Category Archives: church

The best laid plans can go upside down if that’s lady luck’s intent

 

(Accidents Happen – Thomas and Friends)

 

Things don’t always go how they go inside my head.

 

I was going to do a video with a teacher…instead I got pulled into a meeting about background checks and discovered that it is finally going to be a lot less expensive for students now than it has been for me. Then I got pulled into helping with looking through preceptor of the year awards.

 

I got out of my last event of the day super early and I had the great idea that I would go swing on a swingset….umm…yeah…it was thunderstorming and I didn’t get very far on my way to my car before I realized swinging in a thunderstorm was a Very Bad Idea.

 

So instead I decided to go find someone to talk to…except everyone was busy…

 

It is easy to forget me…especially when I never made it known I needed anything…

 

But some things do go right. Sometimes God answers prayer with yes. There was a garbage truck that happened to turn onto the road in front of me. Oh c**p oh c**p oh c**p are the last words coming out of my mouth before trying to hold my breath as long as possible…then I forced myself to breathe while thinking about if there was anywhere I could get some bleach and clean myself and all my things. And I was frustrated because clearly if I can barely touch the steering wheel while I drive because everything is contaminated then eating is going to be super difficult…so I did the only thing left to do. I prayed my heart out the rest of the way to school…usually I’m also singing myself songs (usually inside my head…), but not today, and shortly after getting to school I was actually doing okay again!! Maybe I don’t have a job and I’m still alive because I’m not a good enough Christian.

 

I’ve been listening to the book “In the Water they can’t see you cry.” As a former swimmer and loving the title SO much, it was totally worth the fact that it was like 10 hours long. Amanda Beard was the topic of my french paper in seventh grade. I was a little disappointed at first because the book wasn’t like I thought it would be, but it actually is pretty good. It is so familiar that I feel like I’ve read it before in like actual words, but I’m pretty sure based on the publication date that I haven’t read it before…I suppose there is probably a good chance that the majority of the story I read from the Splash magazines a little at a time. I read those things religiously cover to cover until they stopped coming. Anyway, I am so glad I read the book this week. It was something I could totally connect with. Someone else who had very similar problems to my own and experienced it similarly…and she got through it and ended up with a BABY!! Mostly it was just me having someone to commiserate with who wasn’t going to be overwhelmed or anything seeing as how it was only a person on a recording, but there were tiny bits of hope that if she could do it maybe I could too.

 

Sometimes life is frustrating. I wanted to go to yoga today. I had lab until 6:30, so even worst case scenario I’d make it to the second half. Then the teacher for the class I had before lab said unless I wanted to be in class that I might as well leave because there wasn’t going to be anything useful for me in class. I took that invitation and left. I probably should have done something useful with my life, but instead I went on a walk…a five-mile walk. Yeah…that was stupid. And that is why I am unable to go to yoga. I don’t think it is safe for me to be there. Either it will be slow stretching yoga in which case I will be tempted to pretend I am totally able to do what everyone else seemingly can and intentionally do things that will leave me in physical pain to drown some of the emotional pain, or it will be some type of fitness yoga that will similarly be bad for me because I really shouldn’t be doing anything that is going to burn extra calories when I am trying to gain weight…especially seeing as how I am already having trouble with my dinner today. I was super efficient in lab moving people around and grading papers and alphabetizing at top speed so that I’d have plenty of time and I was pretty proud of myself for finishing at 5pm. But then I realized that it wasn’t a good idea to go to yoga. But I also couldn’t go home. I already said I wasn’t going to be home for dinner and it is always awkward when I say that then show up at home…especially because a lot of times dinner when I’m not there is fish and so people feel bad that I can’t eat with them, because that is one of the things they are aware that I do not eat. Besides, I had enough food for two meals in my lunch box and extra snacks in my car. So I started getting dinner ready, but I didn’t really want to eat it. So I went to my happy place so that I wouldn’t be tempted to show up to show up at yoga. Now I am trying really hard to finish dinner. It is frustrating, because I feel like I should be over this by now. But I’m still struggling. How long does this last? I’m tired of holding on.

 

Umm yeah…so we’ll just end with some good lyrics:

“When does a scar become a tattoo? When does the sky turn back to blue? When will this heart that’s broken and bleeding beat again? When do I stop feeling this burn? When will it stop? When will I learn?…I’m right here, standing in the pouring rain; tick tock hours all feel the same.” (Say your name – Plumb)

That’s why God made tears

(Tears – Matt Hammitt)

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t do it. I am tired. I am tired of success being measured by how long it’s been since crying in front of someone and how difficult it is to eat and drink. I am just so tired. Sure, today was a big success because I made it through church and only almost got caught crying. I found a quiet corner at church to cry then made it to my car to really fall apart…and I know I can’t yet safely drive home which is why I am in an outside corner on my own trying to calm and hide my emotion enough to safely bring myself home. I want to be happy. I want to be good enough. I really just want anything but this. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. Sure, I’m eating and drinking. Sure, sleep is getting a little better. Sure, I am not crying in front of people…but the pain is still there. The pain still tears me apart. I can’t. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay while I die on the inside.

