Monthly Archives: May 2015

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all they see is someone who’s not me

(Invisible–skylar grey)

So I had this great idea…instead of trying to make my blog go viral when you don’t like what I write, you can come to me with your concerns…Isn’t that a great idea?! See, I was under the impression that I was not living in the walkers/crawlers room at school, that I was living with teens and adults. I know, bad assumption, what made me think that?! There is nothing wrong with walkers and crawlers; I love them almost as much as infants, but they can get away with tantrums and minimal barely comprehensible verbal communication because 1. they don’t really know better, and 2. they are cute…

No offense, but once you are an adult you are no longer cute, so you don’t have that going for you anymore…also, if you still don’t know better, that is something it might be a good time to work on…teaching is one of my strengths, and I am very willing to meet you where you are at and patiently help you express yourself so we can come to an agreement.

I am not asking you to speak to my face…I am very willing to start small…I have a phone that accepts texts, calls, voicemails. I have an email address (Actually, a few of them). I have mailing addresses. I have a blog you can comment on (duh, you’re reading it). I have facebook, twitter, pinterest, and formspring (although I haven’t actually logged into formspring since highschool and I’m not totally sure I still know how)…basically, there are a lot of avenues you can use to communicate with me. I am very willing to work with you and patiently figure out how we can both have our needs met through my blog, but just sharing with your friends when you don’t like it isn’t going to fix anything…

It won’t change the content of the blog, and it doesn’t tell me what in particular bothers you…

I’m not sayin’…I’m just sayin’…

It is a little cute when an itty bitty person grabs my leg and screams to let me know either I am taking too long to get her cup filled or maybe she wants a different toy or can’t reach her sticker (oh, the injustice when mommy puts the nametag sticker on a part of the kid’s back where it can’t be reached and pulled off)…it is not so cute when a group of adults decide to probably share my blog to express their dissatisfaction…if you want something, use your words and ask me. I am very willing to work with you and edit so that we both can be satisfied with the outcome, but I am not a mind-reader. Just like I can’t magically guess what insurance you have if your insurance isn’t on the online search and you didn’t have your card scanned into our system and you haven’t shown me your card yet, I can’t guess what y’all want when the only information I get is the number of views…

(Yes, there really are people who expect me to be able to know their insurance information like that…and that’s not even the strangest insurance-related conversation I’ve had…just two days ago someone asked me to cancel her insurance plan because she likes the one she had last year better…besides the fact that is a conversation she needs to personally have with the insurance company, I don’t think that is how commercial insurance works…)

I appreciate people viewing and sharing my blog because they like it. I do not like people viewing and sharing when it is to show contempt.

Please pardon typos as I blog from my phone.

This is real what I feel no one made it up

(Who I am–Blanca)

Okay…so this might feel kinda whiney…but it’s been one of those days where a few things go okay but a lot of other things go very very wrong…and I really just need to get thoughts out of my head so I can focus on the flashcards I need to spend my time on…(edit: I can’t focus on flashcards right now…I just can’t…and it isn’t ethical to be signed in getting paid to work when my mind isn’t really on what I am doing, because it is not a productive way of working…)

…so my pharmacy shares space with a coffee shop and we get free stuff from them and today it was an iced caramel latte…and my mouth thought that sounded really awesome and it wasn’t until I started drinking that I remembered that latte=coffee=caffeine=not such a great idea…I tolerate caffeine better now that nausea doesn’t cause anxiety to attack and synergize with the caffeine, but the caffeine still causes nausea and tiredness…it was delicious, but I definitely was/am feeling it…someday I will figure out either how to tolerate caffeine better or I will learn to stop ingesting it (except the ice cream with caffeine, because as long as I have that in moderation I usually am okay with that…although it may have more to do with mostly having it at night before bed…but it tastes good and I am not willing to ask myself to give it up)…

I think I have mentioned the #karischallenge on here…well, it was on Fox News…so that was kind of cool…It is a cause I believe in…I donated to this challenge…wanna join me? Karis House provides affordable counseling to the community. All donations are tax-deductible if you wanna do that…

