There’s a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes

(You are More – Tenth Avenue North)

 

To put words to how exhausted I am, I fell asleep in my car today. Before you freak out, you should know that I was still parked in the parking lot of the grocery store near church. I made it through two services of being a smiley welcoming face and I was exhausted. I didn’t necessarily mean to fall asleep…but sleep was definitely something my body really needs at this point.

 

My stats keep spiking…I want to believe it means I am writing awesome stuff. I’m not sure if the nagging voice at the back of my head is the negativity of grief speaking or if it is the voice of truth that the extra views are not really new people reached but rather the people I would rather keep out coming back. After a week without my journal ’cause it was forgotten at church, I have lots of words to write though, so I don’t really care right now who’s out there.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am a bad influence on other people…so I was a peer mentor last year. Although I had previously considered being a mentor because it does align well with my interests, I held off because of the things happening on campus that would make it difficult for me to fulfill the requirements without going home every day feeling like a liar. Last year I said yes because I was asked to mentor a specific person who I already knew really needed help and didn’t know if this student had already been told that I might be asked to be the mentor.

 

A couple weeks ago my mentee wanted career advice…yep…from me, the really negative girl without a job right now. I may have accidentally given a larger dose of reality than I intended. Because, yeah, it is true that a job is a big commitment, but I may have been a little too forward in the way I said it.

 

Also, so there is measles confirmed at a hospital…and there is a lot of communication about infection prevention when these kinds of things happen…and sometimes, especially when I am already stressed out and sleep deprived, those kind of things bother me even though I know I am not directly affected. First I am worried about it. Second I am angry at the people who carelessly didn’t bother to get vaccinated. Third I am sad for the people who are now in danger through no fault of their own.

 

Going to Good Friday service was completely unplanned. I really only intended to go to church and sit there until I finished lunch. Except I figured I was there so I should go to the service…so I did. It was really hard to be there because for one thing, it is somewhere that I have to make sure no one sees how much pain I am in, and for the other thing, it was a huge reminder of what doesn’t feel fair. Christ suffered, but then he got to die. I had to wake up alive every day for the past four weeks. My friend checked in with me to see if I was doing okay…umm…yeah…I’m always okay, especially when I’m not. When I left I was definitely not yet ready to leave. First I needed to sit down and cry it out. Then I needed to finish lunch. I walked around the block and by the time I made it around at almost 9pm I finally finished lunch and could go home. There was a success. When I got home I managed to get something in my mouth for dinner. So I guess it was still a very successful day.

 

Everything is hard. Yesterday when I went to bed my eyes were scary bright red from wiping away so many tears. Eating and drinking is hard. I’m so exhausted. So I needed to get my laundry done. My sheets needed to be washed because I was going to wash them two weeks ago but the dryer was broken and I didn’t have time to let them air dry Saturday night and it wasn’t my turn to use the washer on Sunday. Then last week I was going to wash them but right around the time it was my turn to use the washer and dryer my friend asked if I wanted to go to this awesome conference with her and umm like definitely I am not going to say no to that. So my sheets didn’t get washed again. So that left it to this weekend. And since next weekend my friends want me to be flexible in times so that we can hang out easier I really needed to wash all my clothes too so that I didn’t end up having to choose between my friends and clean clothes. I got it all done except putting it away. The lint was kinda exciting…bright sparkly red from my new dress :). Sometimes getting through life means putting on the back up pajamas and throwing the entire basket of clothes in the washer without sorting. I borrowed a scale this morning and found that I have lost the amount I learned in school should be lost over the course of at minimum six months all in the course of the past 4 weeks, but I am remaining hopeful that if I can keep fighting I can stabilize and maybe gain some of it back. I would be okay with keeping some of it off, but not all of it. My pants barely buttoned back in December and now they barely stay up. But it is going to be okay.