On the outside I laugh and smile like everything is cool. I pretend it is funny that I have seven tubes of toothpaste but no headphones and no jacket. I pretend it is funny I wrapped a towel around myself instead of using an umbrella because it didn’t occur to me I might need one until I was driving through pouring rain and didn’t want to turn around.

It has rained all week, and the rain reflects what’s on the inside. Does this ever get easier? Does the rain ever end? Will there ever be a rainbow marking the end of the hard season?

Science says that tears cleanse the body to physically improve emotionally well being, so you’d think with all these tears I’d be rocking it by now, but instead I’m still here, still crying…My bracelet says I’m strong. I don’t know. If I were strong wouldn’t I be able to not have car seats wet with tears?

I keep going to church partly because I have friends there and partly because the radio has always told me to fake it until I make it, to when you’re not sure anymore what you believe to keep listening and let the words pour over your soul until you can believe them again. So far though, it is hard. It is one more place to put on a smile and pretend that life is awesome. Pretend I want to be alive. It is hard to see everyone having a good time and talking about how awesome God is when I still feel like God doesn’t care. I know that by surrounding myself with the truth it might help getting the truth to sink in, but I’m still struggling. I want to believe God is good. I want to believe God cares. I want to believe God has a plan for good. I want to believe that God won’t throw me away, but after over two weeks of pain that doesn’t seem like it will ever end it is hard. Sure, I’ve gotten a new close friend out each of the two biggest bad things that happened before this, but I have a lot of friends and as much as I love each and every one of them, I’d have rather found them in joy or even had one fewer friend than have to go through this pain to have them. Besides, if I can make awesome friends without having so much pain in the process then what is the point in going through all the pain for another friend? It hurts too much. I can’t do this.

Also, totally unrelated, but I have under a month now until I am functionally homeless…and I haven’t really looked very hard for somewhere to stay. I mean, I kinda tried. I checked into if I could live in the res hall at school and the answer was no…but beyond that as far as I’ve gotten is maybe I should look up directions to Walmart…yeah, my friend probably shouldn’t have told me about how easy it is to just park in a Walmart parking lot to sleep and find places with free showers when traveling…it seems way more overwhelming to find somewhere to live and move again than to just live at Walmart. I know when the time comes to move out I will likely feel differently, and I know my parents would not be happy to find out I was living in the Walmart parking lot, but right now I just don’t have the energy to put into looking for a place to stay…and with that, it is time to get some sleep and then do some homework and start working on figuring out where I am living next…

what do I have that I wouldn’t lose?

(Heart Like You – Love and the Outcome)

grateful-for-pdf-nitro-reader-3
hashtag I know the picture isn’t totally centered on the background…I had issues trying to get the picture to even show up in the post…
  1. Well, I don’t post names except of online friends…which means it isn’t cheating to just say that I am super thankful for my friends. I texted a couple of them yesterday, but there are so many others that are not any less important to me…just that I picked a couple to express my thanks then got distracted.
  2.  I have been learning to eat a lot of things that I’d usually reject. I can even do it without cringing. It makes life around the dinner table a lot easier.

3. skittles. yum. (but seriously, as much as I love them, I have 5 lbs of them left at the moment and my clothes haven’t grown with my waistline).

4. meeting my best friend’s baby at only a handful of days old. Can I cheat and have a second thing: having a picnic with my best friend this summer. What can I say? People are important to me…both the children and the community.

5. My new sweatshirt jacket with thumb holes. I’ve never had a shirt with thumbholes before and I love it so much.

6. I was worried about having somewhere to sleep at night this year. I have had a place to stay every night, and probably will continue to have a place to sleep.

7. I am resilient. I haven’t let huge obstacles keep me from my ultimate dream. Perhaps some of the midpoint goals and desires have been forfeited, but the biggest goal still has the potential to come true (pediatric critical care pharmacy, here I come).

8. I am never not enough. I am always exactly who I was made to be, and that is enough.

9. I graduate in 170 days. I will be free!!!!! I’ve been looking forward to this day for almost two and a half years now.

