Category Archives: hello

And I got through this day

(Courage – Superchick)

A couple months ago I brought another big bag of stuff from my parents house to my apartment. To be honest, although I didn’t really want to, by the time I went through most of it I ended up throwing a lot of stuff away, because while it was really special to me, living in an apartment rather than a house, I just don’t have many places to put things.

I could probably make more space – through the entire winter I don’t think there were ever more than 3 pairs of jeans in the wash and I probably only wore 3 long sleeve shirts for the entirety of the winter…but since those actually have monetary value and will eventually have a distinct important purpose since clothes do eventually wear out, it seemed better to throw away papers than the clothes.

Anyway, that is a long intro to say, that one of the things in that pile was an envelope of the things I saved when  I moved out of my last apartment. It was also insane how many “necessities that I couldn’t possibly live without” suddenly became trash worthy  when faced with packing up. I probably threw out more bags of trash in the last month in that  apartment than I had the previous three years I’d lived there. Although, to be fair, I didn’t generate *that* much trash and because the M-stress exacerbated the OCD, especially the first year I lived there I found ways to minimize what needed to be thrown out while home because I was terrified of taking out the trash…

This is the contents of the envelope:20180711_125430.jpg

A paper about volunteering at KH (I blanked out my friend’s phone number at the bottom for her privacy). KH was the best part of my school years. I wish I could still be there. I don’t know exactly what I was thinking when I kept this page, but I noticed that I never met the requirements, so I am so incredibly thankful that they accepted me anyway and let me do what I could do and gave me the responsibilities that I needed to thrive. Everyone there was so nice and really cared about me (okay fine, with the exception of one intern who kinda got on my nerves. He never did anything wrong in regards to me, but there was one particular family he always complained about and that really irked me. He thought the kids were annoying, when they were just being kids). I wish I could live there.

Also in the pile, a paper that says “Our City NEEDS YOU” because it makes me feel like I matter. A pretty paper with a verse about taking care of the downtrodden, because I guess it makes me feel like no matter what I deserve care even though I was told so long that I didn’t. A paper about finding joy in serving…because serving is where I feel good. I can’t remember if I was actually seriously considering trying to get more involved, but I am fairly certain that I really wanted to and just didn’t think I could. Some barcode stickers because I for some reason have always liked the idea of having barcode stickers even though I haven’t got a clue what I could use them for. A stamp out stigma pledge and a paper that came in the mail for no apparent reason that says a lot of things about supporting people like “some people just need someone to listen.” Those things are things that I was trying to champion, but I think I also hung on to them, because I really wanted people to be thinking those things about me. A quick note from Kati Morton because it felt really good that she took the time to send that out to everyone with her signature actually written on and the address hand written on the envelope. The M-crisis made me wary of *every* person related to mental health until they had proven themselves to be safe. Very few people were grandfathered in. Kati Morton was one of the few, and I think maybe subconsciously it was important for me to have that reminder of her being good to hold out a lifeline that people in the mental health field were not all horrible people out to take advantage of people who might already be disadvantaged. And some pictures that I cut out of advertisements because they were super cute…

I wish there was more because college feels a lot like a black hole and I wish there were more to represent the time I spent there, but at the same time, there was not a lot of positive there, and what I do have is a good representation of the positive things. I kind of wish I hadn’t thrown away every prayer card from my community group in a rage/cleaning session a while back, but I can’t get those back. I get why I did it though – community group was good, but it also brought with it some memories of the pain in college – the M-stress and resulting exacerbated OCD, the fact that it didn’t really seem like people really understood what I was going through the next year or maybe didn’t even care.

People act like college is like the bestest time of your life…yeah no. There are a few people at school who did what they could to help me survive, but mostly there is very little of college itself that was positive. I adored the counseling center at which I volunteered and I loved serving at church, but there wasn’t much about school itself that lends itself well to good memories. There were some sparks in the dark, but for the most part that section of life is probably better off just not existing and letting me move on with my life.

But it is really hard to move on. Let’s be honest, I am a control girl. I struggle when my life feels completely out of control, and that is where I have been living for a long time. I don’t feel like it is possible for me to ever grasp onto the steering wheel of my life again. I feel stuck. I feel like I am spinning my wheels just getting stuck deeper and deeper into the mud.

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They hold me, still.

