Category Archives: Day in the Life

I’ve tasted hopelessness. I know what heartache is…I’ve lived through brokenness…but all that matters is that I matter to you

(Colton Dixon – All That Matters)

 

It is super easy to see lots of problems in my life…but this evening I have also felt a lot of gratitude. People have reached out to me and made me feel like I mattered. Being around people is super helpful for me. I don’t necessarily need to talk, in fact sometimes I can’t talk, but presence is such a huge gift to me. Presence is so healing.

 

I can be annoyed that my car turned into like a sauna because my dress and other articles of clothing that couldn’t go in the dryer were laid out in the car…in addition to the moisture left over from Friday afternoon, or I can be thankful that I have clean laundry.

 

I can be frustrated that it was about to start raining again so I couldn’t air out my car long enough to really get the insane humidity to go away, or I can be thankful I recognized in time that the rain was about to come down really hard and got the doors closed and myself inside before I was soaked.

 

I can berate myself for not having the ability to ask anyone if I can sit with them this evening, or I can be thankful that the majority of the time now that isn’t a problem and recognize that once there are fewer things adding to my overwhelm, I will probably quickly regain consistency in that skill.

 

I can be disappointed in myself that I almost cried in church in front of people, or I can be super grateful that I pushed it away before it happened…even if it was probably noticeable to the people I was talking with that I was a lot less okay than my words said I was.

 

I can be annoyed that it is raining while I am trying to move in, or I can be thankful for the fact that a cart was available that allowed me to get all my stuff to my room in only a couple quick trips which meant I ended up a lot less soaked than when I got home yesterday…yesterday’s shoes have had plenty of paper towels in them and still are soaked and now that I packed them in a plastic bag in my car all day kinda stink…

 

I can be frustrated that being the first person to move into my room means there is no one to help me raise the height of my bed before putting the sheets on and no one to talk me down when I am getting really frustrated because bed-making is not one of my skills, or I can be happy that I get to pick which bed I want and that at least for this first night I’ll get to use my music to fall asleep and can sleep with the light on if I want to…lol…apparently the outlets in this room aren’t shaped right for my nightlight. It does work on battery, but it seems easier to just leave the lights on and call it a day…Probably I should unpack…but I think Imma just go to bed and do that tomorrow…and I gotta do more applying…and try to figure out how to back up my computer…

 

Good lyrics of the day:

I should follow the word but I guess I’d rather be murdered. Excuse me I mean martyred ’cause I’m killin’ myself. My sin conceived a baby, and we gon’ name her death. Breath taken. She takes my breath away. Replaces it with poison. (Killa – Lecrae)

Hold on tight a little longer

(Hard Life – NEEDTOBREATHE)

I feel like I’ve been holding on forever. I was holding on for graduation and then graduation lost most of its thrill when my dreams died. The light at the end of the tunnel burned out and there wasn’t even a train to replace it and keep me company in the darkness of the empty tunnel. No one wants me and no one will. Now I’m holding on just trying to find my way through the pain that tries to drown me every day. It’s hard. I wake up every day having to face another day of failure. I am not enough. I will never be enough. I can’t. It hurts.

I can’t do anything right.

I keep getting emails about the pharmacy weight loss challenge. It rubs salt in the wounds. They are the reason I already lost too much weight because they didn’t want me. I am trying so hard to gain weight, not lose it, and I am failing at it. Yesterday I freaked out because I hadn’t gained any weight since Saturday…in fact I’d lost half a pound. Fail. So I did what any person with only about half a brain functioning secondary to emotional pain; I continued with my general plan except I also had about 40 chicken nuggets and filled my cup three times with lemonade for lunch. My stomach hurt so good after eating all that. But it didn’t do anything. I weighed the same this morning as I did yesterday. I think this is why the experts say that you shouldn’t weigh yourself more than once a week. Fail. I can’t do anything right.

I always fail. Yesterday I cried in front of people again. Fail. Why can’t I stay numb at the right times? Fail.

I can’t parallel park to save my life. I tried really hard this morning and gave up. Then I almost forgot where I was going and figuring it out any more minutes later probably would have ended me up at church wondering why I was there. Not that I wouldn’t far prefer to be there rather than school, but that’s not where I was supposed to be.

Where am I supposed to be? No one wants me. I just want to be alone…well, alone but with friends. And I can’t. I haven’t ever lived in a shared space except in a hotel, and it always leads to high stress levels…and now I’ve been assigned to a group of three in one room with three more people sharing the adjoining room…definitely no space to be alone in a room full of people I barely know. I do at least recognize the names of the people I am with though…so at least I’m not living with strangers. I also don’t know how long I can live there. I hate change and I hate unknowns.

