Monthly Archives: November 2014

We’re gonna have some fu-u-un!

(welcome to the show–Britt Nicole)

You know you live an adventurous life when you are screaming and can’t sit still while you are driving because of the exciting things you are talking to yourself about…Especially when I am alone I have great monologues with myself…Here are some legit examples from my adventures yesterday (I go to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, because while it would be easier, and less costly (time is money and ya’ know, buying things costs money) to just go on with life as if nothing was different, that is not what holidays are about and people would feel bad for me if I did that, and plus there are so many people here that I truly do LOVE spending time with, so it is a good excuse to spend all day not at all involved with school or studying or real life whatsoever and just get screen time and cut out snowflakes and eat somewhere besides my bed or the corner of the res hall lobby 🙂 plus I decided that on Thanksgiving I could eat whatever I wanted…and let’s just say that when you are eating chocolate covered pretzels for lunch because they have a higher nutritional value than the other things you have been eating that is probably a sign that it would be good to have someone else meal planning…)

(Driving past a store next to the place where I got new tires on my car) Look! Look! I think that’s that place I saw on the news a couple days ago with the people everywhere!! Look at all the signs that say they’re open…either they are open 24 hours or else someone has a LOT of work to do at night when they close…I’ve been right next to there before!! I am making history! Is this for realsies?!

(Driving past a specific intersection) Hey!! This is that intersection where I was kind of lost and not really sure if I turned towards or away from school a few weeks ago and then like ten minutes later had a little bitty party when I figured out that I was going the right direction!!

(While slightly lost…because why wouldn’t this directionally challenged girl be super lost…stupid city-planner who should have known how confused I was going to be and should have predicted my wrong turns and failure to differentiate right and left) Girlie!! You what did I tell you about being lost?! You CAN NOT get lost here no matter what. NOT OKAY! You are in the same zip code of the place you are not supposed to go and if you end up there something bad might happen because you can’t keep your mouth shut, and I don’t really think anyone cares if it is your fault or not, why can’t you just not get lost?! I don’t even know how big a zip code is, but I do know that I’d prefer not to find out and end up in trouble for it so you better figure out where you are like now! (Umm yeah, because telling myself to not be lost is super effective in actually figuring out where I am…luckily, I somehow managed to find my way home without at least coming across any road names I recognized…although clearly with my navigational abilities that doesn’t mean a whole lot…)

(While driving past a particular light pole) Oh!! Oh!! Oh!! I know where I am now for real for real!! This is that place where I hid behind the light pole while I called security last spring and then they said they would help me then put me on hold for like ever (or 10 minutes or so) and then I hung up and tried again and they said they weren’t helping me and then I kept walking towards home (oops away from Lori’s house) until I tried calling Lori and she came and rescued me!

…isn’t it great when you know places in your city more by this is where I got lost that one time than by this is how to get there?…

I love myself so much!

Also, I know that I have used many lifetimes of exclamation points according to my brother, but I think it is fine—there are plenty of illiterate people in the world who will never use their exclamation points, so I am really doing them a favor by putting their exclamation points to good use 🙂

Random but awesome quote from my amazing and insightful friend Stephanie Pauline, who works very hard and donates her entire paycheck to the ministry she works for even though that makes it really hard to make ends meet sometimes: “I, personally, have been known to joke that I have a very inclusive approach to spirituality. I equally value offending Christians and non Christians alike. LOL. Now, don’t worry, that is just said in jest. I actually hate offending others, but I have found sometimes it is absolutely necessary as sometimes people are offended simply by your being whatever it is you are. Either it is too this, or too that, or not enough of this, or not quite what was expected. If your conscience is clear – and you are following faith, then really, what does that matter at all? It doesn’t.” I think she hit the nail on the head. I don’t want to offend anyone, but offending people is inevitable sometimes regardless of who you are or what you believe.

