Disappointment stole my song, but I choose to sing again

(Meredith Andrews – Needing you Now)

 

Last weekend I was looking at my facebook memories and saw what I had posted late one Wednesday night my senior year of high school. It is amazing how painful situations can fade so much over time. Prior to reading my facebook post I would have not remembered that as a thrilling time or anything, but I didn’t remember it as *that* bad. I guess, to back up, On August 10, 2008, my family started going to a new church. It took me away from everything I knew and all my plans for my life. It took me from mostly fitting in to being a new girl. My peers at the new church didn’t really want anyone else to join their clique and at first anyway I was so attached to the old church and taking it so hard that I was still holding on to a tiny shred of hope that this was all a dream, so I didn’t really care that much if they wanted me or not, because maybe soon I’d be back with whatever class I wanted that was willing to have a latecomer join at *my* church. At the same time a lot of other things were going on that intensified the loss because pretty much every aspect of my self-identity was changing. I was struggling enough that at first I exclusively went to youth group and youth events with the church we had come from. Gradually I added in some events at the new church and parts of youth group once in a while when I could fit it in between youth events at *my* church and school commitments. Also, eventually some girls in the grade ahead of my accepted me into their social circle. Probably I should have asked to switch Sunday school classes into their class so at least while they were still in high school I’d have been included in class, but that isn’t the point of this post, and girl was way too shy at that time in life to ask for much of anything from any non-family member. So, long story short, my senior year of high school I had to finish cutting the ties with the old church and I no longer had that group of girls that actually wanted me.

 

I was really hurting having lost that last thread tying me to *my* church. I was basically back where I had been when the initial change happened. I guess I had been having nightmares about a bisexual rapist coming into my room at night and wanting to almost kill me. It was terrifying enough that I had 911 on speed dial in my phone for a long time and would have my finger on the speed dial button as soon as I opened the garage until I got in the car in the morning. Anyway, I posted on facebook that I would rather that dream come true than that I had to remember what was going on in my real life.

 

Sometimes I read my facebook memories and am like wow, yep, teenage drama or come one girl, you really needed to learn about filtering your thoughts, and sometimes my posts really were the stereotypical high schooler looking for likes and comments and affirmations. But this one was pretty clear that I was just expressing a truth in my life. I wasn’t trying to garner likes and comments. I wasn’t exaggerating for dramatic effect. I wasn’t trying to make anyone feel bad for me. I didn’t want attention; I was just expressing my current reality. The same way I might randomly mention that I was eating macaroni and cheese for dinner. Just saying something for the sake of saying something, because back then facebook was my only voice. I pretty much didn’t speak to my friends, so to have any semblance of sharing I posted random moments of my day sometimes. I know it is a different way to communicate that people who didn’t know me then often don’t understand, but it was what worked for me.

 

So yeah, back to the point, the change of churches and stuff was bad enough for me that I would have rather been almost killed in my bed by a bisexual rapist than to have to think about what was going on in my life. I guess over time how serious my pain was faded. The intensity muted. I guess, looking back knowing that piece, I have a lot more respect for myself. I tend to look back at my high school years and feel frustrated that I couldn’t have worked just a little harder, done just a little more or just a little better. After seeing that memory I now am at least sometimes anyway, proud of myself for all I overcame rather than frustrated over what I couldn’t do. Through everything that was going on I managed to get through school with A’s. I sometimes got in trouble for sitting alone because my brothers were snitches, quick to tattle if I happened to be by myself at lunch, but I went to school every day and I went to youth group every Wednesday and Sunday school every Sunday morning. I survived. I was thinking this afternoon, that if one of my students shared that with me I would be so proud of them for sharing and for going on each day, and I would also feel so bad for them having to go through that. Never would it cross my mind to think any less of them for the things they just don’t have the effort left to do quite right…yet that is exactly what I was doing then and what I still do now sometimes – look at myself in these situations and instead of pointing out how strong I was being, illuminate all the things I could be doing better. Like seriously girl, you are doing your best and rocking what you’ve got.

