Category Archives: Thankful

what do I have that I wouldn’t lose?

(Heart Like You – Love and the Outcome)

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hashtag I know the picture isn’t totally centered on the background…I had issues trying to get the picture to even show up in the post…
  1. Well, I don’t post names except of online friends…which means it isn’t cheating to just say that I am super thankful for my friends. I texted a couple of them yesterday, but there are so many others that are not any less important to me…just that I picked a couple to express my thanks then got distracted.
  2.  I have been learning to eat a lot of things that I’d usually reject. I can even do it without cringing. It makes life around the dinner table a lot easier.

3. skittles. yum. (but seriously, as much as I love them, I have 5 lbs of them left at the moment and my clothes haven’t grown with my waistline).

4. meeting my best friend’s baby at only a handful of days old. Can I cheat and have a second thing: having a picnic with my best friend this summer. What can I say? People are important to me…both the children and the community.

5. My new sweatshirt jacket with thumb holes. I’ve never had a shirt with thumbholes before and I love it so much.

6. I was worried about having somewhere to sleep at night this year. I have had a place to stay every night, and probably will continue to have a place to sleep.

7. I am resilient. I haven’t let huge obstacles keep me from my ultimate dream. Perhaps some of the midpoint goals and desires have been forfeited, but the biggest goal still has the potential to come true (pediatric critical care pharmacy, here I come).

8. I am never not enough. I am always exactly who I was made to be, and that is enough.

9. I graduate in 170 days. I will be free!!!!! I’ve been looking forward to this day for almost two and a half years now.

10. I may have initially resented the comment by Certain Someone that I would probably only ever fit in at church (the implication being because those people are more accepting than the general population) because it was a way of telling me I wasn’t good enough and a way to belittle my firmly held religious beliefs. After three years to get over it and to experience more of the world, I am thankful that I do belong at church. I fit in not because no one else would want me–in fact I make friends easily and I do have friends with beliefs that differ from mine and even friends with no religious beliefs…but it is because these people are different that I fit in. These are people that truly love their neighbor and are willing to show compassion and consistently show kindness to a girl whose ability to trust was shattered. These are people willing to take the time to see past the everything is awesome façade to see that sometimes I’m so busy filling everyone else’s bucket that I’ve convinced myself mine doesn’t matter. These are people who, like Jesus, saw me lonely and invited me in, saw me scared and comforted me. I will never forget one of the first times as a fourth year I let my fear show and instead of being shamed and threatened and manipulated, was surprised to be met with kindness and concern…I was still scared enough that I chewed on my towel in front of a bunch of people, but that’s not the point. The point is that God has used his church to surround me with people who show me what it means to be loved, even in places where I walk in knowing no one.

 

 

We’re all dealt our lumps of coal; what you do with it can turn beautiful

(Nice Naïve and Beautiful–Plumb)

Sure, there are a lot of frustrating things in life, but there is a lot for which to be thankful.

I am thankful that I am not as stupid as some people…I read in the news today that there are some people suing Chipotle because they thought the burrito was only 300 calories but when they ate the whole thing they “felt excessively full.” First of all, what kind of idiot thinks that a Chipotle burrito could possibly be 300 calories? The rice alone probably has more calories than that before you even consider the meat, tortilla, toppings, etc. Second of all, the dude had options besides eating the entire things. Perhaps when the full feeling started instead of continuing to feed their faces they could have stopped eating. Bam. Problem solved…and not only that, but then there would be food security for the next day without any additional payment! What a concept! Just watch these people win themselves some free Chipotle for a year for complaining…Oh yeah, and I am thankful that I am not a whiner even if it means I have to obtain the things I want the polite and responsible way.

I am thankful that I can go with the flow. On Tuesday I was supposed to have a meeting at 1pm. I had an assignment at like 12:15 that I really wanted to get information for before I left. The assignment would probably take at least 30 minutes if not more to do well. The meeting was about 20 or so minutes away. I also needed to at least get some food heated up to eat on the way as I was hungry and my blood glucose at 12:30 was 75mg/dL (yep, my rotation partner now is convinced that my skittle habit is not a problem…I had chocolate cake and apple pie for breakfast that morning). So anyway, all that to say I was only about 1 minute late, but as soon as I arrived, I found out the meeting had been moved to 2pm at school…another 40ish minutes away. It was actually kind of nice to have some extra time…or rather it would have been if it hadn’t taken nearly the whole down time to get the computer turned on and logged in.

I am thankful that people seem to become friends with me before I even think about making friends with them…even if that is why my clothes don’t fit. I will admit that going back to 110 pounds which is probably what I would need for the dress I wanted to interview in to fit comfortably wasn’t a good or realistic plan…I don’t think I have ever been that small in my adult life…but the dress fit me well at 115 pounds before it shrunk in the wash…A lot of my clothes don’t fit primarily because when I went to South Dakota I made a bunch of friends and the main way I was able to spend time with them was to go to what was essentially a buffet three nights a week…that on top of getting meals from the cafeteria that were high in calories and generally low in nutrition…and that on top of the fact that I brought enough food with me that I probably could have gone most of a semester without so much as a grocery run with really only being a little deficient in the calcium category…and of course I come back to school area and am fed so much food. Having friends feels so good that I am happy with the trade of friendship in exchange for pounds…

I am thankful that I do not own a selfie stick…because that means that I am not a self-absorbed jerk. Not that owning a selfie stick necessarily makes you fall into that category, but just saying that I don’t really see the appeal outside of that category…

On a more serious note, I am very thankful for a safe place to sleep at night, and for that I am 172 days away from freedom. If it weren’t for how hard it was to find somewhere to live when I moved out of the res hall a few years ago and to find somewhere to live this year, I wouldn’t appreciate having somewhere to sleep nearly as much…and if it weren’t for how much school has put on my plate and what graduation represents, I wouldn’t be nearly as thrilled about graduating. I am very blessed.

**Just going to note that I still think the idea of listening to the names of all of my classmates and walking across a stage still seems like torture to me. I still have no use for that pointless ceremony. In my opinion, just throw my diploma in the mail and you can save both of us the effort of showing up and pretending this exercise is enjoyable…on the positive side, I am very thankful that it probably won’t be a zillionty degrees like the you have four years left at this place ceremony was…yeah, I don’t see much point in celebrating the fact that a month ago you started making me wear an uncomfortable jacket to most of my labs…dude, nothing changed from the year before except that now you are dictating my clothing choice…I wanna dress myself like a big girl please, and big girls don’t wear white coats…

hand up worries down

(love and the outcome—God I know)

BTW, I LOVE this song right now.

