Category Archives: social media

do you see a rescue or a deeper kind of hurt…just when you’ve lost the will to live

(drifting – plumb)

 

Life is still really hard. I still want to be done with life. I have been telling God what day I thought would be best for me to die, but on the somewhat positive side, I have also resigned myself to the fact that God is most likely going to say no. And I will have to deal with that. It is hard when my whole life I have been working towards one thing and that one thing is gone. Everyone told me I wasn’t good enough and it feels so much like they were right. I realized to have any chance I probably have to wait at least two years before re-applying, because besides not being at all in my personality, it probably isn’t kosher to be like hey, I know I started training like two days ago, but would you like to be my reference for the job I actually wanted more than this? That was a really hard realization, but it also really helped because it put a timeline on getting back to my dreams.

 

I recently read this article about helping people in crisis. The author’s explanation of each concept wasn’t necessarily exactly in alignment with my opinions (though some weren’t far off at all), but the concepts themselves seemed pretty good.

 

  1. Stay calm – so true, if I am already in crisis, I don’t need you to add drama to my life. I don’t need you to make life more difficult. I need someone to be an anchor in the storm. That doesn’t mean you don’t show emotion (also not necessarily good) but that you don’t freak out and make this about you rather than about me.
  2. Understand – no one (probably) wants to feel bad, but when we do it can feel very isolating. Grief takes a lot of energy that makes it hard to have anything left to do anything but survive. Crisis makes us less good friends as the primary focus is on survival. When it feels like no one gets it, especially when for a reason that feels shameful, I feel that much more alone. Taking a minute to listen and try to understand is a huge gift to me.
  3.  Touch them (if they’re okay with it) – I love hugs and stuff. In most situations, it makes me feel safe. It is a good way to help me feel less alone. IDK about this for everyone though since I know some people hate being touched.
  4.  Stay with them – grief is lonely and isolating. It is super awesome to be willing to come into my life and try to help me, but in my story of abuse and rejection, it isn’t just the loneliness and isolation that return when you leave again. Although sometimes I am so desperate for help that I want any possible thing I can get, but most of the time I feel like it might be better to have no one at all than people who leave again…but at the same time I know I don’t really want that, because I really need people even if they aren’t always exactly what I need. I know that studies show that support tends to last about a month and at most 3 months, but grief or other crises tend to last at least a year. That is a minimum of 9 months of isolation while the pain is still very raw and very intensely painful. I just need more hugs sometimes…or just a quick text hi. I finally figured out that was something that would help but then I never actually completely followed through on making sure it happened…I asked…a couple times…and then I ran out of energy to devote to a task that wasn’t as directly survival based.
  5.  Ask why they haven’t – so this is referring to why they haven’t hurt themselves in response to the negative emotion. While I am not sure how helpful this would be to me, I think it is a good question to ask to gauge safety. On a smaller level, eating and drinking was SO hard at first and such a chore (for that matter, even now sometimes I am okay in that arena and sometimes I am packing goldfish and skittles in my lunchbox and calling it a success that I am eating something even when half of that pathetically non-balanced lunch comes back home with me), but almost every day I tried really hard to get three meals into my mouth. Why didn’t I just do what was easiest and just not even try? Mostly because that might worry people and draw attention to me, and I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. So, yeah, I am a major people-pleaser. I am pretty much always okay, especially when I am not. It is good when people can understand this and see through my mask to see that just because I am smiling and laughing instead of crying at the moment doesn’t necessarily mean I am not still fighting really hard just to make it through every day, and it is also good to realize that because of that, when I am in crisis, I might be a lot more sensitive to the perception of letting people down, so recognition is huge if I am doing something right. On a bigger scale, why have I not killed myself even though I want so badly to not be alive? Because I strongly believe that life and death are in God’s hands, and my religious beliefs tell me it is wrong to hurt yourself in any way. This probably makes me a lot safer, but also means there should be a big red flag going up if my faith becomes less important to me…luckily even when I couldn’t believe God cared or was even good, my faith was still super important to me.
  6.  Make a plan – consistency, structure, routine, and predictability really help me in life, and even more so in grief. Helping me know what to expect is really helpful. Waiting to offer something to me until you are pretty sure you can make it happen is awesome so the change in plans later doesn’t crush me. Remember that what seems small to you can be a lot bigger when it is the one thing that I am counting on to help me through the day, and when a minute is an eternity, the idea of a generic ‘maybe later’ is a forever that doesn’t even register on the time scale.

 

 

Moderately unrelated, but I also read this post recently where this mom claims she did a study and found out that she is invisible. Her logic is that she intentionally only wore one earring every day for six months and no one said anything…ummm…dude….what an idiot. First, if anything you proved that the earring, not yourself was invisible. Second, people are generally paying attention to YOU, not analyzing your attire. Third, your ears are on opposite sides of your head so depending on how good of eye contact you are using they might have no way of knowing that one of these things is not like the others. Fourth, people are generally respectful and mind their own business. Why should they point out that your appearance is less than perfect? And especially by the end of the six months if they had noticed they probably figured you liked it that way…yep, people be dumb…but using that logic, then I know that I am also invisible. I wore a shirt with a nice oxycodone stain on it a few days ago and no one said anything…I don’t know what bright drug manufacturer decided that oxycodone should be bright red, but I do know that whenever I spill it, particularly when I spill it on myself I do not appreciate the color…it stains…on the positive side, I mean, my shirt wouldn’t have been stained if I hadn’t caught the bottle that I lost my grip on. Because I did grab it, I only lost like a mL of oxycodone. I lost it all over my shirt and the counter, but at least I didn’t lose almost the entire bottle on the floor…

Sometimes it’s nice to take some time off, do what you really want to do

(Gone Fishin’–Thomas and Friends)

LOL…like anyone really has time for that 🙂

A bad thought to have the last month of the school year: I used to hate facebook mobile so much I refused to use it…I don’t know why I hated it so much…it isn’t as easy to navigate as real facebook, but it really isn’t so bad and there are so many pictures…LOL…famous last words…but actually I was so absorbed in re-organizing my apartment (also a bad plan) that facebooking didn’t last very long…umm, I’m only going to live there another month, so why does everything need to be reorganized so many times? Especially when the final product ended up being 97% the same as the original…what can I say, girl likes familiarity.

I wish we didn’t call things “fruit.” When people start talking about seeing fruit at church I have to work really hard to stay on topic, to avoid the awkward my brain just shot over to how much I love raspberries and kiwis and grapes and plums and cuties and and and…and I just missed the rest of the sentence. Maybe we could call them stuff of the spirit. Stuff and things are like my favorite words. Metaphors are distracting.

You don’t realize how much stuff you have until you start packing and for every bit of stuff you pack it seems like the stuff left unpacked multiplies to take up the space you just picked up…sometimes I wish I were just a little less blessed so that I had less stuff to pack up…either that or that my mom hadn’t insisted that I needed a mattress, printer, and nice table and chairs…so much stuff. And besides, I like sleeping bags, have sat at the table a grand total of 3 times in three years, and have used the printer print a grand total of three pages aside from the test pages.