Also random, yesterday I met the woman who lived next door to the house where someone I knew died last spring. It made me think about how small the world is and how everyone has a story to tell even if you wouldn’t expect it…

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They said stay inside the lines we’ve drawn you will be just fine don’t take chances with your life

(Live like we’re alive–Nevertheless)

So yeah, last night I woke up around midnight and my half asleep formerly OCD brain decided that meant I might be sick…which since I was awake for a few hours gave me plenty of time to think about how while I am a very strong rules-follower there are certain rules that I kinda skip sometimes…and sometimes rules that seem so hard to follow are actually really there for my safety…Like there are signs up letting you know that you are supposed to wash your hands before leaving lab…I didn’t yesterday, and I’d been touching things in lab, grading lab quizzes, grading term quizzes, and looking through a textbook that had been in there long enough to smell like dissection as you turn the pages…so clearly my hands were not clean…and I immediately went from there to eating…without washing my hands…oops…which actually broke another rule…second year my counselor made a rule that no matter what I should wash my hands before eating. Even while I was washing my hands excessively I occasionally didn’t follow through on that rule (which she seemed to think wasn’t a bad thing since it was usually in socially appropriate times to skip washing), but I decided a couple weeks after first year that a rule a counselor makes is no longer valid when I no longer see that counselor (because one counselor told me I couldn’t do anything risky, and it was not very fun to bike if I couldn’t cross the street…which looking back I am sure she didn’t expect for me to take it that far, but she said nothing risky and I agreed to it so yeah…) but anyway, that is a rule I should probably have hung on to…sometimes staying inside the lines is for your own protection…

Speaking of not taking chances…yesterday I was driving home and part of the road was closed where I always go home…I got really lucky and the random direction I turned happened to bring me over by Lot B which I knew how to get home from, but I was not a happy camper, because I always drive past school on my way home, and who are they to say that with all the turmoil in the city that I can’t drive past school where there are people with guns to protect me if necessary…well I read the news this morning to try to figure out why the road was closed (because I am smart enough to realize that cones don’t go up to just wreck my life) and I couldn’t figure it out, but I did find that people were apparently laying down in the street a couple blocks from my apartment last night…so I guess I was lucky to make it home before that…and I suppose that means I need to put on my big girl pants and put my bike in my car to bring it to school rather than biking to school today and then walking home…’cause you never know what the crazies are going to think is a good idea next…and I don’t wanna be half way home and have streets closed so I can’t get the rest of the way ’cause that would make me MAD! and I don’t think I would be a peaceful protester if that happened…and it probably wouldn’t help things if I started screaming for everybody to get their stupid butts out of my way right now 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1.5…1…0.5…0.4…0.3…0.2…0.1…0…I thought I told you to move it!! (See, I do think things through far enough to stay safe…just the logic to come to the safe decision is just a little different.)

Edited to add: I just read the news a little more closely, and I still have no idea why the road I wanted to drive on was closed, but I did learn how lucky I was last night…I am not going to give road names since I don’t want to locate myself, but according to the report I read, about half an hour before I left to go home protesters were a little under a mile and a half from my apartment in the same general direction I was coming from (although at an intersection I was not at) and around the same time I was arriving home they were at an intersection a couple blocks from my apartment–and I had been 1 block away from that intersection in more than one direction on my way home…I don’t know if I got there shortly after or shortly before them, but either way, I am very glad that the most drama I saw was a road closure…especially because almost bedtime girl would not be the most patient and loving girl…and that is probably a situation in which wearing my crabby pants could get me in trouble…

Why are the faces of some of them bleeding?

(Why–Nichole Nordeman)

There are some things I do not pretend to understand…

As I feel the tension rise around me and hear the emotion increase in the announcers voice on the TV that is turned on WAY TOO LOUD in the res hall right now, I am thinking about how little sense all of this makes.

Someone died, therefore I am going to make a nuisance of myself. Someone died, therefore I am going to kill some more people myself. Like are these people even listening to the craziness of their own logic. It makes absolutely no sense to me to say life is precious therefore I am going to damage some more lives. Like really? How in the world is being violent yourself solve anything? All you are doing is creating more things that you don’t even supposedly like.

Also, it is really dumb to be upset over the verdict tonight…sorry, that isn’t a nice way to talk, but it is extremely true from my perspective. The grand jury is NOT deciding whether or not anyone is guilty or innocent; they are deciding whether there is enough evidence to have an actual trial that would determine guilt. If they say yes, that does not mean they have decided anyone is guilty–it means they have decided that there is enough evidence to have a trial. If they say no, that does not mean they have decided anyone is innocent–it means there is not sufficient evidence to waste a ton of money on a trial that will be inconclusive anyway. Ultimately, either way, the decision makes absolutely no difference, and neither would a guilty or not-guilty verdict in an actual trial. Whether or not someone is punished has absolutely no bearing on whether Michael Brown is dead. That ship has already sailed. He is dead whether it is a wrongful death or not, and no amount of punishing anyone can bring him back.

