Category Archives: church

Am I worthless? Am I filthy? Am I too far gone for a remedy?

(We As Human – Take the Bullets Away)

 

I’ve been living with the intense pain of grief for a long time…and before that the abuse…and long long before that the bullying. I know rejection. I know being unwanted. And so many other hard things life has thrown in my path. I am familiar with pain, but it seems to follow me and want cuddles like a small naughty puppy that I can’t get rid of. It doesn’t feel like there is a way out. I tried to create a timeline of when I could get back to my dreams. It was good to try to create an end to work towards, but even on the more magical completely unrealistic timeline, I still will be fighting through this for another year…and if we’re being really honest, even if we pretend this timeline is practical (it’s not) I am not naïve enough to believe the pain will completely disappear upon starting a new path. Sure, it will likely be super helpful, but it won’t be like flipping a switch. It won’t remove the previous rejection and wipe the slate clean. The more realistic timeline is a minimum of two years. The idea of holding on that long is overwhelming.

 

It is hard not knowing why no one wants me. It is hard feeling so much rejection. It is confusing to be chosen for a big girl position even over people with experience when I was rejected from all the transition roles I tried to get, especially when the same organization didn’t even give me an on-site interview for the residency to which I applied. It is hard hearing people tell me how great I am and then rejecting me later. I’d rather you were just honest and said hey we don’t like you instead of leading me on just to let me be crushed later. I’d rather instead of being polite you told me what was wrong with me so that I could change and improve. Am I so worthless that I do not even deserve the respect of being told the truth? Am I really so lousy that there is nothing I could do to even be close to good enough? And why doesn’t God love me enough to finally just say yes to one of my prayers and let me leave this pain? It is hard to reconcile this pain and God’s power with the goodness all-knowingness of God.

 

I’ve heard that when a Christian woman wakes up in the morning the devil says “oh no, she’s up again.” It’s not just the devil thinking that when I get up. It’s me too. God doesn’t seem to ever want the same things that I want. I keep crying and praying that God will take me home because I can’t take this pain. I can’t keep living like this…and God keeps saying no. I know God cares and I know God loves me, but it is really hard to understand how it could really be love to leave me here. It hurts so much. Why won’t God take me to forever home where I don’t have to deal with this? I have already struggled so long and I don’t want to keep fighting. I want to go home. When the bravest thing you do every day is get up and keep going, it is hard to keep up with life. I FINALLY got my authorization to test from the Board of Pharmacy…and I know that just trying to make it day to day has drained so much of my energy that I really haven’t put nearly enough into studying…and since it took so long to get the authorization, I probably only have one chance before my job gets taken away. I feel like I am probably going to fail…then I’ll have nothing but an expensive apartment in a city where I don’t have any close friends…

 

But I keep fighting. I keep trying. I get home and my ears hurt from the multiple media sources at full volume to which I am listening as I drive to minimize the tears so I can see where I am going to get home…because I can pretend life is awesome or at least tolerable when I’m with people…but put me alone in a car and it is very possible I will struggle – time alone with my thoughts and emotions, kinda trapped there. So especially if I’ve been reminded of the pain I am pretending doesn’t exist prior to getting in, I am likely to have a hard time. Grief doesn’t have a calendar. Grief doesn’t know that it has been over three months and is time to give me a break. Grief doesn’t have empathy. Grief doesn’t know I am exhausted and just want to be able to move on and have this whole thing disappear.

 

How am I? I’m doing the best that I can. I know the basics of life enough to know what I need…and God has been doing good things even if he didn’t give me what I want. I usually burn practically just by thinking about going outside, but I didn’t wear sunscreen and biked to my friend’s house and back last week and the burns were pretty mild. Yesterday, I did put on a little sunscreen but was outside about 4 hours (biked around 40 miles) and didn’t reapply…lol, you can look at my hands and see exactly where there was zero sunscreen on though…but anyway, last night I knew I was on the border of being too dehydrated (vs just dehydrated enough to mute some of the pain and tears as long as there aren’t any reminders). So I gave myself two choices: water or ice cream…I didn’t want either, but the trying to be a good girl half of me was stubborn long enough to win, and I did eventually pick one of the options…picking nothing seemed so much easier, but that wasn’t one of the choices. Protip: ice cream is always the answer. No, ice cream didn’t solve my problems and I was too far gone for the sugar to help pull me back in, but at least it did kinda sorta make me feel a little better about myself because I was also getting calories in at the same time…

 

