Hey you, I’m into Jesus

(Into Jesus—DC Talk)

It’s true, I am into Jesus.

Also, over the past few weeks I have been thinking about going back to school. I don’t wanna. So many swirly emotions. Going back is always hard, but usually I am coming a place from feeling connected. I feel a lot less connected than usual. My at home church used to post the whole service online, and I watched it…however, they now do not post the part of the service I actually like: the music and the announcements. I can’t make myself watch just the sermon, and to be honest, sometimes I didn’t even watch the sermon part of the video and just skipped forward to the next good part. Without the music (that often featured my “friends”) and without the announcements, I feel a lot less connected. I know pretty much nothing that is going on at church. What I do find out is via facebook, which is a lousy way to get news, because you never really know if the information is from now or from three years ago, and most of the time the information you get is too late to be useful. I substitute Christian audiobooks in the car and I do still listen to a seemingly constant stream of either radio or another music source, but anonymous people are a lot less of a connection source than real-life people. I substitute family vlogs where I almost know the people, but that only really adds connection while the movie is playing since I don’t actually know the people.

Without a full time job, and without connection, I am afraid my communication skills will regress/have regressed. Not usually an issue in 20-somethings, but more of an issue when you are someone like me who minimally used words to communicate until college. Being able to communicate well is important when working on projects for rotations.

I do not like going back to school. Aside from the whole everything I am doing is in some way related to my grades thing that I really despise, the atmosphere of school is very challenging. I won’t actually be on campus much this year which will definitely be a huge plus, but doesn’t solve every problem. Being in the same state as certain other people requires the radar to be turned on with a bit more high definition. Additionally, not being a traditional student anymore decreases my opportunity to really have much in the way of in real life relationships since I am only ever going to be in one state for 5 weeks at a time…and will be generally required to be doing my school stuff during regular business hours rather than spread throughout the week leaving more normal times open.

I’m also not going to lie, it kinda scares me that someone who I really like told me she was going to make me not a picky eater…I am very happy at home with saving some of the chicken without sauce for my meal, or a portion of the enchiladas without cheese or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of grilled cheese…I’d also be content with a totally different meal than everyone else was eating…I love eating, but there are some foods I don’t like but will eat to be polite, but there are definitely foods that fall into the category of I am going to be fighting myself every bite to try to eat it…I mean, let’s just say that for a while in high school my four dollar school lunch really only included two noodles and a bite of applesauce some days…the rest of the noodles had sauce on them and the chicken had cheese on it and the applesauce looked weird…which is why I learned to pack a lunch instead.

Also, no working full time and not being in school for the past five weeks seems to have greatly increased my distractibility…let’s just say I spent ALL day a few days ago trying to sell my textbooks on Craigslist and by the end of the day had not created a single post…I had, however, taken one picture of one of my textbooks, made lunch, cleaned up all my laundry, re-organized the pile of stuff next to my bed, sorted all the books, re-organized my bookshelf, took out a couple books I am in the middle of reading but never actually opened them, wrote a few emails but forgot to send them, etc…yeah, getting things done is not my strong suit right now. I’m not good at adulting.

Also, my love tank is so full today. I have the best friend in the whole world and I love her so much and I would totally move in with her if given the option. She is so sweet…and I am never going to win an argument with her, but she argues in such a graceful way that I don’t feel bad about myself for losing. She is pretty much the most awesome person I know. Except God…

Do you reach out and touch them?

(Dreaming Jacob’s Dream–Michael Card)

Supposedly over break I have been writing letters of intent, organizing things, preparing for upcoming rotations…all sorts of useful relevant things…

In reality, I am super distractible. I found this video and found it really powerful. Imagine what it is like to go through every day like the first half of the video. Some people don’t have to imagine. It is hard when despite your efforts to be friendly and positive the only interaction you get is negative if you get any interaction at all. The video was so powerful–being ignored or cast aside hurts, and it is discouraging when most interactions in a day are like that. Maybe I reacted mostly because I notice things–I see the facial expressions and body language, but even without the visual and just listening, the tone and words (or lackthereof) is a reminder that every interaction counts…and a reminder of how negative interactions have hurt me.