On my break at work I read an email about something and I am currently pretending it didn’t happen, but it kinda did…but I don’t wanna think about it…I went back to work on autopilot…it is hard when not only is the email bad news but the suggested action also is something that is harmful…yeah guys…somebody died so you should talk to the person who we all know abused girlyQ and probably others…maybe you can get abused and it will hurt so much you won’t remember how much you hurt about death…or you can be told you aren’t grieving and therefore don’t deserve help (unless you want it spur of the moment while you are crying and just need to be alone for a minute to pull yourself together in which case the help may be offered along the lines of “you are okay aren’t you? I’ll be busy in my office”…yeah, I didn’t take that “offer” a year and a halfish ago…if I was already told I wasn’t grieving then I guess I had a moment of clarity to realize that I didn’t need to be with someone who wasn’t going to take me seriously or listen to me…and besides…I prefer life to be predictable most of the time, so when I am upset, most surprises are not going to be welcome…

Today on my way home from work a stupid semi driver blew through a stop sign and the turned onto a road clearly labeled no trucks, and while I waited through around five or so cycles of the light before it was finally my turn at the next intersection, I realized 1. that my car desperately needed gas, and 2. that the little arrow was pointing dangerously close to the red zone for heat…because although outside my head I would never get someone in trouble, inside my head I was calling up the company so I wrote down the company name, truck #, and license plate state and #…yeah…it makes me feel like I am doing something bout it…which is also why there are pictures taken at school on my phone of people who were cheating…

Today I also got my June schedule and I am working about 4 days/week but not full days, and it was really disappointing because I expected to be full time but like tends to happen, I am given the expectation of a certain amount of hours and then at the last minute end up with far fewer hours…

I am *trying* to get rotations set up, but I am discovering why new sites are hard…the sites would be glad to have me, but the school refuses to work with them until November…by which time other schools have already claimed all the openings…so frustrated…

also, in the list of frustrations: the board of pharmacy has still not gotten back to me about the things I emailed that I needed weeks ago…

Today I went to a webinar called “Pot for Tots.” It was interesting and I am glad I had the opportunity to go to that…I am also very glad that I am not yet at a point where my license is anywhere at stake in the game of cannabinoids being legalized in various states…so many aspects of the issue seem pretty unethical in the states with legalized cannabinoids, and I am really not comfortable with certain ideas being proposed of how pharmacists could be getting involved in the future…

A final frustration before I set this aside to attempt to do some flashcard writing…all I wanted was a stupid TB test and drug test that I think is ridiculous that we have to do every single year, but no one cares what my opinion is…and the stupid doctors office dragged their feet then insisted that I had to have a physical before  could do that since it had been two years since I’d had one of those…except they don’t have many physical appointments available…and the deadline is approaching…which also means I am getting an email or two every day from the experiential office reminding me that the deadline is looming…OKAY…I KNOW…NOW SHUT UP…the one email a couple months ago was sufficient…perhaps ONE reminder would be acceptable…this many emails is the kind of ridiculous thing that people at my school do…which is why technically the rules state you get two emails per event, but most people don’t follow that rule…but seriously, why do I need 20 emails about one event for a fraternity I am not in?…okay…putting down the figurative talking stick…

edit: random thought today: I took fundamentals of instructor training when I was about 15ish…I was just thinking how inception-ish that sounds…I was taught how to teach people to teach…(a certification that I let lapse, because, well, I didn’t really see much need to be certified in teaching people to teach, and didn’t really feel like I wanted to use that certification…I was kind of quiet, so teaching a group of people only a few years younger than me or even my own age or older wasn’t really my forte…teaching kids I excelled at, and really a classroom setting was where I was most verbal, but I wasn’t really ready to be responsible for a classroom of people…the type of communication that could go along with that (and the whole possibly having to fail people) wasn’t a skillset I felt equipped with…Kyeah…that’s all…bedtime…which is good because clearly I have no brainpower left to give…

I’m so ready to be moving on; In my head I’m already gone

(Where I am Right Now–Jared Anderson)

So a few days ago I saw pictures on facebook of an event at my old church. It was one that I had been looking forward to and then the had the possibility torn away from me when my family started going to another church way back on August 10th 2008…anyone who has known me for a long time is probably pretty aware of how hard changing churches was for me…there were tears and screaming and generally just melting down every Sunday (and sometimes other days) for months…it has even been suggested to me that it may have created PTSD for me, though I kind of doubt that seeing as how it was in no way life-threatening to be pulled away from my friends, from everything that I knew, from everything that I had built my plans of the rest of my life on. It was only just a few months ago that I finally felt like I was past it…that I could experience things that would previously have been really painful because they hit too close to home and be having a good time…for example, there is a song that the worship pastor (who got quit which was the reason we left) directed the youth group (while I was in it) to sing for the youth pastor (whom I liked) at a special service. For years I haven’t been able to listen to that song. I could recognize the song by like the first two notes, and would immediately turn it off, but those two notes were usually enough to get me really upset. I now can listen to and enjoy that song. It has never been one of my favorites, but now it is one that is special to me not because of the event that originally made it special and then made it painful, but because it is now another sign of how I can overcome whatever adversities life throws at me.