 

It also gives me confidence that I can keep going no matter what. I survived then, and no matter what life throws at me I will continue to survive. I made it through that painful experience. I made it through abuse. I made it through so many rounds of not matching to a residency…lol, that is where I thought of the lyric to title this post. I’d been so excited for graduation bringing me freedom and a light at the end of the tunnel from all the abuse I’d experienced in college. Then I didn’t match and disappointment stole that little light of hope away from me. I could have stayed defeated forever, but instead I am choosing to try again and keep applying even though I keep failing, because I have to keep believing that someday *someone* will want me. I was told over and over that no one would want me and I’d never be good enough and I might as well quit trying because I’d never make it, but I am choosing to move beyond those lies and try again, knowing that pretty much everyone in my life except that one abusive person has told me how amazing I am and that I will go far in life. They all keep believing in me, and I refuse to quit believing in myself. I have no idea how I am going to make interviewing for a residency happen, but I know I will not give up until I get there. This girl is no quitter. Someday I have to believe that I will look back and the pain of the residency search and stuff will be just as faded and swirled into the blur of the distant past that it will be almost shocking to read something that reminds me of how awful it really was. Today might not be that day, and tomorrow probably won’t be either, but I have to believe that one day I will get there even if it is a lot longer path than I might expect. God does do good things.

Hope means holding onto you; Grace means you’re holding me too

(Painted Red- JJ Heller)

 

I’m not sure what the lyrics are going to have to do with this post…but they ar ein my head….so yeah…

 

Sometimes my head is spinning. So many things I’m trying to balance. Wanting a new job and trying to figure out how to get one while still working the job I currently have. Creating community where I am currently living while desiring to be moving somewhere else and also wanting to stay connected to other people…people who I already feel like I’ve been away from for too long. Pushing myself while still taking care of myself…that nasty word balance really means tension. I guess that is why I have never really liked the idea of work life balance. When I worked at my previous job, it was more like a work life blend. The people there were like my family. There was little separating work life from home life. That is how I am comfortable.

 

So yeah, I just need space to leave that tension today.

 

In one of my pharmacy magazines a couple weeks ago there was a study on the cost of residency. Oh how I know those costs. It gave the approximate cost of getting a residency in phase 1, not getting a residency in phase 1, getting a residency in phase 2, and not getting a residency in phase 2. I compared to how much I spent, and found that I spent more than even the high end of the range of the highest spending group in the study. In the study, students who got a residency tended to spend more than those who didn’t. Those things seem to indicate that I am not the typical student. While the application fees can be expensive, they are not the most expensive part of the interview process in my experience. To me, these facts seem to indicate that students who do not get a residency are, in general, students who are less strong students who also do not get many interviews. Not me. I got an interview nearly everywhere I applied. The problem is, the interview is only the first step, and you don’t get a residency by getting to the first step. You have to get all the way to the end of the path to get a residency and I can’t figure out those other steps. I try and try and try and I fail and fail and fail. I probably spend less per place I travel than other people – if I could avoid staying overnight I did, and if not I never paid more than $40 for my overnight accommodations. If I didn’t have to fly I didn’t, and I walked instead of paying for public transportation when I could. I spent no money on food while traveling. So yeah, I traveled as cheap as possible and still spent way more than even the highest spending students in the group and I still had nothing to show for it. It is frustrating. Everyone says I am great until it is time to decide who to hire and no one wants me. I feel like I keep trying and no one wants me and maybe it really is true that no one ever will. Maybe I should give up and realize all I’m doing is wasting everyone’s effort and frustrating myself all the time.

 

I wish *someone* would be willing to give me a chance. It feels like everyone meets me in the interview and gives up on me before they even really know me. Just because I refuse to lie about myself like other people do.

 

