Category Archives: pharmacy

I have done my best but still I miss the mark

(unedited as being in survival mode for over a month now means minimal time for non-necessities and I already wasted too much time writing the post in the first place)

(Come Rest – Lindsey McCaul)

That lyric pretty much sums up how I feel about life. I do my best but all I do is fail.

I attended resident prep series classes.

I read two books about getting residencies.

I read the residency prep workbook.

I went to midyear.

I attended the residency showcase.

I applied to an insane number of jobs with well-researched personalized letters of intent.

I prepared for and completed a zillion interviews.

And I didn’t get a residency.

I did all the applying and interviewing stuff again.

And I didn’t get a residency.

I tried again.

I still don’t have a residency.

I try to force feed myself every day, but until this week my weight just kept dropping. I couldn’t keep up with the calories I was burning.

Now I’m eating but the things I am best at eating are skittles, cake, goldfish crackers, noodles, cookies, donuts…and so I continue to supplement with at least two multivitamins every day. On the positive side, I now rock at swallowing meds (at least the ones the size of the multivitamin anyway), but it doesn’t feel like enough. Sure, today’s lunch (which was 90% of yesterday’s lunch) had a reasonable number of calories and hit the fruit/veg and carbohydrate groups, and building off a breakfast with protein counted in my books as a real meal, I am already overwhelmed thinking about my next meals. Eating isn’t as big of a challenge as it was, but it definitely isn’t easy. If I had the funds to have someone assigned to ordering me dominos every day I think I could do it, but remember how this girl doesn’t have a job…yeah…daily pizza isn’t practical. Besides, where do you go to hire someone to order you daily pizza? The process of ordering and obtaining pizza is way too overwhelming at this point for me to be able to do that myself…it might not even have to be pizza…basically anything that is finger food is the most likely to be consumed if there isn’t a social factor to eating.

And you know how I don’t have a job? Well, that means I should probably apply for a job, right? Yeah, easier said than done. Every time I try the pain intensifies and I decide to do it later. I finally had to give in Sunday morning and just do it. It is currently past 5pm. The sleeves of my Despicable Me t-shirt are soaked in tears. I have one application submitted. TBH, the only option that sounds good at this point is death. It doesn’t seem like there is any way to fix this situation and make it okay. And that is another failure. I am not supposed to want to be dead. Clarification to keep me out of trouble: I have no intention of doing anything to end my life. I want to be dead, but I don’t want to kill myself. That would just mess more things up. I can’t do anything right. But I do like that real job applications don’t cost $40 each plus $150 for the privilege of applying at all…

And I’m pretty much the worst friend ever even though my best friend says that’s not true.

I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer…so let’s see, on the positive side, I think I am going to get an A on this rotation. Pretty sure it is basically a gift, because it sounds like my preceptor read my self-evaluations where I was honest about how I know my work kinda isn’t so good given the lack of sleep and other situations surrounding this rotation…but at least that is one less thing to worry about. Now if only there were some way to get breaks inserted into my day without seeming ungrateful or lazy or something…’cause I almost peed my pants on Friday because I had to be ready for my first thing by 7:30am and didn’t get any opportunities for even a 5 minute breather until like 2pm. Also positive: I did get to leave by 5pm on Friday which was awesome because I was starting to get frustrated with my work and the stuff I was doing is stuff that can only be done at school and there is no defined amount I have to get done so the time I leave does not impact my work load.

Why would he let it hurt so bad

(Don’t Worry Now – Britt Nicole)

Some days are not good. I’m supposed to have two projects mostly completed by Tuesday. I am barely any farther than I was Friday. It isn’t for lack of trying…it’s just that I’ve spent more time today crying than working…

…and when I was working I was really having trouble getting through the work. I am really worried about this rotation because the quality of my work is umm…decidedly not ideal…and at this point I’m having trouble having even just SOMETHING not even necessarily something good to turn in. Everyone said this rotation would be easy…I don’t think everyone knew A) how hard grieving and keeping up with school would be and B) that I would be engaged in meetings and classes from at the LATEST 9:30 until at LEAST 5 on some days and 6:30 other days in addition to new homework being added to my plate every day. It is starting to get to the point that I am not sure I will successfully complete this rotation, which is terrifying, because lack of success means delaying graduation which would be really hard to explain to a potential employer someday…at least it would give me longer to look for a job somewhere?

