You probably think I’m too young

(Just a Friend – Jamie Grace)

I hate how wearing make up feels…and I’m not really a fan of how it looks on me or really anyone else. I think people are prettier without caking on a bunch of colors. I have been wearing it for things like interview though, because I know I look like a middle schooler, so to get people to take me seriously as a possible candidate I feel like I have to put on makeup to try to add a few years to my appearance…no one’s gonna want to hire a middle schooler for a residency, particularly a middle schooler who doesn’t yet have the most refined verbal communication skills and therefore appears to still be operating on a middle school level. From a brief meeting with me I know it is hard to see what is really going on inside my head, and I am working on trying to gain the skills to change that, but in the mean time I need to do whatever I can to win enough time before being written off to show that I really am worth getting to know. Unfortunately, yesterday morning I discovered that my eyeliner applicator had broken…I seem to go through those like crazy and will not be buying the same brand that I currently have again, because some of them haven’t even lasted one application before breaking. I’m trying to use it even though it is broken and use my fingers to make the smudges look intentional, but it is really good that today is my last interview. Two days of make up is more than enough. Maybe for the showcases tomorrow I’ll wear a little eyeshadow or something to hopefully get at least a little extra age appearance, but I am so done with this whole thing.

I might have made a really bad choice…I wanted to be able to do midyear like a big girl, so I didn’t pack skittles…it could have been a really proud experience, and maybe it still will be, but right now it just feels stupid because it took away the best way for me to manage anxiety. Skittles are my Xanax. Staying just a little dehydrated helps me not outwardly show my anxiety as much, but obviously isn’t a wonderful situation. Having a constant supply of other foods helps, but nothing really has the same power as the quick sugar and flavor rush of a bag of skittles.

Getting to midyear was okay…except for how they say you should never touch anything in an airport bathroom and don’t even go near an airplane bathroom…but being a girl, sometimes you have no choice when you know you are going to leak enough to show on your jeans if you don’t do something prior to landing…and then there was so much turbulence that to keep from falling into the toilet I had to hold on to the sink. So grossed out. I survived and lived to tell the tale, but if I have noro next week, that might be why🙂.

Also, at the airport when I was leaving, some lady held up the line because she was gate checking something but instead of just being a normal person and leaving it at the correct gate check location, she insisted on holding up the line of people waiting to scan their boarding passes to get on the plane because she wanted a baggage handler to come up there so she could show them how to lift her stuff…umm, lady, just sayin’ but no one is going to babysit your stuff while it is on the plane nor is anyone going to pass those instructions on when we land, so either pack appropriately so that your stuff won’t get damaged or realize that you get what you get and you don’t make a fit. Maybe you should drive if you want more control.

In the midst of all my whining about what I don’t like, I do want to mention something I really appreciate. There is something ASHP got right: the nametags aren’t really good for playing with. It is super helpful to not have that one more distraction. On my current rotation my nametag is spinny and feels good on my hands and has lots of bumps to run my fingers along…not good for acting professionally. The ASHP nametags do not have much in the way of moving parts, and don’t really feel good on my fingers, and are smooth. It is awesome to not have to consciously think about what not to do with my fingers while around people.

So far I am finding that I was very right that Midyear is so not for me. I need more structure. I don’t like being in charge of choosing which events to attend when there are lots of things I feel like I should do or want to do all at the same time…and feel like maybe I shouldn’t do any of them and should just study. More importantly, big conferences have definitely never been my thing. I see no point in leaving town for retreats and conferences. If the same information could be shared in a brief email or a quick video, then I would much prefer that to traveling to a new location and then being surrounded by people 24/7. I am not someone who enjoys these things and am thrilled that in a few years I might never have to go again. I know I am supposed to be excited…I was supposed to be excited about fall retreats and leadership overnights too, and while I try to pretend I don’t wish I were at my rotation site instead, these events have never been thrilling for me…in fact, most of the time these things aren’t even enjoyable for me. I am not a fan of the sessions I’ve been to so far either. The first one was basically a time to tell us it is okay to ask questions. Thank you for classroom skills 101. I think I got that part in kindergarten. The next one I went to had potential, but the topic wasn’t something anyone at the table I was at really could contribute to. The interview wasn’t awesome. Primarily it was reading from the same website I read from in evaluating whether I was interested in the residency. Luckily I didn’t have to say much. Unluckily, when it was my turn to say something I said really dumb stuff. Luckily, I am pretty sure he circled next to my name the yes that I was an okay candidate. I have one more interview in an hour then I am done interviewing. That will feel good. I think maybe the interviews are a good wake up call that I am still not where I should be in terms of communication skills. There was a communication skills session I wanted to go to but skipped because it was at the same time as another session I went to yesterday, but I did go to the interview skills session. That was also not what I hoped for. It was mostly just a mock interview on stage. Not a right and wrong answers kind of thing, but just a mock interview. I did glean some questions to prepare for while I was there and used my time to think about questions I could ask, but google could have given me similar results in much less time. I went to a reception in the evening. I was under the impression it involved food. I mean, I suppose it did…if you like unidentifiable cheesy blob or unidentified red and brown goo. I was thankful for the cheerios in my purse because all there was for me was sprite (two tickets = 2 cups), itty bitty pudding cups, crackers, and the like 6 grapes they put out at a time if I got to them first. To get to said food you also had to do some acrobatics to get across the room. It was way too loud in there to have a conversation and eventually I was thrilled to find someone else who would leave early with my so I could escape. That party was a really hard experience, but I did it.