There is a long road in front of me. Soon I will be moving a couple hours away and be even more alone. I am thankful that I make friends easily, but worried because I can’t exactly expect someone I just met to support me the way that the friends I have made over multiple years have…and I can’t expect to immediately be invited into other people’s circle of friends as the new girl. It is hard being new. Some people are willing to let you join their friend group, but other people are like the girls in my grade at the new church who never really let me join their clique. Sure, the moms sometimes tried to invite me, and sometimes I tried to push myself into their circle, but I wasn’t dumb, I knew that most of them really didn’t want me there and it was easier for them to preserve their little friend bubble by writing me off and keeping me out of the circle. I probably should have asked to join the girls in the grade above me who were a lot more welcoming and had already invited me in…but when I had the opportunity I was still in denial that I couldn’t just go back in time and make this whole nightmare end so besides the fear of using my words to ask or even of having someone ask for me, I denied that because I didn’t want to admit that I would be there long enough for it to matter. It wasn’t until almost my senior year when I finally let go and realized that this was for real and wasn’t changing any time soon…and by then the girls in the grade above me were graduating and moving on. They invited me to the grads group, but that didn’t solve the Sunday morning problem. (But the grads group was a lot better place for me than youth group ever was. Smaller and more inclusive was super helpful for me…no one cared that I was the farthest behind academically…it was awesome until the rest of my class joined and it gradually became more and more exclusive…a few years later I took my brother and he noted that every time he said anything it was as if he hadn’t said anything but the person next to him could say the exact same thing and people would respond. I hadn’t really noticed much because I didn’t talk much anyway, but it is definitely true. They would express excitement that someone new was there and then completely ignore whomever was not in their little friend group). Lol…all that to say that I appreciate however much my friends are willing to tolerate me while I am a lousy friend in return, and I do know how blessed I am and that having friends like this is nothing to be taken lightly.

couch

Speaking of my new place, last week I bought this couch (yes and the pillows in the picture)…might not have gotten the best deal of anything, but it is red and the place I am getting it from seemed to have a super flexible delivery plan which is helpful not immediately knowing when I’ll be available to receive the delivery…

Like Life is Only Pain

(Britt Nicole – World That Breaks)

Life still feels like I am stuck in a tornado holding on as tight as I can to keep from flying backwards in the wind. Everything still feels like it is spinning around me.

I tried something different this weekend. Usually I do applying for jobs on Sundays because it is so hard emotionally that I don’t want it to overshadow the goodness of being at church…not to mention that it is certainly an element of avoiding the excess of pain that comes with trying to work on applying.

Since the weather was nice. I decided to walk to church. Since walking has helped me a little in containing my emotions…not as much as rollerblading and biking did for me, but certainly something, I decided maybe the pain would be more manageable if I could break it up between both days of the weekend. So yesterday I worked on letters of intent, then walked to church to help calm down. Today I will do the actual application part. I think it helped so the emotion wasn’t AS overwhelming, but I can’t keep doing things like this. I really need to be able to study and do other things besides laying in front of the computer working on applying for jobs.

Speaking of walking to church, it was a bit of a wake up call last night. Physically so many things are getting a lot better…but certainly I am not out of the woods. I got halfway to church before stopping while waiting to cross the street and adjusting my sock. The sock seemed stuck so I pulled a little and it was itchy so I figured maybe there was a leaf or rock or something in my shoe or stuck to my sock…I checked and found that my sock was stapled to my foot. My best guess is that perhaps I had some staples in my pocket last time I did laundry and one got stuck in my sock and then stuck itself into my foot when I put the sock on my foot and my foot in my shoe. It is certainly not good if I don’t notice a staple in my foot before walking over a mile. I obviously took the staple out, and at least thought about a bandaid…it is frustrating that I can feel so much emotional pain that physical pain is covered instead of covering it up. Luckily, the bottom of my sock was stained enough that the blood wasn’t noticeable enough to make me feel like I need to wash the socks.

The end of last night’s sermon was convicting. He was talking about how worth is defined as how much someone is willing to pay, and so how much are we worth if God was willing to pay for us with his son, and he was recounting a conversation with someone who had survived tragedy and said “you made it because God has a purpose for your life.” I’ve continued praying for God to take me to forever home because this hurts too much…but I’ve continued to survive. It is hard to believe there is any reason for this pain. It hurts so much. It feels like I am underwater drowning every day trying so hard yet failing to get to the edge to be able to pull myself up and get another breath. It is a crushing pain drowning out the joy in life.

To be honest, I am writing right now because I should be applying and doing this feels like I am doing something kinda sorta productive, gives me a reason to not face applying, because that hurts so much. I know I need to do it, but just writing these words thinking about it makes the pain of loss so intense. It is so difficult.

But I do know how to take care of myself. On the way home, someone stopped, honked at me, and waved me over. I went to see what he wanted, and he said “Hey, come ride with me.” Although I was starting to notice that I hadn’t brought sunscreen with me and was starting to burn, I also knew that getting into a car with a man whom I had never seen before in my life and whom I had no context for meeting was not going to put me into a situation that made me feel comfortable. I said no thank you and I moved on.

