Category Archives: Life Rant

So When my heart hits the floor I can recalibrate

(Eye on it – TobyMac)

So you might expect based on my experience of midyear that presenting at the ISD ### STEM Career Fair would be something I would refuse…well, because I don’t say no to things I feel like I should do, I said sign me up. I mean, I could kinda sorta be in charge, and being in a leadership position is something that makes me a LOT more comfortable in pretty much any situation, so how bad could it be surrounded by 3000ish or so strangers? As it turns out, I loved it!! It would have been a lot better if I’d gotten there in time to shove some more food in my face before it started, but even so, I had a really good time.

Would I prefer a quieter place to sit down with people in a smaller setting – umm yeah, I would probably prefer that, but I had no problem at all (once it had started) with the actual set up. I was a little scared going into it, but I really had a lot of fun. That gives me a lot of hope because while I do probably have to go to midyear again this year, and while there are a lot of parts of midyear I can’t change, the one part that does change is that I get to spend some of my time on the other side of the table. And it’ll be even better than the prospective student open house I volunteered with at school because I won’t have anyone else to keep track of and find ways to get away from…and I suspect I likely will be able to speak about it honestly without risk of getting myself in trouble…see, when you sign up to volunteer your time talking to prospective students, there is an unwritten expectation that you won’t be one of those people telling them to run while they still can, nor will you be honest about things…it feels icky to lie or tell half truths about what something is like…while there were parts of that open house I kinda liked, I very did not like that I would be partly responsible for potentially getting some of these students trapped at my school. Yes, I do know it is improving and things are getting better, but I also know the worst offender is still employed there. I want to protect people, and I was torn, because I am loyal to a fault even towards people who don’t deserve my loyalty…but I also want to protect the potential new students. That whole open house I was just hoping they could all get connected with someone who would help keep them safe and maybe they wouldn’t get as hurt as a lot of people have.

Mostly unrelated, but I am driving to somewhere for an interview somewhere tomorrow (well the interview is Monday…but I’m driving tomorrow…). I may have had a little meltdown because I was so frustrated trying to figure out travel plans…and that is why you shouldn’t leave travel plans for the last minute…so there are tolls…and I don’t have enough time to go looking for an I-pass or EZ-pass…and I also didn’t have much cash and my dad says even though they say to go 5 miles per hour around the tolls that in reality people are going 50 miles per hour and there is no way I will be stopped or slowed long enough to write down how much toll to pay online when I get home…and I had only a $10 bill at home…

So problem number one was finding an ATM to get some money and an open bank to get a pile of ones and nickles…

The next problem was that a quick google search showed that the parking garage next to the hospital cost $52 (not a typo) to park for the day…umm yeah…I can take an uber or lyft both directions for less than that. Turns out there is a bus that goes pretty much exactly where I want to go…the only issue is that I’ve only ever ridden a public transit bus for that one assignment first year that was quickly scrapped after my class when they had some groups done in 5 minutes by driving, other groups (like mine) with no drivers who took 5 hours to not complete the assignment because upon consultation with a police officer we found, the address we were instructed to check in at did not exist, and finally I have heard of at least one group that ended up stranded downtown until 9pm…For that assignment they gave us very detailed instructions about what to do to ride buses and the metrolink to get where we needed to be and handed out metro passes before we started. (Well, I guess really good directions except for that one group who got stranded and the fact that my group’s directions tried to get us somewhere that didn’t exist). So anyway, all that to say I’ve never ridden a public transit bus but for a savings of $48 I figured it was probably better. As much as I hate the airport, I’m thinking if I ever have to do this again, I’d fly and take buses and trains the rest of the way. There is supposedly free parking where I am staying overnight and I plan on leaving my car there during the day while I am at the hospital, but all the rest of it is overwhelming…which is why on today when I was supposed to be super focused on getting homework it got to be noon and all I’d done was work on transportation for this interview…I still need to pack and do homework…

Yep, I’m kinda whiny today…that’s what happens when I’m stressed out for a long time and have almost continuously had colds since the second week of January…see, at work everyone was passing colds around, my family had colds, the people at my previous rotation had colds, the people interviewing me at one of the hospitals had just finished having colds and at another one currently had colds and all the people in the nursery one week had colds not to mention all the airport and airplane time and then I started my next rotation and they were passing around a cold, and I spent time at a high school…so basically as soon as I get over one cold, I’ve been picking up another one…someday I’ll be fully healthy again…

