Category Archives: Resilience

You’ll stand through the pain, you won’t drown, and one day what’s lost can be found

(Stand in the Rain – Superchic[k])

 

So…things you can learn from me instead of for yourself: don’t wait to go home until there is under an hour before your usual bedtime when you are running on around 20 minutes of sleep. On the positive side, the worst I did was mostly run a red light…I mean, it stayed yellow like 90% of the time I was in the intersection…and I didn’t run into or even almost run into any of the other big iron things on the road, so I mean the whole point of having rules is to provide a structure that keeps us safe, so even my lack of following that one particular rule of the road didn’t jeopardize the intent of the rule…not that that makes it okay in any sense of the word.

 

In my defense, I really did intend to leave earlier. My goal was to be away from school and to eat dinner and to avoid sitting FORever in traffic and to definitely not be home when everyone else was eating dinner since I already said I wasn’t planning on being home for dinner. I told myself that I could leave when I finished another piece of bread or I could trade that for finishing the goldfish crackers…except I didn’t wanna, because technically I already did eat dinner. I had an egg and a slice of bread and a cup of apple juice and some skittles…except even though the package might say a slice is a serving, pretty sure the average adult shouldn’t be eating a single slice of bread as the carb group for dinner especially after taking a long walk earlier in the day. So I decided the second piece was mandatory too, but whiney brain wasn’t having it. But then I looked at the time and realized I had to get my butt into the car and get home…but on the positive side I did manage to get that piece of bread in my mouth before I put on my pajamas and went to bed. All is well that ends well.

 

While I was sitting in my happy place, one of my friends came to talk to me and that meant a lot to me. She is so awesome. Anyway, she asked me how my week was going, and I think I probably had my deer in the headlights selective mutism face on because she started supplying me words (also appreciated because clearly I was too exhausted both emotionally and physically to make coherent conversation). The words were “it’s hard to say.” Which is true on so many levels. First because quite literally I couldn’t get words out. Second because I was at that moment in time numb. Third, because I am lousy at decisions. Fourth, because I am ALWAYS okay, especially when I’m not. Fifth, because I don’t want to be a downer, and I don’t want to be a liar, but a lot of this week was really frustrating because even though some of last week I started finally being able to go numb, this week hasn’t been as successful. Likely that is largely because of the huge stressor of attempting to actually apply for jobs, but either way, it isn’t fun to be crying in the middle of class and crying in front of people, and feeling the pain so acutely and deeply for so much of every day. It’s hard.

 

Sometimes when everything is so hard, tiny ant-sized problems seem like giant Tyrannosaurus Rex-sized problems…case in point: I finished eating and was getting ready for bed. I turned off the lights and was really confused when my room wasn’t illuminated with my nightlight (I usually keep my nightlight on the light activated setting so when the sensor doesn’t sense enough light it starts glowing to create the appropriate amount of light). I turn the lights back on and discover that my night light is not plugged into the wall. This sparks a search for my nightlight. Is it on the floor next to the outlet? No. Is it in my bag? No, I know it was forgotten today and I double checked and it is not there. Did I leave it in the kitchen or bathroom this morning? Well, it is not there now…and eventually after checking everywhere I could think to check I had to admit that the nightlight was definitely missing and I wasn’t staying up any later looking for it…and I’d been doing a good job all day not crying, and that is what set off the angry frustrated tears. It shouldn’t be a big deal. When I’m asleep my eyes are closed to it doesn’t matter if the room is light, and my room right now is small enough that I can certainly find the light switch easily and the room is all mine when I’m sleeping so I know nothing will be on the floor in my way (although that is not a guarantee at home). But that nightlight was like my security blanket. I got it for my birthday and I love it. And my world was crashing apart because of a nightlight. I am way too old to be getting anywhere close to that upset over a nightlight.

 

That was a time when being numb would have been helpful and created a more normative response. There was one occasion on Wednesday though when it would have been nice to be not numb for just a few minutes. My team won second place in trivia, and it was nothing to me. Part of that is that winning or losing has never been a huge thing for me, but I still should have been a little excited for a few minutes. Instead it was just one more situation to pretend my way through. I really enjoyed the night, and I really needed to be there, but it would have been awesome to have just a few minutes of excitement.