All I’ve eaten today was four chocolate chip pancakes, a granola bar, a couple ounces of orange juice, half a bottle of grape propel, and maybe a cup of water. I’m trying. I really am, but today was a hard day and without prompting I was really struggling to eat. I know if I was eating I might be able to focus better and I probably would be less emotional, but the pain of the grief was really heavy today. Today is also going to be my first Passover celebration. I am not sure how much food that involves…I just hope that no one expects me to drink wine, because this definitely is not a good time for my first alcoholic beverage.

I think the problem is that it is getting very close to the day I find out the results of phase II. I don’t think anyone is going to want me in phase II, and the closer the day comes, so too does the possibility of repeated failure. There is still a possibility of a miracle until Wednesday and the closer that day comes the more anxious I am becoming. It still hurts more than words can express.

I don’t know if I can take another failure to match. I clearly haven’t really recovered from phase I yet. I thought this pain was too much and I am getting closer to the possibility of even more.

Complicating the picture, Wednesday is also the second Wednesday of the month which means I will need a new place to park my car and will probably have a longer walk to school. My friend said I should park at IKEA. I need to figure out if the route from IKEA to school will put me on a safe path. Okay, if I am being super honest, I am afraid that if I don’t match Wednesday I will be thinking so poorly that I could make a bad choice and get myself killed. If there is a train crossing that is between school and IKEA I doubt I will be paying enough attention to keep myself safe. Intersections aren’t so bad because cars generally will stop for me if I am not paying enough attention and end up in the way, but trains aren’t supposed to be watching for that. I don’t want to hurt people by getting dead. As much as I would be thrilled to no longer hurt so bad, I don’t want to eternally feel guilty for hurting people either…(umm, actually I’m not sure you can feel guilt once you get to heaven…but it’s the principle of the matter…)

And that isn’t to mention that not matching in phase II further decreases my chances of getting ANY job.

I don’t know why God put me in this place. I don’t know why he won’t take me home. I don’t know why he lets me hurt so bad. But I know that God is good. I know that God exists and cares…I wish I could go to bed, wake up, and be in elementary school again and tell myself not to make too many plans so that I wouldn’t have plans and dreams that could be crushed. If my goal in life was just to work at McDonalds I could probably make that happen with not too much difficulty. And then I’d have free McDonalds! Yum!

I ain’t like no one you met before

(Sold Out – Hawk Nelson)