I saw something on facebook that says “Don’t call me overdramatic. If an octopus is stressed out it will eat itself. That is overdramatic.” I liked that a lot…yep, after trying to figure out this whole interview thing I declared that I was no longer even interested in having a residency if it meant going there…umm yeah…I’m not stupid enough to let this frustration get in the way of getting what I want…plus, I filed my taxes yesterday and for the first time I have an awesome refund coming my way!! It’s too bad I don’t get any city taxes back, because I feel like those are the biggest rip-off. I hate paying taxes…like I get the government is in debt, but not spending so much money would be a lot more helpful for the government than taking away the money I earned. Not saying, just saying. I deleted the rest of this paragraph because it wasn’t very respectful…

My internship forms were due like yesterday…one of them is currently in my folder and the other is not currently in my possession nor is it in the possession of the board of pharmacy…yep…I am a super responsible student…I tried…and failed…moral of the story, never try :).

I think I can’t I think I can’t

(For the moments I feel faint – Relient K)

My first on site rotation is a week from tomorrow.

I might still have not ever started preparing for interviews. This could be a hardcore failure since I now have like no time…or it could be okay…who knows, maybe they will be excited to have this girl who looks like a middle schooler and has absolutely no idea what she’s doing…

On top of that I still have my rotation. It’s not my favorite, but based on the feedback I got before the rotation started, it could totally be way worse…I was told it was really hard and people fail and it is really challenging and stuff…I was kinda nervous and kinda wondering if those people were just saying it is hard as in you actually might have to do something besides show up to pass…On last Monday my manager found out who my preceptor was and told me that was great because that means my rotation wasn’t going to be so awful…umm…thanks for the  vote of confidence?

I am trying really hard to write a presentation…about a topic there isn’t much information about…I feel like on my previous rotations there’s been a lot more guidance about what my topic should be and how I should structure my presentations…this is kind of just do it…and I spent so much time trying to come up with a topic that I am pretty much at the deadline and still have a blank paper and a pile of inter library loan requests…

…and I found out Friday that I have a presentation to give on Monday…and I lost my voice on Saturday and it isn’t back yet, and therefore I haven’t been able to really practice the presentation…

Should I start panicking yet?

I’m also staying at my first airbnb the night before my interview…so maybe I’ll be kidnapped (adultnapped?) and none of this will matter!!

Do the angels fill the air? Do you reach out and touch them?

(Dreaming Jacob’s Dream—Michael Card)

 

Lol, so I think this is from the Christmas musical The Plane Truth when I think it is Joseph who says “scare me any worse and I’d be with the Lord!” Umm, yeah, that was me on the way home from church this evening. God definitely was watching out for me so that I didn’t meet the angels this evening.

 

So for this story to make sense, you need to know that I didn’t have much sleep most of last week and have been sleeping like 11 hours at night the past two nights and sneaking in a few minutes of eyes closed time here and there as I find an opportunity in between doing homework…okay fine, in between staring at my homework but being too tired to actually do anything. Keeping my eyes open has been a chore.

 

So anyway, I was driving home from church, and I almost fell asleep…not like my usual way overtired kinda napping against the window at the stoplight or anything, but like I was driving down the freeway and suddenly my head was in my lap. Luckily, as I drifted to sleep my foot came off the gas and the slowing of the car I think is probably what kept me from falling all the way asleep, but that was terrifying. I am so fortunate and blessed that I woke up in time that I stayed in my lane and didn’t run into anything, but it was really scary…

 

I think perhaps I may have learned my lesson about driving half asleep…’cause I definitely do not want that to happen again, because next time I might not be so lucky. I love seeing my friends, but I also like being alive…actually, sometimes I’m not so sure about being alive, but I do like Monkey, my car, and crashing Monkey would be a horrible waste of resources, because Monkey was expensive and still has a lot of usable life left. And dying in a car crash would probably not be a good way to go.