There’s this song I like called all you do is whine. Some lyrics are “All you do is whine, no matter what. It’s your bedtime lights out doors shut…we’ll do it again you’re up. You don’t stay down…you’re up down up down.” Except I’ve been doing it “All you do is fail, no matter what.” It feels a lot more true that way. I can’t I can’t I can’t. When does this end?

I have done my best but still I miss the mark

(unedited as being in survival mode for over a month now means minimal time for non-necessities and I already wasted too much time writing the post in the first place)

(Come Rest – Lindsey McCaul)

That lyric pretty much sums up how I feel about life. I do my best but all I do is fail.

I attended resident prep series classes.

I read two books about getting residencies.

I read the residency prep workbook.

I went to midyear.

I attended the residency showcase.

I applied to an insane number of jobs with well-researched personalized letters of intent.

I prepared for and completed a zillion interviews.

And I didn’t get a residency.

I did all the applying and interviewing stuff again.

And I didn’t get a residency.

I tried again.

I still don’t have a residency.

I try to force feed myself every day, but until this week my weight just kept dropping. I couldn’t keep up with the calories I was burning.

Now I’m eating but the things I am best at eating are skittles, cake, goldfish crackers, noodles, cookies, donuts…and so I continue to supplement with at least two multivitamins every day. On the positive side, I now rock at swallowing meds (at least the ones the size of the multivitamin anyway), but it doesn’t feel like enough. Sure, today’s lunch (which was 90% of yesterday’s lunch) had a reasonable number of calories and hit the fruit/veg and carbohydrate groups, and building off a breakfast with protein counted in my books as a real meal, I am already overwhelmed thinking about my next meals. Eating isn’t as big of a challenge as it was, but it definitely isn’t easy. If I had the funds to have someone assigned to ordering me dominos every day I think I could do it, but remember how this girl doesn’t have a job…yeah…daily pizza isn’t practical. Besides, where do you go to hire someone to order you daily pizza? The process of ordering and obtaining pizza is way too overwhelming at this point for me to be able to do that myself…it might not even have to be pizza…basically anything that is finger food is the most likely to be consumed if there isn’t a social factor to eating.

And you know how I don’t have a job? Well, that means I should probably apply for a job, right? Yeah, easier said than done. Every time I try the pain intensifies and I decide to do it later. I finally had to give in Sunday morning and just do it. It is currently past 5pm. The sleeves of my Despicable Me t-shirt are soaked in tears. I have one application submitted. TBH, the only option that sounds good at this point is death. It doesn’t seem like there is any way to fix this situation and make it okay. And that is another failure. I am not supposed to want to be dead. Clarification to keep me out of trouble: I have no intention of doing anything to end my life. I want to be dead, but I don’t want to kill myself. That would just mess more things up. I can’t do anything right. But I do like that real job applications don’t cost $40 each plus $150 for the privilege of applying at all…

And I’m pretty much the worst friend ever even though my best friend says that’s not true.

I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer…so let’s see, on the positive side, I think I am going to get an A on this rotation. Pretty sure it is basically a gift, because it sounds like my preceptor read my self-evaluations where I was honest about how I know my work kinda isn’t so good given the lack of sleep and other situations surrounding this rotation…but at least that is one less thing to worry about. Now if only there were some way to get breaks inserted into my day without seeming ungrateful or lazy or something…’cause I almost peed my pants on Friday because I had to be ready for my first thing by 7:30am and didn’t get any opportunities for even a 5 minute breather until like 2pm. Also positive: I did get to leave by 5pm on Friday which was awesome because I was starting to get frustrated with my work and the stuff I was doing is stuff that can only be done at school and there is no defined amount I have to get done so the time I leave does not impact my work load.

There’s a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes

(You are More – Tenth Avenue North)

 

To put words to how exhausted I am, I fell asleep in my car today. Before you freak out, you should know that I was still parked in the parking lot of the grocery store near church. I made it through two services of being a smiley welcoming face and I was exhausted. I didn’t necessarily mean to fall asleep…but sleep was definitely something my body really needs at this point.

 

My stats keep spiking…I want to believe it means I am writing awesome stuff. I’m not sure if the nagging voice at the back of my head is the negativity of grief speaking or if it is the voice of truth that the extra views are not really new people reached but rather the people I would rather keep out coming back. After a week without my journal ’cause it was forgotten at church, I have lots of words to write though, so I don’t really care right now who’s out there.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am a bad influence on other people…so I was a peer mentor last year. Although I had previously considered being a mentor because it does align well with my interests, I held off because of the things happening on campus that would make it difficult for me to fulfill the requirements without going home every day feeling like a liar. Last year I said yes because I was asked to mentor a specific person who I already knew really needed help and didn’t know if this student had already been told that I might be asked to be the mentor.

