what do I have that I wouldn’t lose?

(Heart Like You – Love and the Outcome)

hashtag I know the picture isn’t totally centered on the background…I had issues trying to get the picture to even show up in the post…

1. Well, I don’t post names except of online friends…which means it isn’t cheating to just say that I am super thankful for my friends. I texted a couple of them yesterday, but there are so many others that are not any less important to me…just that I picked a couple to express my thanks then got distracted.
2.  I have been learning to eat a lot of things that I’d usually reject. I can even do it without cringing. It makes life around the dinner table a lot easier.

3. skittles. yum. (but seriously, as much as I love them, I have 5 lbs of them left at the moment and my clothes haven’t grown with my waistline).

4. meeting my best friend’s baby at only a handful of days old. Can I cheat and have a second thing: having a picnic with my best friend this summer. What can I say? People are important to me…both the children and the community.

5. My new sweatshirt jacket with thumb holes. I’ve never had a shirt with thumbholes before and I love it so much.

6. I was worried about having somewhere to sleep at night this year. I have had a place to stay every night, and probably will continue to have a place to sleep.

7. I am resilient. I haven’t let huge obstacles keep me from my ultimate dream. Perhaps some of the midpoint goals and desires have been forfeited, but the biggest goal still has the potential to come true (pediatric critical care pharmacy, here I come).

8. I am never not enough. I am always exactly who I was made to be, and that is enough.

9. I graduate in 170 days. I will be free!!!!! I’ve been looking forward to this day for almost two and a half years now.

10. I may have initially resented the comment by Certain Someone that I would probably only ever fit in at church (the implication being because those people are more accepting than the general population) because it was a way of telling me I wasn’t good enough and a way to belittle my firmly held religious beliefs. After three years to get over it and to experience more of the world, I am thankful that I do belong at church. I fit in not because no one else would want me–in fact I make friends easily and I do have friends with beliefs that differ from mine and even friends with no religious beliefs…but it is because these people are different that I fit in. These are people that truly love their neighbor and are willing to show compassion and consistently show kindness to a girl whose ability to trust was shattered. These are people willing to take the time to see past the everything is awesome façade to see that sometimes I’m so busy filling everyone else’s bucket that I’ve convinced myself mine doesn’t matter. These are people who, like Jesus, saw me lonely and invited me in, saw me scared and comforted me. I will never forget one of the first times as a fourth year I let my fear show and instead of being shamed and threatened and manipulated, was surprised to be met with kindness and concern…I was still scared enough that I chewed on my towel in front of a bunch of people, but that’s not the point. The point is that God has used his church to surround me with people who show me what it means to be loved, even in places where I walk in knowing no one.

 

 

We’re all dealt our lumps of coal; what you do with it can turn beautiful

(Nice Naïve and Beautiful–Plumb)

Sure, there are a lot of frustrating things in life, but there is a lot for which to be thankful.

I am thankful that I am not as stupid as some people…I read in the news today that there are some people suing Chipotle because they thought the burrito was only 300 calories but when they ate the whole thing they “felt excessively full.” First of all, what kind of idiot thinks that a Chipotle burrito could possibly be 300 calories? The rice alone probably has more calories than that before you even consider the meat, tortilla, toppings, etc. Second of all, the dude had options besides eating the entire things. Perhaps when the full feeling started instead of continuing to feed their faces they could have stopped eating. Bam. Problem solved…and not only that, but then there would be food security for the next day without any additional payment! What a concept! Just watch these people win themselves some free Chipotle for a year for complaining…Oh yeah, and I am thankful that I am not a whiner even if it means I have to obtain the things I want the polite and responsible way.

I am thankful that I can go with the flow. On Tuesday I was supposed to have a meeting at 1pm. I had an assignment at like 12:15 that I really wanted to get information for before I left. The assignment would probably take at least 30 minutes if not more to do well. The meeting was about 20 or so minutes away. I also needed to at least get some food heated up to eat on the way as I was hungry and my blood glucose at 12:30 was 75mg/dL (yep, my rotation partner now is convinced that my skittle habit is not a problem…I had chocolate cake and apple pie for breakfast that morning). So anyway, all that to say I was only about 1 minute late, but as soon as I arrived, I found out the meeting had been moved to 2pm at school…another 40ish minutes away. It was actually kind of nice to have some extra time…or rather it would have been if it hadn’t taken nearly the whole down time to get the computer turned on and logged in.