(Your Hands – JJ Heller)

Like I’ve probably mentioned before, when I was a third year, multiple students from my class died. And my counselor told me I wasn’t grieving. Years later, now that I have realized that she was emotionally abusive and have some distance from that time, the sentiment has become almost like an encouraging mantra when things are going wrong. Don’t worry, at least you’re not grieving! You can do it! I mean, yeah, how messed up is that…it is a bit nonsensical and not overly true when I’m saying it. But just like an animal used to its cage will stay inside even once the door is unlocked preferring the known of the cage over the very alluring and probably so much more awesome freedom waiting outside the door, sometimes I am still so used to being marginalized and put down that it just feels more comfortable to do it to myself…and it probably sorta became a coping mechanism to start putting myself down so it didn’t hurt so much when she did…not sayin’ just sayin’. So I tell myself I am not grieving and don’t deserve any sympathy or support for anything in my life, because that is the response I learned.

 

And you’re probably wondering where the h**k I am going with this. Well, I kinda wonder where I am going with this too…but I at least have the background knowledge to understand why I am writing even if I have no idea where the writing is going. So I’ll share the why so that we’re on a level playing field. One of my cousins died Friday night. There isn’t a lot we know about exactly what happened. We know where he was. We know he tried calling his sisters before it happened, but was so drunk he was incoherent. We know there were 911 calls regarding someone acting strangely on the side of the interstate. We don’t know exactly the sequencing of events or how at fault he was for his demise. My mom left on Friday to go on vacation for the weekend. Some vacation she got finding out Saturday morning about the death and spending all day Saturday on the phone trying to figure out travel arrangements to the funeral and then back home – complicated when she is completely across the country from home and also very far away from the site of the funeral in a smallish town also very far from home and no one willing to help her safely get to a major airport.

 

So I’m going to completely change the topic because I’ve really thought all the possible thoughts and thinking them again isn’t going to change anything anyway…I’ve got a lot of blog post ideas written on scraps of paper or in word documents or whatever all over the place and since my mind is bouncing all around anyway, it’s probably a good time to waste a bunch of them by using them in a lot shorter version…and besides, realistically I don’t really blog *that* often anymore, so there’ll probably be a million other things to write about by the time I’m ready to write again anyway.

 

Lol, and lets be honest…I struggle on a good day to focus for very long, and so yeah, I definitely was just on a facebook and youtube (simultaneously) break and found that more details have been released. Still no one knows exactly what happened and very possibly we never will, but at least a little more of a story line emerged. And I listened to a great youtube video and scanned the facebook…and it’s time for bed.

Cook the Turkey and the Ham the Pumpkin Pie and Candied Yams

(It’s Christmas Time – The Plane Truth)

 

Goodbye summer

 

 

Hello Fall

 

 

It is not super different because I am someone who values consistency and predictability, but yes, I re-decorated to better match the season…and because I have way too many decorations tucked away in my closet – I’ve been decorating both an apartment and a room at my parents house with enough stuff for rotation both places for a long time and now it’s all in one place. I window shopped online and at Target for some variety in bedding, but I haven’t found anything that met all four rights: color/design, price, size, comfort…well, that and my linen closet is full…I had a super cute pillow case I wanted to use for the post-Christmas winter, but it got lost at some point…but considering I have two copies of the bedding currently on my bed (except for the comforter), it is pretty safe to say that I really like it. A couple years ago I almost bought the same bedding in red and orange (which would have been awesome for fall), but it was only available in store, and I was the kind of person who never ventured as far as target. My apartment a mile or so away from school and church less than three miles from school were the boundaries defining where I tended to roam. Well, that and on rare occasions wherever my bike took me…and that one time when I tried to go to the princess library…

 

I was at Target like a week or two ago and found some towels I almost had to have. They were on a really awesome sale, so it would have been a good time to buy, but like I said, my linen closet is full and I really only use like one towel and then I put it in the washer and dryer and use it again and I have probably at least eight full size towels. Most of them don’t match (partly because as a swimmer occasionally I’d have matching towels and one would get stolen – super frustrating when you just got brand new towels but not nearly as frustrating as when your brand new (expensive) swimsuit that you adore gets stolen), but when you only use one towel they don’t really have to match. But these towels at the store were red. I don’t have any red towels. I told myself if I could come up with one reason to buy the towels without using the phrase “because they are red” I could buy as many as my heart desired, but obviously I couldn’t come up with any reason I needed new towels so I didn’t.