I am proud. My roommates left me with an overflowing trash can that smelled awful. I left it alone a day hoping that someone else would empty it since I had barely used it, but it became obvious that no one else was going to take responsibility. Taking out the trash (even my own trash sometimes) is something with which I still struggle. To take out the trash I not only had to touch the trash bag, but also clean up the excessive trash overflowing out of the trash can. I was overwhelmed. Luckily, I was desperate enough to look everywhere first to see if I could find anything to help me…what I found was two gloves. I managed to complete the task one handed so that one glove could be preserved in case I needed it. I mean, I did not follow the direction of tying off the bag, because I couldn’t do that one handed, but technically the directions said to use a bag that could be tied, not that you actually had to tie it…semantics…I can and will use them to my advantage when in that type of situation. Now I feel frustrated, because to prevent having to do that again I didn’t put a new trash bag in the trash can, assuming that without a bag people would throw their trash into their own trash cans. Yeah, silly me. Instead, they are throwing disgusting trash into the trash can without a bag which will make it even more difficult to get rid of it. Luckily it is a trash can that belongs to the school that they forgot to remove when converting these rooms back from temporary offices to dorms and isn’t a trash can I was planning on bringing home, but I feel really frustrated. Your mommy doesn’t live here. Clean up after yourself. I mean, it is kind of like how between me and the two other girls in my bedroom, I was the only one who brought soap…like did you not think that you might need to wash your hands or body while you were here? Perhaps a little self-centered but instead of offering to share I suggested that they use their shampoo as soap. My guess would be that I am also the only one who brought cleaning supplies.

I think I probably can’t delay the inevitable any longer and need to start actually applying for jobs…

The best laid plans can go upside down if that’s lady luck’s intent

 

(Accidents Happen – Thomas and Friends)

 

Things don’t always go how they go inside my head.

 

I was going to do a video with a teacher…instead I got pulled into a meeting about background checks and discovered that it is finally going to be a lot less expensive for students now than it has been for me. Then I got pulled into helping with looking through preceptor of the year awards.

 

I got out of my last event of the day super early and I had the great idea that I would go swing on a swingset….umm…yeah…it was thunderstorming and I didn’t get very far on my way to my car before I realized swinging in a thunderstorm was a Very Bad Idea.

 

So instead I decided to go find someone to talk to…except everyone was busy…

 

It is easy to forget me…especially when I never made it known I needed anything…

 

But some things do go right. Sometimes God answers prayer with yes. There was a garbage truck that happened to turn onto the road in front of me. Oh c**p oh c**p oh c**p are the last words coming out of my mouth before trying to hold my breath as long as possible…then I forced myself to breathe while thinking about if there was anywhere I could get some bleach and clean myself and all my things. And I was frustrated because clearly if I can barely touch the steering wheel while I drive because everything is contaminated then eating is going to be super difficult…so I did the only thing left to do. I prayed my heart out the rest of the way to school…usually I’m also singing myself songs (usually inside my head…), but not today, and shortly after getting to school I was actually doing okay again!! Maybe I don’t have a job and I’m still alive because I’m not a good enough Christian.

 

I’ve been listening to the book “In the Water they can’t see you cry.” As a former swimmer and loving the title SO much, it was totally worth the fact that it was like 10 hours long. Amanda Beard was the topic of my french paper in seventh grade. I was a little disappointed at first because the book wasn’t like I thought it would be, but it actually is pretty good. It is so familiar that I feel like I’ve read it before in like actual words, but I’m pretty sure based on the publication date that I haven’t read it before…I suppose there is probably a good chance that the majority of the story I read from the Splash magazines a little at a time. I read those things religiously cover to cover until they stopped coming. Anyway, I am so glad I read the book this week. It was something I could totally connect with. Someone else who had very similar problems to my own and experienced it similarly…and she got through it and ended up with a BABY!! Mostly it was just me having someone to commiserate with who wasn’t going to be overwhelmed or anything seeing as how it was only a person on a recording, but there were tiny bits of hope that if she could do it maybe I could too.

 

Sometimes life is frustrating. I wanted to go to yoga today. I had lab until 6:30, so even worst case scenario I’d make it to the second half. Then the teacher for the class I had before lab said unless I wanted to be in class that I might as well leave because there wasn’t going to be anything useful for me in class. I took that invitation and left. I probably should have done something useful with my life, but instead I went on a walk…a five-mile walk. Yeah…that was stupid. And that is why I am unable to go to yoga. I don’t think it is safe for me to be there. Either it will be slow stretching yoga in which case I will be tempted to pretend I am totally able to do what everyone else seemingly can and intentionally do things that will leave me in physical pain to drown some of the emotional pain, or it will be some type of fitness yoga that will similarly be bad for me because I really shouldn’t be doing anything that is going to burn extra calories when I am trying to gain weight…especially seeing as how I am already having trouble with my dinner today. I was super efficient in lab moving people around and grading papers and alphabetizing at top speed so that I’d have plenty of time and I was pretty proud of myself for finishing at 5pm. But then I realized that it wasn’t a good idea to go to yoga. But I also couldn’t go home. I already said I wasn’t going to be home for dinner and it is always awkward when I say that then show up at home…especially because a lot of times dinner when I’m not there is fish and so people feel bad that I can’t eat with them, because that is one of the things they are aware that I do not eat. Besides, I had enough food for two meals in my lunch box and extra snacks in my car. So I started getting dinner ready, but I didn’t really want to eat it. So I went to my happy place so that I wouldn’t be tempted to show up to show up at yoga. Now I am trying really hard to finish dinner. It is frustrating, because I feel like I should be over this by now. But I’m still struggling. How long does this last? I’m tired of holding on.

