Category Archives: UnGame

But I am Fine

(Cool – Scott Krippayne)

 

I am always fine because protecting people is important to me. I am always fine because being vulnerable and trusting other people is extremely difficult after you’ve been through emotional abuse complete with gaslighting and pitting my friends against me. I am always fine because after living under a gag order for three years it is hard to remember the door of the cage is open and I can walk free. It is so weird that the little cage of isolation almost feels more safe and homey than freedom.

 

Truth is important to me, but it is true that I am fine. People’s hearts and lungs stop every day, but my heart is still pumping oxygenated blood…without ECMO or other high level medical support. Would I much rather be dead sometimes, oh yeah, but even then, I am fine…I’m not okay…but I am fine.

 

I am often not okay. I feel so alone sometimes, but I am fine. I am exhausted, but I am fine. The pain of grief is still an open painful weeping wound, but I am fine.

 

Sometimes I am more convincingly fine than others…some days I can’t stop crying. Other days I am so sure that maybe someday I’ll be okay…it is hard. So hard. Life is still so incredibly difficult.

 

I just ate a piece of chocolate and the wrapper said “revive the art of conversation.” It made me mad. I don’t have any friends close to where I live and I don’t know how to find friends and I crave connection but there isn’t anyone with whom to connect. And even with the people I do have outside of this area, grief took away my ability to connect and communicate. I’m not as silent as I once was, but I do know that stressors can take away my voice again, and it is frustrating. I fought so hard to be able to speak and then I was abused and made to feel that I shouldn’t use my voice. I fought so hard to be able to speak, but sometimes it feels like it was all in vain when I lose it again.

 

TBH, there is a positive in the grief…not really sleeping for so long has made it feel almost normal to be so sleep-deprived. That makes nights spent working until 11pm not feel quite so hard.

 

There are always hard things in life…Last Thursday (August 10), was 9 years from the day I went to “the new church at home.” One week from that day I met my best friend…that is awesome…but it also seems like circumstances stemming from the change of churches is the whole reason I started in counseling and ultimately ended up in an abusive relationship. I would be a totally different person if that hadn’t happened and maybe I would have a residency. Maybe someone would actually want me. But I can’t change the past. What happened is over and I hated that I couldn’t change it then, and thinking about it now certainly won’t change it either…but sometimes the days and years run together and it feels like all that was yesterday. I think I am connecting from the pain of this situation into the pain of that situation. On the positive side, it is not a re-experiencing flashback kind of experience, but more of a soulful longing for something different. A deep ache of reminder of the pain. Changing churches changed my life…but I survived. Yeah, this situation is different, but maybe if I survived that then I can survive this too.

 

Speaking of church, I have some bad news for y’all…it appears we have missed the rapture…

I found the rapture!!

lol…so I was screwing around on google maps streetview and look right there…the rapture started in 2012 in Farmington. It appears we have been left behind…how unfortunate!…okay fine, or google maps just randomly has a blurry section of the street…

 

Wanna know something else unfortunate? This…

20170810_114729.jpg

Yeah, my last 54 ounce bag of skittles got empty… I s’pose that happens when in the past few months skittles have been one of the few things that sounds good and have thus been used for both emotional support and caloric support. (Don’t feel too sorry for me yet…I still have a few smaller bags left…).

 

One last thing: I found a crawly bug on the floor in the bathroom when I was getting dressed this morning. I didn’t scream. Really, I am so mentally exhausted that it was just one more task for the day. I got rid of the bug in the toilet without even being too worked up about it. I guess there’s another positive.

UnGame Bonus day 10

Level 1: Sandy’s birthday is coming up and she wants to have a big party. Tell about a party you remember.

Well, parties are kind of hard for me, so I don’t have a lot of them, but I do have a lot of “private parties.” I like to celebrate things with myself. One of my most exciting parties was my junior year of high school when I celebrated my first year free of self-injury. I had skittles and juice bags and all sorts of other treats, and I also changed the way I spelled my name as a reminder of how God had changed my life.

Level 2: When Kathy had to give her speech she felt nervous. When do you feel nervous?

I feel nervous in most communication or social situations, because I feel like I do not know how to act or what to say, and I do not like the feeling of people looking at me. It is rather limiting, because I very rarely can ask for or obtain what I want. Yeah, I know frequently all it would take to get it is a few steps and reaching out my arm, but that would make me feel like I was being watched…other times all it would take is acknowledging out loud that I’d like some juice or a bagel or whatever it is that I’d like rather than claiming I do not need anything…

UnGame Bonus day 9 and a huge success!