I also found this video. So good. But honestly, the first thing I thought when I saw it was “I wonder what their parents were thinking when their kid came home from day camp with a word like worthless scrawled across her face.” The video was super well done though.

Yolo…or like the Caribou cups and napkins always say, “Life is short. Stay awake for it.”

I like it, do you need it? Gotta have it, how much?

Decisions–Mary, Kate, and Ashley)

Written Monday…posted Tuesday because I looked at the clock and it was 5 minutes before time to go to work and I hadn’t eaten lunch yet.

20160815_100559

LOL…so…umm…anyone who knows me very well knows that although I definitely am not OCD anymore, I have whined and complained and avoided touching the garbage/recycle bins since I was itty bitty—cue picture of me as a pre-schooler throwing away a broken pot, because taking a picture of me doing it was the only way to make me stop screaming and actually do it. So, obviously I wasn’t going to open the recycle bin to show you its contents, so you’ll just have to use your imagination to see that it is about 2/3 full of papers that came mostly from my apartment (but a few were already home from the Christmas break pre-move-out piles of stuff that came home). I think we have a 96-gallon recycle bin…Also, the people that know me really well also probably can guess that if I filled it that full in one day that there is a good chance despite the piles of stuff taller than me that were discarded recently and the multiple times through throwing stuff away in the past few months, that I could probably fill it again if I really wanted to. I was thinking how glad I was to be doing this at home where the trash is just down the hall instead of down three flights of stairs…then I realized that to get all this stuff home it still had to travel down all three flights of stairs, so I didn’t actually save myself any effort…besides, there were numerous other piles of papers thrown out prior to move out. Who knew that being in school could generate so much unnecessary paper?! The paperwork is probably the hardest because it can’t be replaced with a trip to Target. The school supplies take time and effort to sort between throw away, give away, and keep piles, but I can do that reasonably well. The paperwork just feels more and more overwhelming because behind every pile I get to the bottom of there is another pile waiting to be sorted, and the decisions actually matter since the drawing from 4 years ago and the paper with my teacher’s really nice comments and my notes can’t be replaced with a trip to that fancy French store, Target. Also, I have a magazine that is all in French…the articles look really interesting, but I no longer know enough French to read it…there are so many words I either have to guess at or look up that it is more frustrating than fun to read the magazine articles…

I keep finding more stuff I don’t need in the mountains in my living room…

20160815_100155

I am not 100% sure this planner is actually from when I was in elementary school, because that sounds like math and I don’t do math in my free time. I’m a little resistant to change sometimes so it could very well be an elementary planner I used in middle school, but either way, I was saving it for the sake of the empty pages.

20160815_100312

Because I totally need a planner that all the pages either need re-numbering or else can only be used a few months of the year…some of the planners in the pile seem to have zero pages missing and have no writing in them, but clearly if I haven’t ever wanted to use them in this many years, I probably won’t, and I am not so broke that I can’t buy a new one if I want one later…they almost got saved though because I opened one up to look at the pages…

20160815_100354

How cute is that? And that is how a pile of planners almost came to the same fate as the Brio magazines…rescued from the throw away pile prior to finding the trash because there was too much good stuff in there…the planners have made it to the trash though, whereas the Brio magazines have not…yet…

And Every Angle is Covered With Just Another Bandaid

(Relient K–Falling Out)

Well, not really…but Monday was like a six-ish bandaid day…’cause bandaids fall off if you can’t consistently keep them dry. Tuesday was only a one bandaid day. Biggest difference is really just that I was at home instead of at work. Not constantly handling boob money and sock money (among other icky things) means I don’t wash my hands as much…not to mention the amount of dishes I do (or don’t) do. See, in theory I hand wash the dishes daily at home, but in reality I have no problem cutting an apple this morning with the same knife I used last night which means that it doesn’t make sense to wash the knife that I know I am going to use again, and even after that I can improvise enough that the stuff that doesn’t require the dishwasher probably won’t be missed for a little while even if it is dirty. At work it is a different story. I often end up doing dishes there multiple times per day because we have a limited number of supplies and constantly use them, and while graduated cylinders can be re-used without washing, the ability to do that depends upon knowing what was in there before which isn’t always possible when we are constantly taking turns in different positions depending on what needs to be done, and mortars and pestles can pretty much never be reused without washing, because most things require that they start dry…except amlodipine which is best made by turning the tabs into little marshmallows…no one told me that the first time I made it, and I probably spent a good hour trying to crush these rock hard tablets (it was a success, but also a waste of time).