To be honest, once the shuttle pulled away from the airport I wanted to give up and ask them to turn around and bring me home. It was so overwhelming. I now know that I definitely am not interested in any job no matter how awesome that requires me to spend a lot of time in this city.

I have also very quickly learned that Vegas is a very bad place to be if you have a hole in your retina and really need to be aware of whether you are seeing flashing lights…everything is flashy everywhere…or at least it seems that way to me…I am not sure if I need to emergently see an ophthalmic surgeon while I am here or if everything is supposed to be flashy…it is also hard because I am so exhausted and when I am exhausted I also have issues with perception. The casinos are flashy, the billboards are flashy, the outside is flashy. Thankfully I don’t have to go outside again until I want to go to McDonalds or the airport, so I can limit the exposure to the craziness a little, but there is no way to avoid it completely.

I am glad I looked up that there is a McDonalds in walking distance, because there really isn’t anything for me to eat here. There are no chain restaurants to be found in the food courts, and besides just the challenge of finding something edible in new places, there is the additional challenge of being at baseline so overwhelmed that the idea of standing in a line and then ordering sounds dreadful. Thankfully I packed lots of snacks, but I do recognize that eventually I will run out of nutritional balance even if I don’t actually run out of snacks.

It is really hard to be here. I am so jet lagged (in other words staying up late for no apparent reason besides that someone decided the clocks should say a different time)…Also, the first night, my roomies got locked out because they had their room keys next to their phones so they woke me up around midnight. Then they wanted me to go with them to get their keys re-magnetized so I had to get dressed and go on an adventure to figure that out. I am so tired.

I am wondering if it is possible to get hives from stress. I have been getting what looks like hives on my stomach. I thought maybe it was a cat allergy because in September I had what felt like a cold the five weeks I was exposed to cats and then it immediately went away when I left. Then I came back and soon I felt like I was getting a cold again and in like a week I started noticing hives in the morning (after using a towel that was constantly exposed to cats). The problem: yesterday the hives were still there in the evening when I was going to bed, and I am 99% sure my clothes yesterday were not exposed to cats. I thought about it and realized that the hives seem to correlate pretty well with when my stress was highest…the only problem with that theory is that I’ve definitely had more stress than this before, but never the rash. It also doesn’t make sense that is only on one area and not spreading anywhere else…it almost seems like an allergic reaction to my detergent or something, but even then it doesn’t make sense that my legs aren’t breaking out.

Also I feel scared because there was vomit like all over the floor in the hotel last night. I was doing amazingly well on the germ front, even eating my granola bar after it fell on the floor despite very high levels of stress, but seeing that vomit on the floor was my breaking point…I was not doing well last night. Despite how tired and beyond ready to go to bed I was, I was scared of letting my face touch anything and so I couldn’t go to sleep…Luckily I am no longer so trapped in fear and in like 30 minutes the fear dissipated and by this morning it was as if nothing had happened, but for a few minutes it was terrifying, because being in a crisis while being overwhelmed at a conference would not be a good place to be…

And now I have like 20 minutes until my interview and so I definitely need to think about that and post this later…I kinda want to do a daily post, but IDK if that will happen…especially because I don’t wanna be an annoying whiney pants so if I don’t have anything nice to say maybe I should stop writing…

#uneditedsoyougetwhatyouget

It was only a day and tomorrow’s ahead

(Not done yet – Superchick)

 

“I need a day when the world can take care of itself. This isn’t what I wanted how I thought my life would turn out, and I wonder if it’s like this from here on out. Sometimes life gets you, but you go on.”