 

A couple weeks ago my mentee wanted career advice…yep…from me, the really negative girl without a job right now. I may have accidentally given a larger dose of reality than I intended. Because, yeah, it is true that a job is a big commitment, but I may have been a little too forward in the way I said it.

 

Also, so there is measles confirmed at a hospital…and there is a lot of communication about infection prevention when these kinds of things happen…and sometimes, especially when I am already stressed out and sleep deprived, those kind of things bother me even though I know I am not directly affected. First I am worried about it. Second I am angry at the people who carelessly didn’t bother to get vaccinated. Third I am sad for the people who are now in danger through no fault of their own.

 

Going to Good Friday service was completely unplanned. I really only intended to go to church and sit there until I finished lunch. Except I figured I was there so I should go to the service…so I did. It was really hard to be there because for one thing, it is somewhere that I have to make sure no one sees how much pain I am in, and for the other thing, it was a huge reminder of what doesn’t feel fair. Christ suffered, but then he got to die. I had to wake up alive every day for the past four weeks. My friend checked in with me to see if I was doing okay…umm…yeah…I’m always okay, especially when I’m not. When I left I was definitely not yet ready to leave. First I needed to sit down and cry it out. Then I needed to finish lunch. I walked around the block and by the time I made it around at almost 9pm I finally finished lunch and could go home. There was a success. When I got home I managed to get something in my mouth for dinner. So I guess it was still a very successful day.

 

Everything is hard. Yesterday when I went to bed my eyes were scary bright red from wiping away so many tears. Eating and drinking is hard. I’m so exhausted. So I needed to get my laundry done. My sheets needed to be washed because I was going to wash them two weeks ago but the dryer was broken and I didn’t have time to let them air dry Saturday night and it wasn’t my turn to use the washer on Sunday. Then last week I was going to wash them but right around the time it was my turn to use the washer and dryer my friend asked if I wanted to go to this awesome conference with her and umm like definitely I am not going to say no to that. So my sheets didn’t get washed again. So that left it to this weekend. And since next weekend my friends want me to be flexible in times so that we can hang out easier I really needed to wash all my clothes too so that I didn’t end up having to choose between my friends and clean clothes. I got it all done except putting it away. The lint was kinda exciting…bright sparkly red from my new dress :). Sometimes getting through life means putting on the back up pajamas and throwing the entire basket of clothes in the washer without sorting. I borrowed a scale this morning and found that I have lost the amount I learned in school should be lost over the course of at minimum six months all in the course of the past 4 weeks, but I am remaining hopeful that if I can keep fighting I can stabilize and maybe gain some of it back. I would be okay with keeping some of it off, but not all of it. My pants barely buttoned back in December and now they barely stay up. But it is going to be okay.

 

I am proud of myself and thankful. Today I finished both breakfast and lunch by 12. They may not have been perfect meals, but they were close enough. And I managed to eat something at church for dinner. Sure, a bread, a couple juices, a slice of salami, and a donut may not be the most ideal dinner, but if I was willing to get it in my mouth it was going to need to be good enough. I hadn’t had anything to drink since the little bit of juice I had with breakfast and I was going to fall over if I didn’t get something liquid in my mouth. Once you factor in juice calories I probably didn’t do too bad for dinner. To be fair, the options for dinner were such that I would have had to have been brave to have a really balanced meal even if I weren’t already struggling to just eat something. Almost everything had some aspect of fear food: sauces, cream cheese, unidentified food substances. Should I have tried harder…umm…yeah…probably…but sometimes you just need to admit that this is YOUR best right now. I am choosing to be proud. I am also proud because although I am totally beat, I made it the entire two services without crying or showing (much) how hard of a time I was having. On the way back to my car the tears started, but I was even able to respond to questions about post-graduation plans and pretend that it was hilarious and totally okay to not have a job or any prospects. But now I am exhausted and ready to just crash. I can’t keep living this way. I wish it was considered socially acceptable to not be a smiley face as a greeter. I want hugs and help. I’m so tired. I can’t pretend forever. Does this ever get easier?

And it burns like third degree

(Switchfoot – I won’t let you go)

God is good. He isn’t good because I have incredible friends, nor would he be not good if I had no friends. He wasn’t not good when I was denied the job I had been working towards for as long as I can remember. No, God is not good because of my life circumstances, but the persistence of my awesome friends loving on me allowed me to once again acknowledge the goodness of my God. I am still grieving my loss (although the DSM IV says I should have been done 8 days ago), but I finally have been able to acknowledge that God cares even though right now it hurts so much. I still can’t hold on to hope because the tiny glimmers are vanish before they even really become real, but now I can recognize how God helped me through it so far. God gave me a best friend who didn’t get upset when I yelled at her via text about how God doesn’t care and she even invited me into the craziness of her life and continued to be my primary support while I was drowning and she certainly had more important things to do. God gave me a manager who was understanding and accommodating and coworkers who understood at least enough of what I was going through to not make me take my whole breaks or even tease me about it…and that is huge, because I used to constantly be in trouble about not taking my breaks, because my choices were either take them or cancel them, but I wasn’t taking my breaks or cancelling them…I was just working. And I had people at church who loved on me when I was falling apart…and one who invited me in without even knowing what was going on…and I (kinda mostly sorta) started eating and drinking and sleeping again…so yeah, I don’t a job. I don’t have my dream job, but I know God is still here even when I am laying on a futon in an office crying my little heart out before I put on pajamas and go to bed. I might continue to be sad, but it is okay to be sad. It isn’t wrong or bad. It just is.