 

Speaking of the season, today I had my first pumpkin spice of the season. I had a pumpkin pie bagel from Panera. To be honest, it wasn’t that awesome. I realized that I like pumpkin flavored baked goods because they usually have a smooth consistency, but the bagel was kinda dry. And it wasn’t so much as pumpkin flavored as it was pumpkin colored. I probably should have gone with chocolate chip…but it was still good. Because of the issue of caffeine it is hard to get behind the PSL trend, but pumpkin oatmeal is AWESOME (and pumpkin and cinnamon doesn’t really flavor brownies but does make them smell AMAZING).

 

A few years ago when I did an ambulance ride along (which I primarily remember as an opportunity to get to go to like an hour or so of PALS (pediatric advanced life support) because there really wasn’t any excitement), they were talking about how you should eat when you can, pee when you can, and sleep when you can, because you never know when something will happen that will interfere with doing those things. I have been thinking recently about that advice and how useful it is in my current situation. I am actively trying to regain weight because I lost so much of it unhealthily this spring and haven’t yet regained my goal weight. Like I read somewhere, grief doesn’t really ever go away. Instead, it fades and becomes less all-encompassing but it is always there. At this point the grief is still very real, but it is SO much better than it was. I now can have times I am super excited though…but at the same time, it definitely isn’t totally gone. I can still go from having a really good day to about to cry quickly. So knowing that sometimes things are hard, I have started shoving food in my face whenever I have any interest at all in eating, because you never know when you’re going to struggle to eat your next meal.

 

So I made a new friend this week. Which was really awesome at first, but less awesome when this person wanted to know if I could hang out every day. I don’t know how I attract this kind of person…actually I do. I love people and am lousy at saying no and won’t write off the people everyone else ignored so people who haven’t made friends with anyone else become my friends and sometimes it is great, but other times I just wish I could figure out how to make them some other friends because it quickly gets exhausting being their sole source of entertainment and keeps me from having as much of an opportunity to make friends with people who might in the end be better friends for me anyway. Maybe God is giving me an opportunity to learn to say no…that is word that isn’t really in my vocabulary. I am not Minnesota passive aggressive, but I am most definitely Minnesota passive…and I wasn’t even born in Minnesota so I can’t say I was born this way…

Do the angels fill the air? Do you reach out and touch them?

(Dreaming Jacob’s Dream—Michael Card)

 

Lol, so I think this is from the Christmas musical The Plane Truth when I think it is Joseph who says “scare me any worse and I’d be with the Lord!” Umm, yeah, that was me on the way home from church this evening. God definitely was watching out for me so that I didn’t meet the angels this evening.

 

So for this story to make sense, you need to know that I didn’t have much sleep most of last week and have been sleeping like 11 hours at night the past two nights and sneaking in a few minutes of eyes closed time here and there as I find an opportunity in between doing homework…okay fine, in between staring at my homework but being too tired to actually do anything. Keeping my eyes open has been a chore.

 

So anyway, I was driving home from church, and I almost fell asleep…not like my usual way overtired kinda napping against the window at the stoplight or anything, but like I was driving down the freeway and suddenly my head was in my lap. Luckily, as I drifted to sleep my foot came off the gas and the slowing of the car I think is probably what kept me from falling all the way asleep, but that was terrifying. I am so fortunate and blessed that I woke up in time that I stayed in my lane and didn’t run into anything, but it was really scary…

 

I think perhaps I may have learned my lesson about driving half asleep…’cause I definitely do not want that to happen again, because next time I might not be so lucky. I love seeing my friends, but I also like being alive…actually, sometimes I’m not so sure about being alive, but I do like Monkey, my car, and crashing Monkey would be a horrible waste of resources, because Monkey was expensive and still has a lot of usable life left. And dying in a car crash would probably not be a good way to go.

 