 

I also found a calculator online for helping you figure out how to eat to be the weight you want to be when you want to be it. That was a bit of a downer…so, I decided by graduation was a good time to be at my goal weight. The calculator popped up a warning that it couldn’t do that because that wasn’t a safe amount of weight change in two weeks. Even once it pushed me into a third week (because that is the shortest time it would let me choose) it wanted me to eat over 2800 calories every day! I’m not very good at calories so I don’t really know how much that is, but I know that a “typical” diet is 2000 calories, so I have a pretty good idea that 2800 calories is a LOT…and that was without anything more than just the light activity of daily life…it’s not like I said there was any chance of me exercising. On the positive side, my wrist is now big enough again that I can wear bracelets without worrying about them falling off and getting lost. I might lose my head if it weren’t attached, but that’s why God created us with necks 🙂

 

And when it rains it pours. I was so busy freaking out about my nightlight that I forgot that I ate the skittles from my car for dinner when I didn’t *want* mini oreos for dinner…which means there aren’t any skittles in my car for if I need them today…Hey, on the positive side, at least I showed up at school with lunch, water bottle, phone, computer, and all the things I can think of right now that I might absolutely need…not that that means I didn’t forget something that I am not thinking of right now…And there weren’t any garbage or portapotty trucks on the road today…lol…like the newer superchick song, we take life 5 minutes at a time.

 

More awesome lyrics:

“Drowning out the sound of her sorrows, she’s finding it hard to exist. She keeps running into herself, hoping to find somebody else. She keeps running into herself hoping to find somebody better.” (Pennyless – Plumb)

The best laid plans can go upside down if that’s lady luck’s intent

 

(Accidents Happen – Thomas and Friends)

 

Things don’t always go how they go inside my head.

 

I was going to do a video with a teacher…instead I got pulled into a meeting about background checks and discovered that it is finally going to be a lot less expensive for students now than it has been for me. Then I got pulled into helping with looking through preceptor of the year awards.

 

I got out of my last event of the day super early and I had the great idea that I would go swing on a swingset….umm…yeah…it was thunderstorming and I didn’t get very far on my way to my car before I realized swinging in a thunderstorm was a Very Bad Idea.

 

So instead I decided to go find someone to talk to…except everyone was busy…

 

It is easy to forget me…especially when I never made it known I needed anything…

 

But some things do go right. Sometimes God answers prayer with yes. There was a garbage truck that happened to turn onto the road in front of me. Oh c**p oh c**p oh c**p are the last words coming out of my mouth before trying to hold my breath as long as possible…then I forced myself to breathe while thinking about if there was anywhere I could get some bleach and clean myself and all my things. And I was frustrated because clearly if I can barely touch the steering wheel while I drive because everything is contaminated then eating is going to be super difficult…so I did the only thing left to do. I prayed my heart out the rest of the way to school…usually I’m also singing myself songs (usually inside my head…), but not today, and shortly after getting to school I was actually doing okay again!! Maybe I don’t have a job and I’m still alive because I’m not a good enough Christian.

 

I’ve been listening to the book “In the Water they can’t see you cry.” As a former swimmer and loving the title SO much, it was totally worth the fact that it was like 10 hours long. Amanda Beard was the topic of my french paper in seventh grade. I was a little disappointed at first because the book wasn’t like I thought it would be, but it actually is pretty good. It is so familiar that I feel like I’ve read it before in like actual words, but I’m pretty sure based on the publication date that I haven’t read it before…I suppose there is probably a good chance that the majority of the story I read from the Splash magazines a little at a time. I read those things religiously cover to cover until they stopped coming. Anyway, I am so glad I read the book this week. It was something I could totally connect with. Someone else who had very similar problems to my own and experienced it similarly…and she got through it and ended up with a BABY!! Mostly it was just me having someone to commiserate with who wasn’t going to be overwhelmed or anything seeing as how it was only a person on a recording, but there were tiny bits of hope that if she could do it maybe I could too.

 

Sometimes life is frustrating. I wanted to go to yoga today. I had lab until 6:30, so even worst case scenario I’d make it to the second half. Then the teacher for the class I had before lab said unless I wanted to be in class that I might as well leave because there wasn’t going to be anything useful for me in class. I took that invitation and left. I probably should have done something useful with my life, but instead I went on a walk…a five-mile walk. Yeah…that was stupid. And that is why I am unable to go to yoga. I don’t think it is safe for me to be there. Either it will be slow stretching yoga in which case I will be tempted to pretend I am totally able to do what everyone else seemingly can and intentionally do things that will leave me in physical pain to drown some of the emotional pain, or it will be some type of fitness yoga that will similarly be bad for me because I really shouldn’t be doing anything that is going to burn extra calories when I am trying to gain weight…especially seeing as how I am already having trouble with my dinner today. I was super efficient in lab moving people around and grading papers and alphabetizing at top speed so that I’d have plenty of time and I was pretty proud of myself for finishing at 5pm. But then I realized that it wasn’t a good idea to go to yoga. But I also couldn’t go home. I already said I wasn’t going to be home for dinner and it is always awkward when I say that then show up at home…especially because a lot of times dinner when I’m not there is fish and so people feel bad that I can’t eat with them, because that is one of the things they are aware that I do not eat. Besides, I had enough food for two meals in my lunch box and extra snacks in my car. So I started getting dinner ready, but I didn’t really want to eat it. So I went to my happy place so that I wouldn’t be tempted to show up to show up at yoga. Now I am trying really hard to finish dinner. It is frustrating, because I feel like I should be over this by now. But I’m still struggling. How long does this last? I’m tired of holding on.