Damaged people know they can survive…also, because I am pretty much the most terrible liar in the whole world…I can’t help but admit on my completely unrestricted blog that I told a half truth today…which yes I do recognize is the same thing as telling a whole lie…so to set the premise for this confession, when I was a second year, someone asked me how I would kill myself if I wanted to do it…I had absolutely no idea. My guess would be that the intent of the question was to judge my safety before allowing me to start setting my own rules because this person thought I shouldn’t set rules because I would set myself up for failure and be so frustrated with myself that perhaps I’d do something I shouldn’t. In reality, I desperately needed SOMEONE to set rules for me and if she wasn’t going to do it I was going to set my own rules. I needed structure; I created structure. It worked extremely well for me and brought me a lot more progress than talking (okay fine, writing and miming) about my fear was ever going to do. So anyway, back to the point, I had no idea and didn’t have the insight at the time to understand why I was being asked, so I figured I should probably figure out how I would kill myself if I wanted to do it. So yes, I do have a plan, despite the fact that I denied it today. But the intent of today’s question I KNOW was to assess safety, and there is a huge difference between knowing how you would do it if you were going to and having any intention at all of actually doing it…not to mention that I am way too exhausted these days to have the executive function to actually carry out any kind of plan even if I did want to. But it WAS still a half truth…the question was technically phrased do you have a plan you were thinking about…and that thinking about part is where I made it a half truth…’cause at this point it is hard to call anything I am doing thinking…mind rambles might be moderately descriptive…or maybe neurons firing almost randomly to create an approximation of a bubbly life while joy is lost…but I mean, thoughts are kinda stretching it…

When I can’t turn back around

I thought maybe I should stop being such a negative Nancy and I also found this post in the drafts on my blog, so I figured I’d hit publish…IDK why I never hit publish before since I usually never leave anything in drafts and it is from some time in October or November…I didn’t proofread past the first couple sentences, so hopefully it is not wildly inappropriate…

(Love Never Fails–Brandon Heath)

So I was looking through the pictures on my phone for one specific picture…that I seem to have deleted (which is probably good because I looked drunk even though I was just tired). Honest confession, I don’t exactly know what drunk looked like…but studies have shown that lacking sleep is equivalent neurologically of being drunk and I know what tired looks and feels like. Funny story, so we are all sitting at a table eating (or in my case not eating because I’m picky). The girl next to me is halfway through her second bottle of beer. The girl next to her has just taken her first sip of beer. The little boy at the end of the table asks that second girl if she is drunk. I think it might have been that same boy who asked another girl if he could go see her hotel room…but I wasn’t there for that one so IDK.

Anyway, so I didn’t find the picture I was looking for, but I did find this one.

interviewing

I put some answers on the board to practice eye contact…and yep, that is a stick person saying that she is an interviewer…baby steps people, baby steps. See, I was terrified of failing the interview because a certain someone who will remain unnamed told me first year that there was no reason for me to even be at school because I was just going to fail the interview anyway. As it turns out, as long as you show up you pass the interview (and I am awesome at showing up. That is one of my strengths). I didn’t know that at the time though, so I freaked out. I wrote out answers to all the questions and a counselor corrected my work. I didn’t necessarily agree with her corrections but I knew my social skills were not the greatest and figured it was better than nothing, so I memorized those corrected answers to the questions. My way of learning to speak in front of people was to first learn it inside my head, then learn it aloud by myself curled up. Then by myself as if I were talking to someone, then with a stick person, then a picture of a close friend then maybe another friend, eventually a stranger or two, then finally a few people that I care about but didn’t speak with much, and finally the people I would be speaking to, if possible, and if not whatever I could find that was a close approximation. It was definitely a process.