Tuesday I got smart and put ointment on the bandaid before putting it on so I didn’t have to yank off the skin that was becoming enmeshed in the bandaid every time the bandaid lost it’s stickiness. That was awesome because it meant Wednesday there was actually enough skin left after removal of the bandaid to allow a bandaid free day. I tried wearing one when I rode my bike to keep the dirt out, but it fell off…also when I was biking I got hit on by some boys who looked like they were probably in middle school. Lol, I would like to have a family of my own eventually (honestly so far more the kids than the husband part) but just a hint, if you want my number before you know anything about me or even my name, then I definitely don’t want you. Apparently I am “hot” in a t-shirt and a pair of hand-me-up shorts from one of my brothers…Not to mention these kids were swearing up a storm and blocking traffic by crossing the street against the light. I pretended those kids didn’t exist, but that next light could not turn green fast enough.

Speaking of life right now, I was thinking that I kind of fail at adulting. I know that laundry is supposed to be sorted into a minimum of 4 piles (cold dark, cold light, warm dark, warm light) but in reality, I pretty much just wash everything in cold water and then if I do sort it tends to be by texture with the soft things in one load and the not soft things in another, or by tops versus bottoms…yep, adulting fail. Also, I guess the fact that I have no problem drinking juice from a cup at breakfast and then using that same cup to hold my apple slices for a snack and then my goldfish for my next snack before it goes in the dishwasher…it’s all about efficiency—time is a commodity.

I don’t really use time very well sometimes. I am very much aware that I should be preparing for my next rotation and I should be writing letters of intent and other stuff for my residency applications and I should be unpacking the piles of stuff in my basement so I can re-pack again, but in reality I watched all of the episodes of SVU that were on hulu free, and I listened to audiobooks on hoopla (also free) and I’ve been watching J House Vlogs on youtube. I used to think law was super boring and dumb and I still do believe that we really shouldn’t need laws because people should just treat others with respect, but they make being a lawyer actually sound like a lot of fun…plus there are kids on the channel which is how I originally fell in love. I still want to be a pharmacist (okay, and a social worker, but we know that isn’t going to happen), but now on the list of things I wanna be that are not going to happen, we can add lawyer. Lol, if I’d gone to my dream school I really could do both, because they offer a dual degree program (although I would have likely had to figure it out a lot sooner than this to get all the credits in, not to mention my plan was actually to go for five years and do the dual PharmD/MPA program, and something tells me that a triple degree if it is even possible in general would not have been possible in five years). IDK, being a lawyer just sounds like fun, but not fun enough to start all over and get a law degree. I think one of my cousin’s names might be JD, and that is the degree I could have gotten at my dream school. When JD is a person’s name does it still stand for jurisprudence doctor? Just wondering…let me know in the comments below…lol…literally…

I guess the reason I needed a bandaid was also an adulting fail. So I was making hamburgers (which I love to eat, but do not love to make) and I wanted to put the lid upside down on the counter. The lids do balance that way, but when I set it down, I didn’t set it down flat so it was about to fall on the floor which would have been a big problem, because besides the mess to clean up, my mom is very protective of the floors, so I caught the lid…with my wrist…and apparently the lid can hold a lot of heat, which means the area of impact didn’t even really have much of a chance to blister because the skin was just gone. Oops. I know how to cook…I just don’t always use my noggin…so basically, cooking is like everything else in life—I am all in until I am distracted and am all out.

Everybody dies but not everyone lives

(Cross that line–superchick)

Everybody dies.

And it hurts every time.

But don’t worry, I’m not grieving. The crying and turmoil mean nothing. I know, because Someone told me so those years ago. Via email.

Today I am strong. Today I am throwing away that lie I was fed those years ago. That lie that I learned to believe. Just because someone wasn’t my inseparable best friend for eternity doesn’t mean it is not valid for me to have feelings about it. I am allowed to have feelings, and no one can take that away.