 

“It’s just life we’ll win in the end.”

 

“and I wanna give up and let it be what it’s been.”

 

“I got this far and I know that I can ride this one out.”

 

So yeah, today was a rough day, but when I was scripting my conversation in my head in case anyone asked when I got home, I came across these lyrics, and you know, that is a good perspective. Perhaps I was in the car for an hour and a half getting home from school because traffic was so awful, but maybe it was good in order to give me some time to cool off and gain perspective…now that I’ve had some time for a more realistic perspective, I think I will politely send an email to my preceptor about my feelings about this rotation so far and particularly about the midpoint evaluation…might be a more productive use of my time than spending it frustrated.

 

I don’t wanna talk about the worst part of the day, but let’s just leave it at it was bad enough that when I saw people walk past and not say hi and then once I calmed down enough to start texting people to hang out and the no’s came in, I felt invisible and unwanted. I considered going home immediately because I was so upset, but since I don’t make it to school frequently, on the off chance that anyone was around to talk to, I went off looking before I gave up and went into isolation mode. A lot of people actually weren’t available, but I did successfully find one person, and I got to meet someone I’ve been trying to meet for a long time, and then I talked to one more person, and I may have responded to the conversation started of how’s it going with something super negative like I hate life right now (of course with my make everyone happy personality this was quickly followed by a disclaimer that prior to today I had loved my first few rotations). However, by the end of the conversation, I was genuinely smiling, and felt okay. I wish I lived in Jones Hall. There are a lot of people there who are really nice. Then I found someone else to talk to on my way out. It was good. I still feel really frustrated and unhappy and overwhelmed about the situation with this current rotation, but it was a good reminder that I needed that there are good people in the world. Sometimes when I am surrounded by constant bad experiences it is hard to remember that there really is good. Not that the nebulous idea of there being good somewhere makes the bad any better, but at least it gives me a reminder that there is a possibility of someday experiencing a ratio of good that is more in my favor.

My dreams are like dust in my hands

(the waiting – Jamie Grace)

Sometimes I hate life and just wish I could give up.

Yesterday I was late for my journal club presentation. I drove as fast as was legal…okay, a little faster than was legal, but didn’t have time to get from clinic to school by the time I was supposed to be there. Being an excessively early person, that did not help the fact that I HATE presenting. Nor did the fact that as a result I didn’t get to finish eating lunch. I crossed the street without looking both ways because I could get to school faster that way, and it would have been totally fine with me if the bus that I came close to colliding with had actually ran into me. I also didn’t lock my car, because that also takes an additional 15 seconds that I couldn’t spare. The presentation itself went great.

Today I was going to get to catch up with someone awesome and was really excited…then things fell behind in clinic (not at all my fault–I was working super efficiently). I didn’t get my work done and I barely made it to school in time for the meeting I absolutely had to be at. The meeting was my midpoint evaluation.

I am really frustrated. I don’t want to be told that I am awesome…I mean, I do, but not if that isn’t what you really think. I felt upset in the meeting because I felt like all we did was talk about setting goals–I wasn’t there to set goals, I was there to find out what I needed to do differently to get an A on the rotation. The only what I am doing now that we actually discussed was that I had done a really good job.

I was overwhelmed with everything else in the rotation already. I looked up my evaluations online. Well, she might have told me that I was doing well, but the evaluations said I was lousy. I’d much prefer the grade be awesome and the words say I suck than vice versa. Please pardon my language. I shouldn’t use bad words to express my frustration, but right now I am too frustrated to care.

In a couple days I have to go to Midyear. I don’t want to. I hate everything. Not true…but I am super frustrated.

what do I have that I wouldn’t lose?

(Heart Like You – Love and the Outcome)

grateful-for-pdf-nitro-reader-3
hashtag I know the picture isn’t totally centered on the background…I had issues trying to get the picture to even show up in the post…
  1. Well, I don’t post names except of online friends…which means it isn’t cheating to just say that I am super thankful for my friends. I texted a couple of them yesterday, but there are so many others that are not any less important to me…just that I picked a couple to express my thanks then got distracted.
  2.  I have been learning to eat a lot of things that I’d usually reject. I can even do it without cringing. It makes life around the dinner table a lot easier.

3. skittles. yum. (but seriously, as much as I love them, I have 5 lbs of them left at the moment and my clothes haven’t grown with my waistline).

