Category Archives: Suicide

do you see a rescue or a deeper kind of hurt…just when you’ve lost the will to live

(drifting – plumb)

 

Life is still really hard. I still want to be done with life. I have been telling God what day I thought would be best for me to die, but on the somewhat positive side, I have also resigned myself to the fact that God is most likely going to say no. And I will have to deal with that. It is hard when my whole life I have been working towards one thing and that one thing is gone. Everyone told me I wasn’t good enough and it feels so much like they were right. I realized to have any chance I probably have to wait at least two years before re-applying, because besides not being at all in my personality, it probably isn’t kosher to be like hey, I know I started training like two days ago, but would you like to be my reference for the job I actually wanted more than this? That was a really hard realization, but it also really helped because it put a timeline on getting back to my dreams.

 

I recently read this article about helping people in crisis. The author’s explanation of each concept wasn’t necessarily exactly in alignment with my opinions (though some weren’t far off at all), but the concepts themselves seemed pretty good.

 

  1. Stay calm – so true, if I am already in crisis, I don’t need you to add drama to my life. I don’t need you to make life more difficult. I need someone to be an anchor in the storm. That doesn’t mean you don’t show emotion (also not necessarily good) but that you don’t freak out and make this about you rather than about me.
  2. Understand – no one (probably) wants to feel bad, but when we do it can feel very isolating. Grief takes a lot of energy that makes it hard to have anything left to do anything but survive. Crisis makes us less good friends as the primary focus is on survival. When it feels like no one gets it, especially when for a reason that feels shameful, I feel that much more alone. Taking a minute to listen and try to understand is a huge gift to me.
  3.  Touch them (if they’re okay with it) – I love hugs and stuff. In most situations, it makes me feel safe. It is a good way to help me feel less alone. IDK about this for everyone though since I know some people hate being touched.
  4.  Stay with them – grief is lonely and isolating. It is super awesome to be willing to come into my life and try to help me, but in my story of abuse and rejection, it isn’t just the loneliness and isolation that return when you leave again. Although sometimes I am so desperate for help that I want any possible thing I can get, but most of the time I feel like it might be better to have no one at all than people who leave again…but at the same time I know I don’t really want that, because I really need people even if they aren’t always exactly what I need. I know that studies show that support tends to last about a month and at most 3 months, but grief or other crises tend to last at least a year. That is a minimum of 9 months of isolation while the pain is still very raw and very intensely painful. I just need more hugs sometimes…or just a quick text hi. I finally figured out that was something that would help but then I never actually completely followed through on making sure it happened…I asked…a couple times…and then I ran out of energy to devote to a task that wasn’t as directly survival based.
  5.  Ask why they haven’t – so this is referring to why they haven’t hurt themselves in response to the negative emotion. While I am not sure how helpful this would be to me, I think it is a good question to ask to gauge safety. On a smaller level, eating and drinking was SO hard at first and such a chore (for that matter, even now sometimes I am okay in that arena and sometimes I am packing goldfish and skittles in my lunchbox and calling it a success that I am eating something even when half of that pathetically non-balanced lunch comes back home with me), but almost every day I tried really hard to get three meals into my mouth. Why didn’t I just do what was easiest and just not even try? Mostly because that might worry people and draw attention to me, and I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. So, yeah, I am a major people-pleaser. I am pretty much always okay, especially when I am not. It is good when people can understand this and see through my mask to see that just because I am smiling and laughing instead of crying at the moment doesn’t necessarily mean I am not still fighting really hard just to make it through every day, and it is also good to realize that because of that, when I am in crisis, I might be a lot more sensitive to the perception of letting people down, so recognition is huge if I am doing something right. On a bigger scale, why have I not killed myself even though I want so badly to not be alive? Because I strongly believe that life and death are in God’s hands, and my religious beliefs tell me it is wrong to hurt yourself in any way. This probably makes me a lot safer, but also means there should be a big red flag going up if my faith becomes less important to me…luckily even when I couldn’t believe God cared or was even good, my faith was still super important to me.
  6.  Make a plan – consistency, structure, routine, and predictability really help me in life, and even more so in grief. Helping me know what to expect is really helpful. Waiting to offer something to me until you are pretty sure you can make it happen is awesome so the change in plans later doesn’t crush me. Remember that what seems small to you can be a lot bigger when it is the one thing that I am counting on to help me through the day, and when a minute is an eternity, the idea of a generic ‘maybe later’ is a forever that doesn’t even register on the time scale.