I read this post recently and really liked it. https://momastery.com/blog/2014/03/18/child-gifted-talented-single-one/ I really agree that every single child is gifted. And everyone develops differently…sometimes we call that asynchronous development when a kid is really good in one area while struggling in another. But the problem is, when that lower level area is reading/math skills we tend to think the kids aren’t that gifted when in reality they might be way better than anyone else their age at something else…and vice versa. I did okay with most classes in school, so I got the dreaded label “high-achiever” that meant that I had to miss out on classroom time – the exact opposite of what I really needed. Social skills is one area in which I really struggled, and the classroom was one of the few areas I did okay. They took me out of the part of school life where I felt comfortable so they could talk to me about choosing a career (umm, done, years ago). Taking me out of lunch to help me learn how to communicate better would have been a lot better use of time. Lunch was a stressful part of the day because you are required to go to the cafeteria where there are a limited number of tables and if you aren’t one of the first people in the cafeteria you’ll have to ask to sit with someone. If you’re lucky, there’ll be a table of special ed kids and their teachers that isn’t quite full yet, because they are almost always okay with someone sitting with them. If you’re not lucky, you’ll wander the cafeteria a few times and people will say no and you’ll get stared at because you’re standing when you are supposed to be sitting and just really hope somehow you’ll find somewhere to sit so you can just eat and maybe do some homework if you actually have table space and not just a chair. The lunchroom wasn’t helping me learn communication skills; it was just a big struggle in my day. It was one of those things where if I had a buddy to help me out I could have grown, but instead it was like to teach me to swim they decided throwing me in the deep end then grabbing me back out when it was way over my head and expecting that to somehow teach me to swim. Instead, by the end of my time in school I still was running to the cafeteria in hopes of being able to abbreviate the process and get out before I was pushed into the deep water again. Some days, by lunch there wasn’t even anything in my lunchbox ’cause I’d eaten it already, but it was still important to get to that cafeteria ASAP. A couple days during finals one of my teachers let me stay and keep working on my test instead of going to lunch. It was one of the best days ever. I wish people recognized that everyone is gifted, but just because a kid is gifted in one area doesn’t mean they’ll be gifted in every area. I wish they recognized that just because one kid wants to get out of the classroom that it doesn’t mean there are other kids for whom the classroom is the safe haven of the school. Some people need extra help in math. Other people need extra help with communication. I feel frustrated because the kids who need help with math get help in school, but the kids who need help with communication get left behind. No one cares if it isn’t a skill associated with a grade.

 

Then I got to college and they made me almost exclusively re-take classes for the first two years when my time would have been much better spent in intensive communication skills training. I worked hard and had some friends who really pushed me to grow my skills, but just think where I’d be now if I’d had the opportunity to substitute social communication skills for general chemistry and professional communication skills for biology. I work really hard and can pass as basically normal now, but I wish it wasn’t so incredibly challenging for me. I know that what for me is a very thoughtful interaction is essentially reflexive for other people. It is frustrating seeing other people fly through things with ease where I am working my butt off. Practice makes perfect, but practice takes time.

 

Also, I read another article recently that talked about a lot of things, but one of the things was about mixed-ability grouping. The article was of the opinion that despite studies showing mixed ability grouping in school is best that ability based grouping is better. I disagree. I think that grouping in general is less than ideal. Studies show that mixed ability grouping takes pressure off of high achievers – I disagree; it is a higher pressure environment, because now I have to not only be responsible for myself, but also for making sure to fix all the problems someone else might introduce to the group work. Studies show it is better for low-achievers because they can get help – I disagree; it is discouraging because I know I can’t adequately contribute like everyone else can. The article, however, disagreed because they feel like high achievers shouldn’t have to be bothered by people who aren’t as talented. I disagree. If I am going to be in a group, I’d rather it be with people who know they are low achievers, because they will often just let me do it so it really isn’t much worse than doing it myself…so yeah…I guess between mixed ability and ability based groups I for sure pick mixed ability, but if it is an option I for sure pick no groups at all.

 

