Sometimes she feels like crying but she’s holding on surviving…feeling stronger every day

(Fighter –Jamie Grace)

We all know that little people have big feelings…but sometimes big people have big feelings too…but it isn’t as socially accepted for an adult to have a temper tantrum as it is for a toddler. It isn’t as socially acceptable for an adult to scream and whine and yell about how it’s not fair. It isn’t as socially acceptable to show sadness, anger, or other emotions. We learn as we get older that less positive emotions are for hiding. Then something happens and we have big feelings and don’t have many resources beyond putting on the mask and playing the part of the happy plastic person everyone wants to see. I know that numbing out isn’t a good coping mechanism long term, but short term it is pretty close to the only tool in my tool box. That tool has, unfortunately, gotten a lot of use in my life. Sometimes it feels like God forgets about me sometimes. I just want to be happy.

I am resilient. I am an innovator. When I didn’t have an eye shadow brush to apply my eyeliner, I found a lip liner brush and used that. When I was struggling to make the can opener open the can of evaporated milk I went to my room and grabbed my pocket knife. When the best tool you can think of is a screwdriver, every problem looks like a screw. Yep, I stabbed a couple holes in the top of the can with a screwdriver. The excitement of having a pocket knife to make sharp sticks wore off about a week or so after purchase, but the usefulness continues to make it worth the like $3…yeah, it was cheap and has been abused which explains why I’ve already broken so many pieces…but despite those abilities, there are still very few tools in my emotional tool box. Maybe I’m just broken like the pocket knife.

This week has been hard, but at least the physical manifestations are getting better. I was struggling to eat and drink enough because it just seemed like so much work, and I just didn’t feel hungry or thirsty. I wasn’t sleeping much because I was crying too hard to fall asleep. Yesterday I decided that especially considering I was going to be traveling a lot which is already a time in which I don’t always eat and drink normally that I really needed to get back on track and I worked really hard. I had breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Perhaps not perfectly balanced and definitely missing the snacking that usually gets me to a more normal calorie count for the day, but I ate. For the first time all week I had more than 2 cups of water…probably only like 3 cups, but still, it was progress…and I realized another thing: I don’t know how to celebrate without feeding my face. I wanted to celebrate my accomplishments, but the only ways I knew how to do that were grab some skittles or pour some juice…and that sounded more like a punishment than a reward.

I’ve already cried a few times today, so evidently the more emotional side of grief is still very present, but the physical side is getting better. This morning for the first time all week I WANTED water. Sure, it wasn’t ideal considering how far behind on sleep I am that I woke up and wanted it at 4am, but I got almost a cup of water in…I wasn’t so interested in it anymore when I actually got up for the day, but I got a couple ounces of juice and a cornbread in for breakfast. I also determined that since I was almost definitely calorie deficient this week that I was going to drink the leftover evaporated milk. I mixed in some syrup so it at least wasn’t so disgusting, and I did it! My stomach feels like that was way more food than it was used to eating in a sitting, since I had just eaten lunch, but I know that taking care of my body is important.

Where many a dream has died…we were made to die

(Casting Crowns – Thrive)

Looking at the title of this song, I am pretty sure that I’ve had the lyrics wrong…We were made to thrive is a lot more positive and makes a lot more sense in a Christian song, but TBH, we were made to die is technically also true…and is a truth I am living right now. I am very much aware the only thing that lasts forever is heaven so I really only have to keep holding on second to second, hour by hour, day by day until I get to go to my forever home. None of this is forever.

Basically, this post is the same as my last post, only written when calm enough the sentences and paragraphs might actually make sense and the content is moderately more appropriate. I recognize this still is probably moderately inappropriate, but it is far better than the last post which I was smart enough to password protect due to a few sentences that were wildly inappropriate. (Of course, wildly inappropriate in my world which might very well mean barely scratching the surface of the realm of you might want to rethink that sentence in the outside world).

What do you do when your dreams have died?

It feels like sadness. It feels like betrayal. It feels like disappointment. It feels like frustration. It feels like overwhelm. It feels like I should stop this paragraph before I say something I will regret.

I only ever imagined myself in one particular position. I graduate in May and so I applied to nine positions. I didn’t get any of those positions. I think if I had gotten almost any of those positions I would have been very happy with it. Now that I didn’t get any position, not to mention that one position, it seems like that is the only position that would make me happy and put me in the correct trajectory. I am not a quitter so I am trying again even though I told myself before that if I didn’t match I was going to get a job at Caribou, but I feel like all I am doing is spending a lot of money and time to put myself through a hard position I don’t even want. I wish I were in a different career where at least if you are having to go through the second phase all the application fees are waived…I know one exists because I was on the wrong website one day…

Caribou seems like a good fit. It is a good way to increase my conversational skills and confidence – the areas that I think are probably what kept me from obtaining a position even though no one seems to want to tell me that despite the fact that I made it very clear that my preferred learning style is to have lots of frequent specific feedback. Plus, I tried and failed. Maybe I should listen to what people have been trying to tell me and take a year to re-evaluate whether I should really be a pharmacist…although that is not to say that I don’t recognize that my plan B of social work probably isn’t a career that fits my skillset much better. And I am very much aware that everyone would probably be right in telling my I was throwing away my skills if I worked at Caribou long term.