10. I may have initially resented the comment by Certain Someone that I would probably only ever fit in at church (the implication being because those people are more accepting than the general population) because it was a way of telling me I wasn’t good enough and a way to belittle my firmly held religious beliefs. After three years to get over it and to experience more of the world, I am thankful that I do belong at church. I fit in not because no one else would want me–in fact I make friends easily and I do have friends with beliefs that differ from mine and even friends with no religious beliefs…but it is because these people are different that I fit in. These are people that truly love their neighbor and are willing to show compassion and consistently show kindness to a girl whose ability to trust was shattered. These are people willing to take the time to see past the everything is awesome façade to see that sometimes I’m so busy filling everyone else’s bucket that I’ve convinced myself mine doesn’t matter. These are people who, like Jesus, saw me lonely and invited me in, saw me scared and comforted me. I will never forget one of the first times as a fourth year I let my fear show and instead of being shamed and threatened and manipulated, was surprised to be met with kindness and concern…I was still scared enough that I chewed on my towel in front of a bunch of people, but that’s not the point. The point is that God has used his church to surround me with people who show me what it means to be loved, even in places where I walk in knowing no one.

 

 

I saw me through your eyes

(through your eyes–Britt Nicole)

It might not make sense all of my choices, but sometimes there is a definite method to my madness.

See, I heated up my lunch and then realized I hadn’t brought a spoon or fork or anything with me with which to eat it. I couldn’t find anyone who had one I could borrow. I had eggs so I couldn’t really use my hands or really an inverted plastic bag either. I needed to eat, so plan A was to go hang out with a friend and borrow a spoon there. That didn’t work when the friend wasn’t available and it didn’t feel right to just go help myself to a spoon at church without any reason to be there. Plan B was to go to school, get a spoon, then study there. That plan was definitely not a good one. I did get a spoon and eat, but staying was not going to work. First, I couldn’t stop running into and talking to people. Second, I didn’t really feel safe so even when I was sitting down, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get anything done. After being away for a while the idea of being back at school during the day just is too hard for me. Evenings are okay because the probability of having a problem are so much lower, but during the day just wasn’t going to be good for me. I’ll have to tackle that later when I do a teaching rotation, but for now I can distance myself which is safer anyway.

So I settled on plan C: go to church and just hang out outside doing homework. It worked out reasonably well. I didn’t get All The Things done, but that wasn’t going to happen anywhere. I did realize that I apparently have no more bandaids in my lunch box, but I did find a “moist towelette” in my car that sufficiently cleaned up the blood when I tried to swing but managed to completely miss the swing and land on my bottom and my ankle.

I didn’t expect to see anyone, because there is a very short list of people that I feel comfortable texting in the middle of the day or just appearing to see, but just being at church is a safe place for me. I also actually did get to see one of my friends, and it made my day!! I wish I could have a work from home afternoon every afternoon!! Also, I wish I were in one place long enough to volunteer at the counseling center. I feel like even though I probably could get there this mod in enough time to have a few hours there in the evening that it wouldn’t really be good. It would be WONDERFUL for me, but for the clients I feel like it might not because in my opinion, consistency is probably more important than someone to greet you when you walk in the door. Maybe I’m wrong…but anyway, I loved being over there and it made me really miss even more all the people I had to say goodbye to back in May. Those people were some of the most amazing people I know…hmm, perhaps what that actually means is that I need to just take the risk of being annoying and just ask people if they want to catch up with me for a few minutes.

Where I studied was also pretty awesome because I could take a walk after every few pages read to use up some energy without people staring at me. That works out really well so I can sit still and focus better…and so that I am not so annoyed when the traffic is ridiculous coming home. I might have to add going on a walk to an every time I’m going to have to get into the car when I don’t wanna, because usually I feel really cooped up which makes me feel frustrated when traffic is bad. This time I was able to stay calm enough to realize that some people are very respectful and polite and others act like jerks. I also could think logically that I’ll get there when I get there and as long as the average rate is over 10mph then I’m going faster than I could bike.

every little thing

(Giants Fall—francesca battistelli)

Sometimes you just gotta take a weekend to relax and be stupid…So…the house I am in has completely separate heating and cooling systems…which means if I am messing around and turn the heat one way up but leave the cooling one alone it’ll get really warm by my bed against where the heat comes out in my room, and most of the house’ll stay pretty much the same temperature, but the bathroom and kitchen where there are no heat vents will be freezing because the cooling will be going crazy trying to keep up with the heat. Yeah…someone designed this house so there is cooling in every room, but heat only in the bedrooms and living room.