 

Umm yeah…so we’ll just end with some good lyrics:

“When does a scar become a tattoo? When does the sky turn back to blue? When will this heart that’s broken and bleeding beat again? When do I stop feeling this burn? When will it stop? When will I learn?…I’m right here, standing in the pouring rain; tick tock hours all feel the same.” (Say your name – Plumb)

I might drive a million miles but I know who my friends are.

(Unbroken – Stephanie Pauline)

 

I love this song. And it is very true. I know who my friends are and am SOOOOO thankful for them.

 

If you hate numbers talk then don’t read this paragraph. I’ve gained 8 pounds since Easter. That is an awesome thing. I still have 7 more to go to reach the weight on my driver’s license, but 8 pounds in a week is a lot…and possibly not the safest way to gain weight, but whatever, I didn’t exactly lose it safely either…I think what worked is that throughout the week I had contact every day with people who really care about me. And I mean, those last 7 pounds would still put me net negative 5-10 pounds from when this all started, but I am okay with that. Although the number on my driver’s license was a completely random number because they had us filling out the paperwork in school in 10th grade and I hadn’t a clue what I weighed so I made it up, and then when I renewed my license I subtracted 15 pounds because the weight I had originally selected was nowhere close to what I actually weighed…but anyway, that number has become my goal. I gained plenty of weight spending lots of time at the buffet in South Dakota, so staying a little net negative is not a problem. I am a stress eater…and a boredom eater…and maybe just an eater in general…so I have no concerns about whether the rest of the weight that I want back will be back. It’s a matter of when, not if. Remember that I am a girl who had no problem putting away half of a dominos large 8-topping pizza in one sitting. Sure, I am still struggling with meals sometimes right now when the grief catches up with me (okay fine, a raspberry and a single bite of chicken is not an appropriate dinner even if the chicken is breaded), but the times that I am eating far make up for it…and I will definitely admit that eating WITH people continues to make my meals a lot more successful, but even alone I might be eating junk, but most meals I am eating something and most meals at least part of that something has nutritional value (umm, hashtag today’s dinner was a cookie sandwich, skittles, and ice cream…I totally did pack an awesome and nutritious breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but I only ate the breakfast).

 

I finally have reached the point where I am able to be numb maybe 80% of the time and only feel the hurt 20% of the time. Sure, that means I still cry sometimes and still have a hard time with things, but it is so much better than the initial 99-100% of the time struggling I was living at before. I haven’t gotten to the 99-100% numb stage yet, and I don’t think I’ve ever come to a point where it was really a choice when the emotions will be turned on vs turned off, but I will definitely take what I can get at this point. If I can hang out painting all day and feel okay, that is awesome. I love not crying and not using inordinate amounts of energy that I really don’t have to hold in tears. I don’t need to feel excited if it also means I am not using up all my energy pretending everything is awesome nor am I crying uncontrollably when asked about graduation and placement. Some people say that going numb is bad, but I am not one of those people right now. I would rather have both pain and excitement muted than to feel nearly constant overwhelming pain. Does that mean that sometimes as the emotions get turned back on I am surprised when years later I still am upset about something I thought I was totally over…ummm…okay fine, yes indeed it does, but I am still totally thankful for the longer stretches of time that I didn’t have to feel it. I am also thankful that I am finally averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night. It still isn’t quite enough, but it is so much better than the three I was getting. I will survive. This is awful, and there really isn’t any way that it can be fixed, and I almost cried in church today, but at least physically things are better. If things are better physically I am going to be okay. I don’t have a job. I have plenty of other problems, but physically I am doing SO much better.

 

“‘Cause when life gets shipped from here to there…”

Yep, totally story of my life right now. It is crazy to think about how many beds I have slept in this year and how many different states I have been in. I am a girl who lives for the status quo, and have definitely had to learn the art of constant change. Umm…yeah…of location a zillion times and of losing the constant of my dreams and my wonderful job.

 

“Some things are too heavy for even friends to lift.”

Sometimes I feel like I am too much. I don’t think my friends will want to deal with me. And so I isolate. And feel lonely. But my friends have shown me that they are willing to help me and hold me together when I am falling apart. My friends have each done way more than their share to serve me and I appreciate them so much.

 

Mostly unrelated side note: I’m not sure if my phone only saves messages for a certain period of time or if I somehow managed to accidentally delete one of my messages, but I definitely had a whiney scream-fest at my phone for a couple minutes this morning when the message I wanted to hear wasn’t there…

There are days when I’m okay

(Courage – Superchic[k])

Okay, so maybe not days, maybe only moments…and maybe only okay by my standards of still having a heart pumping oxygenated blood around my body, but there are some good reasons to be proud.