I am thankful that people seem to become friends with me before I even think about making friends with them…even if that is why my clothes don’t fit. I will admit that going back to 110 pounds which is probably what I would need for the dress I wanted to interview in to fit comfortably wasn’t a good or realistic plan…I don’t think I have ever been that small in my adult life…but the dress fit me well at 115 pounds before it shrunk in the wash…A lot of my clothes don’t fit primarily because when I went to South Dakota I made a bunch of friends and the main way I was able to spend time with them was to go to what was essentially a buffet three nights a week…that on top of getting meals from the cafeteria that were high in calories and generally low in nutrition…and that on top of the fact that I brought enough food with me that I probably could have gone most of a semester without so much as a grocery run with really only being a little deficient in the calcium category…and of course I come back to school area and am fed so much food. Having friends feels so good that I am happy with the trade of friendship in exchange for pounds…

I am thankful that I do not own a selfie stick…because that means that I am not a self-absorbed jerk. Not that owning a selfie stick necessarily makes you fall into that category, but just saying that I don’t really see the appeal outside of that category…

On a more serious note, I am very thankful for a safe place to sleep at night, and for that I am 172 days away from freedom. If it weren’t for how hard it was to find somewhere to live when I moved out of the res hall a few years ago and to find somewhere to live this year, I wouldn’t appreciate having somewhere to sleep nearly as much…and if it weren’t for how much school has put on my plate and what graduation represents, I wouldn’t be nearly as thrilled about graduating. I am very blessed.

**Just going to note that I still think the idea of listening to the names of all of my classmates and walking across a stage still seems like torture to me. I still have no use for that pointless ceremony. In my opinion, just throw my diploma in the mail and you can save both of us the effort of showing up and pretending this exercise is enjoyable…on the positive side, I am very thankful that it probably won’t be a zillionty degrees like the you have four years left at this place ceremony was…yeah, I don’t see much point in celebrating the fact that a month ago you started making me wear an uncomfortable jacket to most of my labs…dude, nothing changed from the year before except that now you are dictating my clothing choice…I wanna dress myself like a big girl please, and big girls don’t wear white coats…

Caught up in the halls of introspection

(House of Mirrors- Tenth Avenue North)

Can I just say that I adore children…except for when one of them decides my toothbrush is awesome and plays with it…Kids outside of an elementary school setting have never been a germ problem for me—even in situations it probably isn’t very safe I am happy to share with kids…and right now I am at a place where it is relatively hard to ruffle my germ feathers even though I always live life with a little bit of protection just in case to soften the fall if anything does happen. I will say though that someone playing with my toothbrush went pretty close to the zone of not okay with me. It’s a good thing she’s cute…and that it didn’t actually go in her mouth.