Today is apparently my WordPress anniversary…wordpress alerted me to that about an hour and a half ago…I feel like I should celebrate or something…too tired though…plus, I’ve been stuffing my face with snacks and candy and stuff all day trying to stay awake and hold myself over until meal times and really the only way I know how to celebrate is to shove good food in my face…

Have I mentioned how much I hate daylight savings…see, the clock said three, but my stomach said 5 and therefore way past time to eat, so I had a ridiculous amount of snacks and candy trying to wait until a more normal time to eat…also since staying up late is super hard for me, it means that the transition is really hard, because while I don’t bother changing my schedule much when I change time zones, I do for daylight savings since for one, it lasts half a year, and for two, it is hard enough to adapt to a world of night owls as an early bird without becoming an even earlier bird. Going to bed at 7 and getting up at 3 doesn’t work in the real world, and even once I leave this time zone, going to bed at 8 and getting up at 4 isn’t a long term solution—especially considering how many events I already attend that keep me up late. So anyway, even though I am over-tired and crabby for a while, it is better in the longterm for now to change with the clock…just sayin’ that I didn’t sign up to vote this year, and even if I had I wouldn’t be voting for Hillary or Trump, because both of them seem kinda wacked out, (Gary Johnson would have been my vote because he at least is pretty normal and since he doesn’t really have much of a partisan backing he won’t be able to do anything unless it is actually a good idea). If one of them was going to get rid of all these dumb clock changes though, I would make sure I found a way to vote. I hate losing an hour in the spring because I feel cheated out of my study time, but in all honestly, I probably lose more than an hour in the fall because it is so hard for me to adjust to staying up an extra hour later. Actually, I don’t “probably” lose more than an hour, I definitely lose more than an hour. I tried to make the change Saturday night instead of Sunday morning in hopes of being at least marginally more adjusted and less exhausted by Monday, and because I do so poorly with staying up late, I used up most if not all of the hour this morning attempting to sleep in because I was too tired to get up…I still wake up way too early, but now it is even longer to wait before it is a normal waking time…not fun…and since I need about three times as long or so in the morning to make up for staying up late, that is even longer to wait…whoever invented all these clock changes was an idiot.

Anyway, I was reading the back of a bottle of sanitizer and there was a warning that if used on the floor it might be slippery while wet…hahaha…no kidding…

Also, the song “wouldn’t want me” by the wonderful Stephanie Pauline has been on my mind. Such powerful imagery. Also, I drew a really awesome picture of a park bench on my church bulletin this morning. I was really proud of myself and am considering whether I should cut it out and put it in my journal 🙂

I could tell she’d been a beauty as far as beauties go, long before the light had ever left her soul

Hey! Do you want to go to heaven? Do you want to be set free?

She just looked at me and said with a smile, God wouldn’t want me. She thought, God wouldn’t want me.

Maybe God wants me yet.

If I told you my story you would hear life

(My story–Big daddy weave)

Two stories from this weekend:

Story 1: You know, I never expected the service part of going to church to ever be terrifying. I really like how friendly everyone is at the church, so I don’t intend to leave over it, but that was not a comfortable experience.

So everything was going okay…awkward pre-service community time that is honestly a hard part of church for me even at my home churches which is a piece of why I prefer to serve at every service at my home churches…then worship…you know, all the usual pieces of going to church…

Until they stop worship and ask people to come up if they want to heal people or teach people or just know Jesus more. Although, I mean, I would endorse those goals, something held me back from going up even though seriously 90% of the church was up there. It was a little frustrating at first because it felt like anxiety coming back, but as I saw what was going on up there, I realized it was really God protecting me.

There were a couple of people up there touching everyone’s faces. It wasn’t like a quick touch, but like a multiple minute thing. I have no problem with physical touch, and I am even okay with people touching my hair, but my face has a personal bubble. Maybe it is just me, but there are very few situations in which it would feel okay for someone to touch my face. It isn’t even a germ issue—just a personal space issue.

And it became terrifying when they stopped to announce what they were doing and it looked like they were going to do it to everyone instead of just the people up front. Luckily that was not the case and I escaped unharmed, but for a while I was questioning whether this was some kind of cult and if it would be safe to come back again next week.

If it weren’t for how friendly they were, I would be so outta there, but since they won my heart first, I am willing to overlook a really strange occurrence and just make sure I assert my needs if anyone tries to invade my personal bubble.

 

Story 2: I had an experience of feeling anger about someone’s depiction of OCD today. There is one particular blogger who I know will rile me up (because she has never had OCD and is not any kind of mental health professional yet writes as if she knows everything about it and how to appropriately treat it, but very much does not) so I don’t read that one, but this was just some random person on The Mighty and seemed like it’d be good—looked like a blog on building community to bash stigma…all was well and good until I got to the last paragraph where the author states his/her child climbed a tree, and doing that cured him. Really, I guess it was jealousy—perhaps it worked for her kid, but I doubt it is a solution that will cure many (if any) other people. If only it were that easy. I was angry that she would spread the concept that freedom is so easy when for me, it wasn’t so easy…so in other words, I was basically a hypocrite because I claim that I think everyone’s story matters….except apparently the ones that are too easy. Fail.

Live and learn?