It seems like I have very few long term goals, but the ones I do get crushed.

  • Graduation and my (old) church
  • My college choice (didn’t crush me emotionally though until problems started cropping up)
  • My college classes (I probably would have made the same choice either way, but I don’t appreciate being lied to as a persuasive technique)
  • Becoming an RA (or not)
  • Loving my abuser into not hurting me or anyone else (I will admit this one was a Very Stupid Dream and one that I should have realized wasn’t even a good idea)
  • Being a straight-A student
  • Residency at a particular institution

Like some people said on a TV show I was watching: A: I want what they have. B: What is that? A: They are happy. (pause) B: Are we not the losing team? A/B: Yes we are the losing team!! A/B: Are we not the losing team? A/B: Yes we are the losing team!!

I want to be happy. I saw a big sign that said Take the time to stop and smell the dead grass. I’m not quite sure what the intent was, but I decided it means it is okay to take a break and cry…but I don’t want to. I just want to be happy…but it’s hard when everything my life is built around is out of reach. It’s hard when I am faced with daily reminders of what I can’t have. Pretty sure the only long sleeves I’ve worn in the past year and a half were my winter coat, white coat, and the sweatshirt jacket with the logo of my dream job. The only t-shirts I’ve worn in months are the ones with the logo of my dream job. I own like four badge reels and all have the logo of my dream job. I go to work at the location of my dream job. I make and receive calls from people in the position I wanted that might have been involved in not wanting me. Ninety five percent of my friends in the state I call home are my friends at the location of my dream job.

Before anything happened I knew this week would be hard because next week I have to go back to the physical building of school…now I barely care about that…small blessings? I mean at least if I am already crushed it’ll be hard to crush me further.

Totally unrelated, but I bet you didn’t know they sold 16.9 ounce water bottles in purse size…well, I suppose it wasn’t sold that way, but it was in my hand when I was driving home and then I looked down and it was in my purse…wadded up. We’re not going to talk about driving right now. After totally missing my exit on the way home from work on Sunday, I am now driving with GPS. I saw an accident yesterday and was very glad it wasn’t me…and luckily a very nice pickup truck driver stopped to let me in his lane so I didn’t make a bad choice and turn into a neighborhood where I was going to be completely lost…and potentially go down the rabbit trail of wondering if one of the houses I was passing was the one that I had picked out on Craigslist as my future residence (as a room rental…I certainly don’t need an entire house when I was perfectly happy in 305 square feet).

I am fearless…well that’s not me

(Cage – Plumb)

I will find out tomorrow if I have a job next year and if it is the one I wanted, but in the meantime, I am really proud of the work I did to get this far. Bravery isn’t lack of fear. Bravery is doing it, scared.

In the month of February, I was on 10 planes. I hate the airport. I hate the complete lack of control…and to be honest, being inconvenienced by people who think the world revolves around them is something I can deal with and brush off when at work, but that really annoys me when it involves other people. I suppose it mostly goes back to the fact that I don’t always value myself as much as I value others so I’d rather take the beating in order to keep it from affecting anyone else, and don’t want anyone else to have to be hurt. Like dude, you booked a flight with American Airlines so the United Airlines gate agent is not going to get you on a flight for free because you changed your mind about when and where you wanted to go. No one cares that you flew with United Airlines last week, but you’ve been talking to this person 45 minutes and they have other things to do to keep people moving in other areas so that we can all get on the flights we paid for…

I made a lot of connections and did a lot of other Big Girl things at the airport that made me proud of myself…and it wasn’t all bad, because on one of my flights there was a really cute baby in the row across from me (which does mean I got exactly zero homework done because that kiddo was so cute!)

I also stayed at a hotel alone for the first time. A hotel alone is definitely a lot more pleasant experience than with three other girls I don’t know well who are LOUD and omnipresent, but is definitely still something that I wouldn’t necessarily choose on my own. It was kind of awesome to be able to call a phone number and have a cookie delivered to my room though.

I booked four AirBnB’s and stayed at three of them. Slightly less scary than a hotel, but still a social experience that was totally new.

I rode a couple buses in Chicago. I may have used GPS on my phone to figure out when to get off, and the prices posted online were wrong which made for an embarrassing first ride when I had to dig through my bag to find more money, but I did it!!

