Monthly Archives: April 2014

Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns

(Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself–Steve Green)

Alternatively titles: Tweet Tweet, I’m on twitter…

I’ve had a twitter account for a while, but I posted my first tweet on Friday April 11th…

Feel free to follow me…

I love that it is totally acceptable on twitter to post multiple times per day if I want to, which is why I fell in love with it once I started using it…however 140 characters is not nearly as many as it seems so it can’t really replace the freedom of expression I have on facebook where my character count is not limited…

Oh, and if you knew me in real life you wouldn’t be surprised that I am @getskittles on twitter…

Also, three people or entities are currently following me on twitter…and I am only acquainted with one of them…I don’t know how that happens, especially since one of them we don’t even have any mutual followers/followees…IDK…

Also, I don’t know twitter etiquette…what kind of people is it not creepy if I follow…I don’t want to do it wrong and get myself in trouble…I mean, before my former counselor was my counselor she asked if she could talk to me one night and she had two sentences for me…one of them was that she didn’t want to be friends with me on facebook (which I have no idea why this came up since I had not indicated I ever wanted to be friends with her, but I suppose she may have found out somehow that facebook was my primary form of communication, which I suppose would logically lead into possible friendship although for me I don’t need to be friends with you on facebook to have conversations with you as long as you don’t have messaging blocked…) (Oh, and the other sentence was that she thought I needed to try harder to make friends my own age…umm…thanks for that…I was already trying really hard to make friends and I know I am not good at it, but try harder wasn’t going to fix that…advice on how to do it would have been gladly taken in, but just being told I needed to try harder was a little bit hurtful because it felt like it was neglecting how hard I was already trying and how much I would have loved to have had friends my own age…) …so anyway, to prove I wasn’t interested in friending her on facebook I blocked her instead for a while, and I guess she must have seen me on facebook at one point and then seen that my profile disappeared or something, because she apparently used that to put in my notes that I had boundary issues…and once I unblocked her she blocked me…So yeah, all that to say I am kind of nervous to even let my current counselor find out I really like twitter in case it somehow gets me in trouble…she doesn’t seem like that would be a problem for her, but you never know for sure…

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Wings why won’t you let me fly sentenced to this lonely land put here by my own hands

(Too Far Gone–Tyler Burkum) Slowly I really am escaping the prison my OCD has tried to force me to live in. Yesterday I washed a few plastic cups and put them in the fridge. Do normal people wash cups that just came out of the cupboard and were previously cleaned before being placed there–probably not… Do normal people use somewhat large amounts of extra-concentrated dish soap on each individual cup–probably not… Do normal people store cups in the refrigerator–probably not… Do normal people still use plastic cups on a regular basis in their 20’s–probably not… Do I care–definitely not… This is a huge success. I almost always drink out of disposable water bottles because that seems safest. They start clean on the inside from the store, the part where your mouth goes is protected, they tend to seal well, they tend not to break, and if they feel contaminated it is not such a huge loss of investment if you impulsively or (non-impulsively) throw away the offending bottle. I have also used individually wrapped disposable Styrofoam cups, and am fine with other disposable cups if I know they are from a previously unopened bag and have watched how they have been handled to ensure their safety. Due to social pressure and the fact that this girl is sugar-addicted depending on how I am doing and on the demands of the situation I may be able to drink from other sources, but it isn’t comfortable, certainly isn’t my preference, and isn’t always possible. IF these are the modifications I need to be able to drink from a cup then I am proud of it. The re-washing, excessive soap, and refrigerator storage are all designed to minimize the germs on the cups. The plastic cups rather than the normal people cups that I really do own are partly because after eating and drinking from plastic containers with plastic utensils it feels most comfortable to use plastic. The other reason is that, like the disposable water bottles, a plastic cup is a lot smaller waste if I can’t handle how dirty it seems and throw it out than if I did the same with a normal cup… Oh, and mostly by necessity I am now using a non-disposable water bottle…see there was this little problem that I decided that probably there was stuff growing in my water bottle because it had had juice in it so frequently and been stored in my dark backpack. I was washing it almost daily, and sometimes multiple times a day and got frustrated with that so I threw it out to try again…little problem, I didn’t have another water bottle to replace it with. I decided I could use my bike water bottle (an old propel water bottle) as long as I was very careful with it…that would have been a good plan and that water bottle was almost a non-disposable water bottle to me so it was already a challenge, but I got the great idea to try some tea…well I didn’t have the patience to wait for the water to cool after it boiled (I needed it to boil to kill some germs) and poured boiling water into my water bottle…which quickly shrunk….it was kinda cool looking, but not very functional…which meant either I had to make it the rest of the semester with no water bottle (not a good choice) or be willing to bring a nondisposable water bottle to school…besides worrying about it getting dirty, real water bottles tend to leak more which is kind of annoying, and this water bottle anyway is kind of heavy, but I am not going to be defeated…perhaps I will find a better water bottle at home over the summer.

10-minute Sunday

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog, so I’m going to devote the next ten minutes to posting whatever I can get through in ten minutes…ready…set…GO!

So Friday I finally made it 5 years SI free! Oh my, it sure was tough getting there. About two weeks in advance I was already feeling the extra tension, and when the Monday before I got three bad grades back, that was the last straw that threw me from really really struggling into full on crisis mode. I caught myself repeatedly with my hands poised mid-way through the action to hurt myself, stopping myself just before I inflicted pain. It is really scary living that way, because you always worry the next time you will catch yourself too late.

HUGE success: I was able to contact my counselor and ask for help. Even bigger success: I was so worried about staying SI free and therefore so desperate for any possible way to get there that I didn’t even include any phrase to indicate that I didn’t feel like I deserved help…I felt that way, but I didn’t include it.

Also, Friday afternoon I emailed my parents to tell them everything…That was really scary…and I should have checked my phone first…I did it a few hours before class so I wouldn’t be making myself super anxious right after getting to Karis House and probably talking about how awesome I was doing due to the SI anniversary…well there was actually a text on my phone that I saw after sending the email that I was not needed at Karis House…so yeah, looking back, perhaps getting extremely anxious and unable to study an hour before class is not the best way to feel confident on a difficult quiz…oh, and my parent’s response was basically just to acknowledge receipt…

I am really anxious because this week is room checks at my apartment. I have been cleaning too much today because I am afraid they won’t think my apartment is clean enough. I know they know someone lives here and they probably don’t expect perfection, but I don’t really know what “clean” looks like to them…I took out my trash today…didn’t plan on doing that until the end of the semester, but when faced with a $100 fee for not doing it…also, I have no idea how to make my air conditioner look good. It just seems so dirty, but I am not sure how to clean it better…chances are it is totally fine, and if not they only charge me $10 to clean it for me, but I don’t want to inconvenience them, and it doesn’t seem clean enough to me…and me ten minutes were up 2 minutes ago…