While I certainly do not look forward to interviewing, I am really glad that it is not the process it once was. As it turned out, that list of questions they handed out was not what the interviewers actually asked me…which means that I know that I can survive an interview without knowing the questions and answers in advance. I also have moderately improved social skills now that allow me to more easily come up with words when necessary. I am afraid though that my social communication skills will disqualify me for the position I desire. Sure, my new friend thinks I am doing fine, but every other APPE preceptor has let me know that while my pharmacy skills are great, my social communication skills need some work. I try really hard, but I know my best often isn’t good enough. I pour myself into learning these skills and still feel like I am light-years behind my peers. Someone asked what I wanted for a party next week and I almost said out loud that I’d rather just not have a party. Once in a while I am excited by a party, but for the most part, the party atmosphere tends to be outside of my comfort zone. I drove ten miles to the hotel and ten miles back a few times a week not for the free food–I had all the food I needed without paying for gas in my room–but for the social learning it allowed. The more I observed and practiced in a more challenging environment the easier similar situations in the break room become…plus there was the ability to get a little extra social time in, but non-stressful social time was kind of hit or miss, and I wouldn’t have gone for that alone either.

So yeah. I am nervous about finding a residency for next year, but I am mostly thrilled with the progress I have made since second year. Oh, and to that person “I told you so” lol…everyone needs a good I told you so…(Also, I don’t think that person was being intentionally hurtful. I think she has an abrasive personality and was probably having a rough day before she had to talk to a very quiet first year and just didn’t think about what she was saying before she said it. She probably also didn’t understand that you can’t scare anxiety out of someone. Adding extra fear made me less, not more, likely to use my words.

You cried in private and you tried to hide it so no one knows no one can see

(Oh my Soul – Casting Crowns)

The primary tool in my emotional toolbox is putting on a mask and pretending to be fine. Hiding the pain away from everyone, even myself. It is exhausting at first, but becomes second nature eventually to the point that until something triggers a flashback or a memory even I start to believe I am okay. I know that is likely how sometimes things take me a lot longer to “get over” than perhaps they “should.” If I knew a better way I would use it, but to me, success in coping seems to be primarily defined as having such extended periods without the mask slipping too far that I almost forget I am wearing it. That being said, I think things are improving, if only a teeny tiny bit. It is hard to say whether the improvement is just getting a better fit from my mask or true improvement, but Wednesday morning there was an itty bitty teeny tiny glimmer of hope. It went away as fast as it appeared, but it was there. That was huge!! For even a moment of this not being so acutely painful, I am truly grateful. I have been holding on with everything I had just to perform the minimum necessary life sustaining actions, and it is exhausting…not to mention the energy required to continue to be a full time student, continue to look for a job, continue to at least give lip service to studying for the licensing exams…I try so hard every day, and at the end of the day continue to feel so discouraged when I look back and can so easily see all the ways I have failed.

I am trying so hard, but it feels like the harder I try the more frustrated I am by my failure. I am overwhelmed. Over spring break just taking care of myself was almost a full time job, but now I have to take care of myself on top of taking care of actual real-life responsibilities. On the positive side, family dinner especially with the kids has really helped to get more food in my body as I have a little bit of distraction, a little needing to please other people, and a little of trying to set a good example. Also, it might just be that the sleep deprivation got to a point where I was going to sleep no matter what, but the night time awakenings have decreased…and TBH, even at baseline I woke up ONCE every night thirsty, so really they don’t need to go to zero, they just need to not be waking up primarily to cry.

I am not going to blame my poor presentation skills in a particular interview on not drinking or eating much of anything prior to the interview, because in reality the problem was more that I hadn’t practiced in a month or even reviewed the presentation very well and the presentation screen was like directly above and behind my head…I still feel like no one is going to want me…If the people who actually know me don’t want me then it seems even reckless to think that anyone else will. I’m still trying, but I feel so hopeless and out of control. I just want some reason why they didn’t want me, something I could change and make them find some way to reconsider and give me the job I have been working towards for years.

This post was started on Thursday morning…and, excitingly, there has been improvement since then!! As of Thursday afternoon, I’ve finally gone back to using food as an entertainment strategy…while I know that is not technically an appropriate use of food, it is what I was doing at baseline, and is a huge improvement over the fight that it had been to just get something in my mouth at meal times. I will admit that until Friday morning, breakfast had been somewhere between one and four cheerios each day. Most of the lunches and dinners were a little more normal, but my opinion was that breakfast is always the smallest meal of the day for me anyway, so as long as something was going in my mouth most days I felt my effort was better spent on lunch and dinner…It is so wonderful to be able to eat and drink again. It helps so much and takes so much pressure off of me to have that off of my plate. It is especially good because my ability to estimate calories is lousy…apparently inside my head, 16 ounces of sprite is an equivalent number of calories to a big peanut butter and jelly sandwich…it was a useful substitution on Tuesday because it got both calories and fluids into my body at the same time, but in retrospect, the calorie count was not ideal…