At like the middle of the night (which is actually more like early this morning) when I was using up the last 7% of my phone battery life without texting people in the middle of the night because that is rude to wake people up in case they have their ringtone turned on (not that I don’t forget sometimes…sincere apologies to those I have texted while sleeping), I found this really awesome article on the internet of things to say to answer how are you…

  1. I’m awesome from the ankles down (not true of me though…my right ankle is sore…like always happens when I’m stressed out ever since I fell on it in ninth grade and didn’t tell anyone even though it was bruised for over 3 months)
  2. I didn’t read my name in the obituaries today, so I figure I’m not too bad. (yep, it is important to read the obituaries when you get a chance to make sure you didn’t die and nobody told you).
  3. Good, but I’ll get over it (kinda true…I pretty much always answer with good, fine, or okay, regardless of what is actually going on…but eventually the mask will wear off, probably when I’m alone, and I won’t be okay anymore)
  4. I hear good things, but you should never trust rumors (Lol…which reminds me that I love being a Christian because Christians care about each other, but I don’t like the gossip disguised as a prayer request).
  5. My lawyer says I don’t have to answer that question!! (I don’t have a lawyer, but if I did, I would love to use this and see what people say).

I am so proud of me!! If I weren’t in class constantly yesterday I would have been giving myself so many high fives!!

First instead of the Dominos I was expecting, there was Panda Express. I am not a fan of change. Eating is already hard, so changing the food I am going to have to try to get in my mouth can be challenging. That could very easily have pushed me into the absolutely not category of eating…which would have been a problem since all there is in my lunchbox is candy, a hot chocolate mix packet, and an egg. (Yeah, I know, that still isn’t an appropriate dinner…but this week is stressful enough without worrying about nutrition. I finally am at least usually moderately interested in candy now, so right now I’m working on calories this week and next week will go back to nutrition that doesn’t rely on multivitamins).

Then everyone agreed I should go first because I was presenting. And everyone was watching me and encouraging me to take more. God did good in this circumstance by making me a people pleaser. I ended up with a full plate of Panda Express and the whole thing was eaten. If I had been with friends or in some other socially appropriate situation, I would have been so thrilled I would have been making my excited gestures and maybe happy-screaming. Yep, this girl who has been struggling to get through half a snack pack of crackers and a teeny container of peanut butter for dinner Monday night ate an entire plate of Panda Express!! So proud!!

And I finished my whole entire water bottle by 2pm!! And by the end of the day I’d had probably almost 5 cups of water! Words seem insufficient to describe the pride that I have for myself about that. Way back when this started I decided that the rules were 2 cups of fluids every day, and if I am being honest, I try really hard to meet the rules I set for myself, but they aren’t as important to me as the rules that other people make, so I didn’t necessarily always hit the 2 cup mark…in fact I can think of at least one day I barely hit the 2 ounce mark…

I am so proud!!

Although I was proud a little too soon about getting six hours of sleep…I was back down to three last night…but on the positive side, the sleep part of the time was more restful than it has been and I didn’t get up this morning feeling immediately like it was time to go back to bed, so there’s that.

Also, I would totally be an ambulance chaser if that were a real job. Today I saw a firetruck and an ambulance. They were a block away from where I was. I really really wanted to go see what was up. I didn’t primarily because if I drove over there I might get lost because I don’t have directions from some random corner to school…but I did try really hard to see what was going on as I turned left and almost forgot for too long that driving requires facing forward…lol…I couldn’t see anything because it was too far away…that was kinda sad…except I am smart enough to recognize that crowd control is kinda important in emergencies so it would not have been appreciated if any extra people stopped to gawk…

Also, I have awesome friends. Part of me says to be safe it is better to keep other people out, but the other part of me says that it is not good for girl to be alone. My friends are like my oxygen mask. I hold my breath counting down the minutes until the flow is turned on to let me breathe again. I am an extremely introverted extravert. I need people, I just don’t know how to find them.

Take one breath and then take another

(Mallary Hope – Now)

I’ve been checking every day for the past almost 4 weeks on Spotify for the song Now by Mallary Hope. I couldn’t find it on youtube, on Mallary’s website, or anywhere else on the internet. The only place I could find it was the radio which obviously means I couldn’t choose when I wanted to listen. Finally today it showed up on Spotify. When I first heard it in the car (while already crying) on March 25 I stared screaming at the radio that no, God isn’t there. I wasn’t ready to hear those truths, but somehow my soul knew that I needed this song and I kept searching for it. Now I believe again, and the song is even more meaningful as I am ready to admit that God does care. It is becoming a beacon of hope. Maybe someday it’ll be okay. Maybe someday it won’t hurt so much.

Last night, I listened to the audiobook of “Please be Patient, I’m Grieving” by Gary Roe. While I didn’t agree with every single thing (and that’s okay), there was a lot of it that was really validating. I feel so alone. I sense that the biggest thing I need is someone to just be there. You don’t need the perfect thing to say or have some tangible action to perform to serve me. I don’t need your words, I need you. I see people feel uncomfortable around me and I see my relationships change. I connect to the frustration of being asked what I need and having no idea. I understand that grief lasts longer than sympathy. I so agree that thinking is hard and I am deeply tired and it doesn’t feel like this will ever end. I don’t want to be a burden.