Don’t read this last paragraph if you feel like medical-ish talk is TMI…

The internet lied to me. I know, right? The internet never lies…lol…The internet told me that once you start using a menstrual cup you don’t get bad cramps anymore. It sounded kid of far-fetched, because as long as you aren’t giving yourself TSS, how does the manner in which you collect your secretions affect anything? But I guess I still held out some hope because I mean, how wonderful would that be?! But it’s not true. The truth is that they will come if they feel like coming and for me that can be almost devastating. It really sucks to go to the bathroom at work with a hand clamped over your mouth praying you’ll make it to an appropriate and private receptacle before losing the contents of your stomach from the pain. Luckily, fear of vomiting has made my stomach practically steel and while my throat will be sore the next day from stomach acid, I’m a lot more likely to purge the contents of my stomach the other direction if I am that unlucky while painfully holding back vomit and mostly just spitting out acid brash. Add that to fighting to get enough air while all your oxygen is being used up by muscles you wish weren’t so active and it is an exhausting and very un-fun day that makes it hard to effectively do your job. I’ve been offered an inhaler and an emergency call in the past and while I guess I appreciate that people care, it is frustrating, because I am not someone who wants the spotlight on me, and also I know legally you can’t give me a new inhaler or neb and I am definitely not interested in sharing germs with you if you do have an OTC inhaler or neb in your bag. And I definitely don’t have the energy to sanitize your inhaler, nor do I really trust you to sanitize it. I have to stretch my trust and germ issues as far as they will go to borrow Tylenol and ibuprofen from a community supply or from someone’s personal supply if I somehow am out but able to take something, so obvi an inhaler is out…And I mean, I’m going to start with my own supply either way, because until I have at least a marginal amount of control there ain’t no way even an ibuprofen swallow tab is going to work for me. That’s why I have chewables in my bag and some itty bitty 81mg aspirin, because I can swallow a pile of those long before I’ll be able to do an ibuprofen. So yeah, I’ve accepted going home early before, because my ability to do anything that requires remembering something for more than a couple seconds is greatly decreased so I am not an ideal employee…when people find labels after you go home and have to call to ask you what needs to be done with them because your do in 5 minutes pile got lost it is kind of less than ideal. I’m kind of on the fence about heat packs. I feel like it mostly is just a distraction and a way to show I am not totally okay rather than an effective solution…and it is kind of a dangerous distraction, because it is super easy to accidentally burn yourself and not even notice until later when the other pain wears off…I wish there were a socially appropriate way to be able to just take off a few hours during the day and come back later when you’re ready to actually work…but of course when the work is piling up that would be a lot easier said than done even if equality advocates would have a heyday with women having options like that when men are expected to be able to work through a day sequentially.

Take some time to kick back, I want you to relax…no more questions to answer

(Holiday – Britt Nicole)

This is such a good song…

“Lack of sleep is what I do.”

“Work more work and somewhere to be. Skip the talk can’t you just text me?”

“When it’s work all day I just can’t escape. I just stop to think and I’m going crazy.”

Y’know, not every post has to be deep thoughts or anything…lol…’cause here’s a copy of one of my facebook memories from May. I mean, who doesn’t want to be super? How true it is that when emotions are deep for a long time that you feel like you are drowning, like no matter what you do you can’t seem to get enough air. Sometimes you just need a break to stop and give your mind a rest. Like during spring 2017 when I was finally available and not too scared to go to workday and got to spend some time painting with friends and actually felt a lot closer to okay than I had in a long time…

One of my cousins posted this list of 32 questions for adults…not sure if she made up the list herself or found it somewhere, but it seemed like a good brain break.

 