I rode the metrolink near school twice and taught someone else how to ride. Finding it was probably the hardest part for me since that is a task I have done numerous times between school and the other airport terminal…I definitely did consider taking the shuttle to the other terminal so I didn’t have to keep looking for the metrolink platform at the terminal I was at, but I didn’t and I eventually found it.

I used both Uber and Lyft. It is unfortunate I didn’t know how to use new rider deals until after I had used the app and wasn’t eligible anymore, but whatevs…it still got me from point A to point B.

I also paid tolls for the first time. It was terrifying at first, but by the time I got to the last one on my way home it wasn’t scary anymore. If I had it to do again I would have practiced with fast food drive thrus where handing money to a person in a window earns you treats before I had driving in a completely unknown area to contend with in addition to the drive thru without any treats, but I made it…and made a wrong turn shortly after that last one that took me on a detour through downtown Milwaukee during rush hour, but it’s over.

Oh, and I had a wonderful time “sightseeing” in St. Louis…it may have been my version of sight-seeing which mostly involved walking past an intersection and being like HEY I totally recognize this place! It is where I got lost last year!! And ooooh, that is really pretty trash on the ground!…but it seemed dumb to me to get on the metrolink for the sake of going only one stop so I walked. Yes, I do feel safe in St. Louis. My opinion is that it is just as safe as anywhere as long as you have your brain turned on. Not turned on like be jumpy and critical of everything, but turned on as in treat people how you’d like to be treated and if someone is holding a gun then probably you shouldn’t provoke him or her…(not that I remember ever seeing anyone with a gun who wasn’t in uniform…but…it is also a REALLY good idea not to bother anyone in uniform if you value your life…just sayin’)

Only moderately related, but whoever designed the keyboard to have m and n next to each other was not thinking of the consequences…lol…so one of the blogs I follow is The Great Umbrella Heist. To navigate to this page I type Um and the down arrow and enter and am brought to the homepage…unfortunately, this morning my fingers were a little off and I typed Un…and instead of cute kids on the top of my screen I was greeted by something completely different that made me mad.

Moderately related again: pinterest found some cool things for me…I know better than to pin them, but I’m pretty sure my blog has become safe again…so yeah…these quotes made me smile…

“Abusing someone then telling them not to act upset is like stabbing someone and telling them not to bleed.”

Laughing SO hard…this is currently on my desktop and makes me laugh every single day. So like I know it is kinda rude and derogatory but that’s what makes it funny…anyone who knows me knows that I would never intentionally hurt anyone…which is probably why I am an easy target and also why I love the bold statement this meme is making – it is so not me, but starts to break down my walls of I’m fine.

“Rule #1 for helping a victim: believe her. Her description is only the tip of the iceberg.”

I saw this and was like “oh my, I totally understand now.” And that is why pinterest can be a good healing activity.

Unapologetically

(Legacy – Nicole Nordeman)

So I experienced gender discrimination last night.

For Christmas I got an IOU for new skates.

My old skates were somewhere around a size 12 in Men’s that really only worked for me because they were lace up only so I could tighten the laces enough to make them fit albeit not the way they were intended to fit. The only problem was getting them back off once they were tightened around my feet…(you just gotta plan ahead if you’re going to need to go potty).

Well, I suppose that wasn’t the only problem.

They were a cheap garage sale find that had clearly seen quite a bit of use before I got them, and then I used them for many many years. At this point they were supposed to have 4 wheels on each skate, but currently have a total of 5 or 6 wheels total attached between the two skates. Some of the wheels are held on with rubber bands because the hardware got lost.

And some spiders apparently thought the skates would make a good home this winter and made a huge disgusting web inside one of the skates…

So all that to say that when I went shopping the first time the stores didn’t really have anything because it wasn’t really skating season and they suggested coming back in March.

So we called the stores we were recommended by some people who skate a lot and they said they had their stock in and were ready for skate sales.

In to the store we went. The first store employee was really trying to be helpful, but the store only had one pair of skates in my size, and they had a tiny spot of pink on them so I wasn’t interested. It wasn’t the employee’s fault; That employee tried really hard and looked at every box to try to find something that would work for me and it just didn’t exist – apparently the customer service’s assessment that they had their stock in wasn’t quite so accurate. In reality they had one or two skates of each style to start the display and that was all.

So on to the next store.

The next store clearly is ready more for ice skate than actual skate sales, but does clearly have a good amount of skate inventory. The problem at this place was the employee. I tell him what I am looking for and point out the like 9 different styles I really like. I also comment that a common thread of the styles I like are that almost all of them are red, so other styles in red I may also be interested in looking at.

