My Happy Journal

So in a book I was reading, a 10 or 12 year old girl who had been badly neglected shared that to get through the hard time at home she looked for one good thing every day, like getting chips in her lunch even if it was something tiny like the grass being a nice shade of green on the way home from school. (It might not have been a true book…)

People naturally focus on the negative because it helps us protect ourselves, but maybe if I can find and remember the positives maybe it will help take my mind away from the negative. There has been a lot of hard stuff in my life. The positives don’t make it okay, but maybe they’ll make it less painful. I’m willing to try almost anything for the pain to go away. Especially because this week has felt like a setback. I know that recovery isn’t linear, and I know that working really hard on exposure is obviously going to make things a little harder temporarily, but that truth doesn’t always marinade my heart. I haven’t cried in front of people, and I only cried on one of my breaks at work, but I’m so tired of trying to stop the tears. I don’t want to get to work and first thing go into the bathroom to try to hide the wet spots on my shirt and the tear stains on my glasses that show I’ve been crying. And I’m tired. I’m back to going to bed on time or early but being not being asleep for nearly enough of the night. When you’ve seen pretty much every hour on the clock all night, it makes for very long days.

6/6: I saw two really big turtles outside.

6/7: I found a really awesome quote: “Cross oceans for people; even the people who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you.”

6/8: I got McDonalds for dinner!

6/9: After I rollerbladed I poured apple cider mix in some ice water and had probably three cups of water!! So much more than I’ve been getting.

6/10: Dominos for dinner!!

6/11: I was listening to both my car radio and an audiobook at full volume trying not to cry on the way home from work, and when I got home I had a text from one of my friends!

6/12: I got a new battery in my garage door remote. Now I can get inside without calling for help while I’m in the driveway.

6/13: I might still be working really hard and sometimes failing at appropriate eating, but overall I am maintaining enough intake that I let myself be active for long enough to really have fun. My shoulder is sore from skating, but I had fun.

6/14: I wanted to smack myself when I tried to go to the gas station without looking up directions first, but I didn’t and instead congratulated myself for picking the right road even if I picked it going the opposite direction I needed to be going…I tried…and I figured it out before I got way out to the middle of nowhere.

6/15: BEST FRIEND TIME!! Also I followed the golden rule: never assume you know how to get anywhere without looking up directions unless you are 547% sure you can do it. Also I was super brave. There were like a zillion trash trucks on the roads even though it wasn’t Monday and I might have screamed a couple times, that is all I did.

6/16: I bought a RED couch. It might not have been the best deal, but I love red, and now I never have to shop for a couch again (not that I won’t ever do it, but that I won’t *have* to). Also, I was hanging out in the backseat of the car with my head where your bottom is supposed to go and the lap belt across approximately my bra line and the shoulder belt completely unused and my mom didn’t yell at me for sitting inappropriately even though I usually get yelled at for things that aren’t really even unsafe like sitting criss cross applesauce in the car.

6/17: There is one good part about grief: it messes with all your hormones. It has now been three months since the first match day. I have only had one period and it was super easy. I could totally get used to this. Granted, I would rather wonder if I am dying for a few days every month than wish I was dying every day of every month, but hey, at least I don’t have to have both!

6/18: There was a pretty duck outside.

6/19: I want to say nothing is good, because it is a day when even just getting enough water in to not feel dizzy has been an unsuccessful venture so far, but I finally got a hold of someone at the board of pharmacy who said I should have my authorization to test in the next 1-2 days…so at least taking the NAPLEX and MPJE are in my near future…time to get serious about studying…

6/20: Saw my best friend’s son’s T-ball game

6/21: The road I intended to use was closed but I still figured out how to get where I was going without even really getting lost.

6/22: I went to a party and while it would have been obvious to anyone who both knew me well and was paying a lot of attention to me that I wasn’t doing well because I wasn’t even interested in eating cookies and donuts, I don’t think anyone was paying enough attention to me to figure that out and even when asked about my plans I don’t think I outwardly showed how sad and hurt I was.

6/23: Multiple people interacted with me who could have just as easily walked past as if I weren’t there. Might sound small, but that kind of thing can mean the world to me. Yep, you can totally shake my world in a good way with even so much as a hello…

6/24: I think my phone managed to send one text!! That is one more than zero!

6/25: I fell and it hurt, but the release was like self-injury. The physical pain almost completely covered up the emotional pain and I feel better than I have in months. Chances are it won’t last, but I have loved the reprieve from feeling like death is the only thing I want.

This has felt really overwhelming…I think having to both find and write something positive for every day was just too much to take on right now…maybe I’ll try again when I am not drowning.

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