and it was my parents idea and they made it clear there was going to be a loss of privileges if I didn’t…(but I was pretty sure they wouldn’t keep track close enough to know if I skipped it sometimes)…oh, but I can totally spin this into a positive–I don’t have issues taking ibuprofen anymore like I did when the OCD was taking over!

Today I learned that I can have a really awesome day AND take a final.

After doing a wiggly happy dance in the early morning re-reading the notes of a bunch of my friends, and then crying in the late morning because I felt really left out, I got a really awesome surprise! I still am very much a draw an extra set of lines inside the lines kind of person, but I am also all for not being left out. I would have been happy with just a cookie and a cup in which to make my own tea, but I got to have whatever I wanted, which I re-translated into I can go one time and do not go anywhere but that one place and keep eyes straight ahead, no talking, no playing games…but I was thrilled. Also, that there was actually caffeine free options that didn’t come out of my backpack!! That like never happens at school!

Oh my…that one video about fidgeting I referenced a few weeks ago that I had been watching while waiting for people to come be tutored, well, it talked about Tangles, and I was like, aren’t those intended to be a baby toy? Except, I was playing with them today, and they really are so much fun and there were even fuzzy pieces…except, the non-fuzzy ones get very hard to take apart and put back together when your finger start getting sweaty…so, yeah…I don’t like not finishing what I started, but it was getting very close to time to get out of there, so I had to leave it not 100% sorted by color…but I put it all in a pile NOT on the floor when I was done so it wouldn’t be like stepping on legos to the next unsuspecting customer. Right next to my declaration in the sand “I love me” because I do. Love me that is. I’m pretty awesome. You should get to know me.

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I was so happy that someone told me I should take a CD and even though I wasn’t a fan of the music and don’t really need extra things to pack up, I almost did…until I saw the words on the CD and went NO WAY and dropped it like it was burning my fingers (hey, at least I didn’t fling it across the room…but even if I had, it would be a lot more convenient to pick it up and put it in its rightful place on the table than when I throw my pencil or paper off my bed at my apartment and have to go find where it went and then climb back up onto the bed)…but anyway, after reading the first two words on the CD ain’t no one tricking me into pretending to like that. (Yes, I know that is improper use of the word am not). Besides, I come with my very own music in the form of a computer and a phone with headphones so even if the music wasn’t kind of annoying and was instead just okay, why would I listen to subpar music when I could listen to AMAZING music. (Plus, I don’t even know where my disk drive is and my CD player at my for real house is reserved for Sleep Sound in Jesus by Michael Card). There are a bajillion songs/musicians that I adore like Plumb and Thomas the Tank Engine and Blank Space (WUM) and Maternity Pants (Elle), but there are some I don’t, and that is okay. I get to have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions, but I get to keep mine.

Also, there was this toy full of lights and water and scented smoke and that was awesome too and I didn’t even spill the water on myself…LOL…my mentee, remembering how clumsy I can be, was kind of worried that I was going to end up with soggy pants to take my final, but there was not much water in there and it had a pretty wide base, so it would have taken talent even for me to spill…and I mean, I do have talent, but not that much talent…now, if it had been filled up to the 500mL line, then yeah, there would have been a pretty good chance I would have been wearing the water if I had played…but I am smart enough most of the time to know my limits, so if it were that full the cap would have gone back on without me playing with it…also, there were TWO red markers in the room…how awesome is that?! Doodle time!!

The final didn’t go super awesome today, but I can honestly say that I did my best, and I could have studied forever and ever and not had any better idea what the teachers were looking for on a variety of the questions…so many times I was like umm, yeah, I could totally explain to you the information you are trying to test me on, but I have no idea what you are attempting to ask me with this question. In this case, some of them may be partly 2/2 my not so awesome reading comprehension level, but sometimes I think it is fair to say that the question was just somewhat poorly worded. I wish there were an explanation box so I could tell them what I was thinking to justify my answer to show that I really did know what I was talking about even if I didn’t pick the answer they were expecting based on that information.

One more final.

369 days.

Party party party

(We’re gonna have a party–Donut Man)

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Yes, it does look like there are only four flavors…you’re a better person than me if you think you can figure out which of the reds are apple and which are cherry…

Yep…no party is complete without skittles…I’m having a party because I am pretty sure I scored enough points on that exam that it is pretty close to impossible to fail therapeutics, which means I only have to take one more therapeutics exam in my whole life before I never have to do it again!! I hate therapeutics so much and it really feels like a huge waste of my time. Pharmacology? Bring it on, it can be hard, but at least it is super applicable to real life (and the teachers were reasonable people), but I hate therapeutics.

I should probably be doing something more useful with my life than writing…but I deserved a break…and plus, I did get something productive done…I did bloodborne pathogen training…okay fine…I took the test didn’t score proficient and took it again without ever even opening the training so I didn’t exactly do “training”…if I were really smart, I would have looked at last fall’s test before I started, because the questions never change and last year I actually skimmed the material before taking the test so I got pretty much all the questions right…yeah, apparently I can’t even do lazy right…I wasn’t made to be lazy…but if they really wanted us to not be lazy then they would either lock the exam unless the training had been opened or they would not use the exact same 15 questions and answers every single time while requiring us to do it twice a year…not saying, just saying…plus, I really miss the “it’s just Jimmy” video that we used to watch when community education got rid of the really outdated video for training…it was mostly irrelevant since I only worked in aquatics and teaching people how to teach, how to lifeguard, or how to swim, or lifeguarding was probably never going to cause me to have to worry about saw blade safety, and I wasn’t likely to be taking out a trash magically filled with blood, but it was pretty funny. Should you guys be doing that? Oh, don’t worry! It’s just Jimmy! We do this all the time!

and now it is time to stop writing because I am behind in every class including therapeutics right now, so I should really get going on things seeing as how my first final is next week and the rest of them are coming too…