The skates he takes out for me to try on are hot pink. I go along with it because a good idea of size isn’t going to change much with different colors. I figure out what size I need and the guy seems to think the transaction is done and I should buy the pink skates. Umm, no. Not interested. He eventually gets that I am not going to just buy the first pair that fits and shows me a lime green pair that is the most expensive pair in the store. I try them on to not be rude, but remind him that the ones I like best are the red pairs.

He looks at like two boxes. Two. Clearly not actually TRYING to find anything in my size. He then declares that the only skates the store has in my size are the pink pair and the green pair. I ask when more skates in my size will come into stock. His response is that they won’t; what he has is what he has. Umm, yeah. There is snow on the ground. I really doubt that you will never have any more skates in my size. I don’t have tiny feet or anything. If I had a twin brother with the same size feet would you really tell him his only options were the hot pink pair or the most expensive pair in your store? If so, you really need to take the word skate out of your store name so you stop embarrassing yourself. Plus, I probably wouldn’t even want that most expensive pair if it were red and cheaper – the reason it was expensive according to him anyway was that it had more plastic casing…and that plastic casing in my opinion makes the skate a lot less comfortable…

So off to a big box sports store to try again. They had no help available and clearly hadn’t started getting new stock for the season and had just taken out what was left from last year, but they did have a skate that fit comfortably and had no pink on it. The goal was red, but no pink is at least a start…a little more expensive than the same skate at the first store we were at was selling for, but they had it in stock in my size. They had a couple other styles in my size without pink…so I know it isn’t just that my size is only sold in pink…LOL, the dude at that second store was like but it isn’t that much pink…umm, yeah, only three quarters or more of the skate is pink…

Umm, if we were talking about shirts or maybe even pants I’d be willing to consider that perhaps you don’t have something that will fit well that has no pink on it (maybe…but I have successfully found pants and shirts marketed to males that I can wear just fine)…but we were talking about feet. Girl and boy feet are pretty much the same with the possible exception of nail polish which doesn’t affect how skates work. Pretty sure if a dude walked in looking for skates you’d have something with NO PINK to show him, so you ought to have the same respect for a dudette. Being a girl don’t change much about my search for skates except that I perhaps care more what they look like than a boy might, and my preference is no pink. If you can’t accommodate that preference then there is a problem, and that problem is gender discrimination. I know male feet don’t magically skip from like a 6 to a 10 or anything because I usually buy my non-dress shoes in the Men’s section (and I have a basic understanding of biology to know that isn’t possible). (Don’t judge…the men’s section has a lot better selection when you are looking for shoes without pink and without childish designs, and your X and possibly Y chromosomes have no bearing on feet).

The internet sells lots of skates in my size in red that look good, but the inability to try on and ensure correct fit is a problem since skates will be expensive to ship anywhere to return…

If the world would stop spinning, would you even notice if I wasn’t there?

(candycoatedwaterdrops – plumb)

I am stressed out.

I know I am not supposed to share any part of my rank list…but…let’s just say that somewhere I have wanted to be a resident forever is one of the two places I am interviewing tomorrow during snowmageddon.

How do you interview when you not only know, but have trained, been precepted by, or both almost all of the people interviewing you? Like 99% of the things I have managed to come up with something to say about besides I don’t know in my other interviews doesn’t exactly work when it’s all things that happened with the person interviewing me…(have I mentioned I am lousy at interviewing and even though I am more than halfway done am still answering most questions with umm I don’t know?)…

The upstairs people know and love me…they are the ones who tell me they don’t want me to ever leave and who appreciatively text me over what I see as just doing my job…but the downstairs people are the ones interviewing me…One of the other people who wants the same position as me is a downstairs person who is known and loved…for that matter, the rest of the external candidates (and any other internal candidates I don’t know about) are also possibly tough competition, because I am lousy at this whole interviewing thing. Sure, on paper I am a great person, but they aren’t hiring a paper, they are hiring a person, and in person it takes some time for me and someone else to calibrate so that they understand me and I am comfortable with them. I don’t know if they are going to want me, and if the people who already know me don’t want me then how much less are the people who met me for only a day going to want me?…and since I want pediatrics, chances are I won’t get it if I don’t match in the first round, because that is extremely competitive…

At rotation today when I wasn’t driving all over the suburbs (thank God for the google maps app on my phone…) picking up drugs we needed I was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to enter and fill and make phone calls all at once while everyone yelled at me about things that needed to get done. Y’all, I am ONE person and am not even supposed to be spending much time in any of the work queue’s, much less three or four of them at once or driving around the area. I might be able to work at the speed of multiple people in certain situations, but there is a limit on what I am capable of, and talking to one person while listening to two others and counting is not something I can do…I’m not ignoring you or lollygagging, I am working on the 20 other people waiting.