 

 

Moderately unrelated, but I also read this post recently where this mom claims she did a study and found out that she is invisible. Her logic is that she intentionally only wore one earring every day for six months and no one said anything…ummm…dude….what an idiot. First, if anything you proved that the earring, not yourself was invisible. Second, people are generally paying attention to YOU, not analyzing your attire. Third, your ears are on opposite sides of your head so depending on how good of eye contact you are using they might have no way of knowing that one of these things is not like the others. Fourth, people are generally respectful and mind their own business. Why should they point out that your appearance is less than perfect? And especially by the end of the six months if they had noticed they probably figured you liked it that way…yep, people be dumb…but using that logic, then I know that I am also invisible. I wore a shirt with a nice oxycodone stain on it a few days ago and no one said anything…I don’t know what bright drug manufacturer decided that oxycodone should be bright red, but I do know that whenever I spill it, particularly when I spill it on myself I do not appreciate the color…it stains…on the positive side, I mean, my shirt wouldn’t have been stained if I hadn’t caught the bottle that I lost my grip on. Because I did grab it, I only lost like a mL of oxycodone. I lost it all over my shirt and the counter, but at least I didn’t lose almost the entire bottle on the floor…

You remind me of a cigarette…you make it harder for me to breathe

(Jekyll and Hyde—Plumb)

I have therapeutics tomorrow so this is going to be another brain dump of a post…

What is life like on campus? Well, sometimes I am doing pretty well and maybe not thriving but definitely doing more than surviving…and other times I am standing just outside the door holding a notebook and trying to force myself to take the next few steps to hand the notebook to the person who needs it and wishing I could just turn invisible and melt right into the brick wall…which then leads to a flurry of decision making trying to decide what to do next for best chances at both short and long term success…but each day is a new day and I get new chances to try again. That was then and this is now.

Similarly, although my goal in life despite people trying to dissuade me, is still to be just like everyone else…which usually is not a big deal, because I know I am not actually everyone else and can adjust accordingly…but yesterday we were doing yoga at school and I adjusted as much as I could without making it obvious that I was accommodating myself, but it was not very possible to blend in and support all my weight on my left side…which meant that by the end my right ankle was on fire and my right shoulder wasn’t doing a lot better. yeah, I may be right handed, but I am left-everything-elsed…and I used to be pretty close to ambidextrous, so I mean I probably could have been left-everythinged if I really had wanted to when I was little. And that would be a lesson learned that fitting in is not the most important thing in the world.

This morning is going to be the very best day of my whole entire life so far!! Inclusion is my favoritest thing in the whole world!! I haven’t proctored since the day I did it barefoot and then after proctoring worked the front desk. I miss working the front desk, and I don’t get to do that today, but I do get to proctor which reminds me of that day. And after that the real excitement starts…I am so so excited…I am way too much of a rules follower to run my hands along the walls even though I want to, but I love that I could because I didn’t technically say I would not pass go, not collect one million dollars…I probably shouldn’t use that analogy, because that is about not collecting extra rewards when going to jail in Monopoly and even though there are some pretty awesome rewards inherent in going to jail in real life, there really aren’t in Monopoly, and also I am not going to jail…and the fact that going to jail also means that you are probs going to never going to be able to easily find a new job or housing again, the rewards are probs not worth it unless you plan on living out a life sentence in which case I could totally understand the security of good food prepared every day and no rent to pay and getting to the top of medical care lists automatically and getting that for free…what’s not to want about that?! We incentivize going to jail quite a lot…LOL…but I am not going to jail, just to my happy place…and I am very happy…probably happier than I would be going to jail anyway, because IDK if you can wear shorts in jail because all the pictures have people wearing winter pajama pants.