So today I realized that I graduate in 92 days and my intern manual (required to get a pharmacist license) was lost again…if there were a prize for the most lost manual, I’d be the biggest loser and therefore the winner…on the positive side, it is found again…but I also forgot to get my hours form signed for this rotation…and I seem to have lost the precious few hours forms I actually did remember to save and therefore may still have some difficulty getting licensed…someday I will be a more responsible adult…
See, if my memory serves me correctly, I got my intern materials in the mail the summer my life was spinning out of control. I didn’t really have the brain space to read and process all the paperwork in that envelope and it all sat in the envelope it came in for months on the back burner. I got as far as remembering that the manual existed and that there were forms that needed to be signed. It wasn’t until this summer that I actually went through that paperwork and learned that I was supposed to have been saving a copy of each pre- and post- experience hours form.
I don’t have much of an excuse for my manual continuing to get lost aside from the fact that it is really hard to keep track of anything when you don’t consistently live in the same state and are constantly packing up and moving multiple times per year…
So I now have a half completed manual and two hours forms which add up to 400 hours…of the 1600 required hours…Yeah, we better hope the board of pharmacy keeps track of the forms too and really saving them is only suggested for disputes over hours…I admit that I shouldn’t have let that stuff stay on the back burner so long.
As for the form I forgot this rotation, I think that should be an easily excusable offense although it truly is idiotic from the outside. See, last Monday I had an interview and was out a little late getting home from that. I gave a case presentation on Friday and was mostly caught up on sleep then I flew out to another interview that took place on Monday. Sunday night I was up like 15 minutes late because I fail at telling time. Monday night I was up late because my flight got in a little late and so by the time I got home it was after midnight. I usually go to bed at 9pm. Tuesday I left my rotation a little a lot early to head back to the airport. That flight got in on time, but it was scheduled to arrive at 8:57pm so obviously by the time I was at my location for the night it was after bedtime and by the time I got to bed it was between 30 and 60 minutes past bedtime. Then Wednesday night I had a super tight connection. At the airport I started at I learned that the gate my connection was leaving vs the gate my first flight was arriving at were the two most distant points in the airport and my directions were to run, get on the moving sidewalks, and push people out of my way. That was before my flight landed (2-3 minutes) late. I ran like my life depended on it. It was like the mile run in school where there was no way of knowing how long you had been running but they threatened to fail anyone who couldn’t finish within 12 minutes and even though I knew they probably wouldn’t do it, I was terrified and ran my little heart out despite how much it hurt. So there I was, running full speed through the airport on the moving sidewalks, gently pushing people out of my way, heart and lungs burning so so badly. I made it to my gate with probably less than a minute to spare before doors closed and showed the dude my boarding pass (which at this point was a little crumpled and sweaty). He looked at me and I half asked/half demanded to board. The airline dude was like we aren’t currently boarding. Inside my head I was freaking out because I thought I missed my flight and was super frustrated, because control freak that I am, I was sure maybe I could have pushed just a little harder and gotten there a few seconds sooner and gotten on that plane. Luckily, while my brain was catching up and processing what to say to get my butt back home ASAP, the dude saw my confused look and asserted that nobody was boarding anywhere because the computer system went down.
Y’all, there are a lot of idiots and jerks in the airport, but there are also some really compassionate people. Some people offered me a seat and encouraged me that I worked really hard and didn’t miss my flight. Eventually I did board the plane and get home. When we arrived, the flight attendants made a very important announcement that this was the very last flight in for the night and therefore do not forget anything anywhere because everyone will be leaving behind you and no one will be available to help you retrieve lost items…hearing that I was super thankful that I was on that flight and not stranded in an airport far away. I may have been wearing a top that was just barely more than a tank top and the temperature may have been approximately 0 degrees, but luckily the towel in my backpack was clean, dry, and easily accessible, and became my cape to stay warm. I finally got home. Let’s just say that when I was already crashing on top of my computer before the first flight started that by this point I was so extremely sleep deprived that there was no hope of organized thoughtful processes occurring.
By the time I got home it was around 1:30am. I was getting read for bed when of course the sleep deprivation started sparking a level of anxiety I couldn’t ignore. See, my overactive imagination determined that someone might have thrown up on the last flight I was on and I was terrified and my fried brain couldn’t process that there really wasn’t any good evidence that had happened and that even if it had that there was a good chance it was just motion sickness and no more dangerous than the person coughing a row in front of me. I wanted Lysol and didn’t have any. Instead I had to compromise with myself and use a Clorox wipe on my hair and skin before I could go to bed. By the time I had done this, brushed my teeth, put on pajamas, I had about 3 hours before my mom woke me up (because of course I slept through my alarm). I raced through showering and throwing random food in the mini-lunch box I’d left on the table on Tuesday afternoon that had previously been used for a frozen dinner and apple and pepperoni on Tuesday when I was also in a rush trying to catch up on a few minutes of sleep. I got to rotation on Thursday and had a preceptor I didn’t click well with and was so frustrated that a couple times during the day I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry and calm down. I gave my journal club presentation, and as you can expect, it didn’t go super well when I had almost fallen asleep during the other student’s presentations. I also hadn’t remembered to bring handouts. That morning I’d been so tired that I had trouble leaving because I couldn’t remember where the door was (and my parents have lived here since I was in second grade)…I went to bed at like 6 or 7 on Thursday, but it wasn’t enough and even with more than one alarm set I managed to sleep through them and be in a rush again. And that is how after having a few pieces of pepperoni an orange, and some cheerios I was too tired to eat for lunch on Thursday, having the rest of the cheerios for dinner, then having skittles, pepperoni, rice, almost pudding (I didn’t have cow milk to make instant pudding appropriately), and a pecan pie flavored sucker for lunch, I failed to even remember that there was a form that existed that needed to be signed much less to actually ask to have said form signed…my lungs still hurt at that point from running through the airport, and I was still fighting to stay awake. Finally today my lungs and heart don’t hurt anymore!! (And this is why I will never ever ever have any interest in becoming a runner. I like my bike. I like swimming. I like rollerblading. I do not like running).
On the positive side, as I was getting ready to take a nap so that I could safely drive home without risking falling asleep, I realized that it was only legal to park where I was parked until 4pm and it was currently 3:40pm, and somehow that triggered me to remember to turn in my nametag before I left, because the original plan a week ago was to park not to sleep, but to have somewhere legal and free to put my car while I was turning in my tag. So I did at least turn that in so that I don’t automatically fail the rotation for failing to turn in my nametag!! Unfortunately that used up all 20 minutes of my legal nap time…so I came home, luckily with only almost running into other big iron things, and napped and it wasn’t until now that I realized I had other responsibilities that had not been performed.
And with that, I am going to sleep now, because I am still desperately short on sleep hours.
Maybe with some sleep it won’t feel anymore like no one is going to want me for a residency…I try really hard, but I am lousy at interviews and I know it. I feel no one is going to want to take a chance on me. Because of that fear, I also plan to rank every program I applied to even if I am not a super fan of the people there or the program. I am desperate to just get SOMETHING.