 

On a moderately less serious note, I was thinking recently about answers to interview questions…lol…so I was wondering if being able to pretend that I am having a good time counts as a strength…’cause I hate conferences/retreats, they really really really are not my thing, but see me at a conference/retreat and the closest I’ll get to telling the truth is to say it’s okay…most of the time I keep smiling and telling everyone what they expect and want to hear, that this is great. Everyone tells me it is awesome, so most of the time I feel like I can’t tell them how much I am not enjoying it. People don’t seem to believe that someone might not be having a good time, as if I am making things up or exaggerating when I say that I don’t really want to be there, but I can assure you that after a fall retreat for two different churches, a few leadership retreats for college, and now Midyear, I am very much sure that I do not like it Sam I am. I do not like it in a box, I do not like it with a fox. I do not like it in my hair. I do not like it anywhere. Everyone tells me going into it that I have to go because of how amazing it is, and afterwards everyone tells me I should be glad I went because of how much fun I had, but in reality, I didn’t have fun. Sure, given enough time in one place, I am sure to have a fun moment or two while I am there, but the overall vibe is not fun. The overall vibe is how many more minutes until this is over…but you’d never know that aside from reading it here, because in real life I have learned not to be a negative Nancy about these things because I will essentially be told that I am wrong, and when I already am unhappy about having just spent the time at the event in question, I am very much not in the mood to be told how much fun I had, so I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut. I keep an open mind and go into new experiences giving them the chance to be good even though all my prior experience tells me that it probably won’t, so I don’t condemn the experience before having it, but I feel like at this point in my life I have tried enough things to know what I like and don’t like, and conferences/retreats fall firmly in the category of I’ll go if it feels like the right thing to do, but there is a very good chance that I will not like it. (Although I will say the first fall retreat I went on actually was almost a good time. Those kind of things aren’t really designed with a person like me in mind, but being surrounded by people who knew me pretty well actually wasn’t half bad…that one fell pretty darn close to the category of good. Not good enough to ever go again, but good enough to have positive memories. Let’s just say that at the other church’s retreat (which was actually if I remember correctly in the winter) I spent a lot of my time in my room, alone, crying. I was left out as usual and once they successfully got me to agree to come, no one really cared that I was there anymore). I am very happy to live vicariously through pictures of events so I can be happy with you about your time at the conference, but actually being there myself just isn’t my thing.

(For Recap of my time at Midyear, see the previous four-ish posts…)

I’m livin’ in it and that’s how I say it

(Say it–Britt Nicole)

So as I was walking out of the hospital this afternoon, I saw an obviously angry person. I don’t know what was going on, but someone who appeared to be his friend said something like “you could try talking to them about it.”

That was all of the interaction that I overheard, but I was thinking “yes, talking about it, whatever it is, probably is a good solution.” It is hard sometimes, but talking about issues usually is better than ignoring them…and generally a lot more likely to lead to a solution. For example, I was super frustrated about a partial power outage a few days ago. On Saturday I expressed what had happened and Sunday I got an electrician and then the electric company to fix it. Now I have warm water and don’t have to constantly reset the clocks in the house.

But when I got an email that really frustrated me this afternoon, I wanted to ignore it and hope it went away. My first thought when I heard I needed to be fingerprinted was frustration that I didn’t know where to get it done (which was a valid concern given the difficulty with which I found somewhere and got fingerprinted). My next concern was that I would send in the cards and they wouldn’t think they were good enough. That one was valid as well. I got an email that my fingerprints aren’t very good and they probably need me to re-do them. I was SO frustrated. If my hands hadn’t been full with a snack, I might have thrown my laptop at my bed to express how frustrated I was (but keep me and my surroundings relatively safe).

Instead, remembering the conversation I had overheard, I sent a polite email letting them know that the last time I was fingerprinted the prints were done a zillion times and eventually the conclusion was made that my fingerprints are not that great. Something tells me that isn’t going to be a valid excuse, but it felt good for a few minutes anyway to know that I at least was not ignoring the problem.

If you are a praying kind of person, pray that they don’t make me re-do my fingerprints. It was hard enough the first time, and I feel like I already paid my dues by paying for it and taking the time to do it once. It’s not like I am going to magically have different fingerprints next time so it is really a waste of everyone’s time to have me re-do it, but other people don’t seem to understand that–they want to see it for themselves…I am not everyone else. I just want people to give me a chance and to believe that I know myself. To me, being asked to re-do it is on the same level as the people who tried to take me off of the greeting team in high school because they thought I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t have signed myself up if I thought I couldn’t do it…and I wouldn’t have sent in crappy fingerprints if I could do them better, but I wanted to and I couldn’t and so I did. (Wow, that was a really awkward sentence…but you get the idea).