On a moderately less serious note, I was thinking recently about answers to interview questions…lol…so I was wondering if being able to pretend that I am having a good time counts as a strength…’cause I hate conferences/retreats, they really really really are not my thing, but see me at a conference/retreat and the closest I’ll get to telling the truth is to say it’s okay…most of the time I keep smiling and telling everyone what they expect and want to hear, that this is great. Everyone tells me it is awesome, so most of the time I feel like I can’t tell them how much I am not enjoying it. People don’t seem to believe that someone might not be having a good time, as if I am making things up or exaggerating when I say that I don’t really want to be there, but I can assure you that after a fall retreat for two different churches, a few leadership retreats for college, and now Midyear, I am very much sure that I do not like it Sam I am. I do not like it in a box, I do not like it with a fox. I do not like it in my hair. I do not like it anywhere. Everyone tells me going into it that I have to go because of how amazing it is, and afterwards everyone tells me I should be glad I went because of how much fun I had, but in reality, I didn’t have fun. Sure, given enough time in one place, I am sure to have a fun moment or two while I am there, but the overall vibe is not fun. The overall vibe is how many more minutes until this is over…but you’d never know that aside from reading it here, because in real life I have learned not to be a negative Nancy about these things because I will essentially be told that I am wrong, and when I already am unhappy about having just spent the time at the event in question, I am very much not in the mood to be told how much fun I had, so I quickly learned to keep my mouth shut. I keep an open mind and go into new experiences giving them the chance to be good even though all my prior experience tells me that it probably won’t, so I don’t condemn the experience before having it, but I feel like at this point in my life I have tried enough things to know what I like and don’t like, and conferences/retreats fall firmly in the category of I’ll go if it feels like the right thing to do, but there is a very good chance that I will not like it. (Although I will say the first fall retreat I went on actually was almost a good time. Those kind of things aren’t really designed with a person like me in mind, but being surrounded by people who knew me pretty well actually wasn’t half bad…that one fell pretty darn close to the category of good. Not good enough to ever go again, but good enough to have positive memories. Let’s just say that at the other church’s retreat (which was actually if I remember correctly in the winter) I spent a lot of my time in my room, alone, crying. I was left out as usual and once they successfully got me to agree to come, no one really cared that I was there anymore). I am very happy to live vicariously through pictures of events so I can be happy with you about your time at the conference, but actually being there myself just isn’t my thing.

(For Recap of my time at Midyear, see the previous four-ish posts…)

Stones inside your hand might be small

(Giants Fall–Francesca Battistelli)

Y’all, my brain is spinning with the list of things I need to do in the next day/week or so…so it seemed like a good time to take a break…before I actually started anything…umm…someone (me) didn’t think this through very well…

So this is going to be a series of short thoughts about a variety of things so that I don’t spend too long writing on any one thing since I don’t have time for that.

Sometimes in hindsight I can recognize that I didn’t make the best choice. A few days ago, I saw a bag of capsules in the parking lot as I walked to my car. I was in a hurry. I pretended I didn’t see them and kept walking. They were in an unlabeled Ziploc bag. They were pretty non-descript. I didn’t know to whom I would bring them. I was afraid if I picked them up they might be an illicit substance and then it would be in my possession and I would be in trouble. I walked away. In retrospect, I should have brought someone’s attention to it. Someone might have been looking for them and by the time they found them perhaps they had already been destroyed by being run over. Or maybe they were illicit but if I’d brought attention to it I could have prevented someone from obtaining illicit substances. I know that ignoring it is almost definitely the wrong choice.

I think I have now seen like everything. A couple days ago I saw a man walking along the sidewalk pushing a stroller. The stroller contained a…watermelon. Strapped into the 5-point harness as if it were a child. I did a double-take and then laughed my head off (jk…I did laugh, but my head remained firmly attached to my neck).

I was sad on Tuesday when I found out that there was no Cru, but it ended up not being a bad night. I didn’t do the homework I was planning on doing, but I did spend some time with someone who needed a friend to hang out with, and I wasn’t up nearly as late as I would have been had I stayed for Cru. Also I learned what mochi (sp?) is, and it is good.

Also today I had a lot of adventures. First this morning I stopped at a gas station and it took forever to figure out how to get out of the parking lot when I was done. I don’t think I have ever seen a parking lot with so many one way signs. Then about a block down the road I saw another gas station that would have been easier to get in and out of and was 10 cents less per gallon. Fail. Well, kinda, because I also really did need to stop ASAP because I was getting really low and didn’t want to be a hypermiling jerk. Then on the way to school it was a Very Good Thing that I got to leave way earlier than I asked. Because in about half an hour or so I went about a mile on the freeway. I could have missed my turn and taken a different road and gotten to school in half the time or I could have walked and gotten down the road faster. So that was unfortunate and frustrating. But on the positive side, I did arrive at school on time.

Also, I found out today I am presenting tomorrow, so that should be interesting with exactly zero preparation so far.

I love life. I love rotations. I love me, and I love you 🙂

Those who sow in tears will reap in joyful shouting

(Those who dream–Kristene Dimarco)

The past few nights I have had the craziest dreams like ever.