So I just realized I have about a week left of this rotation and a lot of work left to do, so I’m gonna try to write all the things that I have half written on scraps of paper and stuff but do it FAST…lol…

 

You know you are still a social learner and still using scripting when it is 8:01 am and you wish someone a good night. Yep, did that. Well, on the positive side, I did use words that were not strictly required, which is a lot more than I used to do. After that experience I tried really hard to modify my script to a good DAY rather than a good NIGHT. Once I practice it into a script it is hard to change, but mostly I have switched over to a more appropriate greeting for the morning. Also on the positive side: one of the pharmacists at my rotation site told me that she thought my social skills were fine!! Y’all, that seriously means like the world to me. Every preceptor so far has given me the feedback that my clinical skills and other knowledge are great, but that my communication and social skills need some development. I wholeheartedly agree, and am very thankful that so far each of them has been willing to modify my grade so that it didn’t hurt my GPA. I don’t think anyone has ever told me before that I had reasonable social skills!! The closest I’ve ever gotten to that was first year when my friend literally got out of her chair and jumped up and down out of excitement when I used the phrase “I haven’t thought about that” instead of “I don’t know.” So yeah, a comment that there wasn’t a problem in that area was one of the most amazing things someone could say to me. It was a recognition that my hard word was starting to pay off. Sure, I am still practicing conversation with myself in the car and I am still doing a LOT of observing and mimicking and watching for cause and effect to figure out how to communicate, but I used to do all that and still be obviously impaired. Now, apparently, I do all that work and it makes me seem like a normal girl. Yay!! I wish someone had realized there was a problem and gotten me help before I became a college student who fended for herself and when necessary communicated primarily in writing, but I can’t take that back and can only move on from there. In the past few years I have learned to talk on the phone, text, email, and speak normally enough to pass as a normal college student. There is still evidence that I used to struggle, but it isn’t glaringly obvious anymore, and rarely does anyone see the deer in the headlights girl when there is the potential for words being necessary. Occasionally I do kinda avoid answering the phone when I am on rotation, but that is stemming more from knowing that there is a 95% chance I won’t be able to help the person on the other end rather than the pure terror of the phone that fueled my pretend inability to locate the phone in the past.

 

Speaking of improving social skills, it is sometimes unfortunate, because as I’ve learned to enjoy in person social contact, I have begun to crave it. No longer is looking at a facebook profile picture enough to satisfy my social needs. It also means that when people leave my life it actually matters a lot more. Which makes it hard when I am moving every five weeks and therefore leaving behind friends constantly. I hate goodbyes. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into my shell where someone leaving my life didn’t matter very much because I never knew how to get overly connected to anyone—even my best friends. Now I connect and have to let go.

 

Change in subject, I found out this morning that I am not the only one who has ever had physical manifestations of anxiety. In high school there were a few times I vomited because of test anxiety, and even since then I do sometimes have stomachaches because of anxiety (which is unfortunate, because the anxiety is usually surrounding fear of getting sick…). Not that I ever would even wish my enemies would feel sick, but it was good to know that my friend had a stomachache because of anxiety, because that normalized it for me. Okay fine, and it made the whole situation a lot less scary because my OCD decided to flare this week. I know exactly what happened: I was still super sensitive because of the recent move to a completely new environment. On Sunday someone had said she had just thrown up. A few hours later someone said it was flu season and they were pretty sure someone was going to start vomiting. At the hospital I think it was on Monday but it might have been Tuesday I saw and heard someone throwing up over and over and over and over. That is what broke me and I almost didn’t eat lunch that day. I took my lunch break because the anxiety was so high that I was struggling to do the basic task of alphabetizing and dispensing prescriptions. I went and got some food because I know better than to skip lunch and was determined that OCD was not going to win. I stared my food down for a few minutes before putting it into my mouth, but I was wildly successful. I started putting food in my mouth, and as I did, the anxiety dropped far enough that 95% of the food made it to my mouth. Food is my drug.

 

Speaking of anxiety, I know that lack of sleep can make me vulnerable, but I learned yesterday that if I am exhausted enough then it is like I don’t have the energy to feel anxiety and the mute button goes on. It makes it a lot easier to give presentations that way. I am not saying that intentionally not sleeping would be a good idea for presentations…in fact, it probably makes the presentation worse because I can’t track what I am saying long enough to even get to the end of a sentence and know where I was going with it when I was at the beginning of the sentence, but it is really nice to be able to give a presentation with no fear. I will note that it was not intentional that I didn’t get much sleep. I was up a little late because two of my friends were going to leave soon and I wanted to get in as much time as possible. Then at midnight I woke up to a lot of beeping. I thought someone was texting. Then I realized I was the only one in the house and if someone was texting then it must be an intruder, so either there was an intruder or there was an unidentified noise that I should probably ignore. I decided I would get out my computer and look up the number for security just in case I needed it then I would try to figure out where the noise was coming from and if I could get it to go away…well, as it turns out, the sound was my computer. It apparently had come open in my bag and among other things was trying to send an email without the recipient filled in and therefore continued to beep about an error. Craziness. So I solved that problem, reset all the settings that had gotten screwed up on the computer, plugged it in because it was now almost completely out of battery, and tried to go back to sleep. Hahaha good luck with that. There were train whistles almost constantly until about an hour before the alarm went off. Needless to say, I turned the alarm off and went back to sleep, waking up in just enough time to my rotation on time but not enough time to do any of the practicing I intended to do in the morning.

 

Fear is a funny thing. I am scared of a lot of things…but not the things I should be scared about. I drove around with my gas light on not knowing where I might find a gas station and I stopped half asleep in the dark at a gas station in a city that may or may not be overly safe. And I had no fear about this process…yep…I can be terrified of things that shouldn’t matter one day and have no fear about things that do the next…my mom has always said that normal is a really low standard, but I still really believe that I’d like to be normal some day.

Who I am is moving on

(Josh Wilson—No More)

I know exactly what I want to say, but not how to say it…which if you read the rest of this post you will understand why that is a very common experience for me…lol, intro sentence introducing the topic…

I read this article today and I think you should too. This is eerily similar to my story and makes me think maybe the SM (selective mutism) I saw on a differential for me in my records wasn’t too far off. Sometimes I knew exactly what to say, but couldn’t make words. Sometimes even now, writing someone a “quick” email can take hours of deliberation and maybe a couple days to psych myself up to hit send (thankfully not constantly—mostly just when I am stressed out for other reasons). Sometimes even the nonverbal communication arena was far outside my abilities. If you didn’t know me then, I do want to put out a quick disclaimer that I know people who primarily saw me in silence wondered how I managed to make it through life, but it definitely wasn’t overly unpleasant. When you live that way you quickly learn how to survive and even thrive with minimal communication. I also was very lucky that the classroom was one of my most comfortable settings so even before I was much of a talker, I never had too much trouble with academics (aside from speech class…I have passed most speech classes with insane amounts of efforts to at least pass the speeches combined with doing anything possible for extra credit to boost my grade into the safe zone…let’s just say that most people probably don’t practice their speech until it is good enough record it on an mp3 player and listen to it on repeat during nearly all waking hours for the month prior to the speech, but that is how I passed my college speech class because there weren’t extra credit opportunities). Now I am a talker and it is thrilling to be able to communicate a lot more readily. If I am being honest, I still have a lot of roadblocks in my way. Some of them were not placed by my brain, but I would be lying if I said that I am 100% extravert 100% of the time. I do still sometimes fall into the role of observer. I do still sometimes watch from the outside wishing I were on the inside. A lot more texts get written than get sent. A lot more words remain thoughts than are shared.