It may not have been my best plan to put what may very well be my most difficult rotations as my very first two…I was already a little overwhelmed with all the assignments that needed to be done and the places to be…and then I looked at the grading criteria…oh my…looking at that was eye opening…what they presented to us as something not to worry about because we would do fine, looking at the preceptor grading directions, looked a lot more intimidating and challenging than looking at the student version. I might be one of those 5% of people whose GPA is negatively impacted by rotations now that they’ve changed to including rotations in our professional GPA.

I accidentally let myself start hoping on Friday evening and I was really excited…you know that you have been through a lot when it is actually really relieving to wake up Sunday morning not really hoping anymore but not crushed. I find that I am significantly happier with life if I am pleasantly surprised with a positive thing I am thrilled about but didn’t hope for than if I allow myself to hope and sometimes end up crushed when what I was hoping for is squashed into the ground.

Speaking of Saturday, I had a conversation with someone before church, and so much healing happened in that like 10 minute conversation…I could have talked myself in circles for many more hours and made little if any progress and had already been at it more hours than I’d like to admit before I figured out it was time to talk in person to someone who might have answers and/or empathy. There was a situation that had sparked memories of negative things that happened related to church in the past, and therefore I couldn’t pretend the current situation didn’t exist and stick my head in the sand and not worry about it. My past experiences made this very real and very important. I needed to know that I was safe at church. I needed to know that church was not just another place to go to get hurt. I needed to know that people care about each other, not just about looking good or finding lemming-people who will blindly follow without asking questions. I needed to know that simple differences in people’s perspectives could be respectfully accepted. This was different than other situations, because it was the most honest I had ever experienced a church issue, but the honesty didn’t correlate with anywhere close to a fully processed situation until that conversation…not that it is fully processed after that conversation either, but it is a lot closer than it was.

I have been noticing recently how much I don’t know about Christianity. I don’t like how vulnerable that makes me feel. I have read the Bible cover to cover, but my reading comprehension level isn’t such that I necessarily ever get a lot out of it. I took how to read the Bible as a ninth grader, but ain’t nobody got hours upon hours on a regular basis to read the Bible the “right way.” I graduated the class, but I will admit that I don’t even remember all the things you’re supposed to do anymore, much less do I actually do them…especially because I don’t have 40 hours to pour into reading just a couple pages. Three times this week though people have talked about something about Christianity that they expected me to already know and instead I was working on learning…and now on my list of things to learn someday: what does elder, deacon, staff, and pastor actually mean, because some people talk like those are completely different things and other people talk like certain of those terms are one and the same, and I am so lost. (Okay, so I definitely know what staff means, but just not how it relates according to some people or doesn’t according to others to all the other items on the list). I am starting to understand why some people think Christianity seems like a giant exclusive group of insiders. So many things to know to follow along…

They said go to school and be a college kid and but now I question why I did

(College Kid–Relient K)

 

This is totally unrelated thoughts

Just because life keeps throwing more challenges my way doesn’t mean I can’t take joy in the little things…a friend I haven’t seen in a while, coconut brownies, the soap from when I went to Disney in elementary school, changing a few words of a song that was stuck in my head so that it was like it was written for me…

“She (He) does what they wouldn’t dare ’cause maybe you were (he was) born to laugh (dance) and maybe she was (they were) born to stare” –Mister DJ, Superchic[k]

It feels really good to be heard. My school’s IT has a really stupid spam filter that decides that your OUTGOING messages can’t be sent if they contain certain keywords. I got to the point that I was so fed up with it that I brought my frustration to public social media…and tagged my school. See, my preceptor emailed me to say that I would soon receive my username and password for my rotation. All I wanted to do was acknowledge the email, say thank you…and I couldn’t because of the stupid spam filter picking up on the words it didn’t like. It is seriously ridiculous how many emails I can’t send because they contain words on that stupid list. Probably because the school would prefer not to have tweets out there that say hashtag we don’t do polite here, I actually got a tweet back. I have emailed IT so many times with various issues and never have I actually gotten a response back or any other indication that they had even noticed I had emailed, so I had also done the responsible thing and emailed IT, but obviously I knew they weren’t going to do anything…or probably even open the email…sometimes I wish we used groupwise at school so that I could track hey look, it has been a month and the email still hasn’t been read, or hey, the email was deleted without ever being opened…Anyway, so someone called IT and talked to them about it…ultimately, IT is dumb and refused to change the settings on the filter to make it possible to be polite, but it felt REALLY good to at least be heard. I am moderately tempted to start posting all sorts of other problems on twitter and see if marketing can get further on any other issues than I have…but I probably shouldn’t test my luck or make myself annoying…although, they do say the squeaky wheel gets the grease, so perhaps could get resolutions that way…

But seriously people? We can’t send emails that combine the words username, login, or password? How retarded is that? It isn’t automatically spam just ’cause it has those words. There are so many problems with that. IT’s (stupid) justification is that it makes us safer. Umm, no it does not.

  1. If I am replying to someone else’s email that used those words then clearly any information contained is information that person already knows.
  2. If the information is something I wrote and am trying to send clearly I want that person to have the information. (This one has never happened to me…but it could).
  3. If I can’t email the information that doesn’t mean I can’t still give out my login information. You can’t put a spam filter on my text messages or my telephone calls (as far as I am aware), nor can you keep me from posting my login information right here on the internet if I darn well feel like it.
  4. It actually makes me less safe, because while I can discretely send my parents an email with my username and password, if I can’t do that, then I’m going to have to call them, and because phone reception isn’t wonderful at school, or necessarily wherever my parents are at the time, instead of a discrete email I am going to scream my password into my phone and probably repeat it a few times…now not only do my parents know my password, but potentially any number of other people standing around. I do like telling them how to get into my bank account though, because that one is kind of funny…see, the bank decided that if you log in from a computer instead of a phone you have to answer security questions…I don’t actually know the answers to all of my security questions, so my directions are if it asks you something about food the answer is either (answer1) or (answer2). If it asks you about a place it is probably (answer1) but might be (answer2). I don’t know what the answer to that question is I usually just exit out and try again for a different question if they ask that one…also if I use a phonetic alphabet it gets interesting too, because my version is I like ice cream, B like hamburger plain, E like lego my eggo…
  5. Back in February when it was the taxact completion pin in question, it was a significant inconvenience to everyone involved in addition to meaning that anyone else hanging out in the lobby got to know how to access my tax documents.
  6. Most of us have gmail, yahoo, or other email accounts for things we don’t want you to have such easy access to, and my guess, although I haven’t actually tried it, is that if I were off campus using one of those alternative email sources I could also write whatever I wanted and get it sent.
  7. If it weren’t that there are a few people who might be reading that I could see sending emails as me or doing something else equally or more hurtful if they had the information, I am now super tempted to post my school username and password just because I can…just to prove the point that not being able to use those words (without there even being a password or username in question!) doesn’t make us safe…but wanna know my qdoba password? It’s qdoba 🙂 …I’m not very original…I keep the generic passwords as long as systems will let me because for the most part, who really cares?! Plus, if you really want my password I don’t think it really matters how detailed the password…and the more detailed it gets the less secure it is because chances are that I will forget it and use the password retrieval every time I need the password which means that anyone could get in because password retrieval doesn’t care WHO you are…either that or I will create settings that minimize the likelihood that I have to know the password…it is a bad day when my computer restarts, because then I suddenly have a bunch of passwords to remember…don’t I have enough going on in life without needing a password for every single thing in life…