A couple nights ago my dream took place at the hospital…it looked like some kind of school, but inside my head it was definitely the hospital and all the people I recognized in the dream were people from the hospital except one who seemed to be a composite of a girl at school and someone at work…It was actually super interesting. It would have made a really cool TV show, though it did leave me terrified and soaked in sweat (not blood) when I woke up at 2am…funny how that works…

So, without the intensity of detail that the real dream had, because that post would be more like a novel: I was covering a shift in inpatient pharmacy and having a serious conversation about something (which doesn’t really make sense in real life, but totally did in dream life). There was someone who everyone sensed probably shouldn’t be there who flipped the emergency security panic button (which I’m not sure actually exists in inpatient pharmacy) then walked out into the hallway and my distractible self was trying to see what he was doing. He took out a gun and pointed it at his head. I said “No! Don’t do it” and he looked at me and the person talking to me turned to see what was happening. He turned the gun on me and fear took my voice away from me and I just stared at him. In seconds that stretched out too long, he shakily shot me once and tried again but missed. I went into action and got the gun away from him. About that time security showed up and put him on a backboard on a bed. I knew it was important so I didn’t whine about going to the emergency room and I waited patiently.

The guy seemed really cooperative so they unfastened his arms. I was feeling overwhelmed so I walked into the hallway under the guise of getting a quick drink. I heard commotion and came back in—he had had a second gun that he pulled and was threatening to use. About this time I asked since we weren’t going to be doing work for a while anyway with this going on if I could take a break to go to the emergency room. The nearest pharmacist told me to be quiet because there were bigger things to worry about at the moment, but someone else sassed her that I had the right to a break if I wanted one. I went to the emergency room, and just sat down in the providers’ space waiting for them to have a minute. They seemed to just keep talking and not even realize I was there. I tried to get closer and had to stop falling in the sand (yeah, I’m not sure why the floor there was sand) to wait for waves of pain to subside so I could get onto the bench. No one was ever very concerned about it (which in retrospect is kinda weird, but I mean, it is dream world), but eventually I got words out to explain why I was there, and by that time I wasn’t even really sure if the second shot hadn’t hit me, because maybe the sensation of the first one just kept me from feeling the second one.

And…it’s kind of a suspense, because I woke up before I actually got any kind of treatment and before I found out what happened in the pharmacy while I was gone…LOL, but at least dream me at least delayed if not prevented someone from shooting himself in the head…gotta say I was pretty proud of myself in the dream about that.

And Every Angle is Covered With Just Another Bandaid

(Relient K–Falling Out)

Well, not really…but Monday was like a six-ish bandaid day…’cause bandaids fall off if you can’t consistently keep them dry. Tuesday was only a one bandaid day. Biggest difference is really just that I was at home instead of at work. Not constantly handling boob money and sock money (among other icky things) means I don’t wash my hands as much…not to mention the amount of dishes I do (or don’t) do. See, in theory I hand wash the dishes daily at home, but in reality I have no problem cutting an apple this morning with the same knife I used last night which means that it doesn’t make sense to wash the knife that I know I am going to use again, and even after that I can improvise enough that the stuff that doesn’t require the dishwasher probably won’t be missed for a little while even if it is dirty. At work it is a different story. I often end up doing dishes there multiple times per day because we have a limited number of supplies and constantly use them, and while graduated cylinders can be re-used without washing, the ability to do that depends upon knowing what was in there before which isn’t always possible when we are constantly taking turns in different positions depending on what needs to be done, and mortars and pestles can pretty much never be reused without washing, because most things require that they start dry…except amlodipine which is best made by turning the tabs into little marshmallows…no one told me that the first time I made it, and I probably spent a good hour trying to crush these rock hard tablets (it was a success, but also a waste of time).

Tuesday I got smart and put ointment on the bandaid before putting it on so I didn’t have to yank off the skin that was becoming enmeshed in the bandaid every time the bandaid lost it’s stickiness. That was awesome because it meant Wednesday there was actually enough skin left after removal of the bandaid to allow a bandaid free day. I tried wearing one when I rode my bike to keep the dirt out, but it fell off…also when I was biking I got hit on by some boys who looked like they were probably in middle school. Lol, I would like to have a family of my own eventually (honestly so far more the kids than the husband part) but just a hint, if you want my number before you know anything about me or even my name, then I definitely don’t want you. Apparently I am “hot” in a t-shirt and a pair of hand-me-up shorts from one of my brothers…Not to mention these kids were swearing up a storm and blocking traffic by crossing the street against the light. I pretended those kids didn’t exist, but that next light could not turn green fast enough.