On the more positive side, I am starting to be able to remember the deep open wounds of some of my past hurts. Eventually they faded. Not completely away, and definitely not quickly, but over the course of the years the pain became less acute, less sharp, less overwhelming. I have to believe that someday the same will be true of this. Someday the pain will not be a constant companion stabbing me all day and night, never really leaving me alone.

Even though inside I’m such a mess

(Invisible – Skylar Grey)

I work so hard to put on my brave face every day, but it is so exhausting. With people I feel safe with I, usually fortunately, but in this case unfortunately, no longer am frozen enough that I can necessarily keep the tears from coming, but with strangers around, I can usually be pretty successful. I suppose that happens after lots of practice. “Only when no one is watching, can we really fall apart.” (Stained Glass Masquerade) I do fairly well in front of people, then I have alone time and I crash and burn. But I am thankful for the ability to put on the mask and pretend the world isn’t falling apart beneath my feet. The ability to most of the time be able to show up and at least LOOK like everything is fine is such a blessing.

And there is now a lot to be joyful about. No, I don’t have a job. And that hurts a LOT. But last night I got almost 6 hours of sleep. It might still not be enough, but it is SO much better than the 0 to 3 I was getting. And I’ve already finished breakfast. There might have been cheerios spilled all over the floor and table when I was done, but an entire serving’s worth of cheerios also made it to my mouth, so that is a success. And last night skittles started sounding good again, so maybe things will get at least a little easier. It was really hard when even things like skittles and jolly ranchers didn’t sound good. I’m willing to sacrifice a little nutrition to get the calories in right now since I know I need them, but when even candy doesn’t sound good it starts feeling impossible. I’ve been fighting for over 4 weeks now, so I’ll take whatever breakthrough I can find.

Sometimes the success is that I bleached a spot on the floor under the table but I didn’t bleach the whole house or even the whole floor and I didn’t bleach any part of myself…just going to say that I will definitely never own the kind of pet that can throw up if I ever have a pet of my own. Even when I am doing fine, it absolutely terrifies me cleaning up cat vomit…and not going to lie, the biggest reason I never leave my room in the dark without my nightlight is not to avoid running into things and being loud. It is in case there is cat vomit on the floor, because touching it would be like the worst thing ever. (moderate exaggeration). Yep, the reason I asked for a nightlight was partially a germ thing…but now I have the most amazing nightlight like ever…so…you should be jealous…but not really because that’s a sin.

Someone was talking about people being emotional burn victims. I don’t remember the context of the comment, like what kind of people are emotional burn victims, but I had to admit that it made a lot of sense with where I am right now. I saw on facebook a quote “when a door closes, open it again, that’s how doors work.” Previously that would have just made me comment verbally to myself but not in writing “you just don’t get it” and then I would have moved on. This morning I read it and I wanted to drop kick my computer and scream that the door is too heavy and it is locked and I don’t have the key and I am too tired. I can’t. I am way too old to throw a temper tantrum like that, so obviously I didn’t actually do it, but yeah, not an age appropriate response.

Okay…and the fact that I started getting frustrated with people asking me to let them know what I need…Like I’m kinda busy putting my energy into getting food and water in my mouth. I ain’t got the energy to spare to figure out what I need. I could say I need a job, but we both know you can’t give that to me.

And…apparently I met someone at church this weekend. Hashtag fail at life. I haven’t got a clue who it is.

 

Little did they know he’d turn their cry day to good Friday

(Good Day on a Bad Day – Fish Tales Musical)

So I was trying to find a video on youtube with clear enough audio to get the correct words to good day on a bad day…I failed at that, but did find one that made me smile…there was one with a kid in the back who likely had “special needs” and started jumping up and down when they sang that Christ rose again. It was super adorable. Also, I hate the term “special needs.” I mean, doesn’t everyone have special needs because everyone is uniquely gifted and everyone has their own weaknesses? How come my needs aren’t special?