I cried today when a guy in the video I was watching died. I don’t know the guy, and I know it isn’t real…besides the fact that the medical part of the scene didn’t really make a lot of sense. Obviously because it is a video I recovered quickly, but real people are different. Real people leave a real hole where ending the season doesn’t truly end the season. If I can become upset over a fictional character, then you better believe it is real that I grieve all the real people who die. A lot of people die. Finding out on facebook isn’t really the best way to find out.

Maybe my grief doesn’t look identical to someone else’s. Maybe going from crying to pretending I don’t care or don’t notice is my mechanism of coping, but different isn’t wrong. Different is just that. Different. I don’t have to dye my hair to prove I’m grieving. I don’t have to look for shortcuts in school to prove I’m grieving. I am me, and I do things my way, and that is not wrong.

Last night I was up late because right after I went to bed I started re-experiencing. Not death, but other things. Sometimes when I re-experience it is one particular event, other times it is a montage of little pieces of lots of events. This time it was the latter. I could have gotten up and found a distraction, but I wanted to be strong. If I run, I am only running from myself and I have to bring myself with me. The thoughts will only come back later. So I stayed. I thought if I could just stay eventually I’d be so exhausted that I’d crash. And I did. I was up at 1am because I am kind of like an infant in that I don’t always make it through the night without my (water) bottle, but I made it. I am strong. As it started I felt frustrated that I was “giving in” again, but I am strong, and I didn’t choose to re-experience.

In the morning I got the news via a school friend’s status. Totally innocent. Just praising someone—probably her roommates or something. Then the last line. It clicked. She was gone. Googling the name and the word obituary confirmed the news. Gone. Reading the comment page. Gone. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me so much, but lack of sleep, and vulnerable sleep at that, plays with and intensifies anyone’s emotion. I was never going to see her again anyway. I hadn’t seen her since like first year. But everyone matters to me. The people I like the least still matter to me. As twisted as it sounds, I still want the best even for the people who have hurt me. But lets be honest. I wouldn’t have been as upset if 1) I’d had a better night, and 2) the news had come via email rather than facebook.

(I promise I’m okay and safe right now. The timing wasn’t ideal–can there ever be an ideal time for death/finding out about death? and the mechanism of news delivery was not ideal, but unless the death is my own it will take more than death to take this girl out. Besides, I have learned to cope with way bigger things than this, and writing gives me a voice to express myself and process my thoughts. If I couldn’t write I might not be okay, but I can, so I am. Lol (not literally), for all those well-meaning people who suggested maybe I should go back to journaling instead of blogging, this is why I can’t. Besides that my journals were never truly private anyway, a journal provides processing without a voice, whereas my blog lets me have at least a teeny tiny voice. Living in silence is the worst. That’s why criminals get threatened with solitary confinement. People were made for connection and community. The potential for audience whether I want the audience or not makes blogging different…perhaps less safe, but certainly more empowering).

I don’t really want to go back to school, but no one asked what I wanted…and besides, I do want to graduate, which requires going back.

They walked right through the door

(Noah took the animals two-by-two—the Donut repair club at the zoo)

On Friday my family got fast food for dinner. My parents were proud of me because I went into the restaurant when they got stuff wrong in the drive through. It is really cool, because I am so far removed from my years of silence that I didn’t understand at first what I did for them to be proud of me. Just a few years ago I would have cried and screamed until I got out of it if I was asked to go in. Now I don’t even really think twice. I just do it. It isn’t even the yummy food motivating me…it is just doing the right thing. I might be a little shy sometimes despite my extraversion, but speaking isn’t something that terrifies me anymore. I am still sometimes a communication avoider when I am overwhelmed, but for the most part, no one can even tell if they didn’t know me then that I ever wasn’t loud in most situations. Now I can talk to anyone, not just a few words sprinkled here and there with my closest friends. Starting with writing has helped me learn to use language, and now I can use language both written and oral. I feel like I can connect with people so much better now that I can use words because I am not limited to only the people who have the patience to sit with me until I can speak to them. I was independent before because I didn’t know very well how to get people on my team. I am independent now because I can do more things all by myself. It is less stressful this way.