I see the world through my jaded eyes

(Press On—Building 429)

I went to bed angry last night. Angry at myself and angry at my school.

In one of her books, Holley Gerth says anger is a gift from God that reminds us to look for the places we’ve been wounded to teach us to nurture ourselves.

I thought that sounded really pretty when I heard it, but once I thought about it I decided that is dumb…I know where I am hurting, and being angry and going back there doesn’t ever do anything good for me. It is better to try to forge and move on.

So anyway…

Sure, they did quickly go over this (stupid) requirement while we were still on campus and did send a reminder email…but every single example they showed us had things done differently than the way they wanted us to do it.

It wouldn’t have been a huge deal—I would have re-read everything and noticed prior to posting if it hadn’t been for a new rule that was only disseminated via facebook as far as I can tell.

See, the new rule is that there is a limit on the number of items we are allowed to upload during the last week of rotation. I had only uploaded my big assignments, so I was going to be way over the quota, so I started frantically uploading everything I could…which took hours that I didn’t have and really needed to use on my huge final project that isn’t fully written yet, because the system we upload things into is SO slow, and SO not user friendly.

So because I was going so fast, two files went online that shouldn’t have, because they broke the ridiculous new rules. Chances are, I wouldn’t have been caught, but I am way too honest so I can’t help but tattle on myself. I hate myself so much. Partly it is a system problem though. It is the dumbest thing ever that once a file is uploaded it can’t be edited or deleted except by deleting the entire folder—which is something that only the experiential office can do. I am mad because why is it okay for them to post examples of what TO do that are not what they actually want posted, and who even cares if I post something I’m not supposed to…umm, my preceptor already is going to know anything I post and see it before it goes online, and EVERY SINGLE OTHER SCHOOL WANTS THIS INFORMATION INCLUDED. I hate my school so much…and I totally get why so many people want to give back only to the students and NOT to the school itself.

And I am mad at myself because it was a preventable mistake, and because they have warned that they hold the right to decrease your grade and give you other penalties including fines and behavior points if they find out…and they didn’t really specify if that would happen even if they only found out because you told them. Does it make sense to punish people for an innocent mistake? No, not really, but does much of anything they do make sense? No way! I have so many stories of how people have been punished for things they did, or maybe even didn’t do and the punishment didn’t match the crime…and just my luck they are going to be so excited to test out their stupid new rules that they are just going to throw everything they can at me to make me an example for everyone else. I don’t even care if they want to fine me—my grades are worth more to me than my money—but I have worked way too hard on this rotation for them to take away my grade over one teeny tiny mistake.

I would understand if I had somehow uploaded like an entire patient file or something—that would be a huge problem…but I didn’t. All I did was phrase something the way we weren’t supposed to phrase it this year. Which is dumb because this is the first year for that rule and they didn’t edit their examples to reflect that, and supposedly it is a schoolwide rule that even teachers shouldn’t be posting things like that, so the examples they post that anybody can see (ie not just the experiential office and one student’s preceptor) shouldn’t be phrased that way if it is an in real life problem.

I appreciate that this school probably has the lowest tuition of any pharmacy school, but just like I’d rather be happy than skinny, I’d rather be broke if it meant this much less frustration. Life doesn’t come with do-overs and second tries, but if it did, I sure hope it would be one of those ones where you can decide how far back you start and not just have a specific time period you get to re-do, because I really would want to start over at least as far as twelfth grade rather than just this year…

…and back to my project, because I am not going to sabotage my project over this even if the experiential office does want to screw over my grade…

I can only say what I’ve seen and heard

(Flyleaf–Breathe Today)

I was taking a 5-minute brain break on Wednesday and came across a really awesome meme on the internet…that was actually really applicable to my feeling during finals…particularly on the T4 final…

“It’s not that I want to kill myself; it’s just that I would like to become dead somehow.” There were more sentences on it than that, but that part was the part that the rest pretty much centered on. I feel overwhelmed. I know that I know a lot more than my grade reflects…it has been that way in every class in which I haven’t done well…and I will definitely admit that there are a few classes (like APUSH in 10th grade) where I worked my butt off for the grade I got, and I would definitely admitted had I gotten a worse grade that the worse grade was likely what I deserved. APUSH seems like the high school equivalent of patho and therapeutics…moderately useless to most students, an excessive amount of reading and writing, and extremely difficult exams…a difference though is that APUSH the exams were graded fairly even if they were difficult, and if I brought up an issue with an exam question I was actually listened to instead of being brushed off before I could even finish asking the question, which is not something I can really say about therapeutics. Sure, they *say* they read our submissions of issues with the questions, but my experience has been if that is true then it doesn’t happen prior to responding to the submission in a demeaning manner. Disclaimer that I think the teachers are primarily good people, but being a good person doesn’t necessarily mean that you know what you are doing as a teacher. Also disclaimer that I might not be so critical if it weren’t that I was super stressed out about my grade and other stuff…