This is going to sound like totally off topic, but someone remarked recently that younger people have to be able to learn a lot faster than older people have ever had to learn. Every day new things are discovered about the world. Once we are older, we mostly just need to keep abreast of these new developments, because we have learned the baseline knowledge already. Younger people, on the other hand, are still working on the basics while all these new things continue to be discovered and there is infinitely more in that baseline than there ever was for us because it now includes all the things that have been discovered daily up to that point, yet education is still supposed to be completed in the same or a similar amount of time.

So to bring it back to clearly on topic, I thought about that and realized it is kind of where I am with communication skills and social skills. I have always worked hard to learn these skills, but in middle school it started being obvious to me that there must be some secret to these skills that I was missing and I was falling behind. Retrospectively, I think that secret was the lack of social anxiety. (I could be wrong—maybe there was another secret and because I didn’t know the secret and didn’t have good skills the anxiety developed secondarily—I didn’t really experience it as anxiety until probably late high school because I was an avid avoider and mostly didn’t have to face the situations I was bad at…it really only manifested as frustration with myself until late high school). Anyway, my peers still learn more about how to effectively communicate daily, and I am behind and having to try to catch up because I am missing a lot of the basics they mastered over a decade ago. It is really hard sometimes, especially because as my social skills grow, so too does my awareness of how far I still have left to go, but thinking about that statement about younger people needing to learn more rapidly, it makes me really proud of myself. I have worked really hard to be where I am today. While I may not be at the top of the heap socially, people who are just meeting me generally no longer have any reason to think there was ever a time I wasn’t able to communicate on a reasonable level. I certainly have plenty of room for improvement, but the difference between my peers and I is no longer so wide that I am discounted before I am ever given a chance. That is probably the thing that bothered me the most when I wasn’t a good talker. I hated being told what I couldn’t do or being excluded to my face. It might have been harder for me, but I wanted a chance to try. I may have needed a little adaptation or a little flexibility in how “good” the verbal skills had to be, but I wanted to be included. Inclusivity has always been really important to me, and I think it is very much because of how often I was excluded either unintentionally by people not realizing I wanted to be involved or not knowing how to include me, or intentionally when people didn’t want me or assumed I couldn’t do it anyway. I am sure some of that was a well-intentioned attempt to not place me in situations in which I was bound to fail or otherwise was certainly not intended to hurt or limit me at all, but the result was that I learned how it feels to be on the outside and developed a passion for preventing others from being left out.

I refuse to be ashamed of where I came from, because I worked hard to get to where I was even if it wasn’t quite good enough, but I am so proud of where I am now. I certainly wish I was better than I am now, but I also know I have worked hard to get where I am, and that is something to be celebrated. I refuse to mourn where I am not when where I am was such an accomplishment. This concept seems hard for some people to grasp, and I have likened it to the learning of a child, but another example would be that while the straight-A student might be devastated with a lower grade and not be that proud of that grade or even their other grades because that one grade is not so good, the straight-C-with-occasional-D’s student is thrilled to be graduating and celebrates his or her accomplishment with pride. It is all about perspective. If you had told me a few years ago that today I would be asked to give a presentation about two minutes prior to the presentation and I would be able to confidently say that the presentation went pretty well, I would have told you that was a lie. Actually, no I wouldn’t, because I would be busy laughing my head off. Or, no, I probably wouldn’t, because I would be so terrified I would just stare at you blankly and try really hard to smile politely. That is just something that would very likely not be possible at that point, and I don’t think I really believed the light at the end of the tunnel was that close…I actually don’t think I realized at that point that even an AWESOME communicator could even do that. It was just so far out my realm of reality and possibility to even be considered as an option. But yeah, that is a true story. My preceptor told me her idea of something for my to present to the pharmacists. I agreed to do it and asked when this presentation was going to occur and the answer was in about two minutes. I quickly brainstormed what I was going to say, then I presented it with no practice run, and no preparation aside from the previous two minutes. I really did rock it! I was so proud of myself. I can’t say I would ever volunteer to spontaneously give a presentation, but it was incredible to realize that I could do it, and it was probably really good for me to have another opportunity to practice presentation skills. In reality, not having the topic and details in advance or even knowing it was going to happen more than two minutes before it did happen meant that I didn’t spend hours upon hours working on what I *should* say or obsessing over whether it would be good enough. It saved me tons of practice time and re-working time. It is definitely a little more nerve-wracking to go into a presentation so blatantly unprepared, but at the same time knowing that my preceptor anyway knew that this was impromptu (even if I’m not sure anyone else did) greatly decreased the stress level as I knew that with the minimal guidance on what was expected and the minimal prep time that there was a definite limit of what could be realistically expected of me. I think I actually might like the idea of an impromptu presentation, because it evens the playing field a bit, because I doubt that there are more than a handful of people who would choose to do a presentation without first practicing, so it is taking anyone out of his or her comfort zone. Side note that I was so far behind on communication skills in high school that even impromptu speeches couldn’t bring me all the way up to where everyone else was—even though I did practice in whatever ways I could prior to days I knew there might be impromptu speeches. God has done some pretty incredible things in my life.

Too many leaders. You asked for followers. So take the lead now, ’cause your my father.

(What You Want—Tenth Avenue North)

This is kind of halfway between brain dumping for finals and a legit post…

You know you are distractible and have a moderately selective (but not choice-ful selection) memory when: you forget to take ibuprofen and then wonder why everything you took did absolutely nothing for you…and then look in your pill case to take more things and realize that umm, no, you didn’t take any ibuprofen because you packed three red (200mg non-flavored) and 2 orange (100mg flavored) which is the same number as is left in there…oops…well that explains why it didn’t work. I actually did take the tums and vitamins, but I did not take the ibuprofen. Let’s just say when I was on antibiotics in high school the only way I knew if I had taken it was by counting how many were left in the bottle based on the days I remembered skipping it…yeah, I am a really lousy example…don’t get your drug taking modeling from me…although in my defense, I didn’t want to be on antibiotics and it was my parents idea and they made it clear there was going to be a loss of privileges if I didn’t…(but I was pretty sure they wouldn’t keep track close enough to know if I skipped it sometimes)…oh, but I can totally spin this into a positive–I don’t have issues taking ibuprofen anymore like I did when the OCD was taking over!

Today I learned that I can have a really awesome day AND take a final.

After doing a wiggly happy dance in the early morning re-reading the notes of a bunch of my friends, and then crying in the late morning because I felt really left out, I got a really awesome surprise! I still am very much a draw an extra set of lines inside the lines kind of person, but I am also all for not being left out. I would have been happy with just a cookie and a cup in which to make my own tea, but I got to have whatever I wanted, which I re-translated into I can go one time and do not go anywhere but that one place and keep eyes straight ahead, no talking, no playing games…but I was thrilled. Also, that there was actually caffeine free options that didn’t come out of my backpack!! That like never happens at school!