So let’s start with something really amazingly awesome that I am pretty proud of! So this girl who shampoos, conditioners, and rinses her hair with only her left hand because her right hand gets contaminated from touching the bottles…she shared a cup with a toddler yesterday…as in taking turns drinking from the cup…Yeah, this girl who will NOT use a drinking fountain at work because of the germs on it SHARED a cup with a toddler…I can’t say that I will do this on a regular basis, or that it will necessarily even be something that feels possible again, but it feels so good to be able to do that! Socially I still feel pretty held back, and obviously germs are still an issue to some extent, but I am so excited to have been able to do this…and it wasn’t even like I was really focusing on doing exposure–I was thirsty and knew I couldn’t get away with getting a drink without giving one to the kiddo with me, but also wasn’t sure of my ability to keep two cups un-spilled and keep my kiddo going the same direction as me…

Level 1: [QC skip] Robbie enjoys cooking and sewing on the weekend. What do you enjoy doing on weekends?

I like the same things on weekends that I like any other day…biking, hanging out with adorable children, eating, reading blogs, working…I don’t see why my interests would change based on the day of the week…just sayin’

Level 2: Clark is writing a song about love and needs help. Share some things about love that he could put in his song.

Umm, well the things I can think about love have already been put into songs…Human love is fallible, but True Love is unconditional and never ending…also, I love Kati Morton. (not in the icky way, just in the she’s awesome way). She maintains a website www.katimorton.com and is on pretty much every form of social media, and is currently trying to gain nominations for the streamys awards on youtube in the Science and Education channel category. It would be awesome if you could nominate her!

UnGame bonus day 8

Level 1: [QC skip] The family decided where to go on their vacation. Describe the vacation you would like to have.

Well, a real vacation is kind of a foreign concept right now, but I suppose on a vacation I would like to stay in my sleeping bag in a small space in a hotel room that has chocolate chip muffins and donuts and grape juice and lemonade for breakfast and those individually packaged boxes of the normal cheerios. Also, I want a normal sized pool (25yds/25m/50m) that is heavily chlorinated. Maybe I could find a way to get my bike on vacation with me, too…although if I did that it would kind of discourage actually doing anything so I might as well save my money and just do a staycation.

Level 2: Jerry felt tricked by Tammy and wanted to get revenge. Did you ever want to get revenge? Talk about it.

I have wanted to get revenge many times. The vast majority of those times I realize that someone needs to be the bigger person and not retaliate, and if the other person started it, then it will have to end with me, but a couple times I have lost my cool and retaliated. I sometimes feel frustrated though that other people can get away with practically anything because I won’t complain about it and even if I did, I’d probably just get labelled a tattletale and nothing would happen, because who would want to hurt me…umm well, if my life experience has proved anything then a lot of people want to hurt me.

UnGame Bonus day 7

Level 1: Sometimes Amy would rather sit and daydream than be with her friends. What do you like to daydream about?

Is it cheating to say I don’t know? I frequently think about the emails and texts I am working on inside my head or what I will say to people, but that isn’t daydreaming, it is just being distracted inside my head…sometimes in my imagination people randomly come up to me on the sidewalk as I go past and offer me red kool-aid but I am not sure if that is truly daydreaming either or just wishful thinking…I like kool-aid.

Level 2: On rainy days Amy feels depressed. When do you feel depressed?

I don’t know. I think depressed is kind of a strong word…when do I feel sad? Umm, also a hard question…I know I’m kind of cheating, but this is my blog and plus this is just a bonus day anyway, so I get to play by my own rules…some things that have frustrated me recently though: I am responsible for the email account for cru…and the password is not working…and I thought maybe I remembered it wrong so I searched through my old texts which because they are from a stupid smart phone they are not in order by date and time making it really hard to find what I needed, but I eventually found the password and it was exactly what I remembered it being…so yeah…and so I thought perhaps someone had entered cru into the password recovery system…but then I realized that I had no idea how to get to that from a non-STLCOP computer…and also that it was also very possible that since the questions assume that you are a person rather than an organization that for one thing it wasn’t super likely cru was in there and for the other thing someone would have likely had to have gotten really creative with the answers, so knowing none of the answers might make it interesting to try to get in…another frustrating thing: today is Monday and not only do garbage trucks tend to freak me out when I am outside, but today I am waiting for a UPS truck to come so hearing trucks is like teasing me over and over again…

UnGame Bonus Day 6

Hey, I didn’t want the commitment of continuing the series, but that doesn’t mean I can’t continue it a little longer.