I think I finally identified what it is that bothers me so much about people bashing Trump…see, I knew there was more to it than just that people were being incredibly rude, because while I reacted to people bashing Hillary, internally I reacted more to Trump bashing. The difference is that the core complaint hits a little too close to home. The difference is that the main thing people seem to complain about is that he isn’t the greatest speaker (okay, that might have been putting it a bit too softly…he is a lousy public speaker). I get that he isn’t eloquent, but there are worse things at which to be lousy. TBH, it is my opinion that it doesn’t take eloquence to run a country. I, too, am not eloquent, not a good speaker. If I were judged solely on my social communication skills, people would probably have a lot of fuel for bashing me, too. Yes, I did tell someone a few months ago “maybe you should dance by yourself.” It was intended to be a positive comment, and you can probably tell that it doesn’t sound so positive when spoken. I do say a lot of dumb things when I don’t think before I start talking. The point I was trying to convey is easy to ignore, instead making fun of the way I expressed my opinion. I am lucky enough to be able to usually surround myself with people who will clarify and take a moment to understand what I am trying to say, and to not be surrounded by the media. Everyone has flaws, and not being well-spoken doesn’t make me or Trump a bad person. It just takes a little bit of being polite and listening to understand our hearts. Am I saying that I agree with every one of Trump’s policies? No, I am not, and I do not. (Note that I also do not agree with all of Hillary’s policies or all of Gary’s policies. They each had policies I liked as well as policies I disliked). I didn’t vote, and I can honestly say that the more I looked into the issues, the more the decision of the “best” candidate for presidency as well as the “best” candidate for whom to vote became foggy. I know I’ve talked about a few of the issues already, but based on the hate-speech I am still hearing about the candidates, I think further sharing of my opinion is probably not a prudent choice at this time. Like I heard on the radio one day, America desperately needed change and change is what we got. Regardless of the candidate filling the White House next year, it was going to be a change. Only time will tell exactly what that change will be. Because we are adults, we can show respect to our leader without agreeing with every one of their opinions.

Have you ever been spontaneously invited into the middle of a party and not known how to escape when it is almost midnight and you usually go to bed at 9? Yeah, that happened. It was probably good because I realized about the time I got in my car that I hadn’t made very good nutrition choices all day…hmm: cheerios for breakfast, noodles bread chips and skittles for lunch, crackers and cookies for dinner…what’s missing? Parties aren’t really the best for me getting nutrition in either, but I did at least add some protein to that list. I just had a little hard time trying to figure out how to excuse myself to go to bed. Like I unsuccessfully tried to explain to someone first year, knowing potential words to say and watching interactions has never really been enough in some areas of communication to pick up on the skills I need, because there are some situations that are just seem so different every single time that I can’t figure out how to properly imitate them or modify them to meet my needs. Leaving a conversation is one of those areas…and it is a problem both in person and on the phone. It is one that I really need to figure out though, because being at a party until almost midnight isn’t good when I have a ton of homework I really need to be doing…and sleep I really need to be getting…I was really proud of myself for staying in bed until almost six, but when I was most definitely awake by 3, it just isn’t quite enough. I have been trying to do homework but ending up staring at the screen or at my paper in a half asleep daze…so tired…

Speaking of nutritional choices…it was becoming obvious there was a problem right about the time I got in my car to go home. I knew the gas light had been on for a while. I knew the closest gas station was the opposite direction as home. I knew I had 10 miles left before completely empty. I went around the block to go to that closest gas station…then immediately realized that the closest one in the direction I actually needed to be heading to get home was definitely within 10 miles…so instead of turning left with a light like I could have done, I ended up turning left onto a busy road without a light…yep, I am an idiot sometimes. I did make it to the gas station without running out or getting lost…and then promptly drove past another gas station I totally could have made it to that was selling the gas for 20 cents cheaper per gallon…you can’t be picky when you live about 15 miles from church and are forgetful (and/or lazy) about keeping your car full of gas…especially when you are directionally challenged and never really know how far you’ll actually end up going in the process of getting from point A to point B. (Lol, people think when I am willing to try going somewhere myself that I must know what I’m doing—in reality, I have just gotten really comfortable with being super lost). Yeah, there are a lot of things about myself I would change if I could, but sometimes those same things can be positive. There’s always two sides to every coin, you just have to flip it over. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_hK6YG3jjI )

I had another paragraph written. I deleted it because it was probably going to offend someone. You’re welcome.

I saw me through your eyes

(through your eyes–Britt Nicole)

It might not make sense all of my choices, but sometimes there is a definite method to my madness.