 

I am proud of myself and thankful. Today I finished both breakfast and lunch by 12. They may not have been perfect meals, but they were close enough. And I managed to eat something at church for dinner. Sure, a bread, a couple juices, a slice of salami, and a donut may not be the most ideal dinner, but if I was willing to get it in my mouth it was going to need to be good enough. I hadn’t had anything to drink since the little bit of juice I had with breakfast and I was going to fall over if I didn’t get something liquid in my mouth. Once you factor in juice calories I probably didn’t do too bad for dinner. To be fair, the options for dinner were such that I would have had to have been brave to have a really balanced meal even if I weren’t already struggling to just eat something. Almost everything had some aspect of fear food: sauces, cream cheese, unidentified food substances. Should I have tried harder…umm…yeah…probably…but sometimes you just need to admit that this is YOUR best right now. I am choosing to be proud. I am also proud because although I am totally beat, I made it the entire two services without crying or showing (much) how hard of a time I was having. On the way back to my car the tears started, but I was even able to respond to questions about post-graduation plans and pretend that it was hilarious and totally okay to not have a job or any prospects. But now I am exhausted and ready to just crash. I can’t keep living this way. I wish it was considered socially acceptable to not be a smiley face as a greeter. I want hugs and help. I’m so tired. I can’t pretend forever. Does this ever get easier?

Little did they know he’d turn their cry day to good Friday

(Good Day on a Bad Day – Fish Tales Musical)

So I was trying to find a video on youtube with clear enough audio to get the correct words to good day on a bad day…I failed at that, but did find one that made me smile…there was one with a kid in the back who likely had “special needs” and started jumping up and down when they sang that Christ rose again. It was super adorable. Also, I hate the term “special needs.” I mean, doesn’t everyone have special needs because everyone is uniquely gifted and everyone has their own weaknesses? How come my needs aren’t special?

So last night I realized that my nutrition has been missing one food group for a while…the calcium group…At home I only drink milk at dinner and I wasn’t home for dinner a lot of nights…and here I haven’t been to the grocery store because I hate the ambiance at grocery stores and I hate grocery shopping…and I don’t drink the same kind of milk as the people I live with so I can’t just share…and someone offered to buy me milk but I didn’t feel like drinking it right then anyway so I said no…

And to add to the problem, yesterday I got permission to leave school like 3.5 hours early…okay cool, right? Except, that meant I left around 3pm so I had no reason to try to get dinner in my mouth yet. The plan was that I would go to church, hang out, do homework, go to a meeting, then go back to school and eat and go to FCA. The plan was a decent idea…except I felt like I was going to fall off the swing and someone was already sitting at my other favorite spot so I was totally enthusiastic when asked about walking to the park and I didn’t do homework…or right the letter of intent that I should have also been writing. Then I wasn’t ready to leave church until like 15 minutes after FCA was supposed to start and I was exhausted and decided that I should probably just go back to the house. I am 90% sure there is a microwave at church I could have used…actually, I know where two of them are, but both of those are in places that I didn’t feel comfortable inviting myself. Side note…how many days can a raw egg stay in my lunch box before it goes bad? Assume that the lunchbox is not left in my hot car and that the egg goes back in the refrigerator from like on average 8:45pm to 5:05am…’cause there may be an egg in my lunchbox going on 3 days now…So yeah, I had a handful of rice chex for dinner. I had an egg and a couple rice chex and a starburst and a chips ahoy cookie for lunch. I had apple juice and 5 cheerios for breakfast…and so I got home and had most of my calories for the day in the form of chocolate and buttercream frosting…and even I am smart enough to know that it is not sustainable to get most of your nutrition from multivitamins and most of your calories from dessert…even if that is sorta similar to what I’d love to do all the time. Side note again that the biggest reason I take a multivitamin is because my counselor second year thought it would help my germ issues…yep, I as a pharmacy student took my medication advice from a counselor…but sometimes things stick and even though it took me a couple years to be ready to try taking a multivitamin (hello, germ issues), now I’ve done it pretty consistently for a while. I’m almost out and not sure that I’m going to buy more unless I can’t get my eating back on track, because thinking realistically, I don’t think I really need it. Mostly I eat kid foods that are already fortified with a bunch of stuff.

So anyway, all that to say that this is what success looks like:

Yep, that’s an empty yogurt pouch. I hate yogurt except the kind with the m&m’s in it and the froxen kind which is definitely NOT the same as regular yogurt frozen. Once I mixed coffee with vanilla yogurt and put it in the freezer thinking I’d have coffee frozen yogurt…umm, no. That might have been more gross than the time I forgot there was sprite in my cup and poured vanilla milk on top. So anyway, I gave myself the option of eating the pouch, stopping at the grocery store, or texting people that I was too irresponsible to take care of myself…and I picked the pouch. Plus, the pouch was going to expire soon so I was either going to need to eat it, find a way to use it in a recipe, or throw it away. And I am finding that I am a lot less picky when my body is hungry even if I am not hungry. Not even just the yogurt. Monday for dinner was chicken (okay, I can do that) with some kind of sauce on it (oh no…how do I be polite?!). At first I probably had less than the 6-year-old, but when offered more, I accepted. It wasn’t my favorite, but it wasn’t really so bad…