Well, I felt that way until one of my favorite little people came running up to say hi. I love people, especially the little people. And then once I said goodbye the feeling returned. I just wanna quit. Where’s my white flag?

Also, my name should really have been klutz. This time I have no excuse. I wasn’t really over-tired…and all I was doing Wednesday morning was hanging my towel up when the shower door tried to kill me and I subsequently sat on the floor and had a whine-fest (very important to not miss the ‘h’ in whine, otherwise I’d have WAY bigger problems to deal with…). Then I wished I hadn’t melted all my ice in the sink three weeks ago. Then I sucked it up buttercup and finished packing up my stuff and went to school. I like the phrase suck it up buttercup when I say it to myself sometimes. My guess would be that it probably actually means something dirty so I try not to say it out loud, and I know it is supposed to be derogatory (and sometimes use it that way), but I like to imagine pretty yellow flowers filled with yummy lemonade in a path towards what I am supposed to be doing as an incentive to move on…anyway, that is how I discovered that I pretty much always sleep on top of my right arm…

I don’t want to hate. I don’t want to be broken

(Plumb–better)

Oh my…

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Although it was a little shock when I opened the door and had forgotten just how much of a mess I had left, it was kind of stress-relieving to put the shoes back into the bag headed for the trash and throw armloads of clothes back into the basket and put the basket back into its rightful home.

Tuesday was not a wonderful day. I tried really hard to study, but it just feels really hopeless at this point. There is so much to know and so little time. In the past they have put this final in the afternoon the very last day of the semester…AKA 8 extra days to study that I am missing out on because some teacher wanted to get to start their summer early…

Then I went to the most pointless meeting ever. It was required, but they didn’t even take attendance so no one would have really known had I not shown up…and someone else showed up over 30 minutes late and no one said anything. The meeting was primarily to vote for who was going to have the official positions in my stupid fraternity next year. (Note that I think ALL fraternities are stupid, not just mine). As I have discovered this year, being an elected position means that you get an awesome title for your CV that really means “I did absolutely nothing.” On the other hand, having a self-selected position means doing a little actual work. Beyond that, next year I will be a sixth year and therefore am not required to go to a single meeting or do any of your other stupid activities. Not going to lie, I joined Greek life because it was a good resume builder, and I hate everything about it. They say it is the best friends money can buy, and you know what, loving people buys you a lot better friends than money. I would rather pull off all my eyelashes and eyebrows than spend an extended period of time with a lot of these people. I try really hard to be friendly and loving and pray for them on a regular basis, but I’d prefer to know them from a distance. The big draw to this particular fraternity is that you can join Greek life with a minimal time commitment…which is good because the meetings are so annoying. Also, there was this one girl that applied for every single position and lost (hmmm, I wonder why when her speech on why to vote for her was pretty offensive and ended with money is really important and we all want it)…well, that is, she lost every time until it go to the position of picture-taker and she was the only person who ran and therefore won by default. Okay fine, so that particular elected position actually does require the holder to do SOMETHING…but taking pictures of meetings you are already required to be at isn’t exactly a taxing role.

Then the stupid speech. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. It was required to pass the speech in order to pass the class, and I did that, so I mean the world didn’t shatter or anything, but it went horrendously. First we had to get our topic a few minutes in advance…but as the coordinator is laying them out on the table and tells us to come get ours and we try to, she tells us to stop because “I have to hand it to you” oh sorry, I guess we are not capable of using alphabetical order and reading and recognizing our own names anymore. Okay, so not a big deal, but it was just one more annoyance to add to the annoyance of the last minute dress code change and that we only had ten minutes to get the topic, write the speech, and run to the third or fourth floor to give the speech.

