It’s Never Done

(Local Construction – Relient K)

Today as I was driving home I was so incredibly thankful for the kind people I called at the police department at approximately midnight yesterday evening last year.

That day I’d filled two U-haul’s with most of the contents of my apartment (which was about a half mile from the loading dock of that building) so I was physically exhausted. And the events earlier in the day had left me emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed. And I’d just got home from saying goodbye to my Bible study friends at around midnight so I was feeling the grief of separation, and I was also sleep exhausted. I walked up to my apartment and was just so terrified. I’d found out earlier that day that my attempts to stay as far away as possible from the bad people had failed. And that I’d been being tracked. And that pictures and videos had been snuck of me in leggings which I’d started wearing barely a month or so prior. I felt violated, but more than that I just felt afraid. I didn’t know what to do, but I found a business card from the police on the floor. And I called the number. And I didn’t really know what I wanted them to say when I called, but once I got through the phone tree I got someone who was kind. This person explained that they didn’t really have the staffing to send someone out immediately unless I really felt like it was an emergency but I could choose a time on Tuesday for someone to come out if I wanted, or if I felt more comfortable I could come to them. By the time these options were presented I already felt a little better, and the fact that these people were willing to come if I needed them made me feel safe enough to turn on enough lights to shower and get ready to sleep. I definitely did use the heaviest boxes to barricade the door, and I set up my make-shift bed of a fitted sheet, and pillow (and maybe the flat sheet, but I’m not totally certain I left a flat sheet unpacked). I didn’t get a lot of sleep, but morning came. The police people let me know they were still available and could come at the previously agreed upon time if I wanted. And I did want. And they were true to their word. And they were incredibly patient with the girl who answered the door wearing a mask and gloves and obsessively cleaning the baseboards (because not that they knew it, but I was afraid I couldn’t afford to not get my deposit back and didn’t want to have to fight a management company I knew wasn’t the most up and up). They let me give them a tour of the floor I lived on. They were basically just the soft people in a prickly world that I needed. I felt a little more safe. These kind people left me positive impressions of the police force. In every profession I know there are people who are good at their jobs and people who are not, but these people showed me the positive side, the side that wants to care for their community. I might not remember their names or what they looked like, but I will always remember the way they made me feel, and the way they took the time to go above the call of duty and talk patiently to this terrified girl who wasn’t even going to be a member of their community much longer anyway. They were a brightspot in a time that had a lot of dark. Looking back, I’d really like to be able to be that kind of person to someone else. Healing from trauma is never over, but every positive experience makes a difference. Every bit of kindness helps. I am so thankful for all the people who reached out when I was in that place.

It’s always a surprise, there’s nothing better

(Sadie Hawkins Dance in my Khaki Pants – RelientK)

Lol, so I was reading the reviews on a lunchbox. And it was a good reminder that the average person is an idiot and half of the population is dumber than that. So this lunch box has a removeable plastic bucket liner like my own lunchbox has for easy cleaning. It I advertised as “heat welded to prevent leaks” and multiple people complained that if you dump the lunchbox upside down it will leak…like no kidding, it is a bucket. Ever made a sand castle? Same idea…the sand doesn’t stay in the bucket when the bucket is upside down. The lunchbox liner does not leak, but it is required to comply with the laws of physics. No felon lunch boxes allowed lol. And there was at least one person who gave one star because it gets sticky when you put pb&j sandwiches in there so now she’s gonna have to buy bags for her sandwiches…oh my…and these are the people we share a planet with.

99% unrelated…this might be incredibly controversial…but…I’ve heard for so many years how awful lularoe leggings are. From ugly to poor fit to holey to see through and beyond, everyone seems to hate these leggings. But then someone was like hey, I have these leggings I’m gonna get rid of, would you like them? And I’m not sure I even knew they were lularoe. But I’ve come to love leggings over the past few years, so of course I said yes. And most of them are super cute. There is really only one pair that I saw the design and was like yeah, I don’t love that. But then I put that pair on, and they actually do look really good on me. And even if they didn’t, these are somehow just as warm as any other pair of un-lined leggings, but are a lot thinner than most pairs, so they fit even under skin-tight dress pants to get a little extra warmth on cold mornings. They are softer than any other brand, and despite being used (some very well loved based on the appearance of the tags) when I got them, none of them have any pilling or holes, nor are even the lighter colors see through. Honestly, even the tags do not really bother me which is huge, because I will be the first to admit I can have some sensory sensitivities at times. Basically the only thing I could love more is if they were fleece-lined like my very first ever pair of leggings which I got on sale for like $3 at target like 3 years ago that started my love of leggings. But I might not even want that since that would make them thicker. I do agree that any business strategy that relies on people buying your product then begging their friends and family to buy from them at a markup is kinda sketchy, but the product is good even if the selling plan is less good. (Also will just throw in that I don’t consider myself a very large person, but I was really stretching the limits of one size fits all, so I think it would be a valid complaint that they didn’t fit if you were a bit overweight, but proportionally they were great – it’s not like they were tight some places and too loose others.