Sometimes my brain doesn’t process and respond to information the way I would hope it would. I’m kinda argumentative sometimes. On Wednesday I was asked about whom I was talking…and was like NO, it wasn’t (name) the (occupation), it’s (name) (other name)’s friend…umm, yeah…those are the exact same person…but to me it was totally different. When I talk to her in her occupation role, I act more professionally – smiley faces and doodled flowers are okay but that’s the limit to the cutesy-ness. When I talk to her in a friend role I can just be whatever me is in there whether that is the excessively introverted version or the bouncing off the walls version – I can just be me, whatever that means.

I am always me, because there ain’t anyone else I can be. I am the me who limbo’ed under the guard rails at the metro station because I didn’t hear a train coming and didn’t feel like waiting (success, I at least listened instead of just going and assuming there wasn’t one). Not everyone thinks like me. In class a couple days ago I was trying to explain why a water-based product will be drying…and I start talking about running water over your hands…and everyone looks at me like I’m crazy…yep, OCD makes you learn things that are very relevant to derm management…I am someone who knows what it is like to essentially have no skin oils on my hands for so long that feeling it on my skin was a trigger as the skin healed enough and washing frequency decreased enough for skin oil to come back…so yes, wet and dry are things with which I certainly have plenty of familiarity.

Yesterday I got two packages. One was my grad announcements…with the wrong name on them. Umm, yeah, not even close.

The other was from my parents…got a pair of headphones and a charger that I needed from my room at home. The headphones aren’t the pair I would have picked, but they probably were the most obvious because they are biggest since I use this pair for biking, but they work and now I can have music without bugging other people. Well, actually I guess I don’t need the charge so much anymore, because yesterday the library was giving out chargers for free…but now I have the same number of chargers as things to charge whereas before I had one charger and four things to charge.

There was another thing I was going to write about but Imma save it for later ’cause this is already getting too long and my homework isn’t getting done.

F is for Flying and Friendship and Free; G is for Good as good friends ought to be

(Harold – Thomas and Friends)

Just a note to say that you know that your life is now following a new path when you don’t even remember your 8-year freedom-iversary until a couple days later…so, no, I didn’t celebrate…although celebration is hard right now because most of the time I am not even interested in candy…and feeding my face as always been how I celebrated…

I suppose technically depending on how broadly you define SI I might not technically be free…but my definition is one of the narrower ones that doesn’t include eating issues into the category of SI. It is a definition that works for me.

Also, I have awesome friends. I don’t know how I got to have such incredible, patient, caring friends, but they are a huge blessing.

Also, I need to figure out the words to the song “good day on a bad day.” Today is good Friday eve and it’s a good Friday song so I was singing it to myself…and I am pretty much 100% sure that the lyrics do not go “the devil meant that day to be the worst day, a cursed day, to save our souls and set the captives free.” I’m not sure what the lyrics should be, but I know it ain’t that.

Like a Blaze I Can’t Contain

(Krystal Meyers – Fire)

 

So, umm, yeah…this might be the dumbest thing I ever did in my whole life (wild exaggeration). So I accidentally set a metaphorical fire last week. It was an accident. Stupid words came out of my mouth that I didn’t intend to say…

 

And then it blew up in my face today…and because I was scared I pretty much just shot the messenger. Now instead of one fire I have two; the original oops and then the breaking of the messenger’s relationship.

 

So yeah…I left school ready to do homework and got home and very quickly was pulled into firefighting mode for the next three hours…and no homework got done.

 

On the positive side, although I did stay up late sending texts, the result was that both fires were put out and the train is back on the tracks…lol…and I think everyone has learned a lesson…don’t break news to Wiggle Worm via text in the afternoon if there is a possibility of the meaning being misinterpreted into a terrifying scenario that she feels like needs to immediately fixed…and for me, get all the information BEFORE you freak out and assume the worst…

 

So to keep from setting anymore metaphorical fires I’m just gonna share random lyrics that I like, because I am pretty sure there is no way that can get me in trouble or anything…

 

To go on living when all you’ve lived for is gone…this is the Courage to make a light

(Superchick – 5 minutes at a time)

This song is really encouraging and has gotten a lot of listens in my life…unfortunately.

