How can you act like you know?

(Flyleaf – Call You Out)

Well…this post is a lot harder to write than it was supposed to be…it was supposed to be a mountaintop share and a little bit of self-promotion…and it became a deep valley.

This was supposed to be a dual review of two things…but y’all sometimes life is just hard.

So yeah…In February I finally got annoyed enough with all of the ads I was being mailed for Hinge Health that I was like maybe if I try to sign up and don’t qualify they’ll finally stop targeting me (because lol, who even knows if it was actually targeted or just sent to like the entire world)…well, as it turns out, I did qualify…and I didn’t think the program would work (it was supposedly an exercise program to eliminate chronic pain) so I figured okay, I guess I give it a week, see it doesn’t work, and then quit. Haha, yeah, I quickly was assigned a coach who wasn’t just a virtual AI generated prompt, but a real person…well bummer, now I can’t just quit because that feels rude. And y’all, that coach was amazing for me. She more than once when I was trying to do an FYI I’m planning on quitting turned it into me continuing on the program. She gave me the autonomy to control my  own information by even if I said I had a question for a PT asking if it was okay for her to share that question with the PT. She advocated for me for what I needed, sometimes even before I knew I needed it. She was able to read my cues to know when I needed help before I was ready to ask for it. She was incredibly patient when I got upset with things within the program that weren’t even her fault and complained/vented to her about it and did what she could to change them…and so in one of my throwaway comments she detected that there was something really becoming a huge barrier I couldn’t see over and felt like it was impossible to get past. She said she thought her manager would have a really good solution for me and asked if it was okay to share my situation with her manager. And I was kinda nervous about that idea, but I trusted my coach and I knew she had my success at heart and I was pretty desperate for some kind of way around this barrier because I knew the most acceptable solutions for everyone were going to involve help from someone within the company…so I said yes.

And then my coach asked me to schedule a call to discuss the ideas she had discussed with her manager. Anyone who knows me knows phone calls are hard for me, but I needed the help and felt like if it was easier for her to discuss verbally than in writing and she’d already gone the extra mile to talk to her manager for me, I ought to let her do that instead of making her type it out in a text or email…and she was kind enough to be okay with calling me knowing there was only a 50% or so chance I would answer and to open up availability in the afternoon when I was more available if that didn’t work, because the next open call time I could be available for was weeks away and too long for me to wait.

But then the call happened. And she started with saying there was something she needed to tell me. It was that it was her last day with Hinge Health. And my world collapsed. It took me 4 months to start to trust her and 9 months before I really felt safe communicating with her, and she was going to leave…and she’d been advocating for me and supporting me and I knew there was no way I’d be where I am without her. Because she pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do I went from almost completely unable to move or straighten my right arm to now having full range of motion and working on gaining strength/endurance. And I didn’t realize it at the time, but to be honest, I don’t have a lot of friends where I currently live, and she’d taken on the role of friend…and now she was completely gone. She left her personal email address with her manager in case I really needed something, except I don’t have any access to her manager, so that wasn’t super helpful. And my original need was left unmet.

And I was devastated…but I also felt like the depth of my pain was an over-reaction which also made it even harder to process the loss. Then a few days later I talked about it at trauma group and oh my, was my pain validated. The other girls in the group felt like I was under-stating how big of a thing this was and how I did have a right to be upset and should really fight a system that allows this to happen…and that was helpful, but also hard to hear because like it kind of vilifies the person who has been so important in my life for 10 months. I don’t know when she realized she was leaving. I don’t know if she was originally intending that to be the conversation, or if between scheduling the call and making the call something happened. I don’t know why she was leaving. I don’t know if it was a choice to do it that way or if she was told it had to be like that. Basically, there is a lot I don’t know. I do know she said as far as she knew I hadn’t yet been re-assigned so she didn’t know anything about my new coach, so clearly even if she had known for a while, there was a definite limit to how much she could ease the transition. I want to believe she either didn’t know a longer transition time would be more beneficial to me, or wasn’t able to provide that rather than intentionally choosing a spring it on me and leave…but in reflection, I realized part of why I took it so hard was the loss itself. I am still in heavy heaving tears at least once a day over this loss. But another part is how it triggered my trauma. Two years ago when I was leaving my job I was called into a meeting that I thought was going to be one thing and became something completely different and then was thrown into  world where I had minimal to no access to the people I’d done life with for the past few months. So am I over-reacting? Am I under-reacting? I have no idea, but what I do know is that it just really hurts.

And on top of that the new coach I was assigned has the name of someone involved in my trauma…specifically the creepy mustache guy I met in court who according to the police report had been hiding in the park near my apartment taking videos of me riding my bike in leggings…which felt incredibly violating, particularly since that was the first time I’d ever even considered wearing leggings as pants and was really only doing it because I expected to be essentially invisible as a random biker minding her own business on a city sidewalk. Yesterday was two years since the police showed up with papers with this name I did not recognize. Two years since I talked on the phone with an investigator who refused to give me any information about WTF was going on while simultaneously working on packing up my U-haul with my friends. Two years since I spent the night with my door barricaded sleeping in a fitted sheet under the kitchen counter with my phone ready to dial 911 in my hand and my glasses in my other hand because I was terrified that if he could do this, what else could he do? But my old coach said to schedule a call with the new coach right away, so I did because the things I didn’t want to do that she encouraged me to do usually led me to where I really needed to be…but, well, this time was different. At first he kinda re-assured me by seeming to have some knowledge of the area I grew up, whereas the creepy mustache guy lived in a different part of the country…but then I realized that all it would have taken to know that stuff was a very basic google search and a look at a map…oops…and the answer to how long he was staying was that he was open to a better offer, so that also made it feel like not worth my effort to connect. Ever since my original coach left I’ve been struggling and now I want to quit, but I can’t because I know how much the program itself is helping me…so I want to go on a communication strike, but that won’t bring my coach back and it’s kinda rude, and it won’t really help me. But I also feel really uncomfortable communicating because as far as I know this is creepy mustache guy and he just shaved off the mustache before getting the profile picture taken.

So yeah, this was supposed to be a post about how amazing the program was…and realistically there is a lot of good, and I recognize I can’t keep people in a job forever just because I want to keep working with them, but now I’m struggling. It’s like death but she’s still alive, just completely unaccessible…but if you have physical pain and/or dysfunction and want to try it out, here is my referral code for Hinge Health to see if you qualify: https://www.hingehealth.com/share/bcbsil/rcode=KzpQ7z

The other thing I’d like to review is The Her Inc…full disclosure, I am a brand ambassador and if enough people purchase through my referral link here https://www.theherinc.com?sca_ref=4813407.QRkUcBjiIS I will get a small payment for my effort. But there is something in it for you, too…coupon code Vic10 will give you 10% off of your order. The Her’s primary item is period underwear. At the moment there is only one style and it runs BIG so definitely size down…but they are pretty comfy minus riding down on me since mine are too big. They are a little thicker than the other brand I’ve tried which makes me feel like my bum is staying toasty when it’s really cold outside. They have some padding which is nice because as I’ve gotten older my bum also doesn’t appreciate bike seats as much, and this solves that problem without looking like I’m wearing a diaper like the bike shorts I tried once did. They are pretty spendy, but I’m hoping that is mostly a “new business trying to recoup start-up costs” issue rather than an issue with their business model which includes sending hygiene kits and education to girls in need. The owner of the company seems sweet and friendly…and they also are now selling sweatshirts, hats, and most recently, pads.

Lol and this  is the completely unedited end…welcome to the chaos train population me…