I was never on the every single week list either for proctoring or for working the front desk, but that front desk thing worked out really well in my favor because everyone knew I was really quiet and recognized that I didn’t usually work the front desk which meant that instead of asking me to call IT, people would tell me they were going to call IT, which was awesome, because at the time, having to call IT might have been the end of my volunteering my time to the front desk…yeah, I was comfortable with everything else, but making calls was not my forte. Proctoring is kind of take it or leave it for me. I like being on the emergency list, but aside from helping out when it is critical, proctoring just isn’t that exciting or rewarding for me.

Why is it that it is when I am re-watching my favorite videos (like talking to Siri about suicide) that everyone wants to talk to me…hashtag awkward…I feel like I am constantly stopping my video so people don’t get the wrong ideas…but seriously Summer Beretsky Bukeavich has a really awesome video series on talking to Siri about suicide and it is hilarious and I have been re-watching it for years…she also has Zerby the parrotlet videos, but those get old really fast…

When I was at Panera yesterday at like 6am, there were a bunch of girls there who were super obnoxious…I waited in line for 30 minutes because “can we have salad” “can we have soup” “I don’t know what I want.” They apologized when they finally finished ordering, but oh my…those girls were driving me crazy…one of them was going on and on about how she was in trouble for being late too much and it wasn’t such a big deal because she was late like every day for a month but it was never her fault…(for example, she was at Panera, so she was only a block away an hour in advance so it was basically like she was there…)

Today I think I figured out why I have wanted to scratch my eyes out despite the fact that they really didn’t look like pink-eye…hmm…probably something to do with the fact that there is a yellow haze of pollen that I have to wash off of the windshield of my car in the morning which means it is probably in the air and I just can’t see it without a surface to collect it…

So my water bottle dropped and I was sad to see it was not Wiggle Worm-proof…but when I picked it up I discovered that actually it was Wiggle Worm-proof. Despite having a hole I could shove my key into, it still holds water…it’s not that I abuse my things…the problem is more that tutoring was supposed to end at 8:30, and it didn’t, and I was having trouble leaving. So I was out too late, and by the point I was walking to my apartment, my awareness, coordination, and memory were lacking…sometimes I drop things because I just forget I am holding them and let go (that happens a lot to my poor phone). In this case, I remembered I was holding the water bottle, but wasn’t holding it very well due to poor coordination at night, and didn’t have sufficient awareness to realize it was falling until I heard it hit the ground…I also picked up the trash the mailman leaves in my mailbox three times on the way up the stairs…sleep is a wonderful thing that I need every single night, preferably at or before 9pm…

20160419_215706

Not a Doubt Check it Out Better Believe that God Rocks

(God Rocks Theme)

But it is hard to believe that God Rocks when I just finished an exam that I know I didn’t do well on in a class I really needed to pull up my grade in. Even though on the outside I claim that it is fine because D’s get degrees and because I know exactly what my problem is and it is definitely not intelligence or effort, on the inside it really bothers me. Right now is not a good time for me to talk about that though, so we’ll move on to a random assortment of all the things my brain wants to write about after telling myself no more blogging until after the exam.

Yesterday for the first time, I got lost getting from the other school I have a pointless class at back to my actual school…I figured it was no big deal that I had no clue where I was because I still was oriented enough at that point to know what general direction I needed to go to get back to school and assumed that eventually I would end up somewhere I recognized…yeah, unfortunately the random road I chose to turn on actually very quickly became an entrance ramp to the freeway…exactly what I didn’t need when I just wanted to get back to school to study and was frustrated about even having to go to the other class…On the positive side, I forced my way over to the exit lane for the very next exit and ended up somewhere I could figure out getting back to school from…I was frustrated, but Nutella makes everything better.

(20160316_174512

This week I stopped hiding how much it hurts to see this one thing…sometimes the energy required to hide my reaction just isn’t worth it…it’s not like it is a surprise that certain things will upset me…

Sometimes you have to laugh about the little things so you don’t cry about the big things. A few days ago I literally LOL’ed, because apparently the homepage of my blog came up for someone’s google search of “after suicide picture.” I’m not really sure what that person might have been looking for, but I am fairly certain that my blog wasn’t it…