 

We learn how to identify and correctly label other people’s sick neurotic pathetic behavior…what does this prove? The rats are totally insane!

(Psychology 101 – Ten Minute University)

I adore ten-minute university, and this is probably my favorite lecture. All the lectures are good, but this one makes me smile the most. Like seriously, if you haven’t heard it you need to. It is hilarious with zero knowledge of psychology, but once you know some psychology the humor level goes up like a million fold.

 

You’ll stand through the pain. You won’t drown.

(Stand in the Rain – Superchic[k])

Good reminder.

 

My thoughts are scattered and I cannot say a word, and I can’t seem to remember anything I’ve learned

(Sleep – Plumb)

This one is a good crying song if I’m not already crying but am in a safe place to cry. I lean towards sensory seeking to numb out so a slow song takes away some of the sensory stimulation which lets the tears pour down my face.

 

Are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls to hide our weakness and smiles to hide our pain? But the invitation’s open to any heart that has been broken…is there anyone who fails? Is there anyone who falls? Am I the only one in church today feeling so small?

(Stained Glass Masquerade – Casting Crowns)

This is another oldy but goody…mostly I hate music without words, but this song is so pretty that I might even be happy with this song without the words…and that is saying a lot because usually the words are the part of the song that matters to me.

 

I could keep going, but as mentioned above, my homework needs to get done…

And so to have a silver lining there must be clouds

(Every Cloud has a Silver Lining – Thomas and Friends)

I am sorry for being such a Debbie Downer. It is okay to be sad, but I shouldn’t bring everyone else down with me.

So let’s talk about all the good things.

Passover was not as scary as it seemed. I don’t like horseradish and apples, but I liked the other things. And strawberries are awesome.

I have incredible friends. Friends who care about me a lot. I might be really good at talking myself in circles, but stick a good friend into the middle and suddenly I am breaking free of the cycle and can come up with enough logical thought to (for example yesterday) figure out how all my needs can work together safely. I have friends who very obviously have more important things to do who will take the time to talk with me.

I have somewhere to live the whole time I am in this state. That is awesome!

I was starting to get crabby last night and said I didn’t like politics because it is just a bunch of people whining or yelling at each other about how stupid other people are. Luckily, the people I was talking with were like yeah, (insert name here) does that a lot…they didn’t realize I was pretty much talking about them at the moment. Yep, I am very protective, so I don’t like when people say hurtful things about other people even if the other people probs won’t find out.

My stats on my blog went way up last night…that usually means the bad people are back…but I have a choice; I can either be upset that they are back and thus limiting what I can say, or I can be thrilled that I am currently being successful!! Might as well choose being thrilled…’cause I mean, I probably should be careful ALL the time anyway…

I can be frustrated that my journal and Bible and pens are most likely at church since I couldn’t find them anywhere else…or I can be thrilled that in the process of looking for them I found a metal butter knife in one of my boxes that I didn’t know that I had. Metal knives are better at getting lemonade mix out of the container without making a mess. Plus, now I could show up with just my keys and have everything I needed next week (although a new pen color would be helpful it would certainly not be necessary)…

I woke up at 2 this morning, which as a stand alone fact is not good, but in context, it is great. Two is the time I woke up for water before, and that is what I wanted this morning. At baseline I would have gone back to sleep after water time, but even just that the timing of the water break lines up with “normal” times seems like a positive sign.

And now I really need to comb my hair and find some socks and pack up my stuff and bring myself to school…and then hurry up and get some words in the boxes on my assignment so if I am asked about progress it doesn’t look like I did basically nothing but look for the most awesome picture of the little mermaid and smokey the bear for my project…’cause I think my preceptor cares a little more about the words on the page than the pretty pictures…

Why would he let it hurt so bad

(Don’t Worry Now – Britt Nicole)

Some days are not good. I’m supposed to have two projects mostly completed by Tuesday. I am barely any farther than I was Friday. It isn’t for lack of trying…it’s just that I’ve spent more time today crying than working…

…and when I was working I was really having trouble getting through the work. I am really worried about this rotation because the quality of my work is umm…decidedly not ideal…and at this point I’m having trouble having even just SOMETHING not even necessarily something good to turn in. Everyone said this rotation would be easy…I don’t think everyone knew A) how hard grieving and keeping up with school would be and B) that I would be engaged in meetings and classes from at the LATEST 9:30 until at LEAST 5 on some days and 6:30 other days in addition to new homework being added to my plate every day. It is starting to get to the point that I am not sure I will successfully complete this rotation, which is terrifying, because lack of success means delaying graduation which would be really hard to explain to a potential employer someday…at least it would give me longer to look for a job somewhere?