And the last words you’ll hear tonight will be ‘I love you.’ Love takes us all of a lifetime to tell

(For he grants sleep to those he loves—Michael Card)

(written at church as an excuse to stay where I feel loved a little longer…posted at home after using the drive time to make sure I wasn’t posting something that was going to get me into trouble later)

I’m not as think as you dumb I am…lol

So last night I wrote on my to do list, “directions.” This morning I saw that and was like no problem, I totally know where I am going, I probably just was super tired and needed to remind myself to bring my directions notebook to my car in case I need it.

Lol, story of my life, as it turns out, I remembered why that was on my list about the same time that I noticed the “road closed” sign. Oh no…so yeah…and that is how I got lost…and how I ended up running down the sidewalks as I realized that I had parked a mile away from where I was currently sitting and could not apparate into the drivers seat…

Luckily, I miscalculated how long it took to get to church from where I was parked, and it worked out. All is well that ends well.

Except, now I should leave church, but leaving is hard because I have friends Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday, but Sunday and Monday and Wednesday and Friday I am alone. I know that changes starting tomorrow, but that is more stressful than a relief of stress, because I tried really hard to be an adventurous eater, but the most adventurous I got was mandarin oranges. And even that was still a challenge as of last week when I was eating them not to cringe each time one went in my mouth.

And then in a week I will be driving to another state where there aren’t any days that I have friends.

I get to have a million friends here at church, and I never want to leave, because I go home to no friends.

In the past, I was still going home alone but it was a needed break after having friend time all day 6 days of the week and I was totally ready to go home and have Sunday all to myself. But then I became a big girl who doesn’t spend all her time at school anymore. I don’t like the real world. Actually, I probably do like the real world—I don’t like moving every five weeks and therefore not having friends at the place I spend most of my time. I miss going to work in the morning and having a million friends there and stuff.

Finally, two quotes that have been sitting on my list of ideas for a while.

“It’s like being on the 100th floor of a building with only stairs and needing to sign an important document. The problem is, all the pens are on the first floor. You know you need a pen, and you know how to use one, but when you’re up at the top, it’s difficult for you the access the pen and therefore, the skill of using it.”

I love this quote. I can’t remember where I found it or to what it was originally referring. I love the analogy. It is so true that sometimes I have the skills and knowledge but not the ability to use them. There are a lot of directions I could go with this. I think the biggest one that I run into on an unfortunately somewhat regular basis is in the arena of communication. Because I was a little late to the game in learning these things, a lot of the time I am completely at a loss as to how to handle things that are in that arena. I studied really hard on the mechanistics of conversation, but studying for one, didn’t tell me the details that I really needed, and two, flies out the window when I am faced with a situation that feels over my head, because I can’t really take five minutes working on my “correct response” to a friend’s wave or conversational comment. A lot of the time once the instance of needing to respond right now is over, I know exactly what the right thing to do would have been, but in the moment I was on the 100th floor, and the pen was on the first floor. I didn’t know how to get myself there.

“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

This quote was channeled from Kati Morton youtube’s best online therapist and just a really awesome and caring person whom I would love to meet in person some day…not in the context of therapy, but she is actually awesome enough that I could probably feel safe in therapy with her without a warm up period to make sure she wasn’t another one out to hurt me. She got the quote from Mark Suster who has adult ADHD. And probably child ADHD he just didn’t know about it yet.

Oh yeah. I hate the term damaged people. I just think it sounds kind of derogatory. Damaged things get discounted because they aren’t worth as much—no one will pay full price for damaged goods. The pain in my life doesn’t make me worth any less than anyone else. Being hurt deeply by someone doesn’t mean that I deserved it or was less than in any way. Fighting my way out of severe OCD, and social anxiety that bordered on selective mutism means that I do some things a little differently in life, but different isn’t wrong. Experiencing how people responded to the girl who was often on the sidelines but not often by choice gave me a lot of opportunity to learn how to do the same for others. I might not reach everyone, but I can reach someone. Like that starfish story, I might not be able to make a difference for each of the millions of people who need someone, each one counts. “It made a difference for that one.”

So anyway, the point is, at first I looked at that and was like, what?! As I thought about it, it is true. I totally do know that I can survive. I can’t be destroyed by hurtful words and actions or other adversity because I know I have made it through some pretty tough stuff (things way worse than anxiety disorders). I know I can survive. Bravery isn’t not being scared, it is doing it, scared. Because I know I can, I have developed tenacity and resilience. I still see more trees than forests, but I know when I see the tree that a forest is out there. Lol, speaking of forests and trees, I can recognize first that my rows of straightened chairs have a little zig and zag in them, but I can also recognize that when I walk into church I absolutely do not notice the chairs that aren’t quite straight until I see someone straightening them, because I don’t come to church for the chairs, I come to church for the people and to worship my wonderful Father. Doesn’t mean the church should look like a tornado came through, because in the eyes of a visitor that would probably be super confusing, but also doesn’t mean that I am a failure of a volunteer because I can’t make the chairs look perfect like everyone else does.