4. meeting my best friend’s baby at only a handful of days old. Can I cheat and have a second thing: having a picnic with my best friend this summer. What can I say? People are important to me…both the children and the community.

5. My new sweatshirt jacket with thumb holes. I’ve never had a shirt with thumbholes before and I love it so much.

6. I was worried about having somewhere to sleep at night this year. I have had a place to stay every night, and probably will continue to have a place to sleep.

7. I am resilient. I haven’t let huge obstacles keep me from my ultimate dream. Perhaps some of the midpoint goals and desires have been forfeited, but the biggest goal still has the potential to come true (pediatric critical care pharmacy, here I come).

8. I am never not enough. I am always exactly who I was made to be, and that is enough.

9. I graduate in 170 days. I will be free!!!!! I’ve been looking forward to this day for almost two and a half years now.

10. I may have initially resented the comment by Certain Someone that I would probably only ever fit in at church (the implication being because those people are more accepting than the general population) because it was a way of telling me I wasn’t good enough and a way to belittle my firmly held religious beliefs. After three years to get over it and to experience more of the world, I am thankful that I do belong at church. I fit in not because no one else would want me–in fact I make friends easily and I do have friends with beliefs that differ from mine and even friends with no religious beliefs…but it is because these people are different that I fit in. These are people that truly love their neighbor and are willing to show compassion and consistently show kindness to a girl whose ability to trust was shattered. These are people willing to take the time to see past the everything is awesome façade to see that sometimes I’m so busy filling everyone else’s bucket that I’ve convinced myself mine doesn’t matter. These are people who, like Jesus, saw me lonely and invited me in, saw me scared and comforted me. I will never forget one of the first times as a fourth year I let my fear show and instead of being shamed and threatened and manipulated, was surprised to be met with kindness and concern…I was still scared enough that I chewed on my towel in front of a bunch of people, but that’s not the point. The point is that God has used his church to surround me with people who show me what it means to be loved, even in places where I walk in knowing no one.

 

 

We’re all dealt our lumps of coal; what you do with it can turn beautiful

(Nice Naïve and Beautiful–Plumb)

Sure, there are a lot of frustrating things in life, but there is a lot for which to be thankful.

I am thankful that I am not as stupid as some people…I read in the news today that there are some people suing Chipotle because they thought the burrito was only 300 calories but when they ate the whole thing they “felt excessively full.” First of all, what kind of idiot thinks that a Chipotle burrito could possibly be 300 calories? The rice alone probably has more calories than that before you even consider the meat, tortilla, toppings, etc. Second of all, the dude had options besides eating the entire things. Perhaps when the full feeling started instead of continuing to feed their faces they could have stopped eating. Bam. Problem solved…and not only that, but then there would be food security for the next day without any additional payment! What a concept! Just watch these people win themselves some free Chipotle for a year for complaining…Oh yeah, and I am thankful that I am not a whiner even if it means I have to obtain the things I want the polite and responsible way.

I am thankful that I can go with the flow. On Tuesday I was supposed to have a meeting at 1pm. I had an assignment at like 12:15 that I really wanted to get information for before I left. The assignment would probably take at least 30 minutes if not more to do well. The meeting was about 20 or so minutes away. I also needed to at least get some food heated up to eat on the way as I was hungry and my blood glucose at 12:30 was 75mg/dL (yep, my rotation partner now is convinced that my skittle habit is not a problem…I had chocolate cake and apple pie for breakfast that morning). So anyway, all that to say I was only about 1 minute late, but as soon as I arrived, I found out the meeting had been moved to 2pm at school…another 40ish minutes away. It was actually kind of nice to have some extra time…or rather it would have been if it hadn’t taken nearly the whole down time to get the computer turned on and logged in.