Also, I get that we are way too small to have or need a student health center on campus, but would it be too much to ask that we actually be given information beyond an address and phone number for the nearest clinic? Or that we maybe get information instead for a clinic with halfway decent customer service…you wouldn’t believe how awful theirs is…or actually, if you have had any contact with them, then I guess you definitely would…Also, would it be too much to ask that you not require us to get things done prior to finals when in the past you said the test was fine for 1 year? Not everyone can get home in time to get things done at home and the clinic you suggest doesn’t do the version of the test I have been successful with, not to mention I have not heard a single positive thing about the clinic you suggest besides that they automatically send results to school which means I don’t have to locate your fax number that you conveniently failed to send out with the information about the requirement…and even that, I have heard they may need reminders to actually do…can you tell that someone isn’t a happy camper? Yeah, I cried when I got the email…and have been screaming about it for a while now…I finally located the phone number and address…according to my school they are open 8-5…according to them they are open 9-11 and 1-4…Oh, yeah, I called them twice today…the first time they informed me that they didn’t have the information to schedule appointments yet so I’d have to call again later…the second time the lady made it super obvious she didn’t want to be talking with me as soon as she got on the line, and when I asked to schedule an appointment just repeated that they accept walk-ins and ended the conversation…umm, that’s nice, but if I am going all the way over there, I don’t want to be waiting around until you feel like seeing me…I want to have a scheduled time that I know you are going to see me, and I KNOW you take appointments. Also, if you would have stayed on the line you would know that I have fifty billionty other questions which I may not have actually had the courage to ask, but at least one of them was important enough that I looked up your email address to try to get an answer that way…on the positive side, at least with a walk in you shouldn’t be able to lose my file multiple times while I am physically present in front of you…

Not at all related to school, but today I got a flight of stairs away from my apartment and couldn’t remember if I had locked the door…or even closed it behind me…and I decided I didn’t care, because I didn’t get where I am today by checking things and remembering to lock things…I mean, last year a couple times I left my car door open all day and nothing bad happened…I don’t have much worth stealing…plus, I live on the third floor, so yeah…maybe I’ll think differently if I get home and stuff is gone, but for now, I am thinking about how convenient it is that I won’t even have to open the door when I get home tonight! Yep, I really am that lazy sometimes…I know how to use a key, but I’d prefer not to…

Also, I saw recently that some college is supposedly encouraging people not to recover from eating disorders…well, that’s what the article said, but in reality they are promoting use of fitbits to record the information that students in certain physical education classes are required to track…I have no problem with that…sure, it is a little spendy, but if I went there AND I was medically/psychologically cleared to take a PE class AND I chose to take that class AND I didn’t have a condition that made it dangerous for me to track those things, I might consider the fitbit…’cause not needing to remember to write down and turn in the information and instead having it automatically transmitted to my teacher sounds pretty convenient to me….I see no problem with it…the university even stated that any student with medical or psychological concerns would be screened for appropriateness of the course prior to enrollment and the requirements may be altered as necessary to make it more possible for students to participate…

You’re a winner, the cream of the crop, a hero in the eyes of God

(You’re a Winner—Discovery at Camp Wise’n’up)

 

Last year I tried to stay off of social media for finals…it was moderately successful in keeping me more focused although I have plenty of non-social media avenues to reach distraction…however, my first final is November 24th and my last final isn’t until December 11th, and there is no way I can stay off of social media that long…instead I am going to keep writing and stuff but it’s going to be less edited or focused and more of a stream of consciousness so I get the same joy of creating content without the time it takes to make it look presentable…

I have three quizzes today I am not fully ready for as well as a quiz tomorrow and a final exam tomorrow…if there were a better day for a tornado I don’t know what that day would be…well…assuming that tornado closed school for the next three weeks but didn’t actually mess anything else up…or if it could strike today at about 1 and then tomorrow from 9 until maybe 2:30 and then next Thursday from 1 until like 4?

 

I recently went to see a teacher because I missed every single question on a particular unit on the exam…after talking to the teacher I still completely disagree with his choices as the correct answers, but one of them the reason why there was absolutely no way that my answer could NOT have been picked as the best answer I’m not sure where I came up with, or rather, I am pretty sure I know exactly where it came from. The answer talked about a guy running a marathon in order to lose weight. Although even without my extra interpretation, I think that answer makes the most sense and the other options were kind of dumb, especially since the question was really an opinion question about which patient would YOU spend the most time working with on a particular counseling technique…I am pretty sure I spent too much time reading The Mighty and not enough time studying, because I assumed the guy had anorexia…actually, it make perfect sense to me even now, because if you are running a marathon it seems to me like you probably already are at a reasonably low weight and actually should be eating in such a way to maintain your weight because a malnourished body will not perform well, but an overweight body in a marathon is going to have to work a lot harder…

 

Last Tuesday I had to go to a stupid lunch and learn. First they said required. Then the night before they said we needed to dress nice. Then they completely failed to mention that this lunch and learn was sans lunch…also it was sans learning as well. They said the topic was managing neonatal abstinence syndrome. That actually might have been a reasonably interesting topic if the speaker had actually talked about it…instead the entire 75 minutes was spent telling us to be sure not to stigmatize people because that makes them feel bad and not trust you. No kidding. Not stigmatizing people isn’t really something you can learn from a lecture—if it were everyone would have learned that way back in preschool.

 

 

One of my friends posted this on facebook: “Never have I been so happy to get an “A” taken away from me. #LMFT #whew.” I laughed so hard when I saw that…I really wish there was an A in intern or student so I could post something similar when I graduate…

 

One of my friends told me she’s been voting for me for brightspots at school (a program that is a good idea on the surface but makes there be winners and sorry someone thought you were a bright spot but then we decided they were wrong…or in one of my other friend’s words: sorry, you’re actually a blackhole………which is why I liked the dancing flower event a lot better……….plus this one is secretive, which is why of the three I still think the good stuff list was by far the best). Back on topic, she said she wasn’t allowed to tell me who voiced an opinion against me, but that was a happy moment.