I got something the devil don’t want

(run devil run–David Crowder)

First off, I heard this song for the first time on the radio like yesterday…but it might have been the day before yesterday, which is very different from the day after tomorrow when the world freezes in a really cool way…but anyway, I loved it and y’all should look it up on youtube even though the video isn’t nearly as awesomesauce as the description of the video made it sound like it would be…

This section written yesterday:

Lol, I suppose from last night’s post, you can see A) how (not) well I do with staying up late and B) what it is like to occasionally have remnants of OCD come back…

Yep, I’m totally fine…I was exhausted because…you guessed it, I hadn’t slept in a while…funny how that works…

But I woke up in the morning still in need of more sleep, but otherwise just fine and no longer freaking out…and not sick…lol…

So: things I have the devil don’t want: OCD, and resilience. Oh, and God. The devil doesn’t want that either…

I love life…well, at least the times when I am not going off the deep end over something really stupid like that…

This section written today and totally unrelated aside from the fact that it is also written by me…

It is a lot of fun to be me sometimes…and embarrassing, but mostly fun. Last night after FCA when I was walking to my car, this guy with long black curly (or maybe dreddy I didn’t get  close look?) hair kinda laughed at me…which was embarrassing but also kind of a good thing, because I was so entertained by pressing the button for crossing the street that I had totally missed the fact that the light had turned green…if I hadn’t gotten laughed at I would probably still be standing there hanging out pressing the button…(mild exaggeration…but I was having enough fun I would have been there for a while).

Also there are some things I don’t like about school, which is probably true about anyone who is being honest…but one of the things I actually do like is that especially if I go South of school, I can walk wherever I want whenever I want and not worry about it being dark because I would guess that although I have never been awake at midnight to test this assumption that even at midnight it isn’t dark outside. I do know for sure that around 8-10pm it definitely is not dark. It is awesome first so that I don’t need to bring flashlights or anything like I used to bring to work with me a long time ago when I had to walk home in pitch black on Sunday nights, and also because people tell me it is dangerous to be outside in the dark…there might have been something about being alone in there, but the other thing about being in a big city is that you pretty much can’t be outside alone…there is ALWAYS someone else sharing the sidewalk with you.

Also, I learned this week that reading a church’s statement of faith is kind of important…so I decided I wanted to be in the car less than 10 minutes to get to whatever church I picked in the state I am moving to next. That meant that despite the promise of awesome treats, the church I picked out was on the ixnay. I was going back through my list of 2nd choices that hadn’t originally made the cut to be the one I was going to the first week. The one that was originally number two seemed super awesome…until I actually read the statement of faith…umm, yeah, all was well at first with statements that went way over my head and sounded nice and church-y…but then there was a statement that I read and went “um, pretty sure I actually understand that AND am 99.999% sure that it is NOT in the Bible.” So yeah…I guess having a really awesome logo which is how that one made the cut isn’t a good reason to pick a church.

So the one that is now number one doesn’t have a cool logo, but also doesn’t have weird stuff in the statement of faith. It also doesn’t promise me awesome treats, and doesn’t have a sample of their music to let me know if it is good okay or lousy, and doesn’t have much in the way of pictures or details at all, but it does meet the criteria of not being very far from the hospital (and therefore will be close to where I am living though I don’t have an address for that). Plus, the lead pastor’s cell phone number is on the “I’m new here” page and that made it seem like somewhere welcoming. So unless I come up with some new criteria or uncover something else I don’t like, I now (again) have picked a church for my next rotation.

Lol, I suppose if anyone has any ways to choose a church that don’t involve evaluating logos and treats which I realize are pretty superficial ways to pick, I am all ears…actually, that is not true. Regardless of whether or not anyone knows anything, I still have only two ears and also have a head, eyes, feet, arms, etc…I am definitely not ALL ears…LOL…

I wish I could just be in charge of the nursery at a church somewhere…’cause then it wouldn’t be a huge deal if the church was very good as long as they gave me enough latitude that I could love on infants…but something tells me people probably would prefer to have someone as a volunteer before putting them into a position of leadership whether formal or informal…particularly if said person moved into town that week…but seriously, I go through child withdrawal constantly and crave an infant in my arms…

Another option, I suppose, is if anyone wants a FREE babysitter so they can go on a date night or something and I can have some kid time…my age preference is the 5 and under crowd, particularly the birth to 6 months crowd, but I totally can (and have) been in charge of older kids…I just find it less rewarding as they get older…my happiest place is a room of infants where I am outnumbered (but not by so many as to make it stressful) and if anyone else is in the room then they are a good person to be around (AKA not someone who is super stressed out by there being one more kid than adult, and not a my-way-or-the-highway person).