 

Umm yeah…so we’ll just end with some good lyrics:

“When does a scar become a tattoo? When does the sky turn back to blue? When will this heart that’s broken and bleeding beat again? When do I stop feeling this burn? When will it stop? When will I learn?…I’m right here, standing in the pouring rain; tick tock hours all feel the same.” (Say your name – Plumb)

That’s why God made tears

(Tears – Matt Hammitt)

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t do it. I am tired. I am tired of success being measured by how long it’s been since crying in front of someone and how difficult it is to eat and drink. I am just so tired. Sure, today was a big success because I made it through church and only almost got caught crying. I found a quiet corner at church to cry then made it to my car to really fall apart…and I know I can’t yet safely drive home which is why I am in an outside corner on my own trying to calm and hide my emotion enough to safely bring myself home. I want to be happy. I want to be good enough. I really just want anything but this. I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough. Sure, I’m eating and drinking. Sure, sleep is getting a little better. Sure, I am not crying in front of people…but the pain is still there. The pain still tears me apart. I can’t. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay while I die on the inside.

On the outside I laugh and smile like everything is cool. I pretend it is funny that I have seven tubes of toothpaste but no headphones and no jacket. I pretend it is funny I wrapped a towel around myself instead of using an umbrella because it didn’t occur to me I might need one until I was driving through pouring rain and didn’t want to turn around.

It has rained all week, and the rain reflects what’s on the inside. Does this ever get easier? Does the rain ever end? Will there ever be a rainbow marking the end of the hard season?

Science says that tears cleanse the body to physically improve emotionally well being, so you’d think with all these tears I’d be rocking it by now, but instead I’m still here, still crying…My bracelet says I’m strong. I don’t know. If I were strong wouldn’t I be able to not have car seats wet with tears?

I keep going to church partly because I have friends there and partly because the radio has always told me to fake it until I make it, to when you’re not sure anymore what you believe to keep listening and let the words pour over your soul until you can believe them again. So far though, it is hard. It is one more place to put on a smile and pretend that life is awesome. Pretend I want to be alive. It is hard to see everyone having a good time and talking about how awesome God is when I still feel like God doesn’t care. I know that by surrounding myself with the truth it might help getting the truth to sink in, but I’m still struggling. I want to believe God is good. I want to believe God cares. I want to believe God has a plan for good. I want to believe that God won’t throw me away, but after over two weeks of pain that doesn’t seem like it will ever end it is hard. Sure, I’ve gotten a new close friend out each of the two biggest bad things that happened before this, but I have a lot of friends and as much as I love each and every one of them, I’d have rather found them in joy or even had one fewer friend than have to go through this pain to have them. Besides, if I can make awesome friends without having so much pain in the process then what is the point in going through all the pain for another friend? It hurts too much. I can’t do this.

Also, totally unrelated, but I have under a month now until I am functionally homeless…and I haven’t really looked very hard for somewhere to stay. I mean, I kinda tried. I checked into if I could live in the res hall at school and the answer was no…but beyond that as far as I’ve gotten is maybe I should look up directions to Walmart…yeah, my friend probably shouldn’t have told me about how easy it is to just park in a Walmart parking lot to sleep and find places with free showers when traveling…it seems way more overwhelming to find somewhere to live and move again than to just live at Walmart. I know when the time comes to move out I will likely feel differently, and I know my parents would not be happy to find out I was living in the Walmart parking lot, but right now I just don’t have the energy to put into looking for a place to stay…and with that, it is time to get some sleep and then do some homework and start working on figuring out where I am living next…

what do I have that I wouldn’t lose?

(Heart Like You – Love and the Outcome)

grateful-for-pdf-nitro-reader-3
hashtag I know the picture isn’t totally centered on the background…I had issues trying to get the picture to even show up in the post…
  1. Well, I don’t post names except of online friends…which means it isn’t cheating to just say that I am super thankful for my friends. I texted a couple of them yesterday, but there are so many others that are not any less important to me…just that I picked a couple to express my thanks then got distracted.
  2.  I have been learning to eat a lot of things that I’d usually reject. I can even do it without cringing. It makes life around the dinner table a lot easier.

3. skittles. yum. (but seriously, as much as I love them, I have 5 lbs of them left at the moment and my clothes haven’t grown with my waistline).

4. meeting my best friend’s baby at only a handful of days old. Can I cheat and have a second thing: having a picnic with my best friend this summer. What can I say? People are important to me…both the children and the community.

5. My new sweatshirt jacket with thumb holes. I’ve never had a shirt with thumbholes before and I love it so much.

6. I was worried about having somewhere to sleep at night this year. I have had a place to stay every night, and probably will continue to have a place to sleep.

