(You are More – Tenth Avenue North)
To put words to how exhausted I am, I fell asleep in my car today. Before you freak out, you should know that I was still parked in the parking lot of the grocery store near church. I made it through two services of being a smiley welcoming face and I was exhausted. I didn’t necessarily mean to fall asleep…but sleep was definitely something my body really needs at this point.
My stats keep spiking…I want to believe it means I am writing awesome stuff. I’m not sure if the nagging voice at the back of my head is the negativity of grief speaking or if it is the voice of truth that the extra views are not really new people reached but rather the people I would rather keep out coming back. After a week without my journal ’cause it was forgotten at church, I have lots of words to write though, so I don’t really care right now who’s out there.
Sometimes I feel like I am a bad influence on other people…so I was a peer mentor last year. Although I had previously considered being a mentor because it does align well with my interests, I held off because of the things happening on campus that would make it difficult for me to fulfill the requirements without going home every day feeling like a liar. Last year I said yes because I was asked to mentor a specific person who I already knew really needed help and didn’t know if this student had already been told that I might be asked to be the mentor.
A couple weeks ago my mentee wanted career advice…yep…from me, the really negative girl without a job right now. I may have accidentally given a larger dose of reality than I intended. Because, yeah, it is true that a job is a big commitment, but I may have been a little too forward in the way I said it.
Also, so there is measles confirmed at a hospital…and there is a lot of communication about infection prevention when these kinds of things happen…and sometimes, especially when I am already stressed out and sleep deprived, those kind of things bother me even though I know I am not directly affected. First I am worried about it. Second I am angry at the people who carelessly didn’t bother to get vaccinated. Third I am sad for the people who are now in danger through no fault of their own.
Going to Good Friday service was completely unplanned. I really only intended to go to church and sit there until I finished lunch. Except I figured I was there so I should go to the service…so I did. It was really hard to be there because for one thing, it is somewhere that I have to make sure no one sees how much pain I am in, and for the other thing, it was a huge reminder of what doesn’t feel fair. Christ suffered, but then he got to die. I had to wake up alive every day for the past four weeks. My friend checked in with me to see if I was doing okay…umm…yeah…I’m always okay, especially when I’m not. When I left I was definitely not yet ready to leave. First I needed to sit down and cry it out. Then I needed to finish lunch. I walked around the block and by the time I made it around at almost 9pm I finally finished lunch and could go home. There was a success. When I got home I managed to get something in my mouth for dinner. So I guess it was still a very successful day.
Everything is hard. Yesterday when I went to bed my eyes were scary bright red from wiping away so many tears. Eating and drinking is hard. I’m so exhausted. So I needed to get my laundry done. My sheets needed to be washed because I was going to wash them two weeks ago but the dryer was broken and I didn’t have time to let them air dry Saturday night and it wasn’t my turn to use the washer on Sunday. Then last week I was going to wash them but right around the time it was my turn to use the washer and dryer my friend asked if I wanted to go to this awesome conference with her and umm like definitely I am not going to say no to that. So my sheets didn’t get washed again. So that left it to this weekend. And since next weekend my friends want me to be flexible in times so that we can hang out easier I really needed to wash all my clothes too so that I didn’t end up having to choose between my friends and clean clothes. I got it all done except putting it away. The lint was kinda exciting…bright sparkly red from my new dress :). Sometimes getting through life means putting on the back up pajamas and throwing the entire basket of clothes in the washer without sorting. I borrowed a scale this morning and found that I have lost the amount I learned in school should be lost over the course of at minimum six months all in the course of the past 4 weeks, but I am remaining hopeful that if I can keep fighting I can stabilize and maybe gain some of it back. I would be okay with keeping some of it off, but not all of it. My pants barely buttoned back in December and now they barely stay up. But it is going to be okay.
I am proud of myself and thankful. Today I finished both breakfast and lunch by 12. They may not have been perfect meals, but they were close enough. And I managed to eat something at church for dinner. Sure, a bread, a couple juices, a slice of salami, and a donut may not be the most ideal dinner, but if I was willing to get it in my mouth it was going to need to be good enough. I hadn’t had anything to drink since the little bit of juice I had with breakfast and I was going to fall over if I didn’t get something liquid in my mouth. Once you factor in juice calories I probably didn’t do too bad for dinner. To be fair, the options for dinner were such that I would have had to have been brave to have a really balanced meal even if I weren’t already struggling to just eat something. Almost everything had some aspect of fear food: sauces, cream cheese, unidentified food substances. Should I have tried harder…umm…yeah…probably…but sometimes you just need to admit that this is YOUR best right now. I am choosing to be proud. I am also proud because although I am totally beat, I made it the entire two services without crying or showing (much) how hard of a time I was having. On the way back to my car the tears started, but I was even able to respond to questions about post-graduation plans and pretend that it was hilarious and totally okay to not have a job or any prospects. But now I am exhausted and ready to just crash. I can’t keep living this way. I wish it was considered socially acceptable to not be a smiley face as a greeter. I want hugs and help. I’m so tired. I can’t pretend forever. Does this ever get easier?