So anyway, after that excessively long aside, I was sad seeing those pictures of an event I had looked forward to (senior sunday)…and then I was really frustrated. Sad because I was remembering. Remembering the pain of being pulled away from my friends and everything important to me, and losing my identity as this was added to my grades going down and no longer being a swimmer. Frustrated because I thought I was over this. I thought I was done with the pain ready to be moving on. I didn’t want to be upset. I thought that stage of my life was gone with the wind…

…but then I had a moment of clarity/wisdom…it is okay to be sad. It was, without a doubt, an experience that should be sad. It is okay to remember even years later and to feel sorrow. Sorrow over what happened, and sorrow over the lost opportunities while the pain marinated. It is okay to mourn loss. It is normal to feel sad about it, and I can still be “over it” while feeling some sadness when seeing reminders…as long as it is only mild sadness and memory, and not an overwhelming feeling as if someone had taken a pin and re-opened my foramen ovale…

…and on the topic of pain and healing, a few days ago someone came to pick up prescriptions at the pharmacy and by way of giving her name showed me her ID…her ID that stated at the bottom “psychology.” Not gonna lie…there was a moment of freezing on the inside and pretending on the outside as if nothing was out of the ordinary…but it was over as quickly as it started, especially as this person was warm and kind and understanding…qualities that I appreciate, especially since they do not seem to be the norm at my pharmacy…people at my pharmacy tend to be entitled, demanding, and oh, did I mention entitled?…so it was great to serve her…I kind of wished it would be appropriate to take down her name and address and go be friends with her, but obviously that is definitely not allowed, but she was so nice, and had all the qualities I look for in a friend, and I am always very happy to make new friends…

KthxBai

That was lost. This is found

(That was then–Josh Wilson)

so I had a list of things I wanted to write about when I got a chance…however, although said list is not currently lost, I have no idea what I wanted to write about, because I couldn’t read my own handwriting…that’s what I get for writing in big sloppy print all over the page because it is faster…yeah, faster, but very ineffective if I am going to want to know what I intended to write about…

Things I have learned recently: even if you are overwhelmed and life seems to be falling apart and you are trying to put all your energy into just making it day to day…please give at least a cursory glance to your mail…so as I was looking for something I needed in my room, I discovered a pile of unopened mail…and one of the items from last summer was a notification that if I didn’t call Fidelity to continue to opt out of a retirement account that I was going to start having paycheck deductions for a retirement account starting in February…I didn’t exactly intend to start a retirement account until I graduated from college…but I guess I now have other plans…oh well…I suppose it doesn’t really matter that much since if I understood the letter correctly it is only like 1% of my income or something like that…

Also, I am learning to emotionally protect myself…there is no reason to constantly surround myself with triggers of memories of how badly I have been hurt…so a post-it note that still was plenty sticky and had lots of extra space left to write was thrown away because it was a reminder that brought waves of hurt back over me every time I saw it next to my bed…that post it note had a name and phone number on it that reminded me of a very dark time in my life…the person’s name on the post-it note I never met and she may very well be a very nice person, but I have no reason to go looking to meet her, and seeing that post-it constantly made me feel sorrowful, and that is not a good thing…I refuse to let past abuse permanently take over my life. If we can’t use our big kid words and be nice to each other then I am not going to let you keep knocking me over while I just wait passively for you to do it again. That is a lousy way to live, and I refuse.