See, I heated up my lunch and then realized I hadn’t brought a spoon or fork or anything with me with which to eat it. I couldn’t find anyone who had one I could borrow. I had eggs so I couldn’t really use my hands or really an inverted plastic bag either. I needed to eat, so plan A was to go hang out with a friend and borrow a spoon there. That didn’t work when the friend wasn’t available and it didn’t feel right to just go help myself to a spoon at church without any reason to be there. Plan B was to go to school, get a spoon, then study there. That plan was definitely not a good one. I did get a spoon and eat, but staying was not going to work. First, I couldn’t stop running into and talking to people. Second, I didn’t really feel safe so even when I was sitting down, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get anything done. After being away for a while the idea of being back at school during the day just is too hard for me. Evenings are okay because the probability of having a problem are so much lower, but during the day just wasn’t going to be good for me. I’ll have to tackle that later when I do a teaching rotation, but for now I can distance myself which is safer anyway.

So I settled on plan C: go to church and just hang out outside doing homework. It worked out reasonably well. I didn’t get All The Things done, but that wasn’t going to happen anywhere. I did realize that I apparently have no more bandaids in my lunch box, but I did find a “moist towelette” in my car that sufficiently cleaned up the blood when I tried to swing but managed to completely miss the swing and land on my bottom and my ankle.

I didn’t expect to see anyone, because there is a very short list of people that I feel comfortable texting in the middle of the day or just appearing to see, but just being at church is a safe place for me. I also actually did get to see one of my friends, and it made my day!! I wish I could have a work from home afternoon every afternoon!! Also, I wish I were in one place long enough to volunteer at the counseling center. I feel like even though I probably could get there this mod in enough time to have a few hours there in the evening that it wouldn’t really be good. It would be WONDERFUL for me, but for the clients I feel like it might not because in my opinion, consistency is probably more important than someone to greet you when you walk in the door. Maybe I’m wrong…but anyway, I loved being over there and it made me really miss even more all the people I had to say goodbye to back in May. Those people were some of the most amazing people I know…hmm, perhaps what that actually means is that I need to just take the risk of being annoying and just ask people if they want to catch up with me for a few minutes.

Where I studied was also pretty awesome because I could take a walk after every few pages read to use up some energy without people staring at me. That works out really well so I can sit still and focus better…and so that I am not so annoyed when the traffic is ridiculous coming home. I might have to add going on a walk to an every time I’m going to have to get into the car when I don’t wanna, because usually I feel really cooped up which makes me feel frustrated when traffic is bad. This time I was able to stay calm enough to realize that some people are very respectful and polite and others act like jerks. I also could think logically that I’ll get there when I get there and as long as the average rate is over 10mph then I’m going faster than I could bike.

Like a warrior, fight

(Love with your life—Hollyn)

Oh my…let’s just say that after the first day the rotation can only get better from here. Where to even start?

I gave myself an extra 45 minutes to get lost on part one of the adventure to get an ID. I didn’t get lost (SCORE)…well, at least not until I needed to find somewhere to leave my car…in the process of looking I took a few wrong turns that took me out of the city…oops…so I got back on track and (gasp how dare they!!) the place I parked like three years ago was no longer a legal parking spot. After trying to get turned around again without getting hopelessly lost, I momentarily considered just parking in the lot I knew how to get to. Sure, there were signs about it being $15 for anyone not using the building it is next to, but I used to go to that building and there was nothing I did then to show I was at that building so it isn’t like anyone would have to know the difference…but always the rule follower, I couldn’t make myself do that…so off to continue looking…and like there are no legal parking spots even in the paid parking lots and meters that are open. So yes, I did spend 50 minutes looking for somewhere to put my car before finding somewhere and not even caring how much it cost by that point…which means by the time I figured out the ridiculous body scan and bag/watch scan station to get into the building I was late and frustrated and ready to go home and not come back. It would have been really awesome if that could have been its own day and I could have gone home after that…instead I next had to navigate to clinic. Of course like one block away from where I actually parked there was a free parking lot…go figure…(You didn’t hear it here, but after all that I’m thinking that if there is a next time I will be parking in the lot I know about and go inside to wash my hands or something so I can honestly say that yes I was a visitor of that building…but really I’d prefer to just not go back, and that will most likely be a reality)…so anyway, I made it the rest of the way there only getting lost once…on the same block that the clinic is on…well unless you count inside the building. The security guard gave me directions to the pharmacy. I tried really hard to follow them and got lost inside the building.