Where there is a will, there is almost always a way. On yesterday that will was for ice cream, and that way was…umm…well, I expected there to be a bike rack outside Culvers. There wasn’t. My plan B was to park my bike at the pretty building across the street. I was like 99% sure there was a bike rack there. I was 99% wrong. So after looping around the block a few times I thought about going to the doctors office a few blocks away to park my bike…’cause I mean doctors want you to be active, right? Except if I parked my bike there it would be farther than I wanted to walk to get my ice cream and come back…so I found a light pole to lock my bike to…the lock might not have really fit on the right way, and it may not have been 100% legal, but I got my ice cream and my bike was still there when I came back outside…

Total side note, but the really pretty building says in big print on the outside “mental health clinic.” The majority of the walls of the building are windows without any kind of window coverings. That seems like an interesting structural design. There are definitely some times (especially with certain people) that the distraction of a window would have been highly welcomed to pull my mind away from difficult things…and I definitely asked a certain person a few times to please leave the blinds open and my request was denied…but sometimes having windows isn’t such a good thing. Sometimes counseling requires having a serious conversation—as in one not interrupted by my outburst about the pretty leaf I just saw outside…and having a serious conversation is highly hindered by attempting to have it in front of a window—hello distraction. Hi person walking a dog. Hi red car. Hi fuzzy bunny. Lol…I’ve never actually been inside the building, so maybe it is just waiting spaces around the perimeter of the building and all the real room are in the middle…IDK…the designer clearly didn’t consult me when she or he designed the building…

I’m not finished yet

(Mended—Matthew West)

 

Sometimes when I have a million things I should be doing I feel overwhelmed and end up getting pretty much nothing done which just contributes to the problem and makes the amount to do versus time ratio tip even further away from my favor…so we’re just going to add even further by writing a blog post instead…I always heard it was a good idea to find something you are good at and keep doing it, and I rock at procrastination.

 

I should be working on choosing and applying for residencies. I should be unpacking/organizing the stuff that came home from school with me. I should be more actively looking for midyear roommates and signing up for a hotel room. I should be working on getting ready for my next rotations…just to name a few of the things I should be doing…

 

Without sugar or other intake I still start slipping into anxiety if I am not doing something else either entertaining or at least mind-occupying. I hate that some of that stuff has come back into my life. I am very much aware that most likely without the really heavy stressors this year at school that it wouldn’t have come back, but just like so many other things, I can’t take those things back. A bad day isn’t the same as a bad life. Even without good grades, people who know me know that I am someone you want on your team, because I don’t do things halfway—I will throw all of me into what I am doing if I am given an opportunity to try, and I also am pretty good at training myself and can finish most projects quickly…but sometimes I worry that my bad grades and the things I am not good at will disqualify me before I ever get a chance to show what I can do. The very nature of being evaluated means that I won’t be able to work to my highest potential because the fear of not being good enough or making a mistake makes me more likely to not do as well…I guess that is what BJBH was talking about with test anxiety…

 

Because of needing sugar to maintain cognition and because I am lousy at estimating how much food I need and therefore ate a ton (not literally probably) of extra food so I didn’t have to pack it…umm, that might be why when I tried to get dressed the first day of my first rotation that it took a few pairs of pants before I found one that I could get all the way and zipped up. I know it is bad to want to be skinny, but if I am being honest, I kind of do want to be skinny, but it is also really important to me to not be anorexic, and drawing the line between not eating because “I want to be skinny” versus not eating because “I don’t really need it” is a really thin line in the sand. I know that eating frequently is probably good for me considering that my blood glucose was on the low side when I did the health screening at work, but I also know that I probably nutritionally didn’t need 10 snickers bars this morning. I don’t really know where to draw the line…I just know that eating makes me feel good and I’d rather be happy than skinny. If I’m doing something like VBS I can be just fine not eating usually because I am having so much fun in leadership and hanging out with my little buddies, but as soon as the last kid is picked up there is a high probability of having some kind of issue if there aren’t snacks in my bag or another exciting activity to do next.