 

Sometimes my computer decides that it is auto-detecting French and I spelled almost every single word wrong…super annoying…except I just figured out how to switch it back to English…which is good since I am no longer fluent enough in French to type papers in French anymore even if I wanted to.

 

What friends are for: I sent one on a mission-ish to confirm that there still is a prayer room…I kind of suspected that based on the volume of people going down the hallway in one outfit and emerging in a completely different one, but I didn’t really know…on the subject of changing clothes though, over the past year and a half it has gotten a lot easier to change clothes in the bathroom without losing my balance–practice makes perfect, perfect I’ll be…also, considering I haven’t stayed overnight at school in close to two years, the toothpaste can probably come out of my backpack…

 

My inner stupid came out last week…yeah, I definitely shouldn’t be up late three nights in a row…The only negative consequence this time was exhaustion, but I know better…I had a lot of fun at small group Bible study, FCA, and then Cru, but three nights in a row is too many…It’s like living in a perpetual nap hangover.

 

I don’t always burn my popcorn, but when I do it becomes a gooey blackish un-identifiable blob that necessitates taking out the trash because the smoke hurts my eyes…actually, that’s not true…occasionally I smolder the edge of the bag before I really burn the popcorn…but I now have popcorn with parmesan on it which smells delicious…

 

I don’t like that people are so focused on France. Yes, it is awful that there was terrorism there last week, but there was also terrorism in other countries last week that we are completely overlooking. Does the terrorism matter more when it strikes a country where the people look more like you? I think not. There are some countries where people live in legitimate founded fear of terrorism every single day. Why do we pick and choose which lives matter? They ALL matter. There is one caveat though…if you are actually directly connected to France as in actually being in Paris during the attacks you have license to freak out a little and act like this is an isolated event. I just read an article from that perspective. It said that the Parisian motto is “fluctuant nec mergitur,” which means tossed but not sunk, and shows the resilience of the Parisians. I love that. I want to adopt that as my own personal motto, ’cause that’s kinda awesome.

 

So there’s this really beautiful song on the radio “your world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place. I’m on the phone stop holding on and just behave. Just behave.” Well, actually, that’s what I thought it was saying, but as it turns out the song is actually “I’m on the throne stop holding on and just be held.” Completely different, but a lot more meaningful and obvi still beautiful…also there was another new song on the radio that I liked too, but IDK what any of the words were…in my world songs are required to have words, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll remember any of them…I am binging on radio music while it is awesome, because soon it will be Christmas music instead, and while I do like Christmas music, I start to miss all the other songs I like, and also Christmas music has a completely different sound to it which makes it harder to fall asleep and harder to concentrate…kinda like how a different radio will make the same songs sound totally different…I am excited for Christmas break when I don’t have to take any tests or write any papers!!

It bothers me more than it should when people talk on speaker phone in places that are intended to be quiet…if you want to talk on speaker phone, go to the cafeteria, go outside, go to your room, go to your apartment, go SOMEWHERE besides where people are trying to study…ditto for if you want to watch videos at full volume without headphones on…if everyone around you is being loud and obnoxious then feel free to do the same, but when everyone else is being quiet and studying then maybe you should do likewise…

Smiling Face Covers Broken Places

(You are loved—Stars Go Dim)

This is what going to the school I go to is like.

You spend all day every day either sitting in front of the computer or laying in front of the computer and thus are very out of shape, because squirming does not keep you in shape. Yeah, you used to walk the hall while studying and that was super helpful for you to be able to concentrate better when you could be in motion, but there aren’t any open hallways you are allowed to walk anymore and you kinda know walking in circles in the lobby is going to cause you to both be stared at and probably repeatedly run into things and people…but you know you are out of shape after running from the res hall to Jones (an equivalent of probably just under a block) leaves you wanting to sit down and not go back because it hurts…I have always hated running, and never been good at it, but I feel like that is pathetic…I was always the one in swimming that rules got broken for because no one wanted to stand outside an extra hour to wait for me to finish the run, but I used to at least almost keep up for the first like 30 seconds…okay…morning edit…pretty sure out-of-shape isn’t exactly the problem, because out of shape isn’t more sore in the morning…pretty sure it has a lot more to do with too much impact…there might be a reason I like climbing swimming and biking but not running…

You spend time convincing yourself that you really and truly are not at all interested in knowing what was said…because sometimes it is probably better for me to just not know what is being said behind my back…but at the same time I really just want to know…it’s one of those control things…it makes me feel more in control if I know even if I obviously have no way to change it after the fact…One of my strengths is input, which means that cataloging useless information is just what I do…at the end of the day, who cares what was said. I can’t make people be respectful. I figure the frustration of not knowing is sometimes better than the dismay if I heard what was said…plus there’s always the possibility that someone put on their big girl undies in the morning and acted respectfully.

You are frustrated that you can’t just go talk to people, but have learned to improvise and will definitely now admit that phone skills are useful…and they’d be even better if I remembered to go somewhere that I could actually hear what was being said on the other side…but when you are wise enough to realize that screaming down the hallway is probably a bad choice and email isn’t working and you have been patient for a few days and are quickly running out of patience, it is a lot faster. Also, someday I will remember to think about what I want to say beyond hi before the call connects…

You pretend and while occasionally it is to protect people from your pain or to minimize awkwardness, more often it is because it is when you stop pretending that you might cry, and once you let the walls down and stop pretending even for a couple minutes, it is really hard to get a grip back on the stones that were so carefully placed together to create the walls, and you lose too much time being upset…and so make-believe becomes your saving grace that walks you through each and every day…you become perpetually “okay” because it is true—your heart is still pumping oxygenated blood whether that is a good or a bad thing on any given day, so you are okay.

You go from the girl who freaked out hardcore in T2 because oh my, the world was ending because she got a 92.5% on the first exam…to the girl who continues to trudge along rocking the borderline between C’s and B’s just thankful she is passing…(okay fine, really hurting and the bad grades are bringing back memories that are reminding myself how to tear myself down better…but outwardly anyway I am making it and joking around that I “only” need to get about 200% on the rest of the exams to pull up my grade)…I can spout the nonsense that grades aren’t really that important, but at the end of the day, I know in reality that is bologna. Grades do matter, and without them you won’t get where you want to be if where you want to be isn’t either in a rural setting or doing something boring like retail or central pharmacy…

You use multiple drops of peppermint oil that specifically says to dilute before use because spearmint is supposed to soothe jetlag and is also supposed to be a more gentle version of peppermint, and you figure stupid daylight savings is kind of like jet lag and it is just past 6 and you are going to crash soon if you don’t try SOMETHING…did it work: well, umm, it kept me conscious, but it didn’t do much in the way of fixing the fact that I was too sleep deprived to think clearly or that I was needing what little thought power was left to try to pull myself out of what seems to be a looming crash…’cause let’s see…lacking sleep, continuing to realize how bad and hopeless my grades and everything else are…sounds like the recipe for the biggest crash yet…it kinda feels like I am in an airplane and it keeps almost hitting the ground full speed ahead yet somehow manages to be pulled back into the sky, so my body continues to feel the sharp jolt of impact but the plane itself hasn’t yet crashed.