I am thankful that people seem to become friends with me before I even think about making friends with them…even if that is why my clothes don’t fit. I will admit that going back to 110 pounds which is probably what I would need for the dress I wanted to interview in to fit comfortably wasn’t a good or realistic plan…I don’t think I have ever been that small in my adult life…but the dress fit me well at 115 pounds before it shrunk in the wash…A lot of my clothes don’t fit primarily because when I went to South Dakota I made a bunch of friends and the main way I was able to spend time with them was to go to what was essentially a buffet three nights a week…that on top of getting meals from the cafeteria that were high in calories and generally low in nutrition…and that on top of the fact that I brought enough food with me that I probably could have gone most of a semester without so much as a grocery run with really only being a little deficient in the calcium category…and of course I come back to school area and am fed so much food. Having friends feels so good that I am happy with the trade of friendship in exchange for pounds…

I am thankful that I do not own a selfie stick…because that means that I am not a self-absorbed jerk. Not that owning a selfie stick necessarily makes you fall into that category, but just saying that I don’t really see the appeal outside of that category…

On a more serious note, I am very thankful for a safe place to sleep at night, and for that I am 172 days away from freedom. If it weren’t for how hard it was to find somewhere to live when I moved out of the res hall a few years ago and to find somewhere to live this year, I wouldn’t appreciate having somewhere to sleep nearly as much…and if it weren’t for how much school has put on my plate and what graduation represents, I wouldn’t be nearly as thrilled about graduating. I am very blessed.

**Just going to note that I still think the idea of listening to the names of all of my classmates and walking across a stage still seems like torture to me. I still have no use for that pointless ceremony. In my opinion, just throw my diploma in the mail and you can save both of us the effort of showing up and pretending this exercise is enjoyable…on the positive side, I am very thankful that it probably won’t be a zillionty degrees like the you have four years left at this place ceremony was…yeah, I don’t see much point in celebrating the fact that a month ago you started making me wear an uncomfortable jacket to most of my labs…dude, nothing changed from the year before except that now you are dictating my clothing choice…I wanna dress myself like a big girl please, and big girls don’t wear white coats…

Caught up in the halls of introspection

(House of Mirrors- Tenth Avenue North)

Can I just say that I adore children…except for when one of them decides my toothbrush is awesome and plays with it…Kids outside of an elementary school setting have never been a germ problem for me—even in situations it probably isn’t very safe I am happy to share with kids…and right now I am at a place where it is relatively hard to ruffle my germ feathers even though I always live life with a little bit of protection just in case to soften the fall if anything does happen. I will say though that someone playing with my toothbrush went pretty close to the zone of not okay with me. It’s a good thing she’s cute…and that it didn’t actually go in her mouth.

I think I finally identified what it is that bothers me so much about people bashing Trump…see, I knew there was more to it than just that people were being incredibly rude, because while I reacted to people bashing Hillary, internally I reacted more to Trump bashing. The difference is that the core complaint hits a little too close to home. The difference is that the main thing people seem to complain about is that he isn’t the greatest speaker (okay, that might have been putting it a bit too softly…he is a lousy public speaker). I get that he isn’t eloquent, but there are worse things at which to be lousy. TBH, it is my opinion that it doesn’t take eloquence to run a country. I, too, am not eloquent, not a good speaker. If I were judged solely on my social communication skills, people would probably have a lot of fuel for bashing me, too. Yes, I did tell someone a few months ago “maybe you should dance by yourself.” It was intended to be a positive comment, and you can probably tell that it doesn’t sound so positive when spoken. I do say a lot of dumb things when I don’t think before I start talking. The point I was trying to convey is easy to ignore, instead making fun of the way I expressed my opinion. I am lucky enough to be able to usually surround myself with people who will clarify and take a moment to understand what I am trying to say, and to not be surrounded by the media. Everyone has flaws, and not being well-spoken doesn’t make me or Trump a bad person. It just takes a little bit of being polite and listening to understand our hearts. Am I saying that I agree with every one of Trump’s policies? No, I am not, and I do not. (Note that I also do not agree with all of Hillary’s policies or all of Gary’s policies. They each had policies I liked as well as policies I disliked). I didn’t vote, and I can honestly say that the more I looked into the issues, the more the decision of the “best” candidate for presidency as well as the “best” candidate for whom to vote became foggy. I know I’ve talked about a few of the issues already, but based on the hate-speech I am still hearing about the candidates, I think further sharing of my opinion is probably not a prudent choice at this time. Like I heard on the radio one day, America desperately needed change and change is what we got. Regardless of the candidate filling the White House next year, it was going to be a change. Only time will tell exactly what that change will be. Because we are adults, we can show respect to our leader without agreeing with every one of their opinions.