Level 1: [QC skip] Billy got on the scales and notice he had gained weight. How do you feel about your weight?

First: how many scales did Billy have to get on to figure out how much he weighed? What the what? About how I feel about my weight: I honestly do not really care. To me, appearance is not that important. If I could totally choose I would redistribute my weight a bit, but I don’t think it is really such a big deal what size I am…and I have very little sense of fat/skinny anyway…

Level 2: [QC skip] Janet cries when she watches a sad movie on TV. When do you cry?

I cry when I am really overwhelmed and upset, but usually only if I am alone, because I really do not want the attention that crying draws. I try really hard not to cry in front of people, but sometimes I can’t help it, and like over spring break I chose to let my guard down and that was an awful choice. Crying in front of my (former) counselor caused her to tell me to undo the exposure I’d just done which made me even more upset…and after that I learned not to let her see me cry if possible even if she told me it was okay to…because it really might not be okay.

UnGame day 5

I made it! As I wrote this intro in my head last night it talked about how tired I am because Thursday is already a late night and then last night since I haven’t had my computer in a while I started singing my favorite songs to myself at bedtime and ended up on “Shake Your Body Down” which is not only a high energy song, but the song that I used to tell my body to wake up for lunch/dinner/going to work when I was working the night shift a few weeks ago so it is certainly not conducive to sleeping…and yes when I was working nights I did keep my feeding schedule constant except for the added snacks in the middle of the night and then worked sleep around that)…

Anyway…

Level 1: Billy says “anything can be fun if you want it to be.” Do you agree or disagree? Why?

I’m kind of in the middle on this. I do think that enjoyment can be affected by state of mind, and even something very un-fun can be made enjoyable with the right attitude about it, but I also think that there are things that it may be extremely difficult and bordering on the impossible to be made fun, and that some people have a higher capacity for fun than others.

Level 2: Sometimes Chad teases Kenny. How do you feel when someone teases you?

Well, my answer here might not be very typical, but I have been teased so intensely for so long that most of the time it really doesn’t bother me. I’d really rather people target me than anyone else, because I know I can usually take it. I used to want to set people straight (which probably did not help the situation much), but I have since learned that the response that usually makes me feel okay about it and doesn’t prompt further teasing is depending on the situation to either shrug it off or to completely ignore it as if I didn’t even notice…well, and a couple times on facebook last semester I stood up for myself, and while it may have been more appropriate to ignore it at that time, standing up for myself worked, and I actually got apologies, so I am not going to say that standing up for myself is necessarily the wrong answer…although in 6th grade when I was getting kicked under the table and couldn’t reach to kick the other girls back, it was definitely wrong to get up to kick one of them back…as it turns out though since I was already crying so hard and the teachers probably knew I hadn’t started it, I was pulled out of class until I could stop crying and then allowed to go back to class as if nothing had happened…much better than the time I was hit in the head with a rolling pin in FACS and didn’t retaliate but told the teacher and her response was not to talk to the girl who did it, but to lower my participation grade for the day because that was not good teamwork…also, crying in general is a lousy response…in 9th grade when someone called me the b-word, I got really upset and started crying and oh my, I cannot get the satisfied look on her face out of my mind to this day…and because my friend’s sister saw me crying, she told their mom who told my mom and so my parents found out…so yeah, whenever possible, DO NOT CRY…not that crying is really ever a preferable option…

UnGame day 4

Level 1: [skipping first card b/c it is create your own Q/C and I don’t feel like creating my own content right now] Brian wishes he had a credit card so he could charge things at the store. Say something about credit cards.

For me it is a lot easier to pay with plastic than to pay with real money. It is a social thing for me. It makes it easier for me to quickly hand a cashier enough money (if I pay with cash I end up with piles of coins because I can’t use them once I have them and they only disappear when I go to the bank)…it also makes it easier after the transaction so I only have my card and the receipt…with money it is hard because I have the change to deal with…and so I end up dumping the change and receipt in the bag with my open wallet…messy and really just asking for something to be lost…

Level 2: [same problem with 1st card] Bret broke his mother’s vase and blamed his little brother. Have you ever been blamed for something you did not do? Talk about it.