On Thursday I learned why you don’t text as you are walking down the stairs of the parking ramp…because if you are already kind of klutzy, trying to text tends to lead to falling and walking into things…so it kinda should wait, even if you really really miss your Thursday friends…As much as I love summer, I also look forward to the school year, because I now have a lot of friends at school that I really really miss…

I think Friday was idiot driver day…oh my…people going on red, the person in front of me for a while stopping on green, getting almost hit twice in the roundabout that I wasn’t even dawdling in, someone using the shoulder of the road as an extra lane to avoid traffic, some jerkface not letting me get over a lane to get off the freeway, someone using the leftlane to drive 20 miles under the speedlimit…just to name a few of the dumb things I saw…

I see this building every time I go to work that says Sun Country on it, so it is no surprise that there was some airplane thing going on over there, but I had never actually SEEN an airplane over there before, but now there are a jillion airplanes parked over near the building, and on my way home from work a few days ago I saw over 20 airplanes…which is kind of distracting, but really fun…

Also, I am working almost full-time at the moment at my job at home which I LOVE LOVE LOVE…and I am working hours here and there on a project for school…I haven’t unpacked fully, I haven’t started my schoolwork, and I haven’t even put my bike back together, but working is so much fun…(but my teachers won’t think it is so much fun for me to not complete my assignments, and I will be really disappointed if I don’t get some bike time at some point, so I think I am pretty close to the limit of how much I can handle…

Oh, and check out this awesomesauce fundraising campaign for a cause I believe in: caring counseling open to anyone in need.

Pulling me from the other side of the world

(Magnetic–flyleaf)

Non-drunk drivers cause 4 in 5 traffic deaths…that is what the signs said as I was driving home…so in answer to the lady in the advertisement on spotify that sounds like she probably thinks she is too cool for you even though she is too stupid to realize what she is saying makes absolutely no sense…so why would you choose to drink and drive? Probably because you got thirsty…or if you are talking about alcohol, because it makes you less likely to cause a traffic death…I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…

but anyway…I have like a billionty-jillion posts saved on my computer that I want to re-read and/or share, and I tried to start narrowing it down, and there were still a LOT of things I liked, so here is a (long) list of things I like…

I like the quadrillion of hashtags in this blog post, but the thing is, as cute as we make it, a month is not enough…people are still sick when the calendar page turns to June, and where is the support going to be then?

So true, but I think the idea behind the blog post was better than the actual carrying out of the post…but trauma can very quickly take over one’s whole identity, and it is difficult to separate the pain from who one is as a person…

Failure means I stop…what we need is persistence. We need standards, but we need strength.

I love this. Broken crayons make weak hands strong. We are all needed. We are not ever forgotten, just waiting to be used.

This article is incredible…the issues I had with church were not experienced quite like this, but oh my…there is another situation that fits well into this framework…Basically all of the big bold words resonate with me, but this one is short and sweet and can be altered to be very true: “Religion will molest you then accuse you of being bitter about it.” Abuse doesn’t have to make me bitter…it can make me sympathetic and courageous.

This story is really touching…A realization of a problem, followed by a promise that it will get better. “Not perfect, but better, so just hang on.”

I am not sure how I feel about this…while I do certainly agree that people should act respectfully towards one another, I also think that as professionals, we have a higher calling towards our patients. They are coming to us because things aren’t going so well in their life and our job as healthcare professionals is not to derive any benefit from them, but to serve them…I obviously do not know the entire situation presented in this article, but to me from the information given, the involvement of the police came way too quickly…calmly talking would have been a much more appropriate solution in my opinion…yes, it does not feel good to be yelled at, but involving someone else is only going to escalate the situation, and your job as a pharmacist is to SERVE people…maybe occasionally you will be praised and that will feel good, but that is not supposed to be your purpose in life…

I believe I have read every story on this list of articles, and almost every single one of them was so powerful and meaningful. It feels so good to know I am not alone. My heart breaks for anyone else who has ever been hurt and abused the way I have been, but breaking for these strangers to whom my only connection is pain, is strangely healing. Just a note, that I have not been sexually abused even though that is what some of these articles talk about. At the same time as it feels good though, it feels scary. I know this is a totally impractical desire, but I really want to somehow be able to protect other people from going through what I have gone through, and reading about how many bad people are in the world that I “need” to protect people from, is kind of scary…it forces me to recognize that I have very little power to protect anyone…I can tell my closest friends when they ask me that I would recommend they just trust me on this and whatever they do, do NOT talk to ___, but I can’t protect the world…Oh my though, besides that, it feels SO good to not be alone in this.

Cartoons about how to beat procrastination…could be cool to do something with this…

I LOVE this…as hopefully a future professional specializing within pediatrics, I definitely can connect with this environmental approach to children’s health…mom’s health will certainly impact baby’s wellbeing..