Oh my…that one video about fidgeting I referenced a few weeks ago that I had been watching while waiting for people to come be tutored, well, it talked about Tangles, and I was like, aren’t those intended to be a baby toy? Except, I was playing with them today, and they really are so much fun and there were even fuzzy pieces…except, the non-fuzzy ones get very hard to take apart and put back together when your finger start getting sweaty…so, yeah…I don’t like not finishing what I started, but it was getting very close to time to get out of there, so I had to leave it not 100% sorted by color…but I put it all in a pile NOT on the floor when I was done so it wouldn’t be like stepping on legos to the next unsuspecting customer. Right next to my declaration in the sand “I love me” because I do. Love me that is. I’m pretty awesome. You should get to know me.

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I was so happy that someone told me I should take a CD and even though I wasn’t a fan of the music and don’t really need extra things to pack up, I almost did…until I saw the words on the CD and went NO WAY and dropped it like it was burning my fingers (hey, at least I didn’t fling it across the room…but even if I had, it would be a lot more convenient to pick it up and put it in its rightful place on the table than when I throw my pencil or paper off my bed at my apartment and have to go find where it went and then climb back up onto the bed)…but anyway, after reading the first two words on the CD ain’t no one tricking me into pretending to like that. (Yes, I know that is improper use of the word am not). Besides, I come with my very own music in the form of a computer and a phone with headphones so even if the music wasn’t kind of annoying and was instead just okay, why would I listen to subpar music when I could listen to AMAZING music. (Plus, I don’t even know where my disk drive is and my CD player at my for real house is reserved for Sleep Sound in Jesus by Michael Card). There are a bajillion songs/musicians that I adore like Plumb and Thomas the Tank Engine and Blank Space (WUM) and Maternity Pants (Elle), but there are some I don’t, and that is okay. I get to have my own opinions. You can have your own opinions, but I get to keep mine.

Also, there was this toy full of lights and water and scented smoke and that was awesome too and I didn’t even spill the water on myself…LOL…my mentee, remembering how clumsy I can be, was kind of worried that I was going to end up with soggy pants to take my final, but there was not much water in there and it had a pretty wide base, so it would have taken talent even for me to spill…and I mean, I do have talent, but not that much talent…now, if it had been filled up to the 500mL line, then yeah, there would have been a pretty good chance I would have been wearing the water if I had played…but I am smart enough most of the time to know my limits, so if it were that full the cap would have gone back on without me playing with it…also, there were TWO red markers in the room…how awesome is that?! Doodle time!!

The final didn’t go super awesome today, but I can honestly say that I did my best, and I could have studied forever and ever and not had any better idea what the teachers were looking for on a variety of the questions…so many times I was like umm, yeah, I could totally explain to you the information you are trying to test me on, but I have no idea what you are attempting to ask me with this question. In this case, some of them may be partly 2/2 my not so awesome reading comprehension level, but sometimes I think it is fair to say that the question was just somewhat poorly worded. I wish there were an explanation box so I could tell them what I was thinking to justify my answer to show that I really did know what I was talking about even if I didn’t pick the answer they were expecting based on that information.

One more final.

369 days.

Not a Doubt Check it Out Better Believe that God Rocks

(God Rocks Theme)

But it is hard to believe that God Rocks when I just finished an exam that I know I didn’t do well on in a class I really needed to pull up my grade in. Even though on the outside I claim that it is fine because D’s get degrees and because I know exactly what my problem is and it is definitely not intelligence or effort, on the inside it really bothers me. Right now is not a good time for me to talk about that though, so we’ll move on to a random assortment of all the things my brain wants to write about after telling myself no more blogging until after the exam.

Yesterday for the first time, I got lost getting from the other school I have a pointless class at back to my actual school…I figured it was no big deal that I had no clue where I was because I still was oriented enough at that point to know what general direction I needed to go to get back to school and assumed that eventually I would end up somewhere I recognized…yeah, unfortunately the random road I chose to turn on actually very quickly became an entrance ramp to the freeway…exactly what I didn’t need when I just wanted to get back to school to study and was frustrated about even having to go to the other class…On the positive side, I forced my way over to the exit lane for the very next exit and ended up somewhere I could figure out getting back to school from…I was frustrated, but Nutella makes everything better.

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This week I stopped hiding how much it hurts to see this one thing…sometimes the energy required to hide my reaction just isn’t worth it…it’s not like it is a surprise that certain things will upset me…

Sometimes you have to laugh about the little things so you don’t cry about the big things. A few days ago I literally LOL’ed, because apparently the homepage of my blog came up for someone’s google search of “after suicide picture.” I’m not really sure what that person might have been looking for, but I am fairly certain that my blog wasn’t it…

I have a very loose definition of “emergency.” See, there is at least 2oz of skittles in my car at all times for emergency use only—that is, not to be used just ’cause I want it…However, with no defined criteria for what constitutes an emergency, the utilization review would be a bit interesting to interpret…So, last week when I was quite obviously crashing, struggling to breathe because I was crying so hard, and attempting to drive home, barely able to see, that apparently did not constitute an emergency. Not having any candy whatsoever on Saturday counted as an emergency because it would have been too easy to fall back in if anything happened. Tuesday? Well, I am not exactly sure what the emergency was besides I thought there was free cake and sunscreen in the res hall and there wasn’t…which was kind of a problem that I defined that as an emergency, because inside my head I was done for the day at 4:20 and could go home if I was struggling…but outside my head, I actually am not done until 8:30, and remembering what was going on the week of the last T4 exam was pushing me into the danger zone where I really actually might need the bag of skittles that was inhaled three hours ago…so we were down to just prayer that I’d make it…spoiler alert: I did.

I created a new pinterest board: The Healing Path…I am kind of biased, because everything about it is all mine (Except the information from the book obviously), but I think it is pretty awesome…

So yeah, last weekend I decided I was tired of cleaning chocolate off of my sheets so I needed a new place to study besides my bed (or the floor, because my knees get sore too fast on the floor)…it is no good when you notice what you think might be a new chocolate crumb rubbed into the sheet and attempt to lick it off only to discover that it is actually smeared blood from either my fingers or my face where I picked away too much skin that will have to wait another week for laundry day…priorities…I have them…see, chocolate smells weird at night when I’m sleeping, but blood doesn’t…

So I started out sitting in my chair the way it is intended to be used…but being on wheels was super distracting for actual studying…so I took the ball off of the base, put a beach towel on the floor, and used my big red ball to support my weight in frog position…besides not being able to have so much paper at eye level or spread out within reach around me, it is a really great way to study…it is a good thing that I don’t have a blue ball, because anatomy has made the phrase “big blue ball” sound really dirty…let’s just say there is a giant reproductive model that is blue that everyone loves…and refers to as the big blue ball…

I took a picture, but I have no idea where I put it…

Maybe I’m like the girl shrek who turned green when she got married…’cause I might be half frog…