7. I am resilient. I haven’t let huge obstacles keep me from my ultimate dream. Perhaps some of the midpoint goals and desires have been forfeited, but the biggest goal still has the potential to come true (pediatric critical care pharmacy, here I come).

8. I am never not enough. I am always exactly who I was made to be, and that is enough.

9. I graduate in 170 days. I will be free!!!!! I’ve been looking forward to this day for almost two and a half years now.

10. I may have initially resented the comment by Certain Someone that I would probably only ever fit in at church (the implication being because those people are more accepting than the general population) because it was a way of telling me I wasn’t good enough and a way to belittle my firmly held religious beliefs. After three years to get over it and to experience more of the world, I am thankful that I do belong at church. I fit in not because no one else would want me–in fact I make friends easily and I do have friends with beliefs that differ from mine and even friends with no religious beliefs…but it is because these people are different that I fit in. These are people that truly love their neighbor and are willing to show compassion and consistently show kindness to a girl whose ability to trust was shattered. These are people willing to take the time to see past the everything is awesome façade to see that sometimes I’m so busy filling everyone else’s bucket that I’ve convinced myself mine doesn’t matter. These are people who, like Jesus, saw me lonely and invited me in, saw me scared and comforted me. I will never forget one of the first times as a fourth year I let my fear show and instead of being shamed and threatened and manipulated, was surprised to be met with kindness and concern…I was still scared enough that I chewed on my towel in front of a bunch of people, but that’s not the point. The point is that God has used his church to surround me with people who show me what it means to be loved, even in places where I walk in knowing no one.

 

 

I saw me through your eyes

(through your eyes–Britt Nicole)

It might not make sense all of my choices, but sometimes there is a definite method to my madness.

See, I heated up my lunch and then realized I hadn’t brought a spoon or fork or anything with me with which to eat it. I couldn’t find anyone who had one I could borrow. I had eggs so I couldn’t really use my hands or really an inverted plastic bag either. I needed to eat, so plan A was to go hang out with a friend and borrow a spoon there. That didn’t work when the friend wasn’t available and it didn’t feel right to just go help myself to a spoon at church without any reason to be there. Plan B was to go to school, get a spoon, then study there. That plan was definitely not a good one. I did get a spoon and eat, but staying was not going to work. First, I couldn’t stop running into and talking to people. Second, I didn’t really feel safe so even when I was sitting down, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get anything done. After being away for a while the idea of being back at school during the day just is too hard for me. Evenings are okay because the probability of having a problem are so much lower, but during the day just wasn’t going to be good for me. I’ll have to tackle that later when I do a teaching rotation, but for now I can distance myself which is safer anyway.

So I settled on plan C: go to church and just hang out outside doing homework. It worked out reasonably well. I didn’t get All The Things done, but that wasn’t going to happen anywhere. I did realize that I apparently have no more bandaids in my lunch box, but I did find a “moist towelette” in my car that sufficiently cleaned up the blood when I tried to swing but managed to completely miss the swing and land on my bottom and my ankle.

I didn’t expect to see anyone, because there is a very short list of people that I feel comfortable texting in the middle of the day or just appearing to see, but just being at church is a safe place for me. I also actually did get to see one of my friends, and it made my day!! I wish I could have a work from home afternoon every afternoon!! Also, I wish I were in one place long enough to volunteer at the counseling center. I feel like even though I probably could get there this mod in enough time to have a few hours there in the evening that it wouldn’t really be good. It would be WONDERFUL for me, but for the clients I feel like it might not because in my opinion, consistency is probably more important than someone to greet you when you walk in the door. Maybe I’m wrong…but anyway, I loved being over there and it made me really miss even more all the people I had to say goodbye to back in May. Those people were some of the most amazing people I know…hmm, perhaps what that actually means is that I need to just take the risk of being annoying and just ask people if they want to catch up with me for a few minutes.

Where I studied was also pretty awesome because I could take a walk after every few pages read to use up some energy without people staring at me. That works out really well so I can sit still and focus better…and so that I am not so annoyed when the traffic is ridiculous coming home. I might have to add going on a walk to an every time I’m going to have to get into the car when I don’t wanna, because usually I feel really cooped up which makes me feel frustrated when traffic is bad. This time I was able to stay calm enough to realize that some people are very respectful and polite and others act like jerks. I also could think logically that I’ll get there when I get there and as long as the average rate is over 10mph then I’m going faster than I could bike.

every little thing

(Giants Fall—francesca battistelli)

Sometimes you just gotta take a weekend to relax and be stupid…So…the house I am in has completely separate heating and cooling systems…which means if I am messing around and turn the heat one way up but leave the cooling one alone it’ll get really warm by my bed against where the heat comes out in my room, and most of the house’ll stay pretty much the same temperature, but the bathroom and kitchen where there are no heat vents will be freezing because the cooling will be going crazy trying to keep up with the heat. Yeah…someone designed this house so there is cooling in every room, but heat only in the bedrooms and living room.