So last night I realized that my nutrition has been missing one food group for a while…the calcium group…At home I only drink milk at dinner and I wasn’t home for dinner a lot of nights…and here I haven’t been to the grocery store because I hate the ambiance at grocery stores and I hate grocery shopping…and I don’t drink the same kind of milk as the people I live with so I can’t just share…and someone offered to buy me milk but I didn’t feel like drinking it right then anyway so I said no…

And to add to the problem, yesterday I got permission to leave school like 3.5 hours early…okay cool, right? Except, that meant I left around 3pm so I had no reason to try to get dinner in my mouth yet. The plan was that I would go to church, hang out, do homework, go to a meeting, then go back to school and eat and go to FCA. The plan was a decent idea…except I felt like I was going to fall off the swing and someone was already sitting at my other favorite spot so I was totally enthusiastic when asked about walking to the park and I didn’t do homework…or right the letter of intent that I should have also been writing. Then I wasn’t ready to leave church until like 15 minutes after FCA was supposed to start and I was exhausted and decided that I should probably just go back to the house. I am 90% sure there is a microwave at church I could have used…actually, I know where two of them are, but both of those are in places that I didn’t feel comfortable inviting myself. Side note…how many days can a raw egg stay in my lunch box before it goes bad? Assume that the lunchbox is not left in my hot car and that the egg goes back in the refrigerator from like on average 8:45pm to 5:05am…’cause there may be an egg in my lunchbox going on 3 days now…So yeah, I had a handful of rice chex for dinner. I had an egg and a couple rice chex and a starburst and a chips ahoy cookie for lunch. I had apple juice and 5 cheerios for breakfast…and so I got home and had most of my calories for the day in the form of chocolate and buttercream frosting…and even I am smart enough to know that it is not sustainable to get most of your nutrition from multivitamins and most of your calories from dessert…even if that is sorta similar to what I’d love to do all the time. Side note again that the biggest reason I take a multivitamin is because my counselor second year thought it would help my germ issues…yep, I as a pharmacy student took my medication advice from a counselor…but sometimes things stick and even though it took me a couple years to be ready to try taking a multivitamin (hello, germ issues), now I’ve done it pretty consistently for a while. I’m almost out and not sure that I’m going to buy more unless I can’t get my eating back on track, because thinking realistically, I don’t think I really need it. Mostly I eat kid foods that are already fortified with a bunch of stuff.

So anyway, all that to say that this is what success looks like:

Yep, that’s an empty yogurt pouch. I hate yogurt except the kind with the m&m’s in it and the froxen kind which is definitely NOT the same as regular yogurt frozen. Once I mixed coffee with vanilla yogurt and put it in the freezer thinking I’d have coffee frozen yogurt…umm, no. That might have been more gross than the time I forgot there was sprite in my cup and poured vanilla milk on top. So anyway, I gave myself the option of eating the pouch, stopping at the grocery store, or texting people that I was too irresponsible to take care of myself…and I picked the pouch. Plus, the pouch was going to expire soon so I was either going to need to eat it, find a way to use it in a recipe, or throw it away. And I am finding that I am a lot less picky when my body is hungry even if I am not hungry. Not even just the yogurt. Monday for dinner was chicken (okay, I can do that) with some kind of sauce on it (oh no…how do I be polite?!). At first I probably had less than the 6-year-old, but when offered more, I accepted. It wasn’t my favorite, but it wasn’t really so bad…

Sometimes my brain doesn’t process and respond to information the way I would hope it would. I’m kinda argumentative sometimes. On Wednesday I was asked about whom I was talking…and was like NO, it wasn’t (name) the (occupation), it’s (name) (other name)’s friend…umm, yeah…those are the exact same person…but to me it was totally different. When I talk to her in her occupation role, I act more professionally – smiley faces and doodled flowers are okay but that’s the limit to the cutesy-ness. When I talk to her in a friend role I can just be whatever me is in there whether that is the excessively introverted version or the bouncing off the walls version – I can just be me, whatever that means.

I am always me, because there ain’t anyone else I can be. I am the me who limbo’ed under the guard rails at the metro station because I didn’t hear a train coming and didn’t feel like waiting (success, I at least listened instead of just going and assuming there wasn’t one). Not everyone thinks like me. In class a couple days ago I was trying to explain why a water-based product will be drying…and I start talking about running water over your hands…and everyone looks at me like I’m crazy…yep, OCD makes you learn things that are very relevant to derm management…I am someone who knows what it is like to essentially have no skin oils on my hands for so long that feeling it on my skin was a trigger as the skin healed enough and washing frequency decreased enough for skin oil to come back…so yes, wet and dry are things with which I certainly have plenty of familiarity.

Yesterday I got two packages. One was my grad announcements…with the wrong name on them. Umm, yeah, not even close.

The other was from my parents…got a pair of headphones and a charger that I needed from my room at home. The headphones aren’t the pair I would have picked, but they probably were the most obvious because they are biggest since I use this pair for biking, but they work and now I can have music without bugging other people. Well, actually I guess I don’t need the charge so much anymore, because yesterday the library was giving out chargers for free…but now I have the same number of chargers as things to charge whereas before I had one charger and four things to charge.

There was another thing I was going to write about but Imma save it for later ’cause this is already getting too long and my homework isn’t getting done.

And so to have a silver lining there must be clouds

(Every Cloud has a Silver Lining – Thomas and Friends)

I am sorry for being such a Debbie Downer. It is okay to be sad, but I shouldn’t bring everyone else down with me.

So let’s talk about all the good things.