All I’ve eaten today was four chocolate chip pancakes, a granola bar, a couple ounces of orange juice, half a bottle of grape propel, and maybe a cup of water. I’m trying. I really am, but today was a hard day and without prompting I was really struggling to eat. I know if I was eating I might be able to focus better and I probably would be less emotional, but the pain of the grief was really heavy today. Today is also going to be my first Passover celebration. I am not sure how much food that involves…I just hope that no one expects me to drink wine, because this definitely is not a good time for my first alcoholic beverage.

I think the problem is that it is getting very close to the day I find out the results of phase II. I don’t think anyone is going to want me in phase II, and the closer the day comes, so too does the possibility of repeated failure. There is still a possibility of a miracle until Wednesday and the closer that day comes the more anxious I am becoming. It still hurts more than words can express.

I don’t know if I can take another failure to match. I clearly haven’t really recovered from phase I yet. I thought this pain was too much and I am getting closer to the possibility of even more.

Complicating the picture, Wednesday is also the second Wednesday of the month which means I will need a new place to park my car and will probably have a longer walk to school. My friend said I should park at IKEA. I need to figure out if the route from IKEA to school will put me on a safe path. Okay, if I am being super honest, I am afraid that if I don’t match Wednesday I will be thinking so poorly that I could make a bad choice and get myself killed. If there is a train crossing that is between school and IKEA I doubt I will be paying enough attention to keep myself safe. Intersections aren’t so bad because cars generally will stop for me if I am not paying enough attention and end up in the way, but trains aren’t supposed to be watching for that. I don’t want to hurt people by getting dead. As much as I would be thrilled to no longer hurt so bad, I don’t want to eternally feel guilty for hurting people either…(umm, actually I’m not sure you can feel guilt once you get to heaven…but it’s the principle of the matter…)

And that isn’t to mention that not matching in phase II further decreases my chances of getting ANY job.

I don’t know why God put me in this place. I don’t know why he won’t take me home. I don’t know why he lets me hurt so bad. But I know that God is good. I know that God exists and cares…I wish I could go to bed, wake up, and be in elementary school again and tell myself not to make too many plans so that I wouldn’t have plans and dreams that could be crushed. If my goal in life was just to work at McDonalds I could probably make that happen with not too much difficulty. And then I’d have free McDonalds! Yum!

And it burns like third degree

(Switchfoot – I won’t let you go)

God is good. He isn’t good because I have incredible friends, nor would he be not good if I had no friends. He wasn’t not good when I was denied the job I had been working towards for as long as I can remember. No, God is not good because of my life circumstances, but the persistence of my awesome friends loving on me allowed me to once again acknowledge the goodness of my God. I am still grieving my loss (although the DSM IV says I should have been done 8 days ago), but I finally have been able to acknowledge that God cares even though right now it hurts so much. I still can’t hold on to hope because the tiny glimmers are vanish before they even really become real, but now I can recognize how God helped me through it so far. God gave me a best friend who didn’t get upset when I yelled at her via text about how God doesn’t care and she even invited me into the craziness of her life and continued to be my primary support while I was drowning and she certainly had more important things to do. God gave me a manager who was understanding and accommodating and coworkers who understood at least enough of what I was going through to not make me take my whole breaks or even tease me about it…and that is huge, because I used to constantly be in trouble about not taking my breaks, because my choices were either take them or cancel them, but I wasn’t taking my breaks or cancelling them…I was just working. And I had people at church who loved on me when I was falling apart…and one who invited me in without even knowing what was going on…and I (kinda mostly sorta) started eating and drinking and sleeping again…so yeah, I don’t a job. I don’t have my dream job, but I know God is still here even when I am laying on a futon in an office crying my little heart out before I put on pajamas and go to bed. I might continue to be sad, but it is okay to be sad. It isn’t wrong or bad. It just is.