Also, I poured my milk two hours ago and it is still sitting on my dresser, so it is time to stop writing and actually remember to hit post this time and then drink my milk, because it is not the shelf stable kind…

A Joyful Heart is Good

(Joyful Heart–Steve Green)

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So this picture doesn’t do justice to the sky whatsoever…but ya’know, it is a little difficult to take a good picture when you are literally holding a phone pointed towards the window and hitting the camera button while driving and watching for the correct exit to get off on. I would have probably still posted this and commented on how awesome the sunrise was even if all I had was a picture of my dashboard, so be glad that the camera was at least angled towards the window…

Oh my, the sky was so beautiful. It was super incredible. It totally made up for the fact that due to forgetting to plug the thing in before leaving for work, my computer was packed with a marginal amount of battery life left that made it about three songs before conking out…thankfully, a finger on the radio dial allowed me to have some kind of music most of the trip…just not the songs on my driving through (state) playlist…

Also, you are never too old for an apple sauce pouch…I’d say don’t judge, but you probably should, because although I do have some big kid food, I definitely also have a pumpkin and oats baby food pouch that came on the trip with me to be saved for a special day…it looked so good that I had to have it.

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I intentionally edited out most of my face…this one is blurry because the power was out and I didn’t really desire to go outside…

Also, I was super thrilled to get to hold a baby this morning. Yay!! I don’t usually get to do that when I am not at my real home! Also, speaking of babies, I saw a sign on the freeway that said “adoption is not God’s plan.” I’m not sure what those people are getting at, because I am fairly certain that adoption is exactly God’s plan…umm, he definitely adopted us into his family, and I do believe that he wants us to similarly open our arms. Anyway, the parents of the baby suggested that I go with them (they were on vacation) and I really wish I could say yes…but the whole point in coming here was to go on rotation here, and that isn’t really optional…

Also, yesterday I saw someone with tattooed on bra straps…most people try to hide their bra straps if possible, so I thought that was somewhat odd…

Also, yesterday I decided since I couldn’t remember how to actually sign up to volunteer at church that I would just show up and ask if any help was needed. I was super thrilled that they let me help even though they definitely didn’t really need more people helping…I had a great time!! And I found someone to sit by that I knew reasonably well, and I had a zillion conversations with people. It amazes me how many people that I barely know are willing to intentionally say hello to me and make conversation. It makes me feel really loved. It would be easy to ignore the awkward girl who doesn’t quite know how to fit in and is definitely still a learner in the area of communication, and it means so much to me when people are willing to take a minute to talk with me.

I have so many really wonderful friends that I am so thankful for at this church. It is easy-ish to love people when they are willing to be lemmings and accept everything you say without asking questions, but anyone who knows me knows that I am not a very good lemming. I sometimes ask questions, and I often don’t stop asking questions until I feel satisfied with the answer, so if the response sounds wishy washy or I just don’t get it I might ask again…on the other hand, the people-pleaser in me might go the other direction and do exactly as I am told because that is what I was told, and just make guesses rather than asking questions and hope that it works out. And that odd combo is why, for example, when I babysit, the house is often cleaner and more organized when I am done than when I started, but people aren’t likely to notice because the trash still needs to be taken out and the socks and utensils the toddler took into the living room are probably organized and socks folded, but still sitting in there…but anyway, I am so thankful for my friends.

I can’t jump in next to anybody. Let me jump right next to you.

(Motion—Plumb)

So yeah, I started writing this post about an hour after I posted my previous post…but I told myself to stop it because I don’t have time for that and because no one probably wants to read two posts from me in the same day, because this is not twitter…so I settled for short phrases describing each paragraph…which of course means I can now only interpret about half of what I was trying to say…but that’s okay, because I had so many more adventures in the intervening time!…yeah, you can either call things an epic fail or an adventure…

Look how much fun finals can be. A lot of stress toys can’t stand up to the way I play with them…hashtag RIP flour filled stress ball that I destroyed in about 10 minutes first year…that was fun to clean up…lol there is totally a clip in that video I referenced in my previous post where the girl had a squishy duck that she broke during the video…that was pretty funny…anyway, so I took apart this toy further than it was able to go back together, but it was even better this way, because I could create a hula water bottle…which is allowed during exams, whereas toys are not. It has, however, since been thrown out because I discovered that something sorta sticky means something that quickly gets disgusting…

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I was thinking in my copious spare time…okay fine, that is a lie, I don’t have spare time…while I was waiting with one hand under the faucet for the water to get moderately warm I was thinking about the two kinds of pride, cocky pride and self-minimizing pride. I really have no idea where I was going with that…but I guess since I brought it up I should note that I don’t think of myself as an overly prideful person, but I definitely lean towards the self-deprecating side when I do act pridefully. I can easily blame it on hearing so many times that I wasn’t worth anything, but in reality, even before I heard that, I wasn’t like a huge fan of myself or anything…