Despite eating getting easier, emotionally I still am definitely struggling. I now have enough control that I haven’t cried in front of people the past few days, but it is still acutely painful throughout the day, and I still cry in private. It is frustrating. I hope someday I will look back and be able to say ‘yeah, that was awful, but you made it’ but right now I don’t want to make it. I still agree with Jonah that even death would be better than this. If it were my choice, I wouldn’t be alive…although I suppose if it were my choice this never would have happened because I would have chosen death a long time ago…or maybe just a few years ago because before then I was too concerned with how it would affect others to be able to really do anything for myself. Lol, yeah, I remember my list of goals first year that included acknowledge that I have opinions as one of my goals…the goals were listed in an order such that one built on the next, and I think if I remember correctly that actually even expressing in any way that I had an opinion was like number six or seven…

I had an interview today (Friday), and on the subject of opinions, mine is that I really didn’t like it and would prefer to just work casual and try to figure out how to make ends meet without a real job…but I know that in reality that would just be shooting my professional career in the foot because I know I need a residency, and to have a chance at that I need to do it now…besides the fact that I am way too invested at this point to just give up and not at least try to get a residency even if it is one that I don’t like and maybe even hate…I don’t actually think they are going to want me, especially since the residency manual they had me read gives ranking criteria on how they select residents, and it seems from those criteria that I probably will end up on the do not rank list unless there is someone there who wants me enough to try to rescue me from that list despite my meeting the do not rank criteria…I mean, there was one person who commented that on paper I was a very impressive candidate from my school…but IDK if he was so impressed with me by the end of the interview when I had made it pretty obvious I had no idea what I was talking about…to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have been so opposed to them if it hadn’t been for the drive there, because there are only two programs out of the many programs I have applied at this point that I walked away hoping not to match at and both were ones that I had to drive through toll roads to get to…so to be fair it might just be that toll roads stress me out…and to get there from my real home I wouldn’t have had to use toll roads, so they might not be so bad…plus the bathrooms at this hospital were disgusting.

My right hand is kinda whiney. It is jealous of left hand because right hand is really sore. I’ve probably had over 40 hours of driving this week and have been to the gas station at least once every day except Sunday with some days having multiple trips…and my gas light will probably come on in about 2 more miles…Right hand has to drive a lot more of those miles than left hand, because left hand is a lot better at holding directions. Also left hand is usually sandwich holding hand as well…and left hand’s thumb has been sore from trying to get the computer to recognize my fingerprints on my community rotation, so that was another good excuse for left hand to not take as many turns…Maybe right hand is kind of like how I feel about myself. I feel inadequate because it seems like no matter how hard I try I’ll never be good enough and because I am not good enough I feel more inadequate and the cycle continues…sometimes maybe it is time to recognize that I’m not made to be good at some things…just like in the English language we write from left to right and therefore right hand’s thumb will never be on the correct side to keep track of where we are on directions, I might not have been made for comfortable formal communication skills…maybe one day it will get easier, but I suspect that this is just who I am…

Also, I wanted to put a picture here…but you have to imagine it because I was 1.6 miles away from where it would be legal to take a picture because there are some states that apparently think that fully grown adults can’t understand how to press buttons without taking their eyes off the road while at a complete stop…dude, I can totally take a picture without looking at my phone…if you wanna ban something, ban changing clothes in the car…that is something that does take my eyes off the road momentarily while my shirt is going over my head…anyways, so the picture is of a tangle of roadways at a complete stop for as far as I could see…also, a few miles after that, the person in front of me decided to come to a complete stop in the freeway for no reason to decide whether or not to get off at the exit…I totally understand slowing down to decide, especially if it is an exit that might be confusing, but if you can see clearly from the freeway that it is a quick off and on and you’re not sure then just take the exit and get back on immediately if you were wrong. It is annoying and disrespectful of the people behind you to come to a complete stop…not to mention not legal or safe either…

 

Will you catch every tear or will you just leave me here?

(I have this hope – tenth avenue north)

The title of the song isn’t very true for me right now. I am surviving, but just barely clinging to the edge.

Friday I wanted water for the first time in a week and I was working on catching up on calories as best as I could when food still didn’t sound good. I had my second ever performance review. It was very positive and this time the focus was on how awesome I was doing rather than on here is a pile of forms to sign and I’m really sorry but I tried to give you a raise and instead had to fight to let your pay only decrease a little because they audited and found out you cancelled your tech license…not that I didn’t like my first review, but that time coming from a really frustrating appointment, while I was glad to get to sit down with my manager because she was (is) awesome, I just wanted to get it over with…this time I really needed SOMETHING positive. Thankfully even though I had a new manager I wasn’t asked about my career path plans…we kinda all already know that what I want and what is going to happen are impossible to reconcile and that I have no idea what I am doing right now. So, all that to say that Friday was definitely still challenging, but there was a tiny bit of hope that maybe things get better.