And supposedly I am writing a paper right now…a paper that is due by Monday…that was assigned two weeks ago…that I started yesterday…and by started I mean I saved a couple links to articles in my browser…which means there is no way I will actually have the articles I need in time to actually write the paper in time…not to mention with an interview tomorrow and another on Monday I don’t exactly have all the time in the world to spend time on this paper anyway…

Not to mention all the other things that need my attention and need it now…

Also, I got an article in my inbox a couple days ago about the abysmal pass rates of the NAPLEX (licensing exam) recently…yeah, guess who has mostly only given lip service to studying…and then there are the MPJE (law) exams for each state I need a license in…and hoping the MN board doesn’t complain too much about my lack of following directions on hours forms…

Can I please have like 5 clones of myself?

So When my heart hits the floor I can recalibrate

(Eye on it – TobyMac)

So you might expect based on my experience of midyear that presenting at the ISD ### STEM Career Fair would be something I would refuse…well, because I don’t say no to things I feel like I should do, I said sign me up. I mean, I could kinda sorta be in charge, and being in a leadership position is something that makes me a LOT more comfortable in pretty much any situation, so how bad could it be surrounded by 3000ish or so strangers? As it turns out, I loved it!! It would have been a lot better if I’d gotten there in time to shove some more food in my face before it started, but even so, I had a really good time.

Would I prefer a quieter place to sit down with people in a smaller setting – umm yeah, I would probably prefer that, but I had no problem at all (once it had started) with the actual set up. I was a little scared going into it, but I really had a lot of fun. That gives me a lot of hope because while I do probably have to go to midyear again this year, and while there are a lot of parts of midyear I can’t change, the one part that does change is that I get to spend some of my time on the other side of the table. And it’ll be even better than the prospective student open house I volunteered with at school because I won’t have anyone else to keep track of and find ways to get away from…and I suspect I likely will be able to speak about it honestly without risk of getting myself in trouble…see, when you sign up to volunteer your time talking to prospective students, there is an unwritten expectation that you won’t be one of those people telling them to run while they still can, nor will you be honest about things…it feels icky to lie or tell half truths about what something is like…while there were parts of that open house I kinda liked, I very did not like that I would be partly responsible for potentially getting some of these students trapped at my school. Yes, I do know it is improving and things are getting better, but I also know the worst offender is still employed there. I want to protect people, and I was torn, because I am loyal to a fault even towards people who don’t deserve my loyalty…but I also want to protect the potential new students. That whole open house I was just hoping they could all get connected with someone who would help keep them safe and maybe they wouldn’t get as hurt as a lot of people have.

Mostly unrelated, but I am driving to somewhere for an interview somewhere tomorrow (well the interview is Monday…but I’m driving tomorrow…). I may have had a little meltdown because I was so frustrated trying to figure out travel plans…and that is why you shouldn’t leave travel plans for the last minute…so there are tolls…and I don’t have enough time to go looking for an I-pass or EZ-pass…and I also didn’t have much cash and my dad says even though they say to go 5 miles per hour around the tolls that in reality people are going 50 miles per hour and there is no way I will be stopped or slowed long enough to write down how much toll to pay online when I get home…and I had only a $10 bill at home…

So problem number one was finding an ATM to get some money and an open bank to get a pile of ones and nickles…

The next problem was that a quick google search showed that the parking garage next to the hospital cost $52 (not a typo) to park for the day…umm yeah…I can take an uber or lyft both directions for less than that. Turns out there is a bus that goes pretty much exactly where I want to go…the only issue is that I’ve only ever ridden a public transit bus for that one assignment first year that was quickly scrapped after my class when they had some groups done in 5 minutes by driving, other groups (like mine) with no drivers who took 5 hours to not complete the assignment because upon consultation with a police officer we found, the address we were instructed to check in at did not exist, and finally I have heard of at least one group that ended up stranded downtown until 9pm…For that assignment they gave us very detailed instructions about what to do to ride buses and the metrolink to get where we needed to be and handed out metro passes before we started. (Well, I guess really good directions except for that one group who got stranded and the fact that my group’s directions tried to get us somewhere that didn’t exist). So anyway, all that to say I’ve never ridden a public transit bus but for a savings of $48 I figured it was probably better. As much as I hate the airport, I’m thinking if I ever have to do this again, I’d fly and take buses and trains the rest of the way. There is supposedly free parking where I am staying overnight and I plan on leaving my car there during the day while I am at the hospital, but all the rest of it is overwhelming…which is why on today when I was supposed to be super focused on getting homework it got to be noon and all I’d done was work on transportation for this interview…I still need to pack and do homework…