I had another title for this post based on the song Pinterest Parody by WUM, but then I decided that “hate hate hate” wouldn’t make a very appropriate title. “But my husband’s gonna hate hate hate hate hate hate the kitchen in this state state state state.” LOL…I love WUM. Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love. Be a lover and love the haters—but don’t expect to convert them into lovers…

Hiding is something I’ve realized I do a lot of. Like a toddler without object permanence, I cover my eyes or hide behind my computer screen or turn around—if I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist…I’m a child at heart…

So yesterday my church had a prayer event. Technically it also involved fasting, but I do not fast from anything during finals. I used to fast from food once a year for the Lakota Journey preparation and prayer night, so I know I can do it, but during finals is not a good time to take away my coping mechanism. Also, even though I did it because everyone else was, I didn’t really find it was anything more to me than a game, so I don’t think I really got any benefit…also, after I started finding control the only place I could during senior year of high school, food, because so much of my world was unstable, I decided that fasting from food was something I probably shouldn’t do, because it could too easily become dangerous. I’ve read too many stories where one innocent day of fasting or something similar paved the way for a quick onslaught of definite eating disorders, and I definitely don’t need to go down that path. I know that my past with OCD makes me vulnerable to eating disorders (in addition to contributing to disordered eating…), so I don’t need to do anything to invite them in. So anyway, I did the prayer part. It was interesting getting there…I got so lost…I got out my phone and tried really hard to turn on navigation. I wasn’t successful in getting it to talk to me, but I did find out it would be faster to park and walk than to actually drive there. Luckily I didn’t, because when the event ended it was pouring. So, now my soggy backpack and pencil bag are chilling on the floor in my apartment while the stuff I need for the day is in a pile on the floor near a gym bag…but parking further away IDK if my computer and phone could have survived the water…

The last words I said out loud before getting into bed would have been pretty endearing if I hadn’t finished the sentence. “I am very loved” with “and very wet.” I was totally disoriented as I walked towards the event and I suddenly started hearing people screaming my name and it was someone I knew and that was super cool…and I also met someone else who was apparently saying my name because the other person was. So yeah, that was kinda cool. And when I walked in I saw more friends who were also excited to see me. And one of them invited me to sit with her. And that was awesome. And I really shouldn’t start all my sentences with “and.” Two younger girls were sitting next to me. I’m kind of a bad influence because I am a softy (AKA pushover). When they ran out of space on their program to play tic tac toe I gave them more paper…and I didn’t stop them from doodling on themselves…or from going to the bathroom without shoes on…they were super sweet though. One girl asked me if I was a counselor and when I said I was not, she said hi not a counselor, I am also not a counselor and this is my friend not a counselor. I knew the girl’s name that I was talking to, but I was blanking on the other girl’s name so it was good her mom prompted her to introduce us using our actual names…because “hello not a counselor” would be a weird greeting when I see these people again in September…the girl who I knew decided she was coming home with me…yeah, good luck with that…you’re a great kid, but there won’t be room in my car, you probably don’t want to wake up in time to get in the car by 4:30, and I definitely don’t need to be responsible for getting a kid to school and back every day. I walked around waving to all my friends to say goodbye before realizing I needed to get myself home to sleep…anyway, on the positive side I love sleeping with wet hair.

Funny story about that. I took off most of my soaked clothes and hung them out to dry. I got in bed started putting on pajamas and checked the weather…and found out there was predicted to be a lot of hail…I wanted to just pray that the weather people were wrong like usual, but my parents didn’t like that idea, and $500 deductible was enough to get my tired self out of bed. An example of how my brain works (okay doesn’t work) without sleep. I packed my lunch box and a variety of random junk into my backpack, but didn’t bring any clothes, comb, or other useful items…I feel like a real college student now though, because for the first time I had a sleepover at school that didn’t involve a mattress. Although like most sleepovers it didn’t actually involve a lot of sleep, but it was still awesome…and a lot more restful than the night third year that did involve a mattress but also involved me in t-shirt and shorts with a really thin sweatshirt as my pillow and blanket in a room that was freezing cold because it was very winter and no one was living in there at the time so the thermostat was set to not waste energy…

I am so tired…on the positive side, I was functional enough to drive places without running into anything this morning…that would have been bad if I hadn’t…also, for the first time in a long time I actually got a shower at my apartment that was like real warm not lukewarm…

I think I should probably stop writing, because I feel like I am so tired that the coherency of my writing is probably going further and further downhill the longer I write…and probably there are better uses of my time like doing the things on my to do list than writing a blog post…which is not on my to do list…