Saturday was not so good. So, umm, I pretty much failed. Okay, so I shouldn’t say that. I did keep my car on the road all day without running into other big iron things or getting lost, but in terms of eating and drinking I definitely didn’t meet the arbitrary rules that I set for myself. I told myself that I could go to church but I couldn’t serve unless I’d eaten a reasonable amount and had at least 1 cup of water. Well, this girl decided she needed something positive in life and decided to serve anyway. I justified that I had eaten a bag of apple slices. Yeah, since getting up before 4:30am until getting ready to serve around 4:30pm my intake consisted of MAYBE 2 ounces of water and a bag of apple slices. I mean, at like 11:30 that night I’d had around a cup of water so if you count that into the daily intake even though it technically belongs to the previous day then I met the water requirement.

A friend invited me to come to an event. I decided I might as well go because I figured maybe a distraction would be enough to get SOMETHING in my mouth whether it was a little water or some food or even just a flavorRx sucker. I am so thankful for that. I was an awful conversational partner and definitely acting clingy, but God knew what he was doing. I think. I don’t know. It is hard right now to believe God cares about anything about me. Anyway, at first I was overwhelmed being in a room of strangers and not feeling very social, and it took a while, but eventually I finally found enough motivation to eat a piece of pizza and an oreo and to have some juice. I can’t deny that was a God-thing. Anything else being served I would have probably continued to refuse, but Domino’s pizza is one of my favorite foods and it took an hour or maybe more, but I finally ate. And I’m guessing that was probably not that much lower in calorie count than the peanut butter and jelly corn tortilla sandwich I was originally going to force feed myself. And it was really good to be surrounded by people and laughing. I might still not be sleeping well and struggling to eat and drink appropriately, but at least there are tiny positive mixed in to the overall negative.

The light at the end of the tunnel may have burnt out, but it feels like it was smashed and God is laughing at my pain. If my tangible lightbulb changing skills in the past at my apartment are any indication, it’s going to be really challenging and I might need some help, but once it is done I will realize it could have been a lot easier. I have to hope that metaphorical lightbulbs are enough similar to physical lightbulbs. But hope is hard.

Where many a dream has died…we were made to die

(Casting Crowns – Thrive)

Looking at the title of this song, I am pretty sure that I’ve had the lyrics wrong…We were made to thrive is a lot more positive and makes a lot more sense in a Christian song, but TBH, we were made to die is technically also true…and is a truth I am living right now. I am very much aware the only thing that lasts forever is heaven so I really only have to keep holding on second to second, hour by hour, day by day until I get to go to my forever home. None of this is forever.

Basically, this post is the same as my last post, only written when calm enough the sentences and paragraphs might actually make sense and the content is moderately more appropriate. I recognize this still is probably moderately inappropriate, but it is far better than the last post which I was smart enough to password protect due to a few sentences that were wildly inappropriate. (Of course, wildly inappropriate in my world which might very well mean barely scratching the surface of the realm of you might want to rethink that sentence in the outside world).

What do you do when your dreams have died?

It feels like sadness. It feels like betrayal. It feels like disappointment. It feels like frustration. It feels like overwhelm. It feels like I should stop this paragraph before I say something I will regret.

I only ever imagined myself in one particular position. I graduate in May and so I applied to nine positions. I didn’t get any of those positions. I think if I had gotten almost any of those positions I would have been very happy with it. Now that I didn’t get any position, not to mention that one position, it seems like that is the only position that would make me happy and put me in the correct trajectory. I am not a quitter so I am trying again even though I told myself before that if I didn’t match I was going to get a job at Caribou, but I feel like all I am doing is spending a lot of money and time to put myself through a hard position I don’t even want. I wish I were in a different career where at least if you are having to go through the second phase all the application fees are waived…I know one exists because I was on the wrong website one day…

Caribou seems like a good fit. It is a good way to increase my conversational skills and confidence – the areas that I think are probably what kept me from obtaining a position even though no one seems to want to tell me that despite the fact that I made it very clear that my preferred learning style is to have lots of frequent specific feedback. Plus, I tried and failed. Maybe I should listen to what people have been trying to tell me and take a year to re-evaluate whether I should really be a pharmacist…although that is not to say that I don’t recognize that my plan B of social work probably isn’t a career that fits my skillset much better. And I am very much aware that everyone would probably be right in telling my I was throwing away my skills if I worked at Caribou long term.

It seems like I have very few long term goals, but the ones I do get crushed.

  • Graduation and my (old) church
  • My college choice (didn’t crush me emotionally though until problems started cropping up)
  • My college classes (I probably would have made the same choice either way, but I don’t appreciate being lied to as a persuasive technique)
  • Becoming an RA (or not)
  • Loving my abuser into not hurting me or anyone else (I will admit this one was a Very Stupid Dream and one that I should have realized wasn’t even a good idea)
  • Being a straight-A student
  • Residency at a particular institution

Like some people said on a TV show I was watching: A: I want what they have. B: What is that? A: They are happy. (pause) B: Are we not the losing team? A/B: Yes we are the losing team!! A/B: Are we not the losing team? A/B: Yes we are the losing team!!