Today is apparently my WordPress anniversary…wordpress alerted me to that about an hour and a half ago…I feel like I should celebrate or something…too tired though…plus, I’ve been stuffing my face with snacks and candy and stuff all day trying to stay awake and hold myself over until meal times and really the only way I know how to celebrate is to shove good food in my face…

Have I mentioned how much I hate daylight savings…see, the clock said three, but my stomach said 5 and therefore way past time to eat, so I had a ridiculous amount of snacks and candy trying to wait until a more normal time to eat…also since staying up late is super hard for me, it means that the transition is really hard, because while I don’t bother changing my schedule much when I change time zones, I do for daylight savings since for one, it lasts half a year, and for two, it is hard enough to adapt to a world of night owls as an early bird without becoming an even earlier bird. Going to bed at 7 and getting up at 3 doesn’t work in the real world, and even once I leave this time zone, going to bed at 8 and getting up at 4 isn’t a long term solution—especially considering how many events I already attend that keep me up late. So anyway, even though I am over-tired and crabby for a while, it is better in the longterm for now to change with the clock…just sayin’ that I didn’t sign up to vote this year, and even if I had I wouldn’t be voting for Hillary or Trump, because both of them seem kinda wacked out, (Gary Johnson would have been my vote because he at least is pretty normal and since he doesn’t really have much of a partisan backing he won’t be able to do anything unless it is actually a good idea). If one of them was going to get rid of all these dumb clock changes though, I would make sure I found a way to vote. I hate losing an hour in the spring because I feel cheated out of my study time, but in all honestly, I probably lose more than an hour in the fall because it is so hard for me to adjust to staying up an extra hour later. Actually, I don’t “probably” lose more than an hour, I definitely lose more than an hour. I tried to make the change Saturday night instead of Sunday morning in hopes of being at least marginally more adjusted and less exhausted by Monday, and because I do so poorly with staying up late, I used up most if not all of the hour this morning attempting to sleep in because I was too tired to get up…I still wake up way too early, but now it is even longer to wait before it is a normal waking time…not fun…and since I need about three times as long or so in the morning to make up for staying up late, that is even longer to wait…whoever invented all these clock changes was an idiot.

Anyway, I was reading the back of a bottle of sanitizer and there was a warning that if used on the floor it might be slippery while wet…hahaha…no kidding…

Also, the song “wouldn’t want me” by the wonderful Stephanie Pauline has been on my mind. Such powerful imagery. Also, I drew a really awesome picture of a park bench on my church bulletin this morning. I was really proud of myself and am considering whether I should cut it out and put it in my journal 🙂

I could tell she’d been a beauty as far as beauties go, long before the light had ever left her soul

Hey! Do you want to go to heaven? Do you want to be set free?

She just looked at me and said with a smile, God wouldn’t want me. She thought, God wouldn’t want me.

Maybe God wants me yet.

If I told you my story you would hear life

(My story–Big daddy weave)

Two stories from this weekend:

Story 1: You know, I never expected the service part of going to church to ever be terrifying. I really like how friendly everyone is at the church, so I don’t intend to leave over it, but that was not a comfortable experience.

So everything was going okay…awkward pre-service community time that is honestly a hard part of church for me even at my home churches which is a piece of why I prefer to serve at every service at my home churches…then worship…you know, all the usual pieces of going to church…

Until they stop worship and ask people to come up if they want to heal people or teach people or just know Jesus more. Although, I mean, I would endorse those goals, something held me back from going up even though seriously 90% of the church was up there. It was a little frustrating at first because it felt like anxiety coming back, but as I saw what was going on up there, I realized it was really God protecting me.

There were a couple of people up there touching everyone’s faces. It wasn’t like a quick touch, but like a multiple minute thing. I have no problem with physical touch, and I am even okay with people touching my hair, but my face has a personal bubble. Maybe it is just me, but there are very few situations in which it would feel okay for someone to touch my face. It isn’t even a germ issue—just a personal space issue.

And it became terrifying when they stopped to announce what they were doing and it looked like they were going to do it to everyone instead of just the people up front. Luckily that was not the case and I escaped unharmed, but for a while I was questioning whether this was some kind of cult and if it would be safe to come back again next week.

If it weren’t for how friendly they were, I would be so outta there, but since they won my heart first, I am willing to overlook a really strange occurrence and just make sure I assert my needs if anyone tries to invade my personal bubble.

 

Story 2: I had an experience of feeling anger about someone’s depiction of OCD today. There is one particular blogger who I know will rile me up (because she has never had OCD and is not any kind of mental health professional yet writes as if she knows everything about it and how to appropriately treat it, but very much does not) so I don’t read that one, but this was just some random person on The Mighty and seemed like it’d be good—looked like a blog on building community to bash stigma…all was well and good until I got to the last paragraph where the author states his/her child climbed a tree, and doing that cured him. Really, I guess it was jealousy—perhaps it worked for her kid, but I doubt it is a solution that will cure many (if any) other people. If only it were that easy. I was angry that she would spread the concept that freedom is so easy when for me, it wasn’t so easy…so in other words, I was basically a hypocrite because I claim that I think everyone’s story matters….except apparently the ones that are too easy. Fail.