I have a very loose definition of “emergency.” See, there is at least 2oz of skittles in my car at all times for emergency use only—that is, not to be used just ’cause I want it…However, with no defined criteria for what constitutes an emergency, the utilization review would be a bit interesting to interpret…So, last week when I was quite obviously crashing, struggling to breathe because I was crying so hard, and attempting to drive home, barely able to see, that apparently did not constitute an emergency. Not having any candy whatsoever on Saturday counted as an emergency because it would have been too easy to fall back in if anything happened. Tuesday? Well, I am not exactly sure what the emergency was besides I thought there was free cake and sunscreen in the res hall and there wasn’t…which was kind of a problem that I defined that as an emergency, because inside my head I was done for the day at 4:20 and could go home if I was struggling…but outside my head, I actually am not done until 8:30, and remembering what was going on the week of the last T4 exam was pushing me into the danger zone where I really actually might need the bag of skittles that was inhaled three hours ago…so we were down to just prayer that I’d make it…spoiler alert: I did.

I created a new pinterest board: The Healing Path…I am kind of biased, because everything about it is all mine (Except the information from the book obviously), but I think it is pretty awesome…

So yeah, last weekend I decided I was tired of cleaning chocolate off of my sheets so I needed a new place to study besides my bed (or the floor, because my knees get sore too fast on the floor)…it is no good when you notice what you think might be a new chocolate crumb rubbed into the sheet and attempt to lick it off only to discover that it is actually smeared blood from either my fingers or my face where I picked away too much skin that will have to wait another week for laundry day…priorities…I have them…see, chocolate smells weird at night when I’m sleeping, but blood doesn’t…

So I started out sitting in my chair the way it is intended to be used…but being on wheels was super distracting for actual studying…so I took the ball off of the base, put a beach towel on the floor, and used my big red ball to support my weight in frog position…besides not being able to have so much paper at eye level or spread out within reach around me, it is a really great way to study…it is a good thing that I don’t have a blue ball, because anatomy has made the phrase “big blue ball” sound really dirty…let’s just say there is a giant reproductive model that is blue that everyone loves…and refers to as the big blue ball…

I took a picture, but I have no idea where I put it…

Maybe I’m like the girl shrek who turned green when she got married…’cause I might be half frog…

Sometimes my mouth is like “hey would you like me to stay” when my brain is screaming “please give me an excuse not to go back to school today.” So even if my grades are lousy, I am not spending extra time here to remediate, because I am reaching that point where every single day is a conscious choice about whether it is really worth it to keep going…even though someone did say I should set up an advising appointment to discuss class registration…I sent an email back that I wasn’t planning on registering unless I failed something and would set up an appointment when that happened…

As much as I hate daylight savings and givings, it is super awesome that bedtime comes an hour earlier, because I feel so much more alive…on the negative side, having a boatload of energy and no good way to use it up is not so awesome for my ability to study…and bringing my ball to school is not an everyday thing…

A word to the wise: check that your cup is empty before pouring in milk…’cause vanilla milk + the sprite already in your cup = no Bueno…not that I accidentally did that or anything…

…somewhat surprisingly, somehow Thursday of last week did not repeat itself at all this week! I was close to crashing on Wednesday, but I didn’t!! (Well, crashing emotionally that is, I was obviously crashing physically, because my lap was vibrating the entire drive home and it wasn’t until I got out of the car that I realized that my alarm was going off…my alarm was not *just* vibrating…I’m not going to re-hash last week since that is what I wrote about last week and I don’t think I need/want extra processing now, but I am so happy to not have experienced it again despite the obvious stressor of another therapeutics exam…My guess would be that it has something to do with taking (in my words) far too many micro-breaks and discovering bouncing on my ball instead of staring at the wall when the energy overflows at my apartment, but either way, not having breakdown or flare at all is wonderful, especially since I also even attempted exposure on Monday (I say attempted, because I didn’t do it the way that was in my head that was a lot more intense, because I wanted to protect myself from crashing in a setting in which it would be hard to escape and in general from crashing again prior to said therapeutics exam…but I probably shouldn’t say attempted, because I actually did it. I worked hard on that, and every little bit counts.