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? I want to say rent because when I was younger I said I didn’t want to deal with home ownership in college but after that never wanted to rent again because it feels like throwing money away to buy a place to live that will never be yours. Eventually you’ll have paid way more than it would cost for a nice home that would actually have some re-sale value AND you wouldn’t have to worry about living under anyone else’s rules…but now I am living in an apartment because I was certainly not in a frame of mind where I could have handled buying a house at the point I needed a home here, and I really thought I’d be in and out in less than a year anyway…but we know how that went…and so here I am…but in reality, when I pay that bill I really just write the check and forget about it. I don’t really put any thought into it. The one that really annoys me each time is the electricity bill…I wish it were just a flat fee, because it seems like it gets higher every month and since it is directly linked to my behavior it makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong and I can’t figure out what I am doing that makes it keep going up. It isn’t like it is insane and I can’t pay it…I mean, it probably goes up less than a dollar each time…it just bugs the h**k out of me each time I think about it!
2. When was the last time you had a romantic dinner? Hmmm, how do you define romantic dinner? If you mean like went on a date, never. If you mean the last time I shoved food in my face while a candle was lit, that would be Wednesday when I poured some raisin bran on my laptop while I tried to work on letters of intent and lit a candle to keep me at least in one spot longer. I don’t know why I even have raisin bran. I do not like it. It is even yuckier than I remember it being…but I have it, so I’ve been using it for snacks when I need something to keep my fingers and mouth busy but don’t actually have a calorie or nutrition or even hunger need for a snack…
3. What do you really want to be doing right now? Holding a neonate, preferable first few days of life, hanging out with friends, eating sour patch kids while getting an email letting me know there was a massive mistake and to make it up to me I can be the primary NICU pharmacist at [hospital I really want to work for] and spend most of my non-NICU DCP shifts in the ED but not have to do any kind of med rec. (Hey, if I’m gonna dream, might as well go big or go home).
4. How many colleges did you attend? Depends on how you count. How many did I get a degree from? One. How many did I get a credit from and step foot on campus at least once? Three. How many did I earn credits from? I wanna say four, but I’m not sure… How many campuses have I set foot on whether I earned credits or just attended some type of camp or otherwise was on campus? Umm, somewhere around fifteen-ish? Depending on how you count being there like if my college shared a bookstore and library and a couple classrooms with the other school is leaving my school to go to the bookstore count as going to that school if I didn’t go anywhere that wasn’t shared by my school? Or if in 8^th grade my ACT was held at a community college?
5. Why did you choose to wear the shirt you have on now? Jokes on you. At the time of writing I am currently not wearing a shirt. I got distracted halfway through changing clothes after getting home from work so my shirt is sitting next to me but is not physically on my body at this time. I chose it though, because it was on the bathroom floor leftover from wearing it after work last night and didn’t have any spills on it or smell like sweat yet,so seemed like fair game for another evening. I should probably take a break and get my shirt on…BRB 🙂 Okay, now I’m fully attired and have a snack. It’s blueberry banana nice cream…except the banana wasn’t fully frozen yet and I used too much blueberry tea, so it is more like blueberry banana smoothie in a bowl. I probs should have just put a lid on the blender cup and drank it instead of pouring it into a bowl to eat with a spoon…
6. Thoughts on gas prices right now? I couldn’t honestly tell you what they are at the moment, but they’ve certainly been very reasonable lately.
7. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning? Depends on the day…sometimes: finally!!! Other times: what else is going on? Am I behind on sleep? Do I have time for extra sleep? …well, I guess there might also be times my thought is where the h**k is that stupid switch to turn off the alarm…the hazards of being mostly blind until my glasses are on.
8. Last thought before you go to bed at night? I really hope I get enough sleep and tomorrow is okay.
9. Do you miss being a child? Sometimes. Adulting is hard sometimes. But it is also nice sometimes to have the independence that comes with being an adult. But food appearing even if I don’t go shopping was nice. And having siblings I always had a playmate.
10. What errand/chore do you despise most? Probably taking out the trash. I’ve always had germ issues, especially with trash. I did a really good job on my own and got over a lot of germ issues a few years ago, but trash is something that is still hard for me. I do a lot better now – I can handle my own trash no problem, but the dumpster outside is terrifying. It is a whole lot better. I am able to do it now and without excessive washing after. I do a really good job.
11. Up early or sleep in? I prefer getting up early, but that doesn’t always work in a world that doesn’t revolve around me. Especially with a job that keeps me up past midnight sometimes.
12. Found love yet? YES!! I love kids!! I love having friends. I love candy. I love a lot of things.