I also want to believe that no one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves that today would be a great day to kill someone. I feel like that has to be something that happens either accidentally or in a burst of bad judgment. I have not seen the evidence to make a sound decision on which was the case in this particular situation, and while I have some opinions about it based on what I do know, this is not about what my opinion is.

I guess my point is really that I don’t understand what all this hoopla is about. Why can’t we just all act like adults and realize that no amount of acting out is going to change the past. The only thing we can do from here is do unto others as we’d have them do unto us…and I don’t think I’d want someone to attack me either emotionally or physically, so I am not going to do that to anyone else…just sayin…

Would you see the real me inside?

(Save my Life–Sidewalk Prophets

You don’t know. You don’t know what it is like to see one of the few things that bring you joy in life, one of the few things that you have hoped for and been hanging on for to be abruptly taken away…again…you don’t know. You can’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to keep on living when all you’ve lived for is gone to find hope when everything you know about life might be wrong (Superchick). You don’t know. You don’t know what it is like to live in a silent prison unable to scream to escape, not because you don’t want to, not because you built that prison around yourself, but because you were placed there and the walls built up around you with no way out, and your screams will at best use up what strength you have left, and at worst be the impetus needed for them to kill you. You don’t know. You don’t know how it feels to be crushed from the inside, to be hurt until you think you cannot be hurt anymore and then be hurt further. You don’t know. You can’t know. You don’t know, but you want to fix it. My pain makes you uncomfortable. You want to put a smiley face band-aid over my heart and tell me you fixed it, expect to be my savior, but the hurt goes so much deeper than that. You want to say you are here with me, but until you have crawled across the shards of my shattered heart, you cannot come close enough to see me. You can’t see the pain deep inside, but will you take a chance and tell me what I need to hear, tell me that I’m not forgotten. Tell me that there’s more than all I’ve ever wanted. ‘Cause right now I need a little hope. I need to know that I’m not alone. But deep inside I’m calling you tonight to tell me something that might save my life.

Every day when you wake up breathing…there’s purpose for your life…don’t quit now

(Here for a Reason–Ashes Remain)

As I kind of hinted at yesterday, it really baffles me sometimes how strangely we decide what is worth valuing. Somewhere around 38,000 ish people die every year in the United States from suicide. Somewhere around 35,000 ish people die every year in the United States from car accidents…yet in safety education in high school suicide was never mentioned. We spent about half the trimester “learning” about driving safely (Sorry, I have to put learning in quotations, because that was an awful class–we were required to take notes on the videos we watched but all the lights were turned out so I brought a flashlight so I could see where the lines on my paper were…a couple months later the teacher noticed and I had to turn it off…and the videos were often things like that kids think cars want to be their friend because the lights look like eyes and the front looks like a smiling mouth…umm what?!?!?) and the rest of the semester was spent on stuff like CPR and the Heimlich maneuver…what about issues in wellness you ask? Well, Issues I was mostly about sex, and Issues II, if I remember correctly, was mostly about drugs and death (like old people death, not suicide)…

Someone in this video hit the nail on the head. Oh my…watch for about 30 seconds starting at about 9 minutes. It ALL matters. Why are we up in arms about violence when both European Americans and blacks are involved but we don’t really care if it is all within the same race? (sorry if that isn’t PC, I think black is the PC term du jour but I might be wrong…and I refuse to call myself white: I might be pale, but I am off white with brown speckles, and my ancestors are not from Caucasus so I am not Caucasion…but I am European because further back than anyone in their right mind would bother tracing my ancestors came from Europe…just sayin’ I’d actually prefer we just called everyone Americans…If you were born in America then you are American. If you weren’t born in America then you aren’t American…way easier…’cause if I move to Australia would I be considered American-Australian?…and how long would I need to stay there for my kids or their kids to be considered to have Australian heritage if they moved back to America? See how this gets way complicated and why I think we shouldn’t care so much where ancestors came from?)

Each day she goes on is a day that she’s BRAVE

(Hero–Superchick)

Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day. I do not have the time to write as much as I’d like to about this, so please read these two articles written by other bloggers. Today is not really so much about preventing future suicides–although it kind of is, because every day is a good day to do that, but today’s focus is on supporting those left behind (also something we should always be doing, but having a specific day to focus on it is probably a good reminder).