I want to be happy. I saw a big sign that said Take the time to stop and smell the dead grass. I’m not quite sure what the intent was, but I decided it means it is okay to take a break and cry…but I don’t want to. I just want to be happy…but it’s hard when everything my life is built around is out of reach. It’s hard when I am faced with daily reminders of what I can’t have. Pretty sure the only long sleeves I’ve worn in the past year and a half were my winter coat, white coat, and the sweatshirt jacket with the logo of my dream job. The only t-shirts I’ve worn in months are the ones with the logo of my dream job. I own like four badge reels and all have the logo of my dream job. I go to work at the location of my dream job. I make and receive calls from people in the position I wanted that might have been involved in not wanting me. Ninety five percent of my friends in the state I call home are my friends at the location of my dream job.

Before anything happened I knew this week would be hard because next week I have to go back to the physical building of school…now I barely care about that…small blessings? I mean at least if I am already crushed it’ll be hard to crush me further.

Totally unrelated, but I bet you didn’t know they sold 16.9 ounce water bottles in purse size…well, I suppose it wasn’t sold that way, but it was in my hand when I was driving home and then I looked down and it was in my purse…wadded up. We’re not going to talk about driving right now. After totally missing my exit on the way home from work on Sunday, I am now driving with GPS. I saw an accident yesterday and was very glad it wasn’t me…and luckily a very nice pickup truck driver stopped to let me in his lane so I didn’t make a bad choice and turn into a neighborhood where I was going to be completely lost…and potentially go down the rabbit trail of wondering if one of the houses I was passing was the one that I had picked out on Craigslist as my future residence (as a room rental…I certainly don’t need an entire house when I was perfectly happy in 305 square feet).

If the world would stop spinning, would you even notice if I wasn’t there?

(candycoatedwaterdrops – plumb)

I am stressed out.

I know I am not supposed to share any part of my rank list…but…let’s just say that somewhere I have wanted to be a resident forever is one of the two places I am interviewing tomorrow during snowmageddon.

How do you interview when you not only know, but have trained, been precepted by, or both almost all of the people interviewing you? Like 99% of the things I have managed to come up with something to say about besides I don’t know in my other interviews doesn’t exactly work when it’s all things that happened with the person interviewing me…(have I mentioned I am lousy at interviewing and even though I am more than halfway done am still answering most questions with umm I don’t know?)…

The upstairs people know and love me…they are the ones who tell me they don’t want me to ever leave and who appreciatively text me over what I see as just doing my job…but the downstairs people are the ones interviewing me…One of the other people who wants the same position as me is a downstairs person who is known and loved…for that matter, the rest of the external candidates (and any other internal candidates I don’t know about) are also possibly tough competition, because I am lousy at this whole interviewing thing. Sure, on paper I am a great person, but they aren’t hiring a paper, they are hiring a person, and in person it takes some time for me and someone else to calibrate so that they understand me and I am comfortable with them. I don’t know if they are going to want me, and if the people who already know me don’t want me then how much less are the people who met me for only a day going to want me?…and since I want pediatrics, chances are I won’t get it if I don’t match in the first round, because that is extremely competitive…

At rotation today when I wasn’t driving all over the suburbs (thank God for the google maps app on my phone…) picking up drugs we needed I was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to enter and fill and make phone calls all at once while everyone yelled at me about things that needed to get done. Y’all, I am ONE person and am not even supposed to be spending much time in any of the work queue’s, much less three or four of them at once or driving around the area. I might be able to work at the speed of multiple people in certain situations, but there is a limit on what I am capable of, and talking to one person while listening to two others and counting is not something I can do…I’m not ignoring you or lollygagging, I am working on the 20 other people waiting.

And supposedly I am writing a paper right now…a paper that is due by Monday…that was assigned two weeks ago…that I started yesterday…and by started I mean I saved a couple links to articles in my browser…which means there is no way I will actually have the articles I need in time to actually write the paper in time…not to mention with an interview tomorrow and another on Monday I don’t exactly have all the time in the world to spend time on this paper anyway…

Not to mention all the other things that need my attention and need it now…

Also, I got an article in my inbox a couple days ago about the abysmal pass rates of the NAPLEX (licensing exam) recently…yeah, guess who has mostly only given lip service to studying…and then there are the MPJE (law) exams for each state I need a license in…and hoping the MN board doesn’t complain too much about my lack of following directions on hours forms…

Can I please have like 5 clones of myself?