Of course discussion the first day was about the one homework assignment I hadn’t even started yet…and yes, I will admit that I left that one for last because it was the combination of most difficult and least interesting to me…

I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing aside from the fact that is supposed to be done ASAP. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to have to talk to adults with two to three other people watching me knowing I am being graded for what I saw. That is pretty much one of the worst ways for there to be anything intelligent coming from my mouth…

And I got reassigned to spend most of my time at the clinic to which I wasn’t originally assigned and I preferred the location of the one to which I was previously assigned.

It’s only five weeks and as long as I pass I will be done. One thing I know about life is that it goes on.

We Could Really Live Like This

(Giants Fall-Francesca Battistelli)

Sorry if I turned anyone off with my last post…I know politics are one of those things you aren’t supposed to talk about it you want people to like you…I was just so frustrated about how hurtful people were being towards each other. It’s an opinion and a president–nothing that really matters in the grand scheme of things. If you want to complain then please do so respectfully, and if you want to argue about a particular issue, make sure that the candidate you are complaining about is actually not on the same side that you are–’cause in truth probably 90% or more of the complaints I have seen (on both Hillary and Trump) have shown that the person complaining didn’t actually know that candidates views.

Nearly 50% of the eligible voters didn’t vote, but I saw this visual on facebook, and I think it explains visually pretty well why we have the electoral college (just posting this since I keep seeing people saying how the electoral college should be abolished). The electoral college is an important part of the checks and balances in our country that protect us. The Supreme Court is another. Our founding fathers deliberated on these systems to make our country the best it could be and ya’know, I’d rather have a president I didn’t vote for than have a tyrannical dictatorship. Not sayin’ just sayin’. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we have to put on our big boy pants or big girl pants and recognize that when we have to work together we have to make compromises because no one likes a bossy sore loser.

Also, I am so sad to be leaving this rotation. I will admit that as far as learning goes, I could have gone to a facility that wasn’t involved in healthcare and learned similar things because I didn’t learn much pharmacy here, but instead got more practice with interpersonal communication and other “soft skills.” I have made so many friends here though, and in the pharmacy I felt like I was really able to make a difference because I work efficiently and can get things done, and without a family in the area to distract me by constantly calling me about things, I only needed a lunch break and not a bunch of phone call breaks. I will miss my friends here. I knew them for such a short time, but I felt like in that short time we got to know each other pretty well. I will miss them so much. Some friends got me these:

So true. Also, I will miss feeling piles of leaves on my toes walking to church when I leave soon. I won’t miss having a shower that sometimes randomly gets cold though. That I am happy to leave behind.

Also, being so far away from school is amazing. Any time I am out of the state my school is in I can breathe a little easier knowing that if anyone tries to hurt me there will be definite consequences for that person because there will be no way to construe it so that that person is not in the wrong enough to do something about it. Not that I wish consequences on anyone, because I don’t, but the fact that there would be more than a slap on the wrist makes me feel safe knowing that I don’t think someone would take that big of a risk to hurt me. It is one thing to do something if you don’t think anyone will find out and/or know if they do find out you can make an excuse for it, it is another thing to do it when you will definitely be caught–and just happening to show up in another state would be pretty hard to explain away…There are also some incredible people at school and in that area that I really really miss when I am away, but really it’d be better if I could pack up all the good people and bring them with me and just leave the people I don’t know and the people I don’t like behind. So yeah…I had really good intentions of doing homework this morning, but so far I haven’t even started packing up my car, so it is time to put down the computer and put my shoes on and start being a responsible adult. I am excited to eat a Panera pumpkin bagel when I get home tonight.