Sometimes my mouth is like “hey would you like me to stay” when my brain is screaming “please give me an excuse not to go back to school today.” So even if my grades are lousy, I am not spending extra time here to remediate, because I am reaching that point where every single day is a conscious choice about whether it is really worth it to keep going…even though someone did say I should set up an advising appointment to discuss class registration…I sent an email back that I wasn’t planning on registering unless I failed something and would set up an appointment when that happened…

As much as I hate daylight savings and givings, it is super awesome that bedtime comes an hour earlier, because I feel so much more alive…on the negative side, having a boatload of energy and no good way to use it up is not so awesome for my ability to study…and bringing my ball to school is not an everyday thing…

A word to the wise: check that your cup is empty before pouring in milk…’cause vanilla milk + the sprite already in your cup = no Bueno…not that I accidentally did that or anything…

…somewhat surprisingly, somehow Thursday of last week did not repeat itself at all this week! I was close to crashing on Wednesday, but I didn’t!! (Well, crashing emotionally that is, I was obviously crashing physically, because my lap was vibrating the entire drive home and it wasn’t until I got out of the car that I realized that my alarm was going off…my alarm was not *just* vibrating…I’m not going to re-hash last week since that is what I wrote about last week and I don’t think I need/want extra processing now, but I am so happy to not have experienced it again despite the obvious stressor of another therapeutics exam…My guess would be that it has something to do with taking (in my words) far too many micro-breaks and discovering bouncing on my ball instead of staring at the wall when the energy overflows at my apartment, but either way, not having breakdown or flare at all is wonderful, especially since I also even attempted exposure on Monday (I say attempted, because I didn’t do it the way that was in my head that was a lot more intense, because I wanted to protect myself from crashing in a setting in which it would be hard to escape and in general from crashing again prior to said therapeutics exam…but I probably shouldn’t say attempted, because I actually did it. I worked hard on that, and every little bit counts.

Plus, it was marginally successful since I wore my glasses in EBM on Tuesday and didn’t just let them fall off my face when they started sliding…

…And I have a list of like fifty-billionty teachers I should have emailed over the course of the last week (slight exaggeration) that I didn’t because I felt too busy to put words together, and so I should at least start that with the minutes I have left prior to my next class…

We’re Walking Into the Forest

(Kick Drum Heart–Avett Brothers)

In my law book there was a story about a woman who didn’t receive the birth control she was supposed to at a pharmacy and as a result got pregnant and had a healthy child. The book uses this as an example of compensation, putting the “victim” in the position in which he or she would have been had the action not taken place—the pharmacist was required to pay the cost of pregnancy and raising the child.

 

I find that a really lousy example. Without getting pregnant she would not have had the sweet experience of the deepest love one can ever experience: holding a sweet, beautiful, healthy, newborn child. Sure, kids are expensive and she wasn’t planning on one yet, but if the pharmacist is paying the full costs it seems to me like she is getting a double benefit: she gets to keep both the kid and the money…jackpot!! I am not advocating that we should take babies away from their parents, but it seems to me that the joy of a child should be most of the compensation she gets and so the pharmacist should only have to pay maybe half of the costs, because yeah, she intended to not get pregnant, but let’s get real, there’s a pretty good chance that she had a copay on her prescriptions and would have been paying something for a while anyway…and how do you not notice that your birth control looks totally different than it has before?! I am also not advocating that pharmacists can fill prescriptions with whatever they want—that is clearly wrong too.

 

Anyway, that got me thinking about how a lot of people have asked my position on dispensing birth control. I believe that murder is wrong whether it occurs in an adult or an unborn child. While philosophically people argue about when life begins, biologically, it is not up for discussion whether or not life begins when the sperm meets the egg. Oral contraceptives act by preventing implantation of the zygote (egg+sperm), thus ending the pregnancy long before it is detectable. For this reason, I believe that oral contraceptives should not be used if a patient intends to exercise use of their baby-making parts without further protection. I will not refuse, however, to dispense birth control for a few reasons. First, some people are using it in a legitimate way for conditions totally unrelated to killing babies and have no intention of utilizing its other function and it isn’t practical to sort through that at the time of dispense. Second, if I don’t give it to them, I am legally obligated to ensure they have another way to get it if they want it, so it doesn’t really do anything but make me a jerk if I say no. Third, legally, it is acceptable to use birth control regardless of what you want to do with it, and my freedom ends where yours begins. I don’t really think it is my place to act as God and tell you what you can and can’t do. I do know people who refuse to sell it, but in my opinion, it makes more sense to just do it.

 

On a totally different note, I saw this hilarious statement on a blog recently: “Remember to treat your password like your toothbrush. Share it with no one and change it often.” The article also gave a lot of easy to remember passwords which were supposed to be ones they didn’t recommend, but I looked and decided those seemed like good ideas for this girl with an excess of information competing for limited spaces in her head.

 

Sometimes I feel lazy (one of my friends would comment that lazy isn’t a feeling…)…but the vast majority of the time I am not really being lazy even if I feel that way…when I wake up and can’t keep my eyes open long enough to type in my whole password to my email before the screen goes dark again and I have to try again, that is probably a good sign that I still have sleep to catch up on rather than that I am lazy…and if the test is pass fail and I can finish in 25 minutes without checking my work and the only consequence for failing is probably going to be re-taking it over spring break when I am not so squished for time anyway, it makes a lot better sense to turn it in and get outta there. It isn’t lazy, it is time management…and besides, everyone needs a break, even me…

 

Side note number 3: When I totally wasn’t distracted (okay fine, yes I was) I found a document on my computer labelled story. It was an article I had written first year when psychcentral put out a call for personal descriptions of what counseling is like. It was a good reminder to be thankful for what I have, because everything I have is a gift that I worked for. It has been a long time since the days of it being an accomplishment to say hi to a friend. On the other hand, it made me mourn the loss of naïve trust and innocent belief that people would always have pure motives to help me…and I wish I still could believe that self-advocacy is effective…originally I wrote a lot more than this, but I couldn’t decide if it was internet appropriate, so I decided to delete it…also, I discovered this week that someone posted my name, cell phone number, school, and email address on the world wide web for anyone to see…if that same someone wasn’t already calling me twice a day I would complain, but since I don’t want any more intrusion into my life, I am just being frustrated inside my head (and on here)…thank God that I finally figured out how to auto-reject the calls though! Thrilled about that!

10-year V-v-v-v-v-veterans serving up the medicine

(Loud’n’Clear—TobyMac)

 

I got an email a couple days ago with the subject line of: silence kills so we speak. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. The actual email wasn’t so exciting, but I so agree with the sentiment in the subject line. Silence is the worstest thing ever. There are two reasons. 1. Like the video I have pinned on pinterest elucidates, being excluded hurts just as much as being physically and verbally bullied if not more because no one can really see how you are being mistreated. 2. Shame breeds in silence and silence drives away connection. The very worst thing for someone who has experienced something difficult is to be unable to talk about it. Words are powerful and by association, lack of words is similarly powerful.