Healing Together

We Want Casseroles

congress hand off pain

More people die every year from suicide than in car accidents. Why do we spend so much time talking about driving safely and then shame those left behind after suicide?
More people die every year from suicide than in car accidents. Why do we spend so much time talking about driving safely and then shame those left behind after suicide?
It takes a lot of courage to end one's own life. They have walked a hard road and couldn't see any other way out.
It takes a lot of courage to end one’s own life. They have walked a hard road and couldn’t see any other way out.
The math doesn't work out, but please remember that every life lost impacts many others.
The math doesn’t work out, but please remember that every life lost impacts many others.
It isn't beautiful. It isn't desirable...but it happens...and ignoring it won't make it go away.
It isn’t beautiful. It isn’t desirable…but it happens…and ignoring it won’t make it go away.

awareness

Spread the word!

This ain’t even about that…all of us just sat back and watched it happen

(Heroes–Superchick)

This was quickly written during a break in class today because I am livid…pardon typos please…

The level of disrespect that people in my class show makes my blood boil sometimes. I totally understand now what my friend in high school meant when she said that she hated her class. At the time that seemed kind of harsh to express hate for a group of people based on the misbehavior of many of them—there certainly were good people in the class as well and were people making bad choices who really did have good aspects of them…but now I get it.

Cheating really bothers me, but there are things that bother me a lot more than that. The blatant disrespect for teachers really bothers me. With cheating you are really mostly jeopardizing your ability to be an effective pharmacist.

When a teacher specifically stops class to comment on how many people are not paying attention that should be a signal to you to START PAYING ATTENTION…but no one did…

One girl even said “Oh, I feel so bad.” I almost turned to her to say either no you don’t, or then show it. This girl in particular sits in class almost every day with her headphones on dancing/mouthing the words or even occasionally singing out loud. She is on her phone texting, on facebook on her computer, looking at notes from another class, and talking to the people around her the entire class. It makes me so mad. Besides how distracting that is, it is exceedingly rude. If you don’t want to be in class and learn then it is my opinion that you should go home and think of something you can do with your life that doesn’t involve schooling.

I’ve been looking for some place: A Peaceful Place I can Abide

(Too Far Gone–Tyler Burkum)

This is mostly random thoughts, but it is kind of expressing looking back on recent life how interesting it is to see what life is like after the anxiety goes away…I am so thankful I do not deal with anxiety anymore, and can just live my life…I feel empowered…

Just like when I had OCD, I still see all the ways germs are constantly being transmitted…however, it is very different on this side. I do not act like an OCD-er anymore, and I am not living in fear anymore. I really am not concerned about catching ebola, and I think the danger has been blown way out of proportion. I still don’t always wash my hands before eating and am not too concerned about touching things. I do, however, see how the contagion could easily show up here. One of my teachers was going through the airport at the same time as the nurse who was possibly contagious while at the airport. My teacher came to school, and while she did not get sick, she and her belongings could very well have been a vector for the virus, and from her multiple people in this area could have been exposed, and in turn exposed their circles and even if these people were not getting sick, all it takes is one person passing on a large enough dose to a susceptible enough host that someone actually gets sick, and once someone is actually sick it is much more contagious. I am not too worried—there are stories of many people who have lived in the same home as a sick person but were careful not to avoid the virus, and did not get sick, and judging from what the family members of America’s first big-name case were saying, they really seemed to have an EXTREMELY low understanding of health, which indicates to me that they likely were not acting appropriately to protect themselves from their family member’s illness, yet none of them became sick. This is not the terrifying pathogen that people make it out to be…here is an article on that subject that I think does a really good job of saying what I want to say…ARTICLE…it is a little over a month old now, but it the points it makes are still very valid.