Plus, it was marginally successful since I wore my glasses in EBM on Tuesday and didn’t just let them fall off my face when they started sliding…

…And I have a list of like fifty-billionty teachers I should have emailed over the course of the last week (slight exaggeration) that I didn’t because I felt too busy to put words together, and so I should at least start that with the minutes I have left prior to my next class…

Things aren’t necessarily always what they appear to be

(You can’t judge a book by it’s cover—Thomas & Friends)
From the outside it looks like I’m organized and on top of things…
  1. I have color coordinated folders and notebooks paired up together in my backpack for each class.
  2. I have multiples of almost everything.
  3. Even the homework and reading that won’t be graded is completed on time 99.9% of the time.
  4. I have a bubbly personality and cannot sit still to save my life (well, okay, I can, but it means I will be bouncing off the walls close to literally later)…
But on the inside, things are falling apart.

It’s kind of like those memes that go “I look like I am confident and have things figured out, but deep down, on the inside, where no one sees…” and they end with something like “my socks don’t match” or “my underwear say the wrong day of the week.” At the end of the day the problems I face are marginal relative to battles I could be facing, but that doesn’t make them any less real. It all matters.

  1. Behind the mask of an organized backpack you don’t see the elementary school supply list telling you what color notebook and folder each subject should be that most people ignored but my parents followed, so you don’t see how through the end of high school my mom made sure everyone had folders with the corresponding color notebook even if that meant having piles of green notebooks everywhere because the six packs of notebooks came with a green but the store didn’t sell green folders that year. You don’t see that I learned how to be organized in that one aspect but haven’t really learned how to organize any further than that. Sure, I “re-organize” my apartment way more than it needs, but that really primarily means deciding everything should be taken out then put back in again and my freezer still is the storage zone for the plastic bags and the Kleenexes and toothpaste share space and I washed a bottle of febreeze last week because my idea of “sort” the laundry is closer to split the pile in half and pick up an armful and throw it in the wash…looking for that really important paper? Check under the pile of pieces of church bulletins…
  2. Behind the act of preparedness of the extras you don’t see that this started as having enough to share, but became a problem of not taking out the broken pens so of the 30 pens in my bag maybe 3 actually work…and when one eraser or set of headphones or calculator gets left behind somewhere I have another to replace it.
  3. Behind the cape of doing everything you don’t see the girl trying to outrun her fears. Everyone told me I can’t so I need to prove I can. You don’t see the girl terrified that after all this work everything else will end the way it seems things usually do: with her dreams being crushed. More than that, you don’t see the girl who forgot third year to do a quiz on time, got lucky and had the teacher re-open it because so many other people also forgot, and vowed it would never happen again…only as a fifth year to forget to turn in an assignment worth 5% of her grade in a class she was already working so hard to try to pull up. The syllabus says zero points for assignments that miss deadline. There went this girl’s chance of a decent grade unless TAMO (then a miracle occurred) and she got 99% on every single thing the rest of the semester…or somehow the teacher felt bad and accepted the assignment anyway…
  4. Behind the smile and energy the inability to sit still and shut up is definitely fueled in part by nervous energy at least SOME of the time…and the joy…well, it is genuine, but it co-exists with frustration and sadness…in asking why I want to go home with a charged computer when I know it probably won’t even leave my backpack, the answer I gave myself was “because on the off chance I decide to kill myself I want spellcheck for my suicide note so someone has half a chance at figuring out what I am trying to write. I want people to hear it from me first.” This is probably more about feeling like I face a lot of barriers in life and would be thrilled to no longer be the last one picked for the team really just at the whims of everyone else. I promise I am not suicidal, and besides, we all know I don’t make decisions so I am 99.999% sure I’d ask someone if I should before I tried anything stupid…so even if I was suicidal I’d be at super low chance of actually doing anything dumb…LOL…all that to say, I have much more than a tenuous hold on the serious side of life. I am very much aware that life isn’t all ponies and rainbows…speaking of life, I know I have shared this before, but we watched a horrible video that was trying to justify murder yesterday in one of my classes…so NOT okay. First, do no harm. It was never intended for us to decide when that last breath is breathed. I don’t have to agree with things other people say, but I always have the right to express my disagreement politely, and re-sharing this post is my way of politely saying that I don’t care who you are killing. Murder is wrong whether it is your enemy, yourself, or your patient.