Shadows drip from my umbrella

(Endure – Plumb)

I graduate in 119 days!!

Look what I made at the library yesterday when I should have been doing homework!! I took pictures at an angle to hide the parts that are less photogenic, and it is definitely not solid enough to be functional even if it were big enough and made with material intended to be in contact with things for ingestion…but it’s cute…my original plan was that it would be big enough to be a cute mini candy bowl, but that was going to take almost two entire days, and I could only reserve the stuff for four hours…but now I have my own shopkins sized mortar and pestle…

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No Way I Can Get This Start Finished

(Procrastinating–Stellar Kart)

Umm…lol…wanna know why I am laying on the couch watching a video that isn’t even that interesting?

Well, because I know I am no good at interviewing, but I haven’t figured out how to fix that. Being a second year armed with a list of the potential questions I got through it memorizing the answers to each of the questions…I also had months to write and memorize said answers. And cultural heritage was over so it wasn’t like I actually had much of anything to study…(yay for repeating a zillion classes…thanks school…not complaining…but…it’d be really nice to have graduated last year…yes, I do know that promises mean nothing if they are verbal rather than written–just hadn’t figured it out at 18 years old–…not that a written promise will necessarily be honored at school either)

As a sixth year faced with residency interviews there isn’t a list of questions…I mean, I can totally find questions on the internet or whatevs, but there is basically no limit to what I could be asked…and on top of that I have to be able to come up with my own questions to ask.

Wanna know how I tend to handle being overwhelmed? By not knowing where to start and giving up until it feels like an emergency. Luckily being a chronically early person, the idea of emergency starts appearing in enough time that I can totally still get things done…but basically, I am watching a video so I don’t have to figure out how to get ready for an interview…

On the positive side, I pretty much have been promised an interview at two places that I would really really like to be!! On the negative side, it will be happening very soon and have I mentioned that I have absolutely no idea how to interview?? And how in the world am I supposed to have questions when I’ve been friends with a very high percentage of the residents at those two programs and have therefore already had a venue for my questions starting like 6 years ago…hashtag one of the previous residents has also co-precepted me…she’s the one who I will never forget because of what happened the first day I met her…she’s hilarious.

I did have an online interview…which I’m pretty sure that the program that was for gives to every candidate…but umm…it was a good wake-up call that ignoring interviews doesn’t make them go away or make me any better at it. Let’s just say that the computer said the interview would take about 65-80 minutes…I pressed the pause button so many times that it took me around 4 hours…and I almost gave up and made my answer to what is one thing you’d change about yourself that I’d be done with this interview…I was just so done…oh yeah, I started preparing for that interview the morning before I filmed it which was two days before it was due…yep, procrastination is totally my M.O. for a coping mechanism.

A Radiant Light

(Rise – Danny Gokey)

I have worked harder on this rotation than on any other rotation…but I don’t feel like I really have anything to show for it, because this rotation I worked really hard on communication skills. I kinda wish when I was trying to decide between the difficult conversations and the emergency medicine sessions at Midyear that I’d picked difficult conversations, because in reality, that is what I have really worked on.

I gave a journal club presentation to which I was late without a full lunch, much less any skittles. I advocated for myself when my grade didn’t reflect the comments on the evaluation.

Today I conducted two phone visits ALL BY MYSELF!!

I am so proud of me.

I might be half asleep right now because the past few nights this has been bedtime in order to get as much sleep as possible in to catch up from Midyear, but I am alert enough to know that what I’ve done is really awesome and deserves some recognition.

This is the girl who just a few years ago carried her computer with her everywhere to allow her to write any necessary communication that couldn’t be handled with pointing, nodding, and shaking my head in asking teachers questions. This is a girl who in an emergency probably would have stretched her comfort zone attempting to text 911 even once she did become a more fluent speaker, because talking on the phone was still too hard.

This is a girl who had never been completely in control of a patient visit in person, and has now been in control of two visits over the phone! Two successful visits over the phone. Was I scared and praying the whole time the phone was ringing that no one would pick up…umm…okay fine, definitely yes, but bravery isn’t not being scared. Bravery is doing it, scared. And I did.