I knew exactly what I was going to say and rehearsed in my head as I ran. (And usually the only running I do is late). I was confident and knew what was up. Except, I couldn’t breathe. I don’t know if you have ever tried to give a speech while unable to breathe, but it is a bit of a challenge. Insert awkward pause in the middle of a sentence that sounds like I just lost my train of thought, but is really trying not to suffocate. I don’t really know what happened. It very well could have been from running up the stairs because there definitely wasn’t time to wait for the elevator. That is what I want to think that it probably was. It could also have been a recurrence of my social issues though…I really don’t want that to be the problem. I didn’t really feel scared, but that doesn’t really rule out social issues—I was never scared to talk to my best friend back before I conquered the social issues, but despite her being near and dear to my heart and working really hard to help me communicate as well as possible (and she definitely knew the tricks and did hear a LOT more of my voice than most people ever heard at the time), she still was absolutely thrilled and quite literally jumped out of her chair and jumped up and down congratulating me when I responded to a question with “I haven’t thought about that” instead of a blank look, shrug, or waiting for the question to become a yes or no that I could answer without words. Yeah, five words was a cause for huge celebration, and I was proud of myself, too, because words were really hard for me. So anyway, I passed the speech, but not by much…

Which increased the frustration and anxiety about the final. I now need a ridiculously high grade to keep the grade that I already have in the class since that brought me to the very bottom of the grade. It might be almost within reach if the exam were only over the new material, but it is cumulative. I hate cumulative exams. I wish I could go back to sixth or seventh grade when cumulative exams weren’t a thing. (I don’t remember whether it was seventh or eighth grade when cumulative exams became a thing, but either way, I don’t like them at all).

And there are a couple people whose heart seems to be in the right place but occasionally drive me crazy because okay, if I take out my headphones, ask you to repeat your question, answer it, then immediately put BOTH headphones back in that should be a good hint that I am doing something important and you shouldn’t be talking to me unless it is important…which generally does not include a lecture on what you are going to eat for lunch tomorrow or a list of all the things you are currently not craving. Patience is a virtue…that is hard.

On the positive side, I also calculated how much I needed to only go down one letter grade, and that came up with a much more realistic number…I guess I will pray for the best and just know that even if I go down a letter grade I will still pass and still go on rotation. Yeah, it will be a little harder to get a residency and I might feel a little frustrated, but at the end of the day, passing and moving on are the most important things, because they mean a freedom I can only dream of right now.

When it starts to fall apart in my heart I hear you say just breathe

(Breathe–Johnny Diaz)

Oh my…more reasons to HATE therapeutics so much.

Besides the email last night that clearly showed that they read the first few words that I write, decide what I was probably saying and respond accordingly. I just want to be heard. Whether I pass or fail, please just read my entire message before dismissing me. When your response has nothing to do with the primary message I sent you then I am not learning–I am frustrated. Skittles cover a multitude of problems (for about five minutes) but it would be better if you didn’t force me to rely on that in an attempt to get 20 more minutes of studying instead of two more hours of angry disheartened tears. There is a lot of crap I put up with at school. You don’t need to add to it.

So last week the directions for dress code for today were no sweat pants, but ties and white coats are certainly not required either. Just don’t look like you rolled out of bed in your pajamas and came to present. No big deal…well, until this morning when I was ALREADY AT SCHOOL and they sent an email changing the dress code to professional attire including white coat. Do you really think I want to spend a half hour in the car in traffic to get the clothing that you SHOULD have told me you wanted at LEAST a day in advance? Luckily I was able to dump out my laundry basket and find a dirty white coat, and take a pair of socks and dress shoes out of the trash and get back to school in time to not be late to class, but it really isn’t fair to make me do that…and if I hadn’t gotten lucky it could have taken another half hour to dig through all the stuff that is packed to find the needed items, because as unnecessary items, they would likely have been on the bottom in the far corner of my apartment. It already takes acrobatics to get close enough to the corner to hit the button to turn on the AC…I already have a final for your stupid class this week and a presentation. Why do you get to change the dress code right before the presentation? And no, I don’t care that the white coat and socks kinda smell funky. If you are volunteering to wash them and maybe pick up the mountain of clothes on the floor at my apartment that I dumped from my overflowing laundry basket to find it then more power to you, but if you aren’t going to give me a weekend to locate and clean my clothes then you’re going to have to deal with however they come.