 

Thank you guys! I reached 50 likes this week! IDK if that is a current prevalence estimate or an incidence (that is, whether it includes people who clicked like and then unliked a post, or if it only includes people who actually currently like one of my posts), but either way that was kind of exciting! My stats stopped being useful back in June/July 2014 when a bunch of views was really more likely to mean one particular group of people were looking for anything they could twist than that there were really people liking what I was writing, but I feel that likes are a more reliable way of measuring if I am having an impact, because I read a LOT of blog posts, but I click like on very few of them. (although I also don’t go looking for posts I won’t like…unless you count the germ stories I compulsively read when struggling)…

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I am really proud of this ice cream cup. It turned out so pretty (well at least until I dropped the plastic bag I was carrying it in a few times on the way out the door this morning). It still wasn’t too messed up at lunch time though as you can see…haha, not pictured: the mess of drips on my kitchen counter involved in creating this particular bowl of ice cream with pretzel flavored magic shell on top…magic shell does not harden on the kitchen counter…

 

Today (Tuesday) I took a field trip to stupid new building to get my quizzes both to find out what my score was and to make sure I was doing the problems in such a way as to earn points…I came back without a quiz, but I wouldn’t say it was completely a failure, because I did come back with cake with Christmas tree sprinkles on it in my stomach…right after I re-listened to the video about how sugar and carbohydrates are the enemies of concentration…but how could I possibly say no to cake?! Someday I’ll get my quizzes…and even if I get a D in all my classes I’ll still eventually become a pharmacist even if I can’t get my ideal job, I still have my whole life ahead of me and can work my way up to where I really wanna be…

 

It’s one of those weeks where I really don’t have time for a bunch of extra things even like my favorite Bible study…which basically means that I really need to make the time, because if I am going to lose study time, I’d rather lose it to something that makes me happy than to an OCD flare.

 

One of my aunts called with a medicine question. I really like playing pharmacist…except, I am one of those people who prefer not to hurt anyone’s feelings…which makes it hard when someone wants to argue over whether a particular disease actually exists…Do I believe it is real? Yes. Do I believe that it is often over-medicated or over-diagnosed? Yes. But do I want to tell you that I disagree with your opinion that this is a made-up disorder? No way…the drug-info I am very happy to impart, but I’ll leave you to make your own decision on whether or not the disorder exists…

 

This rocks my socks: http://www.today.com/parents/university-president-blasts-students-being-too-sensitive-not-daycare-t58811 . True that! Are there some things that are true injustices on college campuses? Yes, but do people freak out at things that are completely fine? Also, definitely yes. Like the blog I wrote for a project first year said, blessed are the flexible for they will not be broken in two. I can’t remember what the point of that statement was in the project, but I know that it fits here pretty well…listening to the video I was outraged. Every person deserves respect. Students were screaming at reporters in the video. To the reporters credit, they remained calm and either dusted it off their shoulders and ignored it or calmly responded to the students, but that is completely unacceptable behavior on the part of the students. Another part of the video showed students screaming in the hall of what appears to be an academic building. Also, completely 100% unacceptable. There are acceptable ways to show your positive and negative emotions and screaming is not one of them…unless your child is about to walk into traffic and you need to immediately get their attention…

 

I have a final tomorrow. I hate finals. I really do know stuff right now…but I know that when I am there it is really a roll of the dice whether or not I’ll know it…Story of my life…which is why I try really hard to study to the point that I know my notes inside and out to minimize the chance of forgetting everything…yeah, when I say I know nothing, sometimes that might be true, but more often it means I know the material but not yet to the point I will still know it and be able to recall it fast enough when faced with a big scary exam that makes the downstairs brain kick out the upstairs brain (yes, this is an analogy I learned when I totally wasn’t on pinterest this morning…)

Got that fire when they thought she’d fade away…some days she feels like cryin’ but she’s holding on surviving on the love that makes their little house a home

(Fighter–Jamie Grace)

Alternatively titled: I have opinions and one of them is that you probably don’t want to read all the way to the end of this post…

1128152014-00In my happy place…creating…umm, yeah, my happy place does double as the floor of my apartment in this picture…pretty much any flat surface, preferably a bed or a floor makes a good spot to create. Tables aren’t as comfortable…I make them work all day at school because that’s what normal people do, but I am so much more comfortable curled up on my bed or on the floor…speaking of comfortable…I was goofing around and tied my sweatshirt around my knees, and it made studying at the table at school so much more comfortable on Saturday that every time I had to untie it to get up I retied it as soon as I sat down again…the only problems were that it got really hot underneath the layers of sweatshirt, so if I could just find a giant rubber band, that would probably work better and that if I dropped something it was kind of a nuisance to untie myself, pick it up, and then retie myself…but yeah, I deserved some creation time…not because I worked so hard…’cause I didn’t. Actually, I am a bit frustrated with myself because I got less studying done since I got out of class early Tuesday afternoon than I usually get done after getting out of class on Friday…and I have SO MUCH to do…but I deserved creation time, because we had a little problem at church…

 

See, first I had like 20ish different people picked out inside my head that I might sit with at church, and also a list of people that I was going to talk with…sounds good, right? Well, except that I didn’t see any of those people there…which wouldn’t be a huge deal, especially because someone I am kinda getting to know came in late and asked to sit with me and I was able to say yes, and because someone else I know said hi to me…but that didn’t set me up for success, so when the pastor this week said something I didn’t agree with I started spiraling…slowly at first, but then deeper and deeper…

 

“Anxiety is what we experience when we are doing for ourselves, instead of doing for God. It is sin.” I am sure no harm was meant by that statement, but I need to very strongly disagree. I would have been less upset with the statement if he had substituted the word “worry” which is the word that the Bible actually used in the passage we were reading, but using the word anxiety got my attention a little too much in a bad way. No, anxiety is not necessarily doing for ourselves. Because sin entered the world, we do have illnesses like OCD, social anxiety, PTSD, GAD, panic disorder, and phobias…and we also have cancer, colds, influenza, diabetes, asthma, and ebola. If you wouldn’t tell someone with a cold that their sore throat is because that they aren’t doing enough for God, then you shouldn’t say it about someone with panic disorder. If you wouldn’t tell someone with cancer that they got it because they were doing too much for themselves then you shouldn’t say it about someone with GAD. If you wouldn’t tell someone with diabetes that experiencing hyperglycemia is a sin and insulin is just masking their sin then you shouldn’t say it about someone with social anxiety.

 

Church has mostly been a place where I felt that however I was that I was accepted unconditionally for who I am rather than being forced into a mold of who they’d really rather have me be, and that comment momentarily made me question my own theology until I realized that this person is wrong, and I don’t need to believe everything that other people say even if they are in a position of authority, because humans are fallible, and we all make mistakes…This statement was really wrong, because there is a subset of OCD called scrupulosity. People with scrupulosity have high anxiety, but they are also doing SO much for God…that is actually the problem. They are so afraid of not doing enough for God that their compulsions cause them to go completely overboard in terms of doing things for God…for example, I am pretty sure God doesn’t need you to be so focused on praying that you are multiple hours late for school because you were so focused praying that you physically could not get into the car to get to school, yet I have heard of this happening.