Have you ever been spontaneously invited into the middle of a party and not known how to escape when it is almost midnight and you usually go to bed at 9? Yeah, that happened. It was probably good because I realized about the time I got in my car that I hadn’t made very good nutrition choices all day…hmm: cheerios for breakfast, noodles bread chips and skittles for lunch, crackers and cookies for dinner…what’s missing? Parties aren’t really the best for me getting nutrition in either, but I did at least add some protein to that list. I just had a little hard time trying to figure out how to excuse myself to go to bed. Like I unsuccessfully tried to explain to someone first year, knowing potential words to say and watching interactions has never really been enough in some areas of communication to pick up on the skills I need, because there are some situations that are just seem so different every single time that I can’t figure out how to properly imitate them or modify them to meet my needs. Leaving a conversation is one of those areas…and it is a problem both in person and on the phone. It is one that I really need to figure out though, because being at a party until almost midnight isn’t good when I have a ton of homework I really need to be doing…and sleep I really need to be getting…I was really proud of myself for staying in bed until almost six, but when I was most definitely awake by 3, it just isn’t quite enough. I have been trying to do homework but ending up staring at the screen or at my paper in a half asleep daze…so tired…

Speaking of nutritional choices…it was becoming obvious there was a problem right about the time I got in my car to go home. I knew the gas light had been on for a while. I knew the closest gas station was the opposite direction as home. I knew I had 10 miles left before completely empty. I went around the block to go to that closest gas station…then immediately realized that the closest one in the direction I actually needed to be heading to get home was definitely within 10 miles…so instead of turning left with a light like I could have done, I ended up turning left onto a busy road without a light…yep, I am an idiot sometimes. I did make it to the gas station without running out or getting lost…and then promptly drove past another gas station I totally could have made it to that was selling the gas for 20 cents cheaper per gallon…you can’t be picky when you live about 15 miles from church and are forgetful (and/or lazy) about keeping your car full of gas…especially when you are directionally challenged and never really know how far you’ll actually end up going in the process of getting from point A to point B. (Lol, people think when I am willing to try going somewhere myself that I must know what I’m doing—in reality, I have just gotten really comfortable with being super lost). Yeah, there are a lot of things about myself I would change if I could, but sometimes those same things can be positive. There’s always two sides to every coin, you just have to flip it over. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_hK6YG3jjI )

I had another paragraph written. I deleted it because it was probably going to offend someone. You’re welcome.

I saw me through your eyes

(through your eyes–Britt Nicole)

It might not make sense all of my choices, but sometimes there is a definite method to my madness.

See, I heated up my lunch and then realized I hadn’t brought a spoon or fork or anything with me with which to eat it. I couldn’t find anyone who had one I could borrow. I had eggs so I couldn’t really use my hands or really an inverted plastic bag either. I needed to eat, so plan A was to go hang out with a friend and borrow a spoon there. That didn’t work when the friend wasn’t available and it didn’t feel right to just go help myself to a spoon at church without any reason to be there. Plan B was to go to school, get a spoon, then study there. That plan was definitely not a good one. I did get a spoon and eat, but staying was not going to work. First, I couldn’t stop running into and talking to people. Second, I didn’t really feel safe so even when I was sitting down, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get anything done. After being away for a while the idea of being back at school during the day just is too hard for me. Evenings are okay because the probability of having a problem are so much lower, but during the day just wasn’t going to be good for me. I’ll have to tackle that later when I do a teaching rotation, but for now I can distance myself which is safer anyway.

So I settled on plan C: go to church and just hang out outside doing homework. It worked out reasonably well. I didn’t get All The Things done, but that wasn’t going to happen anywhere. I did realize that I apparently have no more bandaids in my lunch box, but I did find a “moist towelette” in my car that sufficiently cleaned up the blood when I tried to swing but managed to completely miss the swing and land on my bottom and my ankle.

I didn’t expect to see anyone, because there is a very short list of people that I feel comfortable texting in the middle of the day or just appearing to see, but just being at church is a safe place for me. I also actually did get to see one of my friends, and it made my day!! I wish I could have a work from home afternoon every afternoon!! Also, I wish I were in one place long enough to volunteer at the counseling center. I feel like even though I probably could get there this mod in enough time to have a few hours there in the evening that it wouldn’t really be good. It would be WONDERFUL for me, but for the clients I feel like it might not because in my opinion, consistency is probably more important than someone to greet you when you walk in the door. Maybe I’m wrong…but anyway, I loved being over there and it made me really miss even more all the people I had to say goodbye to back in May. Those people were some of the most amazing people I know…hmm, perhaps what that actually means is that I need to just take the risk of being annoying and just ask people if they want to catch up with me for a few minutes.