I was so mad that I considered testing out whether they’d really fail me over it…but luckily the logic center of my brain could take a breathe and stop screaming long enough to realize that was only going to hurt myself…it wasn’t really going to prove much of a point…and I definitely do NOT want to be stuck here again this year just because of their ridiculousness…

Well, they already cost me a crap-ton of study time over this, so I probably shouldn’t lose more than the ten minutes I already spent writing this…I hate therapeutics SO much…it isn’t just the content…it’s the people too…the pharmacology teachers would NEVER do this to me.

The Lesson That’s Won Learning

(Let’s have  a Race–Thomas& Friends)

A long time ago I had a really awesome coworker (actually I still have a really awesome coworker, more than one of them in fact, just not that particular awesome coworker) who would turn around, close her eyes, and say “I love my job I love my job I love my job” when she had to deal with something going wrong. I still remember that sometimes when things are going wrong in life…I love my life I love my life I love my life…

If things outside of academics could just go away while I was taking finals that would be awesome…

Or just not taking finals would be cool by me too…

And I wouldn’t complain about an open-note, open-partner final…

Also, after being in college for almost 5 years, I think in 50 minute hours…so when you say something will last an hour and starts at 4:30, for example, my automatic mindset is to expect I will walk out around 5:20…it takes conscious adjustment to realize that in the real world, an hour generally means SIXTY minutes…that is something I will miss in the real world when almost everything is measured in 60 minute hours rather than school where most hours are the 50 minute variety with a ten minute grace period to get to the next event/class/meeting…it greatly decreases how much you can schedule in your day when an hour takes an entire 60 minutes…

Also, I was doing homework Thursday and literally LOL’ed…so I was calculating ICER values to determine the relative usefulness of various things, and according to the homework assignment the monthly cost for counseling was $100. Wow…I’m not even sure in what alternative universe that question was designed…also, you know the author’s stance on counseling when medication costs half as much for the total duration of therapy and is twice as effective in the question…

Yesterday I discovered that two of Anne Jackson/Anne Marie Miller/Flowerdust’s books are on Hoopla which is the app I use for listening to audiobooks. I started listening to “Permission to Speak Freely: Essays and Art on Fear, Confession, and Grace” yesterday…obviously doing the audiobook rather than the ebook or the actual physical book means I only get the essays, not the art, but there are so many wonderful quotes. I kinda want to do another book review but I definitely have no time for that since my most important final is in just a couple more days and also it doesn’t feel fair to review a book with art without seeing the art, and I mean, yeah, I saw most of the art online during the submission time before Anne changed her blog and got rid of the old one yet again, but that was a very long time ago…so one quote that I really connected with. “We use the F-word: fine. Everything in life is fine. But it’s not. And guess what, it is okay that not everything in life is fine. In fact, it is okay that quite possibly in your life right now, nothing is fine at all.” I tend to use that f-word, and the associated G-word (good). I started justifying it, because, I mean, my heart is still pumping oxygenated blood and my limbs are still all attached—I am so blessed. I guess sometimes it is just hard to admit that I can be both very broken and hurting yet still so blessed and loved. God really provides every day. I showed up at school Saturday with a bagel but no lunch box. Someone noticed and had enough money in her meal plan to get me some food. I had mini-cupcakes, cookies, and a few handfuls of puffcorn for dinner. Later I went to a goodbye party and there was actually real food there which was also super helpful.

Saying goodbye is really hard though. Not because of the words and my socially anxious history, but because I have learned to hold on to people and have real relationships, and saying goodbye means people leaving my life. I only had maybe two people at the point I graduated high school that saying goodbye to would have been hard—but I didn’t really have to, because I we all knew I would be coming back. There had been a couple people prior to that it had been hard to say goodbye to, but for the most part I really only had circumstantial friends. If someone sat at the desk next to mine they were my friend. If someone let me sit with them at lunch regularly, they were my friend. When the trimester ended and they weren’t next to me or letting me sit with them at lunch, then the relationship was over. I learned more about real relationships in college…and was surrounded by a lot of the same people for at least a year if not more than a year to make it easier to learn to hold on to them. I don’t want to let go of all my friends, but gradually they, too, leave. I miss people, but life goes on. I go on.

 

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I am a yes-girl. I say yes a lot…which is how I have spent a lot of time recently driving people places…I mean, I am the person who agreed to take some kid whose name I didn’t even know to some random store one day…as it turns out he came back an hour later and had decided he didn’t need to go to the store…but I did say no once Sunday…that I wouldn’t hang out before my final. I was super proud of myself. It makes me REALLY happy to make other people happy, but sometimes I need to say no and protect little pieces of myself from the world.