Damaged people know they can survive…also, because I am pretty much the most terrible liar in the whole world…I can’t help but admit on my completely unrestricted blog that I told a half truth today…which yes I do recognize is the same thing as telling a whole lie…so to set the premise for this confession, when I was a second year, someone asked me how I would kill myself if I wanted to do it…I had absolutely no idea. My guess would be that the intent of the question was to judge my safety before allowing me to start setting my own rules because this person thought I shouldn’t set rules because I would set myself up for failure and be so frustrated with myself that perhaps I’d do something I shouldn’t. In reality, I desperately needed SOMEONE to set rules for me and if she wasn’t going to do it I was going to set my own rules. I needed structure; I created structure. It worked extremely well for me and brought me a lot more progress than talking (okay fine, writing and miming) about my fear was ever going to do. So anyway, back to the point, I had no idea and didn’t have the insight at the time to understand why I was being asked, so I figured I should probably figure out how I would kill myself if I wanted to do it. So yes, I do have a plan, despite the fact that I denied it today. But the intent of today’s question I KNOW was to assess safety, and there is a huge difference between knowing how you would do it if you were going to and having any intention at all of actually doing it…not to mention that I am way too exhausted these days to have the executive function to actually carry out any kind of plan even if I did want to. But it WAS still a half truth…the question was technically phrased do you have a plan you were thinking about…and that thinking about part is where I made it a half truth…’cause at this point it is hard to call anything I am doing thinking…mind rambles might be moderately descriptive…or maybe neurons firing almost randomly to create an approximation of a bubbly life while joy is lost…but I mean, thoughts are kinda stretching it…

Try to put the pieces together

(Free to be Me – Francesca Battistelli)

That title seemed fitting because this post is a bunch of random thoughts that don’t really fit together…but writing even just seemingly random thoughts helps clear my brain space to be able to think logically enough and sit still enough to write more than three words without getting distracted and doing something else in the middle…it helps a lot in coherency of my homework.

This is good because as I worked on my homework this morning it is extremely obvious that I am a morning person and also which parts I worked on in the morning versus later in the day…the questions, answers and explanations make sense and then suddenly partway through the page the grammar and logic seem to just vaporize and disappear…

I think I finally put into words the lesson I learned through the issues at school: Just because hurt people hurt people doesn’t mean that loved people love people. I can’t love people out of hurting me. I shouldn’t protect people who are hurting me to create a safe place so that they’ll be nice. It won’t work. But I still feel the guilt and shame that I should have been able to fix it. I mean, yeah, in retrospect I should have stopped loving and started tattling and gotten out of the relationship, but the fact that I care too much about protecting that person to create a no doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. It just means that as an adolescent with a not fully developed brain I didn’t yet have the capacity to fix it myself nor did I have the capacity to share enough hints that the other adults in the situation had enough to have reasonably figured out what was happening…if I hadn’t been the unpaid secretary helping students when they were super frustrated maybe someone would have gone to someone who could have changed things. So maybe it is my fault that this still happens. Okay, time for this paragraph to shut up because clearly I am not able to write about this AND be nice to myself…

Sometimes you just know what you need is a break in a safe place. I tried that at lunch time on Friday and couldn’t find it…got close until the person whose office and company I was borrowing realized she had something she really needed to do…and so I left to go have lunch even though I was having a rough day and food was sounding like too much. Success: I ate lunch. Fail: and then I tried to do homework but never actually got it all the way out because I started crying and ended up spending the rest of my 2.5 hours lunch break trying to calm down and compose myself to be able to go to class.

I made it to class. I should have been more focused but just being there was the level of energy I had to give right then. I knew that it was time when class was over to take some time for myself…I went to the place I have always run (well, always driven) for a sense of safety and due to the fact that I don’t want certain people to know where I go and follow me there thus taking away my hideout, I am going to refrain from mentioning where said place is…plenty of people probably have a pretty good guess, but right now I am worried about being found and having nowhere so I ain’t makin’ it easy. In reality, the person I am worried about has actually been pretty respectful recently, but I can’t afford to take chances. Usually I go sit in a chair or on a swing, or my first week back in this state I went and walked around the block to create distraction to make it easier to meet my water goals, but today even walking as far as a chair seemed overwhelming, so I sat down in the back of my car, turned on Spotify, and took a short nap. When I woke up the world wasn’t beautiful or anything, but at least I felt a little less pressed into a pancake. I then did feel like I could go to the swing and sit and release some energy. It was good…until I had to get back in the car and go home and I barely made it five blocks before I hit traffic and undid all the unwinding I’d just done.