Live and learn?

And the last words you’ll hear tonight will be ‘I love you.’ Love takes us all of a lifetime to tell

(For he grants sleep to those he loves—Michael Card)

(written at church as an excuse to stay where I feel loved a little longer…posted at home after using the drive time to make sure I wasn’t posting something that was going to get me into trouble later)

I’m not as think as you dumb I am…lol

So last night I wrote on my to do list, “directions.” This morning I saw that and was like no problem, I totally know where I am going, I probably just was super tired and needed to remind myself to bring my directions notebook to my car in case I need it.

Lol, story of my life, as it turns out, I remembered why that was on my list about the same time that I noticed the “road closed” sign. Oh no…so yeah…and that is how I got lost…and how I ended up running down the sidewalks as I realized that I had parked a mile away from where I was currently sitting and could not apparate into the drivers seat…

Luckily, I miscalculated how long it took to get to church from where I was parked, and it worked out. All is well that ends well.

Except, now I should leave church, but leaving is hard because I have friends Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday, but Sunday and Monday and Wednesday and Friday I am alone. I know that changes starting tomorrow, but that is more stressful than a relief of stress, because I tried really hard to be an adventurous eater, but the most adventurous I got was mandarin oranges. And even that was still a challenge as of last week when I was eating them not to cringe each time one went in my mouth.

And then in a week I will be driving to another state where there aren’t any days that I have friends.

I get to have a million friends here at church, and I never want to leave, because I go home to no friends.

In the past, I was still going home alone but it was a needed break after having friend time all day 6 days of the week and I was totally ready to go home and have Sunday all to myself. But then I became a big girl who doesn’t spend all her time at school anymore. I don’t like the real world. Actually, I probably do like the real world—I don’t like moving every five weeks and therefore not having friends at the place I spend most of my time. I miss going to work in the morning and having a million friends there and stuff.

Finally, two quotes that have been sitting on my list of ideas for a while.

“It’s like being on the 100th floor of a building with only stairs and needing to sign an important document. The problem is, all the pens are on the first floor. You know you need a pen, and you know how to use one, but when you’re up at the top, it’s difficult for you the access the pen and therefore, the skill of using it.”

I love this quote. I can’t remember where I found it or to what it was originally referring. I love the analogy. It is so true that sometimes I have the skills and knowledge but not the ability to use them. There are a lot of directions I could go with this. I think the biggest one that I run into on an unfortunately somewhat regular basis is in the arena of communication. Because I was a little late to the game in learning these things, a lot of the time I am completely at a loss as to how to handle things that are in that arena. I studied really hard on the mechanistics of conversation, but studying for one, didn’t tell me the details that I really needed, and two, flies out the window when I am faced with a situation that feels over my head, because I can’t really take five minutes working on my “correct response” to a friend’s wave or conversational comment. A lot of the time once the instance of needing to respond right now is over, I know exactly what the right thing to do would have been, but in the moment I was on the 100th floor, and the pen was on the first floor. I didn’t know how to get myself there.

“Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

This quote was channeled from Kati Morton youtube’s best online therapist and just a really awesome and caring person whom I would love to meet in person some day…not in the context of therapy, but she is actually awesome enough that I could probably feel safe in therapy with her without a warm up period to make sure she wasn’t another one out to hurt me. She got the quote from Mark Suster who has adult ADHD. And probably child ADHD he just didn’t know about it yet.

Oh yeah. I hate the term damaged people. I just think it sounds kind of derogatory. Damaged things get discounted because they aren’t worth as much—no one will pay full price for damaged goods. The pain in my life doesn’t make me worth any less than anyone else. Being hurt deeply by someone doesn’t mean that I deserved it or was less than in any way. Fighting my way out of severe OCD, and social anxiety that bordered on selective mutism means that I do some things a little differently in life, but different isn’t wrong. Experiencing how people responded to the girl who was often on the sidelines but not often by choice gave me a lot of opportunity to learn how to do the same for others. I might not reach everyone, but I can reach someone. Like that starfish story, I might not be able to make a difference for each of the millions of people who need someone, each one counts. “It made a difference for that one.”

So anyway, the point is, at first I looked at that and was like, what?! As I thought about it, it is true. I totally do know that I can survive. I can’t be destroyed by hurtful words and actions or other adversity because I know I have made it through some pretty tough stuff (things way worse than anxiety disorders). I know I can survive. Bravery isn’t not being scared, it is doing it, scared. Because I know I can, I have developed tenacity and resilience. I still see more trees than forests, but I know when I see the tree that a forest is out there. Lol, speaking of forests and trees, I can recognize first that my rows of straightened chairs have a little zig and zag in them, but I can also recognize that when I walk into church I absolutely do not notice the chairs that aren’t quite straight until I see someone straightening them, because I don’t come to church for the chairs, I come to church for the people and to worship my wonderful Father. Doesn’t mean the church should look like a tornado came through, because in the eyes of a visitor that would probably be super confusing, but also doesn’t mean that I am a failure of a volunteer because I can’t make the chairs look perfect like everyone else does.