I am no longer OCD, but I do still see spreading contamination. It no longer scares me, but I see it and sometimes cringe, but at this point the only solution I see is to bleach large areas because of how dirty they have become, and that is not practical….but truly it does not bother me. I am perfectly content to go on with life the same way everyone else does…living while completely avoiding the spread of germs is impractical and not a realistic way to live…people need to spread germs in order to live comfortably. There are a few things people do that gross me out, but not enough for me to do any avoidance or extra washing or try to make them change their ways…and I think everyone is entitled to a few of their own pet peeves without being labeled with OCD because of them…things I would have labeled someone as negligent for a year ago I now do on occasion…it is a really strange place to be having lived through that and come out on the other side…

I might not FEEL scared or awkward in social situations, but I evidently still need some work on social behavior…I was at an event last night, and while I felt fine, I know I must have looked lost, because a friend took me to talk to people, and I know I need social skills seeing as how someone asked me how I was and I totally missed it…it was a really awesome event though, and I stayed out way too late hanging out with my friends…I have trouble in those situations sometimes not with fear but with that I can’t really understand what people are saying in that environment, so I kind of was halfway in conversations most of the night since I couldn’t really hear the words, but I loved it. I just wanted to stay there and soak in the community forever and ever. I love my Care and Counseling friends. I work with such an amazing group of people, and seeing the bigger story working through people I’d never even seen before was pretty cool…because I know a lot about KH and what I do, but I didn’t even know that deacons were part of care and counseling…actually, I have heard the term deacons before but I don’t think I actually have any idea what they do…

I also at that event saw how far I have come with the church thing…whereas a year and a half ago I was spiraling out of control over it on occasion, I can now think about it and stuff without even feeling really sad about it…At the event I was given a lighter to light the candles around the room. It very quickly reminded me of my job at my old church at home of using matches to light all the candles for PSR, but instead of that throwing me into an emotionally painful experience, or even really bothering me much, I could look back at how happy I was then and make the current experience feel even better. It didn’t detract from the experience at all. That is how I know that I have really moved on…I am not sure if I moved on because too many bigger issues have taken over or if I really have accepted what happened, but I don’t think that distinction is super important…what is important to me right now is that I am no longer feeling hurt by that situation…perhaps I will one day find I am not as past it as I thought, but for now I am feeling really good about it. Time truly can make a huge difference…

Everything is falling into place…I’m learning

(learning to be the light–Newworldson)

This is kind of a random post because there are lots of words swirling in my head; too much to effectively study, but not enough for one coherent post…

I learn things pretty much every day…not necessarily the things I set out to learn, but that’s okay…

Like on Saturday I learned to be very careful, because if you somehow manage to burn a hole in your potholder it won’t work very well anymore…

And oh my, I learned lots of things yesterday:

  1. Even though your sandals are super convenient because they are right next to the door, you will regret walking through the snow in them.
  2. Don’t wear tennis shoes without socks for very long–it feels skwooshy (which I know is not a word, but was the best descriptor I could think of)
  3. Don’t plan your really awesome idea for your time in the conference room until you have checked whether or not the conference room is actually open for your “calm and alone time leave me alone moment)…because it makes it that much more disappointing when you pack up computer and stuff and leave your apartment to go get some internet to reserve the room and then find that it is already booked…
  4. Be aware of your surroundings…people walking their dogs do not care about the merits of the Wiconi walk t-shirt which is kind of fun because Wiconi means life in Lakota and that is something I am passionate about vs. the animal explorers t-shirt which is a heavyweight t-shirt which feels a lot better than the softblend t-shirts that a lot of my school t-shirts are and is one of my warmer t-shirts…they just think that you are kinda strange because you are having a conversation with yourself…although I talked to someone last year and we agreed that having a conversation with yourself is fine as long as when you argue you don’t lose the argument…
  5. the fact that you almost fell headfirst onto the floor is a good indication that it is not a good plan to take the railing off the bed to reach the candy on the table underneath the bed without getting off the bed…

And today I learned that it is a LOT colder when you have to scrape the snow and ice off your car for 25 minutes than it is when you are only walking from one building to another…and a corollary that it is very important to me to someday live somewhere with covered parking. I am SO thankful for having garage parking at school though so that my very mildly frostbitten fingers could warm up as I drove and not re-freeze on the walk to school from Lot B…

Also, it was extremely exciting this  morning to find someone else like me in the world…I didn’t realize how alone I felt until I found someone like me to fill the hole (As in someone else who is an early-riser instead of a night-owl)…like I really thought I was the only one…and then I also was extremely excited that girlzone (the very empty res hall lobby with a cardboard box with a hole cut for my feet to serve as a workstation was still in tact from Saturday when I was last here!!