Calling them names because they’re different is wrong

(I can be your friend—VeggieTales)

I hate election time because of all of the hatred and hurtfulness that people spew. The headlines are full of stuff like “Hillary should be in prison, not the white house.” First of all, we have a legal justice system in this country that determines whether or not someone belongs in prison. We also have an innocent until proven guilty policy. Oh, and it is “we the people” who get to decide whether or not Hillary will move into the white house…well, we the people with the help of the electoral college, but that’s a conversation for another day and not really relevant to this conversation. Second, how do you think Hillary feels seeing that kind of headline? Why must we be so cruel to those with whom we disagree? And then the headlines of “your body belongs to Trump.” I can’t say I read the article to which this was attached, but I am guessing it was surrounding the topic of abortion. No, your body doesn’t belong to Trump, and I can guarantee he did not say that. I know you know how you feel when someone makes comments about your actions that are false. Do you really think Trump feels any differently? Your body does not belong to Trump. I might be lousy at history, but even I know slavery was outlawed a LONG time ago. And abortion isn’t about what you do with your body, abortion is about what you do with someone else’s body who isn’t yet able to defend him or herself. If it isn’t okay to murder your children when they can scream then it shouldn’t be okay to murder them when they can’t. (Side note, if it were YOUR body we were talking about then post abortion you would be dead…not sayin’ just sayin’). Today I got onto facebook and 90% of what I saw was people spewing hate about the candidates. (The other 10% was mostly the adorable children posts that are part of why I even have facebook). It really bothers me to see this hurtfulness towards those two people and towards anyone who has a different opinion.

Y’all you might only see these people on TV, and they might look kinda funny, but they are not just TV characters; they are real people. They are people with real feelings and real thoughts and real emotions.

You are entitled to your own opinion. So are they. So is your neighbor who voted differently from you or didn’t vote at all. In all reality, the president doesn’t have THAT much power over our everyday lives. No president is going to mandate what time you set your alarm or whether you shower in the morning or at night or what time to have lunch—the things that really affect your day to day remain unchanged. When I woke up this morning nothing was different than yesterday in my life—nor will anything truly change the day that our new president gets the keys to the white house. (Side note that the vice president kinda gets the short stick–how come the vice president doesn’t get a cool house). You don’t have to like the opinions of the person elected, but you should be a decent human being and show respect to the person elected. You don’t have to like how your neighbor voted, but you are still going to have to live with them the other over 1400 days until the next election, so it is going to be best for both of you if you can get it through your thick skull that your neighbor is another person worthy of respect.

Perhaps the news media and the social media folks need a reminder that as the adage says, if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Have we forgotten our manners? Did we forget “the inside is the part that we’re supposed to care about; that’s where we’ve got feelings that are very much the same…it’s okay if we are different.” It is okay to be friends with people who do not share your exact same opinions. If everyone had the exact same opinions the world would be pretty boring. If you refuse to be friends then let’s remember that being rude and hurtful towards other people doesn’t show how superior you are; in fact, it pretty much just makes you seem childish. Let’s grow up and be civil towards people—even the ones who *gasp* aren’t identical to us.

every little thing

(Giants Fall—francesca battistelli)

Sometimes you just gotta take a weekend to relax and be stupid…So…the house I am in has completely separate heating and cooling systems…which means if I am messing around and turn the heat one way up but leave the cooling one alone it’ll get really warm by my bed against where the heat comes out in my room, and most of the house’ll stay pretty much the same temperature, but the bathroom and kitchen where there are no heat vents will be freezing because the cooling will be going crazy trying to keep up with the heat. Yeah…someone designed this house so there is cooling in every room, but heat only in the bedrooms and living room.

Today is apparently my WordPress anniversary…wordpress alerted me to that about an hour and a half ago…I feel like I should celebrate or something…too tired though…plus, I’ve been stuffing my face with snacks and candy and stuff all day trying to stay awake and hold myself over until meal times and really the only way I know how to celebrate is to shove good food in my face…