Oh, you know, just napping in the back of the car…

But luckily once I got home things went pretty well. I intended to finish some homework tonight since I am feeling very much like the hurrier I go the behinder I get…so both of my major projects are barely started and both of my projects are due Tuesday…instead I had a delicious dinner and somehow my mouth kept saying yes I would like more thank you and I actually ended up finishing the day with a complete calorie load despite the jolly rancher subbing in for part of breakfast and the struggle to get through lunch…and then I learned about Passover since that is happening this weekend, and I learned about grieving and some other stuff in Judaism. I will admit that this non-change-loving girl is a little nervous about her first Passover celebration, but she is also excited to be learning…and is happy to do anything that makes her little six and a half year old buddy happy.

Also on like Thursday-ish…The awkward moment of checking your phone between classes to see a text “are you coming to the wedding this weekend?” Umm…crap…I forgot that I said I might do that…I legitimately have too much homework to make that even a remote possibility, but I really should have at least remembered enough to have said that I wasn’t going without being asked…

I’ve never been to a wedding before, and it doesn’t really seem that exciting to me. I’ve been to a funeral and both are pretty much the same thing as far as I’m concerned. Something is changing for eternity and therefore we will all get dressed up and sit still while someone reads the same Bible passage as always and some people walk around. Then we will eat. It is really only the and then we will eat part that has any interest points for me.

Also, I have the most amazingest friends ever. You should be jealous…actually you shouldn’t, because that is a sin…but you should totally find friends as awesome as mine.

Also, I’m kinda nervous about my first Passover celebration tomorrow. But damaged people are powerful. They know they can SURVIVE!

When I can’t turn back around

I thought maybe I should stop being such a negative Nancy and I also found this post in the drafts on my blog, so I figured I’d hit publish…IDK why I never hit publish before since I usually never leave anything in drafts and it is from some time in October or November…I didn’t proofread past the first couple sentences, so hopefully it is not wildly inappropriate…

(Love Never Fails–Brandon Heath)

So I was looking through the pictures on my phone for one specific picture…that I seem to have deleted (which is probably good because I looked drunk even though I was just tired). Honest confession, I don’t exactly know what drunk looked like…but studies have shown that lacking sleep is equivalent neurologically of being drunk and I know what tired looks and feels like. Funny story, so we are all sitting at a table eating (or in my case not eating because I’m picky). The girl next to me is halfway through her second bottle of beer. The girl next to her has just taken her first sip of beer. The little boy at the end of the table asks that second girl if she is drunk. I think it might have been that same boy who asked another girl if he could go see her hotel room…but I wasn’t there for that one so IDK.

Anyway, so I didn’t find the picture I was looking for, but I did find this one.

interviewing

I put some answers on the board to practice eye contact…and yep, that is a stick person saying that she is an interviewer…baby steps people, baby steps. See, I was terrified of failing the interview because a certain someone who will remain unnamed told me first year that there was no reason for me to even be at school because I was just going to fail the interview anyway. As it turns out, as long as you show up you pass the interview (and I am awesome at showing up. That is one of my strengths). I didn’t know that at the time though, so I freaked out. I wrote out answers to all the questions and a counselor corrected my work. I didn’t necessarily agree with her corrections but I knew my social skills were not the greatest and figured it was better than nothing, so I memorized those corrected answers to the questions. My way of learning to speak in front of people was to first learn it inside my head, then learn it aloud by myself curled up. Then by myself as if I were talking to someone, then with a stick person, then a picture of a close friend then maybe another friend, eventually a stranger or two, then finally a few people that I care about but didn’t speak with much, and finally the people I would be speaking to, if possible, and if not whatever I could find that was a close approximation. It was definitely a process.