13. Favorite lunch meat? I don’t know. Lunch meat isn’t my favorite. I guess maybe hard salami. But not the brand I bought at Schnucks once. It was disgusting.
14. What do you get at Walmart every time? I don’t go to Walmart very often. Jello is one of the only things I buy at Walmart. The other stuff there tends to be either things that are more expensive than I can get elsewhere or are low quality things that I don’t want. I do have a Walmart wish list though with a few kitchen items on it.
15. Lake or Ocean? Umm, I guess lake. But I’m not sure. Both of them are kind of yucky. Yes, another germ thing.
16. Is marriage outdated? No, marriage is not outdated. God created marriage to be between one man and one woman for one lifetime. Not to mention that in order for our species to continue to exist we kinda need marriage to exist so we can have babies.
17. Ever crashed your car? Not really? But one time in high school I ran into the little red wagon in the corner of the garage and it made a little red stripe against the white walls of the garage where it rubbed up against it.
18. Strangest place you’ve brushed your teeth? I brushed my teeth in the hallways at school sometimes my third year of college…but just with toothpaste and my tongue, no toothbrush…
19. Somewhere you’ve never been but want to go? I don’t know…I don’t really like new places. New is scary. New is hard. When you are still a language learner of sorts, every new situation means you are in way way way over your head. I guess if I had to pick somewhere new I guess probably one of my friends’ houses that I haven’t been to yet.
20. At this point in your life would you want to start a new career? Absolutely! I really really really want to be a resident next year and probably the year after that. After that I want to be a pediatric critical care pharmacist in NICU or emergency. Also, in the middle of second year my counselor wanted me to have another idea of what I could do if pharmacy didn’t work out. After months I finally came up with social work. At the time it was really mostly just something I could write down to answer the question. And now? Now I actually would be interested in going back to school for that someday, but I don’t want that to be my way of giving up. I don’t want to switch careers until I’ve actually gotten to the career I wanted in the first place.
21. How old are you? I am almost 26 years old.
22. Do you have a go to person? Kind of. I am more of a silent person. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing so I don’t say anything. I am afraid of inconveniencing other people so I keep my needs to myself. So it takes everything I have to reach out. Spring 2017 I did a really good job reaching out. I wasn’t necessarily able to express what I needed but I at least got far enough to express that I needed help.
23. Are you where you want to be in life. No. And it’s hard. And my eyes are sweating now and not because of the temperature in here. So I’m not going to go on further with this question.
24. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons? Maybe Zaboomafoo? I also liked Dragon Tales. And I was too old for Telly Tubbies by the time they came out, but I kinda liked them anyway.
25. What about you do you think has changed since you were a high school student? Well, I am no longer silent. And I’ve learned how brave I am. And I am a lot more out of shape. And I live alone. And there are a lot more foods I’ll eat.
26. Looking back at high school, were they the best years of your life? Ummm, I’m not sure. There was a lot of pain then, but there has been a lot of pain in a lot of places of my life. There were good moments. High school is when I met my closest friend. I don’t know if there is a best year of my life. Every year is different. It isn’t necessarily better or worse, just different.
27. Are there times you still feel like a kid? Sometimes I feel frustrated because I feel like I am acting like a baby, but I don’t think I ever actually feel like I AM a kid.
28. Did you have a pager? Yep. My old church at home always had a nursery worker with a pager every morning. That way the room didn’t have more volunteers than they needed, but they had quick access to a volunteer if they needed more help. I carried that pager sometimes.
29. Was there a hangout spot when you were a teenager? When I was a teenager I hung out on my way home from old church at home every Wednesday night at the corner near the top of the hill just past the second stop light if you started at my house to get there. It was a place to cry and pray.
30. Were you the type of kid you’d want your children to hang with? Yes. I would hope that my children will be the type of kid who are willing to be patient with the kids on the fringes. It felt so good when kids included me. I want my kids to let other kids feel that way too.
31. Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out to you? My advisor late in college, the one who was also in charge of Michelle, she stands out to me because she hardly even knew me when she had to decide what to do with me when Michelle claimed I shouldn’t be in school. She knew barely anything about me, but was so certain that I was a good student that even when I was still stuck in protecting everyone and refused to let anyone know what had really happened, she fought for me. And she kept fighting for me even when I was hard to be with because I was so upset. That stands out to me.
32. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age? Not very often…actually, probably not. I don’t spend a lot of time with people younger than me, and even though I am leading youth group now, I still struggle to use my words with the students.