Where I studied was also pretty awesome because I could take a walk after every few pages read to use up some energy without people staring at me. That works out really well so I can sit still and focus better…and so that I am not so annoyed when the traffic is ridiculous coming home. I might have to add going on a walk to an every time I’m going to have to get into the car when I don’t wanna, because usually I feel really cooped up which makes me feel frustrated when traffic is bad. This time I was able to stay calm enough to realize that some people are very respectful and polite and others act like jerks. I also could think logically that I’ll get there when I get there and as long as the average rate is over 10mph then I’m going faster than I could bike.

Like a warrior, fight

(Love with your life—Hollyn)

Oh my…let’s just say that after the first day the rotation can only get better from here. Where to even start?

I gave myself an extra 45 minutes to get lost on part one of the adventure to get an ID. I didn’t get lost (SCORE)…well, at least not until I needed to find somewhere to leave my car…in the process of looking I took a few wrong turns that took me out of the city…oops…so I got back on track and (gasp how dare they!!) the place I parked like three years ago was no longer a legal parking spot. After trying to get turned around again without getting hopelessly lost, I momentarily considered just parking in the lot I knew how to get to. Sure, there were signs about it being $15 for anyone not using the building it is next to, but I used to go to that building and there was nothing I did then to show I was at that building so it isn’t like anyone would have to know the difference…but always the rule follower, I couldn’t make myself do that…so off to continue looking…and like there are no legal parking spots even in the paid parking lots and meters that are open. So yes, I did spend 50 minutes looking for somewhere to put my car before finding somewhere and not even caring how much it cost by that point…which means by the time I figured out the ridiculous body scan and bag/watch scan station to get into the building I was late and frustrated and ready to go home and not come back. It would have been really awesome if that could have been its own day and I could have gone home after that…instead I next had to navigate to clinic. Of course like one block away from where I actually parked there was a free parking lot…go figure…(You didn’t hear it here, but after all that I’m thinking that if there is a next time I will be parking in the lot I know about and go inside to wash my hands or something so I can honestly say that yes I was a visitor of that building…but really I’d prefer to just not go back, and that will most likely be a reality)…so anyway, I made it the rest of the way there only getting lost once…on the same block that the clinic is on…well unless you count inside the building. The security guard gave me directions to the pharmacy. I tried really hard to follow them and got lost inside the building.

Of course discussion the first day was about the one homework assignment I hadn’t even started yet…and yes, I will admit that I left that one for last because it was the combination of most difficult and least interesting to me…

I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing aside from the fact that is supposed to be done ASAP. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to have to talk to adults with two to three other people watching me knowing I am being graded for what I saw. That is pretty much one of the worst ways for there to be anything intelligent coming from my mouth…

And I got reassigned to spend most of my time at the clinic to which I wasn’t originally assigned and I preferred the location of the one to which I was previously assigned.

It’s only five weeks and as long as I pass I will be done. One thing I know about life is that it goes on.

We Could Really Live Like This

(Giants Fall-Francesca Battistelli)

Sorry if I turned anyone off with my last post…I know politics are one of those things you aren’t supposed to talk about it you want people to like you…I was just so frustrated about how hurtful people were being towards each other. It’s an opinion and a president–nothing that really matters in the grand scheme of things. If you want to complain then please do so respectfully, and if you want to argue about a particular issue, make sure that the candidate you are complaining about is actually not on the same side that you are–’cause in truth probably 90% or more of the complaints I have seen (on both Hillary and Trump) have shown that the person complaining didn’t actually know that candidates views.

Nearly 50% of the eligible voters didn’t vote, but I saw this visual on facebook, and I think it explains visually pretty well why we have the electoral college (just posting this since I keep seeing people saying how the electoral college should be abolished). The electoral college is an important part of the checks and balances in our country that protect us. The Supreme Court is another. Our founding fathers deliberated on these systems to make our country the best it could be and ya’know, I’d rather have a president I didn’t vote for than have a tyrannical dictatorship. Not sayin’ just sayin’. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we have to put on our big boy pants or big girl pants and recognize that when we have to work together we have to make compromises because no one likes a bossy sore loser.

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Also, I am so sad to be leaving this rotation. I will admit that as far as learning goes, I could have gone to a facility that wasn’t involved in healthcare and learned similar things because I didn’t learn much pharmacy here, but instead got more practice with interpersonal communication and other “soft skills.” I have made so many friends here though, and in the pharmacy I felt like I was really able to make a difference because I work efficiently and can get things done, and without a family in the area to distract me by constantly calling me about things, I only needed a lunch break and not a bunch of phone call breaks. I will miss my friends here. I knew them for such a short time, but I felt like in that short time we got to know each other pretty well. I will miss them so much. Some friends got me these:

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So true. Also, I will miss feeling piles of leaves on my toes walking to church when I leave soon. I won’t miss having a shower that sometimes randomly gets cold though. That I am happy to leave behind.