 

…however, thinking about anxiety and especially OCD a couple days after realizing the reality of my grade situation was definitely not good for me, and try as I might to ignore it, by the end of the service, OCD was undeniably paying me another visit. I could not wait for the service to end so I could escape to the lobby where there would be hand sanitizer…only there wasn’t hand sanitizer. A paper towel was a short term substitute, and I tried to wash the hand that felt contaminated in the sink, but the bathrooms weren’t made for one-handed use and my stuff definitely wasn’t allowed to be sat down anywhere, so that was only a moderately successful venture…so I left…as it turns out, there were a couple alcohol wipes in my lunchbox and by the time I wiped my hands and bible and pens with them I felt fine again, but when I got home I decided I deserved creation time…seemed like a lot more wise idea to eat an extra dinner and create than to try to study and potentially flip myself back into a problem…(food solves a lot of problems…)(especially world hunger, but also emotional problems).

 

Also, it is great that the OCD was gone in the morning because then my only guilt in staying in the shower until the water got cold was that I had just wasted over an hour that I could have been studying and not also feeling guilty that I was giving in or anything…if I had it to do again I would have taken Tylenol when I woke up at 3 in the morning before closing my eyes to keep resting and then I would have probably spilled less peanut butter and ramen in the process of making lunches/dinners and by taking something that I don’t have in a liquid or chewable form before that was all I could take I’d be able to double up on meds and would not be trying to use the shower for pain control and also not even really able to move very well…(yes…I still am trying to adjust to the stupid time change and not wake up at 3…chances are eventually I will just forget that waking up at 3 isn’t normal and be thrilled when the time changes again and I go back to waking up at 4…even though I’ll be busy whining about losing an hour…)

 

I am excited that it is almost break even though that means being faced both with finals and final grades, because I am craving stovetop stuffing, and you know it is something I really want when I am craving it at a time getting things in my mouth is hard…I mean yes, in theory I could buy some myself, but wandering aisles at the grocery store sounds extremely unfun…even just walking along the perimeter to get apples, peas, and milk (my standard grocery repertoire) isn’t exactly a task I would call in any way fun.

 

P.S. As I work towards packing for break and thinking forward towards the joy that will be taking my last final on a Friday in May, having the weekend to evacuate my entire apartment and then start my first day of my first rotation Monday morning in a completely different state, there are some things that I need to part with. If you want any of these things or know anyone who does let me know:

 

  1. FREE: Target puppy stuffed animal with a lab coat.

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I’m not really sure why I’ve held onto this puppy besides that it seems wasteful to throw him away. He doesn’t actually have good memories attached…he is actually kinda 20151129_110256a reminder of the event third year that they changed the dress code for an hour in advance…umm hello, no one is going to drive home and back on icy roads because you arbitrarily changed your mind. You’re lucky I planned on wearing my dress clothes all day that day and even had dress clothes to put on, so stop being picky about the fact that my shirt had no collar. Yeah, afterwards I got a very rude email informing me that a certain person was very displeased with me because I didn’t follow the dress code and because it was so rude that I had my backpack with me—umm, I’m sorry, but I don’t live on campus so I’m going to need somewhere to put my backpack, and it wasn’t like I placed it in anyone’s way…and if it is really true that it really bothered the people sitting at my table then they sure have a strange way of showing it. I was the first one there aside from your little clique, so when I came in I sat at a table on my own. The people who sat with me chose to do so and seemed pretty happy to sit there and had no negative comments about my backpack. There were plenty of empty tables they could have chosen, but they sat with me…let’s also remember that this email was sent to me the day after the email informing anyone who didn’t know yet that another student from my class had died…(yeah, the student who sent this was someone who for an unknown reason that I suspect may be related to the fact that I was two years below her and getting a better grade in a particular class than she was (probably because OMG I actually showed up to class once in a while…) decided that she didn’t like me…this wasn’t the first time she had whined at me about something ridiculous like that…I was devastated for a little while then I decided to be the bigger person)…not to mention all the other injustices that were occurring around that same time…

 

  1. FREE: Bubbles

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I was dumping out my bubbles because I don’t need them anymore and the last two times I moved with bubbles I ended up with ruined items and a large amount of cleanup from bottles that exploded after getting a few too many things piled on top of them…but part way through I realized that someone might actually have a use for some bubbles and then I wouldn’t have to be so wasteful…I believe only the smile face bubbles are still sealed…the others were opened as part of the assembly line of dumping out the bubbles…

 

  1. FREE: Magnetic doodle pad

20151129_110539

So when I got this I didn’t really talk much and I had been reading about how for some people writing can be a really good bridge towards verbal communication, so I intended to try it out…as it turned out, I’ll never know if that would have worked, because this board didn’t really serve my needs…it doesn’t fit more than one or two words at a time, and a conversation one or two words at a time isn’t going to get much further than yes or no questions that can be answered without words anyway, so it never got to serve its purpose. I probably should have bought a mini white board, but I already had a bigger one at home that I wrecked with scrubbing bubbles (I wanted to make it extra clean like brand new because I got sticky stuff on it…) so I was hoping a different but still small device would work better for me…

 

  1. Bike

bike

It is a Trek brand men’s city/trekking bike from Penn Cycle. (Yes, I know I am not a boy, but I also don’t like pink which is sometimes limiting when picking from the girl’s bikes, and also as I discovered as I was picking a step-up bike this summer, my posture fits better with a men’s than a women’s bike anyway). I am more of a tell it like it is than sell it kind of person. It does have a lot of miles on it, and has been kept outside part of the year since the beginning of third year. It got a brand new front tire summer 2014 and has not been ridden a whole lot since then, but it is getting to be time to get a new chain. I forget what they are called, but it has the kind of gear shift with the clicky levers and has three gears on the left hand gear shift and 7 on the right. If I don’t find anyone in person who wants this one I am putting it on Craigslist. (This is not a free item…). (It is currently at school).

 

  1. Mattress

 

I won’t be able to fit much in the car to move home if the mattress has to come home. It is a Sertapedic twin size mattress that according to the packaging is “perfect for bunk beds” although I can’t validate that claim since I use it on a full size loft bed. It has been used whenever I am at school since third year. I am definitely not looking to get rid of this until April since I’d like to continue to sleep on it until then and as fun as sleepovers with myself sounds, I know that probably isn’t a good long term idea. This is also something that is not free…(yes, I know pretty much only college students buy used mattresses…but I know a LOT of college students seeing as I am one)…no picture here seeing as how that would require taking the sheets off my bed and I don’t wanna…

 

  1. Dresser
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The little hole is on the side where the magazine rack currently sits…

I have to check with my parents to make sure they don’t have any plans for my dresser, but in my opinion it takes space in the car and I don’t like it all that much. It does have a little hole at the bottom on one side, and has some scratches. It holds a ton of stuff and has a really great flat space on the top for books or whatever else, so it is super functional for a college student, but it isn’t really my style and I don’t see it being something that I’m going to want in my home or apartment when I move into a big-girl dwelling. What is my style? I don’t really know, but not this…

 