Jesus Made Me a WARRIOR

(Warrior – Hannah Kerr)

 

Okay, here is the line that I love most in this song. “Every scar on my skin is a beautiful reminder of a moment when I didn’t give in and I walked through fire.” The image I get in my head is words written in blue on my arm describing all the hard things I’ve made it through in life surrounded by bright orange and yellow and red flames. I tried to recreate that image on my arm. I discovered it is difficult to write words right side up on my left arm and it is also difficult to write on my right arm because my left hand likes to write the letters too close together so I have to consciously think about spacing out the letters so they don’t land on top of each other. Also, my only orange and red washable markers are Crayola brand and they aren’t really and truly washable the way Roseart markers are and I don’t really want to go to work tomorrow with faded flamed on my arm.

 

Anyway, back on topic, it has taken me a while, but I recently have finally been realizing what I guess other people had been seeing for a long time. Brave isn’t just something I try to claim when I am scared out of my mind. Resilient isn’t just my battle cry trying to pretend I’m not hurt. The people who gave me those words weren’t just trying to give me a security blanket to hold onto and weren’t just totally crazy over-assessing my skillset. They simply saw what I couldn’t. While I am sometimes so much of a trees person that I’m not sure I’m even seeing a tree anymore and arguing that it really might just be some bark, they were standing further back seeing not only the trees, but the forest. (See, it’s not always bad that I learned to be very wary of others and cautious about letting anyone in to the inner circle; I need people who can see the world beyond two inches in front of my face…lol). They could see that the row of hurdles that I had already jumped and they could see that even though I’d missed a hurdle and fallen that I wasn’t staying down. I got back up and I kept trying…just like in elementary school when we had the all district field day and I had never ever had any problem with hurdles before and was actually pretty rockin’ awesome at it (for a fifth grader anyway) and on that day for the first time tripped and fell doing the hurdles. I might not have won the race, but I got up and I finished the race, and that is what counts.

 

I made it through bad bullying in school. I made it through changing churches at a time when my entire social world and all my plans and dreams revolved around the church I’d been going to before and at a time when there was a lot of other change going on to make my ground a little extra unsteady. I made it through navigating my world in near silence at a time when just saying hi to a friend earned me praise until I eventually became normal (whatever that is). Okay, fine, no one has ever accused me of being normal…that is something that I still am trying to figure out how to become. I made it through emotional abuse by someone who should have been part of my support system and who had the training to know not only how best to hurt me, but how to not get caught doing it. And I made it through multiple rounds of residency rejection that brought back memories of the abuse, because why wouldn’t my abuser use the thing that mattered most to me in life as one of the primary things to make sure I knew all the reasons I’d never be good enough for?

 

I made it through all those big things and so many little every day things, but like the song says, “you’ll never stop me; I’m a warrior. When I fall down, I get stronger.”

Gotta keep breathin’…I’m a Warrior

(Warrior – Hannah Kerr)

Sometimes the day isn’t even half over and it has already felt like an incredibly long day. So after an hour at the gas station Monday afternoon, my car was plugged into a battery charger until it said the battery was full. In theory that should have been plenty to be able to start at least one more time in the morning. Just in case I got ready super early to be able to leave before my mom in case I needed another jump to get going. Umm, yeah. About that. It didn’t start. We tried for an hour everything we could think of to jump it. Nothing… So frustrating. Called a car repair place that could get an emergency order for a battery and send someone who could hopefully get the car started to get to the shop to get it installed. Luckily when the guy arrived 75 minutes later, he was able to get the car started pretty quickly and I was able to get the battery taken care of. It was more expensive than where I wanted to go, but not significantly so, especially considering they kept me from needing a tow truck to get anywhere.

 

From there I drove back to the dealership I was at last week. They were reasonably polite and quick considering I didn’t have an appointment, but didn’t claim any responsibility. When the dude at the counter heard about the battery he said something like well I hope we didn’t mess something up, and if I wasn’t already at the end of my rope I wanted to ream him out that they better not have and if they did I want the price of the battery refunded as well as something for my inconvenience. Instead I just kept surviving through my day. They tried to claim that the splash guard not being fully connected wasn’t their fault and they were doing me some kind of favor putting it back, but they did it and I finally got to go home. By this point it was already way past lunch time.

 

But now I have a functioning car…that still has quite a bit of my weekend stuff in there because at this point I am so done with everything that I gave up. It’s one of those times when just continuing to go through the motions of life feels overwhelming and so things slip a little. And I have to do one of my least favorite shifts this evening. I need a vacation from my vacation. I feel like with all the other things going on I never really got to do much of my vacation plans. I am exhausted in like every way it is possible to be exhausted.

 

I know I’m strong brave and I am free

(Breakup song – Francesca Battistelli)

This evening it really hit me that there are some moments that, while painful, have shaped my life – without them I would not be who I am today.