I almost posted this like two weeks ago but it was late and so I was gonna do it in the morning. And that night was filled with nightmares of the bad people from my old job finding me and therefore very little sleep and a lot of fear prevented me from hitting publish in the morning. I hate that they still have that power over me…but I’m feeling more ready now…and now I have more thoughts…

Since we’re talking reviews…HelloFresh. I had a coupon code for a box for like $13. I got about twice as many meals out of it as they listed it as by adding a bag of rice, a loaf of bread, a couple tomatoes, and of course lots of desserts because HelloFresh only takes care of main dishes. For $13 it was kinda sorta worth it, but not something I would be likely to do again. The recipes were all pretty basic things that could be made without even using a recipe. The proportions of ingredients are just, well, weird. Like I got <1/4 of a cup of rice to make supposedly two servings of rice bowls (nowhere near enough carbs, especially when it is a primary component of the meal), and for another meal two potatoes that were basically gemstone potato sized…but for chili I got over half a pound of turkey and a can of beans for two servings (WAY more than two servings of protein). I mean, I’m glad I did have that since the meal included zero carbs, but long story short, the meals are definitely intended to have something go with them to balance them out. I think the biggest strike against HelloFresh besides the crazy price point is that until you’ve given your money to HelloFresh, you can’t see their menu to find out if there is even anything you’re going to like available. I found a website claiming to know what the choices were going to be and poured over it to confirm I’d be able to find enough things I’d actually eat (hello, I am a picky eater who absolutely will NOT eat fish for example)…then I gave HelloFresh my money and the choices were completely different and it was a struggle to find things I could at least adapt if necessary to make edible. It feels a bit like bait and switch. Finally, as someone who always feels bad wasting food and also someone who hates taking out the trash, HelloFresh has another massive strike against them. The amount of trash generated from a single serving of HelloFresh is about the same as the amount of trash I generate total in at least a week, or possibly even a month. And now I have a PILE of packets of ketchup, mustard, mayo, and possibly other condiments that are just going to be wasted. It seems so dumb to include those things, because if you are someone who uses ketchup you almost certainly have packets left over from your last McDonalds run or you have a bottle of ketchup in your refrigerator that is more convenient than the packets anyway. If you are not a ketchup-user, you aren’t going to suddenly change your mind about how disgusting ketchup is when the packet comes in your box and the packet is just going to be thrown out once it finally goes bad. But then sugar isn’t included which baffles me. People who don’t bake don’t have any reason to have a container of sugar, and now you want me to use tomato paste and sugar to make my own pasta sauce instead of just opening a container of pre-made sauce and doctoring it to my taste? Like I would think we were just planning on super home-made if it weren’t that my other pasta sauce came out of the box ready to pour onto the pasta without even so much as the addition of oregano…lol…so basically my HelloFresh review is meh. It was more money than I would prefer to spend and generated SO MUCH TRASH, but nothing tasted BAD, so if you have the disposable income and don’t mind the trash and the figuring out only a few days in advance how to round out the meals, it isn’t awful, but for me if I’m gonna spend a little more for a trashier meal, I’d rather get a more complete meal at McDonalds that doesn’t require so much prep time. (Oh, and don’t bother with their instructions…why in the world would I chop everything first when the next step is going to be to wait for something else to cook? I am perfectly capable of chopping and waiting at the same time).

One completely unrelated thought: sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to set a boundary rather than agreeing. Yesterday, I could have said yes, but I instead chose no. No, I will not modify every order with a comment that Wiggle Worm has evaluated this order…Besides how much of my time that would waste an how confusing it would be as a nurse to know what to do if an order didn’t have that comment and how much nursing time it would waste re-acknowledging the orders after I add that comment, it was kinder to say no, because saying yes would have made me feel bitter every time I had to do it into eternity. Like seriously? The order that made this pharmacist request this was, of all things, a vitamin D order (that was still within the realm of normal vitamin D supplementation). And not only that, but the day it was ordered I had decided to do a great job documenting (because anyone who knows me knows that 99% of my interventions most days are a single word) and I’d actually documented the reason the patient was eligible for vitamin D supplementation, the expected dose, and the long-term plan for the patient’s vitamin D supplementation…and if that weren’t enough, I was also the one who verified the order…obvi I’d evaluated the order if I’d verified it…not to mention, this order had been active for at least a week by this point, and I’d been covering the unit most of the days so it was expressly my job to evaluate that particular medication at least like 4 times since it’d been verified. I don’t love change, but I do recognize that every hospital has their own documentation system…but no one else is expected to document anything like that and I’m not about to let someone convince the new girl that she should be doing things that way…

Recently on InstaGram I saw a short paragraph that at first didn’t make sense. It was describing that people who are abused/experience trauma tend to blame themselves and feel shame about the situation and may even be opposed to the idea that someone else may be to blame. Turning the trauma inward feels safer. At first it seemed odd…and then I thought back to my recent abuse experiences. And I definitely blamed myself at first in each situation. When a lawyer used the term “assault” and when a friend used the word “abuse” and when a coworker expressed that I deserved a more safe workplace, each of those things were kinda shocking. Did I know on some level that what I’d gone through wasn’t right? I’m honestly not fully certain, but over time I came to recognize that it was incredibly true that it wasn’t about me. I wasn’t the problem. LOL, like the text one of my bible study friends sent last night: It’s not about the Iranian yogurt!

And I feel like I’ve now said way too much and no one’s gonna wanna read this…A+ for the day if you’ve made it this far. Hashtag distance highfive 🙂 As much as I hate people sometimes, I also love people so many times, and right now as long as you aren’t reading in order to find new ways to hurt me, I love you for making it through the chaos of my thoughts this long 🙂 have a great day