 

Sleep obviously is important and adds vulnerability towards having problems…which is why some people might criticize that I wasted gas and time driving to church after work yesterday when I had very little intention of actually participating in any of the activities since there weren’t any areas for me to serve…but when faced with the options of staying after the last kid was picked up at 9:15 Thursday night when the germ anxiety was already starting to set in versus leaving work a little early and asking someone at church to unlock my classrooms to clean up, I will happily pick up toys for 45 minutes on Friday evening instead of Thursday night. My sanity is worth something, so the gas and time for those miles was well-spent to get an extra 45 minutes in bed on Thursday…just going to say that not only do things tend to go more smoothly in my experience leading this age group for VBS, but it also is a lot easier to clean up when the toys from three rooms are not all mixed together. Trying to decide what should go where induces a high level of decision fatigue that leads to the shape sorter being filled with no pieces that belong to it, because I eventually gave up matching the pieces to the toys…my favorite kind of toys are the ones that have no detachable pieces…the room at least looks well-organized as long as you don’t look too closely. A lot of things should probably move to the lost and found, but in reality no one is going to actually pick up their black hair binder or silver clip from the lost and found anyway.

 

I miss VBS week so much already. I miss all my kiddoes and I miss seeing my best friend every day…but I also miss my school area people…and if VBS week just went on repeat I’d never get as far as going back there and seeing those friends…but at the same time I don’t want to go back. There are all the usual things to stress about like trying to hide from the person who is one of the main reasons the hospital closest to my school was so totally out of the running of places to apply for residency…and then also that the wonderful person I am staying with said that I was going to become less picky this year…and okay, I used to be an extreme picky eater, so the fact that I am only a kind of picky eater now is pretty good for me, but becoming an adventurous eater is terrifying, because there are a lot of things that no matter how hungry I am are going to be a major battle with myself to get anything ingested…something tells me that I’m not going to get away with substituting peanut butter and jelly for grilled cheese or getting some meat saved without the sauce…just thinking about it I realize how many things we do at my house to accommodate a variety of preferences that might not fly in the house of someone intent on making me more adventurous. I’m perfectly happy with tacos and ramen for lunch and dinner. They say variety is the spice of life—so I guess it makes sense that I am fine without a high level of variety seeing as how there are a lot of “spices” I don’t like…I’m way less picky than my brother and also a ton less picky than I used to be—I wish that counted for something. Lol, why wait until to tomorrow to worry about what you could worry about today. Worry is one of the few things on which I do not generally procrastinate. I am an A-student in the worry department! See, I do excel in some things!…just not the right things.

Don’t You Know Jericho’s Got Walls Over Ten Feet Thick

(You can’t win a battle with a horn, oh silly Joshua—The Donut Man)

 

Today I rode my bike for the first time since last summer…I am so out of shape. It was short. Very short. In distance, that is, not duration. It actually was quite a long time in duration.

 

It might not be much, but I can’t do everything, and it is one better than doing nothing. I love riding my bike. It gives me time all by myself to be independent and think. Today I was thinking about how my God is big enough to make the wind and the waves, but I also believe not only can he make those big things, but he can make a peanut butter sandwich. The little things matter.

 

I’m out of shape, so there is definitely no way I can go on a “real” bike ride right now, but having a little time to ride my new bike I bought myself last year as a pre-graduation gift, and the new helmet I got for Christmas, was so awesome. Are there a million other things I should have been working on…umm, yeah, but everyone deserves a break sometimes. Even if you haven’t actually started anything yet to earn a break.

 

I don’t have many hours at work…so sometimes I’m lonely during the day…but I am thrilled that I get some hours with the people I love, and I also adore my time at VBS.

When the music fades

(Heart of Worship–Matt Redman)

I mostly just like soft news except when I get pulled into a big thing and want to know everything…but no one will report the things I want to see and know about things. Things like Orlando people dying is hard…I want to see actual pictures and I want to hug people, but I can’t…so sometimes I’d prefer to talk about softer news…

I just read the dumbest thing ever a couple weeks ago…okay, exaggeration…but seriously…it was about how this girl, who may or may not have been 21 years old, drank so many alcoholic drinks that she passed out. Before she passed out she went outside with a boy and took off her clothing and stuff. The boy got in trouble for continuing to use her as a sexual object after she passed out. The people writing the article think it is not at all the girl’s fault, and the boy should be punished harshly (despite clearly being remorseful, recognizing his wrong, and verbalizing desire to help other people learn from his mistakes).