This is helping me more fully forgive…if you are incompetent and narcissistic and therefore feel threatened because anyone could rat you out if you allowed them to retain enough confidence to do it, it makes sense that you would hurt people and then play victim in order to feel powerful in attempt to cover how inadequate you know you are…It doesn’t make it okay, but it makes it easier to forgive more fully…(also, unrelated to the article, but I am very grateful to the person who helped me recognize that perhaps while some of the abuse was certainly intentional that perhaps parts of it were simply incompetence or poor training, and while ignorance is not an excuse, and the obvious factor should have informed some decisions, that was another propelling moment towards greater forgiveness) 

This is also awesomesauce…things you should know, like it is okay to cry and you matter.

…and now I need to write a list of things that I need to do, because relying on my memory is a good way for things to not get done until it is too late…like packing my intern manual…

You’ve Always Got a Place to Go To

(You’ve Got a Home–Christa Wells)

Finally back home…

I had a great last day…in the morning I played a game called how many times does it take me walking over to Jones Hall before I come back with the forms I need…the answer: five times…however, not all the trips were a waste…one of those trips I came back with an orange which was great because I planned on donuts for breakfast but I figured with fewer finals on Friday that I didn’t need to be in a hurry…I was wrong…and all the donuts were gone when I got there, so I was kind of hungry, because skittles was a good start for my breakfast, but not really filling the whole idea of breakfast…and next fun event was hanging out with someone and having skittles and starburst with her for second breakfast…and next fun event was going out for lunch with someone else…and then hanging out with a teacher who I wandered around to like the only parts of Jones Hall I’d never been before, and she invited me to take as much candy as I wanted and even offered me a bag (I declined though to take more than I could hold…)…and then visiting another teacher briefly and talking and getting a rice krispy and another orange…and yeah…it was a good day…and I would have loved even just hanging out with all those people without all the food, but I love food too, so that just made it even more awesomer…

Oh, and the night before that was a great game of how many distracted girls does it take to go on a mission to find car keys…answer: two…but by “the first thing you guys need to do is find your keys and text us whether they are found or not” it was more like go hang out and remember that my phone is still turned off in my backpack in the lobby and I should go get it and turn it on later, and talk and then…oh wait…weren’t we looking for your keys?…but we did find them…and I found my phone and started answering my messages…I have the bestest friends…I love how I was planning on writing a thank you card to a group of people, and instead they wrote a card to me and are mailing it to me…

And then coming home…another instance of maybe I do need some stinkin’ directions…I figured I didn’t really need them…I mean, I’ve done this SO many times (as in this was the fifth time) so I totally knew where I was going…well, for the most part, I did know where I was going…except for one part where the middle lane went the opposite direction as I wanted to go and both the outside lanes went the right directions, but one was 57 and one was 58 and I couldn’t remember which I wanted ’cause I just remembered the 5 and didn’t remember it being a choice before…and I picked wrong and almost immediately knew that things did NOT look familiar…I might be extremely directionally challenged, but I will probably remember the interesting buildings…oopsie daisies…and of course Carmen, the gps I carry with me, refused to turn on no matter how much I wanted her to…but I figured out how to get where I was going…and 107 miles later I stopped at the casino because I was feeling lucky…actually that’s not true…I did stop 107 miles later, but it had absolutely nothing to do with feeling lucky and absolutely everything to do with because I remembered that I had needed to pee since like 6:00 in the morning and it was now like 11:45…and it is hard to act out all my songs (Shake Your Body Down…Dance Kung Fu) with actions when I am doing the potty dance…people who say driving is an “immobile” activity have definitely not seen the way I drive when I am alone esp when bored…”get your feet out of your face” is probably a good indication of how stationary I am not. 🙂

…and I eventually made it home…and realized YAY!!!!!I found the pharmacists mutual card I was supposed to make sure I had for my rotation…and OH NO!! I also found the paper that says in all caps big print “DO NOT LOSE THIS MANUAL.” …Umm…well…I didn’t exactly *lose* my manual…I just…ya’know…kinda…left it in my apartment…hangs head in shame…this is the kind of time I wish that when I made a spare key for my apartment last summer that I’d done something with it besides put it on my key chain next to my original key…there are a lot of things I might forget at home or at school that I can definitely live without or are at least easily replaceable…but the intern manual is not one of them…I guess when I email the board to tell them that I need more blue forms and am also almost out of white forms I can add in: and I also probably need a new intern manual…and this, GirlyQ, is why you don’t save packing for the last minute…

I’m writing because I missed you so much…I won’t be satisfied with okay. I can’t be okay with alright.