I am also proud of myself because despite the fact that I usually feel more comfortable hanging out with the kids I remained with the adults the entire evening instead of excusing myself to play with the kids and totally neglect the whole party thing. Not that I’ve ever totally missed the whole party thing before…oh wait…yeah, I did skip the entire TA Christmas party this year, opting to play with the kids instead. I am not proud, however, that the little bit of anxiety that has crept back into my life meant that I wanted to take selfies, but didn’t.

I already wrote part of this post last week and forgot to post it, then I wrote notes on what I wanted to write about in the like two minute down time I had Saturday. I have no idea what half of my notes mean.

How you know it is time to start getting ready for bed despite the clock not telling you to start thinking about bedtime: when you start getting obnoxiously whiney at yourself about wanting to wear the fireworks t-shirt that is definitely not among your pile of clean clothes OR in the laundry basket…and is probably, but not necessarily, in a stack of clean clothes at home a few states away…I sure hope it didn’t end up in the giveaway pile a while back when my mom was letting me use my shirts to buy rewards because she wanted me to give a lot of them away and I refused…but probably it wasn’t in that pile, because it is one of my vacation souvenir shirts…I mean, yeah, it was partly stress, but it was definitely also a sleep issue, especially because I woke up still stressed out but not whiney over which shirts were available for wearing.

I should probably stop here before I get too whiny or say too much and regret it later…but I have so much to say.

Made this little house a home

(Fighter–Jamie Grace)

Not the recommended method of dishwashing
Not the recommended method of dishwashing

So after a half hour of trying to warm up the water for dish washing and getting frustrated because it was still cold to the touch, I decided to heat some water on the stove in which to do dishes. This might not have been a lousy idea…until I figured the hotter the better and let it start boiling. If I were going to write an autobiography today it would be titled “Don’t Boil Your Dish Water, and other things I should have known.” It really means you will have to re-wash things, because you can’t really scrub when the water is so hot, so you might have really clean peanut butter in the crevices of your measuring cup, but you still need to clean it off…I’m not really sure why I’ve had problems getting hot water the past few days…but I think I am going to go back to microwaving water when my patience runs out instead of using the stove, because I think that might be a little safer…luckily I was smart enough not to submerge my hands while it was actively boiling, so there’s that.

Actually, I think I kinda do know why there have been issues getting warm water…it seems I have a new neighbor who constantly does laundry…like this person has no concept of what the QUIET part of quiet hours means and I hear the person doing laundry at 3:30 in the morning. Like seriously, quiet hours means be QUIET, not that it is quiet and we need someone to fix that. Why in the world are you playing loud music and slamming your door five time in a row at 3:30 in the morning. I get that laundry needs to be done sometimes so I won’t complain that you shouldn’t do that even though I do wish I could have a warm shower, but being quiet is NOT that hard. Trust me, during the day people complain I am too loud, but anyone who has been a roommate of mine has commented on how quiet I am in the morning. I am getting really glad that I am moving out soon…especially because I have also been reorganizing which means that every single night it is like sleeping in a hotel because things have changed so much again…I gotta stop doing that…but reorganizing is kinda fun…and also why I am currently living out of a pile of clothes on the floor…

You know you might have a little problem with keeping things when you spend ten minutes sitting on the floor trying to decide if you need a bright red post-it note from spring 2013 with the number 53 on it…you’d think that for something so small if I was still emotionally attached it would make more sense to just keep it and move on, besides it is still sticky as if it were brand new!!…but if I just kept all the tiny things to save time, I would probably need like 10 u-hauls by now to move out…and the goal is to throw away, give away, or sell enough stuff that almost everything fits in my car with just a little left for my dad and brother to move out in my mom’s van the next week…most stuff falls into the throw away category…the dumpster and I are getting well acquainted…A please give us money for a fundraiser two years ago is not something I need even if the picture is kinda pretty and I got to see a baby a couple hours before I got that paper…especially since I am not about to give my money to pay for people to play golf…not that I have anything against golf, but I feel like there are more important things I can put my money towards…like people who need care more than they need hobbies if I want to give to something…I’ve never even played real golf (unless you count on the wii) and I think it seems kinda boring…if I was going to support a sport it would be swimming…but even then, I don’t think I will ever feel called to fundraise for sports…