Most of all though, you overcome. You take the injustice in stride and pretend it doesn’t hurt. After too much silence you find your voice and can have a little party inside your head when you use it even when you are reeling because you can see something scary in front of you…a situation in which in the past you probably would have been rendered mute for a couple minutes…you may never have guessed that the simple words “I think you are looking for me” would be such a triumph, but you are more than a conqueror…Wiggle Worm is a big girl. She can do anything she sets her mind to except get good grades, because she is stupid…actually she is not stupid, but she is still struggling with the “stupid” reel running in her head as a result of the scary as noted a couple sentences ago.

SRSLY?!

This makes me mad. I changed my password to try to avoid issues, and I have no idea how someone could possibly have gotten the new one…

SRSLY

…but at 11:09 I was either sitting in the res hall responding to texts or going to my car to throw all my clothes in there before I forgot about them somewhere, and I don’t think I even was on facebook at all, much less from a new location or device…

…I could believe that perhaps facebook was getting confused and that it was registering log ins from my laptop as new even though it was still just my laptop if they corresponded to times that I realistically could have been logged into facebook, but it is a lot harder to believe that facebook is getting confused if I WASN”T EVEN ON FACEBOOK…

K…rant over…

I am tired, I am drained, but the fight in me remains

(Love Feels Like–Tobymac)

So this post inside my head was a lot different than it came out on the screen…and now I don’t like the title anymore…but I decided I don’t care anymore and should just finish posting it and go back to studying…

I am kind of frustrated. I thought my facebook was secure, because ever since the last incident, I have been trying to check at least once a day for signs of someone spying on my facebook. In the meantime, I changed my probably easily guessable password and added settings that send me an email every time a log in occurs from a device besides my laptop…and I started getting an email like every week…it said the view was coming from a particular city and since that is where school is and therefore where my laptop is probably registered I just figured it was a fluke and didn’t worry too much about it…until I got two notifications in the same week and that seemed a little suspicious…so I changed my password again…and realized the password changing notification came from a totally different city than the one the alerts were coming from…seriously people? Just when I was thinking I was probably in the clear, now I feel again that my data isn’t so safe…I mean, there isn’t that much to see…I am no longer a stream of consciousness facebooker, and I don’t give out a lot of personal information via facebook anymore but especially if someone is getting all the way into my account that isn’t fair to the people I am friends with, because it also compromises their privacy. Not that I want people to mess with me, but it is SO not okay to mess with my friends. I am fiercely protective even of people I do not care for, and even more so protective of my friends. You don’t mess with my friends…and I definitely have a LOT of personal information from high school stored on my facebook…some of it is in notes visible only to myself (or someone logged in as me)…and some of it was written to friends…or occasionally random people I met once and decided were going to be my awesome friends and therefore shared my life story with…so yeah…either way, someone getting on there could potentially be getting some pretty embarrassing information about me…mixed in with all the ten posts like every day that I totally needed to share…and anything my friends shared with me is what they felt comfortable sharing with ME, not with some random person spying on my page from the inside…okay…stepping off my soapbox…especially since I do not actually know for certain that the notifications weren’t a fluke and maybe the location feature and the other logins feature just aren’t that accurate…

And…Sometimes I know I am probably being paranoid…for example…twice this week what appears to be the same car has honked at me when I stopped for a particular stop sign near my home, and I turn and the car behind me goes straight and then makes a U-turn and heads the opposite direction…and when it happened the second time it made me feel as if I was being followed…of course, being me, my response was to turn up the radio to make sure the person didn’t hear me and then scream butt-face at them (with my windows completely rolled up). Yep, butt-face is one of the worst insults this almost 23 year old can think of, and she felt it at least moderately appropriate momentarily to use it for a driver who had honked at her twice possibly while lost…which means I also felt really bad about myself after doing that, because I don’t know what is going on for that driver. I don’t know if perhaps that driver was trying to get my attention because that driver needed help. I don’t know anything, and yet I assume the worst…I am a bad person, and even though in the moment I mouthed off to the person, as soon as it was over I really wanted to find that person and apologize, because I could recognize that really wasn’t appropriate. Now if I could work on getting the feeling protective of everyone feeling to come before I opened my mouth that would be golden…but I’m only almost 23 so my prefrontal cortex is still developing…

Sometimes after a long day I have to remember that not all screaming is a sign that someone is hurt…I was walking in my apartment building to my apartment and heard someone screaming, and I really wanted to scream that it was going to be okay…and then I remembered that sometimes people scream because they are excited…so then my intrusion would be awkward…so I minded my own business and continued on to my apartment. I don’t know why that person was screaming, and people are allowed to scream without consulting me first to let me know the reasoning…although I suppose with that criteria that it would include negative screams too, because I am pretty sure a rapist wouldn’t put up a sign saying “hello, don’t mind the screaming in apartment #111; I’m just rapin’ someone who hasn’t learned to keep her mouth shut yet; nbd; have a great weekend everyone.” …but I suppose if someone was getting raped it would probably still be a good plan for me to not get involved…especially seeing as how I am also a naïve young female…so note to self…ignore all screams…

This is Laundry Week: time to take the bags of clothes out of my car to sniff test (and spill check) them to determine which need to be washed (definitely all 4 socks regardless of the results of testing), which can stay, and which need to be switched out for the simple reason that required professional attire becomes significantly less professional throughout the semester when you show up every single time all semester in the same shirt and pants…also time to consider if tennis shoes are machine washable, because I was ripping the tags out of my school shoes absentmindedly on Wednesday and discovered that they are kinda salty…but I don’t want to wreck them before the end of the year or shrink them smaller than my feet…

If you were wondering about the shoes: I read on the internet that you can wash them but should wash a towel at the same time to prevent damage to your washer and that they are extremely likely to damage the dryer so I washed them and planned to not dry them…unfortunately, my washer got stuck at 7 minutes left for like 20 minutes and I wanted to go to bed…and the washer door was still locked…so after trying everything else I could think of I switched to a one-minute drain cycle…which also didn’t help because then it was just stuck at 1 minute instead of 7 and was still doing nothing…finally I had the idea that I would leave it turned off for a while and hopefully it would eventually forget it was trying to wash stuff and unlock the door…so I took a short nap curled up on the bathroom floor and that worked…except for the fact that I now had a drippy wet towel and tennis shoes…but I started another load of laundry on a delay cycle in the morning, and the timer seems to now be decreasing in time correctly so I don’t think I destroyed the washer in the process…although something is telling me that the soggy towel probably shouldn’t be sitting in the washer all day anymore than it should have been doing that all night with my shoes…also, even shoes that smelled fine  before seem to take on a not so good smell after sitting soaked on the floor all night…good thing they only need to cover my feet for a few more months…and the internet has lots of ideas for stinky shoes that are even realistic for a normal person and/or a college student…