Also, being so far away from school is amazing. Any time I am out of the state my school is in I can breathe a little easier knowing that if anyone tries to hurt me there will be definite consequences for that person because there will be no way to construe it so that that person is not in the wrong enough to do something about it. Not that I wish consequences on anyone, because I don’t, but the fact that there would be more than a slap on the wrist makes me feel safe knowing that I don’t think someone would take that big of a risk to hurt me. It is one thing to do something if you don’t think anyone will find out and/or know if they do find out you can make an excuse for it, it is another thing to do it when you will definitely be caught–and just happening to show up in another state would be pretty hard to explain away…There are also some incredible people at school and in that area that I really really miss when I am away, but really it’d be better if I could pack up all the good people and bring them with me and just leave the people I don’t know and the people I don’t like behind. So yeah…I had really good intentions of doing homework this morning, but so far I haven’t even started packing up my car, so it is time to put down the computer and put my shoes on and start being a responsible adult. I am excited to eat a Panera pumpkin bagel when I get home tonight.

Calling them names because they’re different is wrong

(I can be your friend—VeggieTales)

I hate election time because of all of the hatred and hurtfulness that people spew. The headlines are full of stuff like “Hillary should be in prison, not the white house.” First of all, we have a legal justice system in this country that determines whether or not someone belongs in prison. We also have an innocent until proven guilty policy. Oh, and it is “we the people” who get to decide whether or not Hillary will move into the white house…well, we the people with the help of the electoral college, but that’s a conversation for another day and not really relevant to this conversation. Second, how do you think Hillary feels seeing that kind of headline? Why must we be so cruel to those with whom we disagree? And then the headlines of “your body belongs to Trump.” I can’t say I read the article to which this was attached, but I am guessing it was surrounding the topic of abortion. No, your body doesn’t belong to Trump, and I can guarantee he did not say that. I know you know how you feel when someone makes comments about your actions that are false. Do you really think Trump feels any differently? Your body does not belong to Trump. I might be lousy at history, but even I know slavery was outlawed a LONG time ago. And abortion isn’t about what you do with your body, abortion is about what you do with someone else’s body who isn’t yet able to defend him or herself. If it isn’t okay to murder your children when they can scream then it shouldn’t be okay to murder them when they can’t. (Side note, if it were YOUR body we were talking about then post abortion you would be dead…not sayin’ just sayin’). Today I got onto facebook and 90% of what I saw was people spewing hate about the candidates. (The other 10% was mostly the adorable children posts that are part of why I even have facebook). It really bothers me to see this hurtfulness towards those two people and towards anyone who has a different opinion.

Y’all you might only see these people on TV, and they might look kinda funny, but they are not just TV characters; they are real people. They are people with real feelings and real thoughts and real emotions.

You are entitled to your own opinion. So are they. So is your neighbor who voted differently from you or didn’t vote at all. In all reality, the president doesn’t have THAT much power over our everyday lives. No president is going to mandate what time you set your alarm or whether you shower in the morning or at night or what time to have lunch—the things that really affect your day to day remain unchanged. When I woke up this morning nothing was different than yesterday in my life—nor will anything truly change the day that our new president gets the keys to the white house. (Side note that the vice president kinda gets the short stick–how come the vice president doesn’t get a cool house). You don’t have to like the opinions of the person elected, but you should be a decent human being and show respect to the person elected. You don’t have to like how your neighbor voted, but you are still going to have to live with them the other over 1400 days until the next election, so it is going to be best for both of you if you can get it through your thick skull that your neighbor is another person worthy of respect.

Perhaps the news media and the social media folks need a reminder that as the adage says, if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Have we forgotten our manners? Did we forget “the inside is the part that we’re supposed to care about; that’s where we’ve got feelings that are very much the same…it’s okay if we are different.” It is okay to be friends with people who do not share your exact same opinions. If everyone had the exact same opinions the world would be pretty boring. If you refuse to be friends then let’s remember that being rude and hurtful towards other people doesn’t show how superior you are; in fact, it pretty much just makes you seem childish. Let’s grow up and be civil towards people—even the ones who *gasp* aren’t identical to us.