While I certainly do not look forward to interviewing, I am really glad that it is not the process it once was. As it turned out, that list of questions they handed out was not what the interviewers actually asked me…which means that I know that I can survive an interview without knowing the questions and answers in advance. I also have moderately improved social skills now that allow me to more easily come up with words when necessary. I am afraid though that my social communication skills will disqualify me for the position I desire. Sure, my new friend thinks I am doing fine, but every other APPE preceptor has let me know that while my pharmacy skills are great, my social communication skills need some work. I try really hard, but I know my best often isn’t good enough. I pour myself into learning these skills and still feel like I am light-years behind my peers. Someone asked what I wanted for a party next week and I almost said out loud that I’d rather just not have a party. Once in a while I am excited by a party, but for the most part, the party atmosphere tends to be outside of my comfort zone. I drove ten miles to the hotel and ten miles back a few times a week not for the free food–I had all the food I needed without paying for gas in my room–but for the social learning it allowed. The more I observed and practiced in a more challenging environment the easier similar situations in the break room become…plus there was the ability to get a little extra social time in, but non-stressful social time was kind of hit or miss, and I wouldn’t have gone for that alone either.

So yeah. I am nervous about finding a residency for next year, but I am mostly thrilled with the progress I have made since second year. Oh, and to that person “I told you so” lol…everyone needs a good I told you so…(Also, I don’t think that person was being intentionally hurtful. I think she has an abrasive personality and was probably having a rough day before she had to talk to a very quiet first year and just didn’t think about what she was saying before she said it. She probably also didn’t understand that you can’t scare anxiety out of someone. Adding extra fear made me less, not more, likely to use my words.

I’ve stood on this stage night after night reminding the broken it’ll be alright but right now…right now I just can’t

(Even If – MercyMe)

This lyric is a good image of how I’m doing right now.

I’m starting to be able to remember times when I’ve been doing well enough to encourage others at the bottom. I’m still having trouble believing the words I’ve said to others so many times. It is hard to believe this ever gets better when it is so hard right now. I still feel like I just can’t.

On the positive side, there are a few positions that while not my preference I am now able to see as good options even if they aren’t exactly what I wanted. I still feel discouraged. I still feel like if the people I’ve been working with for years didn’t want me that no one will. I still feel a deep sense of betrayal, disappointment, and sorrow.

I’m eating just fine now, and I’m sleeping a lot better…I suppose I could have ended that statement a couple words sooner. I am sleeping a lot. Maybe I am catching up…maybe I am just avoiding living in a world that is so painful…either way, it is nice not to wake up crying.

On Saturday when I was doodling in my notebook at church, I made a good breakthrough. I was able to write “What if God really is good? What if God really does care? What if the pain now doesn’t mean God left me alone?” It might not sound like much, but being able to get past feeling that God is definitely not good to a point of admitting a maybe exists is a big step.

I am really praying that I get a job in phase II. I’ve had a few more very brief glimpses of hope, but I still primarily feel that no one will want me. Hope is like tiny droplets of water on a hot day; what doesn’t slip through my fingers is dried up almost before it registers that it is there. Sure, it might take away a tiny amount of the heat momentarily, but the sun beating down on my burning me up is so much stronger than those tiny droplets. I really need a job in phase II. Besides the fact that options will narrow even further in the scramble, I don’t know if I can handle not matching again…especially now that I’m in a different state with a less well developed support system for acute crisis. Living across multiple states is hard. I think my support system here is good for long term crisis management in a way that my home system doesn’t always do as well, but for the acute crisis it doesn’t perform as well. At home I have my parents very accessible. I have a wonderful best friend who would welcome me into her life at a moment’s notice if I really need it. I don’t have that here. I have wonderful teachers who do a LOT to support me, but would almost definitely not appreciate me showing up at their homes rather than their offices. They clock out at the end of the day and their availability ends. I have a mentor/advisor/friend who is wonderful, but from whom I am physically separated at school. I have other friends in the city, but they have full time jobs and families that do not include me and I just haven’t had the time to get close enough to insert myself into those places. I don’t have anywhere to run for help. I’ve always been a bit of a loner, but it has never been by choice. I am trying really hard to catch up on all the things that fell by the wayside in the wake of phase I…I can’t afford to fall even further behind…I already do feel like the harder I try to catch up the further behind I fall…Not to mention I was all interviewed out before the first interview even started and I am so over interviewing…Let’s see…19 applications to 17 positions and 13 completed interviews…maybe God really is out there somewhere…the interviews might not have all been amazing, but I did it! I completed six of those interviews WHILE GRIEVING! Maybe they weren’t perfect, but just doing it is good…I guess.

Prayers certainly appreciated that this all works out somehow…and the pain dulls a little.