I recently read something (I can’t remember where) that I thought was really insightful. It was how health care professionals see the negative side of things and therefore see these things as bad, and may create a bit of a stigma to them…alternatively they may see them as really awful to live with and not understand why someone would be resistant or not fully compliant with treatment…the example the article gave was that someone with attention problems is not going to come in complaining that oh my, I really need help because I can’t stay focused on this really negative event in my life and I have compartmentalized it it doesn’t even bother me most of the time…and they don’t come in saying hey look, I really need help, because I was hyperfocused on this project and I might have neglected some things to finish it but look at how awesome it turned out…no, if they come in, they come in complaining of the good things in life they’d like to be able to focus on and can’t or how hyperfocusing on their hobby is taking time away from other things like spending time with people that are important to them. With those complaints, it is hard to see how anyone could function in the long-term that way, much less why anyone would want to do so, but upon looking deeper it becomes clear that there are some benefits beneath the surface on the other side of those complaints…the side that isn’t going to be brought up in a standard patient visit, because they seem pretty positive to the patient, at least in the short term…which is where most people live…I really connected with that viewpoint, and I think it really gives credence to the importance of really getting to know someone before judging their behavior. From what you see as an outsider it might not make a lot of sense, but once you take a step closer and get to know the deeper parts of their conceptualizations of the world, that nonsensical behavior starts to seem downright logical…

Y’all, I am so excited…one of the reasons is something that involves something that is not my news to share…but the other is that as of two days ago, *finally* I have texted and/or called enough on my phone that EES no longer shows up in my favorites tab…that it so exciting for two reasons…one is that although I am sure there is a way to delete people from the list, I don’t know what that way is, and when I am trying to figure stuff out like that there is a high probability of me calling someone inadvertently rather than deleting them so I have just been leaving it alone, but hated seeing that name on my list because while the “favorites” seem to be generated based more on whom I have contacted more than a twice most recently and clearly doesn’t take into account my actual feelings about the person or group, the listing of “favorite” really bugs me…and the other reason is that one of my little buddies in particular back home is really fascinated with phones, and while he just likes watching the screen change and definitely doesn’t mean any harm, he is able to press buttons with impressive dexterity and has almost gotten into my bank account through my phone before, so with the name being on the favorites list it just seemed that much easier that I would turn around for a second and he’s be making a call…which would be adorable for all of five seconds until I panicked when I realized who was being called…

Also, totally unrelated, but I was thinking today that of all the social media sites that I use, the one that seems by far the most impersonal, pinterest, seems to be the one that any casual observer could take a look at and have a really good idea of who I am as a person and what makes me tick…kinda weird how random captioned pictures from the internet can tell my story better than my own pictures and words about life…

Not on the Sorrows I have Known

(Upon a life I did not live–Indelible Grace)

Things I like

I like that I have awesome-sauce friends.

I like that sometimes my lousy reading skills allow me to have huge breakthroughs…for example, for the past two weeks I have been trying to figure out what exactly “must rehab new see” meant…is it a visual therapy place that sign is for with such weird phrasing? Every day I saw this boldly lettered sign and wondered…until I discovered that it actually said “new rehab must see.” Still don’t know what kind of rehab the sign is pointing me towards, but it sure does make a whole lot more sense with the words in the correct order.

I like that I am so known for my silliness and sarcasm that when I was asked if I had someone to sit with and said yes that the person I was asked by double checked to make sure it wasn’t her before walking away…

I like that I tutor anatomy in the car and quietly at church and it doesn’t occur to me at all until later that most people aren’t talking about things like epithelial cells and protein synthesis at church…but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Tutoring is what allowed me to start making friends my own age at school, and so being a little weird at church is a small price to pay for the gift of friendship that tutoring gave me…although, it would be pretty awesome if I could get paid for my time doing that though…there was someone who told me second year that I should just stay clocked in whenever I am awake because I seemed to never stop tutoring (and it was kind of true, I couldn’t walk down the hall to the bathroom without people asking me questions, and during breaks in class I was usually spending that 10 minutes tutoring someone, and pretty much if I was awake people would show up at my room or wherever I was to ask questions or they would email or facebook their questions to me…but I only ever counted as tutoring time the times when the face to face session was confirmed via email and scheduled to last at least an hour…)

Speaking of being weird at church, I love that no one at church cares that I can’t sit still to save my life…mostly I try to sit still, but on the days when I am moving too much, no one seems to mind. I like that people at church have accepted me for who I am instead of complaining that I don’t fit into the mold.

I like that the shock factor of all the really dirty places we “wouldn’t expect to be germy” was totally lost on me…yeah, you didn’t really prove your point with me there pastor; have severe contamination OCD for a while, and you definitely can pick out the germiest locations. I no longer worry about germs, but I am not going to be at all surprised when you tell me that most people’s phones are extremely germy or that soap dispensers tend to be extremely germy…or that restaurant ketchup bottles are gross…umm duh…have you seen what people do to those things? #notsurprised #SOmanypeopleatschooltextandplaygamesontheirphonesinthebathroom …yeah…shock value lost on me. I am so thankful that I no longer have to deal with that, because when you have OCD, not only do you see those disgustingly germy places, but you also see how the germs there are transported everywhere else contaminating essentially the entire world…I mean, there are even germs that can proliferate in a bottle of bleach, so the world is a horribly dangerous and terrifying place from that perspective and pretty unredeemable…luckily I know longer live in that dingy prison of a world and can see that yes, there are germs in the world, but no, getting sick is not going to destroy my life, because yes, I do now have the social skills to handle being sick…I’m sure it is not fun, but possible to manage…

I like that I discovered that school has sugar packets so I don’t really need to bring my own sugar…but I also really like that I also remembered that I will likely throw my sugar out at the end of the year anyway since I don’t really want to move out with sugar and flour, so I might as well just pack my own so it doesn’t go to waste.

I like that I started a trend. I was the second person to send an “I’m creating an email list, reply to stay in the loop” email…so you’d think it wasn’t me starting the trend…but it so was…the first one was sent out in the late morning…mine was sent out in the late afternoon…but as soon as I sent mine, suddenly a bunch of other people sent out similar messages, but they imitated my phrasing and structure rather than the stylistic pattern of the person who did it first… #trendsetting

I tried dark chocolate in my oatmeal a few days ago and I really liked that…so good.

I like that although I know I do need deep connecting friendships, that sometimes I still define friendship pretty similarly to the way in which it was defined when I was in high school…a friend was anyone I could say hi to at least like 50% of the time if I passed them in the hallway…I didn’t have that many friends, and those I had clearly didn’t last very well…but like Saturday morning I met someone and we shook hands and I immediately declared that I had made a new friend…yeah, it might be someone I will only see a few more times in my entire life, but she was super nice and I liked her.