Yep, I’m kinda whiny today…that’s what happens when I’m stressed out for a long time and have almost continuously had colds since the second week of January…see, at work everyone was passing colds around, my family had colds, the people at my previous rotation had colds, the people interviewing me at one of the hospitals had just finished having colds and at another one currently had colds and all the people in the nursery one week had colds not to mention all the airport and airplane time and then I started my next rotation and they were passing around a cold, and I spent time at a high school…so basically as soon as I get over one cold, I’ve been picking up another one…someday I’ll be fully healthy again…

I saw something on facebook that says “Don’t call me overdramatic. If an octopus is stressed out it will eat itself. That is overdramatic.” I liked that a lot…yep, after trying to figure out this whole interview thing I declared that I was no longer even interested in having a residency if it meant going there…umm yeah…I’m not stupid enough to let this frustration get in the way of getting what I want…plus, I filed my taxes yesterday and for the first time I have an awesome refund coming my way!! It’s too bad I don’t get any city taxes back, because I feel like those are the biggest rip-off. I hate paying taxes…like I get the government is in debt, but not spending so much money would be a lot more helpful for the government than taking away the money I earned. Not saying, just saying. I deleted the rest of this paragraph because it wasn’t very respectful…

My internship forms were due like yesterday…one of them is currently in my folder and the other is not currently in my possession nor is it in the possession of the board of pharmacy…yep…I am a super responsible student…I tried…and failed…moral of the story, never try :).

I ain’t like no one you met before

(Sold Out – Hawk Nelson)