I do think that victim blaming is a problem. I also think that this girl seems to have contributed significantly to the problem. There were two of them. In this situation I see two people who were acting irresponsibly. I also see two victims.

The one positive: the girl had this quote, which is actually pretty good “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” It reminded me that I am really thankful to all the people in my life over the years who have met me where I was and were a flashlight rather than a lighthouse bringing light into my life rather than trying to tell me how awesome the light is while placing it where I cannot reach it no matter what I try. The girl didn’t take the rest of her quote in that direction, but BAM I just did…

I see the world through my jaded eyes

(Press On—Building 429)

I went to bed angry last night. Angry at myself and angry at my school.

In one of her books, Holley Gerth says anger is a gift from God that reminds us to look for the places we’ve been wounded to teach us to nurture ourselves.

I thought that sounded really pretty when I heard it, but once I thought about it I decided that is dumb…I know where I am hurting, and being angry and going back there doesn’t ever do anything good for me. It is better to try to forge and move on.

So anyway…

Sure, they did quickly go over this (stupid) requirement while we were still on campus and did send a reminder email…but every single example they showed us had things done differently than the way they wanted us to do it.

It wouldn’t have been a huge deal—I would have re-read everything and noticed prior to posting if it hadn’t been for a new rule that was only disseminated via facebook as far as I can tell.

See, the new rule is that there is a limit on the number of items we are allowed to upload during the last week of rotation. I had only uploaded my big assignments, so I was going to be way over the quota, so I started frantically uploading everything I could…which took hours that I didn’t have and really needed to use on my huge final project that isn’t fully written yet, because the system we upload things into is SO slow, and SO not user friendly.

So because I was going so fast, two files went online that shouldn’t have, because they broke the ridiculous new rules. Chances are, I wouldn’t have been caught, but I am way too honest so I can’t help but tattle on myself. I hate myself so much. Partly it is a system problem though. It is the dumbest thing ever that once a file is uploaded it can’t be edited or deleted except by deleting the entire folder—which is something that only the experiential office can do. I am mad because why is it okay for them to post examples of what TO do that are not what they actually want posted, and who even cares if I post something I’m not supposed to…umm, my preceptor already is going to know anything I post and see it before it goes online, and EVERY SINGLE OTHER SCHOOL WANTS THIS INFORMATION INCLUDED. I hate my school so much…and I totally get why so many people want to give back only to the students and NOT to the school itself.

And I am mad at myself because it was a preventable mistake, and because they have warned that they hold the right to decrease your grade and give you other penalties including fines and behavior points if they find out…and they didn’t really specify if that would happen even if they only found out because you told them. Does it make sense to punish people for an innocent mistake? No, not really, but does much of anything they do make sense? No way! I have so many stories of how people have been punished for things they did, or maybe even didn’t do and the punishment didn’t match the crime…and just my luck they are going to be so excited to test out their stupid new rules that they are just going to throw everything they can at me to make me an example for everyone else. I don’t even care if they want to fine me—my grades are worth more to me than my money—but I have worked way too hard on this rotation for them to take away my grade over one teeny tiny mistake.

I would understand if I had somehow uploaded like an entire patient file or something—that would be a huge problem…but I didn’t. All I did was phrase something the way we weren’t supposed to phrase it this year. Which is dumb because this is the first year for that rule and they didn’t edit their examples to reflect that, and supposedly it is a schoolwide rule that even teachers shouldn’t be posting things like that, so the examples they post that anybody can see (ie not just the experiential office and one student’s preceptor) shouldn’t be phrased that way if it is an in real life problem.

I appreciate that this school probably has the lowest tuition of any pharmacy school, but just like I’d rather be happy than skinny, I’d rather be broke if it meant this much less frustration. Life doesn’t come with do-overs and second tries, but if it did, I sure hope it would be one of those ones where you can decide how far back you start and not just have a specific time period you get to re-do, because I really would want to start over at least as far as twelfth grade rather than just this year…

…and back to my project, because I am not going to sabotage my project over this even if the experiential office does want to screw over my grade…