Speaking of life right now, I was thinking that I kind of fail at adulting. I know that laundry is supposed to be sorted into a minimum of 4 piles (cold dark, cold light, warm dark, warm light) but in reality, I pretty much just wash everything in cold water and then if I do sort it tends to be by texture with the soft things in one load and the not soft things in another, or by tops versus bottoms…yep, adulting fail. Also, I guess the fact that I have no problem drinking juice from a cup at breakfast and then using that same cup to hold my apple slices for a snack and then my goldfish for my next snack before it goes in the dishwasher…it’s all about efficiency—time is a commodity.

I don’t really use time very well sometimes. I am very much aware that I should be preparing for my next rotation and I should be writing letters of intent and other stuff for my residency applications and I should be unpacking the piles of stuff in my basement so I can re-pack again, but in reality I watched all of the episodes of SVU that were on hulu free, and I listened to audiobooks on hoopla (also free) and I’ve been watching J House Vlogs on youtube. I used to think law was super boring and dumb and I still do believe that we really shouldn’t need laws because people should just treat others with respect, but they make being a lawyer actually sound like a lot of fun…plus there are kids on the channel which is how I originally fell in love. I still want to be a pharmacist (okay, and a social worker, but we know that isn’t going to happen), but now on the list of things I wanna be that are not going to happen, we can add lawyer. Lol, if I’d gone to my dream school I really could do both, because they offer a dual degree program (although I would have likely had to figure it out a lot sooner than this to get all the credits in, not to mention my plan was actually to go for five years and do the dual PharmD/MPA program, and something tells me that a triple degree if it is even possible in general would not have been possible in five years). IDK, being a lawyer just sounds like fun, but not fun enough to start all over and get a law degree. I think one of my cousin’s names might be JD, and that is the degree I could have gotten at my dream school. When JD is a person’s name does it still stand for jurisprudence doctor? Just wondering…let me know in the comments below…lol…literally…

I guess the reason I needed a bandaid was also an adulting fail. So I was making hamburgers (which I love to eat, but do not love to make) and I wanted to put the lid upside down on the counter. The lids do balance that way, but when I set it down, I didn’t set it down flat so it was about to fall on the floor which would have been a big problem, because besides the mess to clean up, my mom is very protective of the floors, so I caught the lid…with my wrist…and apparently the lid can hold a lot of heat, which means the area of impact didn’t even really have much of a chance to blister because the skin was just gone. Oops. I know how to cook…I just don’t always use my noggin…so basically, cooking is like everything else in life—I am all in until I am distracted and am all out.

You Are Perfect In All of Your Ways

(Good Good Father—by some people on the radio)

Note to self: whenever your sentence ends in “and I’ll pack extra clothes so if that doesn’t work I’ll just sleep in my car and figure it out later” you should probably seriously consider whether you should actually be doing the first part of the sentence…my inner extravert and adventurer says “Yeehaw let’s do this!!” My inner voice of reason says “you are an idiot.” My inner voice of reason just wants to spoil all my dreams…okay fine…it only wants to spoil the dreams that involve unnecessary late nights and/or things that are pretty near impossible and/or have relatively high potential to cause harm to me…but it’s still a party pooper that I am choosing to ignore because YOLO and I have FOMO. I’m still young. I have a right to make one or two iffy choices once in a while…yeah, it might mean staying out late and ignoring school on the very first day, but (and I know this is a lousy attitude that I need to drop) my GPA already is bad and life isn’t fair so who cares if I get a bad grade that is completely my fault…okay fine…I do care, but I have justified that maybe just this once the first week of school I’ll take a risk and then I’ll have all semester to make up for it…one night can’t hurt that much…can it? (Yes, it can, but my inner extravert craves connection and not just by sitting in a classroom).