I also really like this article… http://www.healthcaredive.com/news/the-16-most-absurd-icd-10-codes/285737/ …I laughed SO hard reading it…

I like that the sermon this week was about how God loves food, and we should be inviting people into our homes to eat…I have been playing for a long time with the idea of inviting a few people over to my apartment for dinner…I am time limited and space limited which is what has put the ix-nay on even really seriously considering it, but after hearing the sermon I started to wonder if I really could do that…perhaps to celebrate my birthday or something…and if anyone I invited would even come…and that led to thinking about how there are a lot of really awesome people in my life, but they are mostly pretty compartmentalized, but I really wish sometimes that I could bring them all together, because there are some of them from totally different aspects of life that I think would absolutely love each other…

I like that yesterday I was screaming in the car because it was HOT (hello greenhouse effect…) and then I looked in the mirror and determined that I had a beautiful uvula…and proceeded to admire it for 5 more minutes…y’all, if you haven’t ever took the time to look at your uvula you so should…it’s pretty awesome…(the uvula is the stick down thing at the back of the soft palate…I think its job is to keep food/drink from going the wrong direction and ending up in your nasopharynx and nasal cavity)

I like that this morning I haven’t checked my email yet…’cause I said I would upload our case at 6am, except I got to school at 5:59 because getting here in time to actually submit by 6am would have required not spending 27 minutes reading scary mommy before getting up…so I got the case submitted at 6:02…and then before I got on email I figured I’d finish this post and put it up…’cause I love myself and I know I am going to be frustrated if I get nothing done all day because I’d rather edit than study…

Things I don’t like:

I don’t like when I forget to lock my apartment door…not because I am afraid of people getting in and doing anything to it…I still naïvely believe that people are mostly good even though a lot of my lived experience should tell me that is not true…no, I don’t like it because it is frustrating when I get home and turn my key in the door until it clicks but it won’t open…because that click was a lock rather than an unlock…that whole righty-tighty lefty-loosy thing doesn’t really work, because keys twist rather than slide, which means that while half the key is moving to the right, the other half is moving to the left, so it isn’t very helpful to know that little rhyme, because it only applies to half the key, and if I knew which half that was then clearly I wouldn’t have this problem…

I don’t like sunburn. So at the resource fair I got kind of burned…and by kind of I mean my back and shoulders were blistery and are still itchy and peeling now…sometimes I say I don’t like outside, but that isn’t totally true. Outside is where the sun burns me and where I get all itchy and stuff, but on Friday I spent some time outside while I was eating, and being outside and being in the shade but able to see the sun was SO nice…but anyway, outside hurts…

Apparently this year facebook is no longer cool and now the cool thing is group me…which is really just group texting except random number shows up instead of the names of the people in the group so you don’t know exactly with whom you are chatting…that isn’t my problem with it though…my problem with it is that it makes my phone explode with texts all the time…and a lot of them are really only directed at one person so there is really no reason I should be included, or it is two people entertaining themselves by saying hi to each other over. And over. And over…I am used to texts being almost solely things that needed my immediate attention, and I don’t like the constant disruption of my phone lighting up with another text and I don’t like having to sort through the crap to make sure I read the important texts, and I don’t like the idea of just turning my phone off, because I do like to reachable for emergencies.

I don’t like that there was no soap in the bathrooms at school on Saturday (well at least in the girl bathroom…I didn’t check the boy bathroom because I am not a boy…and that on Sunday someone had replaced the soap but installed it wrong so the soap wouldn’t come out and I couldn’t figure out how to take apart the dispenser in the res hall bathroom to fix it…the Whelpley ones were easy: just a good bump in the middle and they opened up, but even pressing on the indented places didn’t work this time…frustrating…Maybe it’s just me, but I kinda like to wash my hands after using the bathroom…actually, based on my experience in public restrooms I can say with some assurance that at least 75% of people at least give lip service to the idea of hand washing even if they clearly aren’t REALLY washing their hands…(Y’all, getting your hands wet and drying them is not actually the same thing as using soap and rubbing it on your hands and rinsing it off…we seem to have a lot of grown adults who have not yet figured that one out…)

I also do not like that I do not have any babies or children at home to play with…I crave kid time…but considering that I am a full-time unmarried student, not having any babies of my own is probably something I should continue to live with…’cause buying kids is expensive and raising kids whether purchased or birthed is time consuming…and expensive…

I bend but don’t break and somehow I get through…these are the mysteries I don’t understand

(Crawl—Superchick…Planes Trains and Microwaves—GoFish)

I’m not going to write the post I really want to write, because I am smart enough to know that expressing myself transparently is a punishable offense because LG is a princess and therefore unpunishable and I’m “only” a student so I don’t matter and can be abused and that’s okay, proper compensation is strict punishment…because I didn’t use to fight back and they trust they’ve pushed me down enough that I won’t change that now…I am SO tired of passively enduring the abuse, but there doesn’t seem to be much of a way out besides waiting until I can RUN away from it and never ever come back…sure, I still pretend my school is a good place because I am diminishing my opportunities for a job if people know how awful my school is, because who cares what your grades are if your grades came from a bad school…I just want to scream from the mountaintops a warning to others to not follow my path…but I can’t…and besides, how am I going to get to the top of a mountain? That sounds expensive. It is unfortunate becoming old enough to know better and not be able to get away with saying everything I think as it comes into my head like this one by someone (not me) in church one day (a long time ago)…”How much longer is that guy going to keep talking”…haha yeah…anyway…

Social media is how I have connected to and learned about my world for a long time…for a girl learning to communicate by observation and imitation thrown into a completely new social environment as an almost 16 year old, social media became not just an activity or even a crutch, but a life line to learn names and who was connected to whom in what ways. Being facebook friends with me meant two things: you were most likely a vital part of my inner circle, and I would see everything that you did on facebook…this was the time before facebook did away with the activity feed and if your friend wrote on someone else’s wall or commented on something or whatever else it showed up in a neat little list on the page…Being not my facebook friend meant that if I still knew you and considered you a friend in real life I probably still was looking at your pictures…I might not have had the social skills to hang out with you in real life, but I needed the social connection that facbook filled for me…these pictures of people meant the world to me, and eventually pictures of people on blogs also kinda sorta became my “friends” too…so you can imagine that four years later when I was blocked for the first time (to my knowledge) on facebook it was hurtful…just gonna say though, that the first time actually wasn’t SO bad, and it prepared me for the second time…which was much more hurtful, because the second time was done quite manipulatively…the second time was done AFTER finding out how much social media means to me…and then went on to be a pattern of blocking and unblocking over and over for maximal hurtful effect…and ended with a bang with getting all her friends to block me too…ouch…and to block me from her blog…and that makes no sense whatsoever…