(Dear My Closest Friend…Okay–Flyleaf)

I have high standards for myself…I am very much aware that I am not always able to live up to them, but my goal still persists to strive for perfection…Perfection is important in healthcare…what if I can pick the right therapy for a patient 99% of the time and the other 1% of the time I mess it up and kill the patient…I mean, that is a really high A right there, so I should get a bonus, right? Well, in reality, if I kill 1% of my patients, that could mean multiple patients every day depending on what area of pharmacy I am in, and it would likely lead to a loss of my license and some malpractice issues…In reality, I know I can only strive for MY best, and I am also very aware that many of the things that I am being tested on are not necessarily real world. In the real world there really is more than one right answer sometimes, because the thing about clinical judgment is that there isn’t truly one right answer (although there definitely are many wrong answers). In the real world there are many things that real life pharmacists look up if they need to know rather than memorizing. In the real world, even if it is something that you probably ought to know, if you do not know it, you have the ability to look it up and double check rather than having to make a guess and hope for the best…and in the real world there are always systems in place designed to catch errors before they cause harm…there was a really cool visual of this that I saw a few years ago…but anyway, even if I could get a 5% on the final and end up with an A (which would feel really good, but considering I don’t think I even got all A’s this semester is definitely not something I have experienced recently), I will still study for that exam, because “okay” isn’t really good enough…If I wouldn’t just not worry about what disease my last patient of the day has and just figure whatever drug name pops into my head first is going to be the solution to their problem, the doctors I work with are going to think I am an idiot, and I will not be employed very long, so why would it ever be okay to act that way towards an exam? These are REAL people’s lives that will be in my hands, and I think that requires some respect, because I want to be able to help people–not hurt them, and certainly not marginalize them.

…and now, all the things that get written all over my stuff when I tell myself NO BLOGGING for the week…but first a picture of me the night before my last final…

20150506_200810

It’s an apple core, not a toy. Please either finish eating the apple or throw it away and stop poking it with your pen. I don’t know why there are little white curly things on the inside, but I know doodling on them is not teaching you anything you need to know.

It should be a law to shower. I shouldn’t smell you coming. There is a kid who from Sunday until Thursday did not go home, did not change clothes, did not shower. He slept at school and as far as I am aware left only to go to the gas station to get food. By the Tuesday he smelled awful. It was disgusting.

I volunteered to die on my way to the last final and email my the people I was studying with about it because they said if I died they would automatically get an A because of the trauma…I didn’t die though…there wasn’t really a convenient way to do it seeing as how there isn’t really anything dangerous between the res hall and the exam…and also if I’d died before I got to the fourth floor I couldn’t have stopped to get a rice krispy treat, and once I was on the fourth floor I only had one more floor left to get to my final…

You know you’re tired when the chicken noodle soup goes in your lunchbox sideways on Wednesday. That was slightly messy…also, my lunchbox now smells kinda funky…also, I decided I didn’t really care…see Tuesday night I was exhausted, but I could not fall asleep…and about 20 minutes or so before the alarm went off I finally crashed…it was kind of funny, because I woke up with the comforter and sheets all in a ball under my arms and head…

On Monday someone told me that he thought he was distractible but then he met me…also we learned about mental disorders in three classes, and we diagnosed all of us that were studying together with depression and anxiety…and we determined that I was a combination of the two people next to me…distractible and inattentive like the one who asserted owning an ADHD label, and childlike and hyperactive like the other one…at this point in the week it still felt like a friendly joking comment so I rolled with it…especially since child-like is definitely something I have to agree with…

However, there is one thing that did kind of bother me a few hours before that…if I say that I am probably a bad friend, please do not agree with me…There are some things, even self-deprecating things, that I say that I am totally fine with you agreeing with, but that is not one of them…even if you are only jokingly agreeing with me, there is a time and a place for that, and finals week is probably not on the list of appropriate times…I say that I am a bad friend when I feel guilty because I can’t keep my stupid mouth shut so that people can concentrate, and I already feel really bad about myself when I say it, so I really don’t want you to tell me that I am a bad friend…at least I only meowed like a cat for a grand total of around 5 minutes tops the entire week while people were trying to study…and besides, I staked out my territory every morning, and you didn’t HAVE to join me…you chose to sit with me and invite all your friends, and my inner extrovert is thrilled that you did, but you could have picked any number of other open spaces to study and you chose to sit with me, so please don’t agree with me that I am a bad friend…Kthxbai

Also on Monday, I went on a scavenger hunt for food because I was so hungry so hungry. There were supposed ot be donuts at 7:30…I very patiently waited all the way until 8 before giving up and then wandered around looking for food…except that the teachers with food were at school late the night before for an event and so there weren’t at school yet either…luckily the donuts showed up around 9:30 and I was thrilled…

I am not good at finals, but I am good at making chicken noodle soup.

