(Painted Red- JJ Heller)
I’m not sure what the lyrics are going to have to do with this post…but they ar ein my head….so yeah…
Sometimes my head is spinning. So many things I’m trying to balance. Wanting a new job and trying to figure out how to get one while still working the job I currently have. Creating community where I am currently living while desiring to be moving somewhere else and also wanting to stay connected to other people…people who I already feel like I’ve been away from for too long. Pushing myself while still taking care of myself…that nasty word balance really means tension. I guess that is why I have never really liked the idea of work life balance. When I worked at my previous job, it was more like a work life blend. The people there were like my family. There was little separating work life from home life. That is how I am comfortable.
So yeah, I just need space to leave that tension today.
In one of my pharmacy magazines a couple weeks ago there was a study on the cost of residency. Oh how I know those costs. It gave the approximate cost of getting a residency in phase 1, not getting a residency in phase 1, getting a residency in phase 2, and not getting a residency in phase 2. I compared to how much I spent, and found that I spent more than even the high end of the range of the highest spending group in the study. In the study, students who got a residency tended to spend more than those who didn’t. Those things seem to indicate that I am not the typical student. While the application fees can be expensive, they are not the most expensive part of the interview process in my experience. To me, these facts seem to indicate that students who do not get a residency are, in general, students who are less strong students who also do not get many interviews. Not me. I got an interview nearly everywhere I applied. The problem is, the interview is only the first step, and you don’t get a residency by getting to the first step. You have to get all the way to the end of the path to get a residency and I can’t figure out those other steps. I try and try and try and I fail and fail and fail. I probably spend less per place I travel than other people – if I could avoid staying overnight I did, and if not I never paid more than $40 for my overnight accommodations. If I didn’t have to fly I didn’t, and I walked instead of paying for public transportation when I could. I spent no money on food while traveling. So yeah, I traveled as cheap as possible and still spent way more than even the highest spending students in the group and I still had nothing to show for it. It is frustrating. Everyone says I am great until it is time to decide who to hire and no one wants me. I feel like I keep trying and no one wants me and maybe it really is true that no one ever will. Maybe I should give up and realize all I’m doing is wasting everyone’s effort and frustrating myself all the time.
I wish *someone* would be willing to give me a chance. It feels like everyone meets me in the interview and gives up on me before they even really know me. Just because I refuse to lie about myself like other people do.
I read this post recently and really liked it. https://momastery.com/blog/2014/03/18/child-gifted-talented-single-one/ I really agree that every single child is gifted. And everyone develops differently…sometimes we call that asynchronous development when a kid is really good in one area while struggling in another. But the problem is, when that lower level area is reading/math skills we tend to think the kids aren’t that gifted when in reality they might be way better than anyone else their age at something else…and vice versa. I did okay with most classes in school, so I got the dreaded label “high-achiever” that meant that I had to miss out on classroom time – the exact opposite of what I really needed. Social skills is one area in which I really struggled, and the classroom was one of the few areas I did okay. They took me out of the part of school life where I felt comfortable so they could talk to me about choosing a career (umm, done, years ago). Taking me out of lunch to help me learn how to communicate better would have been a lot better use of time. Lunch was a stressful part of the day because you are required to go to the cafeteria where there are a limited number of tables and if you aren’t one of the first people in the cafeteria you’ll have to ask to sit with someone. If you’re lucky, there’ll be a table of special ed kids and their teachers that isn’t quite full yet, because they are almost always okay with someone sitting with them. If you’re not lucky, you’ll wander the cafeteria a few times and people will say no and you’ll get stared at because you’re standing when you are supposed to be sitting and just really hope somehow you’ll find somewhere to sit so you can just eat and maybe do some homework if you actually have table space and not just a chair. The lunchroom wasn’t helping me learn communication skills; it was just a big struggle in my day. It was one of those things where if I had a buddy to help me out I could have grown, but instead it was like to teach me to swim they decided throwing me in the deep end then grabbing me back out when it was way over my head and expecting that to somehow teach me to swim. Instead, by the end of my time in school I still was running to the cafeteria in hopes of being able to abbreviate the process and get out before I was pushed into the deep water again. Some days, by lunch there wasn’t even anything in my lunchbox ’cause I’d eaten it already, but it was still important to get to that cafeteria ASAP. A couple days during finals one of my teachers let me stay and keep working on my test instead of going to lunch. It was one of the best days ever. I wish people recognized that everyone is gifted, but just because a kid is gifted in one area doesn’t mean they’ll be gifted in every area. I wish they recognized that just because one kid wants to get out of the classroom that it doesn’t mean there are other kids for whom the classroom is the safe haven of the school. Some people need extra help in math. Other people need extra help with communication. I feel frustrated because the kids who need help with math get help in school, but the kids who need help with communication get left behind. No one cares if it isn’t a skill associated with a grade.