So today I realized that I graduate in 92 days and my intern manual (required to get a pharmacist license) was lost again…if there were a prize for the most lost manual, I’d be the biggest loser and therefore the winner…on the positive side, it is found again…but I also forgot to get my hours form signed for this rotation…and I seem to have lost the precious few hours forms I actually did remember to save and therefore may still have some difficulty getting licensed…someday I will be a more responsible adult…
See, if my memory serves me correctly, I got my intern materials in the mail the summer my life was spinning out of control. I didn’t really have the brain space to read and process all the paperwork in that envelope and it all sat in the envelope it came in for months on the back burner. I got as far as remembering that the manual existed and that there were forms that needed to be signed. It wasn’t until this summer that I actually went through that paperwork and learned that I was supposed to have been saving a copy of each pre- and post- experience hours form.
I don’t have much of an excuse for my manual continuing to get lost aside from the fact that it is really hard to keep track of anything when you don’t consistently live in the same state and are constantly packing up and moving multiple times per year…
So I now have a half completed manual and two hours forms which add up to 400 hours…of the 1600 required hours…Yeah, we better hope the board of pharmacy keeps track of the forms too and really saving them is only suggested for disputes over hours…I admit that I shouldn’t have let that stuff stay on the back burner so long.
As for the form I forgot this rotation, I think that should be an easily excusable offense although it truly is idiotic from the outside. See, last Monday I had an interview and was out a little late getting home from that. I gave a case presentation on Friday and was mostly caught up on sleep then I flew out to another interview that took place on Monday. Sunday night I was up like 15 minutes late because I fail at telling time. Monday night I was up late because my flight got in a little late and so by the time I got home it was after midnight. I usually go to bed at 9pm. Tuesday I left my rotation a little a lot early to head back to the airport. That flight got in on time, but it was scheduled to arrive at 8:57pm so obviously by the time I was at my location for the night it was after bedtime and by the time I got to bed it was between 30 and 60 minutes past bedtime. Then Wednesday night I had a super tight connection. At the airport I started at I learned that the gate my connection was leaving vs the gate my first flight was arriving at were the two most distant points in the airport and my directions were to run, get on the moving sidewalks, and push people out of my way. That was before my flight landed (2-3 minutes) late. I ran like my life depended on it. It was like the mile run in school where there was no way of knowing how long you had been running but they threatened to fail anyone who couldn’t finish within 12 minutes and even though I knew they probably wouldn’t do it, I was terrified and ran my little heart out despite how much it hurt. So there I was, running full speed through the airport on the moving sidewalks, gently pushing people out of my way, heart and lungs burning so so badly. I made it to my gate with probably less than a minute to spare before doors closed and showed the dude my boarding pass (which at this point was a little crumpled and sweaty). He looked at me and I half asked/half demanded to board. The airline dude was like we aren’t currently boarding. Inside my head I was freaking out because I thought I missed my flight and was super frustrated, because control freak that I am, I was sure maybe I could have pushed just a little harder and gotten there a few seconds sooner and gotten on that plane. Luckily, while my brain was catching up and processing what to say to get my butt back home ASAP, the dude saw my confused look and asserted that nobody was boarding anywhere because the computer system went down.
Y’all, there are a lot of idiots and jerks in the airport, but there are also some really compassionate people. Some people offered me a seat and encouraged me that I worked really hard and didn’t miss my flight. Eventually I did board the plane and get home. When we arrived, the flight attendants made a very important announcement that this was the very last flight in for the night and therefore do not forget anything anywhere because everyone will be leaving behind you and no one will be available to help you retrieve lost items…hearing that I was super thankful that I was on that flight and not stranded in an airport far away. I may have been wearing a top that was just barely more than a tank top and the temperature may have been approximately 0 degrees, but luckily the towel in my backpack was clean, dry, and easily accessible, and became my cape to stay warm. I finally got home. Let’s just say that when I was already crashing on top of my computer before the first flight started that by this point I was so extremely sleep deprived that there was no hope of organized thoughtful processes occurring.
By the time I got home it was around 1:30am. I was getting read for bed when of course the sleep deprivation started sparking a level of anxiety I couldn’t ignore. See, my overactive imagination determined that someone might have thrown up on the last flight I was on and I was terrified and my fried brain couldn’t process that there really wasn’t any good evidence that had happened and that even if it had that there was a good chance it was just motion sickness and no more dangerous than the person coughing a row in front of me. I wanted Lysol and didn’t have any. Instead I had to compromise with myself and use a Clorox wipe on my hair and skin before I could go to bed. By the time I had done this, brushed my teeth, put on pajamas, I had about 3 hours before my mom woke me up (because of course I slept through my alarm). I raced through showering and throwing random food in the mini-lunch box I’d left on the table on Tuesday afternoon that had previously been used for a frozen dinner and apple and pepperoni on Tuesday when I was also in a rush trying to catch up on a few minutes of sleep. I got to rotation on Thursday and had a preceptor I didn’t click well with and was so frustrated that a couple times during the day I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry and calm down. I gave my journal club presentation, and as you can expect, it didn’t go super well when I had almost fallen asleep during the other student’s presentations. I also hadn’t remembered to bring handouts. That morning I’d been so tired that I had trouble leaving because I couldn’t remember where the door was (and my parents have lived here since I was in second grade)…I went to bed at like 6 or 7 on Thursday, but it wasn’t enough and even with more than one alarm set I managed to sleep through them and be in a rush again. And that is how after having a few pieces of pepperoni an orange, and some cheerios I was too tired to eat for lunch on Thursday, having the rest of the cheerios for dinner, then having skittles, pepperoni, rice, almost pudding (I didn’t have cow milk to make instant pudding appropriately), and a pecan pie flavored sucker for lunch, I failed to even remember that there was a form that existed that needed to be signed much less to actually ask to have said form signed…my lungs still hurt at that point from running through the airport, and I was still fighting to stay awake. Finally today my lungs and heart don’t hurt anymore!! (And this is why I will never ever ever have any interest in becoming a runner. I like my bike. I like swimming. I like rollerblading. I do not like running).
On the positive side, as I was getting ready to take a nap so that I could safely drive home without risking falling asleep, I realized that it was only legal to park where I was parked until 4pm and it was currently 3:40pm, and somehow that triggered me to remember to turn in my nametag before I left, because the original plan a week ago was to park not to sleep, but to have somewhere legal and free to put my car while I was turning in my tag. So I did at least turn that in so that I don’t automatically fail the rotation for failing to turn in my nametag!! Unfortunately that used up all 20 minutes of my legal nap time…so I came home, luckily with only almost running into other big iron things, and napped and it wasn’t until now that I realized I had other responsibilities that had not been performed.
And with that, I am going to sleep now, because I am still desperately short on sleep hours.
Maybe with some sleep it won’t feel anymore like no one is going to want me for a residency…I try really hard, but I am lousy at interviews and I know it. I feel no one is going to want to take a chance on me. Because of that fear, I also plan to rank every program I applied to even if I am not a super fan of the people there or the program. I am desperate to just get SOMETHING.

They won’t like me like they did

(lecrae- identity)

I am supposed to be excited to interview at seven out of the nine places I applied, but I’m not; I’m dreading it. It seems so pointless. I am told that the reason places bring you onsite for an interview is to find out how you fit into the culture and community at their facility. That’s all well and good, but no one wants the girl who doesn’t talk. The girl who doesn’t talk doesn’t really fit in anywhere.

I try to think realistically. I know I have grown a LOT. I might look like a middle schooler, but I am no longer the high school kid with very few friends counting a friend as someone she might be able to say hi to maybe 50% of the time if confronted face to face in the hallway. I am not the first year getting high fives and congratulations for saying hi to my friends when I see them. I am not the second year going everywhere with a laptop to type out the parts of conversation that can’t be answered with nodding and pointing.