  1. Textbooks galore.

 

I am lousy at the whole selling old textbooks thing because I don’t like to bother people and I don’t like to ask for money. I have given a few away for free and I have successfully sold a few others, but I still have Micro and micro lab manual, abnormal psychology, the old biostats book that they probably don’t use anymore, the IPP book, the physiology book, Questions of Character (HSM), both volumes of Remington (ceutics), two copies of the auxiliary patho book (oops, ordering fail). Ansels Pharmaceutics, and Aulton’s pharmaceutics. I feel like I probably have more testbooks, but those are the ones I can see from my bed anyway…now I know why some people get a $450 book for $5 from a fifth year…I would rather keep most of my books or give them to someone I know really needs them (not someone like one of my friends who buys books off people then sells them to other people for a LOT more than she paid) than sell my books for $5, but I am tired of looking at them taking over my apartment…

 

NEXT THOUGHT:

So…umm…you know that musicals are kinda your thing when your favorite part of the Christmas story is when Joseph says “this is just swell” and Mary says “you wanna see something swell? Take a look at my ankles!” Yeah…pretty sure that part didn’t actually happen seeing as the play on words likely wouldn’t translate well into their language…and the rhyming of “Caesar Augustus the keeper of law and justice” and “a census is planned so all must go back where their family began” probably wasn’t in the original text either…(I’m not really sure what musical this is from…it might be The Plane Truth…I love that one so much even though I remember throwing up the night before I performed it and therefore being really hungry because I was afraid to eat any of the snacks all day…I was wearing a blue shirt that day…I think it is probably an early sign of my OCD that the first thing I think of when I think of that musical is throwing up…but anyway…”Why are the planes grounded mom? Did they miss the hay? No, Emily, it means the planes can’t fly because the weather is too bad. It also means we won’t make it to Nana’s in time for Christmas. This is just awful, a total disaster. Can’t we just rent a car and drive to Nana’s. I know! We can take the train. No apparently everything is snowed in. I’m afraid we’re stuck here until the weather breaks. Just try to have patience. Patience? I’d rather have presents than patience. Yeah, me too…You’ll make a bear-y good Joseph”…the musical did set me up with unrealistic expectations for what an airport is like though…May I see your ID please? Did you yourself pack all of these? Has any person strange or scary given you something to carry? Thank you next please!—which is probably a good thing because me and my brothers started responding to has any person strange or scary given you something to carry with “yeah, my mom gave me a barbie.” Growing up with brothers was good…and led to my parents corralling a loud group of kids through the airport yelling at each other to not say Hi to your friend Jack when we went on our first vacation out of the state…I wish I could be little again…although I have to say it is kind of nice to be grown up enough that getting new sheets doesn’t cause a meltdown because I liked the old sheets and I’m never going to like another set of sheets ever again and I like my blanket even though it has finger grips (just going to say that the new blanket was used less than a month before I had accidentally ripped finger grips into that one too ’cause I liked my covers really tight back then)…yeah, I’ve never done change well, and it took extra time to get new sheets on my bed because I refused to cooperate…which is why my bed at home has a skirt as a shut up and stop hating everything bribe that worked, but really as soon as it was purchased only made me feel guilty…but even I can now realize that the color and design of the sheets has nothing to do with their function in covering me while I sleep…)

 

…just going to say if you are going to want to make a change that I might not like you probably don’t want to spring it on me and you probably want to kinda mention it but wait to actually change it until I think it is my idea, which might be a slower process, but will make life easier for both of us at least in the short term when you don’t have to listen to me scream…I’m learning to accept the changes I can’t control, but it’s a slow process…I still would like to reactivate my old phone…change is harder to accept when it is thrown in my face when I am overtired…my parents probably should have known better seeing as how the last time they tried to surprise me when I came home exhausted it ended with a trip to Caribou $20 in my wallet and a promise to never again move my stuff while I am gone after around five hours of nonstop screaming (this was in high school…)…I am not a pleasant person to be around when I am tired and upset…but like a nurse commented when I was a teeny tiny baby, I’ve got a good set of lungs…and God wouldn’t have given them to me if he didn’t want me to use them 🙂 .

 

This wasn’t what I intended to write about and wasn’t such a good idea, because I was already feeling bad about myself because I can’t sit still and concentrate long enough to get anything done and I talk too much in pretty much every situation and get yelled at to shut up and this is just one more thing to add to the list of things I can’t do right…and reminded me of night two after the phone when the tears were no longer solely because I was never going to make a phone call or send a text ever again…I need help…or a hug and reassurance that I can still be loved regardless of my grades and my ability to keep my mouth shut…and I suppose my ability as a child to maturely express intense emotion. ‘Cause I know that is true, but I don’t know it on the inside sometimes…life is really hard alone…

This is where the healing starts

(Healing Begins—Tenth Avenue North)

 

Just having to ask for a Band-Aid instead of being able to grab one myself used to be a painful reminder of my trials in life. My God is pretty incredible though. There has been a LOT if healing in my life. I needed a Band-Aid on Sunday, and it took the girl at the front desk like forever to find one. I was understanding and patient despite having an exam to study for and the fact that the box had moved since last spring, but was in pretty close to the same location. There was not any real triggering. That is huge. Would it have been much more convenient to be able to just grab what I needed and move on, certainly, but God doesn’t always give me the solution I want. He will always get me through whatever is going on, but I don’t get to choose whether that means changing the external situation, or changing my reaction to it…I’d much rather change what school is like and I’d much rather change my grades, but sometimes I have to accept that God’s solution to school and to grades is to help me through it emotionally, knowing that one day I will be in heaven and these things will fade away. Is everything totally awesome with school? No, but it is so much better than it used to be and I have no reason to believe it won’t eventually get even better than it is now…

Yes, school and academics/grades are two totally separate things in my opinion. It is pretty awesome that once I graduate I am free of both!

When things are going better my ability to process information is significantly improved. For example, a bracelet and some paper towel fixed the problem of a clothing issue and forgetting my hairbinders at home. It would have been easier to whine that there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to go get myself some rubber bands and tape, but instead I figured out how to make things work with what I had…note to self, try on clothing in the light before packing it up to prevent this in the future though…I mean, I got halfway there—I changed what I was planning on wearing after trying it on and realizing it wasn’t going to work very well, but I didn’t try on the second option…oops…also, it occurred to me that the gratitude papers on the wall are only stuck on there with painters tape…so the one that was bugging me could very easily be moved…problem solved…now the wall looks much more symmetric and the page that was bothering me is filling in an opening in another wall of papers that I don’t have to constantly stare at while I am studying…much better…if only all my problems were so easily solved…

 

I have a final on next Tuesday that I am definitely not ready for and a bajillion other things I need to get done between then and now so I leave you with two pictures…

 

This is all that was left of my apple after lunch…I might have been a little hungry…(don’t worry, this apple didn’t have a stem)…

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This is why I have to pay attention to what my fingers are playing with…surprisingly, however, the headphones still work…even on the side on which these wires are now exposed…yeah, I’m probably flirting with danger…

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