Then I got to college and they made me almost exclusively re-take classes for the first two years when my time would have been much better spent in intensive communication skills training. I worked hard and had some friends who really pushed me to grow my skills, but just think where I’d be now if I’d had the opportunity to substitute social communication skills for general chemistry and professional communication skills for biology. I work really hard and can pass as basically normal now, but I wish it wasn’t so incredibly challenging for me. I know that what for me is a very thoughtful interaction is essentially reflexive for other people. It is frustrating seeing other people fly through things with ease where I am working my butt off. Practice makes perfect, but practice takes time.
Also, I read another article recently that talked about a lot of things, but one of the things was about mixed-ability grouping. The article was of the opinion that despite studies showing mixed ability grouping in school is best that ability based grouping is better. I disagree. I think that grouping in general is less than ideal. Studies show that mixed ability grouping takes pressure off of high achievers – I disagree; it is a higher pressure environment, because now I have to not only be responsible for myself, but also for making sure to fix all the problems someone else might introduce to the group work. Studies show it is better for low-achievers because they can get help – I disagree; it is discouraging because I know I can’t adequately contribute like everyone else can. The article, however, disagreed because they feel like high achievers shouldn’t have to be bothered by people who aren’t as talented. I disagree. If I am going to be in a group, I’d rather it be with people who know they are low achievers, because they will often just let me do it so it really isn’t much worse than doing it myself…so yeah…I guess between mixed ability and ability based groups I for sure pick mixed ability, but if it is an option I for sure pick no groups at all.
Don’t read this last paragraph if you feel like medical-ish talk is TMI…
The internet lied to me. I know, right? The internet never lies…lol…The internet told me that once you start using a menstrual cup you don’t get bad cramps anymore. It sounded kid of far-fetched, because as long as you aren’t giving yourself TSS, how does the manner in which you collect your secretions affect anything? But I guess I still held out some hope because I mean, how wonderful would that be?! But it’s not true. The truth is that they will come if they feel like coming and for me that can be almost devastating. It really sucks to go to the bathroom at work with a hand clamped over your mouth praying you’ll make it to an appropriate and private receptacle before losing the contents of your stomach from the pain. Luckily, fear of vomiting has made my stomach practically steel and while my throat will be sore the next day from stomach acid, I’m a lot more likely to purge the contents of my stomach the other direction if I am that unlucky while painfully holding back vomit and mostly just spitting out acid brash. Add that to fighting to get enough air while all your oxygen is being used up by muscles you wish weren’t so active and it is an exhausting and very un-fun day that makes it hard to effectively do your job. I’ve been offered an inhaler and an emergency call in the past and while I guess I appreciate that people care, it is frustrating, because I am not someone who wants the spotlight on me, and also I know legally you can’t give me a new inhaler or neb and I am definitely not interested in sharing germs with you if you do have an OTC inhaler or neb in your bag. And I definitely don’t have the energy to sanitize your inhaler, nor do I really trust you to sanitize it. I have to stretch my trust and germ issues as far as they will go to borrow Tylenol and ibuprofen from a community supply or from someone’s personal supply if I somehow am out but able to take something, so obvi an inhaler is out…And I mean, I’m going to start with my own supply either way, because until I have at least a marginal amount of control there ain’t no way even an ibuprofen swallow tab is going to work for me. That’s why I have chewables in my bag and some itty bitty 81mg aspirin, because I can swallow a pile of those long before I’ll be able to do an ibuprofen. So yeah, I’ve accepted going home early before, because my ability to do anything that requires remembering something for more than a couple seconds is greatly decreased so I am not an ideal employee…when people find labels after you go home and have to call to ask you what needs to be done with them because your do in 5 minutes pile got lost it is kind of less than ideal. I’m kind of on the fence about heat packs. I feel like it mostly is just a distraction and a way to show I am not totally okay rather than an effective solution…and it is kind of a dangerous distraction, because it is super easy to accidentally burn yourself and not even notice until later when the other pain wears off…I wish there were a socially appropriate way to be able to just take off a few hours during the day and come back later when you’re ready to actually work…but of course when the work is piling up that would be a lot easier said than done even if equality advocates would have a heyday with women having options like that when men are expected to be able to work through a day sequentially.