Passover was not as scary as it seemed. I don’t like horseradish and apples, but I liked the other things. And strawberries are awesome.

I have incredible friends. Friends who care about me a lot. I might be really good at talking myself in circles, but stick a good friend into the middle and suddenly I am breaking free of the cycle and can come up with enough logical thought to (for example yesterday) figure out how all my needs can work together safely. I have friends who very obviously have more important things to do who will take the time to talk with me.

I have somewhere to live the whole time I am in this state. That is awesome!

I was starting to get crabby last night and said I didn’t like politics because it is just a bunch of people whining or yelling at each other about how stupid other people are. Luckily, the people I was talking with were like yeah, (insert name here) does that a lot…they didn’t realize I was pretty much talking about them at the moment. Yep, I am very protective, so I don’t like when people say hurtful things about other people even if the other people probs won’t find out.

My stats on my blog went way up last night…that usually means the bad people are back…but I have a choice; I can either be upset that they are back and thus limiting what I can say, or I can be thrilled that I am currently being successful!! Might as well choose being thrilled…’cause I mean, I probably should be careful ALL the time anyway…

I can be frustrated that my journal and Bible and pens are most likely at church since I couldn’t find them anywhere else…or I can be thrilled that in the process of looking for them I found a metal butter knife in one of my boxes that I didn’t know that I had. Metal knives are better at getting lemonade mix out of the container without making a mess. Plus, now I could show up with just my keys and have everything I needed next week (although a new pen color would be helpful it would certainly not be necessary)…

I woke up at 2 this morning, which as a stand alone fact is not good, but in context, it is great. Two is the time I woke up for water before, and that is what I wanted this morning. At baseline I would have gone back to sleep after water time, but even just that the timing of the water break lines up with “normal” times seems like a positive sign.

And now I really need to comb my hair and find some socks and pack up my stuff and bring myself to school…and then hurry up and get some words in the boxes on my assignment so if I am asked about progress it doesn’t look like I did basically nothing but look for the most awesome picture of the little mermaid and smokey the bear for my project…’cause I think my preceptor cares a little more about the words on the page than the pretty pictures…

And it burns like third degree

(Switchfoot – I won’t let you go)

God is good. He isn’t good because I have incredible friends, nor would he be not good if I had no friends. He wasn’t not good when I was denied the job I had been working towards for as long as I can remember. No, God is not good because of my life circumstances, but the persistence of my awesome friends loving on me allowed me to once again acknowledge the goodness of my God. I am still grieving my loss (although the DSM IV says I should have been done 8 days ago), but I finally have been able to acknowledge that God cares even though right now it hurts so much. I still can’t hold on to hope because the tiny glimmers are vanish before they even really become real, but now I can recognize how God helped me through it so far. God gave me a best friend who didn’t get upset when I yelled at her via text about how God doesn’t care and she even invited me into the craziness of her life and continued to be my primary support while I was drowning and she certainly had more important things to do. God gave me a manager who was understanding and accommodating and coworkers who understood at least enough of what I was going through to not make me take my whole breaks or even tease me about it…and that is huge, because I used to constantly be in trouble about not taking my breaks, because my choices were either take them or cancel them, but I wasn’t taking my breaks or cancelling them…I was just working. And I had people at church who loved on me when I was falling apart…and one who invited me in without even knowing what was going on…and I (kinda mostly sorta) started eating and drinking and sleeping again…so yeah, I don’t a job. I don’t have my dream job, but I know God is still here even when I am laying on a futon in an office crying my little heart out before I put on pajamas and go to bed. I might continue to be sad, but it is okay to be sad. It isn’t wrong or bad. It just is.

Damaged people know they can survive…also, because I am pretty much the most terrible liar in the whole world…I can’t help but admit on my completely unrestricted blog that I told a half truth today…which yes I do recognize is the same thing as telling a whole lie…so to set the premise for this confession, when I was a second year, someone asked me how I would kill myself if I wanted to do it…I had absolutely no idea. My guess would be that the intent of the question was to judge my safety before allowing me to start setting my own rules because this person thought I shouldn’t set rules because I would set myself up for failure and be so frustrated with myself that perhaps I’d do something I shouldn’t. In reality, I desperately needed SOMEONE to set rules for me and if she wasn’t going to do it I was going to set my own rules. I needed structure; I created structure. It worked extremely well for me and brought me a lot more progress than talking (okay fine, writing and miming) about my fear was ever going to do. So anyway, back to the point, I had no idea and didn’t have the insight at the time to understand why I was being asked, so I figured I should probably figure out how I would kill myself if I wanted to do it. So yes, I do have a plan, despite the fact that I denied it today. But the intent of today’s question I KNOW was to assess safety, and there is a huge difference between knowing how you would do it if you were going to and having any intention at all of actually doing it…not to mention that I am way too exhausted these days to have the executive function to actually carry out any kind of plan even if I did want to. But it WAS still a half truth…the question was technically phrased do you have a plan you were thinking about…and that thinking about part is where I made it a half truth…’cause at this point it is hard to call anything I am doing thinking…mind rambles might be moderately descriptive…or maybe neurons firing almost randomly to create an approximation of a bubbly life while joy is lost…but I mean, thoughts are kinda stretching it…

Try to put the pieces together

(Free to be Me – Francesca Battistelli)

That title seemed fitting because this post is a bunch of random thoughts that don’t really fit together…but writing even just seemingly random thoughts helps clear my brain space to be able to think logically enough and sit still enough to write more than three words without getting distracted and doing something else in the middle…it helps a lot in coherency of my homework.