Carry Fire in My Heart

(Echo–Blanca)

4 Things that make me mad:

  • People that think that vaccinations are optional.
    • Not a single study has shown at all that vaccines were related to autism
    • Lots of studies have shown that vaccines are definitely not related to autism
    • Even if vaccines caused autism 100% of the time, here are your choices:
      • child with autism
      • dead child who also probably caused the death of some other people as collateral in the process
    • Spreading out vaccines only increases the amount of time your child is not protected from disease and also increases the amount of time your child can serve as a good vector for the transmission of disease…thank you morons for perpetuating diseases that we could have eradicated years ago if you would just turn your brain on once in a while…oh, I’m sorry, did you manage to realize I was insulting you? Well, you kind of deserve it for putting the rest of the world at risk by refusing to vaccinate your children in a timely manner.
  • People who are extremely rude and entitled…although I was never interested in retail pharmacy in the first place, my experience with retail pharmacy lets me know that a huge perk for clinical pharmacy is going to be not dealing as much with rude and entitled people…the thing with working in a pharmacy for kids though is that in order to help kids you have to figure out how to deal with their parents…and if the parents are that rude and entitled to a stranger, I can’t help but feel sorry for what the kid might be experiencing at home or be learning from that parent…
  • Any situation in which the person who was hurt is the one getting punished while the person doing the hurting gets to play the victim role
  • Abuse of anyone happening in secret (or, I suppose, not in secret)…but it’s even worse when it is happening to a child. It is NEVER okay to intentionally hurt someone, but it is even worse when you do it to a child. No one deserves it, but really? You are going to hurt a cute adorable child?

4 Things that make me really thankful

Each day she goes on is a day that she’s BRAVE

(Hero–Superchick)

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. I do not have the time to write as much as I’d like to about this, so please read these two articles written by other bloggers. Today is not really so much about preventing future suicides–although it kind of is, because every day is a good day to do that, but today’s focus is on supporting those left behind (also something we should always be doing, but having a specific day to focus on it is probably a good reminder).

Healing Together

We Want Casseroles

congress hand off pain

More people die every year from suicide than in car accidents. Why do we spend so much time talking about driving safely and then shame those left behind after suicide?
More people die every year from suicide than in car accidents. Why do we spend so much time talking about driving safely and then shame those left behind after suicide?
It takes a lot of courage to end one's own life. They have walked a hard road and couldn't see any other way out.
It takes a lot of courage to end one’s own life. They have walked a hard road and couldn’t see any other way out.
The math doesn't work out, but please remember that every life lost impacts many others.
The math doesn’t work out, but please remember that every life lost impacts many others.
It isn't beautiful. It isn't desirable...but it happens...and ignoring it won't make it go away.
It isn’t beautiful. It isn’t desirable…but it happens…and ignoring it won’t make it go away.

awareness

Spread the word!

If your Sky is Dark and Pours with Rain

(Come to Jesus–Chris Rice)

This is going to need to be short because it is late and because I need to pee and I don’t want to go all the way to my apartment and then come back to finish typing this (I no longer have internet in my apartment).

So I feel like my posts lately have been kind of Debbie Downer, and the one really positive post I had ended up being taken down when it didn’t come across right…and I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy, so I just want to rest today in how blessed I am. This song reminds me of how blessed I am. I remember vividly singing this song in the new church at home. They had everyone sitting down and we were supposed to stand for whichever verse we liked best. My brother stood up with me for Fly to Jesus. It is possible that he just happened to look at me and I invented the interaction, but the way I like to think of it is that he knew I was scared to stand alone and waited for a verse we’d both like and gave me the nod that we were doing it. I feel very blessed to have brothers (and parents) with whom I have connected and who care about me. I am very blessed to have been taught values and life lessons.

Also, we were talking today at Community Group about feeling undeniably that God has his hand in your life, and I can honestly say that I have seen God at work over and over in my life…and even in some of the awful things that I have experiences, I can still say that I can see good things that have come out of them that may not have happened had the struggle never occurred. One example is coming to the new church. That was (and sometimes still is) a huge issue for me. It took me away from everything that I knew and all the plans that I had for my life, and the identity I had for myself and it was an extremely painful transition. If that had not happened though, I doubt that I would ever had connected with my now best friend at home. Sure, it is possible that I could have deeply connected with someone else, but considering that I was a somewhat non-communicative loner type of girl (not necessarily always by choice), chances are that my life was going to continue to be defined by relationships that essentially ended outside of facebook when the circumstantial collisions ended if God did not step in and rock my world…and you can say that I could have connected with her without the deep pain I experienced in going to the new church, but again, as a focused student and again, not overly communicative girl, what reason would I have had to open up to her? I cannot imagine my life without her, and consequently, I feel blessed even to have walked through that pain in order to have such a rich friendship.