 

Also, check out this cute sequence of photos on how to properly utilize a chair…

it's a backrest not a headrest

This is my brother trying to demonstrate how to use the chair…but it’s a backrest, not a headrest, so that’s so wrong…

obvi it's a squatty chair

Obvi this is how it is done. (Please pardon the lousy picture. It didn’t occur to me to turn on more lights in my apartment so it is kinda dark and grainy, and also, it is really hard to take a picture of yourself sitting in a chair…especially when what you’re actually doing is squatting around the frame of a chair and touching the back rest but not putting enough pressure on it for the chair to roll away from you…)

1225152218-00

If this were pinterest, this would be captioned hashtag nailed it! (Don’t worry, I didn’t actually leave the ball all shriveled up like that…you’re just supposed to wait 24 hours before finishing blowing it up…or as time works in Wiggle Worm’s not so patient world, wait almost 12 hours then give up on being patient and just blow it up and hope for the best). (Also, please pardon the fact that my room pretty much always looks like at least a small bomb went off…I cleaned up a little for the picture, but obviously not enough to truly hide how I live most of the time…I know, I have a problem with tidiness).

 

I didn’t take a picture of using the chair appropriately…you can look on the World Wide Web and find jillions of pictures of people sitting on chairs like big boys and girls…

I’m sorry…am aware of what you mean

(I’m sorry–Flyleaf)

I think I need apologize about my last post…I don’t think I was very respectful about the person I was talking about. The negativity is definitely not something this person was implying at all…that is something I learned when it was spelled out much more clearly and definitively a couple years ago…hear every week for a year various variations on the theme of “you are a bad person and your thoughts are wrong” and eventually it sinks in and you have trouble seeing yourself any other way. I am finding my way out, but my brain is still wired to jump into what it thinks is coming next, because when those words were literally coming at me I learned to put myself down…I was constantly put down and so I imitated someone who should have been modeling appropriate self-communication and did it to myself too…and it made things easier sometimes because being put down doesn’t hurt as much when you are braced and when you don’t feel worthy of anything else anymore…and you also learn to stop standing up for yourself because it doesn’t get you anywhere except maybe inciting more anger in your direction…but that is off topic…

The person I was talking to did use my distractedness and laughing as examples, but he phrased it respectfully. His words were intended to be caring, but it was my past that made me turn it negative…Re-reading what I wrote, I wanted to clarify that, because I don’t want to characterize anyone in a negative light, particularly when they didn’t really do anything wrong besides being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The words hit me in a place I already felt a little insecure about myself which allowed my thoughts to drift towards negativity, but the other person implied no such negativity…and yes, I am still working on rejecting the lies and believing the truth. There’s been a lot of healing going on, but clearly I still have a long way to go…

…just wanted to clear that up…

…sorry I mess everything up…

…except handing out bulletins at church. I haven’t messed that up yet…although it is kind of an easy job…I could even do that job back in high school when it also required counting people and money…although the counting people thing I wasn’t so good at and tended to figure about X number of people per row and about Y rows equals Z people and subtract a few because there are fewer people in that row and add a few because some kids are sitting on the floor in front of their parents in that row…

He washed my face so I could smile and tell the world I am his child

(Bath Song–The Donut Repair Club on Tour)

Random thoughts…

Everyone dies and I don’t like it, but I am still alive.

I have two of a lot of things, but not everything, and some of the things I have duplicates of are not identical and I like one more than the others so it goes back and forth anyway…I might be really good at packing, but I hate it…which is why the last few bags look like things were just thrown in…’cause they were…

..and some things that I have two sets of can’t be packed…like my friends…I have friends at home and at school but even if I really really want to, I can’t pack them to go back and forth with me…so I either am at home and miss my school friends or am at school and miss my at home friends…I already miss my little friends…which is why I totally didn’t mind handling a room of 9 crying walkers although I was thankful when someone else walked in right after they all stopped crying, because I was definitely running out of hands to pick up new kids and keep the ones I already had happy…

What’s the chance I won’t forget anything this time?…

Today my brother and I are going to go slacklining. I am really excited!

Yesterday I rollerbladed for the first time in forever…I don’t do it very often because I live around a lot of hills and I don’t know how to stop so I can’t go very far…plus I lost my wrist guards and I can’t find them anywhere, so I have to live life on the edge to go rollerblading…

Also, it was really good that I didn’t finish packing on Saturday…’cause we had an accident on Sunday…well, WE didn’t…one of the little girls did…she peed on the floor and I found out when she sat on me…yuck…’cause I could find clean clothes for her, but I don’t always have extra clothes in my car and most places aren’t going to have extra clothes anywhere close to my size…so that threw off the wardrobe planning for the week…

Also…I have the song I am special stuck in my head only with awesome replacing special…’cause I am AWESOME awesome as can be…I prefer awesome to special because it removes the possible come back of “yeah, special ED”…