This is good because as I worked on my homework this morning it is extremely obvious that I am a morning person and also which parts I worked on in the morning versus later in the day…the questions, answers and explanations make sense and then suddenly partway through the page the grammar and logic seem to just vaporize and disappear…

I think I finally put into words the lesson I learned through the issues at school: Just because hurt people hurt people doesn’t mean that loved people love people. I can’t love people out of hurting me. I shouldn’t protect people who are hurting me to create a safe place so that they’ll be nice. It won’t work. But I still feel the guilt and shame that I should have been able to fix it. I mean, yeah, in retrospect I should have stopped loving and started tattling and gotten out of the relationship, but the fact that I care too much about protecting that person to create a no doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. It just means that as an adolescent with a not fully developed brain I didn’t yet have the capacity to fix it myself nor did I have the capacity to share enough hints that the other adults in the situation had enough to have reasonably figured out what was happening…if I hadn’t been the unpaid secretary helping students when they were super frustrated maybe someone would have gone to someone who could have changed things. So maybe it is my fault that this still happens. Okay, time for this paragraph to shut up because clearly I am not able to write about this AND be nice to myself…

Sometimes you just know what you need is a break in a safe place. I tried that at lunch time on Friday and couldn’t find it…got close until the person whose office and company I was borrowing realized she had something she really needed to do…and so I left to go have lunch even though I was having a rough day and food was sounding like too much. Success: I ate lunch. Fail: and then I tried to do homework but never actually got it all the way out because I started crying and ended up spending the rest of my 2.5 hours lunch break trying to calm down and compose myself to be able to go to class.

I made it to class. I should have been more focused but just being there was the level of energy I had to give right then. I knew that it was time when class was over to take some time for myself…I went to the place I have always run (well, always driven) for a sense of safety and due to the fact that I don’t want certain people to know where I go and follow me there thus taking away my hideout, I am going to refrain from mentioning where said place is…plenty of people probably have a pretty good guess, but right now I am worried about being found and having nowhere so I ain’t makin’ it easy. In reality, the person I am worried about has actually been pretty respectful recently, but I can’t afford to take chances. Usually I go sit in a chair or on a swing, or my first week back in this state I went and walked around the block to create distraction to make it easier to meet my water goals, but today even walking as far as a chair seemed overwhelming, so I sat down in the back of my car, turned on Spotify, and took a short nap. When I woke up the world wasn’t beautiful or anything, but at least I felt a little less pressed into a pancake. I then did feel like I could go to the swing and sit and release some energy. It was good…until I had to get back in the car and go home and I barely made it five blocks before I hit traffic and undid all the unwinding I’d just done.

Oh, you know, just napping in the back of the car…

But luckily once I got home things went pretty well. I intended to finish some homework tonight since I am feeling very much like the hurrier I go the behinder I get…so both of my major projects are barely started and both of my projects are due Tuesday…instead I had a delicious dinner and somehow my mouth kept saying yes I would like more thank you and I actually ended up finishing the day with a complete calorie load despite the jolly rancher subbing in for part of breakfast and the struggle to get through lunch…and then I learned about Passover since that is happening this weekend, and I learned about grieving and some other stuff in Judaism. I will admit that this non-change-loving girl is a little nervous about her first Passover celebration, but she is also excited to be learning…and is happy to do anything that makes her little six and a half year old buddy happy.

Also on like Thursday-ish…The awkward moment of checking your phone between classes to see a text “are you coming to the wedding this weekend?” Umm…crap…I forgot that I said I might do that…I legitimately have too much homework to make that even a remote possibility, but I really should have at least remembered enough to have said that I wasn’t going without being asked…

I’ve never been to a wedding before, and it doesn’t really seem that exciting to me. I’ve been to a funeral and both are pretty much the same thing as far as I’m concerned. Something is changing for eternity and therefore we will all get dressed up and sit still while someone reads the same Bible passage as always and some people walk around. Then we will eat. It is really only the and then we will eat part that has any interest points for me.

Also, I have the most amazingest friends ever. You should be jealous…actually you shouldn’t, because that is a sin…but you should totally find friends as awesome as mine.

Also, I’m kinda nervous about my first Passover celebration tomorrow. But damaged people are powerful. They know they can SURVIVE!