See, she cites how I might use the information as the reasoning behind the blocking and unblocking…haha…funny…so, let me get this straight…you are freaking out that I will know that you went to a restaurant called “The Block” for lunch with your friends (formerly my friends) or that I will have easy access to two pictures of your kiddo who isn’t even cute anymore (sorry…actually, not sorry…I am tired of protecting you…protecting you is what allowed me to continue to be abused and I don’t have to stand for that anymore (or sit or lay down or anything else)…yeah, that doesn’t mean I should be rude, but not all kids are cute, and yours have outgrown the cute…it doesn’t mean they aren’t adorable or sweet or possibly even beautiful kids or that they might not be cute again some day, but I am not close enough to know them to make that judgement and I am not going to lie and say they are still cute…’cause at least according to those two pictures, they aren’t cute anymore…not sayin’ just sayin’…)…So anyway, as I was saying, you are all up in arms that I might know that, yet you left your tax documents (which I may note you shouldn’t have been using work time for, that’s called stealing from the company…which I know you probably don’t care about, but again not sayin’ just sayin’) sitting on the table you knew I always sat at for a week until I got them out of the way in the box for people’s forgotten prints where they sat for yet another month or so until someone else went through the box to decide what to keep and what to throw away…so what you are telling me is that it isn’t okay for me to easily view kidpics, but it is totally fine for me to have access to a document that likely has your SSN, or bank account info or driver license number or all sorts of other information? (I have no idea what is actually there, because I had no curiosity to look—and wouldn’t have looked even if I had been curious since I knew that page wasn’t one I printed…and I am blessed to have parents who still do my taxes for me and just leave me a note to let me know where to sign and where to send the forms after they are signed…) That makes a lot of sense…so you are worried about how I might use a kid pic but not about how I might use your SSN…I totally get that…oh wait, no I don’t…see, this is the craziness I live with Every.Single.Day at school…

There are a lot of other stories I could tell…like the following year being followed to the parking garage a couple days and then being threatened as if I wanted to be followed…well GUESS WHAT?! I didn’t want to be followed, and I was uncomfortable and crying when I noticed…and *might* have broken a traffic courtesy rule in order to escape one time…but no one *really* wanted to be able to use that driveway I parked in front of for a few seconds…right? (sorry to whomever it was I blocked that day in October…I am not more important than you, and I don’t mean to make excuses, but I was running on adrenaline and I was too busy thinking about my tiny opportunity for escape than I was thinking about how my action might inconvenience you…I truly do feel bad thinking about it…and I worked on driving considerately even when adrenilated…and no I don’t think that is probably a real word, but maybe it can be the word of the year or something)

Also, completely unrelated, but it you have your id clipped through your shirt to your bra you should probably unclip it before trying to change clothes instead of yanking harder when you can’t get the stupid shirt off…I also would suggest not wadding up your t-shirt next to your soggy towel if you don’t want to put on a slightly damp t-shirt later… #learningeveryday

Pulling me from the other side of the world

(Magnetic–flyleaf)

Non-drunk drivers cause 4 in 5 traffic deaths…that is what the signs said as I was driving home…so in answer to the lady in the advertisement on spotify that sounds like she probably thinks she is too cool for you even though she is too stupid to realize what she is saying makes absolutely no sense…so why would you choose to drink and drive? Probably because you got thirsty…or if you are talking about alcohol, because it makes you less likely to cause a traffic death…I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…

but anyway…I have like a billionty-jillion posts saved on my computer that I want to re-read and/or share, and I tried to start narrowing it down, and there were still a LOT of things I liked, so here is a (long) list of things I like…

I like the quadrillion of hashtags in this blog post, but the thing is, as cute as we make it, a month is not enough…people are still sick when the calendar page turns to June, and where is the support going to be then?

So true, but I think the idea behind the blog post was better than the actual carrying out of the post…but trauma can very quickly take over one’s whole identity, and it is difficult to separate the pain from who one is as a person…

Failure means I stop…what we need is persistence. We need standards, but we need strength.

I love this. Broken crayons make weak hands strong. We are all needed. We are not ever forgotten, just waiting to be used.

This article is incredible…the issues I had with church were not experienced quite like this, but oh my…there is another situation that fits well into this framework…Basically all of the big bold words resonate with me, but this one is short and sweet and can be altered to be very true: “Religion will molest you then accuse you of being bitter about it.” Abuse doesn’t have to make me bitter…it can make me sympathetic and courageous.

This story is really touching…A realization of a problem, followed by a promise that it will get better. “Not perfect, but better, so just hang on.”

I am not sure how I feel about this…while I do certainly agree that people should act respectfully towards one another, I also think that as professionals, we have a higher calling towards our patients. They are coming to us because things aren’t going so well in their life and our job as healthcare professionals is not to derive any benefit from them, but to serve them…I obviously do not know the entire situation presented in this article, but to me from the information given, the involvement of the police came way too quickly…calmly talking would have been a much more appropriate solution in my opinion…yes, it does not feel good to be yelled at, but involving someone else is only going to escalate the situation, and your job as a pharmacist is to SERVE people…maybe occasionally you will be praised and that will feel good, but that is not supposed to be your purpose in life…

I believe I have read every story on this list of articles, and almost every single one of them was so powerful and meaningful. It feels so good to know I am not alone. My heart breaks for anyone else who has ever been hurt and abused the way I have been, but breaking for these strangers to whom my only connection is pain, is strangely healing. Just a note, that I have not been sexually abused even though that is what some of these articles talk about. At the same time as it feels good though, it feels scary. I know this is a totally impractical desire, but I really want to somehow be able to protect other people from going through what I have gone through, and reading about how many bad people are in the world that I “need” to protect people from, is kind of scary…it forces me to recognize that I have very little power to protect anyone…I can tell my closest friends when they ask me that I would recommend they just trust me on this and whatever they do, do NOT talk to ___, but I can’t protect the world…Oh my though, besides that, it feels SO good to not be alone in this.

Cartoons about how to beat procrastination…could be cool to do something with this…

I LOVE this…as hopefully a future professional specializing within pediatrics, I definitely can connect with this environmental approach to children’s health…mom’s health will certainly impact baby’s wellbeing..

This is helping me more fully forgive…if you are incompetent and narcissistic and therefore feel threatened because anyone could rat you out if you allowed them to retain enough confidence to do it, it makes sense that you would hurt people and then play victim in order to feel powerful in attempt to cover how inadequate you know you are…It doesn’t make it okay, but it makes it easier to forgive more fully…(also, unrelated to the article, but I am very grateful to the person who helped me recognize that perhaps while some of the abuse was certainly intentional that perhaps parts of it were simply incompetence or poor training, and while ignorance is not an excuse, and the obvious factor should have informed some decisions, that was another propelling moment towards greater forgiveness) 

This is also awesomesauce…things you should know, like it is okay to cry and you matter.

…and now I need to write a list of things that I need to do, because relying on my memory is a good way for things to not get done until it is too late…like packing my intern manual…