 

Ummm…yeah, probably a month ago I wrote that one sentence then I got distracted. I know I had a somewhat long blog post planned inside my head, and I’m not sure if I typed more of it and forgot to hit save or if I really got distracted after only one sentence…but I’m honestly not that surprised if it was just that one sentence. I am kind of a short attention span kind of girl. If I am engaged in an activity I can lose track of time just doing it, but if not, I can totally get distracted practically before I’ve even started.

 

So anyway, I know I was working on it inside my head while I was wandering my apartment building while listening to an audiobook. I’m guessing, therefore, that it had something to do either with the book (I think it was Etched in Sand – Regina Marie Calcaterra) or about walking or my apartment.

 

I can’t remember enough about the book to really say anything there, but I can say something about walking…

 

So after that day in March when my world began to crumble, I discovered that being motion somehow dulled the pain just a little bit. While I was at home that first week that meant I was roller blading around the block in order to get *something* in my mouth. Then I moved back to the school area and didn’t have my rollerblades available. I started walking. I think it started with one of my friends inviting me to take a walk with her at a conference she invited me to hang out with her at which was awesome and would probably have been even more awesome if I’d had more capability to listen…

 

I ended up in a job I don’t really like and walked to work most days because I was afraid not to walk. I was struggling and I didn’t want to take away anything that could even maybe be helping. I would have done almost anything to take some of the pain away.

 

I started getting a reputation for walking everywhere, and took that on as an identity.

 

Then there was a summer walking competition and I signed up. I am a somewhat competitive person, so obviously I really want to win. That part is my normal self that has always been there…the part that came from the pain is that before, there is no way I would have signed up for any physical competition. Sure, I was a swimmer, but that was a sport where your only competition was yourself unless you were in a relay. I don’t like competing against other people at anything athletic. For that matter, just using the word athletic kinda makes me uncomfortable.

 

I’m not sure if my team is going to win. We were doing awesome until one member dropped off the team and also the team of marathoners started training. I probably could have taken more steps, but let’s be honest…sometimes I have a lot more important things to do like eat…and sleep…and eat some more. And check facebook and email and stuff…but a couple weeks ago someone on youtube said instead of thinking about how you’ve failed, reframe everything to realize that either you are winning or you are learning (not that you aren’t learning when you are winning, just that winning is your primary reward when you win). Maybe my team won’t win because I didn’t put in as much effort as maybe I could have, but I learned that I could have fun participating in a physical competition. And in my grief process I am learning that I am strong. I am brave.

 

Speaking of brave, I used my car horn for the first time ever Friday night! That might seem pretty trivial or weird or something, but for someone who struggled with SP/SM like I did, it was a huge accomplishment. See, the horn is a form of communication with strangers. A confrontational communication form. Way long ago there was a sermon series called Jesus and. The idea being that you shouldn’t have to add anything to Jesus. Well, we are supposed to emulate Jesus, and he says he is the door, and even now I am still tempted to add on just three letters…mat. No is still a hard word. I do sometimes stand up for myself, but it is still probably easier than it should be to get me to agree to something I don’t really want…although I suppose it does also make it easier to convince me to try things that I don’t know if I will like and end up finding out I really enjoy them. So yeah, I definitely did give myself a high-five. I was so proud of myself! That definitely more than made up for all the stress of driving on unfamiliar roads to get where I had previously been going.

 

One of the things that made it stressful was because someone started yelling out his window at me and I didn’t really know why and couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he looked angry. Umm, well, as it turns out, I’m guessing he was probably trying to tell me that something was hanging down under my car. I’m not sure what it is, but today my car wouldn’t start after I filled up at the gas station. My dad came to help me and his car couldn’t get it started so he pushed my car away from the pump and I called my mom. Even with the minivan it wouldn’t start right away, but after a while charging it finally started. When I got home my dad noticed there was something hanging down under the car. Since this weekend was my first time driving since I picked up my car from getting an oil change and inspection and the only things they said were even yellow lighted were the engine filter and the brake fluid, I am super frustrated. Chances are at least the piece hanging down is their fault, and while the battery may or may not be their fault, they supposedly tested it a week ago and it was working well, so seems like they didn’t actually test it. But anyway, now is probably a good time to add roadside assistance to my insurance since my previous subscription expired about a month ago…