Have I mentioned how much I hate daylight savings…see, the clock said three, but my stomach said 5 and therefore way past time to eat, so I had a ridiculous amount of snacks and candy trying to wait until a more normal time to eat…also since staying up late is super hard for me, it means that the transition is really hard, because while I don’t bother changing my schedule much when I change time zones, I do for daylight savings since for one, it lasts half a year, and for two, it is hard enough to adapt to a world of night owls as an early bird without becoming an even earlier bird. Going to bed at 7 and getting up at 3 doesn’t work in the real world, and even once I leave this time zone, going to bed at 8 and getting up at 4 isn’t a long term solution—especially considering how many events I already attend that keep me up late. So anyway, even though I am over-tired and crabby for a while, it is better in the longterm for now to change with the clock…just sayin’ that I didn’t sign up to vote this year, and even if I had I wouldn’t be voting for Hillary or Trump, because both of them seem kinda wacked out, (Gary Johnson would have been my vote because he at least is pretty normal and since he doesn’t really have much of a partisan backing he won’t be able to do anything unless it is actually a good idea). If one of them was going to get rid of all these dumb clock changes though, I would make sure I found a way to vote. I hate losing an hour in the spring because I feel cheated out of my study time, but in all honestly, I probably lose more than an hour in the fall because it is so hard for me to adjust to staying up an extra hour later. Actually, I don’t “probably” lose more than an hour, I definitely lose more than an hour. I tried to make the change Saturday night instead of Sunday morning in hopes of being at least marginally more adjusted and less exhausted by Monday, and because I do so poorly with staying up late, I used up most if not all of the hour this morning attempting to sleep in because I was too tired to get up…I still wake up way too early, but now it is even longer to wait before it is a normal waking time…not fun…and since I need about three times as long or so in the morning to make up for staying up late, that is even longer to wait…whoever invented all these clock changes was an idiot.

Anyway, I was reading the back of a bottle of sanitizer and there was a warning that if used on the floor it might be slippery while wet…hahaha…no kidding…

Also, the song “wouldn’t want me” by the wonderful Stephanie Pauline has been on my mind. Such powerful imagery. Also, I drew a really awesome picture of a park bench on my church bulletin this morning. I was really proud of myself and am considering whether I should cut it out and put it in my journal 🙂

I could tell she’d been a beauty as far as beauties go, long before the light had ever left her soul

Hey! Do you want to go to heaven? Do you want to be set free?

She just looked at me and said with a smile, God wouldn’t want me. She thought, God wouldn’t want me.

Maybe God wants me yet.

hand up worries down

(love and the outcome—God I know)

BTW, I LOVE this song right now.

So I just realized I have about a week left of this rotation and a lot of work left to do, so I’m gonna try to write all the things that I have half written on scraps of paper and stuff but do it FAST…lol…

 

You know you are still a social learner and still using scripting when it is 8:01 am and you wish someone a good night. Yep, did that. Well, on the positive side, I did use words that were not strictly required, which is a lot more than I used to do. After that experience I tried really hard to modify my script to a good DAY rather than a good NIGHT. Once I practice it into a script it is hard to change, but mostly I have switched over to a more appropriate greeting for the morning. Also on the positive side: one of the pharmacists at my rotation site told me that she thought my social skills were fine!! Y’all, that seriously means like the world to me. Every preceptor so far has given me the feedback that my clinical skills and other knowledge are great, but that my communication and social skills need some development. I wholeheartedly agree, and am very thankful that so far each of them has been willing to modify my grade so that it didn’t hurt my GPA. I don’t think anyone has ever told me before that I had reasonable social skills!! The closest I’ve ever gotten to that was first year when my friend literally got out of her chair and jumped up and down out of excitement when I used the phrase “I haven’t thought about that” instead of “I don’t know.” So yeah, a comment that there wasn’t a problem in that area was one of the most amazing things someone could say to me. It was a recognition that my hard word was starting to pay off. Sure, I am still practicing conversation with myself in the car and I am still doing a LOT of observing and mimicking and watching for cause and effect to figure out how to communicate, but I used to do all that and still be obviously impaired. Now, apparently, I do all that work and it makes me seem like a normal girl. Yay!! I wish someone had realized there was a problem and gotten me help before I became a college student who fended for herself and when necessary communicated primarily in writing, but I can’t take that back and can only move on from there. In the past few years I have learned to talk on the phone, text, email, and speak normally enough to pass as a normal college student. There is still evidence that I used to struggle, but it isn’t glaringly obvious anymore, and rarely does anyone see the deer in the headlights girl when there is the potential for words being necessary. Occasionally I do kinda avoid answering the phone when I am on rotation, but that is stemming more from knowing that there is a 95% chance I won’t be able to help the person on the other end rather than the pure terror of the phone that fueled my pretend inability to locate the phone in the past.