There is one other thing that I want to talk about, and it is the sanctity of human life. I have a poster in my apartment that had been in my room at home for years, and actually used to be an advertisement in a church bulletin that I cropped and laminated. It says “Life is Beautiful,” and was intended to support amnion which is an organization that supports the sanctity of life. One of my favorite shirts in my Wiconi Walk shirt. Wiconi means life in Lakota. Actually, my favorite shirt is one that I don’t own from he year before I participated. It says: Wiconi Walk, a sacred journey in support of life. Wiconi Walk was a suicide awareness walk.

You probably have heard on the news about the girl who planned her own suicide a month in advance and did it this weekend. I know I should not judge other people’s decisions, but that disgusts me. There are so many people fighting to be able to live and she threw her life away. She had a family who cared about her and wanted her to live, and she took things into her own hands, decided she was in control, and took her own life. God gave her a life to live as a gift and she threw it away. I know that pain cuts deep and hurts sometimes, but the choices we make impact PEOPLE. I am not saying that I am a better person than her for choosing life, but I am saying that it hurts me and makes me sick inside that someone would commit murder against herself. We have laws in this country about murder, yet it apparently is totally okay to murder yourself as long as your doctor helps you. “My heart, my soul aches, I don’t know what to do” (Crawl–Superchick). I feel so powerless against the horrible things that this world makes people think are okay to do. “Please tell me you’ll fight this fight, I won’t breathe it’s not yet time so keep breathing go on breathe in…Just breathe.” (Breathe–Superchick).

What happened to First Do No Harm? What happened to the beauty in each breath?

My time is way up, so I leave you with this that says it way better than I can anyway (I think it is from Ann Voskamp)

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/10/dear-brittany-why-we-dont-have-to-be-so-afraid-of-dying-suffering-that-we-choose-suicide/

To live to die to lose to care to rise above to love again

(Hope is what we crave–for King and Country)

Oh my, looking at my posts on twitter/facebook the past few days is really incredible…it is not that I think I am super amazing, or even that I think I had good things to say…it is not that socially I am able to be so much more vocal now than I ever used to be…The amazing miracle that I am seeing is the incredible amount of healing that has happened in my life.

My senior year of high school someone accused me of being suicidal. As I collected information, I am fairly certain that she knew I was not suicidal, but chose to do it because she wanted me to tell my parents about my past with self-injury. It was extremely upsetting. For one thing, if she had waited a few days, I was about to release the information to her and a few other people that I was thinking about telling my parents…and for the other thing, that is just so NOT okay. She involved someone at church who came to my house and shared stuff that I had posted on facebook and took things I had written on facebook or to her way out of context in order to make a case against me…

Ever since then, I have had a REALLY hard time even hearing the word suicide, and being around people promoting suicide prevention made me angry. No, I do not think it is a good idea to act as if someone else is thinking about suicide unless you they make it obvious…It has been a gradual process of intentional exposure, but even as of last spring when someone at my school decided to promote suicide awareness ( 😦 ) I avoided it as much as possible and refused to use any of their promotional materials except for a few post it notes that I scribbled out the parts I didn’t like first…I just couldn’t handle the reminders of the past pain…

Looking at my recent posts though, it is obvious that I have experienced a lot of healing around that event. I am now able to promote suicide prevention/awareness. I still am adamantly opposed to ever suggesting the possibility of suicidality unless you are pretty sure it is for real, and am even more opposed to involving anyone else in the process ESPECIALLY until you have talked to the person you are concerned about and they have confirmed that they are indeed serious about their intentions, but I am able to promote what I consider appropriate intervention…and the more general prevention of love your neighbor as yourself and do unto others as you’d have them do unto you…

Just wanted to share my little success moment 🙂 Jesus is pretty incredible 🙂