…but I still think of myself that way. It has always bothered me when people called me the quiet girl as if that were my only identity or even worse “quiet girl” as if that were my name, but that label sunk in deep enough that I still think of myself that way. I have made a lot of progress since then, but I do still frequently think about how to communicate potential needs without spoken words.

Those thoughts, while sometimes absent-minded brain games, are sometimes legitimate preparation even now. Sure, most of the time I am now a chatterbox that people wish had an off switch, and most of the time I can communicate verbally in such a way that no one needs to know that this isn’t how it always was, but not always, and an interview situation is different.

First, an interview is a high stress situation. High stress situations are the situations in which I am most likely to lose the ability to form coherent words. It isn’t cool when “tell me about yourself” is met with a blank stare or when “what is a strength you have” is met with a deer in the headlights.

Second, I have been observing conversation for years to learn patterns and scripting, and am getting better and better at applying what I have learned to new situations so that at this point I seem like a competent conversationalist most of the time. Unfortunately, interviews are not something I have had much of an opportunity to observe…let’s see, I had an interview-ish conversation in middle school when I was getting my first job, but in reality, the boss asked me to apply for the job and the interview was mostly just me filling out the application and getting the information I needed for my first day. I also had an interview at a university I did not attend. That one was a real-ish interview, but was a super fail. Umm, so the person interviewing me was apparently an English professor. She spent the entire time questioning me about one event that I had put on. She seemed to be trying to get some kind of information out of me, but clearly I was getting the answers wrong, because she just kept asking the same questions over and over despite my attempts at answering. The only other interview I’ve had was at school for the interview into third year. That one they gave us the questions in advance, I wrote answers and memorized said answers to regurgitate in the interview. It was scary because as a first year I was told there was no reason for me to even be in school because I was just going to fail the interview into third year anyway. As it turns out, I wasn’t good at interviewing, but if you showed up you automatically passed, and I might be lousy at interviewing, but I am good at showing up.

All that to say, I feel like they aren’t going to want real me. I admit that paper me sounds like a reasonable candidate – okay grades, involved, excited, good references – but, I don’t think that the people who liked paper me will be interested in real me. Who needs a girl who shuts down in interviews? For all they will know, shut down really is my constant state of being.

One of my awesome friends reassured me that confidence and eye contact are really the most important…which I mean is a good reminder that what I say isn’t as important as that I say SOMETHING (which given my history, even saying something is an accomplishment), but it is also scary, because the two things I get the most constructive criticism on are eye contact and confidence. I try really hard, and my preceptors tell me that I have made a LOT of progress (or at least the ones who have seen me present more than once)…and a lot of progress each rotation times five completed rotations is definitely something I should be proud of, but it doesn’t seem like enough. I don’t think anyone is going to want me. I hope someone is going to be willing to take a chance on me, but I feel like they’d probably rather have someone who can consistently communicate and do it well…and when you get a choice, why go second class?

I feel like I am going to have spent all this time and money and all I’m going to get in exchange is the knowledge that I wasn’t enough. I was actually thinking today that maybe I wasn’t too far off thinking I could take a year off and work at McDonalds or Caribou if I didn’t match. Besides the yummy food, those are two jobs in which I would be forced to have constant communication time. Being in pharmacy has pushed me into part time communication, but even then I often get breaks to do things that get me away from direct communication for a little while, which I’m guessing doesn’t happen quite so much in the food service industry.

I think I can’t I think I can’t

(For the moments I feel faint – Relient K)

My first on site rotation is a week from tomorrow.

I might still have not ever started preparing for interviews. This could be a hardcore failure since I now have like no time…or it could be okay…who knows, maybe they will be excited to have this girl who looks like a middle schooler and has absolutely no idea what she’s doing…

On top of that I still have my rotation. It’s not my favorite, but based on the feedback I got before the rotation started, it could totally be way worse…I was told it was really hard and people fail and it is really challenging and stuff…I was kinda nervous and kinda wondering if those people were just saying it is hard as in you actually might have to do something besides show up to pass…On last Monday my manager found out who my preceptor was and told me that was great because that means my rotation wasn’t going to be so awful…umm…thanks for the  vote of confidence?

I am trying really hard to write a presentation…about a topic there isn’t much information about…I feel like on my previous rotations there’s been a lot more guidance about what my topic should be and how I should structure my presentations…this is kind of just do it…and I spent so much time trying to come up with a topic that I am pretty much at the deadline and still have a blank paper and a pile of inter library loan requests…

…and I found out Friday that I have a presentation to give on Monday…and I lost my voice on Saturday and it isn’t back yet, and therefore I haven’t been able to really practice the presentation…

Should I start panicking yet?

I’m also staying at my first airbnb the night before my interview…so maybe I’ll be kidnapped (adultnapped?) and none of this will matter!!