Also, the song two houses by Matthew West has been on repeat for a while now…I am loving it so much right now. Like I really love this song lately. I love that it acknowledges that in really difficult trials in life that while there might be bright sides that come out of it, that doesn’t necessarily make up for the tragedy you are dealing with. Like, sure, two Christmases sounds awesome, but that doesn’t make up for the hurt that had to come for that to happen. (“Yeah, but all I want is the way it was”). And I identify with the phrase these two houses sure don’t feel like home. I had friends and a safe place at school that was ripped away, and now I have a location that arguably has become my spot at school, but it doesn’t feel like home. Like I can have all the houses in the world, but will still feel empty if it doesn’t feel like home. I am waiting for my eternal home in heaven, but in the mean time I would love to really have a home at school…”It sounds like everyone is moving on”: it is really hard when everyone is just going on with life to be struggling so intensely. It was hard when that was going on with my anxiety, but it is even harder now since I am struggling with something that I am less able to talk about what I am going through and what is being done to me…

So yeah…lots of random words…time for class now…

I can never go back to the way things were before

(Until you came along–JJ Heller)

My online friend, Kati, recently reiterated the metaphor someone told her. You have always run marathons, but now you are wearing an eighty-pound backpack and expecting yourself to continue to run marathons and you are exhausting yourself. This is in reference not to physical marathons but to mental energy expenditure, and when a major burden is added, you can’t expect yourself to be able to go on with life as if nothing had ever happened. As much as you try, you are going to be slowed down by the backpack. It just isn’t realistic to run a marathon that way.

I have always been a very prepared person, if I knew I needed one of something but might need five, I’d pack at least seven, or maybe more to share in case others need some too…and if something was going to be due in a week then I better start working on it now, because obviously the deadline isn’t tomorrow for a reason…and I wasn’t done studying until I could quote back all my notes…but then I strapped on the extreme anxiety interfering with my life backpack and the difficult relationship backpack, and the three people in my network dying over the course of a couple months backpack, and the marathon was already headed uphill without those things anyway, and I started slowing down, and it was frustrating and scary, and I felt inadequate. Try harder had always gotten me the grades I wanted, but it wasn’t working anymore.

Then this summer some other stuff happened and between that and people naturally being less a part of my life as our paths grew apart, the vast majority of my friends essentially disappeared, and the one place I felt like I kind of fit in and belonged and was really accepted was taken away. I had unstrapped the anxiety backpack and was feeling so free, but now I was weighed down even heavier, and I was trying to keep running, but I was failing…just walking was hard. Sugar helps me, and I know if I am on edge and start falling then it will be even harder to regain my ground, so now I am trying to predict when I am going to have a difficult situation come up, and like a pre-treatment SABA for exercise induced asthma, I try to use sugar prophylactically to avoid falling off the cliff, and if I know I’m going to get through the hard parts of the day then the sugar will be saved for later, but it is a lot more work, and it is hard when I am used to running marathons to be struggling with barely even getting up for a walk. I am being crushed…and it isn’t possible to fully predict when something hard will happen…

Tuesday, I thought I was doing fine…and then unexpectedly, something happened and without any warning, I was plummeting off the cliff. I was calming down and slowly getting my feet under me when Thursday hit, and while at first I was doing great–I thrive on chaos occurring around me–I offered to do something for someone else…and then suddenly I was being forced to do something else I was not feeling very good about, and I was falling again…just saying, I hate people’s sense of entitlement sometimes. If you are getting something of high value for free, then you have no business complaining that you want something even better…but anyway, falling is no fun, and I was pretty far gone–as in I was relying on my group members to help me with things like whether 58 was less than or greater than 40…and it showed when later in a better environment I could look at my notes and quickly determine that the answers we had listed on our worksheet were obviously wrong…oh well…frustrating…I hate writing negative posts, so I just want to say that it was really exciting yesterday that there was lavender scented lotion at KH yesterday (yum), and also I spent some time with my little buddy…sometimes it is kind of hard to know my place like when do I get involved in discipline and when do I just stay out of it, but he has earned a place in my heart…like a place that involves borrowed laptop and phone charger and getting down on the floor to listen to music on his headphones with him…

Also, inside my head this was totally related, but it kind of doesn’t seem related anymore…but I saw a really awesome quote today somewhere. It was: I didn’t know what “it” was, but I knew I couldn’t do it.” It reminded me of the many times over the past couple months when I have screamed that I can’t do this anymore…what it is that I can’t do is kind of nebulous at times, but I know I can’t do it…

“When we gonna stop running running?…For the hearts that are broken, come in and mend them” –Look Like Love–Britt Nicole