On Thursday the fire was turned on and I was sitting right in front of it…the words coming out of my mouth: “It is warm. I think I like it…OW…I do not like it.” (Don’t touch the part of the pretend fire where the heat comes out).

Oh, and how did I do with the whole not being on social media thing…well…I only posted one thing on facebook (to give notes to people), only liked one post on facebook, only friended one person on linkedin because linkedin kept emailing me to hurry up and accept it, and only emailed one blog post to one person, because it was just a picture and it was kind of related to one of our classes…considering the large number of blog posts currently saved on my internet to re-read later because I loved them, I obviously did not completely stay off the internet…I did also find a few new blogs that I thought I liked, but then decided I didn’t…but I definitely spent a lot less time on the internet than I usually do…so…partial success…I mean, yeah, I did give myself a 15 minute break on Sunday for internet time that turned into over an hour…

…and I took a break to read old documents instead and became engrossed in that for a while…

Don’t hold an open can of pop with your teeth…unless you like being wet and sticky…yeah, that happened…

Fear is good sometimes…Fear is what made me plan when I would fill my water bottle in an (often unsuccessful) attempt to avoid who I didn’t want to see…which meant the water bottle actually got drank from and filled instead of drinking a quart of water in the middle of the night and still being too thirsty to really sleep…see, a few weeks ago I was enough less afraid that I stopped planning and just figured I would intuitively drink whenever I wanted to and fill it when it was empty…great idea…except that when I became engrossed in other things I didn’t take a break to drink and would feel exhausted (probably dehydration) and go to bed…and not too long later be thirsty…

On the subject of drinking things…Dumbest idea of the week: since I’m coming up on one year anxiety free it totally made sense in my head to excessively drink water (as in a gallon in half an hour and still drinking) to remind myself how bad it felt to make sure I’d never go back, and to make sure I was really hydrated for finals…yeah…bad idea…besides just the time it takes to compulsively drink water, it is totally different to just be doing things than to have the fear on top of all that…and I definitely am smart enough to realize that it is not overly safe to drink that much water in that time period…but without the OCD telling me how to do it, I was smart enough to add in a little salt in my mouth to make it slightly safer…

Speaking of anxiety, it is SO incredibly amazing to have finals week with no anxiety and just stress…I mean, it doesn’t feel GOOD to feel stress either, but it is amazing…I used to not really have any idea what the difference could possibly be between stress and anxiety, but now I get it…I SO get it…and finals this semester and last semester were a totally different experience…as much as something as stressful as finals can be loved, I love it…

I wish I hadn’t picked my classes and labs based on which would most likely keep me from encounters…it is too late now to change things, but it was only like a week after I had to pick my classes that I stopped caring so much enough to wish that I had picked in order of what class times actually might be best…but whatevs…I’ll go to my classes, and I’ll do my best whenever they are, and at the end of the day I will be a pharmacist when I graduate…

Last week I took out my trash when it was light out and not raining…it is a lot less creepy doing it that way, but I think the trash cans smell worse in the daylight…

Oh, and on Sunday I learned why my mom always tells me not to crush cans with my hands…it kinda hurts when the can tears and then cuts your thumb…luckily thumbs heal quickly…Also, I ran out of goldfishies a week ago so instead I had a snack of sprite with orange spice and lemon tea and it was awesome!

Also, I know I am distractible—I sometimes stop writing in the middle of a word when I am copying my notes…but it doesn’t feel good to me when my friends tell me that as soon as finals are over I need to go to a doctor and get some help, and to constantly point out all the things I am doing that are “wrong” like climbing over a table instead of walking around, exploring the pretend fire, spending hours on the same sentence, getting distracted by shiny flashy objects, and being in general too loud…it feels like you are all ganging up on me…if you really think I have a problem I am very open to privately discussing it, but please don’t make it a group thing, and TBH, this is not a conversation I really want to have two hours before my last final…

…okay…and I should probs stop writing now because even though finals are over I still have a lot of things to get done today…