 

Speaking of improving social skills, it is sometimes unfortunate, because as I’ve learned to enjoy in person social contact, I have begun to crave it. No longer is looking at a facebook profile picture enough to satisfy my social needs. It also means that when people leave my life it actually matters a lot more. Which makes it hard when I am moving every five weeks and therefore leaving behind friends constantly. I hate goodbyes. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into my shell where someone leaving my life didn’t matter very much because I never knew how to get overly connected to anyone—even my best friends. Now I connect and have to let go.

 

Change in subject, I found out this morning that I am not the only one who has ever had physical manifestations of anxiety. In high school there were a few times I vomited because of test anxiety, and even since then I do sometimes have stomachaches because of anxiety (which is unfortunate, because the anxiety is usually surrounding fear of getting sick…). Not that I ever would even wish my enemies would feel sick, but it was good to know that my friend had a stomachache because of anxiety, because that normalized it for me. Okay fine, and it made the whole situation a lot less scary because my OCD decided to flare this week. I know exactly what happened: I was still super sensitive because of the recent move to a completely new environment. On Sunday someone had said she had just thrown up. A few hours later someone said it was flu season and they were pretty sure someone was going to start vomiting. At the hospital I think it was on Monday but it might have been Tuesday I saw and heard someone throwing up over and over and over and over. That is what broke me and I almost didn’t eat lunch that day. I took my lunch break because the anxiety was so high that I was struggling to do the basic task of alphabetizing and dispensing prescriptions. I went and got some food because I know better than to skip lunch and was determined that OCD was not going to win. I stared my food down for a few minutes before putting it into my mouth, but I was wildly successful. I started putting food in my mouth, and as I did, the anxiety dropped far enough that 95% of the food made it to my mouth. Food is my drug.

 

Speaking of anxiety, I know that lack of sleep can make me vulnerable, but I learned yesterday that if I am exhausted enough then it is like I don’t have the energy to feel anxiety and the mute button goes on. It makes it a lot easier to give presentations that way. I am not saying that intentionally not sleeping would be a good idea for presentations…in fact, it probably makes the presentation worse because I can’t track what I am saying long enough to even get to the end of a sentence and know where I was going with it when I was at the beginning of the sentence, but it is really nice to be able to give a presentation with no fear. I will note that it was not intentional that I didn’t get much sleep. I was up a little late because two of my friends were going to leave soon and I wanted to get in as much time as possible. Then at midnight I woke up to a lot of beeping. I thought someone was texting. Then I realized I was the only one in the house and if someone was texting then it must be an intruder, so either there was an intruder or there was an unidentified noise that I should probably ignore. I decided I would get out my computer and look up the number for security just in case I needed it then I would try to figure out where the noise was coming from and if I could get it to go away…well, as it turns out, the sound was my computer. It apparently had come open in my bag and among other things was trying to send an email without the recipient filled in and therefore continued to beep about an error. Craziness. So I solved that problem, reset all the settings that had gotten screwed up on the computer, plugged it in because it was now almost completely out of battery, and tried to go back to sleep. Hahaha good luck with that. There were train whistles almost constantly until about an hour before the alarm went off. Needless to say, I turned the alarm off and went back to sleep, waking up in just enough time to my rotation on time but not enough time to do any of the practicing I intended to do in the morning.

 

Fear is a funny thing. I am scared of a lot of things…but not the things I should be scared about. I drove around with my gas light on not knowing where I might find a gas station and I stopped half asleep in the dark at a gas station in a city that may or may not be overly safe. And I had no fear about this process…yep…I can be terrified of things that shouldn’t matter one day and have no fear about things that do the next…my mom has always said that normal is a really low standard, but I still really believe that I’d like to be normal some day.