If I had any energy left, I would be jumping up and down.

Also, I still don’t agree with the apparent mismatch between positive comments and negative grade, but after advocating for myself (one of my goals first year) and talking with my preceptor (using my words) it sounds like my grade might actually be an A at the end of all this.

Take that all those people who thought I couldn’t do it! Just watch me do it!

You might have tried to convince me I couldn’t, but I’m proving to you and to me that you were wrong!

Where there’s a will there’s a way, and you better believe this bull-headed girl has a will! My classroom grades may not be perfect, but I am going to do whatever I can to make my rotation grades as close to perfect as they possibly can be. I am good enough, and I deserve it!

I saw me through your eyes

(through your eyes–Britt Nicole)

It might not make sense all of my choices, but sometimes there is a definite method to my madness.

See, I heated up my lunch and then realized I hadn’t brought a spoon or fork or anything with me with which to eat it. I couldn’t find anyone who had one I could borrow. I had eggs so I couldn’t really use my hands or really an inverted plastic bag either. I needed to eat, so plan A was to go hang out with a friend and borrow a spoon there. That didn’t work when the friend wasn’t available and it didn’t feel right to just go help myself to a spoon at church without any reason to be there. Plan B was to go to school, get a spoon, then study there. That plan was definitely not a good one. I did get a spoon and eat, but staying was not going to work. First, I couldn’t stop running into and talking to people. Second, I didn’t really feel safe so even when I was sitting down, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get anything done. After being away for a while the idea of being back at school during the day just is too hard for me. Evenings are okay because the probability of having a problem are so much lower, but during the day just wasn’t going to be good for me. I’ll have to tackle that later when I do a teaching rotation, but for now I can distance myself which is safer anyway.

So I settled on plan C: go to church and just hang out outside doing homework. It worked out reasonably well. I didn’t get All The Things done, but that wasn’t going to happen anywhere. I did realize that I apparently have no more bandaids in my lunch box, but I did find a “moist towelette” in my car that sufficiently cleaned up the blood when I tried to swing but managed to completely miss the swing and land on my bottom and my ankle.

I didn’t expect to see anyone, because there is a very short list of people that I feel comfortable texting in the middle of the day or just appearing to see, but just being at church is a safe place for me. I also actually did get to see one of my friends, and it made my day!! I wish I could have a work from home afternoon every afternoon!! Also, I wish I were in one place long enough to volunteer at the counseling center. I feel like even though I probably could get there this mod in enough time to have a few hours there in the evening that it wouldn’t really be good. It would be WONDERFUL for me, but for the clients I feel like it might not because in my opinion, consistency is probably more important than someone to greet you when you walk in the door. Maybe I’m wrong…but anyway, I loved being over there and it made me really miss even more all the people I had to say goodbye to back in May. Those people were some of the most amazing people I know…hmm, perhaps what that actually means is that I need to just take the risk of being annoying and just ask people if they want to catch up with me for a few minutes.

Where I studied was also pretty awesome because I could take a walk after every few pages read to use up some energy without people staring at me. That works out really well so I can sit still and focus better…and so that I am not so annoyed when the traffic is ridiculous coming home. I might have to add going on a walk to an every time I’m going to have to get into the car when I don’t wanna, because usually I feel really cooped up which makes me feel frustrated when traffic is bad. This time I was able to stay calm enough to realize that some people are very respectful and polite and others act like jerks. I also could think logically that I’ll get there when I get there and as long as the average rate is over 10mph then I’m going faster than I could bike.

Like a warrior, fight

(Love with your life—Hollyn)

Oh my…let’s just say that after the first day the rotation can only get better from here. Where to even start?