I got something the devil don’t want

(run devil run–David Crowder)

First off, I heard this song for the first time on the radio like yesterday…but it might have been the day before yesterday, which is very different from the day after tomorrow when the world freezes in a really cool way…but anyway, I loved it and y’all should look it up on youtube even though the video isn’t nearly as awesomesauce as the description of the video made it sound like it would be…

This section written yesterday:

Lol, I suppose from last night’s post, you can see A) how (not) well I do with staying up late and B) what it is like to occasionally have remnants of OCD come back…

Yep, I’m totally fine…I was exhausted because…you guessed it, I hadn’t slept in a while…funny how that works…

But I woke up in the morning still in need of more sleep, but otherwise just fine and no longer freaking out…and not sick…lol…

So: things I have the devil don’t want: OCD, and resilience. Oh, and God. The devil doesn’t want that either…

I love life…well, at least the times when I am not going off the deep end over something really stupid like that…

This section written today and totally unrelated aside from the fact that it is also written by me…

It is a lot of fun to be me sometimes…and embarrassing, but mostly fun. Last night after FCA when I was walking to my car, this guy with long black curly (or maybe dreddy I didn’t get  close look?) hair kinda laughed at me…which was embarrassing but also kind of a good thing, because I was so entertained by pressing the button for crossing the street that I had totally missed the fact that the light had turned green…if I hadn’t gotten laughed at I would probably still be standing there hanging out pressing the button…(mild exaggeration…but I was having enough fun I would have been there for a while).

Also there are some things I don’t like about school, which is probably true about anyone who is being honest…but one of the things I actually do like is that especially if I go South of school, I can walk wherever I want whenever I want and not worry about it being dark because I would guess that although I have never been awake at midnight to test this assumption that even at midnight it isn’t dark outside. I do know for sure that around 8-10pm it definitely is not dark. It is awesome first so that I don’t need to bring flashlights or anything like I used to bring to work with me a long time ago when I had to walk home in pitch black on Sunday nights, and also because people tell me it is dangerous to be outside in the dark…there might have been something about being alone in there, but the other thing about being in a big city is that you pretty much can’t be outside alone…there is ALWAYS someone else sharing the sidewalk with you.

Also, I learned this week that reading a church’s statement of faith is kind of important…so I decided I wanted to be in the car less than 10 minutes to get to whatever church I picked in the state I am moving to next. That meant that despite the promise of awesome treats, the church I picked out was on the ixnay. I was going back through my list of 2nd choices that hadn’t originally made the cut to be the one I was going to the first week. The one that was originally number two seemed super awesome…until I actually read the statement of faith…umm, yeah, all was well at first with statements that went way over my head and sounded nice and church-y…but then there was a statement that I read and went “um, pretty sure I actually understand that AND am 99.999% sure that it is NOT in the Bible.” So yeah…I guess having a really awesome logo which is how that one made the cut isn’t a good reason to pick a church.

So the one that is now number one doesn’t have a cool logo, but also doesn’t have weird stuff in the statement of faith. It also doesn’t promise me awesome treats, and doesn’t have a sample of their music to let me know if it is good okay or lousy, and doesn’t have much in the way of pictures or details at all, but it does meet the criteria of not being very far from the hospital (and therefore will be close to where I am living though I don’t have an address for that). Plus, the lead pastor’s cell phone number is on the “I’m new here” page and that made it seem like somewhere welcoming. So unless I come up with some new criteria or uncover something else I don’t like, I now (again) have picked a church for my next rotation.

Lol, I suppose if anyone has any ways to choose a church that don’t involve evaluating logos and treats which I realize are pretty superficial ways to pick, I am all ears…actually, that is not true. Regardless of whether or not anyone knows anything, I still have only two ears and also have a head, eyes, feet, arms, etc…I am definitely not ALL ears…LOL…

I wish I could just be in charge of the nursery at a church somewhere…’cause then it wouldn’t be a huge deal if the church was very good as long as they gave me enough latitude that I could love on infants…but something tells me people probably would prefer to have someone as a volunteer before putting them into a position of leadership whether formal or informal…particularly if said person moved into town that week…but seriously, I go through child withdrawal constantly and crave an infant in my arms…

Another option, I suppose, is if anyone wants a FREE babysitter so they can go on a date night or something and I can have some kid time…my age preference is the 5 and under crowd, particularly the birth to 6 months crowd, but I totally can (and have) been in charge of older kids…I just find it less rewarding as they get older…my happiest place is a room of infants where I am outnumbered (but not by so many as to make it stressful) and if anyone else is in the room then they are a good person to be around (AKA not someone who is super stressed out by there being one more kid than adult, and not a my-way-or-the-highway person).

Also, I poured my milk two hours ago and it is still sitting on my dresser, so it is time to stop writing and actually remember to hit post this time and then drink my milk, because it is not the shelf stable kind…