Well I have been blamed for doing a lot of things that either never happened or did happen but the suggested alternative option was impossible (I’m sorry, but I cannot walk through a locked door and no amount of getting mad at me for not doing so is going to change that). So one thing I do not mind writing about being blamed for is that 2nd year my counselor accused me of listening to another counselor’s session. I did not, and there are a variety of reasons why it is not even possible. Let’s see, issue number one: She leaves campus at 11–I am in class from 8-10:50 and go directly from there to the cafeteria to get food then go to my room to eat and get ready for my own counseling. Next issue: Motive–why in the world would I have any interest in listening to someone’s session? That doesn’t even make sense. I barely wanted to be present for my own session so why would I want to be there for someone else’s? Next issue: it would be rather physically impossible to listen even if I had wanted to. The year before I had studied a lot at the table that was directly outside the counseling office. Even there I wasn’t hearing sessions. I did hear Anne scream when she and Tiffany Gayle were hanging out in there, but I’m not sure if the door was closed that day. There was also a day (also with TGNP) that there was a parade of people showing up, getting candy, and leaving. After the first few people I started listening because I wanted candy too. The people who walked all the way in the room before asking I could not hear–I could only hear the ones who started asking while still in the hallway…but I still didn’t get any candy because even once I heard what they were saying and mimicked it to myself a few times I didn’t have the courage to ask for it for myself…plus Tiffany acted as if I were invisible for some reason, so I’m not sure she’d have had the same response to me as to everyone else…

UnGame day 3

Level 1: Some students do not respect the other class members’ ideas. How do you feel when your ideas are not respected?

I sometimes feel like I don’t really matter and maybe should just shut up…I mean, when you are only in a group work situation because you weren’t allowed to be a group of one and are only in a group because those people had space for another person in their group (and this is how groups tend to work) you don’t expect to have a very active role in the decision making process despite the fact that you will most likely be the one doing the majority of the work. I pretty much expect no one to care what my opinion is, so my ideas not being respected is just how the world works.

Level 2: Carla was disappointed when she was not invited to the party. Tell about one of your disappointments.

My second year of college I applied to be an RA for my third year…I didn’t even make it as far as the group interview, and I was really upset about that…it didn’t really help that during first year I had written out my introduction/welcome note to my future residents, and was so sure that was what I wanted to do…I know, I am an A to Z thinker and kind of skipped over the whole waiting until I was hired to start planning my floor programs and interaction with my residents. I went to find out why I didn’t get the position, and from what it sounded like, I was discounted and immediately set aside before my application was ever read because the person in charge of it thought I would be too quiet to do it…never mind the fact that I had been planning and carrying out programs with my friend who was an RA all year including helping with the paperwork afterwards, I’d been doing rounds all year, a LOT of people thought I already was an RA and acted as such (and I was happy to help them with whatever they needed as long as it wasn’t that they’d locked themselves out of their room in which case the best I could do was find an actual RA to let them in), I maintained a bulletin board, and in a pinch when everyone had made plans to go somewhere one night, a group of RAs discussing how they would work it out suggested that I take the role of RA on duty  for the night (as it turned out, a couple people’s plans changed at the last minute and they were able to get the night covered with actual RAs). All that to say, I was already functioning as an RA outside of regularly attending staff meetings, so clearly if I felt ready to handle the social requirements of being an RA I could have handled it…and the person admitted that they had looked at my application before talking to me and if it weren’t that they hadn’t considered me because of my quietness that I would have been a strong candidate…so yeah, that was really disappointing.

UnGame day 2

Level 1: Noah doesn’t know which holiday is his favorite. What is your favorite holiday? Why do you like it?

I think my favorite holiday is probably self-injury awareness day. While it is a cause that I believe in, a bigger reason that I like that holiday is that there are no expectations as to what I have to do and think about that holiday. If I want to do something to celebrate I totally can–and it’s easy just spread the word and wear orange. If I don’t want to do something that is totally fine as well and there is no pressure or societal expectation to do anything…Yeah, I’m lame, but I’d rather avoid all the expectations of the traditional holidays.

Level 2: Sally was so sick, she had to stay in bed for a week. Tell about a time when you were sick.

I think it was in 6th grade, but it was definitely in middle school. I didn’t feel that good, but I went to school that Saturday because it was the last declam meet. I didn’t tell anyone I didn’t feel good, but I threw up in the bathroom before we got on the bus. I felt lousy all day but I made it through the meet. Partway through forcing myself to eat dinner though I ran to the bathroom and didn’t make it all the way to the toilet with my vomit…and now you are probably officially very grossed out…sorry about that…