I gave myself an extra 45 minutes to get lost on part one of the adventure to get an ID. I didn’t get lost (SCORE)…well, at least not until I needed to find somewhere to leave my car…in the process of looking I took a few wrong turns that took me out of the city…oops…so I got back on track and (gasp how dare they!!) the place I parked like three years ago was no longer a legal parking spot. After trying to get turned around again without getting hopelessly lost, I momentarily considered just parking in the lot I knew how to get to. Sure, there were signs about it being $15 for anyone not using the building it is next to, but I used to go to that building and there was nothing I did then to show I was at that building so it isn’t like anyone would have to know the difference…but always the rule follower, I couldn’t make myself do that…so off to continue looking…and like there are no legal parking spots even in the paid parking lots and meters that are open. So yes, I did spend 50 minutes looking for somewhere to put my car before finding somewhere and not even caring how much it cost by that point…which means by the time I figured out the ridiculous body scan and bag/watch scan station to get into the building I was late and frustrated and ready to go home and not come back. It would have been really awesome if that could have been its own day and I could have gone home after that…instead I next had to navigate to clinic. Of course like one block away from where I actually parked there was a free parking lot…go figure…(You didn’t hear it here, but after all that I’m thinking that if there is a next time I will be parking in the lot I know about and go inside to wash my hands or something so I can honestly say that yes I was a visitor of that building…but really I’d prefer to just not go back, and that will most likely be a reality)…so anyway, I made it the rest of the way there only getting lost once…on the same block that the clinic is on…well unless you count inside the building. The security guard gave me directions to the pharmacy. I tried really hard to follow them and got lost inside the building.

Of course discussion the first day was about the one homework assignment I hadn’t even started yet…and yes, I will admit that I left that one for last because it was the combination of most difficult and least interesting to me…

I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing aside from the fact that is supposed to be done ASAP. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to have to talk to adults with two to three other people watching me knowing I am being graded for what I saw. That is pretty much one of the worst ways for there to be anything intelligent coming from my mouth…

And I got reassigned to spend most of my time at the clinic to which I wasn’t originally assigned and I preferred the location of the one to which I was previously assigned.

It’s only five weeks and as long as I pass I will be done. One thing I know about life is that it goes on.

We Could Really Live Like This

(Giants Fall-Francesca Battistelli)

Sorry if I turned anyone off with my last post…I know politics are one of those things you aren’t supposed to talk about it you want people to like you…I was just so frustrated about how hurtful people were being towards each other. It’s an opinion and a president–nothing that really matters in the grand scheme of things. If you want to complain then please do so respectfully, and if you want to argue about a particular issue, make sure that the candidate you are complaining about is actually not on the same side that you are–’cause in truth probably 90% or more of the complaints I have seen (on both Hillary and Trump) have shown that the person complaining didn’t actually know that candidates views.

Nearly 50% of the eligible voters didn’t vote, but I saw this visual on facebook, and I think it explains visually pretty well why we have the electoral college (just posting this since I keep seeing people saying how the electoral college should be abolished). The electoral college is an important part of the checks and balances in our country that protect us. The Supreme Court is another. Our founding fathers deliberated on these systems to make our country the best it could be and ya’know, I’d rather have a president I didn’t vote for than have a tyrannical dictatorship. Not sayin’ just sayin’. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we have to put on our big boy pants or big girl pants and recognize that when we have to work together we have to make compromises because no one likes a bossy sore loser.


Also, I am so sad to be leaving this rotation. I will admit that as far as learning goes, I could have gone to a facility that wasn’t involved in healthcare and learned similar things because I didn’t learn much pharmacy here, but instead got more practice with interpersonal communication and other “soft skills.” I have made so many friends here though, and in the pharmacy I felt like I was really able to make a difference because I work efficiently and can get things done, and without a family in the area to distract me by constantly calling me about things, I only needed a lunch break and not a bunch of phone call breaks. I will miss my friends here. I knew them for such a short time, but I felt like in that short time we got to know each other pretty well. I will miss them so much. Some friends got me these:


So true. Also, I will miss feeling piles of leaves on my toes walking to church when I leave soon. I won’t miss having a shower that sometimes randomly gets cold though. That I am happy to leave behind.

Also, being so far away from school is amazing. Any time I am out of the state my school is in I can breathe a little easier knowing that if anyone tries to hurt me there will be definite consequences for that person because there will be no way to construe it so that that person is not in the wrong enough to do something about it. Not that I wish consequences on anyone, because I don’t, but the fact that there would be more than a slap on the wrist makes me feel safe knowing that I don’t think someone would take that big of a risk to hurt me. It is one thing to do something if you don’t think anyone will find out and/or know if they do find out you can make an excuse for it, it is another thing to do it when you will definitely be caught–and just happening to show up in another state would be pretty hard to explain away…There are also some incredible people at school and in that area that I really really miss when I am away, but really it’d be better if I could pack up all the good people and bring them with me and just leave the people I don’t know and the people I don’t like behind. So yeah…I had really good intentions of doing homework this morning, but so far I haven’t even started packing up my car, so it is time to put down the computer and put my shoes on and start being a responsible adult. I am excited to eat a Panera pumpkin bagel when I get home tonight.